A simple save your marriage tip…Try acknowledging when you have made a mistake or were wrong – and admit it.

save your marriage tip

By Doug

If you want to save your marriage, try acknowledging when you have made a mistake or were wrong.  Admit it.  Apologize in earnest and try to do better the next time.  Sounds so simple doesn’t it?

The other day Linda and I went for a walk and were talking about some things, and during our somewhat emotional discussion, it became crystal clear to me that there were times throughout our marriage that I was a total shit to Linda and our relationship.  At times I was insensitive and totally took her for granted.  It’s very obvious that the saying, “Sometimes you hurt the ones you love” was appropriate in my case.

The discussion stemmed from a question a reader asked me about my past flirtatious behavior and the effect that it had on Linda.  In the past I of course felt that my flirting was insignificant and meaningless.  Linda on the other hand, was deeply hurt and took a direct hit to her self-esteem.

After thinking about this some more and trying to discover the reason why I did this, I would have to conclude that it came from my having to be right all the time.  Further, I believe that I inherited this trait from my Father – an extremely intelligent and seemingly infallible person.  But that’s another story all together.

I also think it had something to do with my very competitive nature.  Every argument or discussion was like a competition to me.  It was a competition that for some reason I always felt I had to win.

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Instead of really listening and considering Linda’s standpoint on an issue, I would become argumentative and offer every excuse in the book.  Nothing was ever my fault.  I was right and she was wrong.  Boy was I stupid.

As a result of my self-righteousness, Linda would end up withholding her feelings at times so as not to be beaten down and absorb more blows to her already fragile self-esteem. Her silence on the surface seemed to indicate that everything was fine, but deep down they were not. 

Instead, issues that should have been brought to light and discussed rationally were kept inside and left to fester.  This caused resentment and mistrust.  This soon turned into the appearance of apathy on her part towards me and our marriage. 

This was just an aberration as Linda still really did love me and care for me, but she was beaten down from years of my insensitivities and simply felt like giving up.

I blame myself totally for making her feel that way.  Luckily for me, this emotional affair recovery experience has taught me a few things – including how to communicate better.

Sure, getting rid of old habits can be difficult at times and I can revert back to my old ways.  For the most part I have been able to cast aside my need to be right and my competitive nature.  As a result, Linda can confidently talk about her feelings and we can really get to the heart of the matter.  It has helped our marriage out tremendously.

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So, this simple save your marriage tip is this:  If you have displayed similar behaviors to what I have described, you might want to look deep within yourself and figure out where you’ve been wrong and just admit it.  Nobody is always right and admitting when you’re not can go a long way in the mind of your spouse.  It’s another deposit to the “love bank.”

 

 

    46 replies to "Save Your Marriage Tip – Admit When You Are Wrong"

    • Notoverit

      Great post Doug. It actually made me think about pre D-day and how I was acting. My H, long before the EA, had become very argumentative and very verbally cruel sometimes. Maybe it was the pressures of work or maybe it was just that he didn’t like getting older (do any of us?). I am usually a very in-your-face kind of person IF you attack me; otherwise I don’t bother (you can’t fix stupid). I do remember being attacked by my H for wanting to do something or go somewhere or whatever. It didn’t matter if it was something he disagreed with – I got no say in the matter. He had to be right all the time. Since I loved him and didn’t want the drama, I just retreated. Yes, it festered but I did other things to divert myself from thinking about it (gee I wish I could do that now). I did not fight for my opinion because I tried to understand what he was going through. But we never ever talked about it. That was the problem. I do remember asking countless times what was wrong but he’d just say nothing. I gradually withdrew and didn’t bother. It just struck me that all of us in this mess have very similar problems. Thanks for the great post.

    • melissa

      Yes, definitely food for thought. I realised that both my H and I are rather competitive and that for years I was very negative, always trying to find a way to have the last word. I’ve learned to say ‘yes’ in the last year or so and it’s been a real discovery – from going to the cinema nearly every week to trying not to say ‘you don’t do it like this!’ and being more open.

      As to flirting, my H’s flirting has always driven me mad but it took me a long time to voice my feelings (the aftermath of the EA brought it on). I hate it when he calls other women ‘darling’ or ‘love’ or whatever words I feel should be reserved for me. He knows this now and tries to avoid this behaviour but doesn’t always succeed. Also, when I trusted him 100%, I felt it was not important enough to make a fuss. After discovering his EA, flirting became a symptom of his betrayal and I am a lot more sensitive to such behaviour.

      • Notoverit

        You know, my H didn’t flirt for years. But, in the last year before the EA, he became a master of flirting. I had been told he was doing a bit too much, but like Melissa I felt secure and it didn’t really bother me. I think it was a warning sign of his being open to other women. Sorry Doug, but we all put out signals if we are available. Because I was secure, I didn’t recognize it. Now, there are boundaries in place – no personal talk with employees, especially female ones. It can be misconstrued. Keep it professional. And at parties? No way is he allowed to flirt. He does recognize it now. And there isn’t really any harmless flirting; none, nada; zilch. Just my opinion.

    • changedforever

      Agreed, a very ‘thoughtful’ post…very well put too. Like NotOverIt (once again,) I too rereated. My H never flirted in my presence though, obviously it was behind my back…what I didn’t know realy DID hurt me. But the verbal abuse was something I did not address. After a while I created this ‘protective shell’ around me, thinking I could deflect the comments…in retrospect, I see how hurtful it was to what little self esteem I had. I just couldn’t do anything about it (so I thought.) When my H mentioned going to a marriage counselor back then, I quickly agreed but made the mistake of trusting he’d follow thru on his contact for finding the counselor we so desperately needed. Then our family trauma hit…and what should’ve drawn us together to handle, caused my H to run. He’s non confrontational when it comes to me…but I just didn’t know that (even after almost 30 years together…then.)
      During my one on one marriage counseling session this week, our doc mentioned that my H truly has not done any work on himself. And he made me see what he SHOULD be doing. This post drives the content of what our counselor discussed. You have it Doug…what my H needs to be doing…the reflection, inward. I just don’t know how to get my H going in that direction. Just ordered a recommended book for him entitled, When Good Men Behave Badly by David Wexler. Seems to have the content …hoping for the best. Doug, just how did you get ‘started?’ (I’m 17 months from DDay #1…tomorrow.)

      • Doug

        Changedforever, I think the main motivation for me to look within was Linda’s struggles to completely understand why the affair happened. I realized that for her to be able to move on and for our marriage to survive I had to make some changes. Part of making those changes was figuring out what the hell was wrong with me – what caused me to do the things I did. There were also several extraneous sources that helped spur introspection: reading about affairs and why they occur, reading comments from this site, many discussions with Linda, and starting a meditation program. I think it also helps that I work from home where I’m alone the entire day and have plenty of opportunity to think. BTW…you just gave me a topic idea for a post for next week! Thanks! 🙂

    • Lynne

      This post really resonated with me. My H very much needs to be right, too! Often, when I say something to him that is of concern to me (and believe me, I choose these carefully–everything can’t be made into an issue), he turns it right back on me. I see it as his strong need to deflect. There was lot of this going on during the peak of the discovery of his EA.

      Examples:

      When I caught him in a complete lie about the OW (on D-day), he immediately went to comments about my cell phone. How people call me sometimes and I don’t say who it is when I hang up. This came up 6-7 times during the early EA discussions. As if my not announcing my calls while he’s right there in the room hearing my conversation is equal to him hiding his calls with the OW, but he was clearly looking for a diversion. Note: I now tell him who I was speaking to on my CP after every call, and have told him that he can look at my phone anytime he wants to. I certainly don’t want him to wonder about it, as I have nothing to hide

      If I say that something bothers me and why, his first response is usually, “well you do that, too”. So rather than hear my concern and the feelings behind it, he turns it back around on me. There is no one I know that would call me a nagger…..I choose my words carefully and I consider what message I’m sending before I say it.

      After the EA discovery, and my questions about what in the world was going on, he asked me what SOMEONE ELSE had done to me in the past that made me so suspicious. Really? It couldn’t possibly have been the last 5 years of his lies, ommissions and secrecy about the OW–Yep, must be somebody else!

      Throughout our EA discussions, he had a very bad memory of things that had happened regarding his interactions with the OW. Even in the face of contrary evidence, he would turn it around on me and say that it was my memory that must be faulty.

      I won’t go on–there’s plenty more, but I do live with the master of turning things around so the finger is pointing outward. He’s getting a little better at being introspective, but we still have a long way to go. I do know that this goes far deeper than US, and really has a lot to do with things he learned years ago as a child, in terms of his coping mechanisms and self-awareness.

      As was said above, none of us are perfect and we do make mistakes–the ability to own up to them, to learn from them, to be able to say I’m sorry or was off base, is a sign of true growth and humility.

      • Jackie

        Lynne,
        I’m 3 years into this EA. Your comments as well as all above make me also feel how competitive and righteously stubborn my H also is when it comes to who is right or who is wrong in our relationship. He has a hard time looking at any short coming on his part. I believe this is partly due to his low self esteem and unwillingness to look at situations from another’s perspective.

        I see small signs of introspection that have come out in this year. Where he said, “maybe pursuing the other married woman was a little inappropriate of him.” A little?!? She is also married!

        I am amazed at how much he has compromised his integrity to allow himself to justify his problematic behaviors. He just doesn’t like to look at how much damage his behaviors are doing in his life, to his life.

        I know it bothers him to look at himself, so he hates whenever I bring up anything having to do with inappropriate behaviors. He prefers to bury it, and hope that it will all go away. Just like he did when he chose to have an EA. Just run away from the problems…then you don’t have to face it and look at your part in the mess.

    • Disappointed

      I completely shut down as notoverit described and that escalated the belittling comments and my H’s frustrations. Anything I said would be twisted. His life is the worst life and he is always the victim only cheated because of how toxic we are. I still struggle to stand up against his cruel comments and strange logic. But if we do not reconcile I know I will not repeat the mistake. I deserve much better. I don’t know how long I can wait for him to see more clearly.

      • Jackie

        Irrational, illogical behavior is all part of the affair addicted behavior. The blaming comes from his way to justify his behavior, and get you off his back…throw you off balance. I found the book’ “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie, very helpful to understand the addicted person.

        Most of all, do not allow your H to physically or emotionally abuse you. If he continues this behavior, for you sanity and self esteem, either he must leave, or you must.

        It is a horrible and confusing experience when a wonderful spouse, suddenly becomes this irrational, illogical, stranger. Very scary and confusing.

        By the way, don’t “wait” for him to see clearly. Keep your focus on you, not him. They all say that, but it is true. It is very hard to keep the focus on yourself, when the one you love most besides yourself, act as if you are his worst enemy. (Keep thinking addiction here.) You must focus on your needs, what you want out of life, what you want now and in the future. Then strive for them. With or without your H.

        We are all here to support you.

    • rachel

      Ok, I have to agree with every blogger on here. He flirts! Big TIME!!!!! He’s NEVER wrong!! EVER!! Well he did say maybe once! Verbally cruel comments, Ya I’ve heard some unbelievable ones recently! The little self esteem I have is too small to talk about!
      Funny he can’t remember a think about his lunches with his ex. But he can bring up things from 10 years ago that I’ve done wrong!!
      I tried to find out why the affair happened and he swears that he wasn’t haveing an affair, he was just catching up with her and texting her every minute of his life!!!
      And I want to work on this why??? I seem to be having second thoughts about this. He has not moved one inch from d-day. I still say he’s waiting for her to leave her husband. Then bomb number 2 will happen.

      • Notoverit

        Sorry you’re having such a rough time Rachel. After the EA, however, my old backbone miraculously grew back. I have never once stood for one comment made to me (similar to the ones my H flung at me before and during the EA) since D-day. I am ashamed to say that I had to buy a new set of glasses because I threw most of the old ones at him for some snide comment or insolent silence. I have never done anything like that in my life but, to me, enough was enough. I now have a voice, an opinion and he now listens ( I got control and don’t throw glasses any more but he does watch if I have one in my hand. LOL). My point is I decided I was not going to take it any more. I tried in a nice way to tell him but that did no good. I finally got his attention after about the fifth glass. I don’t condone violence and I never hit him with the glasses; just sent them in his general direction. But I made my point – I deserve to have an opinion and I deserve to act hurt and distraught about what he did. Don’t dare tell me otherwise (I have a new set of glassware). Maybe your H keeps on at you because you have not drawn a line that says I will not be talked to in that manner. I finally got to the point that it just didn’t matter any more; I had nothing left to loose (his EA had already done that). It was sort of liberating.

    • Carm

      Doug this post is great you remind me of my H he was always Flirting and when i would bring it to his attention he thought I was just being Jeolous. Things have change for him now he was looked deep by reading your blogs and other book you and Linda have recommended that he is able to see how wrong he was how many time he acted and flirted with other Women in front of me and I just stood quiet so he would not think i was jeolous or cause Drama. He also Always was Right he would argue with everyone to make sure he win I hated that about him. He is working very hard to control all that and lots of changes that needed to be done to make him a better person. Thanks again Doug
      M
      Ind

    • ifeelsodumb

      My H never flirted yet he got involved in an EA…it was words of admiration and affirmation that he needed and wasn’t getting from me!
      Of course I never KNEW he needed that because he is the strong, silent type and didn’t say anything.
      I have learned this last year that the home you grow up in, and the way you are treated by your family, really DOES impact you as you get older!
      He is working on expressing himself more and I can really see a big difference in him!
      I told him tonight that I trust him again…I’m not at forgiveness yet…but we’re working on it!!
      I’ll be changing my name soon because I don’t “feelsodumb” anymore!! 😀

    • Carol

      Again, thanks for a great post. It is eerie to me how similar so many of our relationships have been. For my H, it was mostly on-line flirting that he would engage in, though there was some flirting with colleagues of mine that would go on as well. I caught him twice doing the on-line flirting, told him to knock it off, and thought he had. He would always agree with me that he was crossing a line, seem surprised that he had done so, and promise not to do it again. Well, now he’s had a 6-month EA (with one physical encounter that is very hard to put out of my mind) which was mostly conducted long-distance so via text and phone. I feel foolish for not seeing that this was a pattern of his — to push that line, try to hide it from me, get his ego stroked while distancing himself from me and lying to me in order to continue it. Like Doug, my H thought he was never wrong: all the problems in our marriage were my fault, not his (despite the fact that he was the one pursuing contact with other people), and (maybe unlike Doug) he could be very cruel in the ways he would blame me for everything. Foolish me, I believed him: I thought maybe I was too picky, making mountains out of molehills, etc. I guess that’s what Doug means by Linda taking a hit to her self-esteem? Having a hard time today. 🙁 But thanks for the post; it helps to know I’m not crazy for feeling such pain and that there is hope.

    • Paula

      Doug, this post has really touched me, firstly, the way you so eloquently describe this part of yours and Linda’s journey, and then, the posts here by everyone. Many commenting here are a long way down this road now, and it is interesting to see the progress, I must commend those who are doing “the work” – well done you guys, it makes me very proud to “know” you! We are certainly in the same boat. With recent work on us, my OH is really embracing this idea, this introspection, it still rankles with him that we have to do it, and that it is so slow and hard, but he is open to it. It is amazing watching him open up, somewhat like a flower, and slowly accept that this is what we have to do, as he puts it, to ensure that I feel as safe as I possibly can in the future (I said it was important for him to feel just as safe, as when we hit the next life hurdle, he needs to feel confident he can turn to me, not outside of us.) My guy wasn’t really a flirt, as such, just very comfortable with female company, I don’t have any desire to change that, however, I have told him that there were times in the past when inappropriate things were done, and he accepts that this is correct (eg, one small 4 year old daughter and a brand new baby at home, just a few days old, and he arrives home at around 4.30am one morning, with a female friend, after a big night, I got up and chatted with them, made coffee, etc, but told him later that it was not cool, he agreed and realised how it looked, but did defend himself by saying, if I was being naughty, I wouldn’t have brought her here, would I – of course I agreed, but in light of the type of affair he eventually had with my friend, in our home, holiday home, whilst I was present, etc, maybe not!!) He, like you, Doug, now says he thinks he was a total shit to me over the years, too, always right, always needing to win, although I don’t see it as so appalling, I certainly learned to shut up a lot of the time, and pick my battles! Now we are both more aware of our personal “psychology-speak” core insecurities, and where they originated from (I was aware of mine, and how they had come about, I had already done a lot of introspection, and understood, and communicated to him the things that pushed my buttons, etc – explained my insecurities due to the secrets my Dad had to keep from my Mum, explained my fear due to rape at 20, etc – I’m not perfect, by a long-shot, but I have always had a pretty real understanding of my past, and the effect if has had on the now, etc.) It is a really liberating feeling, to know that he is truly prepared to pull himself to bits, and that makes me feel like I am so worth it (even though I already knew myself I was, it’s great to have him back this up by his actions!) I am seeing so much more of the fabulous man I have always been madly in love with, he is allowing himself to be vulnerable to me, and, contrary to what he believed, from the way he was brought up, it is NOT weak, wussy, or unmanly. I love my very masculine man, but I absolutely adore this tenderness that he is showing,again, also. I have hope again for the first time in about a year, thank goodness, we were right on the brink again for a while there, and the most freeing feeling is that it doesn’t matter where we end up, together or apart, we will have this fabulous, even closer understanding of each other, and I don’t think apart is such an overwhelmingly foregone conclusion anymore, yay! Thank you all for listening when I was in the very depths of despair, it is a very lonely journey, this one, as no-one wants to hear your pain, and I have only had you people here to “dump” on, and I really needed it!

    • rachel

      Well my H hasn’t moved an inch from d-day and it will be 3 months on Feb. 13. I guess I expected things to be somewhat worked out by now. I don’t trust him because I have no reason to. He leaves at night and I have no idea where he is. It’s all a big game to him. So aggrivating to me, but I just keep quiet. I thought by now he would have wanted to sit me down and talk to me about our future and what we can work on. He never talks about the future of trying to work at our marriage. Acutally he really never talks. I still feel he is in contact with her by texting or e-mailing. I can’t figure out that stupid Verizon website to check his phone for the phone number he’s been texting. But, part of me says does it really matter. He has already told me that he’s not in love with me, wants to find someelse to love, she is his soul mate, blah , blah, blah,. It all just gives me a stomach ache. Have never been so close to going to the lawyer and filing as now. Why do I bother trying?? He’s not!

      • Paula

        Rachel, I’m so sorry, especially if my comment made you feel worse. Believe me, we have all been in your shoes, it is the most horrendous feeling in the world. I was meaning to connect with those of us who are years into this hideous journey (I’m 2 years and 9 months in.) I really do know how lost and hopeless it feels, believe me (I actually attempted suicide – twice, first attempt 5 and a half months after D-day – I’m ashamed to admit – but I really do know how awful it feels.) Thank you Notoverit for helping Rachel out with the cellphone advice. I also had to do the same thing, and I had no luck either, as my OHs mobile provider wouldn’t let me login, and wouldn’t give me the password, even though I had set it up – years earlier, and had forgotten the password. My partner didn’t even know how to use the website – or that it existed!! I found that the phone bill listed the numbers called or texted back then, and the amount of time, but never got any content. I only found content after D-day, which was not incriminating. According to him, they never sexted (she is an unimaginative bitch, anyway!) as he told her if she did, he would not reply, as he was concerned that someone may pick up his phone, as I did once, after the second time they slept together (about 4 months after the first time – which until then, could have just been a “slip-up” until he went back for more!) and saw the “I really regret yesterday” comment from him to her, and her reply of “why, why woudl you have any regrets?” etc. Nothing to completely pin him down, but enough for me to interrogate him for about 2 hours, in a place away from our children, there were a lot of tears, and he was the MASTER liar, explaining how he went to her house whilst I took the kids up north to go on a fishing trip with friends that he “didn’t have time for” – when I asked how he had time to drive the several hours to her house, do the jobs she asked him to do, and drive home again – he apologised fo not mentioning it, that he knew that I might not be too happy that he did that while I was away (his ex-GF) but that he was just helping a poor, needy friend break up some concrete on her section (poor, poor needy singly Mum, boohoo.) I recall screaming at him that he was a liar, and there was no way he drove all that way, sweated with his shirt off (he’s in great shape, a rugged farmer) in her back yard, with her standing by with a cool drink for him, and they didn’t have sex (she would have been very turned on by that, I was quite sure, I knew she had feelings for him.) Somehow, God knows how, really, he managed to calm me down and lie so convincingly to me, that it was innocent, that he wasn’t in the slightest attracted to her (she had cheated on him with several guys more than 23 years earlier, so it seemed feasible that he was disgusted by her to me) and I eventually believed him, completely. He promised never to go there again, without my knowledge, told me that he had meant to tell me, but thought I would be miffed because he said he couldn’t come on the fishing trip (I had been working 70 hour weeks in the year up to this time off, and really needed the family break.) So, Rachel, that’s a small snapshot of how far I have come. It is very, very hard not to crawl into your shell, three months is a long time whilst you are living with the pain, but you are still close to D-day, and this lack of progress is not uncommon, but it is very important that you don’t just take all of his bad behaviour lying down. Push yourself to look after you, don’t stand for his using your home like a hotel, and you the maid. If he’s not going to try to re-connect with you, you do your own thing (I made mine leave, I wasn’t going to do all the work and not have him try to fix his mess with me, however, I know many advise not to offer ultimatums.) Good luck, my apologies for making you feel worse.

    • Notoverit

      Rachel, look at the Verizon website and find My Verizon. You have to have the cell number of your H and the password. If you don’t know the password and you’re on the account, call them to change the password or email them (the password will be sent to the email on the account – might be your H’s and if you can’t get into his email it might be a problem). On D-day, I tried to get into the account, not knowing the password. Screwed it up and the thing shut down access. Had to call them about it. They fixed it right up, much to my H’s chagrin. I got to see the hundreds of text and hours of phone calls. It can be done as long as it isn’t the company phone. Hope that helps.

      And as for your H, continue with your behavior. Ignore him and work on yourself. I know your deadline is coming up and it’s scary. Just remember to take care of yourself. Will be thinking of you!

    • Notoverit

      And, everybody, I checked out the Wayward Spouse blog. Talk about a narcissistic bastard. Don’t go there if you don’t want to get raging mad. He seems to want to blame his spouse for “not meeting his emotional needs”. I wanted to respond and ask him if he (coward) ever told her that she wasn’t meeting his needs. I didn’t because I am sure he would have deleted it (can’t take any criticism of his beliefs so he admittedly deletes comments). Also, he does not like being called “cheater;” it has such “bad” connotations to it. Really? How is having an affair not bad? He just can’t face himself or what he did. Stay away from that blog. HIs reasons for his affair will tick you off because he is so self-centered.

      • Doug

        Notoverit, I agree that this blog would not be very helpful for a BS who is in the initial stages of recovery or is trying to heal their marriage. Personally I found his thoughts to be very typical of a cheater who is still in the fog. He appears to be very selfish and has not truly understood the implications of his actions. I am also concerned that he is keeping this blog a secret from his wife, just another way he is not being transparent. It made me cringe when he talked about how fun and sexual is wife is now, like there was something wrong with her before. Now that she has conformed to what he feels is an “acceptable” companion she is good enough to keep. I feel he has a long and hard journey ahead of him, right now his wife is in shock and the “honeymoon” stage (a bad choice of words) when she wakes up he will have to look at himself and take responsibility for his actions. Linda

    • Surviving

      @Notoverit
      Your comments from The Wayward Spouse are correct what really pisses me off is he uses comments from Linda in it. I also came away from it feeling thoroughly disgusted. He won’t allow any negative comments, he has very few comments. It’s too bad his wife doesnt know about his blog, it’s very possible she is on this blog trying to figure out why she can’t talk to her husband.

      • ifeelsodumb

        OK Ladies….I say we all come together, computers in hand, and at the same time all of us post a negative comment…blast his blog! Then laugh as he scrambles to delete all the comments…then another “armed” group send in a new wave of neg. comments…over and over again!!! LOL!!! That made me laugh just thinking about it!!
        I’ve never been to the site, and don’t plan on it…I’ll just start praying his wife finds out…and soon!! Of course, if he’s THAT dismissive of his wife and blaming her for his lack of character, integrity and honor…then I’m sure she’s aware of what a total jerk she’s married too and hopefully she’ll get a good lawyer and take him to the cleaners!!

    • rachel

      Not over it- I tried to get into the verizon account but he has a password that I don’t know. And he has a password on his computer and phone and that’s locked. Hmmm… think he’s hiding something???
      When I questioned his phone being locked, he said that the phone comes that way. Not true!! I snooped before on it and read a text that he sent his friends about the size of a womens chest at a dr.’s office. I know men talk like this, but not something I approve of.

      • Notoverit

        Rachel, is your name on the account? If it is, call them. If not, then I am afraid there is no way to get into it without his password. Have you tried to talk to a real person? Or you can try different passwords on his account and eventually it will shut down access so that he has to call them. I might just keep doing it (okay, not good advice but it’s fun to think about).

        A little light-heartedness here, one time a few weeks after D-day, I got mad at my H for not responding to my text on something. I went on line, turned off his phone and changed the password so he couldn’t go on-line to turn it back on. He was not pleased to say the least. Looking back, it was/is funny. He was completely cut off. I never knew I could be so devious. LOL

        • Notoverit

          Hey Doug, this might be a good Discussion Wednesday topic. What is the funniest thing you did to your CS after D-day? Like spit in his food, put Ex-lax in Brownies, let the air out of his tires- something along those lines. I know it doesn’t help to do those things but there have been times I couldn’t help myself. Not very mature but…

          • Doug

            notoverit, It’s funny that you would mention that topic, because I was originally going to run almost the same topic last week, but had a change of heart at the last minute. I guess I will do it this week instead. Thanks!

    • Surviving

      @ifeelsodumb,

      Ready to post whenever you are

      • ifeelsodumb

        What’s the site? Might take a look at it sometime…when I need a good laugh!
        Seriously…he’ll get his..Karma will catch up with him!

    • Surviving

      @rachel,
      Next time pick up his phone and say my phone is dead and I need to call (whomever) right now what’s your code?

      Once my H EA was over he gave me all his codes but while he was in the EA he told me the company made him have a password on his phone and his work is so “confidential” that he can’t give it out! Really the biggest B.S. I’ve ever heard.

      There’s a good blog here Linda wrote “it’s hard to stop an EA” look for it on the sidebar.

    • ChangeisGood

      Doug, I applaud your GREAT understanding of how your self-righteousness created resentment. My life is just that….I only wish that my husband would REALLY look at himself and understand. In life, things that are truly forgiven and put aside are things that are talked about, without being defensive, viewed as a big hurt, without trying to downplay it. I am trying really hard to get him here to read some of these things to better understand where I am and to see if he sees himself in some of things others have posted that are further along….This journey as truly been a rollercoaster ride.

    • battleborn

      Did all of you see the news about the Dad who shot his daughter’s laptop? Maybe we should gather our CS’s phones, computers, etc and shoot them like he did. Hilarious – and fixed the problem of bad juju.

    • Surviving

      The Wayward Spouse calls us BS who are suffering Nazi’s more than several times on his blog. So although I hope he sees the light in how he treats his wife I also hope he sees the truth about his statements about all other BS, to compare our hurt that we feel and convey to our H to the Nazi in Germany who tortured and killed over 6 million innocent people is beyond comprehension.

    • rachel

      I packed the rest of my husband things tonight. Cant take it any more. Said he wants to try. Then in the next breath he told me that he told his therapist that he doesn’t know if he wants to stay or go. I made up his mind for him. He is leaving. I am done! He’s not in love with me, in love with her, she brings out the best in him, they are soul mates, they connect, they picked up right where they left off thirty years ago. She can have him!!!

      • Paula

        My heart is with you Rachel, I’ve been there, and done that, and it helped me. Getting him out of my life and making him see, see properly, from the outside, the effects of his selfish choices, and making him realise how bloody awesome I am, helped. It gave me space and confidence to “start again.” I still loved him, we still communicated well, and we are together now, but we had three periods of separation, of up to 4 and a half months at a time, and I needed them! He needs to stop stuffing you around, and I think the only way he is going to make any decisions is if you put your foot down, and show him you are fine without him. I agree, she can have him, that was my thoughts exactly, he was not such a lovely, shiny prize to me anymore! I wish you well, you’re going to be great!

      • Anita

        Rachel,
        You made a tough choice, and I know your pain.
        Take this time to heal, and take care of yourself.
        Keep posting because it will help you vent, it also helps
        to vent in your healing process. Grieving takes time
        and there are different stages you will go through,
        But on the other side of this when your done grieving
        a new life awaits you, I wish the very best for you.

      • ifeelsodumb

        Rachel, after reading everything you’ve posted, I think you’re making the right choice….for now.
        I wish I had turned my H out the day I found out…I think our healing would have been A LOT faster….would have shown him that I meant EXACTLY what I said!! I hope it will be that way for you and your H…that some time alone will show him what a fool he is being!! ((HUGS)) to you!!

      • battleborn

        Rachel, My heart broke for you when I read your post. I, as well as the rest of us, are saddened by your husband’s lack of willingness But bolstered by your courageousness for standing your ground. You deserve better, especially right now. It will be hard to grasp this moment in time, but by standing up for yourself you are building a solid footing for your future, whether he comes to his senses or not. You are at the beginning stages of self-reliance and that is a good thing. I am sure you have read all of our posts and Linda’s comments regarding “taking care of yourself.” This is the first step… you have made a decision – you are taking care of yourself! Kudos to you Rachel, and best wishes for YOUR future.

    • DJ

      I believe Wayward Husband’s wife has indeed blogged here. His story is the same as a story I remember reading here about the wife going to a gig with him – was it New Year’s or something? She worried about the OW being there. I can’t remember enough to go look for it, but I remember the story. I’m not 100% positive, but when I read his blog, it struck me as the same as something I had read before here on EAJ.

      He and I argued back and forth for a week or so, and I have given up. He is definitely in the fog, and will not hear anything anybody says.

      I have seen several posts on different blogs about him. All negative. He has commented on my blog and I have let him know where to get off – publicly. He is not all bad. He has tried to “make nice” and I have responded nicely to those, but he really can’t see his own situation at all. He refused to post most of my comments.

      Many of our spouses started off that way, though, so I wanted to see if I could talk to him. He’s not ready. The problem is he goes around like an expert, trying to tell everyone what to do and how to handle their situations. I told him I felt I was being lectured and that he was no therapist.

    • Surviving

      @Rachel,
      Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

      @DJ
      I vaguely remember a person posting that the OW was psycho and they had to get a restraining order. I’m thinking this was possibly her. What bothers me about his posting are his views about women who are BS. His views that he won’t accept his wife having emotions surrounding the affair and that if she kept it up he would just leave her. He isn’t honest about his blog and doesnt like her constant checking of his phone , Facebook etc. he doesnt seem to want to understand the depth of emotional toll this takes on a spouse.
      I’m curious as to why he would take Linda’s posting and put it on his blog to justify anything.
      So he hides all his blog from his wife but states he’s transparent.
      He says no contact with the OW, but employs a “friend” who was never friends with the OW before this to stay in contact with the OW.
      He’s a very deceptive person… He plays games with all those involved in his life.

    • Surviving

      The Wayward Spouse doesn’t want to hear and won’t post any opposing views.
      I wrote to him when he said if he found a tracking device on his computer that he would leave his wife.
      I said to him prob something in his wife’s “gut” is telling her that he isn’t being truthful ( because guess what he isn’t). He said that the site marriage builders and other advocate placing tracking devices on spouses electronic communications. I told him I didn’t find this to be true.
      He also is clear about his physical needs being met, but what about her emotional needs?
      What if something happened to her cancer? Would that be his justification to go back to his cheating ways? The affair he had wasn’t his first.
      What if he stopped meeting her needs could she then reach outside her marriage to get those needs met?
      He is NOT receptive to any comments about any critism, nor did I find any of his interactions pleasant.

    • Helena

      Hi, everyone. I’m dealing with being absolutely consumed with rage and hatred against the OW (not to mention rage against my boyfriend). I’ve been doing a lot of Googling, trying to find things that would ease my pain in my obsession with the OW, and I found this message thread:

      http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1457353

      Someone wrote, “Patience, letting go of the anger, forgiveness, being kind, zipping the lips………these things have to be done or you will be miserable for a long, long time.” What is your take on “zipping the lips”? I feel a desperate need to talk to my boyfriend about the OW and what happened between them, but he just doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. We go around and around in circles fighting about it. I just want the whole truth, and I feel he hasn’t told me enough of the truth. And although I feel a desperate need to talk to my boyfriend about it, I’m thinking that perhaps “zipping the lips” is the only viable option left to me for possibly saving my relationship.

      Since I first confronted my boyfriend about the OW in October, he has alternated between being very defensive, and seeming remorseful and doing his best to be good and sweet to me. But he has now reverted back to a completely unapologetic position where he refuses to acknowledge that his interactions with the OW were inappropriate in any way. He blames my “negative energy.”

      Basically, for some background info, the OW is someone he was casually dating and fucking right before he started dating me, and their “friendship” continued to flourish parallel to his relationship with me. She knew all about me, and he would provide details to her about our relationship, including sexual problems we were having and complaints he had about me, but I didn’t even know she existed until about six months into our relationship when I snooped in his cell phone and emails. I waited an additional six months before confronting him about her because I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt and waiting for him to end it with her of his own accord, hoping he would come to understand that it was not appropriate to accept flirty or suggestive text messages from her and whatnot, but it kept going on. About five weeks ago, he supposedly told her not to contact him again, and she hasn’t contacted him since then as far as I know. He seems sad that I forced him to cut her off, sad that he hurt her feelings.

      We’ve been to four sessions of couple’s counseling, and he does not want to go anymore. He feels that the counselor and I beat him up in these sessions. The thing is, we are not married, have no children, and started dating in October 2010 (we had been acquaintances since 2006), which is relatively not that long ago, so he contends that we are fighting too hard for a relationship that is not significant in the first place. He contends that if we need counseling this early in the game, then we should not be in a relationship, and I must say, he does have a point. I love him so much, though, and I brought us to counseling because I just really wanted to fix things.

      But he says my resentment over the OW has driven him away. He says he loves me but is not in love with me, that “something’s missing,” etc. – cliches people say when they are considering getting out of a relationship.

      If my relationship is to continue, is “zipping the lips” the best possible solution in my situation?

      • Holding On

        I’m sorry, Helena, but I say run away! Leave him now! I know, you love him, but RED FLAGS. He had that relationship before you, kept it going while he was with you without you EVER knowing about her.

        You aren’t married, you don’t have that commitment or vows or years of history. It just seems like he was a lying man to you from the very beginning and you really can’t change something that he was from the beginning. You never had him being faithful to you, until the past 5 weeks…maybe?

        I guess I just want you to have someone be totally committed to you. Has he changed? Has he been totally regretful and remorseful? Is he totally committed to you? I just get a feeling from your words that he isn’t and that since he has been confronted on this he is worried and caring about her feelings, telling you the relationship isn’t worth so much work and effort, wanting you to quit talking about it.

        I think it would be a different story on how much you should put up with if there was years of history, children, a desire from him to work it out, then you wondered if you should try to zip the lips. And from DDay being in Oct? You are still rather new. I’m not sure on the true “getting past” this, but it is 1-3 years or so. Can he hang in there and weather this storm with you. It sounds like not. It sounds like you are settling.

        It would hurt and be very sad to lose the man you fell in love with. The man you waited for 6 months with a knowledge of cheating to confront. It is really up to you to decide this, but my advice would be to get someone who is committed to you from the start. It might not guarantee fidelity, but to start out with a cheater is a definite red flag.

        Good luck!

        • ifeelsodumb

          LOL!! Holding On, you beat me to it!! I was going to say the same thing! RUNNNNNN Helena, RUUUNNNNNN!!! Do NOT pass go, do not stop to collect $200.00!!!
          This is a NIGHTMARE to endure…and if he’s giving you such a hard time NOW…honey, once you’re married it does not get better!
          Get out of the relationship NOW…and in 6 mos you’ll look back and be glad you did! Trust me!

      • aida

        HELENA,

        (a) It isn’t always to leave a cheating man. Trust me, i have first hand experience. it generally hurts most becoz it seems like a rejection : he is rejecting you and your love = as if he is saying you’re not worth the effort. and worst is that he is indicating that at some point you were worth the effort, but you are no longer worth it now, and that at the end of the day, he’s not willing to try – so you can just go ahead and do whatever you want to do because he doesn’t really care anymore. I can hear the longing and yearning in your voice. You want to turn the clock back and reclaim your former happiness.

        The funny thing is – regardless of how much hurt the guy could’ve caused you, you two have created a history together and there were probably good times, as well as bad. You most likely loved him incredibly at one time and may very well still love him. It is natural to take some time – and you are going to need a little time to heal.

        I’m having a hard time with this myself. Infidelity leaves deep wounds. it’s like he rejected me without fully concluding the marriage ; and all of a sudden i find out about a 7++ year (2nd) affair.

        Suddenly, everything was cast into a negative light: my sense of self-worth, my lifestyle, who i am as an individual. In addition, because this one horrible decision has been made by my spouse, i just feel like i can never recover.

        (b) Look to the future instead of dwelling on the past. Again, I know as a fact how difficult this is : especially since i really wanted our marriage and our family to work. i tried very hard to work thro’ pain and suffering for 10 years after his 1st affair and that didn’t work – he had his 2nd affair : maybe my corrections were too slow.

        I just want to share with you findings by one reasearcher (hatched in over 25 years of clinical practice, research and conclusions about the nature of humanity) : that eventually those who benefit MOST from infidelity are the wounded spouses/partners. Why? They typically become the ones who in their pain, confront themselves, learn, make shifts in their thinking and feelings and redesign themselves in ways that are more harmonious with whom they truly are.

        The cheating partner meanwhile misguidedly throws him/herself more and more into his/her personal neediness, character disorder or coping pattern dysfunction. His/her emotions, values and behavior goes down the tubes, although s/he at that moment of infidelity and attachment to the other person may deny so.

        That’s why the divorce and unhappiness stats for those who have an affair, divorce and marry another are exceedingly high. No learning, no personal evolution has emerged.

        (c) Say, “I am not the blame.” Do not blame yourself for what has happened. Most people make this mistake. They think that maybe there is something they have done or did not do, which led to the affair. Your partner chose to get involved with another person; you did not make the decision for him.

        • ifeelsodumb

          Wise words, Aida…I wish you all the best as you heal and make the choices that help you and your children!

    • Lynne

      Had to post this here because of the title–save your marriage admit when you are wrong I do think that sometimes my H has fallen and hit his head. This seems the only explanation for his behavior.

      A week ago we were in a restaurant having lunch, while having a very nice discussion. Our waitress walks by our table and his head swings to watch her backside. I’m still talking but he’s looking at her. Now mind you, this wasn’t for just a second, but was a good 10 seconds or so. I am not by nature a jealous person, and we have always talked about how its okay to notice other attractive people, but respectfully so. After the above incident, I told him that what he did made me uncomfortable–that he’d be speaking to me and then look away to focus on this woman. He immediately launched into saying they we agreed its okay to notice other people. I said that yes it was, but when we are sitting together talking, it makes me feel disrepected when he swings his head around. Then he proceeded to say that he only looked away because he noticed that “someone” was walking by, not that he even knew it was a woman. And that by the way, she wasn’t even very attractive. Hmmm, I guess he figured that out in the 10 seconds or so that he WASN”T staring.

      I just don’t get it. Is it too much to ask your H (the one that had an EA for 5 years) to treat you with respect when you are with him? His take on it is that I made an accusation about him looking at the woman that wasn’t true. Funny, I didn’t say “you do this” and “you do that”……I simply said it made me uncomfortable in that situation.

      After his EA he told that if I’m uncomfortable with something he’s said or done to speak up and be open with him (because I didn’t directly address some of the things I had noticed about his friendship with the OW–I didn’t want to jump to conclusions like a crazy lady, so I watched it over time). Now I tell him something that does make me uncomfortable and he isn’t so appreciative of it. He spent the better part of 10 minutes that day telling me that he wasn’t looking at her….I say Bullshit and UGH!!!

      Just had to vent. Thanks for listening.

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