Christmas bulbHello Everybody!

We had a very nice Christmas and we hope that you managed to do the same. 

After all the work and stress of putting on the Christmas day feast – Italian style, we’ve been taking it easy and just enjoying the holidays and the time off.

It seems as though we require more recuperation this year than in year’s past.  Not sure why that is.  Another year older I guess.

Our girls are home from college and our son has spent a few days with us over the last week, so it’s been nice. We can even add that the annual family Christmas day get together went off without a hitch.

Everybody “played” nicely and Linda didn’t let her sister-in-law get to her – too much.

There was one emotional moment when Linda’s brother Face-timed one of his daughters and then passed around his phone for some of us to talk to her. Linda got a little teary-eyed because our nieces and nephew weren’t spending Christmas with us. When Linda’s brother saw that, he even had to leave the room for a few minutes as he got a little emotional as well.

It’s been fairly obvious that many of you are taking some time to be with family and friends, or just doing whatever – which is to be expected this time of year.  I imagine many of you are out taking advantage of the post-Christmas sales as well.

Prior to Christmas we ran a few posts about surviving the holidays and we’ve also sent out some holiday related resources on a few different occasions via email. Considering that focus on the holidays, we wanted to hear how Christmas went for you.

Please share your Christmas experiences with the rest of the blog community – good or bad.

What sort of challenges were you faced with during the holidays that may have been different from last year or any other time of year?

Perhaps you can share how you were able to cope with triggers, emotions, thoughts and any other affair related issue that came about.

If there is anything else you want to share or have questions about, please feel free to throw it out there!

Thanks and take care!

Linda & Doug

 

    45 replies to "Share Your Holiday Experiences"

    • Tryinghard

      Doug and Linda
      We had a wonderful Christmas. Too much cooking and rich food so as usual the New Years resolutions to get back to healthy eating are in place. LOL well I did good today, juiced for breakfast and lunch, H ate a QT hotdog!!!!!

      There were no triggers, Yay me, and H totally spoiled me, as usual, in the gift giving. My darling grandchildren make it fun, but mostly it was the closeness and true joy I felt my husband had being with his family and me. He’s taken up cooking with me and he is a whiz with a mandolin in the kitchen. I hate the mandolin ever since I almost sliced my finger off!!! I love cooking with him and he’s enjoying me showing him cooking and recipe tips. So all in all it was good but I can’t wait to take all the Christmas down.

      • Doug

        I hear ya, TH. Linda and I are severely addicted to sugar (and beer) these days. And since my girls are home and Linda is off work, my schedule is all messed up. Instead of getting up at 6:30 and to bed at 10, we’re staying up till midnight and waking up at 8. Next week when Linda has to go back to school is gonna suck.

        I’m glad there were no triggers for you this year and it sure seems like you had a good time. Keep moving forward!

    • Strengthrequired

      Xmas has been ok, have been told it may be my mothers last one.
      My h and I are on holiday for a week with our children, and let me just say, my h has been cranky for the past two days, still another 3 days left. It is like he doesn’t want to spend time with us at all. I think of it this way, he rarely spends time with us and as soon as he gets a week to be with us, he still wants to not be with us. Here I was hoping that this week would be a good week and we would get to enjoy our first holiday together in years. I was wrong. Makes me question more and more why me and our children are here, trying…. It’s like we are walking in egg shells, so not to upset him more.
      I think right now he is better off with his family. At least he wants to be around them..
      I hope everybody else is doing well and having a great time.
      Happy new year everyone.
      Just in case I don’t get on later…

      • Doug

        SR, so sorry to hear about your mother and that your week isn’t going too well. Don’t let your husband’s crankiness stop you and your kids from having a good time. Hang in there.

        • Strengthrequired

          Thank you doug,

          My mum doesn’t know that I know what the dr told her, she didn’t want me knowing, but my sister told me.
          She is quite sick and getting worse, nothing they can do.
          I am trying not to let my h get to me, the kids have definitely felt it though.
          He seems better today however, yet even then it makes you question why after so many days he decides to act

    • Strengthrequired

      Sorry but just needed to vent

    • Gizfield

      Strength, first let me say I’m very sorry to hear about your mother.

      Regarding your husband, I think he got used to living the Single Life, and he has gotten lazy regarding your family. When my husband was still acting like a turd he said he couldn’t do anything cause I was “up his ass, 24 /7”. I assured him that could change. I started planning shit and going places without him. Guess what, he liked that even less. So my suggestion is to give him a LOT of space. What harm could it do?

    • TryingHard

      SR So sorry to hear your mother isn’t doing well. I hope things change and she gets better to spend many more holidays with you and your family.

      I know when my H and I go on vacation it takes a couple days for him to ease into relaxing and enjoying himself. Now I know since the betrayal whenever we see them being distant we want to take it personally, but maybe he’s just so involved in his work that he worries about it when he’s gone away from it. My H is such a workaholic and very involved in his work that the first part of vacation is always hard for him. I agree with Giz. Plan your day but I would add make sure he’s invited and wanted. Hopefully he can relax and you can enjoy the rest of your stay.

      Happy New Year everyone 🙂

    • Gizfield

      Right, Trying, he knows he is welcome. Especially now, he always asks me how I want to spend the day. But for a while he still acted like a jerk and I had to apply the “correction let as the Dog Whisperer says, lol.

      • TryingHard

        I totally agree with you. He wanted to sulk, good for you leaving him behind. I was only expressing my experience on vacation with my H. Vacays have always been tough for him, before, during and after the affair. I think our knee jerk reaction is to think they don’t want to be with us, they miss the OP, etc. Sometimes I think it’s hard, particularly for men to transfer over to the non-working, having fun Dad mode. I like the Dog Whisperer too 🙂

    • Gizfield

      Yep, cesar is great. He dont take no crap off those dogs.

      Seriously, I’m a loner myself so I understand not wanting a lot of interaction. Unfortunately, cheating does make you look for hidden Meaning in EVERYTHING. ugh.

    • Tryinghard

      I’m so sorry SR. Hugs to you:(

    • Strengthrequired

      Thank you giz and th, maybe you both are right. He is definitely a work aholic, just 30 mind ago he was on the phone about work….
      Tbh Since his affair I do look into how he behaves more now. I was watching people yesterday and felt quite envious of them, sad hey. I have to have the cranky ass.

    • forcryin'outloud

      So far so good on the holiday front. It’s taken over 4 years to get here and a great deal of work by both parties. In general I don’t give much time anymore to “the affair” and I sure as hell don’t waste time on the OW anymore. I spend more time and effort on myself than I have in decades. I finally feel really good about me and my self esteem is higher than its ever been post affair.
      For me time has been the great healer along with reminding myself of a comment from our therapist over 3 years ago…”You don’t have to engage in other people’s tantrums.” At the time I hadn’t a clue what the deeper meaning was behind this but now I know.

      Happy Holidays to my fellow warriors and thoughts go to you SR with the news of your Mom.

    • theresa

      I also live with a petulant, not so silent sufferer. So do my kids and they are aware.

      Is trying to include him trying to wear him down? Is work what seems to be preoccupying him?
      Is the purpose of these activities to have fun? Reinforce family ties?
      I’ve been asking myself fun for who? With who? Are my kids having fun? Am I easing my conscious by trying to include him? How does his indifference, sometimes even dismissiveness affect our children? Is this acceptable behavior, something we want our kids to emulate?
      Do we have more fun with him, or without him?

      When do we stop trying?

      • TryingHard

        Theresa
        IMHO there is NO room for any kind of petulance in your relationship.

        And hell no this is definitely NOT acceptable!!

        When do you quit trying? TODAY, right now. This is his journey to learn from, not yours. The only thing you can decide is what is right for YOU. And yes it’s setting a terrible example for your children.

        My heart goes out to you Theresa. You take care of you and keep being a great Mom. You make plans for fun or whatever and he drags his feet, go without him. Enjoy YOURSELF and YOUR time with your children. They are only small for a little while and then they are gone and you have no one but yourself.

        He should be elated you gave him another chance and definitely NOT petulant.

        Good Luck my friend and Happy New Year to YOU.

    • theresa

      I also live with a petulant, not so silent sufferer. So do my kids and they are aware.
      Is trying to include him trying to wear him down? Is work what seems to be preoccupying him?
      Is the purpose of these activities to have fun? Reinforce family ties?
      I’ve been asking myself fun for who? With who? Are my kids having fun? Am I easing my conscious by trying to include him? How does his indifference, sometimes even dismissiveness affect our children? Is this acceptable behavior, something we want our kids to emulate?
      Do we have more fun with him, or without him?

      When do we stop trying?

    • theresa

      I have to say, this Christmas was one of the best in a long while.
      Despite a visit by particularly vicious stomach virus.

      • Doug

        Must have been the same virus that hit our whole household. Fun wasn’t it?

    • theresa

      And yeah he was there

    • theresa

      There is a movie “Bridesmaids” that uses the term “lava”.
      Ring any bells?

      (Sorry to be so indelicate)

    • Rachel

      Sorry strength to hear about your mom.
      Th ex sent me an email Christmas eve. Said how hard it’s going to be without my dad, but my dad is an angel looking down and always with me. Blah blah blah.
      Then he said he will never forgive himself for the hurt he has caused me????!!!!!
      Really??? Wtf??? Why won’t he just leave me alone????
      My dad was right, he will never leave me alone!!!

    • TryingHard

      Rachel. I am so sorry he won’t leave you alone. I hope you didn’t answer him. Ugh

      Happy New Year to you my friend:)

    • Untold

      Christmas was good until unfaithful wife sprung on me that she was going to visit her “good friend”. This is a woman who enabled a meeting between my wife and her fellow adulterer. A year ago she lied to me and covered it up when I suspected and wrote to her asking to talk. Even admonished me for approaching her in a “deceitful way behind my wife’s back”. She is supposedly a devout Christian. Even though I told her it would be a painful trigger for me, my wife chose to visit this girlfriend during our Christmas trip to her family hometown. She said afterward it was to help our marriage, to keep her from building resentment (i.e. from not getting her way). It was a disappointing setback to me in our reconciliation attempt. I fear the writing is on the wall.

      • TryingHard

        Untold

        Do you think it would help if you sat her down and explained how her meeting with her friend felt like another betrayal to you since she was instrumental in the set up with the AP?

        Maybe she needed to talk to her to explain that she was reconciling, felt bad about her involvement in the affair but maybe mainly she just wanted to make sure she was going to keep her mouth shut!

        You wife should not have gone against you and met up with this person anyway. You don’t think the AP was there do you? I don’t know I think before you totally throw your hands up, and you may indeed have to do that, a very serious sit down and heart to heart needs to take place. You are right this “friend” is NOT a friend to your marriage. So sorry this happened 🙁

        • Untold

          Thanks for input TH. Have had many sitdowns – in counseling also – where I gave thoughts about this friend, betrayal, and not a friend of the marriage. Wife has talked and met with her several times since it happened, and I called once to express my anger and disappointment when I found out. AP was not there I don’t believe. Affair is over I think, but trickle-truth, resistance to transparency, attempt to maintain “power and control”, rug-sweeping and “get over it” continue.

          • TryingHard

            I am so sorry Untold. Yeah it sounds like you’ve given her plenty of chances. You are right, sometimes you just have to know when to call it a day 🙁

    • Tiredofitall

      Well…. Being that I had another D-day on Nov. 9th, my expectations for a happy holiday on any level were not high. Have one kid home from college & the other is a senior in high school. I made my H tell both of them what he has done over the past couple years at Thanksgiving so they finally know everything that I have been dealing with the past 2 years and then how I was duped again when he promised to never hurt me again. They know how I have tried to protect them. However, The first few days of Chrismas break were pretty awful H was doing his usual doting stuff with making breakfast, etc, but I just told my H that his “perfect image” was not working for me any more. We mutually decided to call a sort of holiday “truce”. So that we could enjoy our family while we are all together. It has been pretty successful. My goal is to stay sane long enough to get my youngest off to college. I cannot think beyond that. Any reconciliation between my H & I will have to TOTALLY driven by him this time. I have nothing g left to give him. God is in control.

    • Rachel

      Well my ex is yet again up to his old tricks of emailing me.
      Wished me a happy new year and he knew how difficult the holidays have been with losing my dad recently.
      I asked him to please leave me alone and not email me again.
      Of course he didn’t listen.
      He shot off another email saying that God has put us in this situation.
      I said no not god, you did finding your ex girlfriend and leaving your family for her.
      He continued with another email, that everything happens for a reason, blah blah blah. Again not taking any of the blame.
      Finally I said I am not responding to your nonscense . If you email me again I will be contacting my attorney as you are harassing me.
      Finally no emails!!!! I feel so much better, so much calmer.
      I did have to get in touch with my attorney though. The ex’s life insurance premium was not paid.
      It came to my house “past due”. According to the divorce decree it is to maintained because I am the beneficiary.
      Just another F-U to me.
      Here we go again!
      Happy New Year all!!

    • Tryinghard

      WOW Rachel your ex’s narcissism knows no limits AND now he’s blaming God. God must be shaking his head right now thinking “WTF???? Where did I go wrong with this guy”

      Well he is sorta right. God let you find out what a jerk this guy is and his bad choices, because after all we do have the freedom to choose between right and wrong, and led you to get the eff out! Yes things do happen for a reason and by His Grace, you were saved a lifetime of deceit, abuse, and misery.

      I know you know you can block him, so I won’t insult you by telling you so. And maybe you don’t so you can communicate because of your sons. But maybe when he sends these totally irrational and crazy emails you feel validated you made the right decision to divorce him. Truly the only way to beat him at his game is not to play. He is a sad, pathetic person. But the real problem is, as with stupid people, sad, pathetic people are unaware of how sad and pathetic they really are!!! Courage my friend.

    • Flowergirl

      My husband and i started counseling again in September after a year of what I call rug sweeping. Things got worse. He started saying things probably many have heard like.”i’m not happy” Is he unhappy because the counselor is putting on the heat? We had our last counseling before Christmas. He was even worse. Total blame shifting and untruths. It really reminded me of times during the Affair. Where they say things that make no sense. Anyway now that its the new year he wants to work on us. Hmmm? Btw his ap just got remarried? Think that had something to do with it? Advice for our next counseling session?

      • TryingHard

        Flowergirl
        Before you can even start the process of reconciliation you have to go through the process of working through the hurt and anger and confusion of his affair. Before you can accept any kind of responsibilities of that fact that your marriage may or may not have had problems, LOL most do and still not everyone cheats, you have to work through the fact that your H lied, betrayed, cheated etc.

        It is totally on him to accept the onus of his poor choices. He can’t give any lip service to wanting to reconcile and then blame you in any way for him choosing to cheat. The cheating is all on him. You had nothing to do with his choice to cheat. Learn it, live it. Go into you next counseling with that attitude. Look he has to prove that he wants to stay in a relationship with you and short of spitting up gold coins, he has to do everything within his power to prove it and it starts with totally taking responsibility for his poor behavior and choices. Don’t ask why he had an affair. Ask why he wants to stay with you now and “because I love you” is not enough! Also he’s not happy??? Too bad, he’s responsible for his own happiness not you and vice versa. Besides, what the hell does that mean, “I’m not happy??” My.Pet.Peeve !!! 🙂

        Who knows, maybe the AP getting married may or may not have any difference in his decision to reconcile. Don’t try to get in his head. Figure out what you want and if what you want is for all this to go away, you need to change what you want because it doesn’t go away, EVER. You can learn to live with it ,but it never goes away so be very careful what you ask for. This is no road for the weak of heart! Good Luck Flowergirl.

      • CBb

        It is a game to him. He is in mourning b/c he believes the OW was his love and now she is with someone else. My CH did that in round 1 with the OW and went running back a few months later, the second she called.

        So he is having this moment by saying I am not happy as a way to JUSTIFY the affair. He believes in his warped mind he deserves to be happy no matter what.

        I swear these “men” act like children. “gimme that toy or I will be mad” leads to “let me cheat on my wife so i can be happy”. Be a man and get real with yourself. Maybe he is more unhappy b/c of the guilt, but God forbid they ever truly admit it to themselves or anyone else.

        Maybe you should tell your H YOU are not happy either and see his reaction.

        Let it come back and bite him.

    • Gizfield

      Flower girl, ditto to what Trying Hard said regarding the I’m Not Happy statement. This is Standard cheater talk. He is inviting you to step up your game in pleasing him, cause if you don’t, he might just have to cheat again, or maybe even leave (which I doubt). It also shifts focus from what he DID to how he FEELS. Which is usually just putting the blame back on you. makes HIM the victim, not the perpetrator.

      • TryingHard

        Exactly Giz!! Very well said and that is what they do. I think the big word is obfuscation. He’s try to blur the issue even justify it because after all happiness is the ONLY thing that counts in this world and well if one is not happy they are not responsible for their actions. Go after happiness at all costs to hell with my family and my values. Damn it I’m not HAPPY!!!

        Oh Lord what in the world have we come to.

    • Gizfield

      It is ridiculous. It sounds like what a six year old would say/do. Not an adult man or woman.

    • Rachel

      I have to say my favorite line from the ex was “I beg you to have an affair, that way we’ll be even.”
      What an idiot!
      Giz, they do act like 6 year olds for sure!

      • Gizfield

        Rachel, that’s kind of insulting to the six year olds.

        Seriously, my daughter was about five when my husband was dating the whore and she acted more mature than him then. And for quite a while after that.

      • Doug

        Well, that’s a new one! Pretty childish.

        • forcryin'outloud

          My H told me every time I complained about cell service on my phone he took it as an insult to him because he had given me the phone as a gift. :-\

    • Flowergirl

      When I heard him saying things like “I’m not happy and he also said If we got a divorce I wouldn’t be all sad and mope around” He told the counselor after a heated argument that he didn’t like anything about me. Peace I’m out! Actually, Im still here but I think he’s sending a clear message. However, now he says he wants to work on us for the new year…wtf?

    • Gizfield

      Flower girl, the things he’s saying are pretty harsh. Very uncool. What is your situation? Have you been together a long time? Children? What kind of affair was it? How long did it last? Was he a decent person before?

      I don’t know about other people but I always take those kind of factors into consideration in these situations. It’s never o.k. but the history is important. In my opinion at least.

    • Theresa

      Once again, is the promise, vow, commitment made to each other conditional? Is there a hidden clause that says “only as long as I am happy”?
      And if I find myself unhappy, then it’s okay to just decide the relationship is over?
      And is it okay to inflict, “unintentionally” enormous pain?
      And do you justify this action, and the inherent fallout, because you are unhappy?
      A lot of George Carlin’s 7 words come to mind! And most of them fit him perfectly!
      And how long does a child take to realize that this [email protected]&$k that looks like your father, wasn’t blaming you for his unhappiness?

    • Flowergirl

      Gizfield,
      My husband has been an *rshole for quite a few years. Things got really heated during his affair which i think lasted on and off for a year and half. I think there may have been other affairs. I had no idea..I thought it was depression. When I did discover the affair it was over. It had been for a year. At this time he was starting to become a better spouse. I’m angry that I put up with his abuse during the affair. However, now I will not accept blame shifting. He better prove to me that he is someone I want to be with. I’ve finally got to the point where I’d rather have no relationship with him than one thats filled with lies. The thing is I doubt I will ever trust him. They say you cant have a marriage w/o trust so we will see?

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