Today we have another wonderful, thought provoking and inspirational letter from a long-time reader, Battleborn.

I am a betrayed spouse (BS), not because I want to be but due to my husband’s desire.  I made a decision when Dday came that we would not separate; we would stand our ground and fight for this 20-year relationship.  My story is not much different from the other BS, the basics are all there; the affair, the discovery, the endless emotions, only the personal aspects are different.

I found out about my new status the end of January 2011.  I also found out that my father had cancer.  My anniversary was the following week, Valentine’s Day came and went then I returned back to my father who passed away the 6th of March.  The evening my father passed away, my mother was admitted to the ICU with pneumonia because she was taking care of my father instead of herself.

My resentment and anger did not come from the discovery, it was from the aspect that not only did my husband have an affair but also I was not allowed the time to process it, I had other priorities.  In the middle of April, I thought I finally had time to sit and think; sit and decide what or how to work on us.  However, my Mom went into the hospital for lung cancer surgery.  Once again, I felt robbed of my solitude.  I was turning into something that I did not recognize I was the enemy to not only family but also my friends and myself.  I am bi-polar with acute depression.  I acknowledge that I have mental issues and I was trying to maintain what semblance of sanity I had left but even this left me drained and unable to grasp reality.  The proverbial, “Why me, why now?” hit with a vengeance.  Can the good Lord see that I could not handle anymore?

We made strides forward and we made steps back but we always seemed to be at least one-step ahead.  I started both individual and marriage counseling.  My husband came as I saw fit.  He came willing at first then as I began to rage on with all my issues, he was less sure he wanted to go; he did, he endured.  He did it because he loves me.

As I move through the thorns of this affair, I have had all the same issues as others, so I gloss over them.  I am older than my husband is; she (the OW) is 18 years my junior.  She is vibrant, young, fun and free; no restrictions whereas I have a child, I am less defined, and the young fun has long gone from this body.  She is beautiful and I am pretty, I have always been pretty.  I wonder if I really wanted to be beautiful.  I have self-image problems and she did not.  How was I to compete with that?  I decided that I cannot and so why try and I move on.

Here it is nineteen months later and I have made some discoveries.  I spent the last few days in the hospital with an angry rash from head to toe; swollen to the point I could not wear my wedding rings.  I was not a pretty sight, even to my child who did not want to hug me goodbye in the hospital room.  How horrible I must look to my husband when I could not even recognize myself in the mirror.  But yet, he never wavered; he always gave me a hug and kiss when he came to see me and before he left, and always told me he loved me no matter what.  He sat there with me as I was in and out of my drug-induced stupor; as I cried because I hurt, and listened to me bitch and complain when it was apparent I was recovering.  He was there with me.  He was there because he wanted to be, not because he had to be.  He chose me, rash and any other warts I have.

I am at home typing this letter to whomever wants to read it and as I do, I am filled with the sense that all will be good, not perfect, but good.  The moral of my story is that it is not the superficial things that I needed to focus on all along, it was the deep down feelings.  It was the core of our relationship, what brought us together in the first place, what kept us together for the eighteen years before the affair.  That is my focus and I am at peace with that.

I had to go through so many personal problems to see that life does go on it has to, there is no alternative.  There are no shortcuts through this misery but there is an end and it is up to individual to decide how to end it.  I believe, no strike that, I know that I made the right decision for me, for us.  I make this promise to you, there is no right or wrong, there is no stop or go, it is either yes or no.  Yes, you try to make it work, or no, you do not.  The outcome is up to the both of you.

As I end, I know.  The journey is not easy and I am aware, as is he, I will stumble along the way as we rebuild our relationship, our marriage, but I also know that he will be there holding my hand and pulling out the thorns as I gather them.   So out of misery comes love…


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    32 replies to "Out of Misery Comes Love"

    • livingonafence

      very nice letter. Seeing you realize that there are feelings there is wonderful. thanks for sharing this with us.

    • Hopeful

      thank you for the letter. i certainly feel that from the hell of this past year has emerged the sweetest love and a depth of self-knowledge and strength that may not have been otherwise possible. i hate to put it that way because i don’t think one must do this to their partner and go down these roads to gain self-awareness, but…since we did…i’m sure glad there was a favorable outcome.

    • Gizfield

      That is a beautiful letter, Battle born. It sounds like you two have moved past the superficial, external love idea and gotten to the REAL thing. Any of us could find someone to be there for the good, easy times and who will call, text, buy you trinkets, have a physical relationship, wail about how much they “love” you, etc. The real test is when things aren’t going well and finding the person who WILL BE THERE FOR YOU. those are the ones who are hard to find. My parents were married 42 years, never did anything “romantic” but they were the center of each others’s world. If either was sick, the other was just broken down by it. after he died, she would never even consider another relationship. They died less than a year apart.

    • jewel

      my post today isn’t anything to do with this letter. I just need some help/input. I’m a year plus from D-Day, and about 6 months from last contact. the OW is in town and it has brought up some discussion. My H said last night that he feels like a bad husband. when i asked why, he said that he can’t help but think of her and that he still wants to talk to her. so in my wise mind, i calmly supported him in that we can’t control our thought necessarily, we have to have these emotion, thoughts etc come, feel them, look at them, and let them pass, all that psycho babble bullshit that i have been working on for the past year. but this morning i work up early and just couldn’t hold back the tears and i’m teary all day. He said to me that he loves me that he knows it isn’t fair to me, that he should direct all his attention towards me. but the reaction i get to my emotionality is that he’s almost impatient with me. he says that he didnt’ tell me that to worry me or make me fret, but to keep the lines of communication open.. I’m glad for that, don’t get me wrong, but I just feel so set back. and sad, god the sadness! and all the old feelings of inadequetcy, the thoughts of what kind of connection does he have with her that he can’t have with me? Does anyone have any insight? Please help, i’m in despair.
      Peace and love to you all, my brothers and sisters…if only we could be on here for another reason.

      • Natalia

        Jewel, you have the right to feel the way you do. It’s a very normal reaction. And he should not be impatient with you. The fact that he told says a lot about him, in the sense that he wants to move forward and is thinking about you and what is right. Tell him that you appreciate his honesty but that he needs to continue to prove to you that you are more important than anyone else. The only way to prove it is to NOT, ever, meet with the OW again. That would be a major setback for him and your relationship. NO CONTACT is essential in repairing your relationship which has suffered enough already. What’s wrong with him? Hasn’t he learned from his mistakes? Does he realize he hurt you deeply? Why would he say that he can’t help thinking about her and wants to still talk to her? Because the mere thought that she is in town has stirred up old feelings in him. He needs to be strong, concentrate on you and avoid all temptation. If he doesn’t see her, he won’t think about her. All he’ll have in his mind are old memories which in time will fade away. But if he sees her he’ll start creating new memories and they will hurt your relationship beyond repair. You need to be firm and tell him that under no circumstance is he to see her unless he takes you with him and you both confront her. Also, if you’re both working on your relationship there is no room for another person. Sorry if I sound harsh, but you sound so fragile and he sounds like he’s testing you. Like if he wants to have his cake and eat it to. Take care and be strong.

      • Anita

        Even though you chose to stay with him, and tried to make this work over a year ago, he still hasn’t resolved this in his
        own mind.
        Do you have the strenght to keep going in this relationship,
        even though he’s telling you, he still thinks about this other
        woman and wants to talk to her?
        Its up to you to decide what to do.

        • Anita

          Your husband is being honest with you, unfortunately it’s
          painful to hear that he still thinks about the other woman and still wants to talk to her. What should you do? I guess
          that is something for you to decide.
          You can encourage him to stay faithful to you, or you can show him the door. At some point when you have had enough of his wanting another woman you’ll show him the door, or you remain there and take it. Will he change?
          Can you trust him? You decide how much you can tolerate
          to in order to save your marriage. Will he come around and value you and your marriage someday? Or will he
          still long for this other woman?
          I know this seems harsh however, you need to address
          these questions so in another 6 months from now you not
          dealing with this again.

          • Anita

            I was once a former betrayed spouse myself, and I know
            your heartache.
            However you need to remember that your also making the
            choice to stay with him, by doing that you know that he has
            history of cheating. Now that its more than a year later your
            still dealing with him thinking and wanting to talk with this other woman. If you decide to remain with him then what
            he’s doing and saying shouldn’t be a surprise to you.
            I understand you love him, however him wanting to talk
            to this other woman shows that he’s got his mind on her.
            I agree with giving secong chances, however that also means, the affair is over and the cheating spouse has
            recommitted to making the marraige work. That means
            the desire for the other woman/man is no longer there.
            Being your husband is having trouble with this, it shows
            big red flags. However it your choice, if your stay then anything he does shouldn’t be a surprise. Sorry, I know
            this is harsh, however you have choices also.

      • Recovering


        It is soooo okay to feel how you do! And I TOTALLY understand! The OW, who left the workplace for another job, came back to my husband’s workplace almost a month ago. He doesn’t have to work with her directly, but I stress about it daily. He tells me when he has to email her for some business reason, or if he even SEES her at work. He is leaving that job in a week, solely because she came back. He is taking a pay cut, but it is worth it. Now, you would think with the communication open and him going to another job that I would feel secure and not upset that she is back. That is NOT the case. He lied to me and cheated. I will NEVER know if he is telling the whole truth, and that he isn’t texting her or talking to her… I mean, I searched for proof for over a year of the cheating before I found it because he was good at covering his butt, and they say once they’re found out that they become even better at hiding things. This isn’t to say that our husbands are hiding things, or that they aren’t being honest. If they are, kudos to them for doing what they should’ve done all along and for bettering themselves as husbands now. This, for you and me, still hurts!! We want our marriages to work, and we want honesty, but that doesn’t mean that we are always going to be happy about what we find out. Of course he is thinking about her – he lived in fantasyland with her! She is all fake and make-believe to him still. However, this does NOT mean that he will get sucked back into the situation. You did the right thing by being supportive and not attacking him… now he knows he can talk to you, but HE has to understand that IT STILL HURTS that you have to deal with this at all!! It is completely and totally unfair to you that you have to even hear THAT kind of truth, even though it is best for you to hear it. It hurts… it will always hurt. You lost that idea that you were the only ones for each other – he got hung up on a lie while you were living in reality. Be supportive, but make sure he knows that it is NOT okay for him to contact her, and if he does all bets are off! Am sorry you are sad, honey! I know that I won’t be able to relax until my husband is in his new job… and maybe not even then for a little while as she knows his phone number and email and such – all of which I have access to, but… we have to try to trust a little if we are going to get past this, right?

      • Recovering


        Oh, I forgot… his impatience… my husband does that too. I think he should be more kind and understanding, just as you do. Unfortunately I think, and this is just going off of my own husband’s reaction, that they think that they are telling us the truth, which is what we want, and that we should be happy about that. They need their ego stroked for doing the right thing, now at least. They get frustrated because they ARE doing the right thing, but then we get upset and they start to think that no matter what they do it won’t be enough for us. That is partly true because they hurt us so bad and can’t take back what they did and the cheating will never go away. What your husband, and mine, need to understand is that IT HURTS that we even have to deal with ANY OF THIS MESS!! They didn’t ask us if we wanted a third wheel in our lives. We had no choice! Yes, they are doing the right thing NOW, but they did screw up, and their screw up will NEVER go away and it will take us more time to deal with it than it will ever take them. THEY didn’t get their lives destroyed. THEY had fun and loved every second of it up until they got caught and reality crashed on them. Your husband just needs to be reminded that though you appreciate his honesty, her being back brings the cheating right back to the present, and temporarily it will all be like it is new again. THIS IS NORMAL! All of those fears that he has worked to soothe have resurfaced. The scab has been ripped off! Tell him you need his patience now more than ever…. I can guarantee you he has NO idea how you are REALLY feeling about all of this…

      • livingonafence

        Oh brother. I may be the only one in this camp, but why on earth did he tell you that? If it’s a fleeting thought because she’s in town and the thought of her has entered his mind, why burden you with this? Yes, we all need honesty, but this is too much.
        If he is overwhelmed with the thought of her, you deserve to know so that you can decide if you want a marriage with a man that is obsessed with someone else. However, a passing thought? This could only hurt you and make you more paranoid than you already were because she was in town.

        I think he told you so he would be the great guy that is being honest and you’d heap praise on him. Instead it upset you and he isn’t getting what he hoped for so he’s impatient.

        Maybe I’m wrong, but something in the mind of the cheater LOVES attention so much that they will destory their own world for it. Why would this aspect of someone’s personality change simply because a behavior (cheating) has stopped?

    • tmc76

      Beautiful letter Battehorn, very inspirational!

      Jewel, I know exactly how that goes, CS confesses feelings to make themselves feel better, we are strong and make them feel better and then later their confession sinks in and so does the devastation. Let him vent but be firm that no matter what he’s feeling he cannot act on it. A wise person told me that he is not missing the OW but how she makes him feel! (thanks LOAF!). So sorry you’re going through this!

    • Patsy50

      Battlehorn, very well said.

    • Teresa

      Beautiful Battleborn….Beautiful!!! Made me get all teary eyed~sniff sniff~ So happy your H was there for you, right when you needed him!!
      Jewel, while I would appreciate my H’s honesty, I think at this point, your H needs some serious counseling!!!
      My H and I have been doing a lot of talking lately, and he said something to me that really surprised me!
      He said he doesn’t believe in the Affair Fog…he feels it selfishness, plain and simple…this coming from HIM, a cheater!!
      He said that he was selfish, thinking only of himself…before, during AND after the EA, and that’s why he didn’t do the things he needed to do to help me heal for months after DDay!
      Your H is being selfish…STILL!!! You need to realize that…selfish to the bone, and hes feeling sorry for himself and not you, after all hes done to you!

      • chiffchaff

        Jewel – Teresa is right, he’s just indulging himself in his fantasy still. I went through this same thing with my H 4 months after actual NC with the OW, he told me he still fantasized about leaving me for her and could barely stop himself from contacting her most days. It was then that I kicked him out, he was never going to work on our marriage while ever he felt like he could slip off into fantasy whenever he liked. Kicking him out seemed to make him wake up from the fantasy that he could stay married to me and have the illusion of ‘her’ at the same time. When the fantasy of having his cake and eating it was withdrawn he suddenly lost his taste for the cake. 3 months after that our marriage is alot better and he is more committed to our marriage (as well as being happier in himself generally).
        You have to decide what you can tolerate. I couldn’t tolerate the lack of commitment and the selfishness anymore. Your H is being selfish and self-indulgent. He has to wake up and smell the coffee about what he’s going to lose if he doesn’t get his head out of his ass.

      • Recovering

        My husband said the same thing – but he also said that he believed some things about our marriage that were completely false! He said he didn’t think that I loved him anymore, and that I didn’t care, and that I was only there because I was used to the lifestyle and didn’t really want HIM. Of course THAT was him making crap up to make what he was doing okay, and I don’t know if that is affair fog or not. I was thinking about something that he said to me about 7 months before I found out about and ended the 2 year cheating and it makes me more mad than anything… I picked him up, drunk as a skunk, from a bar when he was out drinking with his friends in December. I drove him home, pulled over when he puked, helped him into the house, and got him into bed. I didn’t rag him though I was more angry than I can express… As I am tucking the covers up under his chin, he says to me “You are the best wife ever.” So this wasn’t some drunken blabbing to the OW, obviously because SHE was the whore, NOT the wife… yet he continued to see the whore until I found out about them on June 10th. What the hell is wrong with this men? He didn’t believe that I was so horrible, yet when I found out about them he acted like I was soooo awful while he was with the whore, and that he was soooo miserable with me. Cheating is evil and sick, and that is what my husband was. She was a whore who threw herself at him, and he got off on the ego trip! I asked him not too long ago what was so different between now and when he was “soooo miserable” about me… he couldn’t even tell me, because now he is “so happy and loves our life” and I am the same person that I used to be (though not quite as happy). I haven’t changed… They are sick men who need a REALLY hard smack up side their heads!!!!

    • tsd

      Battle born that letter was beautiful. I see you as a strong beautiful not pretty woman, and I see your husband as a man who loves you for same reasons he fell in love with you…this is a success story, and we got to witness it…thank you so much for sharing….

    • Gizfield

      Chiff Chaff , I agree, they really like the”fantasy” of the other person. The “reality”, eh, not so much. I, too, had to kick my husband out. You would think they would be happy since they have all their time to pursue Dream Woman but they seem to spend that time chasing after their spouse , trying to come back home. Hmmm, why is that? Because they know their fantasy is indeed bull shit, pardon my french.

    • chiffchaff

      Kicking him out was very much the last resort I might add and I knew and accepted that he may just go to the OW after all, but that would’ve been better than the continuation of horrible indecision and constant comparison of our life and the fantastic life he would have with her.

      It’s one of my continuing questions really, why, when he had the option to contact her and start this ‘fantastic’ new life with her when I kicked him out, did he instantly change his mind and want to stay? I will never understand why it had to go that far.

      I agree Gizfield – I think alot of CSs know deep down that their affair is utter fantasy and it becomes less appealing to them when it’s brought out into the light and all the consequences they avoided thinking about come crashing in like a massive tsunami.

      Battleborn’s story is inspirational indeed as well as candid.

      • Recovering


        He realized AFTER you kicked him out that you weren’t gonna let him have his cake and eat it too… and he wanted his cake! Stupid men! Okay, so I have become a man-hater, despite loving my husband. I mean, DUH! But I guess I can say the same about women… the OW in my situation had the nerve to call my husband an “[email protected]#hole” when he told her that he loved his wife and dumped her butt! Really? REALLY?? Like he was ever anything else with her and she is just NOW seing what a jerk he was? A liar and a cheater, but yet she judges him for doing the RIGHT thing! Stupid! I haven’t figured out yet what is wrong with all of these people that cheat… and I am sure I never will because that would mean a logical REAL answer instead of them just being sick people… am hoping my husband, and yours, will keep their heads out of their butts and keep them in the REAL world from now on!!! Good for you for kicking him out!!! I do hope things work out now that he seems to be back at your door!!

    • Gizfield

      If you think your cheating spouse is delusional, try talking to the other Woman. I recommend”confronting” her for no other reason than to see what you are dealing with. Lets the husband see more about her as well. She supposedly had no interest in my husband, but continuously called, texted, emailed, etc. I know this cause I monitored his phone and email a couple of months without him knowing. I called her, she called me every kind of tramp, c## t, whore, etc. you can think of, insulted me about my age, weight, house cleaning skills. Said she HATED me, and was gonna know my teeth down my throat. Oh, well, I told the bitch to bring it, but she didnt. I actually think these bitches are jealous of the wives. I mean, even as pathetic as we supposed ly are, they are not worth leaving for .must be pretty frustrating I would think. Why on earth should this chick hate me??? Seriously delusional, in my opinion.

      • chiffchaff

        I’m sure that’s true about the OW’s being delusional too. I saw the last emails from the OW to my H where she talked about him ‘setting himself free of those who would control his life’ which I found a bit weird. He explained this to me that she had told him once that her brother’s first wife had been controlling and stopped him seeing his family and that I was doing the same. Despite her not knowing a thing about me or our marriage. It wasn’t that her brother had, as an adult, willingly allowed his wife to control him if that was the case, which it probably wasn’t. The OW was someone who thought she was someone really special simply because people asked her directions in the street for goodness sake. A seriously delusional person just for that alone, and as my H had also agreed with her on that and decided he too was special for that reason he was right up her delusional street at the time.

    • Paula

      You know, I’ve been trying to make an active decision not to come to this site anymore, it’s hard, as it has been my support for a long time now, thank you all! I broke my rule and popped in today to see this post, and it just broke my heart, kind of in a good way, if that makes sense! Battleborn, thank you for this, thank you for the title. This is the story so many of us know so well. My story has thus far been so similar, but after two separations in three years, I finally made the call to separate – again – in March of this year. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, leave a man who was so willing to do the work, and is so upset with himself for not being able to make me feel better (only I can do that, btw) but mostly, for getting himself into such a state that the affair happened in the first place. We are still close, he is still my best friend. He says he loves me more now than ever, and he doesn’t understand why, I know I still love him, always have, he’s been my one and only, we thought we had it all. We talk often, we still have two children at home. Leaving a good man who did a bad thing, seems so counter-productive after all the work we have done, but I just couldn’t see a way where this didn’t run my life. It still runs my life, and I am pushing and pushing through this. I don’t think I will ever have proper peace again, like I did for the first 42 years of my life, but I will survive, I will continue to be a good friend, employee, student, business person, most importantly, mother, a contributing member of society. But it is much harder now. I STILL don’t know why some people don’t understand BEFORE embarking on an affair that this will ruin people’s lives. I knew, I’d seen it so many times. Some people don’t learn by watching, I guess, they learn by doing, shame that.

      • Broken2

        Paula…I was just wondering since you obviously love your husband very much, and he you, he is doing all he can to make it right then what makes you think if you aren’t with him all of the pain and hurt wont be there and its a better choice? It sounds to me and of course I could be way off base…that you decided to seperate because it is to much for you to live with but how is it different apart? If its harder then why not work on the marriage?? Just wondering.

        Battleborn…thank you for sharing….

        • Paula

          Broken2, excellent point. I have been working on this relationship (since 15 month PA – with one of my oldest friends [32 years of friendship] who turned out to be a nasty, vindictive beyatch, and who has been even more destructive after the affair was over than during) for 3 years and 2 months now, so much self education, counselling, blah, blah, blah, gave it my all, but there are some MAJOR sexual problems now, after two years of AMAZING sex, it disappeared entirely – ie, I have nil ability to do this anymore, no desire for anyone, or anything, lo l- and I felt I needed to let him go, as my nightmares, lack of sleep and feeling of being completely out of control of my own life made me want to grab the horse by the reins, and reclaim me. I just seemed to not be getting better with time, but worse. He’s taking some shaking off, though, as he really wants it to be okay, bless him. Why didn’t he value me then? Too obvious, but I don’t know how to heal anymore. Just one day at a time….

    • monie

      Battleborn, I feel so in tune with you. My struggles did not involve my parents illness nor their deaths, my condolences to you, that you were able to cope in anyway with the most difficult of situations whilst trying to survive the devastion of an affair is a reflection of what a strong, strong amazing woman you really must be. After the PA I struggled with working (and even getting there because I was too afraid to leave my H at home when the OW lives 200mtr from us for fear they would reconnect), completing a correspondence course with an unrealistic deadline, continue ferrying my children to cycling training and local competitions 3-4 times a week, then every second weekend away for state ot national events and trying to keep on top of the nutrition needed for their bodies to enable them to be as healthy as they could.
      I have suffered medically colylitis, depression and a number of skin irritations which is my bodies way of dealing with the stress. Some of these skin problems could see me look like the elephant woman when my eyes and face swelled up and sores appeared in and under my nose for weeks. My hands and feet had little white blisters all over which were very itchy and peeled and left scars (funny how I had these for the 3 yrs the PA was going on behind my back and that the OW’s H also had a similar type of thing).
      Now I have lesions on the front and back of my neck, shoulders and my back which is Lupis. I get dizzy spells and have trouble focussing to drive, which is terrible because I have to drive 1 hour each way to most of my clients.
      It has been 15 mths since D-Day and we have moved mountains since then. We have been trying to get finance to build our house on our block which is away from here (and the OW), but after 10mths and pre-approval it has fallen thru yesterday. Wow, the anger that I felt that I was not in control of my destiny (and a lot of self pity and blaming) and had to endure living near the OW nearly saw me have a nervous breakdown yesterday. Today we are clutching our last finance straw, and if it is not to be then my H said we will move from here and rent somewhere before the end of next month. I am sure that whether we move to be in our own home (which would see us still staying put for another 4mths whilst it gets built) or moving somewhere else to rent that my health will get better and that the Lupis legions will go back into remission.
      My husband is my rock, my knight in shining armour, but it will always be that he was someone else’s as well. He regrets everything about his PA, how it divided and conquered friendships, family and us. He is bending over backwards to fix our marriage and our family and I am along for the ride. Until we physically move, I will remain the wife with the scars internally/externally, the sad face, unmotivated, selfishly langouring life. Oh how I wish I had a fairy godmother that could wave her wand and we would be gone to our new home, my scars internally/externally would disappear, my happiness (like pre PA) would be infectious and I can be motivated to enjoy my gardening and photography of birdlife, and we will live happily ever after……………

      • Battleborn

        I am so sorry Monie. It sounds as though you have put through the wringer so to speak. I can’t help but believe you will get through this… I did. I did find that my H is my love via my misery, but that is not to say he is off the hook. I don’t believe that you need a fairy godmother, you just need to believe in yourself. You have made it this far and you can continue…
        It does seem sad though, that the BS is usually the one who gets the illnesses. It is a direct correlation to us not taking care of ourselves. Please continue to take care of yourself and get better.

        • monie

          You have such clarity, I have not looked after my self of late and therefore have a lack of self confidence (again) I know I will get this back and my goal is to be gone from here before I can start to totally immense myself in life again! Today my H took the youngest daughter away ( 5 hours drive) for the weekend of state cycling, whilst I stayed home and worked which means now I am spending the weekend my older daughter who has assignments for her HSC (18 yrs old next month and too scared to stay at home but that could have something to do with the OW’s H stalking down here all the time so I do not blame her). The fairy godmother wish for me also has the added benefit that my kids do not suffer anymore from this event.
          Fingers crossed for the loan approval and all will be right!

          • Battleborn

            Monie, My clarity comes with age and time. I am much further along than you are in this journey and it took so much exploring before I came to any of my conclusions. I am unconventional perhaps because I am not the yelling and screaming type so I did not go through a lot of what everyone else did. That is not to say I didn’t let him know who was driving the cart… he knew and knows.

            Regardless, I only post when I think I can help someone out. You seem to be on the brink of overcoming your troubles and I wanted to let you know there is a bright side to finding yourself again. It’s called peace. If you can accept yourself and that know you are doing everything within your power to make yourself better, the rest of it will come… or won’t, but by then you will have an answer to your problems.

            If your fair godmother comes along, which I hope she does, make sure she puts in a little extra special something for yourself.

    • Gizfield

      Paula, I’m not sure of your age, but have you considered seeing a doctor about this? The reason I ask is, I am 53 years old and reached menopause a couple of years ago. For a while I was kind of overrun with sexual thoughts, kind of like a teenager. That went away and now I’m fairly “normal” again. I believe all that was hormonal. Also, you may have been on an infatuation phase, I hear that lasts about 2 years. I like sex well enough but in relationships it can really mess you up if you put too much emphasis on it, good or bad. I know it had kept me in relationships I would have left long before in the pastand I dont plan to let that happen again.

      • Paula

        Damn, back again! Gizfield, I’ve just turned 44, it’s not menopausal, it’s all about my mind, my past rape, the details I know, and those (much worse) I imagine, of them together sexually, and her violently raping me. I have always had a VERY healthy sex drive – we made love most days, sometimes multiple times, even after 23 years together. I am terrified of sex or being touched by anyone now – remembering to hug my kids is on my to do list – as I forget, and it no longer comes naturally – teens don’t make it easy at the est of times, lol! Much counselling has not any any impact on this yet. Yes, there was an infatuation phase – we were both aware of it, and expecting it to stop. I have never had sex with anyone else, so I can’t comment on your last point about the empahsis on sex being too great, I don’t believe it was for us – sex was very organic, no “trying” required, we were very lucky!

    • Gizfield

      I’m with you, Loaf, what on earth is Jewel’s husband thinking? I know my husband wouldn’t admit this, even if he did think it. that is just stupid. One thing I hsve told him repeatedly is that I’m not “competing” with another woman for my husband and that if he has feelings for someone else along those lines he needs to move along. If I were in Jewel’s situation, his crap would probably be flying out the door, accompanied by loud profanities, and followed by him. I tend to be kinda reactionary, though, lol. And yes, there is no limit to the levels of immaturity that Cheaters wil l sink to, my former self included.

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