Snooping after an affair is quite common and the desire to snoop is amplified since the cheater is less likely to divulge the affair details.
By Linda & Doug
The other day a young woman, who just discovered her husband’s affair a couple of months ago, shared some of her story with us. One thing she mentioned is that she is having this incredible urge to snoop on her husband. Primarily by checking out his phone and computer every chance she gets.
Snooping after an affair is quite common and the desire to snoop is amplified since in most cases, the CS is less than forthcoming about divulging any of the affair details. There is also the element of not being “fooled” or hurt again that creates the urge to snoop.
There are a myriad of reasons for the need to snoop, so whatever the reason, this post contains some past reader comments on this issue that may provide some helpful perspectives.
Please feel free to add your own snooping related comments in the section below the post.
Here we go…
If there were real evidence (which there hasn’t been for a few months now) I would have to find out for certain for my own sanity. Sometimes the paranoia is overwhelming to me. I sometimes think that I look so hard for hints that I find them in the smallest of things.
My paranoia for a while also overwhelmed me. I probably also looked so hard for hints given that I had been duped for so long and felt foolish. I also not only did not want my wife inappropriately contacting her EA, but also did not want her developing an EA with another man. Strange as it may sound, I did just “make up my mind” to stop snooping and to just trust my wife to not make the same mistakes she previously made which allowed her EA to develop and then be deceptively maintained. I just couldn’t be happy not trusting my wife, and “transparency” was not allowing my wife to feel that she had been genuinely forgiven by me. To her, and I agreed, if I genuinely forgave her and our relationship was back to a more “normal” state, she would still be open and honest with me as she was before the EA, but I would also have to go back to the way I was which was no snooping.
One thing that I can say is this. I’m more alert to, and in tune with, things my wife might be doing or not doing if she was, in fact, beginning to establish an inappropriate relationship with someone else. As things appear normal and we are interacting in positive and healthy way, I tell myself that, notwithstanding her prior mistake, I have no reason to be suspicious and no reason to snoop to confirm non-existent suspicions. I suppose that it’s getting to a point where you stop being suspicious of things that you really shouldn’t be suspicious of, because after being stung by an affair, you don’t want to not act on legitimate suspicions.
Snooping is a complex issue. On one hand, it shows the CS, that their BS isn’t really moving forward, just hiding their true feelings of hurt and looking for reassurance that nothing is happening. It also shows that the BS really doesn’t have any faith in the CS, so the CS figures “well, I am being honest, but it doesn’t matter”. It is bad, bad, bad for everyone.
One thing that I have definitely learned in all of this, is that the urge to snoop is created through the pain of missing what now look like obvious signals. We BS’s snoop because we want to be sure that it isn’t happening. The problem though, is that we should already know that if the affair is to continue, the CS has to take it underground and hide it better, so there won’t be too much evidence to find anyway.
I was consumed with snooping and playing detective. It was overwhelming, I’d see a phone number, assume the worst, only to realize later that it was our pediatric doctor’s office or a pizza delivery place. I got to a point where I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t play the game. My wife dropped her company cell phone and added one to our plan, giving me full access to phone records (which was a big step) but the sad part was, I immediately assumed they would communicate via email only now. I HAD TO STOP, I WAS LOSING MY MIND.
I finally made the decision that even though I knew there would be setbacks and bad feelings (like we had a few weeks ago), I was no longer going to act controlling or investigate her activity. I was going to show her that I believed her words and would allow her to hang herself if she chose to. I also noticed a change in her behavior as I started doing this. She began being more open about her day, didn’t seem afraid to tell me things about male coworkers, and seemed genuinely interested in our relationship. A betrayed spouse can’t move forward without taking a leap of faith, and a cheating spouse can’t feel forgiven and happy if they are under 24 hour surveillance. It truly is a process you have to go through together.
Just understand that as a BS, you find your strength in knowing your own self-worth and making a true effort to forgive and love your spouse. If you do this and they play you or continue to cheat, you will be okay with saying goodbye because in your heart you will know you did everything you could. Over the last few months my gut has been feeling better and better, telling me that she seems to really be trying. Again, if I’ve learned anything, I’ve learned to listen to my gut.
Snooping is a process I think all of the BS here will have some experience with. Depending on the type of affair, most CS have phone and/or email contact. I believe the checking up happens for two main reasons. For those who are determined and sure that they definitely want to stay in the relationship, they do this to ensure the contact is over, for those who are teetering, or unsure of whether they should stay, obviously, they feel the same, but there is also the, “if s/he is still contacting him/her, I’ll be completely justified in leaving.”
Rest assured that the checking up on your partner is normal, and it will fade. Some people make the concerted effort to stop, others just find that with time, it justs ends of it’s own accord.
I’ve decided to give up snooping on her b/c it’s been terrible for my health. Well, okay … at least not snooping as much. But my last snoop was interesting. No calls; no texts on her cellphone. I asked her why, and she said she had turned it off. And you know what, I think I believe her, though not one-hundred percent, b/c that’ll take a while.
I didn’t suspect a thing for 18 months so I never spied. Afterward though I went through emails, phone bills, phone messages, everything trying to piece together where I was during that time. I also needed to check her journal and emails for any sign of where her head was at. I felt it was awful to do that, and yet, she wanted to be in the marriage, but wasn’t. If she wasn’t talking I had to find out what she was thinking somehow. Overcoming our greatest stumbling blocks came about because of my snooping.
I also couldn’t resist visiting their favorite haunts. I wanted so desperately to catch them so I could at least know where I was. It didn’t occur to me that by not catching them I also could know where I was.
At first, everyone wants to regain their control of the situation. That first out-of-control feeling is the worst.
Some will do it by cutting ties. If there is little to tie you together this may work.
Some will search and discover because they’re scared of losing all the things that hold them together. But ultimately they want some sort of control back. They want to know if there is anything that may keep them together.
Some will search and search because they want a reason to cut their ties. Search for a way to say “see this is why we shouldn’t be together.” And it will help them move on to what will make them happy. Because they too have been unhappy.
Ultimately it’s to regain control.
I hate the fact that I question my husband’s whereabouts and phone records after 18 years of marriage. Makes me feel disgusting and ultimately more angry about the EA that occurred 5 mo ago. It’s like I’m waiting for him to goof up so I have a reason to divorce…
If I hadn’t looked at my husband’s cell phone from time to time, I would have had to keep ignoring my gut and trusting his look-me-in-the eyes straight flat-out lies when I asked him was anything going on.
I agree with trust but verify. It is not spying. It is verification. In our whole marriage I never had to verify. It is not my fault I do now. He must accept my conditions or leave. That is his choice. I GPS my husband’s phone sometimes 2-3 times a day. If I had done it 3 years ago and kept tabs on cell records this never would have gone on for a year. My current PTSD keeps me on edge and hyper- vigilant. I consider it rational to protect myself to the best of my ability from further harm. Is it pathetic? Yes. Pathetic is better in the short run than a divorce is. If this marriage can truly be saved, trust will come when I am ready.
I did finally stop the snooping. I got the point where I would spend an hour tracking down a cell number on our bill only to eventually find out it was my H’s best friend from elementary school who had changed his cell number. I was driving myself crazy. I eventually decided that I had to trust my instincts. My instincts were what led me to find out about my H’s EA in the first place. The changes in his behavior, his nit-picking of everything I did, his schedule and appearance changes, etc…..I knew something was going on. But I see now that he is not acting suspiciously, he’s not doing things to undermine my trust – he really is trying to rebuild it. Yet every single time I snoop, I get anxious about what I might find and when I find nothing, I feel badly about myself for having snooped. I guess it’s both an attempt to trust my H again, as well as affirmation that if he is doing something wrong, it’s going to come out and he’ll suffer the consequences then. Me obsessing about it was make me feel worse and taking up too much of my free time when I could have been doing something for myself. And me obsessing about it isn’t going to keep him from doing it anyway.
Again, if snooping is an issue for you (or has been) please add your perspective below in the comment section.
63 replies to "Some Reader Perspectives on Snooping after an Affair"
I really dislike the term snooping. I would have always had it as a matter of principle that you don’t read other people’s mail or diaries or phone or anything like that. Like so many of the BS here I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA that my husband was exchanging many many texts with the OW as well as heart to heart phone calls. While my husband told me he had feelings for another person I consider D-Day the day completely inadvertently discovered the inappropriate and obviously long term texting that was going on as a WhatsApp message popped up on my husband’s phone when I was standing beside it. The lies began there and, even though we were supposed to be discussing our marriage (things had become very strained due to family pressures but also (behind the scenes, my husband’s affair) he continued to inappropriately text while lying to my face that it was not happening. He deleted the texts when the truth hit him but retrieved them on my request and I was able to read them. He gave me passwords etc but it was not in my nature to check up on him. It would not have made any difference anyway as when the OW contacted him (after 9 months) of no contact they conversed over Desktop Viber and my conflicted husband deleted the conversation streams as they went. The contact was revealed ultimately by the OW in a bid to destroy our marriage. After this recontact I did look at his phone and computer from time to time but it made me feel bad and not a person I wanted to be. Since my husband is an IT expert I thought ‘what’s the point’. If he wanted to hide something he could. I said at the beginning that I hated the term snooping. Snooping to me is dishonestly going behind someone’s back and violating their privacy. This is different to the trust but verify version given by the commentators. When our worldview is destroyed, when the ground is taken from under our feet, when the walls (as Shirley Glass) puts it are taken down we need to rebuild them, we need to find somewhere solid to stand, we need to doublecheck reality. When we ‘snoop’ that is what we are doing. Better we wouldn’t have to do that but when the CS has become an habitual liar or covers up, we sadly have no other choice but to be vigilant. Ideally this phase will not last for too long and spot checks can be spaced out. We are patrolling the perimeter walls of our marriage and we are doing this for both ourselves and our remorseful spouse (if he/she is remorseful). It’s like checking the locks after a burglary.
I’m not a fan of the term either. It implies the betrayed spouse is crossing some boundary that they shouldn’t or doing something sneaky.
I looked in the drawer of the end table in my bedroom and found a list of all the things she loved about her AP, while I was home alone, and knew she was with her AP. I have as much right as her to that drawer. What she put in that drawer is not “hers” it’s “ours”. Just like what I put in my drawers.
I looked on the computer she left open to her FB account on the computer I paid for (which is considered a marital asset).
I gathered evidence for my divorce, in my home, while she was off sleeping with someone else. That’s not snooping. I wasn’t peering into windows. Even if a BS uses a GPS app, or circumvents a password screen, so what? Try being married for 10 or 15 or 20 years and watching your world crumble. The garbage the cheaters always whimper about is the by product of their behavior. Don’t want your husband or wife looking for evidence of an affair, don’t cheat!!!! Don’t want to be blamed, have the finger pointed, have lawyers drop evidence on the judges desk showing what a cheating slob you are? Don’t cheat!
I’m of the opinion that any property (cell phones, computers, iPads, etc) purchased during the marriage is joint ownership. I have as much right to that cell phone and that iPad as she does. Marriage is about trust and growth. If you’re twisted enough to cheat, then you’re sick enough to make the argument that trust is predicated on your level of comfort alone, not what you might jointly agree to, or what the court dictates is or is not acceptable. I printed off things from my exes FB. My lawyer built the file using that information, and her text messages. This was passed to her lawyer. He didn’t say, “gosh they violated a boundary”, no he looked at it from the legal perspective. It’s admissible and he told her to broker a deal or get demolished in court.
If you’re trying to repair your marriage, then you may take a different strategy, but you validate the information your cheater is telling you to maintain your own sanity and rebuild trust. Cheaters ASK for this treatment by their actions. They have no room to whine, they created the problem. If you don’t want your spouse snooping, honor your commitments. If it bothers you that you are innocent and your spouse just suspects an issue, then be open, confront, find out why there’s a lack of trust. It’s not right to point to the betrayed spouse and hold this behavior against them, when you’ve actually changed the physical, mental makeup of the faithful spouse. You own that, and you own the paranoia you’ve created.
Remember we aren’t talking about saints here. These people p*ssed away years of faith and trust. Do they really expect to be treated like wonderful humans when their actions prove they suck as people? You have to own your rebuilding process 100% as a cheater, otherwise you might as well pack it in, move out and move on, and accept your stupidity ruined your family.
Amen! If a spouse won’t be honest with you and your only way to get some truth is to look at their communications with others, then all is fair game. My wife and I talked about the AP over and over and she looked in my eyes and swore they’d broken off contact.
Then I found them having dinner together in a restaurant a few days later. How do you deal with that level of deceit and dishonesty? Without a conduit to the actual truth, how do we preserve our sanity. And in my case walking away isn’t an easy option – 25 years and 2 kids.
Scott,
Are you divorced?
Did the evidence hold up in court?
Yes I am. I gave her many opportunities, clearly communicated what my expectations were, and she continued to violate that trust and squander the opportunities. Finally I had to honor my own sanity, my own ethics, and move forward without her.
The evidence was presented to both lawyers, mine and hers, and her lawyer urged her to broker a deal. The information I presented was proof of the affair, and her words and actions enough for me to press for a conclusion I believed was as beneficial as I was going to get. State law required spousal support due to income disparity, but it’s limited to 1/3 the total term of the marriage (in my case 16 years equals 5 years and 4 months of support). So I was going to pay that no matter what. I pay no child support for my 16 year old son in part because he spends half his time with me, and because I wanted at LEAST shared custody, again, her lawyer saw the information and believed she would not get child support and spousal support both, so urged a settlement. Also got sole possession of the marital home. (I don’t begrudge my son anything, and believe me, I pay financially, but the money I do willingly give goes straight into his pocket).
I put her on the ropes many times legally, and she folded, ultimately because she couldn’t run from the overwhelming evidence. I also decided my emotional well-being and the investment of money in the divorce was not worth going through a protracted process. In the end I will pay less to her in spousal support than I would a divorce attorney. However, I also believe cheating spouses should forfeit their right to marital assets and compensation, and I would support any lawmaker who makes the same argument. I think the no fault divorce laws have gone too far, and are easily exploited by abusers, cheaters, and absentee parents.
My d-day was a Thursday. The following Monday I was in a lawyers office. The next day I was in a therapists office. Both were great decisions. Even if you want to stay with your spouse, both are necessities. Protect yourself legally and heal emotionally.
Scott, where is your ex now?
Do you speak to her? See her at family events?
Reason I ask is my ex wanted to stay “friends”.??
He wanted a “family” picture taken last year at my youngest sons high school graduation.
Of course that didn’t happen. My boys even said no.
No offense Rachel but your ex is an idiot! I have been following your story for ome time. Good for your sons too.
CBd
No offense taken, yes he is an idiot.
So many people have told me what an ass he is.
From doctors to attorneys to his mothers neighbors (where he lives) even his cousins. Makes me laugh but I do pity him .
I agree with Scott completely, as I usually do, about “snooping,” and would add that there is no such thing as a right to privacy when you’re married. If you have nothing to hide, your spouse should be able to see it. I trusted blindly and never checked my husband’s phone. I found out by accident about one inappropriate relationship, and then by “snooping” about a bunch of others while he continued to lie. And I required transparency and caught my husband trying to hide something from me since then. I am less likely to be as hyper-vigilant about it now, as I see nothing that raises a red flag, and because he’s currently no longer on social media sites. But I no longer trust him to be on any, or I would have to go back to checking them every day and night, and I don’t want to obsess anymore.
Rachel, forget about being “friends” with your ex. He wants you to be that way so that he feels less guilty, so that it will look like your relationship just didn’t work out, and that there are no hard feelings. He was a jerk who destroyed your family. He’s even trying to control your feelings and behavior with that kind of request, or maybe misses what he lost. Let him miss it and let him realize that he deserves nothing from you. If you refrain from treating him with contempt that is enough. Anyone who says you should be friends for your kids’ sake doesn’t realize that it will probably only confuse them about why you’re not together or the possibility of getting back together.
I second what TrustingGod says. The only reason cheaters want to stay friends after divorce is to control their internal narrative. “I’m not such a bad guy, she even wants to stay friends with me.”
To directly answer your question, I rarely speak to her at all, and my only contact is concerning my son. Once in a great while she starts talking about things other than my son or the divorce (still taking care of retirement funds) so I usually cut the conversation very very short.
I will have several events in the next few years (daughter’s college graduation, son’s high school graduation), where I’m sure I will be forced to see her, but I will keep my distance. You do those things for your kids, but it doesn’t mean you have to be buddies. I have nothing I wish to discuss with her, or engage her about.
Now, that said, I do coordinate vacation time with her for my son, I do discuss schedules for his time with me, her time with him, I do take him to her house when he needs to go, those type of things. Those are things for the kids, not for the ex. My kids shouldn’t pay any price because of her actions, even though they’ve lost their family unit. So I do keep my disdain toward her at a minimum (mostly non-existent) when the kids are around. I’d rather walk away stone faced than be polite. My kids know I do not care to be in her presence. I have a life to live, I do not wish to rehash or live her drama.
Scott- I wish I had your strength. Do you think you have left if it was strictly an emotional affair? I am torn if I should stay or go. It’s been seven months since D-Day still wondering what to do. Sometimes when I ask about the affair he becomes angered and states I “don;t like his answers” when he said he never had any feelings for her. I find this hard to believe and feel as though he is either in denial or still not owning it.
I still feel like an emotional train wreck and believe the only way I’ll get m salty back is if I leave. He won’t show me any of the email or texts- he closed his email account, closed his Facebook, and his texts were all iMessage which he states are not retrievable.
I’m not sure why I’m longing to see the context of their relationship? Maybe there’s a part of me that wants to believe him still? His lies?
I once read an article that stated if you would not say or do or act that way in front of your spouse, then it is wrong.
Yes! My wife and came to that exact agreement/understanding in marriage counseling…and then she continued to sext with another man.
I’ve come to learn that the serial cheater will rationalize their behavior so that they are always right. As far as I know she hasn’t slept with the other guy, but they talk about meeting – she just hasn’t gone through with it yet.
25 years with someone and this is who they turn out to be. I’ve been open and honest with her – tell me what you want and need, tell me if you need our marriage to end, tell me if you no longer love me, etc. Denies everything, but continues to be sneaky and deceitful. So disillusioning.
Here is my dilemma. If the BS did not snoop (in most cases) we would not know what the heck was going on.
If I did not come across an email with a birthday card for the OW, I would have not really known the extent of their relationship.
When my CH told me he wanted a divorce, we were almost 12 months into the affair (but I did not have any idea of how long it had been going on). I asked him if he was going to contact the OW and said maybe one day, but not now. I said OK and thanked him for being honest. This was at 7 am and I had to get my kids ready for school.
Now hang on to your hats here. BEFORE I even left the bedroom he emailed her and told her to hang on b/c things were changing. This was done using his secret email account. The OW (in her revenge mode) sent me most of their emails (of course nothing was sent that showed her role or part that made her look bad).
So, the ? Is how do you let that go? I still think he could have secret email accounts or skype accounts or even a separate hidden cell phone. Burn me once shame on you but burn me twice and shame on me.
I am having a hard time getting past the lying. But I do not snoop as much as it was making me crazy and not the kind of wife I want to be. And I think I am just waiting for the next slip up so I have a reason to divorce. I love my H – I really do. But I just hate living with this.
Is.
“If the BS did not snoop (in most cases) we would not know what the heck was going on.”
100% agree. That’s why I hate the term snooping. Don’t cheat and don’t worry. If you don’t want the problem, don’t create the problem. Cheaters create the problem then whine about ‘snooping’ and a lack of trust. Give me a break. Talk about the pot and the kettle.
“I think I am just waiting for the next slip up so I have a reason to divorce.”
No offense here, but cheating isn’t a slip up. A 1 year affair isn’t a slip up. A protracted set of actions that require conscious choice is not a slip up. It’s an intentional act of selfishness at the very least. You could divorce today and no one would think a negative thing about you. He put you in this spot, not the other way around. You should feel the same guilt about divorcing him that he felt cheating on you. Zero. Notta.
Now, choose to reconcile, that’s a different story. Then you have to heal from the affair and figure out how to live with this person, who you have just found out, really isn’t the person you thought he was…that’s a tall order.
But I wouldn’t stop snooping until I was satisfied his activities had stopped…but most likely, you’ll just get sick of chasing him around like a toddler and decide to live your life with or without him. That’s when you’ll feel empowered to make whatever decision works for you…and take him out of the equation in that decision.
Hi CBb, I’m seeing that this is from a couple years ago. Wondering if you’re willing to talk about your situation or would rather not bring things back up.
What I’ve found is that I usually have a sense when something isn’t right. And I agree, “snooping” is the wrong term. I’ve read things where people equate “snooping” with the cheating – sorry, but that’s BS. Seeking verification of suspicions is not the same as cheating, especially if your suspicions are validated.
My wife actually yelled “why won’t you trust me?” when talking about her being caught having dinner with her affair partner. It has nothing to do with “trust”. My trust is irrelevant to her choice to cheat. It’s like a fantasy land where nonsense replaces logic and reason.
If one confronts their spouse and gets back only lies and deception, then there is no “snooping”. You are seeking truth and facts and a glimpse at reality. Secrets and deception aren’t necessary if there’s nothing to hide.
If you are going to distinguish between snooping and verifying, then maybe you should be open to the idea that your souse didn’t cheat at all. They were just verifying whether or not their emotional and physical needs could be met by another human. Cheaters may pull the rug out from under their spouses, but they often have watched as the rug slowly deteriorates from under them.
The difference between the snooping comments and the comments on the snooping comments is most of the snoopers took some ownership and acknowledged affairs don’t happen in a vacuum. The commentators on the comments seem to embrace the shroud of pure victimhood, making their righteous indignation more revealing than their words as to the truth.
In the trying to stay friends vein. My CH told me two days before he said he wanted a divorce that I shouldn’t worry b/c plenty of guys would want to date me. I look good, trim, athletic, great personality and tons of guys would want to date me.
I just looked at him as if “where is this coming from?”. I don’t want another guy, I want you. And I told him that straight up.
I should have known something was up then. Two days later he tells me he wants a divorce and it has nothing to do with the OW. Yeah right it had everything to do with her.
Then two weeks later when he decides he is done with the OW and wants to stay together I was then expected to just say Sure! And when I didn’t the you know what hit the fan. He was shocked I wanted an end to the year long roller coaster ride.
I think he was trying to pave the way for us to be “friends” in the aftermath. I would have been his friend for the sake of the kids only. Not to ease his guilty conscience that’s for sure.
We are still together but I take it day to day. Best I can do. I do see changes that are good but not sure I can with this. It hurts every day. Some more than others.
“I would have been his friend for the sake of the kids only.” Distance goes a long way. Being away from a cheater/abuser often puts you in a state of mind that what they want, what they require, is not only invalid, but harmful to yourself. My ex is not a safe person. Being friendly would inflict harm on me. She will use anything to hurt people close to her, so friendship is not an option. Even if she wasn’t a constant threat, I would still not be her friend, even for the sake of the kids. You can be emotionally distant without harming your children.
The emotional turmoil these cheaters create puts you through the ringer. My ex actually told me once that her and her AP had “decided” together that she should go back to me. Right. Sure. I thanked her and told her that I was so glad her and her 20 year old boyfriend were making decisions for me. 2 days later she got served her divorce papers.
You do have to do what’s right for you. He can’t unscrew his OW. He made a choice, and didn’t consider your perspective. That can’t be undone. So the only question you really need to answer is “what’s right for me”.
If it’s staying, fine, but you know there will be sacrifice. If you leave, fine, but you know there will be sacrifice. And it sucks because you didn’t choose or ask to have to make the decision, but now you do. Whatever you do, heal, and take your own life back, for good.
Scott,
Are you a therapist? Marriage counselor? You seem to have very powerful words. Good words. Did you see a counselor during this difficult time? Or read books?
I had the best therapist in the world. She was freakin great. Talked about everything I could, worked on things, gave me great advice, tips, tools. Couldn’t have asked for anyone better. Almost 3 years of therapy. She was amazing.
I think the reason why I have this kind of confidence and strength is in large part to her relentless reasoning. If my emotions went too high, she backed me off, if I went too low, she pushed me to get in the game.
Amazing what a really good therapist can do.
The other thing I did was I was not afraid to talk to friends and relatives. I didn’t back down when they were mealy mouthed and tried to brush it off. I didn’t attack, I just wouldn’t accept any ownership or any excuse for cheating. Almost to a person though, they were supportive and gave me huge help.
And the other thing is attitude. I refused to let her stupidity and bad decisions define my life or my future. I decided I wasn’t a victim, and I wouldn’t just survive, but I would thrive without her in my life. That was my choice, and I’ve pushed myself toward that.
Scott years later I’m reading this, and your confidence and motivation is inspiring.
Just reading how you coped, already gives me a little more strength, a little more confidence.
I may start seeing a therapist. Thanks again.
“If it’s staying, fine, but you know there will be sacrifice. If you leave, fine, but you know there will be sacrifice. And it sucks because you didn’t choose or ask to have to make the decision, but now you do. Whatever you do, heal, and take your own life back, for good”
Thank you Scott……. I need to read this & re-read this again & again until I decide what’s best for me. 😉
So true, Fragments of Hope. The term “snooping” is insulting. If your spouse feels like they need to hide their words or actions they are up to no good.
The word “snooping” would imply that I am looking at something I have no business looking at. I have been married for 28 years, and happily gave up a lucrative career 21 years ago to be a wife and stay at home mother. My financial well-being is tied up in my marriage, as my degree is now a bit out of date. I could not easily return to the work world at this point. Of course, this is not to mention the emotional investment in the marriage. I don’t know about you guys, but I protect my investments. If my stockbroker began acting like a meth addict, I would investigate and look closely at the books. Perhaps this sounds a little cold, but there it is. If my husband’s behavior leads me to believe he is lying to me, it is withing my rights to check out my suspicions. I would have ZERO problem with him looking at my email, phone, social media accounts, etc. I have NOTHING to hide.
After d-day, I only had a few requirements for staying and trying to work it out. One of these was complete transparency. I asked for and received, passwords to all of his accounts. He has given me permission to look at his phone, email or his computer at any time that I wish. He canceled his facebook account of his own accord. With the exception of the email I use for online affair recovery support (and he knows this) I have given him the SAME transparency and permission to review what he wishes. I don’t consider it snooping, I consider it to be transparent and protective of what we have built.
Lastly, I will say that if you feel the need to check up on things frequently, it’s a good idea to ask yourself what is triggering that need. I rarely check anymore and when I do, it is usually something going on in my own head, not something my husband has done to provoke it. Of course we ALL know that if our spouses decide to cheat again, they would be smart enough to have dummy phones or make new email accounts. The ONLY thing I AM certain of? Is that IF he ever cheats again, the truth WILL come out one way or another.
Well said, exercisegrace, and, frankly, I’ve heard it would be very prudent for some people, especially stay-at-home moms, to be checking on actual investments and accounts regularly, since apparently some men who plan to leave do all kinds of shenanigans to protect “their” financial assets and hide them so as to be better off in the case of a divorce. As if statistics hadn’t already shown that divorced women are nearly always much worse off financially than divorced men after the first few years. More than a few trusting women have been shocked to find out that their husband betrays them in this manner also. I’m not saying that this is your situation and I pray it never will be, I just thought it was information for those whose spouse is “undecided” about whether to stay married or not.
The more I find out about how most women fare after divorce, the less I want to experience it (again–first time was twenty years ago). But if any of us, male or female, are married to unrepentant or serial cheaters, I don’t see what choice we really have. I am looking into separation in order to motivate my husband to do the work necessary to restore our marriage, but if that doesn’t work I’ll have to go for the divorce. I don’t want to have to separate, but I don’t see myself putting up with his behavior for much longer. I just don’t know who he really is now, besides a dishonest, cheating, ungrateful man. I almost wish I could find more proof of his continued lying or proof of past lies so that this constant feeling of mistrust would be validated instead of just making me feel like a nutcase.
Why do you need more proof. There’s no minimum threshold of cheating that must be met before you can divorce. If “almost wish” you find more proof, there is nothing your spouse can do to rebuild your relationship; it will operate at a net deficit because your mindset is punitive. Why would anyone be satisfied with less than what they had before when that wasn’t even enough to begin with?
Agree, I’m on the bungee with my relationship. I keep thinking & asking, if you weren’t happy b4 your affair what makes you so adamant you can be happy in the future with us ? His reply is, I was wrong about so many things, the way I thought about things, the way I dealt with things. He says since dday he can clearly see for the 1st time how happy we could be. He has a purpose for the 1st time. His family is his purpose. He’s opened up & seems to be experiencing true reality, true emotions, I know he’s always had a protective fence around him. He can switch off easily. 10yrs I’ve witnessed it. So it’s true.
But I still can’t believe he has changed or “seen the light” so to speak.
Is that my fence protecting me ?
The “snooping ” I absolutely detest I resent the fact I’m torn into looking or ignoring.
My guard is up tenfold. He did some truly nasty things during his affair, I knew something was wrong I just couldn’t figure it out.
Then there’s the lying, wtf, how can someone lie to your face for 8 months. How is that even possible. Is he a compulsive liar ? Has he always been, will he always be ?
Everyone is capable of being dishonest at some point but this is something I will never truly understand, mayb because I don’t want to ? I know too much, I’ve seen too much, the images & intrusive thoughts are there 24/7, sometimes I can manage them other days I can’t. I’m loyal, trustworthy, moral & respectful. The opposite of him.
For me it’s walk away, as I refuse to change who I am, as that’s what’s needed to make this work, it will never be authentic it will never be what it was. Not that, that was great either. But at least I had the trust. I feel it will never come back, how can you be truly happy with someone who hurt you so badly. I don’t believe you can.
How can you move on & potentially stay with the person who caused you the most harm. Our protector, exposed us to danger. Our son needs a better father. I feel its my responsibility to try to help him see the errors of his ways & to be a better father.
If it doesn’t work out for us, I can say I tried my best, there was nothing more I could do.
9 months since dday, I’ve not changed my mind. I’ve always been stubborn or is it high values & morals portrayed as stubbornness to others ?
Think it comes down to loving yourself more, I do, I’m worth more than he can give. I deserve to be treated with respect & dignity.
I deserve loyalty & honesty.
It’s a two way street, you need to want to keep eachother happy. He stopped trying, I told him I was unhappy, he had a choice , work with me, care enough about us, make us happy. But no, he chose a different path. He had the best life, he had everything, his friends, work colleagues were/are envious of him. They know me & respect me as a really good person, I get alot of attention for my looks (I’m not vain, I don’t like attention, never have)
His AP is ugly inside and out, honestly, she’s a lunatic & continues to harass me & my family. She contacted me & sent me images, videos, letters, stalked my home, threatened my kids, police just warned her. She deposits money into his account with messages every month, sometimes more. He’s had zero contact either her. He’s changed phones & come off social media.
She was providing him with cocaine, he became an addict.
He’s 46 ffs. I just can’t look at him the same way, I resent him, he exposed my kids to danger.
I’m working on fixing myself from the ptsd & trauma, I’m trying to heal myself. I resent the fact this trauma has taken so much from my family. I’m angry. How long will I be angry.
Am I angry at myself, yes but more so him.
Is he manipulating me, gaslighting me ?
Has he seen the light, he’s lied for so long I really don’t know what to believe. Does he deserve a chance, yes, do I deserve better, yes.
Time will give me strength to leave, I know myself I’ll never be happy. I know myself enough to know the future is full of opportunities. If he changes I’ll be happy for him, but that doesn’t mean hes right for me & I want to be with him.
Suppose some can make their relationships stronger, others decide its not worth the sacrifice.
Trusting God, I think sometimes the CS does not want to do anything to help heal the BS. Many reasons come to mind but lazy & uncaring & selfish come to mind.
Also they don’t know what to do so they do nothing.
Third, they want the BS to be the one to end the marriage so they can ease their guilty conscience.
Either way, it all stinks.
TheFirstWife,
I agree that lazy and selfish and uncaring are all plausible reasons, as well as not wanting to dwell on what kind of person he is. He can’t plead the “I don’t know what to do” defense, though, because I had a pretty good idea of what I needed to recover and establish trust. He just doesn’t want to do those things. I asked for specific things, some of which he did half heartedly until he came up with reasons why he couldn’t do those things, and some things he asked for time to do, other things he had such a bad attitude about that he made me feel more rejected than if he had done nothing.
I think one of the biggest problems, though, is that he is lying to himself. He tries to make what he did out to be less than it was, and magnifies in his mind how he feels I have mistreated him and allows himself to feel victimized by me. I saw that he had recently downloaded a song in Spanish that actually made me cry when I heard it, because I didn’t know how I was supposed to get someone who listens to songs like that to take responsibility for why he’s actually in the situation he’s in. The song basically has a guy crying about how nothing he did was ever good enough, that none of the nice things he did for his girlfriend were ever appreciated, and that now that they’re not together anymore he realizes that she was actually something he never needed in his life. This hurt me so much because I have felt for almost our entire marriage that he feels that way about me, that I’m like some terrible person that he doesn’t need in his life at all but has to put up with. With everything I’ve had to put up with and forgive, it made me want to scream and rage at him about what exactly all those nice things were that he did for me that I never appreciated, and to get it in his head that the reason we don’t have a loving marriage is because of giving all his time and attention to other people and lying to and cheating on me, followed by behavior that only showed me he didn’t want to stay married to me at all.
Now, don’t get me wrong, something I’ve learned because of all of this is how much men need to feel like their efforts are appreciated. And I realized that he could never really love or appreciate me because I did almost all the work in the relationship, spent tons of time chasing after him trying to make him devote time to me and our family, which just made me look pathetically insecure and smothering. I made it easy to be lazy and I didn’t set strong enough boundaries and I nagged and shouted and disrespected him when he did things that made me feel like our sons and I weren’t good enough for him, and when I felt like his ideas and decisions put our family in danger. I am willing to own the mistakes I made and make whatever changes I need to so we could have a great marriage. But he is being a coward, hiding from his sins because he doesn’t want to face them, thinking that it’ll all go away if we never mention it again. And if he does the things that I ask he will have to admit to himself that he is not the great guy he likes to pretend he is. He will have to admit that he failed as a husband. And I am the one who shows him this by putting demands on him to change, to tell the whole truth, to apologize in a deep and sincere way.
But he’ll just have to man up and face it. I don’t have a reason to live with a coward and a liar who tries to make everything my fault. He can own his actions and get full forgiveness and we can work on making our marriage the best it can be, or he can get out. I pray he makes the right choice.
Trusting God,
It seems like you have your eyes open and see the reality of your situation. It seems like you are down to the “am I better off with him or without him” question. I know it is hard to answer for so many reasons.
I feel for you to be stuck in such an unhappy place.
Maybe adopt an I don’t give a damn attitude with him. It may help you to heal yourself. If he is not going to do anything to help, my therapist told me it then becomes your job to heal yourself.
Denial is a beautiful thing and helps all the prisoners in jail justify and rationalize their crimes. Same for your CH. He is justifying his bad choices and behavior by blaming you. Typical three year old behavior if you ask me.
Denial is the medication of choice. He’s using it to build himself up and blame everyone else. He should just man up already.
Most men will not go to therapy. Too painful. Too much work. Too hard. Don’t believe in it. Whatever. He probably would not go b/c the therapist will see thru his crap and call him on it and he can’t face it. Too bad b/c it could actually help.
I pray you can end this nightmare soon, no matter what the outcome is.
Scott. Your wife had a 20 year old boyfriend? As Dr. Phil would say “how’s tjat working for Her?”
Only reason I ask is b/c my CH’s OW was 29 and he is 50. Her midife crisis sound familiar?
Last post should “does mid life crisis sound familiar ?”
Didn’t go well. He’s moved on to destroy another life, and she’s working swing shifts at her job and rarely gets to go out and party.
Reality sucks big time for her. But that’s not my concern or issue.
She brought it all on herself Scott.
Well, I guess I won’t need to do too much “snooping” anymore. There won’t be opportunity or all that much reason to once my husband and I separate. He flatly refused to do something I feel necessary for my recovery and our relationship, which I gave him eleven days to do. So now I have to put my money where my mouth is and separate. Hmm, kinda wish I had some money and a decent job and childcare. I just have a mouth, I guess, and no idea how to support myself and my children. Sheesh. Stupid unrepentant cheaters, throwing their families away because they think they’ll be better off. Well, my husband probably will be. Everyone loves him and does favors for him all the time. I’m the one who’s looking at the price of apartments in the worst part of town, without a single friend to help me. That’s what I get for being a shy person and leaving my job to take care of my baby. I don’t know why women are such trusting fools.
Trusting God,
You are a stay at home mom, your husband will need to support you and the children.
Do you have any family?
CBb is right, get a good attorney.
I am in a no fault state. I still made out well with child support and alimony, because my attorney made sure the pre trial judge knew my ex cheated.
Keep your head high. You will be amazed of the strength that you have.
If you have any cash, hide it so your ex can’t take it since all is split 50/50.
Best of luck and please keep us posted.
Trusting God, I feel for you. I hope you know in the end things will work out for you. Get a good lawyer for yourself.
Once the drama is over you will heal and emerge a better stronger person. No sense wasting your life on someone who does not appreciate it. Do not beat yourself up because you are shy or quiet. Unfortunately you ended up with a dope who did not appreciate you. His loss, not yours.
Emerge from this knowing someone else will appreciate you for exactly who you are and not take advantage of your kind heart.
I will say a prayer for you and your family that God will smile down on you soon.
And remember, karma.
Chinese proverb says If you do not want the world to know you choose to do wrong the only thing you can do is not do wrong the world sees what you choose to do so choose wisely
I am afraid getting a lawyer would be pointless. My husband has been trying to figure out who could lend him the money so that we could declare bankruptcy. There are almost no assets at all. I’m in a no-fault state. I just spoke briefly with a counselor at my church today, who advised me to not do anything until he gets back to me. I hope he has some good ideas and insight, because I don’t have any family in town. They are all my husband’s relatives, and none of them would ever help me. I’m really not sure where I could even move, since my credit is so bad now. Getting the rent and deposit seems very difficult. I really wish I’d gotten hired for the teaching job that I interviewed for, so that I would know how long my life would be absolute crap, but I wasn’t.
One of my wise counselors told me once: “When you tell your husband you need total transparency, his only correct response should be ‘I welcome the opportunity to increase your trust in me. Do whatever you need to do.'” When I told him what she said, this pretty much stopped the complaining, as he realized it was the only reasonable response. As someone mentioned, though, if your spouse wants to continue cheating, they will find a way, but eventually you will find out, even if you don’t “snoop”. The hard part about it is that we BS’s typically have PTSD, and the first treatment for symptoms is to do whatever it takes to feel “safe” again. If we decide to stay with our spouses, we can’t put double locks on the doors or move away. It’s a catch 22 that what (who) caused the trauma also has to be the one to make it “safe” for you if you stay married. Very tricky. We are still together, through years of therapy know how to communicate better, and are open and honest, but some days it’s still hard. I just want to reach out to everyone in this situation and say I’m rooting for you, and I wish you the best.
Carol-
What you shared makes perfect sense as far as we all really can suffer from PTSD and as a result will struggle in attempts to stay “safe” (or our perception). I know that I have done this to great lengths and it has caused such friction n my family to the point where relationships in my immediate family have been dismantled.
I also agree that if a man (or woman) truly wishes to cheat again they will….without our “snooping per se. They can get free “secret text apps, pay as you go phones, secret emails, etc….. My counselor stated to me- that I will feel it in my gut as I did before- I may not know immediately, he may not admit it (since he denied it for months), but I will know instinctually though his behavioral changes and my gut. I trust her and I did know. He gaslighted me and kept stating there was no other woman where I began to think I was crazy. If it were to happen again I will just leave- regardless of his admittance.
Lastly- I agree with your counselor- if we ask for transparency there should be no defensiveness- this should be a given if he/she authentically wishes to regain our trust back. My husband had his cell phone account locked for months and tonight I am drawing a line in the sand- I told him that the only way we move forward from this point all accounts open- not just your cell unlocked. We will see… I know that I am strong enough to move out if he is unwilling to share this account. I am forty and I need to move on or rebuild- this is my crossroad. Thank you Carol.
Thanks Carol. As the BS of a wonderful husband (minus the last 2 yrs) I share the feeling of what you said. I am hopeful one day and ready to throw in the towel the next, telling him I will stay his friend. Oh My….that sounds so ludicrous as I write it, but I did not put us in this situation and as I told him since D-day…. ‘I have **Shown Up** for my marriage every day”, to help to heal, but the problem is we are “trying to Repair the marriage, before he has Recognized the problem” (the EA).
Everyone has the right to privacy. I strongly believe in this. I don’t open other people’s mail, this includes my children. Unless I get conformation from then to do so.
I do believe in snooping. And here’s that “dirty” word JUSTIFY,.
There are circumstances that allow me to give myself permission to do it. When my children were in grade school the school brought in an expert on children’s safety, behavior…..
Three topics I took to heart were my child’s right to privacy, breaking the rules and reckless behavior.. The emphasis was on just before and during puberty (now that’s a dirty word for you).
Why do our children take dangerous, thoughtless, insensitive, ridiculous, impulsive chances?
The first reason was easy, they never thought they’d get caught. How many times have you heard the words “that will never happen”. (I cringe when I hear this)
The second was that they only see the rules applied to other people. They give themselves permission because this rule does not apply to me. They believe in self gratification, Now. They don’t see outside their bubble, sphere, world. “That will never happen” applies here also.
The third Is that they don’t think they will die. At this age they see themselves as immortal. They never look down the road. A bad outcome will never happen to me.
One of my kids kept a journal. He’s and exuberant person. But he CHANGED. Lost some of his spark. Talking revealed nothing. I was scared, he was not in a safe place. So I snooped. Here I read how he had been questioning himself, loss of self confidence. He was unable to see a true picture of himself. His reasoning was flawed. My heart broke. I subtly tried to rebuild his confidence, not be so critical of himself.But we got through it and he returned to the person so many loved.
And he never knew I snooped.
So does any of this sound familiar?
Do you know anyone with similar issues.?
Could you change the name and the age and be reminded of someone?
Do you need to be reasurred about your safety, or felt you need to protect yourself?
And you are not sure why?
Do you feel your marriage is in trouble and you are not sure why?
Have you had proof or a strong suspicions in the past?
Has he lied about something, in the past or present, that you are uneasy about today?
Has he given your gut to go on alert?
Is it ok to snoop now?
Theresa-
I believe you are not only comparing apples to oranges by comparing children to a spouse but looking at it from an individualistic lens.
Comparing one who broke trust, affecting psychological, emotional harm to self and others? If I suspected danger with my children, e.g.. use of drugs, bullying…. I would look in their rooms, take further action… conversely, if there was no concern I wouldn’t. Same can be said for an emotional affair- psychical and emotional harm! It isn’t different- PTSD, harm to families and children…
There is research showing that psychological and emotional abuse is more damaging than physical abuse. If one is in this type of danger (or at risk) why shouldn’t they be able to have healthy skills to protect themselves – I would want this for my three children!!!
Look up “Seeking Safety” – it’s a counseling modality of treatment based on NOT using “rigorous honesty,” how it’s “justified” to keep one emotionally safe! Sometimes we need to put our emotional and physical safety first – before our high horse mentaility that helps with an ego boost- same as the cheater.
I couldn’t disagree with you more…. At school a teacher told my 6th grade daughter that she was “tattle-telling” when she disclosed that another child bullying a disabled child. When emotional and psychological safety is involved- as a culture we seem to disregard it and only look at physical safety. I explained my daughter she did the right thing in advocating for this child- and went to the school to support her and this child.
We tend to be a culture of “individual rights’ as opposed to a more humanistic perspective, where feelings and mental health matter!!!! I’m sorry, but I couldn’t disagree more!
TTR
When faced with the gut feeling I had about my child, I struggled with snooping on him. I had no clues that there was a problem other than noticing subtle changes that were not observed by anyone else. My concern for his safety overruled my views on privacy.
The suspicions I had regarding my husband behavior took a lot more self talk. There was never any question of physical issues. His behavior changes could have been due to other
circumstances. I knew he was unhappy at work. It could have been due to a midlife crisis, losing his hair, increasing waist line, kids growing up and leaving. Was my struggle to snoop really just denial on my part? Maybe.
The comparison was my (possibly poorly) explanation or justification of doing something I felt was questionable behavior on my part. My ego had nothing to do with this. Safety (emotional and psychological) in both circumstances was paramount.
Another possibly poorly stated comparison was to wonder (facetiously) if CH had reverted to childhood behavior in justifying his bad decisions. I see some parallels.
(We also had a similar incident in school which was racially motivated. My son intervened. I was notified by the principal. She told me about the incident, and not only was he not chastised, he was thanked for his actions).
Bottom line, I was trying to show that I struggled with the decision to snoop, in the beginning.
I kept trying to convince myself, and wondered whether my questions were based on reasonable expectations.
I don’t struggle with this anymore, they were.
My partner of 14 years cheated on me. This was hard to take… what was harder was the lies that he kept throwing at me to minimise his affairs.
It began with a text sent accidentally to me which started the avalanche. It was clearly meant for an escort agency. But he managed to talk this down into a misdemeanour. Then months later I found out about another affair. He said it was only twice and he didn’t even know her name.
He was genuinely remorseful and wanted to go to therapy etc etc.
It was only through snooping on his iPad that I managed to find out so much more. Trips to countries I was unaware of, joining a dating agency, the 2 nights were two years, he paid her money, he had hidden assets and companies. I was advised against snooping… but if I hadn’t I would not have seen him for what he was. i am glad I snooped.
But now months later we are still together. I have been to hell and back. To be fair so has he.
I still want to snoop…. ALL. THE. TIME. But I stopped.
I stopped not because I trust him now. I stopped because I have more important things to do with my time. I have to focus on my mental, physical and emotional health. I don’t have a free hour or more to go through a USB to find whats on it.
I’d rather go for a walk, cook a meal, go to get my hair done, see a movie.
If he is hiding more shit. So be it. It will come out and he will lose the best woman a man could have. I will have lost nothing because I spent all that snooping time building myself to stand alone.
The urges still come but I’m fighting for myself now. i am no longer fighting to expose a cheat.
Mary, I’d love to chat with you if you’re still around and willing to talk about your prior situation. Ler me know if you see this.
My spouse swore he had no contact with his affair partner and begged me to go to couples therapy to save our marriage. I snooped and found out he was still visiting his affair partner after I left for work. He was using Facebook messenger to contact her and never changed his password. Now I have the added trauma of reading these messages and feeling betrayed all over again. I hate that his lying has made me paranoid but I need to protect myself. How are we suppose to blindly trust after being so devastated by the lies?
I snooped through my partners phone because I noticed a change in his behavior – he was being sneaky, looked like he was trying to hide conversations and text messages, and only message when I wasn’t around, pretending to do something else when I was there – when I confronted him about it, he would always say he was doing something innocent like “checking FB” or something – whatever the thing he was pretending to do at the time….
We had an extended period apart (8 weeks) – we were moving states. It was during the 3rd week apart that he cheated on me, and I found out by snooping in his phone.
I found messages like “One taste of your dick was not enough” and so on and so forth.
Again I confronted him about it…. he didn’t lie, he told me the truth. Said he was lonely and upset as he was apart from me etc. It’s no excuse but I can understand why he did it.
I’ve chosen to forgive him, but I’m having trouble moving forward. I can’t stop the urge to snoop, and he’s upped the security on his phone so I can’t go through it anymore – this just makes me feel worse, not better.
Like he’s got more he wants to hide but now he just doesn’t let me see it.
I go through so many mixed feelings – like self doubt, insecurity, the desire for revenge, the desire to continuously bring this up and drag him through it all again emotionally. I worry about getting my period because I think it means he will cheat on me since he can’t be with me.
I know he regrets what he did, he was crying when he told me about it but none of that changes how I feel about it nor does it excuse the behavior.
Hopefully time will heal the wound, I think right now it’s the only thing that will help me to get over it.
Nicole
Just wondering how you are doing.
You said you understand why your husband did it….after only three weeks apart from you. Also you worry about during your period that he will cheat. I hate to say this but you need to up your standard. Surely you husaband can go a few days a month without sex??? And a when you are apart for a few months.
You also said you chose to forgive….perhaps you did that to soon. Forgiveness is a process. Just Sayin’
Twelve months ago I sat in my husbands chair at our dinner table. His laptop was open and his work email up. I noticed an email from a woman whose name I did not recognize and it contained the word “bikini” in the subject line. I read the emails while he stood there paralyzed watching me. He tried to shrug the whole relationship off stating that he “coached” her in her “long distance running”. He promised me that their entire relationship was via work email and meeting for coffee occasionally. I made him promise to break it off, and he agreed he would. He deactivated his FB account and agreed to block her numbers. He also promised to show me any emails he received from her and I had access to his computer. I was devastated the entire weekend. It was not until Tuesday that I thought to check out his cell phone records. Unfortunately, he had just been added to our plan three weeks prior, so I a limited time frame to work with. My husband is not much of a talker, yet there were many phone calls and texts from two numbers – both ended up being hers. Judging by the frequency of each, they were in contact throughout the days and nights, even when I sat right next to him on the couch. Apparently the woman expected him to let her know when he arrived safely home when we were coming home from trips, etc. and he was too eager to comply. He did break it off with her completely yet it took an entire weekend to do so. He admitted to me that he enjoyed the flattery and ego boosting that she provided. Her position was much higher than his and he couldn’t believe she would be interested in him. She is 15 years younger and had known him 20 years but their contact had been professional up until the EA began, and that was due to more contact during a case they were both working on. So one year later, as part as our compromise, I am getting ready to leave town for a girl’s weekend when I decide to check out his emails to see if he has received any from her or sent any to her. Lo and behold there is an email that he sent three months prior to another woman in reply to her email, which asked some personal questions. I read the email, confused because I couldn’t tell whether it was an ex-coworker or someone from high school, etc. He lied, telling me that it was a woman from high school that he had been in touch with. I looked the woman up that night on FB and realized that she never lived in our state. Turns out he had an EA + PA almost 10 years ago that lasted two years. He says she was going through a divorce or getting ready to go through one and needed a guy. We were one week away from our 27th wedding anniversary when he met her. He broke it off with her after two years, telling her that he loved his wife and wanted to work on our marriage. Funny, I remember wondering why at that time he wanted to go to counseling because I didn’t see a problem in our marriage. I do believe him that they met four times total and once being the first time for lunch. Seems the distance and schedules not to mention family responsibilities left little time for either to meet. After he broke it off with her, she continued to email him and I believe also called once or twice. It took me one year to start to feel safe after learning of the first EA, and I am scared as to whether I will ever get over this one. At this point we have been married over 36 years, have grown children and grandchildren, and I can’t make it through one day without thinking of the harm he has caused. I hope I can trust him again someday, but at the moment, I do not. I am glad that I snooped and found out about the first EA which I put a stop to immediately. I wish I had snooped 10 years ago and had been able to stop that EA/PA too.
Olivia
I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand where you are coming from. I was two weeks away from our fortieth wedding anniversary when I discovered the EA. And yes a year later I discovered there had been another one about fifteen years prior.
It has been four years since that first d-day and trust is slowly starting to return. I probably cried everyday for three years.
I urge you to get some help for yourself in dealing with this. IF not marriage counseling than individual counseling. Educate yourself regarding affairs. Take care of you and if your husband is willing talk about what has happened. He needs to know how he has devastated you.
Olivia R , I am a young women who has been with my partner for almost 6 years now, and recently I got a call at 4am by my boyfriend to come pick up the car because the officer wouldn’t let him drive off because he was drunk. That night he was with his cousin to have a boys night. That said, when I showed up to get him and the car , the officer had told me that a girl(his sisters ex friend) was on top of him. My heart immediately dropped and so many things were going through my head. I started talking to him on the way home but he was way drunk to even have a conversation with. While we got home , I had the biggest urge to go through his phone to see what he was hiding. I ended up finding out that he was talking to her for about a month. Before this happened, I did see a small difference with him being on his phone more often and smiling at a convo but he would say it was someone else like his cousin or something. But any who, he ended up telling me the truth the next day and said he hung out with her 3 times total and he talked to her because he was feeling distant with me since are relationship was a little rocky at the moment. But long story short , since I found out so much more from looking through his phone . I am so tempted to look through his phone again , even though he blocked her number in front of me and apologized many times and said he would never do it again. Is it bad to go through his phone again? I get the feeling to go through it since I haven’t seen it since I checked and I want to make sure he’s continuing it. But at the same time , I feel like I need to begin gaining his trust again. Please help
I have been married for 10 years now and found out my husband has not been being faithful for the past two years. I found out cause I felt it in my gut for 6 months then got on his social media and seen a live conversation he was having with someone else while he was at work. That was just the beginning. I asked him to tell me everything and he only told me pieces. I found out the rest through his google activity. When i seen something i had to ask questions. I expected answers!! I deserved answers since he was desperately trying to get back with me. We have three kids and i made the choice to take him back after he was out of the house for a month.At first i was obsessed with searching for past things i missed. I came to the realizations that it wasnt healthy for me or our relationship for me to keep looking back. It has been about 7 months since and i still find myself checking up on him to make sure he is being honest. I think it has helped me GAIN trust not finding anything. If there are things that i feel are off, i ask. He is at a point where he has been getting mad about me not trusting him. I get how it can be frustrating, but i also feel i have the right to ask. Just because you still have doubt in your trust for someone doesnt mean you cant forgive them. Forgiving someone is something you have to do for yourself. Let it go and not let it eat you up but that doesnt mean forget. We still have some things to work out but i do know that communication is key and if someone feels something isnt right it should be talked about in a conversation. So bottom line…. i dont think me checking up on things is wrong. It is something i need to do in order to trust the one i gave all my trust to that lost it all.
Most people who cheat more than once have a an issue with being faithful, therefore you must ALWAYS investigate if you stay with them. I know it is not healthy, but you must do it til you feel trust again. On the other hand, if you are young and have no kids, please leave them!
Nearly 2 years ago I discovered my husband lied to me about a day trip he took to Atlantic City while I was out of town for work. That betrayal alone was devastating. How my husband of just over 1 month found it to be okay to lie to his wife…over something seemingly harmless. We were newlyweds! I found out about his lying when upon my return from work trip when I decided to book a little get away for the weekend to AC and discovered he was just there.
He confessed a week later about AC and I asked him if he was cheating on me…since I could not wrap my head around why he had to lie about a day trip. He emphatically said no. Fast forward 1 month later, he confessed to cheating on me with a hooker, 2 years prior. He claims to have not been able to keep in inside as a secret seeing how devastated I was about the lie about AC. He knew I was “snooping” and asking for phone records to show some level of transparency, which he cooperated with fully. He was afraid I would find out anyway so he decided to come clean and tell me about the 1 time he cheated. So the issue for me was trickle truth and not getting the whole truth at once. Had I known he cheated on me prior to marrying him, I would not have married him. I married someone (who I knew only 3 years) but didn’t really know at all.
The trickling of truth leads me to “snoop” because I would rather know than be caught off guard. Turns out he had a history of paid sex with his first wife (she does/did not know). My snooping lead me to find out he was “looking” at hooker web sites, but according to him he never acted on it. He has also said the cheating happened one time.
He has showed remorse, appears to be truly trying to help me trust him…but I just don’t. I may never trust him again. The snooping keeps things in perspective for me – to not forget what he is capable of and to not be made a fool of again.
Now 2 years after DD, I still check phone records, knowing full well that a cheater will cheat and can be an expert at hiding, sneaking, and lying. I am torn between allowing myself to trust…blindly…and see if we can build something meaningful and trusting…
I seem to go back and fourth between perfectly fine and totally crazy paranoid. One little fight seems to make me feel like my wife is going to look for someone else. She was very apologetic and open after I found out about the affair, but the problem is I found out totally by chance, I still probably wouldnt know if his wife didnt find out and message me. Thats what drives me nuts, and I get a pit in my stomach and go through everything. To make it worse my profession specializes in catching liars and bad people(hint hint), and knowing I had no idea makes me obsess over not missing anything again.
I honestly never feel better after I look, I either feel bad or think she found a way to outsmart me. I cant imagine living this way the rest of my life, but I tell myself “prove you can trust her for a while and then you will move on”, which I hope is the case, but moving on and not snooping also seems naive sometimes. A lot of these comments seem to say that the desire becomes less and less intense, which is encouraging, so hopefully thats the way it goes. A big step, I noticed, is promising myself that if anything like it happens again that i’m going to leave. I set some money aside just in case, and if I needed too I could go tomorrow. I made a plan to apply for a job somewhere I would love to live and work and even found an apartment complex that I would go too. Knowing that if something happens I have a plan for it helps a lot.
The golden rule in my profession is “trust your gut”, so for anyone out there wondering if you should snoop or not, that advice usually serves me pretty well.
This was like reading a mirror of my head. Happened to be lying in bed a few weeks ago and saw a strange app symbol on OH phone. I had to google what KIK was. Like a fool i confronted him that night not realizing then when you log out of the app it deletes everything. All the messages and names. Its a fool proof date site. He said it was only day and that she was just some random Claire. At first i believed him but after downloading the app myself there are no randoms you have to know the users id its one of the parameters. So now i am snooping, driving myself crazy and getting no where. He won’t bend from his story and even though he has now given me his phone code all the apps are locked so it is pointless.
i have 5 weeks until i youngest goes to uni, 5 weeks to make up my mind on whether he is worth saving. Because at this point all i feel is shame, embarrassment and anger that i may have wasted a lot of years with someone who could throw it all away for a bit of skin.
I am trying to let go of the snooping – for me, not him. And have approached our daughter, who like an idiot he sent a sorry i was a scumbag text by accident instead of to me, how she feels and bless her she said that i need to be happy. Wouldn’t dare tell my oldest son who worships his father but this would break him as much as it has me. So screw it right? 5 weeks to get me head in order and see what i think is worth fighting for. Thank you all for these posts it has made me feel like i’m part of a group – a group you never want to belong to ever, but still a little less alone. Love to you guys x
Hello everyone,
I like most of you had a gut feel that something wasn’t right in my marriage. My husband was acting distend. So I decide to snoop around on his social media. I first I thought I was crazy trying to find something that wasn’t there. we had always had each other login for all our accounts., but I saw an inappropriate comment on a celebrity DM. I said to myself ok you are acting like a crazy over the top jealous wife. But something inside said keep looking. So I did and I found what I was looking for an immediately regretted it. As if I was the one doing something wrong. I went on his snapchat and saw a year long list my exchanged messages that blow my mind and destroyed my world. I screen shot all I had found and confronted him. He said I have never even meet her we only texted. We have 3 children together and I have always felt that if there is no more love in a relationship to leave not to stay for the kids. However, I love him and I don’t want to hurt my kids because they love their dad and are unaware of what is going on be hide close doors. He seem truly and honestly remorseful but now I find myself questioning 15 years of marriage over 1 year of texting. My gut feeling tells me he sleep with this person while he told he was work late nights. It has made me insecure, and a big time snooper. I honestly wanted to leave that same day I confronted him but something inside hold me back. Now I am battling with the big question I should I just try to rebuild or just leave ? I can tell his trying but I just don’t want to let my guard down out of fear he will don it again. But I also find myself snooping to find out more on there person. Which I did and I called her and never once told her who I was or what my relation to him was. I also found out he was searching for hotels and was on multiple dating app. Lately there has been any kind of indication that he is still using the app or contacting anyone but thought of him being able to just dismiss our marriage angers me. I can’t even stand watching him go through YouTube and see random girls showing off there assets on video or him looking at porn or looking at any girl because I automatedly think that’s what his looking for and I’m not that. Feeling uncapable of keeping my husband happy though he try’s to reassure me that I make him happy and that he loves me and doesn’t want to loss me or his family. I want to believe him but I can’t and I hate that he say he loves me because my mind will tell me ” well if you loved me so much why would you do something like what you did”. I honestly hove no idea what to do weather to stay or leave and this quarantine isn’t helping.
My situation is my H had an “emotional affair” with his mom’s best friend whom he works with at a second job at Kohl’s. They got “tight” there. They shared at the peak of their affair over 3500 texts in one month. And here’s where it gets a little hairy. She’s married, BFFs with my MIL and has 2 children of her own. But she and my husband “kissed and stuff” and he told her he loved her. I feel this has moved to a physical affair, but he maintains since he didn’t have sex with her, it’s not that kind of affair. Whatever. Anyway… he SAYS he broke it off with her but he refuses to quit the job. Then he lost his full time 20 year job because he was on probation after his affair with her interfered with him doing his job and after Dday, he had anger issues and mouthed off to someone and got fired. My fault too. Anyway, he SAYS he broke it off with her, but I have no idea. They still work at the same Kohls. He still disappears and goes out “running errands” but I’m not allowed to know where he goes. My gut is SCREAMING he is still with her. I have Life 360 because our daughter started driving and I feel this is a great way to make sure she’s safe. He refuses to participate. Says it “goes against his beliefs”. He feels I’m just trying to spy on him. Well…hold him accountable maybe? But he doesn’t feel he has to be accountable to me.
I ‘ve been told that I am wrong for asking this of him. That I should just TRUST him. (I don’t) and he gets hugely angry when I press it.
Am I wrong for asking him to join a GPS tracker where he can also track me and our daughter? He won’t even do it for HER safety and that alone SCARES me. what is he hiding?
How do you guys deal with a EA or cheating or lies when you’re just engaged to this person and love him and can’t let him go but he dosen’t tell me the truth. He probably deleted all their chats and stuff, and won’t show his bank transaction details or whatsapp because you’re in long distance. Could someone please help me. I am going to therapy for 1 year now and I feel like I am going crazy. He says she is just a friend and I don’t hang out with her at work alone but also they keep me blocked many times and don’t answer calls or keep internet off when I call alot. These are all my doubts on them and they have never once said look trust me, i will show you my phone or prove myself. Is having these kind of doubts normal, when he ignores you because he overstays at work and verbally abuses you if you have questions that he takes as accusation. I have become this unbearable person and even I don’t like it. I feel so depressed and overwhelmed every single day. I feel suicidal so many times because I feel I will never be able to move on if he leaves me.