Monday was the day that I have been dreading for about 3 months.  It was back to school day.  I have informed Doug that I am finished being his summertime mistress and I will have to return back to my role as his wife.   Unfortunately, I have realized that I no longer have the time and energy to continue our affair as well as maintain the responsibilities of being a responsible wife, mother and teacher.

This news is as upsetting to me as it is for Doug.  I enjoyed being his mistress.  It came with many benefits like long intimate lunches and dinners, lots of leisure and relaxation and lots of spontaneous sex.  However, it was beginning to take a toll on me as trying to keep up with both roles had begun to stress me out and everything around me  seemed in disarray.

I have realized that being his mistress had caused me to neglect many other aspects of my life – my job, the home, our children, etc.  It’s not like it’s not a lot of fun being selfish and totally into my affair partner, but it is also a huge amount of work keeping up with these roles.

Maybe it would have been easier if Doug wasn’t my affair partner, so then he could take on all of my responsibilities at home (just like most betrayed spouses do) and I could focus on my role as mistress, since this role does take some time and effort.  As a mistress I always had to look good.  This meant showered, shaved, trimmed, perfect hair, makeup on while wearing matching bra and undies (this all takes a lot of time).   Also I had to appear fun, spontaneous, available and understanding (hard to keep up 24/7).

See also  Improving Your Sex Life After the Affair

I didn’t have anyone else at home to take out all of my frustrations and anger because my affair partner was always around.  I couldn’t hide in my office and daydream or rest.  I felt like I had to be perfect every minute of the day.  No one could keep up that kind of perfection for a long period of time – at least not in a real, committed relationship.

I have resigned myself for now to just being his wife, as well as a teacher, housekeeper, chaperone, etc.  However, this time around (after d-day) Doug has pitched in and done everything to make my life less stressful and easier.  Because of this I have found that I can play the role of wife and playmate a little easier.  It definitely takes an equal partnership and tons of communication to balance everything in our lives.  That being said, I will eagerly await for our affair to start again next summer!

    30 replies to "Our Summertime Affair Is Over"

    • Holding On

      Anyone else have a hard time reading this?

      I told my husband last night that he can’t joke about me not being his wife or pretending not to know me (Like swimming at the pool with the kids and he says to one of them, “Who is this pretty lady you are with? ” like he is picking me up.) or say things like “You want to make love”? I say yes. “To ME?” Like I want to make love to other men.

      I told him maybe in a year or two. But those kinds of talk hurt too much now. and my mind goes to his infidelity. I know he is joking, but I’m not ready for the joking. (I’m 2 months out from D-Day.)

      • Keri

        I understand completely ‘holding on’. I am also 2 months out and every show, commercial or song reminds me of him and what he did. One day I am ready to leave him and the next I can’t imagine starting over. SOmetimes I am the one to try and make a joke out of what he did, more of a sarcastic way of my dealing with it I suppose. But, there is no way I could pretend to be his mistress etc….Why are the betrayed spouses doing all the work here? Why doesn’t he be the Mr. Mistress (lol) and make me feel good? Mine certainly hasn’t tried to make his looks any better, his attitude any better. The farthest I will go is to look good for ME, not for him to reap any benefits from it. I know I am angry right now but I feel the same as you, if he pretended he didn’t know me right now or tried to pretend I was someone else it would just kill me more.

        • Gina

          That’s exactly what I was thinking Keri. Why do the loyal spouses have to pretend. This concept is warped!

    • Anon

      HoldingOn, yes .. me too. And this post comes at an interesting time for me as I just returned home from a vacation with my husband. As we were flying home I almost felt sick with the thought that it feels as though I was his affair partner while we were away … we had good times, forgot our troubles, pretended there were no difficult issues in our lives to face, and plenty of saucy sex. But then we fly home and reality hits us once again.

      No question about it. I feel like I was his affair partner for a week. His whore. I wanna puke.

    • DJ

      I smiled as I read the comments above because I was thinking exactly the same thing as everyone else as I read Linda’s post today. I have no desire to be thought of as an affair partner or to have an affair with my husband. Maybe I need another year to get to that point like Linda, but I’m not there now. I get all queasy thinking about it, just like Anon said.

    • Notoverit

      I agree that I would not want to play the role of mistress. But I think I am getting the gist of what you were writing about, Linda. In a subtle way you were saying that the face of the mistress (how she looks, how she acts etc.) is not the real face of a committed relationship. A committed relationship comes with the baggage of kids, home, work, laundry, sickness and, if you have time, being a lover and friend to your spouse. I think that last part, in our busy lives, is where we all (including the CS) fall down. We reserve so little time for ourselves. We don’t remember to be that lover and spouse, especially when we’re too tired to even move. The CS just jumps ship a little earlier because he/she is weak. Linda, your statement that you neglected your kids. job and home in order to be this mistress is very telling for all of us. You can’t be one thing to the exclusion of others – that is life. The CS only got the mistress part in the EA or the PA. With us, the betrayed, you have it all; the work, the kids and the love.

      I would never play the mistress part. What Keri said is true – where is my pool boy or cabana boy? I might like to see that out of the CS (LOL). After all, I am not here to compete with the OW. Maybe the CS should be bolstering me. Maybe he should act the “mistress” part, only for me, in order to show me that I am still desirable, pretty and loved. Nope, no way does he get another mistress!

      • Doug

        Notoverit, I think that you have nailed the thought behind Linda’s post. It was not so much about having to be a mistress in your own marriage as it was about what you described. That and the fact that we had a great summer and now it’s time to go back to work and “real life” for her starts up again.

    • Roller coaster rider

      I am also not able to buy into the term affair partner as applied to my marriage, and have felt at times like Anon, that playing the hooker role is just nauseating. It should never have come to this, not for any of us.

    • Candace

      My husband & I have been going through something similiar to Linda this past summer. However, it has been a two way street, I cannot say we “pretend” to be mistress/cabana boy but we have had so much fun. I have to venture to say that the sex/love has been at it’s best in the 28 years we have been together. I have lately wondered how long this will last, when “reality” will return. Our marriage is far from “fixed” but we have been working very hard at it. With school starting & my contact with the OW will increase will be certain to trigger some bad times for me. But for now I am going to proceed as we have been as it seems to be working.

    • DazedandConfused

      I have also been enjoying great sex and lots of closeness. I love it, and I feel confident of his love. However, there is still an underlying sadness that I just can’t seem to shake. Today a friend (who did not know about his affair) said H and I are so amazing together and that she wished she and her husband had what we have. I told my H it was bittersweet for me, and he got annoyed with me – said “Why can’t you just enjoy it and feel good about where we are?” I wish I could, but I can’t seem to put the past in the past 100%…wonder if I will ever be happy without thinking of the huge price we paid to get where we are now. We have been married almost 30 years, H had EA and brief PA with an old high school girlfriend he reconnected with on Facebook. Dday 1 was 4/2010 (after PA was over since we had moved 2000 miles away), Dday 2 was 10/2010 (discovered secret cell phone) and Dday 3 was 1/2011, when he finally stopped contact with her. He says he is over it and that it seems like ancient history to him. Unfortunately, not a day goes by that I don’t think about it. Sigh…

    • reneenjersey

      I (apparently in contrast to many others) loved this post!!! My husband and I have been in a very similar situation lately. It has really helped us to come back to the closeness we once shared. It has been great! Perhaps it’s only temporary? That is yet to be seen but it has definitely been working and I am up for most anything that brings us back to where we were prior to.

      Does it make me feel like I am pretending to be my own husband’s mistress, NO? This is something that is simply bringing us back to where we were before someone came between us.

    • Kristine

      I get where you were going with this Linda – the fact that you were able to concentrate solely on Doug and your marriage and let the other things fall to the side is what it must be like when you’re in an affair. I liked the comparison and I liked how your thought process works. I know you weren’t CALLING yourself a mistress and you weren’t trying to mentally ACT like one but that’s what you could equate it to looking back over the summer. I totally agree that’s what it’s like. My husband and I were in that “honeymoon” phase for about 6-8 months after he returned home. I LOVED IT! I want it to keep going in some ways because I’m a die-hard romantic and i LOVE passion! I loved all the spontaneous love making! I loved all the attention! I loved getting all dolled up because we have somewhere to go or because I didn’t know what was on the agenda. I felt adored and I loved the connection, we were texting each other all the time, touching each other as we walked past one another in the house *but* it really DOES take a toll on other things. I know in those months I constantly had a basket of clothes that needed to be washed. No I take that back, BASKETS! When our kids went to visit grandparents it was like we couldn’t get them out of the house fast enough, we just wanted to be ALONE. Our refrigerator was always empty because we went out so much. I was always shopping for lingerie and tiny panties. It was lovely, it was like dating all over again with my husband. I really enjoyed that time and I certainly didn’t feel like his mistress, I was his WIFE but I really did/do love live for those moments. It emotionally bonded us to one another again and recreated emotional and mental intimacy that had been missing for a while due to life – which yes, can’t be avoided and shouldn’t be avoided to really life a full life but now that I’ve experienced it again, I want to make sure to always keep those embers alive, not just for him but for me too because I truly am in love with my husband and I love being loved by him and loving him with my all in return.

      Holding On, I wouldn’t like that either and I am 1yr and 5m out from D-Day. It’s could be your husband’s attempt to try to flirt with you but I bet he doesn’t recognize how it reminds you of his indiscretions. Once my husband said to me, “you are my favorite girl” shortly after returning home. The color must’ve drained from my face lol I know that’s not what he meant but that’s what I heard. I bet I’ll never hear that phrase again LOL

    • Anita

      Your husband’s affair happened a while back, you forgave him and that means putting it all behind you, including other woman. You trust your husband now and know that he WOULD NEVER cheat on you again, despite his past history. You are the wife, mother and homemaker. Now its time for you to do be able things that enchance your own personal growth, that completments you your children and husband. God gave you life so you could be a blessing to others, and its time for both you and your husband to grow past all this, and do choices that give life and something for your children to be proud of.

    • Paula

      Whilst understanding the upset that this concept has caused to some here, I totally get the idea, it’s nice to have some alone time, to reconnect emotionally and physically, good for you guys Doug and Linda. I think it is just a freshen up, a reminder of the way you felt when first in love, what you both deserve. I think that some here only a few months out from D-Day are still very raw, and this seems like a competition to them (with the OP, it’s not) it was just a lovely, relaxing summer, with some of the responsibilities lessened for a while, how nice 🙂 Glad you enjoyed yourselves!

      Dazedandconfused, we are the same, our friends (some of whom know) think we are great, the ones who know think we’re healed 100%, but I still hurt and fear quite deeply, but that doesn’t mean we don’t still get on like a house on fire, we always were the connected and close, fun couple, they all couldn’t believe he did it, and now they’ve just all forgotten it and think it was just a blip on the radar, but it wasn’t for me, but I have to live a life,work, care for kids, clean, cook, etc, and I don’t let anyone other than my OH know that I still feel a lot of pain, because it is so boring, for me, but especially for them, no one wants to see their friend in constant pain, it just seems like a drag, so after a while, I just covered it up in public.

      • roller coaster rider

        Paula, you’re right, it’s just the words “Affair Partner” that I guess will get me riled up no matter the concept. I do understand the need for time together, and how hard it can be to have the fun, “just us” kind of relationship when there are children to be cared for and even the normal, routine jobs to be dealt with. I also believe that married love must evolve and adapt, that mature love will weather storms of many kinds. I am now looking for a new love with a new guy (although he still bears a strong resemblance to the old one). We need healthy and happy choices now. My fingers are crossed (but more than anything, really, I am praying and trusting in One who loves us both and has the power to make changes and fix things that are so deep and so confusing and so painful, that til now we’ve avoided them.) It’s time for change.

    • Anon

      Linda wrote:
      “As a mistress I always had to look good. This meant showered, shaved, trimmed, perfect hair, makeup on while wearing matching bra and undies (this all takes a lot of time). Also I had to appear fun, spontaneous, available and understanding (hard to keep up 24/7).”

      I can’t help but notice the “I had to always look good” and “I had to appear fun, spontaneous …” and then later “trying to keep up with both roles had begun to stress me out”.

      You may have omitted part of the story, so I’ll ask … what were Doug’s efforts to make this “affair” exciting and enjoyable for you? And was he stressed out as well? Did he make the same effort to be perfectly trimmed and dressed for you? Did he don sexy underwear? Or arrange romantic music and candles for you?

      Your story as you’ve told it seems very lopsided to me, with you making big efforts to make Doug happy. If it truly wasn’t lopsided, I’d like to hear the other side.

    • Standing in Atlanta

      I have been reading and attempting to make sense of everything I have experienced, learning so very much from this blog for longer than I can remember. I want to applaud the both of you as well as you’re insightful and generous readers/contributors, I will elaborate on these feelings later. My path has involved a huge MLC (Midlife Crisis), an extended EA, an extended PA, chronic womanizing and a blatant interlude with my oldest friend (maid of honor) and finally eighteen months of us trying to move on with our marriage. We both are seeing therapists and working our hind ends off for ‘us’ and our lovely family, including three young men. I have not written anything until now, but know that there is nothing within this site that has not been read at least once and again by me. Why do I throw my story in now? I am finding myself better able to accept my voice and acknowledge my trial. I am making progress in getting my life, our life, back in order. I am standing, the process, and know that in the ‘end’ it may not be what I now imagine it to be.
      When the bomb hit, it came incrementally at first, then the BIG ONE. The pieces started falling into place, it all came together and made me crazy. I seriously lost my cookies, those twelve months were the ride of a lifetime. I thought it would get better, as fast as it all had revealed itself. Wrong! I started looking for books, groups, support systems other than friends and family to manage my boundaries. Every person’s story shared here, your blogs that I have read many times, are as if they are my story. I cannot express how much it helps that others know what I am feeling. To some degree, why I am feeling this way, that this is a shared (unfortunately) experience, that is more common than it deserves to be. It is not a walk that can be made without empathy, that others of you can touch it, with understanding, and that I can touch you back with empathy and knowing. That it will be better one day, that we can look back and find some way to smile about this trial we are living.
      May 27th of this year I logged on like any other “normal’ day and saw the links Doug posted about MLC and infidelity. Those links changed me to my toes. I find myself optimized with the Midlife Crisis for Those Left Behind and Emotional Affair Journey websites; they go hand-an-hand for me, each complementing the other. I looked at the other links Doug put up, they are all exceptional and should be ‘mandatory reading’ for every one. Rollercoasterrider has dedicated herself to the MLC concept and its role in affairs. She has put so much in perspective for me and my experience. This is not easy reading, I struggle with some of it conceptually, but persist until I get it done. Clearly it is from passion and experience that she has been able to pull this together for the benefit of BSs like me. I use the Site Map to navigate forward and backward at times, to relearn and integrate what needs to be done. I don’t share this with my husband, this is not about him, it is very much about me, and my ability to be a spouse again, a better one this time. I have chosen to stand, and I must determine what my standing will look like and then, what our relationship will be for the next 29 years. I will live my Hero’s journey.
      Thank you Linda and Doug, for your help in getting me this far into my journey. I understand that by blogging, you are healing your way, and sharing those parts of your trial with us who are living it too. Using the great resources you have compiled and share, it is a tremendous asset. Thank you also to the many posters, your kindness and compassion with each other, your stories and wisdom, are a part of what has brought me this far too. My quality of life, the relationships with my family and with my husband, my walk, our future, are the things I now dedicate myself to. It is not easy, I don’t need it to be. It is having ‘friends’ to share it with, others who offer to guide you through the storm, just knowing. Others are walking next to you, know your feelings all too well, without any question they give of themselves, this is what really does make the difference for me. Now, I am finding my voice and hope that I will continue to learn and also offer up support to you, my peers.

      • roller coaster rider

        thank you for posting, Standing. I have been seriously thinking about not reading this site so much, about not posting, because there is a large part of my mind and heart that, as much as any cheater might feel, wants to move on! I don’t want to think about it anymore. But this morning, I was really moved by something another BS wrote and, well, quite frankly, you hit the nail on the head when you said we need each other to help in negotiating these shark-infested waters. Thanks again for your courage and may you achieve all that you dream for your family, your marriage and your future.

    • roller coaster rider

      P.S. after having just visited the website you mentioned, Standing, I realize I am not the rollercoasterider of that blog, but I have certainly been riding the roller coaster, too, and thence my chosen name. Your post encouraged me just the same! Thanks again.

    • Standing in Atlanta

      RCR. When I first visited the website I call MLC, I did have the thought that you might be that RCR. The name does say it all, now we know how the ride can be described. I have read your posts many times previously, you are right on target. I appreciate your support here.

    • Saddenned

      I personally, connected with this post. Part of making your relationship better is learning how to “spice it up”. I have a recommended book for all women who are the BS. 52 ways to Wow your husband. It is a Christian book.

      I am not advocating being a door mat or being the only one in the relationship, but remember, it is not an “eye for an eye”. I love my H dearly as I am sure everyone else here does. I will do what I can to help make it work.

    • roller coaster rider

      Thank you so much, Saddened. I just ordered the book! I am looking forward to ‘spicing it up!’ My best to you!

    • Standing in Atlanta

      I have a couple of thoughts about this thread, I was there as well, I didn’t feel as if it was an affair, I think that labeling it that way would have been too scary for me as well. For the first nine months or so after the BIG ONE I really focused on ‘getting him back’. I was hell bent on making sure that my H could not question that it was me who was the prettiest, best dressed, thinnest, most ripped, best in bed, could do nice favors, funniest, smartest and the overall winner. I too had mixed feelings, that if I really was all of those things, then why did he stray? Was my self esteem really rocked by his affairs? Absolutely. The evolution of my affair(s) recovery has come in stages, I don’t believe I am any different than anyone else in this process, diversity reveals alternate paths. I have become stuck in some stages and hurried through others, it all depends on us as individuals as to how we proceed. It has to be worked regardless of the type of affair. I believe I understand where Linda comes from, it was a nice rekindling of what had been threatened for her. It was wonderful and clearly lusty, isn’t that where we all started more or less? I saw this for me as a self-affirmation, instinctual, but necessary. To regain my domain with my man, no one else can replace me. This phase for me did not pass with such closure though, I didn’t have an Aha! moment and be able to define my transition back into the long term ‘forever’ spouse who still cleans the toilets and mows the grass. I wish I could have done so, it was not meant for me. That is OK, because we all pass along this walk in our own ways. I think it is most definitely about transitions, how it is labeled must be ours to decide for ourselves. I would cringe at the affair analogy, but the behavior for me, surely was there just the same.

      • Doug

        Standing in Atlanta, I also label my recovery in stages or summers (being a teacher everything revolves around the summer) the first summer I did as you explained tried to be the best of everything, I also focused on getting him back. I was still in shock during most of the summer after d-day, not fully understanding the implications of Doug’s affair, just trying to keep him from the OW and happy. The following summer was definitely more painful for me, the shock had worn off and I was dealing with the pain of the betrayal. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I would go back and forth daily trying to figure out if I wanted to stay or leave. It was a very emotional time for me and the only way I survived was for Doug to step up and take control of our recovery. So this summer was a lot different for me, in some ways I had kept some of the traits from the first summer, spontaneous, fun, exciting, etc. but my emotions had definitely settled down and most of the pain a distant memory. I guess I was able to look at our relationship and behaviors more objectively. I realized that some of our behaviors were unrealistic for a “normal” married couple, too many obligations were being ignored and we needed to create a better balance. I know many people were upset with my affair analogy, however I was not trying to be Doug’s mistress. What I really was trying to convey in my post was how easy it is to project yourself as perfect in an affair when that is the only focus in your life. I know that during an affair many cheater’s allow the rest of their lives to fall apart and they only focus on their affair partner. Obviously that is not reality and I learned that we can’t keep that kind of focus up without hurting our careers, families, etc. Linda

    • Gizfield

      I understand that Linda wrote this as a way to show she was doing better, but I have problems with it for a couple of reasons. Mainly, it perpetuates society’s view that marriage is bad : dull, boring, restrictive, a way to trap some one, etc. while”affairs”are good: fun, exciting, cooler, and something people should want to be in. the word “mistress” literally makes me want to puke. Someone in a relationship with a married man. Ughhhh to the nth degree. Call yourself just about anything but that. I also dont buy into the hyper Dating Activity as the way to have a strong marriage. It is as if you are setting affair-like behavior as the ideal instead of finding a better mature interpretation of relationships.

    • Gizfield

      Part 2. One thing that worries me about men susceptible to “affairs” is that if they dont alter what they want in a relationship, and you act like you’ re their mistress they will continue to think that behavior is good. Truthfully, I think a lot of men are more comfortable with dating cause they get the benefits of a marriage relationship without a lot of work. They do what they want, and see you when they want. No worries. I think it’s important to maintain a certain level of grooming, but it can get excessive. I work with a Lot of single or younger women. Most of them have an extraordinary grooming schedule. Waxing, tweezing, hair cuts,manicures, pedicures, cuts, colors, perms, massage s, etc. all the time. And guess what, they really dont look much better than the rest of us. Lol.

    • Gizfield

      The single girls, most of them anyway, have a rigorous social schedule as well. Restaurants, clubs, concerts, parties movies, dates, etc. pretty much anything as long as it doesn’t involve staying home and being “bored”. Whats funny is that most of them are in pursuit of what you already have. A husband, and possibly a family. So if your husband wants a girl like that, there are probably millions to choose from. But he chose you, so never downgrade yourself from your rightful status of Wife. It is the highest one you can get from a man. Unless you are his mother, lol.

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