This is an interesting guest post by “Sarah P.” on the origin of emotional affairs as they relate to the dynamics that occur within a person’s family.
Sarah recently finished her Master’s work in clinical psychology and is currently working on her PsyD (Doctor of Psychology ) degree.
The origin of emotional affairs
When you were growing up, you probably heard the term “boys will be boys” when parents did not want to hold their sons accountable for bad behavior. Now that we are adults, we hear from many sources that “men will be men” when speaking about male infidelity. Some scientists have also jumped on the bandwagon, proclaiming that men are genetically programmed to ‘spread their seed’. I have always viewed this theory as the ultimate cop-out and a way to allow men to be free from accountability when they devastate lives.
But, even if this is true, how is it that recent statistics show us that married women are as likely to be unfaithful as married men? After all, when we’re growing up, we heard that girls are “sugar and spice and everything nice.” In the recent past, scientists proclaimed that women were simply “wired to be monogamous”. Yet, as women have acquired their hard-won rights to be viewed as equals under the law and to be compensated for their contributions to the workplace, we have seen the incidence of female infidelity skyrocket.
Infidelity no longer belongs solely to men. So what gives?
While many have said that women are unfaithful because they now have financial independence and are no longer considered the “property” of their husbands, this explanation only goes so far.
Still others claim it is because of the sexual revolution and the availability of prophylactics that are provided gratis on behalf of organizations such as Planned Parenthood.
Yet, no one is looking at some other possible root causes of infidelity—specifically, the emotional affair. While the possibility of developing emotional affairs has grown now that women make up half of the workforce, factors like these do not provide a good explanation in terms of origin.
To find the origin of emotional affairs, I ask you to go back to the beginning. That is, the very beginning and many of the dynamics that occur within a person’s family of origin. The specific dynamic I am calling out is called “parentification”.
Parentification can be quickly visualized as a switching of roles between parent and child. Parentification has two forms: emotional and physical. So, instead of the parent doing his or her role and raising a child, the child finds himself (or herself) in the position of raising the parent. This phenomenon tends to be very common in families where dependency issues, such as alcoholism, wreak havoc on the health of the family system.
Stan’s story…
For example, lets say Stan’s father is an alcoholic who becomes physically violent toward Stan’s mother and frequently batters her. As a result, Stan’s mother becomes depressed, does not find help, and attempts to handle the situation herself. After Stan’s father rages and passes out, Stan rushes to comfort his mother. This pattern continues year after year and Stan becomes his mother’s most trusted confidant and best friend. Stan serves as a strong parental figure to his mother who has wilted under the aggression of her husband.
Now let us imagine that when Stan grows up, he chooses to become the opposite of his father. Stan becomes a hard-working dentist and a committed father and husband. Further, Stan does not drink or use drugs since he is determined to be the husband and father that he never had. These are very admirable goals and we should congratulate Stan. However, since Stan has never been to therapy and has not taken a good look at his family of origin issues, there is something that he does not realize. In fact, most people around Stan don’t realize it either since he is unanimously known as a good guy who cares for others much more than he cares for himself. Yes, good old Stan, he can always be counted on to bend a listening ear and to lend a shoulder to cry upon. Both his patients and his friends love him—and he genuinely cares for them too. So where is the problem you say?
The problem is that without realizing it, Stan has been trained to care for the needs of others more than he cares for the needs of himself. Further, though Stan’s mother did not consciously intend this, she laid a blueprint in Stan’s mind that will cause him to rescue the women around him. In fact, Stan does not even realize this himself. Stan goes about doing what he always does, which is lending a listening ear to whomever needs him at the moment. While this type of behavior certainly leads to popularity, it is not healthy for the person who is constantly burdened with the needs of strangers. What’s worse, this type of behavior becomes a type of ticking time bomb within a marriage. Literally, Stan is just a woman away from being “triggered” by someone who reminds him of his mom. From there, he will fall back into the old role of rescuer, to which he has grown quite accustomed. Stan has done so much rescuing this role even seems comfortable and normal!
But then, one day Stan hires a new dental assistant, Rita, who presented as quite out-going and affable in the job interview. Rita smiles frequently, has a good sense of humor, and pretty blond hair to top it off. Stan’s wife doesn’t mind because Rita is “happily married”. But soon after Rita is hired, her mother passes away and she is devastated. During the grieving process, Rita’s husband grows quite distant. Stan notices Rita crying one day as she leaves the women’s restroom. Stan is genuinely concerned and asks Rita what is wrong. (Good old Stan, always dependable!)
Soon, Stan and Rita start having lunch together and he listens to Rita pour out her pain, every agonizing bit of it, and Stan listens patiently. Soon, Rita begins to tell Stan that he is the only person in the world who understands her—that she feels comfortable confiding in him. Then Rita mentions her husband’s alcoholism…
Boom!! Stan has been triggered. All of these feelings rush into him and overwhelm him. He has an overwhelming need to save Rita and to fix her unhappiness. Stan starts emailing and texting Rita after hours (and Rita is happy to email him back, always thanking him and telling him that he is the only one who understands). One morning, Stan wakes up and he feels like he has been hit by a freight train and he realizes that he is in love with Rita.
Stan is confused and utterly bewildered. His strong feelings for Rita contradict everything that he knows about himself as a loyal husband and ethical person. He retraces the steps in his mind to attempt to figure out how this happened. He keeps coming up short and cannot find a deeper reason. Thus, he comes to the conclusion that it must be Rita. He rationalizes that he was mistaken about his own wife all along. Perhaps he was never in love with his wife at all! Stan asserts to himself that what he feels for Rita is so comfortable and so familiar. Finally, Stan concludes that if these feelings aren’t love, then what is?
…And Pandora’s box has now been officially opened.
Depending on Stan’s willpower, depending upon the way Stan chooses to perceive his own wife, and depending on Rita, this could turn into a full-blown physical affair and a divorce.
Now, let’s take a step back…
If Stan would have had the original insight that he had been primed for this situation because of his relationship with his mother, it is very likely Rita and her neediness would not have triggered Stan. Even if Stan had been triggered, he would have likely had the insight to see a therapist and work through his feelings. If Stan had known the origin of these feelings, he would have known it was not Rita.
Now, let’s look at this situation from another angle since this is not an issue that is isolated to men. Women are just as prone to falling in to this type of emotional affair as men. For the sake of brevity, I will not provide a long example of a woman in this situation since you could, to some degree, switch genders in the example I provided. Still, you could easily find a woman in the same situation that had been her father’s confidante due to an emotionally absent or depressed mother. The dynamics are the same and this type of priming is really gender-neutral. But, it seems to have the most influence over those who were ‘parentified’ by an opposite gender parent. In fact, I have uncovered this very thing many times when speaking with those who have developed crushes of unknown origin.
What about your own childhood experiences?
The advice that I would give to any newly married couple is for them to sit down and do an inventory on their childhood experiences. I would specifically focus on the family dynamics and look for any parentification. However, even if you have been married for 40 years, this might be a worthwhile thing to do. You can never know what kind of helpful insight there is to be gained from this until you try.
For anyone who has lived through a spouse’s infidelity, I would look at the affair through this lens and see if any of it rings true. If it does ring true, I would highly recommend having a discussion with your spouse when he or she is open to sharing their heart and delving deep. In fact, sometimes when the person who has committed the affair finds out that it was never the other person at all, both spouses can feel a profound and cathartic relief. Then, the person who had the affair is able to more thoroughly let go of the OP knowing they were dealing with a dynamic and not a soulmate.
Finally, his or her spouse can also begin to realize that it was never personal, it was never something special about that person, and that it was never something he or she did to cause the affair. After all, the very seeds of this type of affair were sewn long ago, during childhood. Seen in this way, both spouses become more willing and able to start rebuilding the marriage. Moreover, they are all the more wise the next time around.
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20 replies to "How “Nurture” Influences the Probability of an Emotional Affair"
Excellent example of one of the early childhood dynamics that can contribute to someone having an affair. As a therapist of over 25 years who specializes in working with couples where there has been an affair (and also experienced an affair in my own marriage) I’ve found there are usually multiple reasons why people have affairs and it is important to identify all of the contributing factors in order for the couple to completely heal from the experience. This requires a real commitment to doing the work required to understand one’s self sufficiently to get to the bottom of these dynamics and make whatever changes are needed to repair the trust and rebuild the relationship again. I have the utmost respect for couples willing to undertake this endeavor and the commitment to stick with it until they succeed. Their reward is usually a relationship with a stronger foundation than they thought possible.
Thank you for an excellent article!
Barbara Swenson, Ph.D.
The Couple Center
Lafayette, CA
Hello Barbara,
Thanks for your feedback! I really appreciate it.
You make excellent points about identifying all contributing factors in order to completely heal from an affair.
I realize now, after re-reading my article, that I should have made it more clear that the scenario I described is only one of many. To some it may not apply at all, to others it could be right on.
However, the intent of the article was simply to present one of the thousands of ways that upbringing and the right circumstances can collide to provide the environment for an affair to happen. I do not feel I presented that clearly enough.
My next post will more thoroughly describe where I stand on this topic in general. The article will serve as the foundation through which to discuss all of the added minutiae that create circumstances where affairs are possible.
In that follow up article that I hope to have posted soon, I will make it absolutely clear that no matter what the circumstances, there is always a choice. The person having the affair needs to be 100% accountable for his or her choice. Even though circumstances align to make infidelity possible, it is never an excuse. There are hundreds of people everyday who are faced with the possibility of having an affair and those people say a loud and resounding “NO”.
The other point I will make is that the innocent spouse should never be blamed for the unfaithful spouse’s transgression. I really don’t care if the innocent spouse is ‘frigid’, or has ‘lost their looks’, or has ‘becoming boring’, or any other number of things adulterers say to themselves to attempt to justify themselves. Moreover, most of the time the things they say are NOT true, but are based on flawed perception. This flawed perception is a required mechanism that adulterers use in order to absolve themselves of guilty feelings about their affair. However, even if every one of these perceptions had a grain of truth, it is not a reason to have an affair. On the other hand, it is reason to find ways to build bridges toward your partner, get over childish attitudes, to learn more about meeting the needs of the other, and to grow as a couple.
Really when someone makes the choice to be unfaithful, it is some kind of deficit within themselves and it is an incredibly selfish act.
Thanks again for your feedback, Barbara!
I know this is true about my H ow but he refuses to recognize it. He still believes she is wonderful and was a great friend. Sure because all great friends help you destroy your life and the wife and children that have loved you for years. My H still thinks he may be “in love” with her even though he swears no contact for 6 months. I have made him move out because I refuse to live in that much pain every day. I really believe that divorce is my only option because he just refuses to get the help he needs. I am in counseling and 2 of the 3 kids are in counseling but he thinks he doesn’t need it. It makes me believe sometimes that maybe they really are “in love” and the 22 years we have had were nothing. Sometimes the sadness and self doubt can really take over.
I do think that there is a lot to this and happen to agree with nearly all of it. I believe that:
In fact, sometimes when the person who has committed the affair finds out that it was never the other person at all, both spouses can feel a profound and cathartic relief.
I think the real challenge is getting your spouse to a place where they can accept some of these possibilities. In my case my wife doesn’t feel that she has done anything significantly wrong so getting her to accept somethiong like this would be a real longshot. I am hopeful as my wife has begun to go to counseling so that offers some hope. I do long for that moment where she realizes what a terrible mistake she has made and recognizes the pain she has caused. Not sure if she’ll ever get there, but I do think that if she does it will be good for me and us, but very good for her as it will show that she is growing and maturing.
Hello Sadsomuch,
I am truly heartbroken to hear about your situation.
Rest assured that there is nothing about the OP that is better than you. In fact, the OP is far inferior to you because of the reasons you mentioned. She was willing to destroy the marriage and the life of another innocent woman and three innocent children. If your husband considers her a friend, he is grossly mistaken on what it means to be a friend to someone. After all, with ‘friends’ like that, who needs enemies?
When the doubt takes over, please remember that your husband is off in fantasy land and will one day wake up to the reality of the situation. It is not the OP that has such a powerful sway over him; it is the fantasy that he has built up in his mind about the OP and what type of life he might have with her. But, everything he believes in not real. His perceptions are not real.
The bottom line is, something is lacking both in your H and in the OP. People who act from integrity do not do such things.
Also, if it is any consolation, I went through a similar situation about 13 years ago, so I can tell you how these things end for the adulterer if he doesn’t wake up to reality. He was my fiance at the time and we were ready to get married. He broke it off soon before the wedding and would not tell me why. It turned out that he had been cheating with a woman who literally swore that he would be hers (all because he was committed to someone else). She was the type who got a kick out of breaking up relationships. Well, I let the other woman have him since we were not married and did not have children.
He is with her to this day and it is a very ugly situation (or so mutual friends have told me). He is extremely unhappy, but he is too frightened of this woman to leave the marriage. He was not able to figure out that it is impossible to build a happy life with someone who has no integrity.
Sadsomuch, I am so sorry what has happened in your life. I sincerely hope that you have a group of friends and family members on whom you can rely for support. Just remember that what your H is doing says NOTHING about your value, your worth, or your lovability as a person. You already possess inherent worth and lovability. He can neither add to it nor take it away.
Sarah P-Thank you so much for your kind words. I was content to let things go for awhile just being separated, but I found he had written her number in some notes and hidden it. This was just the final straw for me. It showed me that he never had any intention of giving her up. I believe he was just stalling for time until she leaves her husband. I have made the decision to file for divorce and will just try to pick up the pieces of my life and my children’s lives, and move on. I know that down the road he is going to regret this greatly but I can not spend my life waiting for him to come to his sense. I ask for prayers from all who read this, prayers for me and my children and even my cs.
Hello Sadsomuch,
**Note: this particular response is written from my own personal perspective that prayer (and even meditation) can sometimes be a powerful force for healing. It is not meant to proselytize my viewpoint, to convert, to say my way is the only way, or to offend anyone. Just an FYI that I am writing this response through the particular lens that prayer can be helpful.**
If your husband is not willing to come around, then sometimes it becomes necessary to take concrete action. Sometimes when a wife files for legal separation, it is enough of a shock to jolt a spouse back to reality. The jolt may take a little time, but at some point, your husband will be forced to think about the fall-out from his hurtful actions. Still, even within this context, I would recommend praying for guidance, for protection, and for healing for everyone in the situation. I would also pray that your husband is able to be jolted back into reality and have a change of heart.
Prayer can indeed be a very powerful and healing act. While prayer may not be for everyone, I believe it is can be a foundational part of healing for those who believe in its power. It has helped me countless times in the past and it is something that has become part of my daily routine.
There is a Laura Story song that has pulled me through hard times in the past. It is called “Blessings”. That is quite a remarkable song because it was written when Laura and her husband seemed to be facing an impossible situation that was irreversible.
But, the thing that has helped me the most is praying for guidance, taking the steps that I think need to occur, and then praying that His will is higher than my will and that everything will work out in the end. He has a plan, which we cannot yet see, but I do believe His plan is one that will help us grow and give us comfort. In Isaiah 55:9 we read: “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts”. And in Jeremiah 29:11 we read “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and hope”. These are some of the verses that I cling to when I meet challenges in my own life.
Sadsomuch, again I am so sorry for what you are going through. I admire your bravery in taking concrete action in this situation. Your children are lucky to have such a good mom. I know that God will care for your family through this process– after all, the Bible tells us “God is Love”. Nothing is impossible to Him.
Take care,
Sarah
Hmm some I agree with, some I do not. In fact in my case I could be Stan because that was my life as a child yet my husband is the cheater and I would never dream of cheating on him…ever. No matter what the circumstance cheating isn’t a part of who I am. I was put in a situation to cheat and emphatically told the OP no because I was married and that was actually a time in our marriage that I was incredibly lonely and needy. I believe cheating is a choice and a moral issue. I am sure our thought processes develop in our childhood that can lead to the choices we make later in life but I am not quite sure how parentification can play such a large role in cheating. I don’t think it is necessary to fully understand every single reason a person cheats to fully heal from the affair. Sometimes it just is. Like many have described the perfect storm. I will agree the reward for working on a marriage after an affair is a relationship deeper and more meaningful then one could ever realize. That is true. I think much of that comes from the realization that all marriages, not just shattered ones require a tremendous amount of work by both partners…work that perhaps you would have not done under normal circumstances. We are 3 1/2 years post affair and as my husband said the other night ” I could have never imagined having a marriage like this…”
Hello Broken2,
Glad to hear that you are working it out with your husband.
Yes, cheating is a moral choice, even when that perfect storm comes along. Even though storms come, we do not have to be swept up with them.
The fact that you were in a similar situation and you said “NO” to the OP is proof that no one has to get swept up in the storm. Even though you were lonely at that time, you realized it was not justification for an affair. You realized that the choice was up to you and that this choice had nothing to do with external circumstances since it was moral in nature.
Yes, all marriages need work. I knew this prior to getting married to my current spouse, but it sometimes does not hit home until things are on a downward slide. Still, I have found that if both are willing to work on it during the storms (whatever they may be), the marriage comes out all the stronger for it. That’s a blessing.
Thanks again for your feedback!
I am in agreement with Dr Swenson’s statement of identifying “all contributing factors” for an affair and can accept Sarah P’s plausible scenario however, I am in total agreement with B2. An affair is a moral decision in which the persons upbringing may or may not have contributed. It is too easy for everyone to place blame for an affair at the feet of their childhood, hmmm sounds just like the defense attorney’s justification for sparing his guilty clients’ lives after murdering someone. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all owned up to our mistakes and stopped searching our childhood for all the trendy explanations?
My H affair was his choice. His father, mother and sister did not send him subliminal messages to have an affair. His need to be loved and placed on a pedestal by a much younger woman was his decision. Oh I get it, it was his need to be adored and glorified that caused his affair – he must of learned that behavior from his parents… NOT!
Doug,
I have a question for you, my cs and I talked openly about divorce, he said that is so final. Then he questioned himself, what if this is just an emotional affair? is this a good sign that things could work out between us?
ERC, It’s touch to know for sure if things can work out or not with the limited knowledge I have of your situation. However, I don’t really feel comfortable with the way your husband says it was “just an emotional affair” – as they can be more serious than a physical affair due to the emotional attachment. The fact that he perhaps is wavering on the divorce issue because of it’s finality could be a positive sign though.
I think it is not only impossible, but also dangerous to lay the blame for an affair at the feet of one particular cause. As our therapist says, it is usually a “perfect storm”‘ of things that collide in a disastrous way.
My husband had an emotionally neglectful, abusive childhood along with an alcoholic parent. Did these factors contribute? Of course. He did not learn to set healthy boundaries, and it left him with some emotional immaturity. Prior to the affair, life dealt him (us!) some crappy blows in terms of career, finances, losing two parents, and so on. He was clinically depressed and suicidal. A “friend” saw her chance to swoop in and pursued him aggressively. He caved to a number of vulnerabilities. I will not blame any one factor, I will not say that he “had no choice”. I had the chance to cheat and did not. Our therapist says I have a stronger moral compass, and a stronger sense of self. Who knows.
Bottom line is, I think ALL factors need to be looked in true recovery. The cheater needs to examine all the issues, not in terms of “AHA” THATS why I did what I did. But in terms of understanding where their vulnerabilities lie, and how to guard against those in the future.
These are valuable thoughts here! I was able to identify myself and situation and more and more this madness makes sense to me.
I still go through the motions emotionally on a daily basis about my H’s emotional affair. Luckily for us, we are working on building marriage, better and stronger. He describes himself as waking up from a nightmare. He further describes what happened and the OW as a symptom, not the problem. The problem is within himself hi says! The angle of up- bringing never crossed my mind, since he was deeply grieving losses when he entered the affair. But that makes sense too! He was raised in a drug and alcohol home with multiple divorces. His mom was abused and the other woman left her marriage because supposedly her guy was beating her…
I just wish I can strip the what ifs out of my brain!
Thanks everyone for sharing.
Doug,
My cs been in a ea for 4 months. Dday 2 months ago. He said he was glad it was out. He told me he stopped contact he would have nc for 5 to 7 days then contact her. Then he saw her and he told me it was over yet he contacted her again. He went 2 weeks nc. Op sent cs text I got upset. Cs said that made him want to go back to op. He is contact op again. This is when divorce conversation came up he said that is so final. I have backed off. Cs is home every night. He is now texting his mom and his sister every night, which he has not done before. We are still sleeping separately. I don’t know whether to move on or stay.
ERC, It sounds like he is going through the withdrawal stage and/or is “fence sitting.” Until there is absolutely no contact with the OP can there be true reconciliation. You’re pretty new into this whole thing unfortunately and perhaps it’s a little too early to make any decisions about whether to stay or move on. Any ideas why he is texting his mom and sister?
I am hoping he is trying to reconnect with them. He has a lot of issues with his family. He thinks they have have never accepted him. Which is not true. When our married son comes around cs comes out of his shell. He is a our only child. When he talked about divorce he said he feels like a failure. I leave him notes telling him how much I love him miss him etc.. I asked if that bothered him. He said no that is probably what he would do if I was was the one cheating. I try really hard to act like everything is ok. Inside I am falling apart
Doug
also the ow is getting a divorce she is 10 years younger with 4 kids at home. Her husband moved out and I asked cs why he doesn’t go live with her. Cs said because she is married! Maybe he is waiting for divorce to be final???? I just do not know
My h had a dysfunctional upbringing (who hasn’t), a teenage mother who viewed him as her best buddy, she and her also young husband acted like teenagers and my h saw everything chaotic and was always given a lot of responsibility. There were also no boundaries – frankly my MiL’s relationship with my h has always seemed off and a bit over the line for me. Not sexual, just not right. Skip ahead, my h is responsible, successful, great h and dad – he as an ea with an ow who had earlier given my MiL suspicions with HER husband a few years back. So this redneck went after a woman’s husband, then son. Creepy. Are my sons next? Everything gets back to this lack of boundaries – when my h found all this out he was sickened. Oedipus Rex calling dr Freud. And what of this other woman? What sort of sick game is she (an employee) playing with my MiL? To say the fantasy of her is over woud be an understatement.
Hello Sarah, I really enjoyed this perspective on the emotional affair. One of my favorite ways of discovering “patterns” of behavior is to start with a genogram of the family tree and then move toward conversations around their early attachment experiences with caregivers. Your prospective makes such sense to me. Thank you so much!