We wanted to expand a little on the discussion from yesterday with a suggestion that I learned from Dr. Gunzburg’s book, “How to Survive An Affair” pertaining to the importance of reminding yourself that you are not responsible for the affair.
It’s an unfortunate truth that the betrayed spouse in an affair often feels that they are somehow to blame for the affair, and possibly even ashamed that they weren’t able to prevent it. You will never get over the affair if you continue to blame yourself.
Remember, the affair is not your fault and if you get bogged down in the idea that you are somehow responsible for the affair and start to feel some shame cropping up inside you, one of the things Dr Gunzburg recommends is to carry a note with you that reminds you that you are not responsible for the affair.
The note could have one of the following statements (add more as needed):
- The Affair was NOT my fault. (Explain why this is true.)
- I’m going to get through this. (You might add the word “too” at the end of this sentence if it applies here).
- He (or she) had the affair without my permission, encouragement, consent, or knowledge.
- Just because he (or she) was dishonest and acted like a creep doesn’t mean I have to lower myself to his (or her) standards.
- I am a good person worthy of being treated well.
In the space below write that note to yourself now. When it is written, photocopy it and carry it with you to remind yourself that you have nothing to be ashamed of. This will help you cope with feelings responsibility for the affair and the shame that accompanies it.
For more information about Dr. Gunzburg’s course, click here.