For the next couple of weeks both Linda and I will be extremely busy. I’ve got a huge event going on for work that will demand a ton of my time, while Linda is dealing with her mother who was just diagnosed with possible kidney cancer. (It was detected early so we’re pretty sure she will be OK, but let’s just say that her Mom is a bit of a basket case at the moment).
So, what that means is you may see some oldies but goodies as far as posts are concerned.
This particular post, Stupid Things I Did After the Emotional Affair, was written by Linda and it generated a ton of comments back when it was published about 3 years ago.
We’ve included the entire post, plus we added some of the additional “stupid” things and/or comments that some of the readers mentioned.
Please share your experiences and add any of your own “stupid” things you did after the affair in the comment section below the post.
Stupid Things I Did After the Emotional Affair
A few years ago I wrote a post about the stupid things Doug said while in his emotional affair, and got to thinking that I also did some stupid things. Well, at least some things that sure wasted a lot of my time when I could have been having a pedicure, eating a bowl of ice cream, or getting a massage by a gorgeous masseuse.
Most of these wasted activities were related to my pseudo-obsession of the other woman. I wonder if any of you can relate to these:
- Pulling up her picture on the internet and staring at it for minutes at a time, thinking I would get some kind of revelation or epiphany.
- Map-questing the route to her house and contemplating a drive by, thinking it would tell me what kind of person she was.
- Combing through Doug’s phone records and texts, and then creating a spread sheet outlining their day. (First they would text from 7:30-10:30, then a 20 minute phone call, back to texting, then meet for lunch. Etc.) I still don’t understand how this information was helpful to me.
- Color coding my date book and writing a description of calls and texts in case I needed a quick reference.
- Thinking that every blond actress, newsperson or lady on the street looked like her.
- Re-routing Doug miles out of our way so we wouldn’t have to drive by one of her advertisements.
- When I was alone I would drive by the advertising signs on a daily basis just to see if I could get a glimpse of her or see how successful she really was.
- On the flip side, I was often afraid to go to the mall, supermarket or other public places for fear I would run into her – even though I probably wouldn’t know who she was if I came face to face with her.
- Formulating a comparative list of my attributes compared to hers.
- Focusing way too much on her and allowing her to consume our marriage.
I really regret all the time and effort I spent on the OP after Doug’s emotional affair. I believe that if I would have let her go and stopped making her fantasy so important we would have healed so much faster. I allowed Doug’s fantasy of her to become mine and I believe I had a more difficult time letting go of the fantasy than Doug did.
I really haven’t figured out why, but I know I need to stop letting her get to me. She has been out of our lives for over two years and it is time to bury her and any memory that is associated with her. I know in all the healing and recovery I have accomplished since his emotional affair this is my last feat and I know I will conquer it and move on.
Here are some things that readers mentioned
Locating her on Facebook and looking at her picture or going through her friends list to see if anything was “new” or “different.” I accomplish nothing by looking at her picture except creating new fear and doubt in my heart.
It’s not so much the OW…I tell myself…it’s the lies, the complete deceit that floors me still…6 months from D-Day… So it is not the OW I am comparing myself to, it’s how mentally sick & temporarily insane my husband became when he thought ‘that’ was possibly a better life for him…with someone who didn’t even respect herself by being with a married man living at home with his wife & 3 kids.
Sometimes I think I was more obsessed with the guy than she was! One of the dumb things I did was to find out as much junk as I could about him, so that I could tell my wife about how awful he was. That didn’t work so well!
Going thru the phone bills meant knowing the truth, once I knew the truth I could better process it. I know now I have to trust my gut instinct.
Creating fictitious email accounts to send her messages about how everyone knows what a tramp she is. (I did this even against my own good judgment). Then I’d wait two or three days, felt remorse, and then deleted the accounts. Never saw a response from her, which is just as well, maybe my emails ended up in junk.
Creating a fictitious Facebook page to gain access to her page, which I did successfully. Aside from checking out the page several times, I did nothing, eventually, I deleted the account.
Speaking to a psychic! She really worked me up, telling me that my husband was in extreme danger, that she could ruin him, etc. I had to stop calling the psychic, she was causing me added anxiety.
Honestly, if I had not pushed, fact checked, and eventually started trusting my own instincts, I do not know that he would ever have told me the whole truth – or even faced it himself…I know we would have never have healed because the lies would have continued to fester!! So, we are actually closer and happier than we were for several years before the affair. I am not bothered by triggers often, and having info about her popping up on a friend’s Facebook doesn’t bother me anymore. I actually have more trouble with the lies than with her. I have actually no regrets about the obsessing and investigating – it gave me a focus when I desperately needed one and it led me to the truth.
Once again, please share your experiences and add any of your own “stupid” things you did after the affair in the comment section below the post. Thanks!