microphoneOnce again it’s our monthly feature where our discussion is completely open to whatever you want to talk about.  This is the fifth time we’ve featured these open discussions and so far they’ve been a pretty popular thing.  For that, we thank you!

So…

  • What’s on your mind?
  • Have any successes to share?
  • Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
  • Any good books you’d like to discuss?
  • What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
  • What’s working or not working?
  • Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
  • Any suggestions for future topics?

Please don’t be shy.  If there is anything whatsoever on your mind, please leave a comment below.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

 LINESPACE

    54 replies to "Open “Mic” Discussion #5"

    • Gizfield

      I got a book off Amazon yesterday that I am really enjoying ( for $2.99) . Authors are Nancy Rue and Stephen Auterburn.The main topic is adultery, title is Healing Stones, a Sullivan Crisp novel. The basic story is a female professor at a Christian college has an affair (physical) and is discovered with extremely bad consequences. I’m about a third of the way through with it. The first chapter is pretty vile, as it is a meeting between the “lovebirds” with all the attendant affair crap, but the rest of it is about the aftermath of the adultery. There is also a mystery involved so it is an addictive read.

      • Strengthrequired

        Sounds an interesting read…

      • Doug

        Sounds interesting Giz. Is it fiction? Do you not experience triggers or anything when reading stuff like that?

    • Gizfield

      Everybody must be shy this month, lol.

      • Strengthrequired

        Are you missing us giz?? Lol

    • emotionalrollercoaster

      2 months since dday ea.cs ea going on 4 months. Cs moved out sat this is wed he came by today said he would like to do dinner fri or sat. He moved out to figure out if he wants me or other woman. I am afraid of his decision. Any ideas what dinner will be like?

      • Strengthrequired

        Erc, I’m not sure how dinner will be, or how it will go? I do hope he wants to work on things with you and your marriage,
        I will be thinking of you, and hope it all works out the way you want it too. All the best…

      • CBb

        Go to dinner. Act like you don’t give a crap. Take it all in stride. Sometimes the key is if they have to fight to get you back, all of a sudden they are “interested”. Your H will see you in a whole new light.

        He will see this as a challenge. When I finally told my H to leave b/c he went back to the OW and continued to see her, that is when he suddenly realized what he had done. I hated having to do it but it snapped some sense in him that I was not putting up w/ this situation like I had for the past 6 months.

        When he was about to lose everything, he woke up. He had ended it w/ OW and then ended it w/ days later b/c he did not know what to do. That was last month. He is different and doing everything possible to make amends.

        I believe if I was crying and needy and clingy it would have backfired. And I got that strategy from another woman’s blog. I think you can say you need him and want to work this out, BUT how you get that information to him can have an impact if done correctly. Obviously every situation is different.

        But the fact he moved out makes it harder for you. Try to “date” him and show him you can be fun and interesting like the OW. Don’t call him back so quickly. Let him pursue you and work for your love and affection. You are the Prize!

    • Gizfield

      I am missing ya’ll, Strength, lol. Not sure how I find time to, but I do. I love reading everyone’s comments.

    • Strengthrequired

      You know biz, I love to read everyone’s comments too. Lol
      It gets boring when you don’t see any comments.hehehe.
      Yet if we don’t see comments, I hope it is for good reasons, like everyone is finding their way out of this mess an ea brings. Here’s hoping everyone is doing well, and going strong.

    • emotionalrollercoaster

      One day I don’t think I can live without him next moment I don’t want him to come back. I am working on me I am getting stronger exercise every day for 1hr 1/2. Lost 33 pounds. When he stopped by yesterday he looks like crap. I think that’s pretty funny

      • Doug

        That’s great that you’re exercising, getting stronger and losing weight. Keep it up! Perhaps he looks like crap because things aren’t going so wonderful for him. I wish the best for you!

      • Strengthrequired

        It’s funny ERC, how their new love interest seems to make them sicker, when my h moved back home to me after a month separation he looked very ill. Once he moved back home you could see the changes for the better in him where he didn’t look so sick.

    • Doug

      In an effort to kick-start this week’s discussion…

      Received an email this morning and in it there was this statement:

      “Men are from Mars. For most this means that men typically want to crawl into their cave and be left alone. No connection. No talking. Give me my beer, sports program, group of buddies and I’m fine. This is a cover up for men. It becomes a common way for them to emotionally protect themselves. Once you get to know a man, you will discover a part of him that wants to be deeply connected to another. This often emerges when the woman pulls too far away, and then it emerges often, in powerful ways. Many men walk around like an armored tank, but filled with marshmallows. Bottom line: your spouse wants some of the same things you want. ”

      Thoughts???

    • Battleborn

      I was wondering if anyone has truly listened to Katy Perry’s new song ROAR. She, IMO, has hit the nail on the head with this one. Our CS have held us down and now it’s our time to “roar” back to our true selves albeit hard. Just a thought.

      • Doug

        BB, Good song. My daughters love it! Here’s the lyrics, btw:

        “Roar”

        I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
        Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
        So I sat quietly, agreed politely
        I guess that I forgot I had a choice
        I let you push me past the breaking point
        I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

        You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
        Already brushing off the dust
        You hear my voice, you hear that sound
        Like thunder gonna shake the ground
        You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
        Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
        I see it all, I see it now

        [Chorus]
        I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
        ‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
        Louder, louder than a lion
        ‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
        Oh oh oh oh oh oh
        Oh oh oh oh oh oh
        Oh oh oh oh oh oh
        You’re gonna hear me roar

        Now I’m floating like a butterfly
        Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
        I went from zero, to my own hero

        You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
        Already brushing off the dust
        You hear my voice, you hear that sound
        Like thunder gonna shake the ground
        You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
        Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
        I see it all, I see it now

        [Chorus]
        I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
        ‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
        Louder, louder than a lion
        ‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
        Oh oh oh oh oh oh
        Oh oh oh oh oh oh
        Oh oh oh oh oh oh
        You’re gonna hear me roar
        Oh oh oh oh oh oh
        Oh oh oh oh oh oh
        You’ll hear me roar
        Oh oh oh oh oh oh
        You’re gonna hear me roar…

        Ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar

        I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
        ‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
        Louder, louder than a lion
        ‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
        Oh oh oh oh oh oh
        Oh oh oh oh oh oh
        Oh oh oh oh oh oh
        You’re gonna hear me roar
        Oh oh oh oh oh oh
        Oh oh oh oh oh oh
        You’ll hear me roar
        Oh oh oh oh oh oh
        You’re gonna hear me roar…

        • tryinghard

          I love this song. I sing it with my Grandson!

    • Gizfield

      Hey, I have a ten year old girl so you know I’ve heard ROAR, repeatedly. I love it. Her fave is Taylor Swift. Hearing my daughter sing “Dear John” in the backseat has been one of highlights of my life, lol.

    • Broken2

      I agree Doug men deal differently with issues. I do think it is important to give them the space they need to process their day or relax without talking. I think it becomes an issue when this behavior becomes the sole way of dealing and communicating with their spouses. Woman need to talk. They need to process their feelings and thoughts Just as much as men need time alone. If you want a healthy relationship both needs must be met. I know with my husband when he is grumpy from work and hurts me…I have learned to back off and give him space and 100% of the time he will apologize and give me what I need which is his attention. He is so sweet on the inside but to be competitive at work he has to be something different on the outside. He is learning to leave that side of him at work.

    • Gizfield

      Yes, Doug, Healing Stones is fiction, specifically Christian fiction. No profanity or graphic sex. I got a romance book on the Kindle last week and it was straight up porn. Ugh. The first chapter if the book was rough but I always remind myself it’s just a relationship based on secrets and lies, not true love. Your “soulmate” isusually not in the next cubicle. Also, the lady comes out of the fog very quickly cause she has to. It’s written from the perspective of the adulterer and the therapist. Mostly focused on saving the marriage, not the affair.

    • tryinghard

      I thought I was being a good wife. A wife that doesn’t nag or pressure. Didn’t bore him with my petty thoughts or tedious daily activities. Everything was perfect for the “King” to enter his realm!!! Yeah I gave him space to do his “processing”. Although it wasn’t the kind of processing I thought he was doing. I never gave “honey do” lists. NEVER put up a fuss if he wanted to play golf, NEVER. If something needed to be done around the house or with our sons, I either did it or hired it done. I didn’t want him to be under pressure at work and then under pressure at home. He was under pressure running his business all his life, still is. I did this for years. I took care of him. It was our roles and I followed mine to a T. I made his life easy wayyy too easy it turns out. Because I didn’t put demands on his time and demands on him contributing to the running of our home and children and I did it so seamlessly, it looked easy to him. He took it for granted or interpreted it as I didn’t need him. He didn’t want to bore me with work issues or more to the point he didn’t think I would really understand because I wasn’t there. Didn’t matter that I had a degree in business and have had jobs and even owned my own business. He was so full of his own importance he was just too sure “I just wouldn’t understand”. How egotistical is that?? Well I was all wrong!

      Now, he comes home from work grumpy, I call him on it and snap him out of it. He’s home and the focus is on home and us. We talk about the day or the problems. Unless we are watching a show, we talk, about everything. Nothing is off limits or too boring. I talk about everything. Nothing I do is boring anymore for me not to talk about. I talk about what’s important to me, politics, problems, good things, gossip, grocery list, light bulbs… you name it I talk about it and I make sure he is looking at me and I at him. Sometimes our conversations are stupid and about nothing at all but WE ARE TALKING, and laughing and kissing and touching. I believe he has plenty of time during his drive home to transition mentally from work to home. I’m done walking on eggs and trying to suss out his thinking or his temperament on any particular day. He’s acting moody or cranky, he gets called on it, not meanly, but brought to his attention to snap out of it. I have given up much of what I took on as my responsibilities around the house and now it is on his list. Now we are on more equal footing at home. I ask him a million questions just to get him to talk. Hell I ask questions I know the answers to just to get him to talk.

      As mundane as this sounds, it’s working!!! I think sometimes he talks just to get me to shut the hell up!!! That’s ok, he’s talking. I listen, sometimes I don’t agree, especially politically, and sometimes I give my opinion, if I feel like it, and sometimes I don’t. My point is by giving up and making him more responsible at home not only does he see that I need him, he’s more vested and part of our home. By talking about nothing gets him thinking and talking and not so much in his own head. Sometimes even the most insignificant conversation ends with meaningful conversation. I’m not saying bombard him with problems the minute his feet hit the door, but don’t patronize his bad attitude by letting him stew in his own head about his perceived miserable day. Like Cher said in Moonstruck, “SNAP OUT OF IT!” TALK!!

    • allayfig222

      Doug, My h had an 18 month email/text/phone affair with an old girlfriend who lives in another state. They wrote and phoned daily, sometimes talking for 2 hours, toehr times talking and texdting 30 times a day. He continued it after his DDay oath to end it, then after writing her that it was over 4 weeks later, then finally another 3 weeks later. All along he has said he doesn’t remember what they said (“tIt was just conversation”) or why he didn’t tell me she wrote him from the start or how it escalated to “I will love youforever” and some sexual references or how he felt about lying to me or about manipulating me so he could have more time with her. Our therapist doesn’t feel he is hiding anything, but that he just can’t access his motives and feelings.
      Is this a “guy thing”? Is he truly able to do all these things completely detached from his “real life” like being on autopilot? He says he never loved her and just responded to her declarations of undying love BUT the night i caught him, I asked him if he loved her (as he had written 4 times that night that he did) and he said “I don’t know. I don’t think so.” Not very reassuring. Now he laughs it off and says he never thought that and it wasjust a flirtation.

      • Doug

        Allay, It’s hard to give you an answer with 100% certainty, but I can tell you that guys brains are wired differently and he probably is truly having a hard time remembering much of what is said. Men also seem to have an easier time at compartmentalizing stuff. I also think that some of it is him avoiding the issues and/or “protecting” your feelings and such. Some of it might also have to do with him wanting to avoid talking about his own screw-ups and issues.

        Here’s a post we did 3 years ago that addresses this: http://www.emotionalaffair.org/why-cant-i-remember-things-after-the-affair/

    • Gizfield

      Trying Hard, like you, pre affair, I made my husband’s life an easy peasy piece of cake. His only responsibilities other than work were to get our daughter ready and take her to daycare. Then he was “done for the day.” Yard work on the weekend. That was it. I did no nagging, no snooping, no accusing. He went where he wished, no questions regarding who he talked to, visited with, emailed, etc. In other words, I treated him like a trustworthy adult. Wrong move I guess. Oh well, we’re done with THAT. I read that your heart follows where you put your effort, so now I load him down with crap to do. It’s almost like we have switched places. He cooks, chauffeurs our daughter, volunteers to do stuff with us. He’s seen what life is like on his own, and he does not like it. one bit.

    • Gizfield

      Ooh, I just had a nasty flashback. My husband emailing his skank about “how much freedom” he had. Lol, he found out he could have absolute freedom. Like Janis Joplin said, it’s just another word for nothing left to lose.

    • Bex

      It’s been 8 weeks since dday and my wife is still in contact with the dope and I have been focusing on our kids and myself, but candidly it’s a challenge. Trying my best to let her be and feel alone and try not to worry about things I cannot control. She won’t bring up the EA at all because she insists I’m blowing it out of proportion, but frankly the “I love you” texts don’t support her argument. She is “reassessing our marriage and trying to decide who she wants to spend the rest of her life with.” This of course is how insane people get when they are in the fog of an affair I guess. I tell her that our relationship seems far worse than it is because of this affair she is having, but she doesn’t agree with that. I guess I would like some advice on what more I can do. Perhaps I am doing the right things. I have considered asking her to leave the house until she figures out what she wants, but have hesitated doing so because we have an 8 yo and 14 yo at home and am concerned about the impact on them. This is so dang tough. I really feel that sometimes I’m in a high stakes poker game and every move is so important that you just want to not make the wrong move. My wife fortunately is at least seeing a therapist and attempting to sort through her issues. Candidly I don’t have much hope for us, but I am confident that I’ll be okay and in some ways better for it because this is forcing me to work through some very difficult issues. One thing that I am going back and forth about is confronting the dope. The “man” in me really wants to let him know that he’s an unprofessional a**hole and if he touches my kids then the next visit will be a bit more eventful. I know this is just the anger coming out and I’m not sure it will serve any purpose other than providing me some short term adrenaline rush. I do think it would end the affair, but also perhaps completely end my marriage because my wife would lose it. Any thoughts about any of it would be appreciated. Thanks.

      • tryinghard

        Bex
        She’s “assessing the marriage”????? This actually made me laugh out loud! Fog, insane, delusional, egotistical much?(her of course).

        OK there is no “assessing”. She’s married to you. Get in or get out. As far as seeing a therapist, she needs to ask for a refund from this junior chipmunk that would give her advice to keep carrying on with another romantically while still married to you. Confront the dope if you feel like it. You’ve got nothing to lose, but the dope you really need to confront honestly is your wife. Do not patronize her on this. You are only encouraging it her bad behavior. You will be OK. Matter of fact once you start standing up for yourself and quit putting up with her BS, you and your kids will be great!

      • Doug

        Bex, Sorry you’re going through this. TH gives good advice, that’s for sure. Question…Is the “dope” married? If so, does his wife know of the affair? If he is married and wife doesn’t know, then perhaps she should. That could possibly help to put an end to the affair – or at least start the process.

        • Bex

          Doug,
          Yep the dope is married. His wife doesn’t know but I’ve been told that she’s suspicious. I’m somewhat confident that it’ll end from his standpoint once I confront him. I know his boss as well and I think once he is aware that I’m fully aware of everything including texts that he’ll have to end it or risk his job and his marriage. I know these things don’t play out like you think so there are more twists and turns to come I’m sure. I do find it hard to believe I’m actually living this drama. I just feel like I’m going to lead me and my 2 boys through all of this and while I hope my wife decides to join us at some point that’s up to her because we’re going to make it! Thanks!

          • Tryinghard

            Bex
            You my friend are holding the trump card. The wife deserves to know. I will always be grateful to the OW boyfriend who called me the night after DDay and told me everything he knew. He also then called my husband and told him all about how he was seeing her(the OW) for over a year and a half at the same time my H and she were carrying on. Broke the “fog” right away. Go for it.

          • Doug

            Perhaps you’re right Bex – or they might just attempt to become more stealthy. I have no doubts that you’ll make it and I hope your wife does indeed decide to join you. Let us know what you decide and how it turns out.

    • Bex

      Tryinghard I Love the straight talk! I’ve drawn lines and stood up more than my email seemed to say, but we’ve reached a holding pattern of sorts. I appreciate your candor and your advice. Thanks!

      • tryinghard

        LOL Bex
        I know!! I don’t hold back. I won’t patronize. The truth is, the ball is in your court. You are the decision maker, not her. She has cheated and lied and betrayed. You are the one who really needs to decide if you want her and your broken marriage back.

        I wish someone had told me that in the early days. I was a broken, simpering fool. I didn’t know if I should crap or go blind. I cried, I begged, I pleaded and it wasn’t until I blew up and I mean BLEW THE F UP, and said get the f out of my life did anything change.

        I see so many people waiting for their CS to make a decision when all they are really doing is keeping the status quo. Sometimes you have to call their bluff or indecision by making your own decison. I know the thought of breaking up your family because of the children is heart wrenching but your kids will be ok. A lot more than ok once you set the boundaries on what you will or won’t allow to go on in your home. Good for you, keep drawing the lines and let her know you mean business. I’m on your side pal because no matter what is going on in your marriage or between you two, cheating should never be the option and if you or she wants ANY chance of putting things back together “assessing” the situation for longer than a couple weeks is only prolonging the dual life she’s leading. They need to be shaken awake from their “fog”(ugh I hate that word) or delusion and you are the one that needs to to do it. Only after “he” is out of the picture totally can you make any headway to healing and reconciliation. This is NOT a path for the faint of heart. Don’t mistake my candor for not feeling for you or knowing your pain. I do trust me, in spades, I want to empower you.

    • Tiredofitall

      Has anyone else been cheated on when they had cancer? How about teenage kids? Is it best to be open and honest with them about their parent’s affair or to preserve their illusion of the marriage?

    • gizfield

      I personally believe that EVERY PERSON whose spouse is currently having an inappropriate relationship outside their marriage deserves to know. and most of them if has ended recently. They should get the chance to make an informed decision about their marriage, just like everyone else involved. There is always the threat of disease. They look like a fool if they talk about their spouse like they are wonderful. No one says “lucky giz, her husband is dating someone else but she doesn’t know.” They say “poor giz doesn’t know”. I wish to God someone had told me my husband was dating a whore behind my back.

    • EyesOpened

      Hi Bex
      I am a female CS and my heart breaks for what you are going through. My affair was discovered 18 months ago by my h who did not tel the OMs wife. I promised to end it, but didn’t . The affair ended extremely quickly when his wife found out 3 months later, however.

      All I can say is that by telling his wife , you will be bringing an inevitability forward. Your actions will not determine their future – just force a decision.

      If they felt they could run away together to paradise – it would have happened by now. Whatever is keeping them in the holding pattern (be it love for spouses, children, finances, confusion ) will still be there.

      My prediction is one or the other CS will end it when the sordid details are fully exposed. Both the CSs are likely to mourn the loss of the fantasy they created – and that is an extremely rough ride for the spouses (and the CSs – although since the CS created the situation they feel shame, guilt etc).

      Don’t punch the guy – feel sorry for him! If you hit him, you have to hit her too . They are BOTH doing this – no matter what anyone says. Spend your energy finding out what of your wife’s needs he is meeting (most likely fictionally or superficially ) , and if you really want her – meet those needs.

      My needs turned out to be: I wanted to be equal and respected. Because of the way my h and I met – he was the ‘star’ and I was the ‘fan’. I lived to meet every one of his needs to my own detriment – until someone else respected me and treated me ‘like a star’ (except that was MY fantasy which I projected on to him) – hard to explain…

      Anyway – I would tell her she needs to move out and become independent of you . Stand your ground. She most likely knows he is not a keeper but the fun of the fair outweighs the ordinariness of the real world right now.

      You’re an amazing man for being so supportive. Give extra love to your kids – they need you more than ever right now.

    • tryinghard

      EG
      I forgot to add. I love that we can look back and think “What was I thinking??” Oh yeah I cried and gnashed my teeth with the “what did I do wrong??? what can I do to change???what can I do to make him love me again and see the errors of his ways??” How egotistical was that??? Really, like I had ANY control over a grown man’s behavior. As if any of my behaviors could have changed the outcome? Now I think I’m a pretty awesome person and wife, but my awesomeness does not include being a magician or some kind of Machiavellian manipulator ! I have/had NO control over him, never have, and never will, so No way, no how, not ever will I take responsibility or credit for someone else’s bad behavior or good behavior for that matter. Fat, skinny, ugly, pretty, smart, dumb–makes no difference, it has NOTHING to do with us. As hard as that is for some to hear the sooner you get this the faster you are on your way to your OWN personal healing.

    • Sunshine1968

      It’s been a year since d day. H is being awesome, open, honest, talking, spending time with me, everything. Except he is has no real desire in the bedroom, and I do. I know, that is backwards from what most say. That is part of the issue that led to his EA, I was not happy and kinda shut him out, no it’s not an excuse just one reason. Any ideas how, why, what to get his interest back?

      • exercisegrace

        I have not had experience this, but I am going to guess that he has a lot of shame and guilt to deal with. That could be a reason there is a damper on your love life. Also, was the affair sexual? If so, he could fear giving you an std. My husband had that fear and was a little tentative at times after the affair.

    • Tiredofitall

      Please someone respond to me. I found this site a couple months ago & am new to posting. I have a couple questions. Look above. Please…I would love some input/advise. I have been doing this on my own for over a year.

    • Tryinghard

      Hi tiredofitall
      Yes I had cancer during the affair. A basal cell with a skin graft. Not life threatening but traumatic for me as it was on my face. Also had knee surgery and I closed my business. I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this by yourself. No I don’t think you should involve your children although I did but mine are adults and one of them was working for his father and the OW as well so he would have found out anyway since I called all the main employees and told them. Had the been teenagers or younger, no I would not have involved them but everyone’s circumstance is different. They figure it out eventually so maybe part of your relationship is honesty with them maybe you should. This is a hard question. Why do you ask about the cancer?

    • Tryinghard

      Hey eyes
      Well I for one have missed you for sure. Since I encouraged you to write the wife I was scared something happened. You should always feel free to speak openly here. I know we’ve been pretty tough on some posters but it’s not done to be mean. There are some pretty smart people here and we are all working toward the same goal. Just because you are a CS you still have the same goals as us. IMO—you are one of the good guys:)

      Hey Doug. Yes he is a handsome guy. Diplomatic to the core:). Lolololol

    • Tiredofitall

      Thanks for the input about the teens. That was my thought. I keep expecting them to ask but they haven’t yet. Someday I’m sure we will have the conversation. I do want to protect them. As for the question about cancer, I ask because I have not seen where anyone mentioned it. I was a year and a half if dealing with breast cancer, a double mastectomy, and a few other reconstructive surgeries. I am curious as to if anyone was in the same boat as me. It has been a lot to deal with.

    • Tryinghard

      Tired
      Yes of course it’s a lot to deal with. Even without the cancer it is all consuming. I will say that I’ve seen a lot of stories where people are going thru life events like cancer where the mate chooses to have an affair. It’s a shitty coping mechanism and makes the hurt even worse but truly it is their shortcomings as humans and not about you. So I guess what I’m really saying is I’m not surprised your husband cheated when you we’re ill and I am sorry. I know how you feel my friend:(

    • Tryinghard

      Oh and the teen question. Teens can’t stand the thought of their parents having sex let alone them having dirty sex outside the marriage. They probably won’t ask you also because they are too wrapped up in their own lives and really don’t want the sordid details. They can’t deal with it…keep your head up and dignity for them and for yourself

    • Tiredofitall

      Thank you so much. Just to have someone listen us comforting. I am fairly certain it wasn’t a physical affair, but not for lack of wanting on my h part I’m sure. It has been a year since the second & final d day and he is a great man. The biggest problem is that he was always a great man. Just a better liar.

    • emotionalrollercoaster

      Just had dinner with my cs. It went well except he went back to his rented room. He said he feels we need to be seperated a month he has been gone 1 week, that means another 3 weeks. He says he doesn’t want to make a rash decision, he needs time to think. I feel like a doormat. He is coming back tomorrow to work in the shop. I want to give him an ultimatum, yet I am scared, I am afraid he is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I don’t want to push him over the edge. Any suggestions, he is still in contact with ow it has been 4 months.

    • Tiredofitall

      Bex & Emotional
      I was just reading the posts above about how your Cs is on the fence. I discovered the ea & immediately called the ow. I did not know her. My husband met her while traveling. She “promised” me woman to woman, Christian to Christian that it would stop. I believed her ( she was SO convincing!) So I did not tell her husband. My husband and I began the difficult job of fixing our marriage but 8 weeks later I discovered they were still in touch. When I had the second d-day, a part of me died. But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? I messaged her, told her her word sucked and to prepare her husband for my call. At that point she begged me not to. I told her to f- off. One big regret I have in this is I didn’t tell the ow h the first time. It stopped immediately after that and true healing began. If you can learn anything from my mistakes, I say tell the Cs’s significant other immediately!

    • emotionalrollercoaster

      Her husband knows he confronted my cs. They have filed for a divorce, she has her husband out of the house.

    • Tiredofitall

      Oh, okay. I’m glad about that. I wish I would have been smarter. Odd how looking back one feels so gullible just because they trusted their spouse.

    • CBb

      In reading everything rear ding the H and OW, it appears it does not truly end until the wife practically leaves or does in fact leave. THEN the H wises up.

      I read the post from gizfield and I had the same marriage. Make life easy for him. I did work and/or took care of everything. Kids, house, money, etc. My H traveled extensively and was in a tough work environment. I was supportive. Okay play golf Saturday no problem. Fine go on the golf weekend with guys. Yes go play basketball every week. I’ll take care of kids.

      You are right he had it easy and too much freedom. Now things have changed and I told my H, if YOU want me to stay with you here are the new rules. No negotiaions. AND if I ever see one inappropriate email or text, no questions asked, we are over.

      I wished I would have stood up to him sooner. He ended it and 2 months later he was back in contact with O W. She called him. He went running back. And how I found out about round 2? I called her one night and she spilled the beans. Wished I would have done that sooner b/c I knew he was not being truthful about her, even the first time around.

      Bex, I am in the same boat as you. Kids the same ages and hard to know what to do. But since it is over for my H and OW I am trying to rebuild. My H goes to therapy on his own. He has made amends every way possible but it took 6 months for this to occur, only after I told him to get out. But b/c I see dramatic changes I am willing to give it a second try. And things are better and improving each week.

      Oh and btw he has no ability to make a claim on any $ I have in my own name. That was part of the deal with me staying with him. And it is in writing.

    • Jrs

      A big part of me also wishes I had confronted the ow’s fiancé. I confronted the ow via email on the first DDay My h sent her an email and copied me saying it was best if they cut ties. I found out through text records 3 months later they never cut it off. At that point, I told him to move out and I threatened to tell her fiancé. My h then caved and started to show signs he had truly ended it.

      The reason I didn’t actually go to her fiancé is that he was a much younger man (as was she) and very rough. A big redneck. I was afraid he’d physically come after my husband and seriously hurt him, so I made the decision not to contact him. It seemed to be enough to threaten it, because I didn’t see any texting or emails between them. However, since they worked together, I know they could have had contact I would never know about.

      After the first DDay, when he said he had stopped communicating with her, I was surprisingly forgiving. People make stupid mistakes and for the sake of our children and family, I was willing to forgive and work to move forward. The last DDay, though, left me shredded. The fact that he didn’t stop and that he basically mocked me by sending her a text to ignore the email where he pretended to cut it off, yet I was worried about his physical safety in telling the fiance…it left me feeling like a joke and I had a very difficult time dealing with it.

      Had I not had the concern about him getting beaten up or worse, I would have most definitely notified the ow’s fiance. No doubt about that.

      • tryinghard

        Hey JR, just for the record, I think you should have let the guy kick his ass!!!

    • Tiredofitall

      I agree! 🙂 when I called the OW’s husband he told me that the only reason he wasn’t going to get ahold of my H & let him have it was out of respect for me and my “situation” (cancer). I told him that if it would help him to PLEASE call my husband & give him a pc. Of his mind! I wish he would have. However, with all due respect, I understand a verbal lashing is much different than a redneck beating!

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