sex after the affair
For us, sex after the affair was extremely pleasurable and passionate.

We’ve not delved too deeply into the subject of having sex after the affair. However, one of the best ways we found (in hindsight) to saving a marriage is connecting on an intimate level.  In other words—lots of great sex!

For some reason, even when Linda and I were in the darkest days of realization of my affair, when we had sex it was extremely pleasurable and passionate.  We were wondering why this was the case just the other day—after a wonderful, though somewhat brief, sexual encounter while the kids were not home.

The first question to ask is should you have sex while you or your spouse is in an affair with someone else?   Dr. Robert Huizenga says:

“…usually there is a very high level of sexual intensity between husband and wife.  The affair stirs up sexual intensity and sexual feelings. Often both have a strong desire to engage in sex, and some people say that sex is better now than it’s ever been.” Furthermore he states, “If you enjoy sex, it’s mutual and you’re having a great time, then there’s nothing wrong with sexual activity.”

In our case we maintained a sexual relationship during my emotional affair, and in fact it did become better and more intense for both of us.  It’s is even better as of this writing.

Sex After the Affair – Linda’s View…

I asked Linda why that was the case for her, and she responded that she finally felt a higher level of closeness with me during this time.  When looking back, most of our intimate moments were just after having a deep emotional conversation about our marital situation.  To Linda, this correlated to emotional closeness which as research indicates is a high priority need in women.  The sex then sort of sealed the emotional bond, reaffirmed her emotions, showed I truly cared for her and thus made it very enjoyable for her.

To be clear, she didn’t think that she was using sex as a tool to win me back or anything like that.  In fact when this journey began, she really didn’t even know that I was having an emotional affair. I had “assured” her that Tanya and I were just friends and business associates. Linda trusted that I was being honest with her, and she wanted with all her heart to save our marriage. She set out to have the kind of relationship we both had been longing for.

She also stated that through her self-exploration she determined that withholding sex (as she was prone to do) was not a productive way to show her discontent with me and/or our marriage, and actually was a way for her to be a little selfish herself.  She realized also that somewhere along the line she stopped acting like a woman or a wife, and focused more on being a mom.  Obviously, that focus is not always conducive to hot sex in the middle of the night.

In the process of trying to save our marriage, she read hundreds of books and learned a lot about the importance of sex in a relationship. She learned the reasons why she withheld sex and how important it is to a man. She realized that she wasn’t “withholding” sex to punish me, but because she wasn’t feeling loved, cared for and appreciated, she had a difficult time getting in the mood. In order for women to desire sex, they have to know that their partner truly cares about them. In contrast, men have sex to show and receive love. These ideas helped Linda to understand that she wasn’t being “frigid” and that there was a reason for this.

Educating herself about intimacy and the closeness that we were experiencing at this time allowed her to finally give herself to me in a way that I has missed for many years. If she would have known at the time that I was involved with Tanya she wouldn’t have been able to do that. To be honest because everything is so great between us she really tries not to think about it. If she did she would truly have felt used and cheap and realized just how selfish I was being. But she also knows that in many ways the intimacy that we experienced during this time helped bring us closer and formed a bond that had not existed for some time.

Doug’s View of Sex After the Affair…

While in the throes of the affair, sex for me with Linda was always physically enjoyable as Linda’s new found sensuality was very exciting.  However, I initially had a hard time connecting emotionally because of feelings for Tanya getting in the way.  I additionally still harbored some resentment and hesitations because I found it unbelievable her sudden erotic behavior.  “Why this change all of a sudden?”  Why is she now this little bundle of sexual energy and desire?”

I feel very badly that at the beginning (when Linda didn’t know I was having an affair), that I was being very selfish and basically having my cake and eating it too. I was behaving terribly and I deeply regret that.

As I got over the resentment and mistrust and regained my full loving feelings for Linda, the emotional side of sex came back with a bang as well—and has steadily grown ever since.  As a result, not only are we enjoying the best sex of our lives physically, we are emotionally connected better than ever as well.

During my affair we had many emotional discussions in the middle of the night about my feelings, her feelings and why things happened in our marriage. We both made admissions of being to blame and almost always our discussions ended with us forgiving one another and holding on tight to each other. Most of the time that’s where it ended, but that was OK too, because we still shared a real closeness.

Sex is at the core of any intimate relationship, and though the effects of an affair can turn a couple’s sex life off like a switch, it doesn’t necessarily have to.  Obviously though, it may be near impossible for some people to even think of having sex with their cheating spouse.  In our situation it was an integral part of our healing and recovery.  As long as you don’t feel as though your integrity is being violated, sex after the affair can be at the core when it comes to saving a marriage.

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    35 replies to "Saving A Marriage:Sex After the Affair"

    • michael

      Another great topic!

      Before I found out, our love life was far from happy. A young needy son. Then a new house. Who had time for us. And we both felt selfish. And we both didn’t give each other the love we needed.

      After I found out, selfishness was out the window, at least for a while. I changed a lot. Things I didn’t do before, now I do. Insecurities I had didn’t matter anymore. I wanted nothing more then to prove my love. And our sexuality boomed. And I put forth an effort.

      It wasn’t until after I was unable to take their continued communication any more, that I began to feel selfish again. I started to notice that I was always starting things. That a lot of time she was “too tired”. And I felt like I wanted her more then she wanted me.

      Now is when I had a hard time wanting to be the one pushing myself on her. When she was tired, sick, or somewhere else in her head. I started to wonder if she was thinking about him while I was with her. Is she just obliging me to keep me happy. Am I the one she wants.

      And I still struggle with these thoughts. But its only when its been a while. Or I’m feeling low and lonely. And it seems to be getting back into a pattern like it was before the affair. And I’m still feeling like she isn’t putting forth the effort I am. Does she love me enough. Does she love herself enough.

    • Last2know

      I am so with you on this one. Geezus I scare myself sometimes. I have read a lot about how to please my man. it is a real turn on for me,,,,finally. I was a lot like Linda. I was also in menopause which adds to the lack of desire. Like Doug my husband was confused by it. Prior to me knowing about the EA I felt him slipping away and started to initiate sex. I withheld for the same reasons as Linda. It really has brought us closer. He laughs because I chase him around like when were first together. I figure I have gotten so good at “all” of it that he wants me to stop reading he can’t handle much more….how did he ever think he could keep up with a 37y/o when he can’t keep up with this 51y/o.

      • admin

        Last2know, you appear to have everything together and are handling your situation much better than me. There are days when I feel like I just found out and all the emotions come flooding back. What is your secret? Do you have any books or websites that helped or do you have a bad memory and forget everything easier than I can?

    • Last2know

      I have a very fresh memory of that everytime I let that memory in. Linda but I try not to channel those emotions to my husband because he is doing everything right. For example on Sunday he went to pick up our son and I went through his work phone. Her number was there (they still work together in the same dept, different buildings) I was shaking couldn’t sleep etc. But it was only one call (5mins) and I knew it had to be work related. He could have deleted it but he didn’t. So that tells me he is not hiding anything from me. He certainly knew how to cover his tracks back when. I was able to get over that and I haven’t even asked him about it. You have been at this longer than I have. The energy you are using allowing those feelings to come back need to be channeled somewhere else. Don’t get me wrong sister it’s still
      is very hard. I still want to hear things about her (bad ones) 🙂 and I do from my spy’s that work there so I still have a long way to go. Google “affairs and memory triggers” it helped me. I am so in love with my husband again that I am trying to replace as many bad memories as I can with new ones, even if it’s just a memory of one of our daily walks. We will all get there I know we will.

      • surprised

        Last2know – Wow – thanks for the encouragement. It’s good to hear your H still works with the OW yet is doing the right things & that you are both healing. My H still workes with the OW & one the same floor & office area but he seems to be doing the right thing too. He keeps the calls short & doesn’t respond to the many texts she sends. Sex has definitely become much better since the emotional affair was found out & it definitely makes us feel much closer & loved by one another.

    • michael

      Thinking about things today I want to lay some blame on one who needs it. ME.

      Throughout our marriage I have been the one who has initiated things sexually the majority of the time. She has always been more reserved about intimacy and sometimes completely withdrawn from it. “But thats a topic for another blog site completely.” And I’ve known that. And I married her regardless of that.
      Throughout the years I became more selfish about it. Wanting her to be more proactive in intimacy. And when she couldn’t provide that to me in the way I was for her, I began to resent her for it.
      It got to the point that every little brush off I felt was a rejection of me. And I would find something to distract me. At one point, months before she started talking to the OM, I came to bed to find her wearing something sexy and it didn’t even feel right. And I didn’t know what to think.
      In hind sight I should have seen that as her wanting more attention. But I didn’t know what to think at the time. I continued to do the things I was doing and rejecting her in the process. Big mistake on my part. We don’t know how to communicate intimately so she went unheard and I went unheard.
      Then came that day in December. And a lot of things started to line up. Things that I barely noticed the months before. She cried out for the attention she wasn’t getting from me. I dropped the things that I had been using as a distraction. I tried as I could, and still am trying, to make up for our anniversary.
      I held her and made love to her any chance I could. We were at a place sexually that we haven’t been for a long time. 3-4 times a week. But we also had weeks where she would give me reasons why we couldn’t. And those were bad weeks. Weeks where I saw her communicating more with him. Or when she was having withdrawals from it.
      But now for some reason I’m feeling selfish again. And I find myself needing more and not getting it. So I’m back to not giving as much. And I’m sure she is feeling it too. And not wanting me as much. And were back to once a week maybe.
      I’m my own worst enemy. And I need to shoulder some of the blame. I can’t truly be giving if I’m expecting something for it.

    • ppl

      i do not want sex with wife now, cannot even consider it. i believe she needs to be tested now and in three months. no interest in putting any part of me where someone else has been. i cannot believe i am alone in this. what about comparisons as well. obviously not feeling real good about myself if she had to go elsewhere. without confidence it couldnt be good either. i dont think this is contest to win her back with better sex. intimacy without respect and fidelity is a total turn off to me now

      • Shar

        I couldn’t agree with you more. My husband cheated & sex is the last thing I want. It’s such a betrayal & something is never do. Of course he says he didn’t sleep with her but went out with her for 3 long years! Even if he didn’t sleep with her, he lied. I just can’t seem to get past something I’d never do. And our sex life was good, he only went out with her cuz she came after him & he loved the attention. I feel so lost & angry. I can’t believe how many ppl just get over cheating let alone go amp up there sex life, seems desperate to me. I wouldn’t have self respect if I did that.

    • Donna

      Just wondering… is it wrong to initiate sex with my husband while he is in a NC withdrawal phase??? or do I let him be the initiator?

      • Doug

        Donna, I don’t think that it is wrong, but only you can know that based on the reaction from your husband and how YOU feel about it. Linda felt that when she initiated sex that she was being too pushy or even possibly manipulative, though that was not the case at all. She for awhile then backed off thinking that I felt she was being that way (erroneously). I guess the answer is if it feels right then do it!

      • Michael

        I’d like to take a crack at this one. Because it has weighed heavily on my thoughts for the past 6 months.

        From my experience and from all that I have read all people view, and feel, differently about making love. And that difference can have a deep impact on a relationship.
        Some see making love to someone as a way to be more connected to the other person. A way to feel that person is part of them and they can open themselves to the other person. Knowing that they can be more. Allowing them to open up and become emotionally connected. Opening the door to the inner self.

        Some need the emotional connection fist in order to feel safe giving them self to the other person. They don’t feel that they can fully give them self to someone without that connection. And a strong bond with that person opens the door for that safety.

        Then there is just sex. Some see sex for just the mechanics of it. Its like riding a bike. Its enjoyable to do. But it isn’t more than that. Its just a selfish way to enjoy yourself.

        And any person can feel any one of these feelings, or others, for someone else at any given time. You may feel selfish and just enjoy yourself or you may need that emotional connection to feel that enjoyment with someone else, depending on how you feel yourself at that time.

        It can be seen as a loving gift that you do for the person that you are with. Something that is just so natural to do without thinking about it. Something you do for them and not you.
        It can be just a way to make you feel better. Maybe even a way to hold onto somebody and hope that person sill has feelings for you. Both of these are done for your feelings and not theirs.

        The more you think about this in these ways the more you wonder what the other person is feeling. Are they open about those feelings. Were they just trying to keep you from leaving. Were you just trying to keep them from leaving. Were either of you, or both, just enjoying themselves without regards for the other person. Or was it just that the connection you have is so strong that you both are sharing with each other in the kindest way.

        Thinking about these might bring some insight into yourself. Are you being giving? Or are you being selfish? It may or may not change the way you view what you want to show your spouse.

        Be giving, be nice, be good.

        Just a side note. Life is back to like it has been before the last turmoil. And I have that uneasy feeling in my gut again.

        • carol

          Michael, another thing…when he came back for his 2 week leave period recently, as far as I was concerned their affair was still very much on. So…I requested that we sleep in different rooms, in fact after the first 3 days it was so painful for me to be in the same house that I moved out to a guesthouse. I made it clear that I was not rejecting him, but that I could not bear the pain. I made it clear that I wanted him to court me and woo me, and make me feel desirable, (she is 12 years younger than me 39/51) There were a few occasions that things could have developed and I made tentative moves, but felt a wall, felt rejected and immediately retreated. I felt that he wanted to be faithful to her. As I said goodbye to him at the airport, for the first time in the 2 weeks that he was home, he kissed me passionately…all the while in the check in queue and all the while in the q for the boarding gate…as he sat on the plane he smsd me “this is not over”
          and yet…that uneasy gut feel…

    • carol

      Michael, I agree with you 100% and I also get that uneasy feeling in my gut, even though my husband is thousands of miles away. We have not made love (or had sex – there is a difference) since 27 January. His affair began shortly after that. Bear in mind that we are apart for 3 -4 months at a time, which makes it really difficult for a man, I know. However, even before his job out of the country, our intimacy was infrequent, 3 – 4 times a month. He has told me that he fell out of love with me some 2 years ago, and that lack of intimacy was part of the reason, financial pressures the other part. I have examined the past carefully, and I realise that I was working so hard to make ends meet that I was too tired, stressed and emotionally drained to notice his needs. He did mention them to me at the time, but part of me was resentful of the fact that he was not earning enough, and that I was bearing the financial burden. These are issues we have since discussed, and will continue to address. His affair was /is? (I am not sure) very sexual, exploring things we never did. I would have liked to explore those things, but they never came up…was it me? should I have been more adventurous? should I have initiated more? all of these questions keep me awake at night…and that terrible uneasy gut feeling….
      Complete honesty would help, but at this stage that is not happening. In all other ways I am completely giving, and I ask myself, am I wrong to wonder whether it is all about him, and not about me at all?

    • michelle

      Everything I read is about how to restore intimacy. My hubby and I have NEVER has sex more often than we do now (not even in college). It is ridiculous 2-3 times a day for the last 2 months. I initiate, he initiates. And it is incredibly HOT sex!

      It started the day I confronted him about his physical affair. I yelled and threw things, he apologized and we talked. About 4 hours into the conversation I started to have intense feeling of desire for him. My logical mind said “How can you want to have sex with him? It is the very way he wronged you?”… “He could have and STD!’… “its too soon.”…. I fought those feelings for another 2 hours as we talked and cried. Then I couldn’t fight it any more. I’ll never forget the look on his face when I sat on his lap and started unbuttoning his pants.

      It confuses me how badly I want him, almost all the time. I am sure I not using sex to manipulate him. I have a genuine desire for him physically and the emotional closeness that comes along with it. I think at first I was “reclaiming” him. Now I just can’t get enough of him. Is this normal or abnormal?

      • Doug

        Michelle, Many experts report that sexual activity between the married couple does increase in frequency and intensity after an affair. I imagine there can be numerous reasons for this. I would say it’s completely normal if you want to do it and it helps the situation.

        • michelle

          Thanks Doug!
          No one seems to talk about that so I wonder if we are crazy! Everything I read is about how hard it is to have a physical relationship. There is also lots of talking, crying, laughing and rebuilding going on. I have missed the closeness and the partnership so badly. I am so glad to have him back 100%. Maybe that is responsible for the intense desire. And I turned 40 the same week. That was a liberating exp. No longer a child and way less worried about what I “ought” to: do, think, feel…

          • Doug

            Well they do say sex is better after 40! 😉

      • Linda

        Michelle, I want you to know that during the beginning phases of our recovery I “craved” Doug, I couldn’t get enough of him. I was really confused about this and after much soul searching I realized why I felt this way. One reason was that Doug and I were spending a lot of time talking about our situation, he was really listening to me (much different from the past) and I felt very close to him so after these long conversations we would be together. Another reason it gave me a sense of control, everything else was going crazy, being with him gave me power. I also realized that my life had become boring, predictable and rigid, having sex gave me the opportunity to let it all go, I became uninhibited and spontaneous, I felt liberated and these feelings began to carry over to the other parts of my life. However Doug viewed my new sexuality consciously, in the beginning he was resentful because he didn’t trust my actions. He believed that I was trying to win him back, and that after I won him I would go back to my old ways. I also believe he was confused about my actions and emotions. On one end I was acting like a hurt puppy, then I would turn into a sex kitten. My behavior wasn’t consistent with my emotions.
        I am happy to say that we still “crave” each other, not as urgent as before but a much more intimate and special kind of connection. It is better than we have ever experienced even in our early days.

      • Jen

        Well it’s great for ur husband he got to have sex with hot girl then u became a sex kitten . If ur happy who cares if it’s normal

    • Nony

      Hello,

      I know this is an old post, but I have been feeling deeply sexual with my husband since I found out about everything. I think it is a way for me to feel something with him, to engage. It has been wonderful, and although I am still having a hard time forgetting about his EA, and still painfully paranoid that they are constantly in contact, I am starting to relax and let go little by little.

      Here is my question because I do not see it addressed anywhere…what happens if I get pregnant. Around the time I found out, I had to go through two weeks of antibiotics due to a cough I had. I had a strange period (started way too early) and am now feeling strange. We already have a daughter, but between the EA and the fact that our marriage was already straining under our financial stress, getting pregnant is the least desirable thing that could happen right now.

      Has this happened to anyone else? I am terrified of the added stress this will bring. Also, I am sure he will think I did it on purpose. He couldn’t be farther than the truth. I must honestly say that the thought of having a child with someone who can lie to my face for so long tells me that we have a long road to travel before I would consider having another child with him (regardless of our financial state). Having said that, this is most likely the last chance I would ever have of having another child due to my age, but staying in a marriage I am still not sure of and bringing someone else into it doesn’t feel right.

      Doug, I would be very interested in hearing what you would of thought if Linda had fallen pregnant a few months after discovering your EA. And Linda, how would you have handled it, telling him about it?

      I won’t know for another week or so, but my body is suspiciously full and crampy (PS – I take my pill religiously!). This is just bad timing (but maybe I’m wrong…).

      Thanks!

      • Doug

        Hi Nony, Nothing wrong with commenting on older posts! Thanks for bringing this up. It is certainly something that we have not addressed here before. For me, that’s a tough question to answer. One, because both Linda and I are pushing 50 and a child at this point would be quite a shock for a number of reasons! 😉 Secondly, it’s hard for me to imagine my thoughts in a hypothetical situation like that, but I truly believe that if we were to have discovered that Linda was pregnant at the time, I’m sure that it would have knocked me out of my affair fog immediately and I would have ended the affair at once. That being said, one of the unfortunate statistics about affairs, is that a large percentage of them occur with men while their wives are pregnant. Not sure why that is, but could be something interesting to research. Good luck to you no matter the outcome!

        • Paula

          Nony and Doug

          Just found this page! I got pregnant after the affair was over, despite using contraception, I have an IUD fitted. I booked for an abortion, but miscarried on the day. I didn’t tell my OH that I was pregnant, at 42, as I knew he would try to talk me into keeping it, and I thought, even though I have desperately wanted another child, I couldn’t bring one into this situation, it would have been a band-aid child, and who wants to be that! My yearling colt broke my nose that day, and with the stress of that I think my body did the right thing, and “ejected” the poor little foetus. Good luck Nony, things happen for a reason, if you are pregnant, it is a real blessing, and maybe it will reconnect you both, I certainly hope so 🙂

          • Paula

            Oh, sorry, forgot to say, my OH did find out I was pregnant, when I miscarried, and he mourned for that lost child, and all he/she represented, and was very tender and loving when I told him that I wasn’t going to continue with the pregnancy anyway, and my reasons why, even though he would have totally loved him or her, he was very supportive of me, and I of him.

            We have three kids, I have a condition that was supposed to preclude me having children without IVF, but somehow I have had those three, and now four miscarriages, as well! What is meant to be is meant to be, I guess. Booking a termination was INCREDIBLY difficult, I think so much harder when you have three full siblings to look after, and look at, reminding you of your terribly difficult decision. I never really felt the huge pull to have children, I was probably too young (first child was born when I was just 25) and very independent, and I knew that having children would mean great sacrifice, I didn’t go into it blindly thinking I would have a little doll to dress up and show off, I knew the realities, and I never wanted more until after the birth of our third, at 31, which was so out-of-whack, because we had agreed after the birth of our son, our second child, that that was enough (he was a very difficult, unsettled baby, I suffered from multiple bouts of severe mastitis, being hospitalised with one bout, and it was very hard going, with less than two hours, usually only half to three quarters of an hour, between feeds day and night until he was over 10 months old, and he didn’t sleep well until much later, we were exhausted and sleep-deprived, more so than at any time with either of our daughters!) The second I had because my OH wanted more than one, and I probably agreed, and the third was conceived after a split condom and subsequent morning-after-pill failure! I know this all sounds like I’m some kind of loony! I didn’t discover the third pregnancy until I was 20 weeks pregnant, which sounds truly bizarre, I know, but I had just deliberately lost 12 kg, and got down to 57kg (at 20 weeks of pregnancy!!) just 5kg more than I had been pre-children, and I was very happy I could maintain that, so I had no way of knowing that I was pregnant, I am happily healthy, no morning sickness whatsoever with any of the pregnancies, and my gynae condition means I don’t menstruate, so of course, no signs of anything out of the ordinary! This all just made me so mad that he never used contraception with her, because we have had “issues” with it, even when using it correctly!!! He just breathes the biggest sigh of relief every time he thinks about how she was trying to trap him into having a child with him, just as she did the father of her son, who never agreed to that, and was never in a relationship with her, she was just top of his “booty call” list! Sadly that didn’t mean he looked after my sexual health though, and I have suffered since.

            Sarah, our sex life was always really good, but went through the roof to unbelievably amazing for the first 6 or so months post D-Day, so much and so fantastic, quality and quantity!! I believe that happens with a lot of couples after affairs. It then seemed to settle down a little, but was still very, very fulfilling for both of us. Sadly, since the two year mark, I have got pretty messed up about it, and I’m not enjoying it at all, to the point where we didn’t make love for nearly a month recently, as I just couldn’t do it. I have very intense visual and emotional images of them together when we are making love, and I just feel like I can’t compete with her anymore, that she has a much better figure than me, and I get very body-conscious, even though he has told me over and over that I am better in bed, by miles, and that he wished he’d never got tied up with her again. It seems nothing he says or does can soothe me anymore. I just want to weep uncontrollably afterwards, and I freeze solid when I think of him doing what he is doing to me, to her, and THAT’S attractive! I’m pretty sure it has to do with the nightly dreams (nightmares) I’ve suffered ever since D-Day, very violent and graphic images of them doing unspeakable things, mostly to me, but sometimes just to each other. I am booked to see someone about all of this, but it is taking a REALLY long time to wait until I can see this therapist! It has turned me into some kind of fruit loop. Lucky this is all on the inside, and I don’t walk around with any of this on show!!! The only people who know my inside crazy are the people reading this blog, thank goodness 🙂

    • Sarah

      For me too, sex got incredibly better with the EA… I was so hurt when I knew and became so selfish within myself, trying to build my personal and social life back, that in bed, I still initiated things but was not worried anymore whether he was happy with the sex or not.. I just did things to please myself… I so lost myself in my marriage, completely so, not for my marriage as such (now that I realize), but for him, that was one of the reasons he cheated I think, the EA is not over by the way…
      I was an extremely possessive woman, was always doing things to please him so that he does not betray me, I always had that feeling that he’d betray me one day…..anyway…he was always flirty with other women..
      In bed I was always trying to do things to please him, whatever they were, trying to read his mind etc, n that is so detrimental to a relationship..
      N for me tht is how sex got better with the EA, ’cause I finally started to care for myself and find happiness for my own..

    • Sarah

      i think my comment fits in to the other page: http://www.emotionalaffair.org/improving-your-sex-life-after-the-affair/ :p

    • Vicky

      I am leaving this post, because I am struggling sexually with my husband after his EA. Before the EA, he was not happy with the frequency that we were having sex, but his way of trying to get me in the mood usually involved being derogatory (ie. grabbing my crotch and then asking if I wanted to have sex) and then getting mad when I said “no”. about 3 months after the affair was “over”, but he was still undecided about whether he wanted to stay in the marriage, we started having sex again because I was trying to do what I wanted and not feel like I was having sex with him just to save the marriage. It started out that way, but rather than being kind and supportive, he continued to make comments like “It is easier to stay in my own room (guest room in our house) because I get disappointed if I get aroused and you don’t want to have sex.” He also says he fantasizes exclusively about her when he is masturbating and that in that sense “she never turns him down”. I ended up feeling more insecure and would feel anxious about having sex and ultimately, it made me feel more distant and resentful towards him. He has even referred to this website to show me that most couples have more sex after an affair is discovered to show me that I am wrong in not having sex with him.

      Did I forget to mention that I found out about his affair (with an 18 year old that he was mentoring in a youth program) 7 weeks after I had my second child. Having a premature daughter, who doesn’t sleep isn’t exactly an aphrodisiac either.

      He keeps on bringing up how sex is so important to him and I have tried to explain that I need to feel loved and important, which his actions have done the opposite of (with the EA and since the affair) and that I am going to need a lot of kindness and intimacy (without sex) before moving forward. He then blames me for him not being able to be intimate with me because I won’t have sex with him.

      I want to save my marriage and I want to have a healthy satisfying love life, but feeling blamed , unloved, and not understood is doing very little to draw me in.

      • Lynne

        Vicky-

        My advice is that you both get to counseling together IMMEDIATELY! You don’t deserve these kinds of ridiculous sexual advances (clearly, he doesn’t know anything about how to get you in the mood), and his comments about his masturbation fantasies about the OW make him an ASSHOLE!!! This man needs immense amounts of help with his issues. And really, what man or woman would be turned on after hearing those absurd declarations?

        Get some help right away with this–a counselor can better mediate an understanding of what men and women both need to feel good about their sexual relationship.

        God bless you…..I just wonder how you have kept yourself from smacking him!

    • kate

      I found out my partner of 15 years was with a much younger much prettier girl than me, we are trying to work things out but he doesn’t want to have sex with me and hurts. i kind of new he was interested in someone else and all of a sudden after a dull sex life all i could think about was having sex with him. i stayed with him the other night and he even kept all his clothes on, i think this was to deter me. i feel hurt and rejected and dont understand and he gives me no explanation….

      • Doug

        Hi Kate. Sorry that you are going through this. Are we to assume that your husband is having a physical affair with this woman? Can you think of any reasons why he wouldn’t want to have sex, or why it was dull in the past?

    • kate

      it was because i didn’t want sex before, then i got a pill which helped in that department but that stage he’d caught the eye of someone 18 years his junior. I moved out of our house and so they started their sexual relationship there, he says it is because the house is full of bad memories which is why he doesn’t want to have sex with me. im just so confused as it still seems a rejection, he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me, but i feel that by him having sex with me shows that he doesn’t want her anymore. it’s an emotional roller coaster. plus she is so pretty, with long hair, slim and attractive, totally different to me and i can’t stop comparing myself to her.

    • chiffchaff

      also suffering from the problem that since my H’s PA we don’t have sex. he says that he doesn’t want me to touch him, still. He says he knows it’s important for us, for us to feel closer, and that he loves me and wants to but he’s become frightened of not being able to perform. I think, apart from him never having been able to discuss sex with me, he’s convinced that what he had with the OW was spontaneous and that we’re permanently broken/will never be the same.
      Like others have said above, it is so hurtful to be rejected, to not be touched or be intimate. It’s the one thing that seriously scares me about our future. With a friend I have managed to decide on a plan, because this is ruining my life so far, that if he doesn’t get external help within the next month then I’m leaving before my self-confidence disappears forever. It’s that bad.

      • Notoverit

        Chiffchaff,

        I think we all have had this problem. You are not alone. I talked to my psychologist and she suggested that we pick a time of day when the house is quiet and just sit next to each other. Not in separate chairs but like on a couch. Increase the time by five minutes each day until you reach thirty. No television, no doing anything else while you sit. Just sit there and talk if you feel like it or don’t talk. The object is to get used to each other again. Then there are other therapies for the sex problem. It involves touching and not having sex for at least six weeks. You both take turns – like a massage but NO SEX. Learn each other again without the threat of being vulnerable and having sex.

    • chiffchaff

      I’ve suggested he read the Relate book ‘Sex in loving relationships’ but won’t/isn’t. He suggested that he should get some help, talk to a counsellor, but he was too scared. I suggested he read the book first as, if his problem, that he won’t talk to me about, is covered there then he might not have to speak to someone in person about it. I’m trying my best here, to be patient, understanding and helpful but if he won’t help himself we’re doomed.

    • kate

      i think the suggestion above about massage sounds good. I dont know I think my oh feels so guilty about it all that when he even looks at me in that way he feels his guilt all come flooding back. but then i may be looking at it threw rose tinted glasses. i will suggest it….

    • Callie

      I had affairs several times in 37 year marriage The first was a year and a half after our wedding, Still had not had a wedding night due to the Needs of the navy’s submarine service, I had just watched them load him into A helio for transport to a boat on the west coast, and watching the other wives and girlfriends with their husband and being paid attention by a Air force Captain at the off crew party, Another wife’s brother I started a 8 month affair that when his command gave him the choice of a special court martial or transfer to Italy without me HE said good by we had fun as he walked out. My husband did not know about that until he read my journals in 2013, HE did n=know about the ones after 1990 trying to get him to live in a peacefull way with his father and the community. The Hell he was causing over his seniority rights at work and rights with his high seniority returning from his military leave. In 1987 because I could not let him destroy the hopes and dreams of lesser seniority about a summer vacation, He could have tried something we wanted him to try in January. HE yelled at me that I was breaking my word getting him to stay home from the Rome vacation and let a younger senioriity have their june wedding and honey moon. To Get him to Stay and work in their place I had to swear on my bible and sign a notarized copy of what I swore to.

      That any time, Any way and any where he wanted his vacation I would start being the sex partner he expected and be a willing travel companion. Everyone wanted him to let everyone that still had plans the rest of the summer have their time and we could go some place nice after the Holidays to start our own marriage right in peace with the community. When he was waiting with his cloths in the back intending that I live up to my word the day I stepped out of customs to Rome I could not let him hurt other plans. HE shoved me on a bus to my mothers 30 minutes later told me he had no use for a wife that stood for everyone else while standing against him art every turn. Then when his father had a local judge stop him with a judicial order, requiring in the best interest of the community he had to go to the court to get his seniority rights, When his divorce petition was tossed in 1989, and the Judge wanted to explain why he was going to keep his order on my husband and others like him, That eventually there would be a softening, of that order giving him more leeway in deciding his vacations and holidays for himself As well as jobs and shifts.

      The Next 11 years were hell, He would not take the options of mid winter vacations, I could not let him defy everyone. There were bad fights including when he showed up from work on Christmas and told me touch one dish before he had his fill he would break both my arms He had litteraly tossed the Judge and his father out the front door saying they were not welcome in his home. Then He sat down to eat with me pleading that he could take the sandwiches we were going to take him going to the club. I would put a couple of plates to warm when he came home in the morning, And We would talk about his getting time off after the first of the year and what we could do.

      He was throwing other guests out telling them and their boys he had made it clear pot was never to be used in his house and they to were never welcome back. Then when we were going to Bavaria on December 23rd 1999, He flattened two deputies demanding hiv rights by union contract and the Constitution He did not care about a local yocal judges and his father a**inine wants or thoughts about his rights Until he flattened the deputies he was just going to be held until we were in Munich On Christmas eve, Then at work and in the time he was not at work find a way to the best milliniall holliday he could have that did not disrupt other plans more security at work was bruised and battered trying to get him to not walk off the job leading a wildcat of ex military also forced when they should not have been. There were just no answers to gain any cooperation or use of options they had in other times they could try.

      When we came hone to the terrible insults on his 45th birthday. I had a plan to Leave on the seventh after arranging two days to celebrate Christmas and The Millinial Just not with the fireworks and dancing I had been at. Then a short trip to the straights of Mackinack and a B and B with a full jacuzzi suit overlooking the straights where he could Ride a ice rail, A sailing thing on blades. and snowmobile. as something new he could do and we could try and get things about the last 19 years cleared and forgiven in the new century with just a little understanding of how his defiance towards the general community caused so much in hatred and division. When He Left me standing in front of his mothers being told we could consider him like Lucifer. He would rather rule In the hell, we kept him in than ever think of serving us in our idea of heaven, Know that everything we wanted from him he was going to fight us tooth and nail over until he left to many casualties until he had his rights returned in full, The next year he started piling them up. Leaving me and four others heading into the hospital. Then every time he was intimidated into work on holiday’s and vacations the only way they could think of to be safe with firearms.

      If just once he would have just tried to take his times for vacations and holidays at the best time for everyone else After the 2nd Of January instead of beat everyone over the head with his contract and rights. In May 2009 he had 34 years seniority and had trained a 24 year old with 2 years seniority to take his place and work from before Memorial day to after Labor day in place of my husband because his seniority gave him that much time off. IT was my plan that it was the last time I was going to help stop him from time off and the Vacations to Europe. He had not had ac day off since 1981. But his coworker was in trouble getting his girlfriend 4 months pregnant.

      Standing in the conference room we were using to explain the situation he wanted his father and me dead. He threw me across the room dislocating my shoulder as I stood there crying we would give him his refund at his work gate on Christmas He was getting the first three months of 2010 off The first five weeks in a tropical Paradice of St Croix. Just back off his Orient anger and just take what we had arranged. BY that point his father was screaming be a man about it and he would get his passport back in the mail instead of confetti if he did not stop acting like a big baby he had not had a vacation since 1976. His father was getting O2 as they set my shoulder, His pants were shredded down to his knees and he could not speak after his own son intended he was leaving in a body bag after staring him straight in the Eye Strangling him. All because we were trying to settle a social need without harm and in peace. When we returned to being jailed for three months, The Young man was terminated for going. We were talked to At labor day by the union saying they did not care. As of That summer he had worked the last holiday and been forced out of the last vacation they would permit. WE had nothing to say in the matter no matter how hard we cried. His card would be locked out of the turnstills.

      ON October 24 trying to figure a way to incorporate him into Holiday traditions I was talking to his mother when we got a Call he was being sent to the ER. by the next morning he was coming out of surgery with his spine fused. He had MRSA in his Spine at L4 L5 and when I had planed to leave for st criox He was laying in a rehab with Morphine, benadryle, antibiotic, called vacomiasin, with his union president begging him not to sue the cooperation or the local they would change everything that had discriminated against him in allowing him a day off holidays and vacations as well as others that were caught in the gray areas, No longer would those considered of special privlige have those privileges if they worked in the same capacity they were giving him his timekeeping His Retirement clock waiting for a gold watch for 35 years service credited with a .corporate record in days worked without time off. As I said the problems Just seemed insurmountable His father was angry he was being retired as a cripple without nerve impulse in his legs. As far as we knew he would never walk again, We sort of felt if he had just done as we wanted the last 24 years he would not have become so depressed his Immune system shutdown allowing the MRSA to set up3 where it did. He was in there the next three years.

      When I would not sign to allow a wheel chair van to bring him home for the holidays, mostly to keep his father and his friends from yelling about having a cripple in the way we heard about our lack of compassion from his mother and others in the family, then on top of it having him yell at us about leaving him in there for the holidays, I felt like there was no winning for losing, I was going to be hated any way by my husband no matter the explanation.

      IN 2012s visit after the new year things were as we knew not going to be welcoming. I just wanted him to understand how hard things had been with his derfiance and anger always causing devestation when Stianless steel flattened his father and was flung at me in a full urin bottle and he’s screaming I was still a traitor bit** without a GD heart. We were told not to return. I was Seeing a old Boyfriend in my last affair when they bought my husband home on an evening I was out with him. The next morning pulling in everything hit the fan Hes Pulling in Right behind us in the HHR not in a wheel chair like expected. Hes standing there yelling at the two of us to get out and face him or his heavy cane would put the windows in our laps. again crying I rolled my window down asking to go in to the house and take things off the street. He said I had to get things in there any way and we went in while he cleared the drive to be followed by him MY friend thought sweeping his cane then laughing at his joke calling him a pathetic looser as funny My husband tried to drive his cane through his skull sitting down but just managed to shatter the left side. dropping him in place I was pleading to not cause more damage he might kill the other man as he dragged his way over to him telling me that was his intension with me next He just swatted me across the room and started the terrible beating on my friend, I called 911 he police arrived to se another bone breaking blow land on my friend.

      A police woman cleaned me up as they transported both to the hospitals, husband to the regional mental health and my friend to a ER. and intensive care all over what could have been considered a joke. That even his mother and farter were yelling at each. His father said there she went again defending him when he assaulted his betters all over wanting his rights. I had been invited to go to a black tie dinner two weeks latter with my husbands mother father and to accompany hi fathers best friend as the fourth. We had already been chewed up one side and down the other that we were the abusive ones. Things in the day area went from bad to tp worse When his father steamed out screaming when was he going to be a man. Boo hoo he did not get days off for decades there were more important needs than his damn need for a few days off.

      Why did he think his own wife did not have sex with him Boo Hoo He was always wanting his stinking and crying when he did not get his way. HIs oldest son used a wheel chair that time to flatten his father. It earned him a night in a straight jacket and cool off room When I was getting ready to go to the black tie dinner the next Teusday We had planed for his coming home the next Friday with a dinner on Saturday for everyone to voice their concerns in Integrating him into the traditions made the last 31 years, and his terrible attitude and its development towards everyone Just because he was expected to take the back seat to other needs. He was waiting Outside my room door as I finished getting ready without me knowing When I stepped out right into his chest his first statement let me know where everything stood that evening That good I was ready to go out. He had not even seen a movie in a theater or been out after breakfast in 31 years. WHERE WERE WE GOING HIS FIRST EVENING HOME.. I knew I should have just told his father I Could not go as I had promised. My husband was home and expecting his day to go his way. It again I was standing there explaining my promise for the evening how if he pushed everything his father and friend would be super upset if I was kept from going.

      MY husband looked at me and said did I think he cared about a promise made his father after the hundreds made and broken to him over 31 years, He said he cared less about a promise to his father about any thing I was blubbering that he did not have to be this way we could meet him any where he wanted four hours after we left I would give him a hundred and he could pick a place and meet us in four hours there so we could talk. Get his grievances in the open so we could try somehow to rectify everything even after 31 years there had to be someplace to meet Try and find a way to work things out without pain involved. Or Someone so angry they would fly off the handle. He informed me he came before all that evening, That under his roof he was the final and only judge and arbiter and the first word saying he had to wait one second meat I would be out the door in the cold on my rear.

      I was trying to think of a way to get out of the house and the deadly situation I found myself in and get him back to the mental health or jail, when I started running and he tore every stich off me leaving me begging we did not have to be this way. we knew we treated him unfairly and many times he had answered taking his pound of flesh or breaking someone in response. He said that I had not be his wife4 since our wedding Now since he had paid my way for thirty-one years that was what I was going to be for once as he had his way with me taking me on the floor as I Screamed please god no not that way. Couldn’t he just be nice about things I would even make his father mad and not go that evening. He truly terrified me that evening as he did not even notice that I was hurting myself begging him to stop. IT was pure rage that was driving him that evening.. Rage against me. rag against his father, rage against most everyone else that had used him as the person they could make do because they wanted to keep him in a certain place he considered to wipe our feet on.

      He wanted me to know that since I had used what he had made in pays for 31 years, that I had not earned any thing he paid for as a wife, as a mother since refusing sex will not allow children, I was crying that we had lost track of how long it had been since our wedding and nothing that had happened was meant, It was just trying to maintain a peaceful smooth society around his defiance. That due to that defiance that it was all his rights or he would have nothing, Was the real reason he became ill, had nothing in the marriage, had nothing he had earned when he had so may options of exchange 9of time off for the highest needs. I said I knew he missed out on a lot of things he wanted to do and worked so hard to be able. But to the rest of use when he started making people bleed and hurt because they figured out ways to force him to do as they wanted even to the point of having a shotgun pointed into his back, nobody wanted things to be that way, I did not want him standing over me that day handing me the phone and telling me to go ahead, report his marital sexual misconduct, Lets get it into a public forum, That I should wait for a rape kit to e done then he would have us all in prison.

      His fathers best friend was intercepted at the door by my husband and told to scram. I was indisposed and not going to the dinner. When he demanded my husband let him in to speak to me, My husband said no he was not coming in without a badge and warrant, So buzz off and inform his louse father he was taking charge in his home.

      I heard the other man tell him get outa my way crip then a short scuffle with his fathers friend crying release me. Then a scream of terror from the friend that cut off abruptly as Tires coming to a quik stop screeched. It was his father I heard next crying why did he do that, his friend was badly hurt. My husband said he hoped he bleed out. The diner never happened, I was sobbing when his mother sat beside me in my bedroom saying what was I going to do now, apparently her son had become very tire of being directed in his life to make everyone else happy. When he broke his fathers neck, refusing to stay home from a cruise vacation in 2015, Things ground quikley to a stop with my having friends, MY husbands heart quit on June 3rd this year leaving me with his son now five to raise without a father.

      His son is proving just as defiant, At 54 it wears me out, I had been moved 1230 miles to the west to NE Wyoming where my sons best friend is a Cheyann pureblood girl, The match would not have been looked at all kindly with my husbands father.

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