The State of Things – A Personal Update

a personal update

It’s been awhile since we’ve posted an article of a personal nature.  An article where we more or less step away from the infidelity talk, and simply bring you up to speed about stuff that’s going on in our lives.  So that’s what we’re going to do!

Where the Heck is Linda?

As you make have noticed, Linda isn’t around the blog very much anymore. Unfortunately, that wasn’t entirely her desired decision.  Yes, she decided to step away from the day-to-day stuff, though she still mentors quite frequently.  But really her lack of presence is more due to her job and her parents.

As you may know, Linda teaches first grade.  And for a wonderfully talented teacher of 35 years, the profession has changed dramatically.  And for her, it’s been for the worse.

No longer can she teach “freestyle” like she has been accustomed to for so many years. Now, the curriculum and the methods to teach that curriculum are pretty much dictated by the district board of education.  It’s all about passing tests and getting – and keeping –  as much government funding as possible.  Creativity in the classroom for a teacher (at least for her district) seems out of reach, and has been replaced with endless meetings, paper work and seemingly worthless student testing.

Consequently, she has lost her zeal for the job, yet she works longer and harder than she ever has. 

Luckily, retirement is right around the corner.  But thanks to 5 years spent teaching in a parochial school (which does not count towards state retirement) she probably has 2-3 more years before it becomes a reality.  Until then, the countdown to freedom continues!

The Real Stress Inducer

Now, what is really stressing her out is the state of affairs with her parents.  Her father is 86 and has dementia pretty bad.  Some days he remembers Linda.  Some days he thinks she’s there to steal stuff.  Every day he is confused and has virtually no short-term memory.  You can sit down with him and in the span of 10-minutes, he will ask you the same questions 10 times. 

Linda’s mother is 84 and has become a total narcissistic, semi-hoarder, who seems to delight in making Linda’s life as hellish as possible. (This has tormented Linda as she feels this has really been a life-long situation with her mother.)

Nothing Linda does is enough for her.  She has pretty much stopped cooking and cleaning and she resists any effort on our parts to help – yet complains about it.  Her house is a cluttered mess and she refuses to throw much of anything away.  Linda can clean their kitchen in the morning and it’s completely trashed again by the end of the day. 

She also has the maddening habit of turning the problems that Linda’s dad is having around so that it becomes all about her. 

As an example, the other day Linda’s dad was not feeling well and didn’t want to eat or do much of anything other than sit in his chair.   Linda’s mom calls and rambles on how she thinks he’s slowly dying and could Linda please call the doctor to ask if some new medication might be causing the issue.  Linda said she of course would but then asked why she couldn’t.  Her mother answered that she couldn’t because she was running late for her hair appointment. WTF?!!

Now, if your spouse was sick and supposedly dying, would you not cancel the rest of your life for at least that day – especially a stupid hair appointment?  Of course you would.  Being the narcissist that she is, Linda’s mother doesn’t see things that way.  Eventually, we determined that this little story was just a ploy to get Linda to go over to their house to watch her dad while her mom got her hair done and could go shopping.

This is just a slight example of the sort of shit Linda puts up with on a daily basis.  And it’s wearing on her badly.  Not only from a mental standpoint but physically as well. 

Her parents won’t accept any outside help and her brother isn’t chipping in at all, that’s for sure. In fact, Linda’s mom thinks that it is not his job to help – it should be the daughter’s responsibility for parental caretaking.

Oh, and Linda’s brother feels the solution to the whole problem is to put them in an assisted living facility. 

Alrighty then.  That was easy.  Why didn’t we think of that? 

(I could go on and on about the things that happen and that come out of my MIL’s mouth, but I don’t want to bore you.)

And that leads me to a brief brother-in-law update!

What’s Up with the Golden Child?

(For you newer readers, Linda’s brother had an affair and wound up marrying his affair partner.)

Linda’s brother retired back in January after being a corporate big shot for 3 decades.  During his company retirement party, he spoke about how it was time to slow down and among other things, spend more time with family – especially his aging parents.

Since that speech in January, he’s been down to see his aging parents exactly 3 times.  Easter, Mother’s Day (both being family get togethers held at our house) and one other time when he set up a new bed for them.  That’s it!  To say this rubs Linda the wrong way is the understatement of the year.

Anyways, the last time I addressed my BIL and his wife, I stated that we were starting to see cracks in their marital armor.  Well, a couple of reliable sources who hang out with them (my sister and her husband, believe it or not) have told us that they argue quite frequently.  Usually they are alcohol induced rages about stupid stuff, and often result in the wife leaving in a huff to stay at their lake condo, which is a couple of hours away.  She’ll often stay there for a couple of weeks at a time.  Not exactly the actions of star-struck lovers, is it?

On the few occasions that we have seen them this year, she’ll say something stupid and he’ll make fun of her or contradict her in front of everybody.  Yet they constantly post pictures of themselves on Facebook with wine glass in hand, stating how grand life is and how much in love they are. (Gag!)

A few weekends ago, Linda and I spent the entire weekend in 90-degree heat working on opening her parent’s pool, putting down mulch, trimming their huge bushes, repairing some missing shingles, cutting their grass, etc. Meanwhile, her brother posted on FB that the weekend up at the lake was just “ideal for boating.”  Linda joked that she was going to comment that it was an ideal weekend to perform slave labor at their parent’s house.  ( I sense a twinge of resentment!) 

OK enough about the negative stuff with her parents and brother.

Thankfully, my family hasn’t been a source of stress and strife – yet.

What About Us?

Outside of the stresses of everyday life with her parents and work, Linda and I continue to get along great.  Our marriage is as strong as ever.  We truly are best friends and spend most of our free time together doing stuff we want to do.  Though that time has been squeezed shorter by a considerable amount lately due to the amount of time and effort we spend at her folks.  The long and short of it is that we are great! And I almost forgot…Our 33 year wedding anniversary is this Friday!

We’re heading to Vermont for a little RV vacation in early July and have lots of other trips we want to take when time and circumstances permit.

Some other good stuff on the homefront…

We are pleased to announce that our son is getting married next June to a lovely girl.  They’ve been together for about 4 years now and are made for one another.  He just wrapped up his first year (year one of three) of graduate school to become a school psychologist.   

One of our twin daughters moved to Cleveland for her first job after graduating from college in December.  She’s a chemical engineer and is doing quite well. However, she’s a little obsessed with budgeting and making money and needs to loosen up a bit!

Our other daughter works as a therapist for young children who are not able to function in a regular classroom setting for various reasons.  She’s trying to save some money and works only about 10 minutes from our house – so she’s living with us.  (Goodbye empty nest!)

We suspect that we may have two additional weddings in the near future as both girls have been with their boyfriends for quite some time.  I joke that since they were born at the same time, I hope they get married at the same time so we don’t’ have to pay for 2 weddings!  I’m sure that won’t happen.  I just wish they’d stop watching “Say Yes to the Dress.”  That show scares me!

What About the Blog?

This past December marked the 8-year anniversary of starting this site.  This is post number 1092, and we just recently surpassed the 40,000 comment mark. 

Obviously, we’ve backed off the blogging over the last couple of years but that slack has been picked up with the help of the excellent writing and passion of Sarah P. (Thank you Sarah!)

Most of our time these days is taken up with answering emails and mentoring people from both sides of the affair, and creating content for the Affair Recovery Movement and other resources.  In fact, we’re working on a resource about the female unfaithful spouse/other woman, and another resource on empowerment and self-care.

One of the aspects of affair recovery we want to shift more focus on now is indeed the self-care aspect.  Its importance cannot be overstated.  As I mentioned, Linda, myself and Sarah P. are working on a program that will address this important element of recovery and healing.  We hope to have it out late summer or early fall.  

Additionally, we’ll be changing some things on the blog from a design and layout standpoint.  We want to add a self-help category along with more content on that topic.  And since our blog theme is no longer supported by its creator, we feel that we need to change it so that there are no security issues or other bugs that we won’t be able to fix.  So, the look of the blog portion of the site may change considerably here in the not too distant future.

So, don’t be alarmed if one day the blog looks entirely different one minute and back to it’s old self the next.  That’s me testing things out!

Well, I think I’ve rambled on for long enough.  Please feel free to share anything new that’s going on in your life.  We’d love to hear some success stories and/or anything that is important to you.

Thank you all so much for being part of this community!

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35 Responses to The State of Things – A Personal Update

  1. Hopeful June 12, 2018 at 9:41 am #

    Thank you for your update and all you do for this community. One thing I am thankful for through all of this is that dday came when it did. It was a pivotal time in our lives. After going through this recovery together we are so much better together. I see it how we handle our kids, jobs, parents and life. We still have our kids at home and our parents are still healthy and independent but I am so thankful that we are a team now and will face any challenges together. I cannot imagine we would have lasted if my husband had not disclosed his affairs and bad decisions. And thankful we both chose to dedicate the time to working out ourselves and our marriage.

    Good luck with everything and hopefully you can enjoy your trip and other fun things planned during this summer.

    • Doug June 12, 2018 at 10:14 am #

      Thank you Hopeful. I think it’s great that you and your husband are going through recovery as a team, as it makes all the difference. I talk to so many people where that is obviously not the case.

  2. Patsy50 June 12, 2018 at 9:43 pm #

    Linda and Doug

    Congrats on your son’s up coming wedding and all the updates going on in your life. It’s been seven years now and I still come back every now and then to the blog. I must say, I do miss seeing posts from you and Linda.

    My husband and I are very happy that we made it to the end of our journey with a stronger relationship and marriage then before. We did it together. We learned alot from your blog, so never say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks LOL

    Have a wonderful summer! And enjoy all the wonderful moments yet to come.

    • Doug June 13, 2018 at 8:49 am #

      Thanks Patsy! It’s hard to believe that it’s been 7 years! I’m glad that you and your husband are doing so well. Keep it up!

  3. TheFirstWife June 13, 2018 at 10:47 am #

    Thanks for the update (both good news and not so great news).

    And also the update in the BIL and the Marriage. Not surprised by it. Two selfish people married to each other. SMH

    Thank you for this website. Received some great support and good advice st times when it was needed.

    • Doug June 13, 2018 at 2:46 pm #

      Thanks TFW. Yes, the BIL developments are not surprising one bit. Our niece (his daughter) and her family are coming up here for several days and are staying with us (what does that tell you?), so there might be more tales to tell here in the near future.

  4. Shifting Impressions June 13, 2018 at 1:53 pm #

    Thanks for the update, Doug.
    It sounds like your kids are doing really well….that’s wonderful to hear. There is something so amazing about watching your children flourish!!

    I am so sorry to hear that Linda is under so much pressure with the job and her parents. I hope she can manage to find some time to take care of herself….those upcoming trips should undoubtedly be of some help. I absolutely miss her posts and always found her insight and perspective on things to be extremely helpful. But there are only so many hours in the day and one only has so much they can give….before running on empty.

    The two of you have done a tremendous thing in creating this blog. I believe you have touched more lives than you can possibly realize.

    Thank you to both of you from the bottom of my heart.

    • Doug June 13, 2018 at 2:48 pm #

      Yes SI, we are very proud parents – but them growing up has gone by just so fast! Thanks for your kind words and we really do appreciate all of your contributions as well!

  5. TryingHard June 13, 2018 at 3:46 pm #

    Hi Doug and Linda

    I am so sorry to hear about Linda’s parents. We have a similar situation here with h’s parents HOWEVER they are in a retirement place. And yet LOL the hoarding continues. Oy you should see the clutter. But Not.My.Problem. I do feel for my h though and Linda.

    I have lots of teachers in my family. They were/are all great teachers as most teachers are as far as I’m concerned. I have heard the same thing Linda is talking about from my family members. It makes me sick because it’s the children that are missing out. I hope the next few years pass quickly for retirement for her. From what I can tell my retired teacher family freaking LOVES it and doesn’t miss on second of it.

    Yes not surprised to hear about BIL news. And still I’m happy when you update us on them. Sounds like a match made in hell to me. And congrats on all the impending marriages. It’s all fun and then you get grandchildren and that my friend is the BEST by far.

    And last but not least I am thrilled to hear you and Linda are doing so well but I already guessed it. It’s wonderful to hear complete success stories as it gives hope for so many. It’s also good to know we aren’t the only ones in what can be a very lonely club. You and Linda and Sarah P have been a GOD SEND to me. Thank you so much for all your efforts.

    Much continued love and success. You two deserve it.

    • Doug June 13, 2018 at 4:44 pm #

      Thanks for the kind words TH! Ha! If my MIL and FIL went into a facility it would take Linda and I a year to clean the crap out of their home. I think we’d just hire Got Junk and let them have at it! BIL is coming down late Saturday to stay overnight (at the FIL and MIL’s house) since his daughter and family are in town and Sunday is Father’s Day. His wife?…Well, she’s going to the lake, of course!

  6. Rose June 13, 2018 at 7:36 pm #

    We are in a similar situation but it’s just 89-year-old MIL. She refused to leave her house so H has been taking care of her 4 days a week and we have someone else come in 3 days…BUT, she’s a narcissistic alcoholic and opiate abuser who really needs 24/7 care. She has every inch of her little house covered with a grand piano, oriental rugs, figureheads, all kinds of “collectibles” which I’ve told H we need to get rid of NOW. He’s got a codependent situation with her on top of that too, though, which makes it worse. He’s had EAs because he was the white knight who was “needed.” Well, the EAs were over when his mother started “needing” him, and now he’s at her beck and call. I can’t stand her, and she’s always been evil and nasty to me, and to H as well, but he thinks it is his duty to take care of her. To that end…he has neglected me and our needs even more. I guess that’s normally the case in our “sandwich” generation where we have to take care of the old folks as well as maintain our own families and jobs and lives, but in my case it just gets me angrier. She has pretty much neglected H his entire life. I believe we end up the way we have treated others in our lives, and I am angry and bitter that he has neglected me (again) to take care of this woman. Seems like it is ALWAYS someone else. Last week he lost his wedding ring after 34 years and “forgot” the anniversary of our first date 35 years ago, because he’s so involved in paying his mother’s bills, arranging her medical care, and washing her clothes. Some would look at him like a saint, but he is far from that. It’s always been some other woman who has needed help, never me!

    • Doug June 14, 2018 at 10:51 am #

      Sounds like your MIL is even worse than mine! What bugs me the most is that to everyone else she is the sweetest old lady who will do anything for you. But she’s really a controlling, manipulative, mean person who only cares about herself.

  7. Rose June 13, 2018 at 7:43 pm #

    Oh and the hair appointment reminded me. MIL has one every single week that H takes her to. One week, there was a crisis with our son who needed help that same day. H said that she couldn’t possibly miss her appointment. I was so incredibly angry with him—and she neither cares nor gives a crap about me or her grandchildren—that I drove an hour to take her to her stupid appointment and an hour back (that’s how far away she lives) so H could help our son move. When FIL was alive (with Alzheimers), he fell down the stairs twice. We had to go over and help him because she wouldn’t call 911. We are pretty sure he was pushed down the stairs by her both times because each time she said to us, “He can get up if he wants to.” Yeah. This is the woman my H helps 4 days a week.

  8. Rose June 14, 2018 at 12:00 pm #

    Same here Doug. When she is in the hospital or nursing home from her frequent drunk falls, the nurses fawn all over her. She has always been a compulsive liar and the nurses not only get to hear about she bakes cookies weekly for her grandchildren but that she was a famous lawyer who traveled the world…both blatant lies!

  9. TheFirstWife June 14, 2018 at 5:40 pm #

    I am so glad my MIL despised me so much she never spoke to me.

    I think of all the years I didn’t have to live in Crazytown.

    And those that had to endure her nastiness suffered verbal abuse for decades.

    My H cut her off the day we told her she was a grandmother (her first and only grandchild) and she said something nasty.

  10. Carol June 15, 2018 at 3:03 pm #

    Congratulations on your complete recovery! I am 8 years out and still on a rollercoaster! Doug, your list of 24 things is perfect but my H has not been consistent with them – and I have had to deal with not only learning about a 10 year sexual and emotional affair, but 2 previous sexual/emotional affairs, plus many one night sexual affairs, porn use, and lap dances, etc. I think having to try to get over “them” instead of “it” has just been too much and I still trigger and he still gets angry with me that I can’t move on completely. He’s been faithful for 8 years other than a lap dance and porn use (which stopped completely 4 years ago) so it’s not worth divorcing over, it’s just that I don’t ever think I’ll have the same warm, loving feelings for him, even though we both try. Any advice? He says he’s done with counseling.

    • Doug June 18, 2018 at 10:39 am #

      Thanks Carol! I’m sorry that things between you and your husband seem to have hit a wall. Many CS don’t seem to understand that healing comes at the pace of the BS – not when they think it should. Frustration can naturally occur, but patience is mandatory. If it’s been 4 years since his last indiscretion and you are still having problems, then I can only assume that perhaps there are still unresolved issues and that perhaps much of the affair(s) has been swept under the rug and/or minimized. You’ve been deeply betrayed and traumatized and I think you need to address these unresolved/never addressed issues with him. Additionally, perhaps he is done with counseling, but I feel that you need to find a good therapist for yourself to help with your trauma and its fallout.

  11. Lynsey June 16, 2018 at 5:51 am #

    Your website is what got me through the aftermath of my husband’s affair. When in the depths of despair, and I had no one I felt I could turn to, you were there by responding to my questions. Thank you, thank you, thank you! My H & I are in a better place now, but the memory of those dark days still lingers. I enjoyed reading this post and the updates on you, Linda & your family. Have a great vacation in Vermont. I’m a life long Vermonter so if you have any questions, please ask. I know many great hiking spots, great craft breweries, restaurants, etc that probably aren’t in the tourist info books.

    • Doug June 16, 2018 at 10:02 am #

      Hey Lynsey, thanks for the kind words and I’m glad that we were able to be of some help when you needed it. I’m glad things are better now for you and your husband. As for Vermont…We are setting up our ‘base camp’ in the Little River State Park and plan on hitting as many places in the area as possible. So if you have any recommendations in that general area for hikes, breweries, etc. that would be wonderful. Linda has a partially torn meniscus so I’m not sure of the degree of difficulty she will be able to stand from a hiking standpoint, but otherwise, we’re pretty much up for anything. Thanks! If you’d rather email me with the info, that’s cool. It’s up to you. http://www.emotionalaffair.org/contact-us/

  12. Tired June 17, 2018 at 11:52 am #

    It is really great to hear from a couple who have gone through this and have gotten over it. Doug, I feel for Linda. Grrrr. But you are making a lot of effort. I hope you both have a lovely time away. It is good you are a team. A person I spoke to the other day told me he and his wife were ‘a team.’ She had dementia and was unwell and the way he spoke to her, and about her to me, just blew me away. He was the perfect example of what a husband should be.

    • Doug June 18, 2018 at 10:25 am #

      Thanks Tired! And I appreciate all your supportive contributions to the community as well.

  13. TryingHard June 18, 2018 at 10:44 am #

    Hi Doug

    FYI with Linda’s torn miniscus. I tore mine as well and I love saying that I tore my miniscus because it sounds like I’m an athlete 🙂 Bwahaha, I’m so NOT an athlete. Regardless, I got mine “fixed” and I could hike after that although going downhill was much more difficult than going up. Prior to getting it fixed I could barely walk on flat surface and as a matter of fact that is how I tore it further. I’d hate to hear Linda got stuck on a trail as she had further torn her already damaged miniscus.

    I know everyone’s experience is different with these things but I’m telling you once I really tore mine I could not walk.

    Now would you like to hear about my damaged shoulder and how I asked Dr. Cutie Pie Orthopedic Surgeon if I could have Tommy John’s surgery? 🙂

    • Doug June 18, 2018 at 1:05 pm #

      Hey TH, thanks for that info! The Dr. shot her knee up with Cortisone or something similar and that has helped her a lot. The hope is that will help her knee to heal since it’s not completely torn. So far so good. Ha! I hope that you didn’t ask Dr. Cutie Pie for Tommy John surgery for your shoulder – since TJ surgery is for elbows! 😉

  14. TryinHard June 18, 2018 at 2:10 pm #

    LOLOL no wonder he said NO and laughed at me! I was blinded by his good looks and was talking stupid 🙂 He gave me a cortisone shot in my should and that fixed it. I hope it fixes Linda’s knee too. I got what is called a bucket tear and the torn part would get caught under my knee cap making my knee buckle and YEOW the pain!! Impossible to walk the pain was so bad. I am super careful and no fast stops or turns.

  15. Carol June 18, 2018 at 8:12 pm #

    Thanks so much for your reply, Doug. I have scheduled an appointment with a new therapist who does EMDR. Looking forward to getting stuff up and out! At this point, it’s not so much the affairs, but the type of person he used to be while engaged in all that secret stuff- and which still flares up on occasion – e.g. unwarranted anger, road rage, minimizing, discounting- the subtle verbal abuse stuff. My amygdala now has a catastrophic response when he reverts to his “Mr. Hyde” personality and I go into fight/flight/freeze for days. It’s diminished, but has been going on for 8 years, and off and on for our entire marriage. Just a warning- if you find yourself in my situation, take care of yourself! I just went thru open heart surgery to fix a bad valve and get a bypass. Was it caused by all the stress? One has to wonder…but words to the wise- frequent cortisol flooding is not good for you! Do whatever it takes to feel calm and decrease stress! Like camping under the stars!! Enjoy, Doug and Linda! You deserve it!:-)

  16. TryingHard June 19, 2018 at 8:06 am #

    Carol
    I am so sorry this has affected your health. Yes the constant stream of cortisol takes ticks out of your heart. I had anxiety for years. It’s better now but still flares up once in a while. I worry too that my heart can’t take it even though i get physicals and checks yearly. Yes get the support you need to handle things. I hope you are doing better

    • Rose June 19, 2018 at 10:36 am #

      Carol, I have the same issue. After the last year, my blood pressure is up (and that’s on a blood pressure pill), I’ve gained weight, and my blood sugars are up too…all due to stress. I’ve started on an exercise program in hopes that will help, but I can be going along fine, and then a trigger occurs, which flares up my anger, and the flare can last for weeks.

  17. Dana June 23, 2018 at 12:41 am #

    Doug,

    When you add the self-care section, consider looking into the writings of Tara Brach on healing from trauma. It’s a really phenomenal method.

    • Doug June 23, 2018 at 8:41 am #

      Thanks for the recommendation, Dana. I have heard of her and will certainly be sure to check her stuff out.

  18. Doug June 25, 2018 at 1:25 pm #

    Linda and I went to her parents house Saturday to work on their pool. Her father did not know who we were. He became abusive and was cussing at me and throwing stuff at me and demanding that we both leave – and never come back – because he thought we were there to rob him. We did not argue or try to reason with him. We honored his request and left immediately so that we wouldn’t agitate him any further. Very sad situation.

    This has happened to Linda a few times but was the first time for me. Usually Linda summons me over there when it happens because he’s always known who I was and it sort of snaps him out of it. Not this time.

    If anyone has any website and/or books suggestions pertaining to dealing with dementia/Alzheimer – or wants to share their advice/experiences – please pass them along!

    • Shifting Impressions June 25, 2018 at 4:14 pm #

      Doug
      This must be devastating for both of you. I agree with Trying Hard ….it no longer sounds safe to have him home.

      It’s extremely difficult when adult children have to step in and take charge when their parents are no longer capable of making sound decisions. But when their safety is at risk, we really have no choice. There is always the possibility that he become violent with Linda’s mother.

      I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Is your family doctor able to give you some support and direction?

  19. TryingHard June 25, 2018 at 3:11 pm #

    Doug & Linda
    I am so so sorry. It’s awful to see your parents become ill. My father at the end was having strokes and would go in and out of lucidity. He was in the hospital though when all this was happening. The nurses all told me do not argue with him about anything and to simply agree and go along with everything. She said this is what they do with Alzheimer’s patients too. You cannot try to “wake them up” but you have to do all you can to calm them down.

    But honestly it sounds like he shouldn’t be left alone any longer. Are you certain he isn’t having strokes as well as the dementia? I know Linda wants to do all she can and helping out where you guys can, but honestly it’s sounding like it’s almost impossible to do alone.

    You guys hang in there.

    • Doug June 25, 2018 at 5:50 pm #

      TH and SI, thanks for your concern. Linda was over there again today and he was sweet as a peach and of course doesn’t remember anything from Saturday. Though he and Linda’s mother have always argued quite a bit, he seems to want to defend and protect her now, though at times he tells her to pack her bags and leave. It’s really a day to day thing. Regardless, I think it’s time to hide the sharp knives and other objects!

      We suspect somewhat that this whole dementia thing may have been brought on by mini-strokes a few years ago. But not sure. We know enough to not argue with him, though the MIL is a different story and actually gets mad at him even though he cannot control anything. But she’s a whole other can of worms! Linda’s brother wants to put them both in a facility and his daughter told us that he will never contribute his time or effort, but he will contribute his money (which he has a lot of). So, we may be heading down that route here sometime in the near future. Thanks again!

      • Rose June 27, 2018 at 1:47 am #

        Hi Doug, my FIL had the Alz. It took many years before he died…but MIL was the problem. He actually got sweeter as he got sicker. He couldn’t remember H’s name anymore but he always remembered mine. Isn’t that funny? But MIL refused to believe he was sick. She would go out to get her hair done or go shopping and leave him for hours by himself. Once we found that out, we made her tell us about all her activities so we could be with him. We’d ask him if he ate—he’d say oh yes, but there were no dishes or anything in the garbage. He didn’t know how to operate the microwave. Once when she left him alone, a neighbor called us (we were an hour away) because he was out front in the rose garden, in his skivvies, stuck amidst the bushes and trying to get out! MIL refused to let him use a walker or hearing aids when they were out, because it made him “look old” and she didn’t want to be with an old man. In the house, she had Oriental rugs all over the house, which he would trip and fall on. She refused to pick them up and get rid of them, saying it was his fault for being clumsy. We still think she pushed him down the stairs—twice—and maybe hit him as well because we’d always see new bruises. Anyway, H took care of him for months before he died because she refused to hire anyone to do so. And now…she is old and sick and expects H to do everything for her, which he is happy to do DESPITE not giving a s**t about what I want or need. He’s at her beck and call now. I say “She ignored you as a child, abused your father, hasn’t spoken to you for years and all of a sudden she needs you?” He doesn’t care and won’t listen to me, so I’ve stopped talking about it.

        But for FIL…we’d just go along with his stories. It was better not to argue with him so we would just play along. There’s not a lot you can do besides making sure he’s safe.

        • Doug June 27, 2018 at 8:33 am #

          Yes, for the most part my FIL is a nicer more funny guy than what he ever was. When he was younger and working, he didn’t talk much and quite frankly didn’t seem to like people very much. For the last several years since he’s retired that has all changed. Linda thinks that her crazy mother drove him nuts and he was always pissed at her for never getting anything accomplished around the house while he worked 7 days a week. Anyways, we think these episodes are triggered by news events, phone calls, and other things that cause him to panic. It doesn’t help that he gets up at 7AM while MIL sleeps until 11AM, so he’s left for 4 hours to fend for himself – which is not a good thing. Your MIL sounds like a nut case as well! It’s all too crazy of a situation I’m sure.

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