This post will be a bit random, as a few thoughts went through my brain last night that I wanted to share.  For instance, one of the difficult aspects of being a victim of an emotional affair is that you tend to see things much more clearly than those who are involved in the affair.

That is, we as victims know that affairs are based mostly on fantasy and rarely do they turn into lasting relationships. However, trying to convince the person involved in an emotional affair of this can be a losing battle.

For months, I would research books and articles on the subject in an attempt to convince Doug that what he was feeling was not real and that he was crazy. It all backfired.  You see, it wasn’t for me to try and convince him of these things.  He had to figure these things out for himself.  All I could do was try and point him in the right direction. It was not a speedy or easy process though.

Sometimes I still wonder if he believes everything he reads. Sometimes I wonder if my thoughts were crazy since I have never experienced an affair like he did.  However, when I feel this way I just remind myself of the facts. Mainly that most emotional affairs do not last and that there has to be a reason for this.

I feel it’s because affairs are based on fantasy and not real life.  They may think they are living real life, but compared to a married couple’s everyday existence with all the hassles, they have yet to be challenged with the problems that a married couple has to face.

See also  Time to Rewrite the Rewriting of History of Our Marriage

When you are in an affair you can be anyone you want to be. When I was going through the struggle with Doug’s emotional affair, I felt like I wanted so much to be involved in one too!  Who wouldn’t? After all, I would have a man that thought I was wonderful, exciting and beautiful.  I wouldn’t have to clean his house, cook his food and put up with his negativity.  We could dream, talk and just enjoy each other’s company.  Who wouldn’t want that?

Unfortunately though, at some point in an affair real life takes over and all the fantasies come to an end and the affair “bubble” starts to burst.

I also wanted to make a comment about texting and technology in general and how it has made affairs so easy.  When I finally was able to view Doug’s phone bills, I was shocked by the amount of texting that went on between the two of them.  I truly couldn’t believe how connected they were day after day.

In some ways texting is like being a teenager again.  It’s like receiving a secret note from your boyfriend in science class.  It is exciting. Imagine sitting on your couch and receiving a text from you affair partner, telling you they are thinking about you. They only had to say a few words and they are filled with the feelings of love.  While your spouse just cooked your favorite dinner, cleaned up the kitchen and brought you a beer.  Not quite the same effect.

I also believe that you are able to say things while texting, on Facebook or in phone conversations that you probably would not say to a person while face to face.

See also  Marital Affair Shatters Neighbor's Lives

A person has more courage and freedom to say what is on his mind when he does not have to look the other person in the eye.  He can say things that maybe are not typically characteristic of the way he really is (again, not showing his true self).  There is less risk when you are saying things by text. Your conversations can appear fun and flirtatious and you may feel the illusion of closeness with someone through texting and talking on the phone.  In my opinion, you cannot replace the looking each other in the eye and talking about how you really feel.

    5 replies to "Random Thoughts on Emotional Affairs"

    • roller coaster rider

      Oh, Linda, all so true and really corresponds with today’s post.

    • Kristine

      I have come to this same conclusion myself. It’s all a fantasy and based on infatuation. My husband said this when he first returned “she knew me but I don’t think I knew her” she never even met our kids, how could she know him when she didn’t get to experience the full him? Later on he said, “she didn’t know me, she just new a small part of me, the part I wanted her to believe I could be and keep up with” Yeah no kidding because I doubt he was showing her his RELAXED side after 16 years of marriage side! The side that nods off on the baraclounger and farts and doesn’t check to make sure the toilet is cleaned! lol it’s like when you first meet someone. It’s fun it’s exhilarating but it’s WRONG. You’re not free to express those feelings to someone else but the fact that you are and are getting whatever needs you feel weren’t being met makes it all the more exciting. Needless to say there’s a mess waiting for you back home to sort out which makes you want to escape even further to the affair. What a mess!

    • Waiting

      Thank you so much for the following that you wrote:
      “You see, it wasn’t for me to try and convince him of these things. He had to figure these things out for himself. All I could do was try and point him in the right direction. It was not a speedy or easy process though.” This is the stage I am currently in. I am waiting for my husband to figure out that having her in his life is not making it better. It is causing pain and anger.

    • Becky

      Oh Amen, Amen, AMEN!!!! Especially the last paragraph! I have said almost the exact same thing to my 15 year old son this past Spring, but never thought I’d have to explain this to my husband of 28 years! Wow. Thank you for this post!

    • LJK

      I can’t believe how often you write what I feel! I just told my H the other day that I believe he and the OW were delusional…the d-day text I found from her to him said, “You’re the best man in the whole world”. When I asked him what that was about he said, ” I had just given her all of the reasons that I couldn’t continue with our relationship” (his and hers) I thought, what woman in her right mind would believe that a man who had just been lying to his wife and family for 2 years and then broke up with her was “the best man in the whole world”?! Delusional!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.