This post will be a bit random, as a few thoughts went through my brain last night that I wanted to share. For instance, one of the difficult aspects of being a victim of an emotional affair is that you tend to see things much more clearly than those who are involved in the affair.
That is, we as victims know that affairs are based mostly on fantasy and rarely do they turn into lasting relationships. However, trying to convince the person involved in an emotional affair of this can be a losing battle.
For months, I would research books and articles on the subject in an attempt to convince Doug that what he was feeling was not real and that he was crazy. It all backfired. You see, it wasn’t for me to try and convince him of these things. He had to figure these things out for himself. All I could do was try and point him in the right direction. It was not a speedy or easy process though.
Sometimes I still wonder if he believes everything he reads. Sometimes I wonder if my thoughts were crazy since I have never experienced an affair like he did. However, when I feel this way I just remind myself of the facts. Mainly that most emotional affairs do not last and that there has to be a reason for this.
I feel it’s because affairs are based on fantasy and not real life. They may think they are living real life, but compared to a married couple’s everyday existence with all the hassles, they have yet to be challenged with the problems that a married couple has to face.
When you are in an affair you can be anyone you want to be. When I was going through the struggle with Doug’s emotional affair, I felt like I wanted so much to be involved in one too! Who wouldn’t? After all, I would have a man that thought I was wonderful, exciting and beautiful. I wouldn’t have to clean his house, cook his food and put up with his negativity. We could dream, talk and just enjoy each other’s company. Who wouldn’t want that?
Unfortunately though, at some point in an affair real life takes over and all the fantasies come to an end and the affair “bubble” starts to burst.
I also wanted to make a comment about texting and technology in general and how it has made affairs so easy. When I finally was able to view Doug’s phone bills, I was shocked by the amount of texting that went on between the two of them. I truly couldn’t believe how connected they were day after day.
In some ways texting is like being a teenager again. It’s like receiving a secret note from your boyfriend in science class. It is exciting. Imagine sitting on your couch and receiving a text from you affair partner, telling you they are thinking about you. They only had to say a few words and they are filled with the feelings of love. While your spouse just cooked your favorite dinner, cleaned up the kitchen and brought you a beer. Not quite the same effect.
I also believe that you are able to say things while texting, on Facebook or in phone conversations that you probably would not say to a person while face to face.
A person has more courage and freedom to say what is on his mind when he does not have to look the other person in the eye. He can say things that maybe are not typically characteristic of the way he really is (again, not showing his true self). There is less risk when you are saying things by text. Your conversations can appear fun and flirtatious and you may feel the illusion of closeness with someone through texting and talking on the phone. In my opinion, you cannot replace the looking each other in the eye and talking about how you really feel.