microphoneOnce again it’s our monthly feature where our discussion is completely open to whatever you want to talk about.  This is the fourth time we’ve done this and so far it’s been a pretty popular thing.  For that, we thank you!

So…

  • What’s on your mind?
  • Have any successes to share?
  • The holidays are here.  How are you coping?
  • Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
  • Any good books you’d like to discuss?
  • What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
  • What’s working or not working?
  • Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
  • Any suggestions for future topics?

Please don’t be shy.  If there is anything whatsoever on your mind, please leave a comment below.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

 LINESPACE

    44 replies to "Open ‘Mic’ Discussion #4"

    • Rachel

      Doug and Linda,

      I was just wondering if at all possible you could set up a live chat room?
      Thank you!

      • Doug

        Hey Rachel, During the process of changing the site’s design, I did look at possibly purchasing a chat room plugin. I kind of got side tracked and haven’t completed my research on it though. I will make note of it and do a little more investigating. The problem with chat rooms from what I’ve read is that they require a lot of site resources and may slow the site down considerably (page loading times, etc), which I do not want. But I promise I will look into it more.

    • KelBelly

      Just wondering how many woman were starting or going through menopause during the H’s affair? I am wondering how much of my emotions are from dealing with the affair or dealing with menopause. My marriage has been quite good for a few months and yet I am crying all the time, I am finding myself pulling away from my family, cannot get my thought process straightened out in my head. My business is hurting and I feel like i am losing ground emotionally every day.

      Now since the affair there has been many stresses in my life. My H was in a car accident, my middle child was fighting drug addiction, I lost three beloved pets, we had to have a new septic put in. My oldest son and his girlfriend are pregnant and living with us and this is all on top of living life and trying to run my business and keep up with the demands. And on top of all that, I am dealing with Peri menopause of the worse kind. I cry all the time at least 5 times a day.

      I dont know where my affair recovery is because of dealing with other things. Just wondering if anyone else has had to deal with both at the same time.

      • gracefortoday

        Interesting Kel, you can add my name to this list. During his affair I started having all kinds of “female trouble”. Ultimately I needed two surgeries, and the second was a total hysterectomy. I was suddenly thrown into menopause in the middle of his affair. Hormone replacement was not considered a good option due to family history, so I just dealt with it. I’m pretty sure if I had caught them at the time, I could have beaten both of them nearly to death and the jury would have let me walk. Just kidding! Well not really, ha ha ha.

      • tryingtoowife

        Hi KelBelly – I am a bit late adding my thoughts in here, but here we go.
        I have wondered so many times how much of own personal “changes” has to do with the shock of DDay and PTSD. Thanks for touching on the subject. After the great shock of DDay, and exacerbating the situation, I had almost lost my mother, because of heart problems – I did not have my period for 4 months, and since then I have had erratic periods (3 years+ on), missing sometimes for a couple of months or more. I have read and researched that extreme stress, grief, or emotional upheaval may trigger menopause or menopause symptoms and sometimes this is a temporary menopause. But I really don’t know and could not explain otherwise. It can not be just coincidence, could it? I have no other symptoms (hot flush etc). Am I surprised? Not a bit. Remembering the pain and anxiety felt, it is understandable. I am getting on better with my husband and myself, so I am curious to know if this is it, or my body will change again.

    • Tryinghard

      Kel
      I was going thru menopause during my husbands affair and closed my business. I think it is partly why I didn’t see what was going on right under my nose. One word, hormones. Talk to your doc but just do it. It really helps. You don’t have to stay on them forever. Also are you still in therapy? I went back by my self and it’s helping. I call it my physical therapy for the mind:). When I’m done I feel like I’ve been thru a work out. Lol, I’m on my 4th therapist since all this bullshit started:). How I got thru the first 59 years without one I have no idea!!!! As to you expecting a new grandchild I think what a blessing that will be:). You do have a lot on your plate so no wonder your focus isn’t what it should be.

      I’ve noticed it’s not even so much obsessing about the affair anymore as it is my general outlook on all the other problems that have come along during this recovery and rebuilding. I’m not the same person anymore. Once you get past these initial stages of menopause it does get better. Hang in there sister:)

    • Gizfield

      Kell, from emails I found my husband started pursuing his girlfriend the same month I turned 50 (2008). Our daughter was born two months after my forty fifth birthday(2003), and I had major hormonal problems for a while. We had major flooding in my city when I was 52 (2010), and it’s like my period just stopped suddenly right about that time, probably due to stress. (I know, TMI…) About that time my husband who had promised not to whore around resumed contact with his skank. When the going gets tough, the losers get to cheating. I noticed after the menopause was complete, things got a lot better for me, physically and emotionally. Like I’d had sleep problems for years prior to that. So dont lose hope, it does get MUCH better. :~)

    • Gizfield

      Does anyone on here watch Sons of Anarchy? It’s a motorcycle theme show but one of the main story lines revolves around the “love” of Jax and Tara. I’ve only watched it a short while, but I think they were high school sweet hearts. He’s president of the motorcycle club and shes (or was) a surgeon. She pretty much loses her career, and becomes a motorcycle chick, even commiting crimes. No wonder everyone has such whacked out ideas of love. Jax is a stone cold killer, every time he is out, he ends up killing someone. She has to at least suspect what he really is. It’s extreme but a good example of how people ruin their own lives for “love”. I know I spent 20 years with an alcoholic so I can’t judge anyone or their choices but it makes you think.

      • suzie suffers

        Gizfield….I’ve read you often and went thru the same thing as you….at least married to an alcoholic and chronic pot smoker…..but he was self employed and was very high functioning as an architect (well as high functioning as I thought….he was just a very good liar)…He had this condition for 10 years before meeting me and we had a 30+ year marriagel…..filled in infidelity I suspected but could never prove….UNTIL he got sober and the infidelity, his threats of divorce…moving out and whoring around was just more in the open because it the alcohol and pot wasn’t his crutch anymore for life…..I guess the little whores…including in AA and Alanon were his new supply. He divorced me because I was struggling thru my mom’s cancer treatment and kids with addictions……and his MULTIPLE!!! affairs emotional and physical….most knowledgeable to me during his 5 years sober!!! (the 30 years before I had a “knew” of a number of them but he wouldn’t admit…saying that AA stated it’s better if he doesn’t say anything that could hurt me….I guess whoring doesn’t hurt….just admitting it!!)…So he explained that he was a skirt chaser….chased alot more than he caught….that was pretty much it…..He started another relationship with an Alanon woman before the ink even tried on the submission of the divorce papers….(although I’m pretty sure he was “chasing” another Alanon woman before the divorce submission…but it didn’t work out…she was too classy for him)…so he moved on to the next one….our divorce has been final for a year…he’s been with her for 2 and living with her within a couple months of the divorce being final….BUT…they LOVE each other….just like he LOVED every other woman he was involved with…..including me!!…He’s always been very selfish….thought it was his crazy upbringing by the nut mom he had that got married 12 times by the time he was 17…but professed her religious addiction to the Seventh Day Adventist church!!!!!!!!!!! His Dad left them when he was 2…to marry his cheating whore!!! Stayed married to her for 20 years but cheated on her the whole time too…..and died as an alcoholic…THEY say look at the parents of the person you’re marrying!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW true….Narcissistic Addicted parents produce messed up kids!!!!!!! I got the Narcisstic Addict offspring…….and my biggest regret is the struggles my kids have growing up in the chaotic alcoholic home…(my kids knew more about the cheating during those years than I did…and addiction, but he told them that mommy would leave him if they said anything…so he taught them to LIE at an early age….probably just as he had been taught)… So I’m codependent big time…PTSD big time from the continual narcissistic abuse and am still recovering from the battered woman stockholm syndrome…amazing the power of “love”…..!!??

    • battleborn

      Gizfield,

      I don’t watch SoA, but I agree with what you said. TV almost glamorizes bad issues when it comes to the heart. Not to say there aren’t many shows that are family oriented, but it seems there is a lop-sided amount of programs that promote “bad love.” Case in point – Scandal, one of the highest rated shows on the networks… even the name is, well, a scandal. It is unfortunate that we as a society actually promote such behavior but when approached by the public the answer is almost always, “It sells and people watch it.”

      My question is how many times have the writers had something like this happen to them or have they themselves indulged in an affair themselves. Or perhaps they just don’t care because sex sells. Doesn’t make sense, does it?

      • Healingperson

        Well…

        Jax is going to get what he deserves as Tara finally had an emotional breakdown when she was incarcerated on his behalf and had to leave her kids with her crazy mother-law– She is now out and pretending all is well while she is setting them all up with divorce papers, child custody, and restraining orders.

        Anyway, there is a point in time when enough is enough! I have given my H some grace and taking what he did as a “one-time mistake”. There will NOT be a second. I am either THE WOMAN in his life, or chances are over! Bottom line is that I have nothing else to give in way of grief, and pride.

    • Tabs

      All

      I’m a newbie here. It’s been about 3 years since my Dday. I’m here looking for a way to end the pain. I just wanted to chime in on a couple of the topics.

      My H had his first affair when I started having menstrual problems. I had my period for more than six months, nonstop. After becoming very anemic, I ended up getting hysterectomy. Just to add to the stress, my mother was dying of cancer. Two weeks after my operation, she passed away. My H said that I went a little “crazy”. I came very close to slapping him.

      As for Sons of Anarchy, one of the best episodes occurred in season one. Gemma decided to get revenge on the young girl who slept with Clay. She ended up grabbing a skateboard and smacking it in the girl’s face. I understand that it’s TV show. But that scene did bring a smile to my face.

      Healingperson, what happens when there were two affairs? I just happened to find out about both of them at the same time?

      • Doug

        Welcome Tabs. I hope that you are able to find some relief from your pain here. There are many helpful souls here that can offer you their advice and opinions on things – as well as a bunch of articles and such.

      • Healingperson

        Welcome Tabs,

        In my heart, I know, I could not overlook the second affair. I forgave my husband because I truly believe the EA was a product of his state of mind at the time.

        We are raising three sons. Our 15 year old has Down Syndrome and by the time he was 6 years old, he had 7 surgeries. As a result, we had to sleep in separate beds for almost 5 years. It took a tole on both of us. I am good at seeking out help, girlfriend time, support groups, he was/is not!

        In the past two years he lost 3 people who had a significant impact in his life. 6 months before the EA, I too had a hysterectomy. I pushed him away! I opened the door for her to step in, cause she was there listening and indulging him, while I was not…

        I am not blaming myself for this, just saying, two play the part. So, one time mistake I get it, two times, not so much!

    • Doug

      Totally off topic here, but in case you didn’t read our Friday email, today is a very proud and happy one for Linda and I. Our son graduates from college at 3:00 with a degree in special education. Oh yeah, and he will be moving back home for a while, but after Christmas break our daughters will be moving away to school. That will mark the end of 4 years of estrogen overload here for me and the beginning of testosterone overload for Linda! 😉

      • Healingperson

        Doug,

        I love to hear when young people decide to specialize in areas to help those in need. I have a 15 year old son with Down Syndrome, and Special Ed is a passion of mine. This quarter I have completed the core requirements for a Masters in Special Education. While I am not a teacher, I have been a strong advocate for parents in the same position as myself.

        You and Linda should be very proud of your son!

        • Doug

          Thanks HP. We are indeed very proud of him. In high school he worked in the MH room during his free periods and loved it. He especially likes working with the Down Syndrome and Autistic kids.

      • exercisegrace

        Congrats! That is so awesome. What a great feeling!

        • Doug

          It is indeed. Thanks EG!

    • tryinghard

      Congratulations you two!! I know when my sons graduated college I looked at my husband with a smile and said “I think we are done”! LOL I was so wrong! Again 🙂 Too bad for you the girls won’t be there to take care of their Daddy anymore and lucky Linda to have her son and you to take care of her!!! Great things going on for you guys. I am happy for all of you.

      • Doug

        Hmmm…I can’t seem to remember anytime that my daughters took care of their Daddy, or our son taking care of their Mommy. Maybe that will happen when we’re 80! 😉

        • tryinghard

          LOL Doug 🙂 Didn’t mean for it to sound creepy! I have two sisters and my Dad was a spoiled Dad by his daughters till the day he died. We all adored and respected him. Raising two sons they were always there to help me out with household chores and yard work. Dads are their daughters heros and Moms are their sons first loves (and NOT in a creepy way). My sons were and are very good to me. I loved raising boys 🙂

          • Doug

            Ha! I didn’t think it was creepy at all, it’s just funny because sometimes our kids think Linda and I are their maid and butler. You know how it is! I must say that raising our kids has been pretty easy though. Never any troubles or rebelliousness. They just cost a lot! (especially girls) 😉

        • Strengthrequired

          I have the 6 kids, hopefully one of them will want to look after their dad and I when we are elderly lol.

    • emotionalmess

      I am new, found out 3 1/2 weeks ago about EA. When I discovered it he said he was glad it was out, that he would break it off. He went 3 days nc, he contacted her, I confronted him he said he had a weak moment as his favorite uncle died and he wanted to tell her. He said he told her it was over, nc for 4 more days then he contacted her again another confirmation, I was so upset, the next day he told me that he blocked her number from his phone, I tried to look that up but can’t seem to find it, I am not good with computer. I keep checking phone bill there has been no contact for 6 days now. We have been married 34 years he said he wants to work it out. I still have trust issues.We have been intimate 3 time, today was a good day we went for a ride talked alot. trying to reconnect. He said he would like to sell our house and move to another place we both really like. I am not convinced that he can be over her this soon, will there be another relaspe?

      • Tryinghard

        Emotionalmess
        First I want to say I’m sorry you are here BUT here is the best place to be in your(our) situations. Only 3 weeks out of course you have trust issues and you should. Do not trust him yet. He has given you every reason not to so believe that. Not trusting is not your fault it’s his. He broke the trust and now he has to earn it back. We all have our own stories but all are similar in nature so you might find some comfort and reassurance in reading them. I am 2 plus years out and still don’t fully trust. Keep your ears and eyes wide open. Listen to your gut not what you want to believe. Doug and Linda have wonderful resources here especially at the higher healing level. Read as much as you can get your hands on. Hang in there. Cyber hugs to you. You will get through this—eventually:)

    • Strengthrequired

      Doug and Linda, congrats on having your son return home, and as well for the career path he wishes to take. Yay for your daughters moving away too.
      My son returned home to me, and is waiting to get into the police force, as he has some more study to do first before he can apply here. His dream is the federal police. I admire what career path he has chosen, but to be honest, I’m a little worried too. He has wanted to be a police officer ever since he was 5yrs old.

      • Doug

        That’s awesome that he has chosen a career path that he’s dreamed about since childhood. Do you think it’s too late for me to be a major league baseball player?

        • Strengthrequired

          Nooooo, go for it lol.

          I was actually hoping he would change his mind. He said one day though if he was unable to get into the police force he wanted to do fire fighting.

    • Broken2

      Congrats Doug and Linda!!!! I have an autistic daughter…Special Ed teachers are my heros.

      • Doug

        Thanks Broken. I was not aware that you have an autistic daughter.

    • Strengthrequired

      I have been thinking about how I now feel about the ow that wreaked havoc on my life and my families life two years ago now and how much I have changed towards her considerably since first finding out about her and my h.
      I have to admit the first time I found out I wanted to rip her heart out and shove it down her throat , ( although I would never do such a thing, as it was just a pleasant thought at the time). I had hate for this ow, such disgust at the beginning, and if I admit it even after the year mark I still harboured some hate towards her. I had let this ow into my thoughts on a daily basis, I wanted her out of my life, out of my head, but I kept letting her in my thoughts.
      Now I don’t know about you lovely ladies and gents, but having this person invade my thoughts was not healthy.
      Now I won’t take on all the blame of having this person in my mind, I need to give ownership to my cs, he helped keep her there, because of the contact he had with her and the lies he kept feeding me.
      Although I had these feelings of imaging her suffer the same fate as what she bestowed upon me but worse, they did begin to fade, only because the last point back in February, I decided to let go of my h if he wasn’t going to let go of her, for my sanity I too had decided that I needed to let go of her invading my mind. So I chose to decide every time a thought of her came into my head, I would not let it consume me, I would change my thinking to something else, such as, I am a good person, I love my husband, he loves me. I had to change the focus from her and him, back to me and my husband and our family.
      I have noticed over time she didn’t invade my thoughts, i also don’t harbour hate for her anymore, I don’t like her as a person, but I don’t hate her, I feel sorry for this ow, I’m sad for her, I still wish her happiness well away from my h and my family, I wish her happiness with someone that is not attached. I hope she begins to see the error of her ways and begins to be a role model in a good way for her children.
      Yet this is not the reason for my post, the reason for my post is I feel like I have come far to this point, where I had such deceit thrust upon me, yet here I am still standing, and this ow doesn’t get anymore time to raid my mind with doubts about myself and the reasonings behind why she chose to try and ruin my life, my h and children’s life, those reasons mean nothing to me anymore, trying to understand someone who would do that to a family is useless and it just has you bang your head against a brick wall, when you have dignity and morals on your side. Taking the focus off of her was the best thing I could have done, I needed to let her out of my mind for me to gain more ground to being me again.
      A happier me. The only way this ow will get time in my mind again is if I let her, if she does sneak back into my head I will change my thought into something more beneficial and time worthy.
      Now I would hope that I would feel the same way if she had ended up with my h, if my h had chose her, yet I’m not quite sure because my children would have had to associate with her on a regular basis, so I think it may have had to be work in process and more time given to get to the point I am, so it definitely helped that my husband chose wisely.
      Yet I have to say, I am proud of myself…. And I thank everyone here for helping me get to this point too.

    • Strengthrequired

      Can I just say, it feels really good knowing that I have control over my thoughts now, that unless invited she is not welcome in my mind. I feel a great sense of relief because I never thought this day would come where I didn’t have her destroying my brain cells, because I hated sharing the same headspace as the ow.

      • Doug

        That’s really awesome SR. You have every right to be proud!

        • Strengthrequired

          Thank you Doug, you and Linda need to pat yourselves on the back too you know, as you both and everyone here helped more than you realise. Hugs to the both of you.

    • Tabs

      SR,

      I feel like I’m half way to where you are now. I may not think about the OW everyday, but there are triggers that make me relive the events. The thoughts are so consuming, that I it’s very difficult (if not impossible), to get them out. I try to dive into work, but this approach usually fails. How do you manage to block the uninvited thoughts?

      Also, what do I do if my H doesn’t want to go to marriage counseling? He’s flat out said “NO” to any kind of therapy. I can’t even get him to talk about the affairs.

      • Strengthrequired

        Tabs, This is the process I went through to get to where I am now. And let me just say, my husband refused counselling too, so it was upto me to start the process of getting my husband back. So I searched websites, looking at ways to save my marriage etc, until it found here, I kept following my own judgement, and how much I believed in my marriage and the love my husband had for me.

        1/ finding out about the affair and hearing about his loss of love for me and his gained love for the ow in just a few short weeks. Amazingly enough I felt it in my heart that he always loved me, he was just not himself and was being manipulated while he was in a depression/midlife crisis. So I had to prove to him, how wrong he was. That was my goal.
        2/ we separated a few days after I found out about his new love, and we’re apart for a month. Although hard to be apart, I gave him his space so he could think. Yet the ow was not so accommodating to his needs, which I guess ended up being the start of her downfall.
        3/he moved back home, yet the ow kept causing dramas and trying to pull him away from me, so his emotions were still very unstable. Here I was being the strength for him to keep getting him to find himself again, he was lost, unfortunately I was trying to be strong for myself too, yet seemed to be failing miserably, then gaining ground every so often.
        4/after several ddays, and several attempts for me to leave, my husband slowly showed me that he was improving, he was becoming himself again, he was although still in contact with the ow, her hold was wearing thin, his eyes were opening, so although it was tough on me, and although I wanted to just leave and had attempted several times due to his inability to let her go, he would stop me from leaving, wanting me to trust in him, that he needed time, he needed her to leave him , as he needed it to come from her. You see she is a cousin of his that’s where my story somehow was different from others here. He had to deal with her family manipulating him and what fallout would happen if he was the one to hurt her, he had promised to help her as she needed help due to separating from her husband, yet her family had decided to help her attach herself to my husband, yet it was his name that was now at risk, even though he did not intend on being out in such a position, yet they knew he was in a vulnerable state, and used it for their advantage, not his, mine or his children’s advantage. It might sound like I was gullible, yet when I put myself in his position, I could see where he was coming from. So I tried to remain strong and trust what I could.
        5/ a break through, we moved for my sanity well away from the ow, so I thought.
        He was still not quite himself, yet had many plans for our future which was very enlightening to hear. We had moved away from my family, my friends, the home we had our children in together, we left two of our children as well as one needed to stay for work and the other to finish school, it was his last year, yet unfortunately my husbands work our business is where we lived, so now he had to travel to work several hours, yet due to financial obligations, he had to, he had to repair the damage caused by the ea, which had affected all areas of our life. So although hard I had to try and overcome the constant time he was away, and as you know while you are trying to recover from an affair of any sort it is hard, and it really requires inner strength, and it actually forces you to see more clearly on what you want.
        6/ after several meltdowns, and constant chest pains and anxiety, which I had lived with for several months of this nightmare, I could see my health was not getting better since our move, if anything I felt worse. After several more ddays, at the year mark, I had decided that I had given my all, I had proven to him, I have shown him that I love him, I always have, yet I had finally felt it was time. I had felt I needed to let go of my h, because he was unable to follow through with his word to me, yes he kept saying he would and how sorry he was etc, but I now needed him to truly put his best foot forward and prove it. I had let him know that I had found a place to go and to take our children, I let him know that yes I loved him, I always would, yes I would be there for him, I wanted him happy, if he was unable to find that complete happiness with me, then I hoped he found it with her, because I was done waiting, I was done trying to fight for a marriage, my husband, when he clearly did not want to fight for it too. I told him that he needed to let me go and to stop holding onto me, because I needed to be happy too, I needed to find someone that would treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I needed him to know that when I move he had to give me time to recover from all the hurt, so he needed to not contact me for a while. I told him that once I am stronger, I would call him and let him know where we are, and he could see his children, but he needed all of us to heal for his betrayal. I also made the decision that I no longer wanted her in my head, I needed to be free so I needed to work on that process of ridding her, as she had more power over me than I realised. At this same time, I came searching the internet and found here. Linda and Doug, if it wasn’t for their site, I think I would not have made such progress. I learned more about these ea, and how eerily similar they are, absolute craziness, to think you are the only one that feels this sadness and heartache, then when you find out that you aren’t alone, it is such a huge relief.
        7/ breakthrough, my husband had finally done what he should have done long before this. The ow would visit him at work and plead with him to leave me and his children. He turned to her and told her, “no I am not leaving my wife, my children, my family for you”. His emotional state began to be less fragile, it is like a light beamed from within his soul and showed him the way. Yes she tried again to contact him, he had not responded. She sent him photos of herself two months later, I guess to say look at me, look what your missing. Probably her last ditch effort to rekindle their sick relationship. Yet he didn’t bite.
        8/ as for me, I started looking at more self help, and positive thinking, and started to use that to my advantage, if I thought of her, I would force myself to think of something positive, and eventually it slowly began to feel less work. Now I used to think of her constantly, it drove me nuts, so to come to a point where any stray thought that pops into my head is easily turned to something positive, like how my husband and I are now, how my children are happier, we now have one son back home, due to finishing school, business is improving again and progress has been made financially. Still a way to go, but progress is progress. I can see that light at the end of the tunnel getting brighter and brighter. I keep feeding positive thoughts to my husband too, because I know that, what she brought into our lives was a lot of negativity, and once negativity starts taking hold it takes a lot to move back to thinking in a positive way. So it really does take time. Yet I hold onto each step forward made as a step of progression, and now any step back I see that it is just that, a minor step that can be overcome. After what I have been through, after seeing what my husband has been through, we truly made a huge leap into the right directions, with just minor setbacks in between. At the time it didn’t feel like that, but looking back that is exactly what it was.
        8/ as i said we still have a bit more to overcome, and even if it doesn’t work, we both have grown, we both know what it is like to lose each other and didn’t like it, yet we know we can still be there for each other, still be close without any regrets.
        As for the ow, he now sees what she is, and I know he has no respect for her, he also has no respect for her family now either, he sees the role they took in all our problems. I know he still beats himself up about what has happened, but he is working so hard to repair all the damage and get us back on our feet.
        9/so here I am at this point in my life where I have no regrets, I am still in the process of finding myself, I am stronger, I am happier than what I have been for a long long time, my husband is still away most days, yet I don’t stress about it, because I believe in him, I have seen the changes in him, and most of all that instinct I had when he was still seeing her was right, so i trust my instinct now when it tells me he isn’t, which is proving to be right. I believe I trust him, as he has earned that from me. If I didn’t become more positive I think I would have still been a mess.

    • Tabs

      Thanks SR for your insight. I don’t think I’m as strong as you. I still feel pain and bitterness when I see the OW. I get so upset that I shake from the adrenalin. Thankfully I don’t see the OW very often.

      I’m still hurting and my H is just fine. So, I don’t know where to go from here, especially since my H won’t go to counseling.

    • Strengthrequired

      Tab, to be perfectly honest with you it took a long time for me to get where I am, and honestly I didn’t think I would ever get here. It took a long time for my husband to start helping me with our marriage, even when he did start it was like a half hearted effort, yet I took it and ran with it. When my husband moved back home, and if I dare say even while he was still my husband, I had the upper hand over her. While he was back home living with me, I had more of an upper hand. I guess that’s why she had to resort in making me look bad every chance she took, why she had to give sob stories to him to keep him feeling sorry for her, which kept him emotionally attached. Which honestly in the end if you are going to be something you are not it just can’t be kept up, so it ended up biting her in the ass, eventually.
      Trust me, I had never felt so much hate towards another person, as much as I did the ow, I couldn’t understand why someone would deliberately try and hurt another person, need alone try and break a family. I could not get her out of my head, every conversation I had with my husband had to be about her, and ask questions about the ea, yet that’s all I could think of. I couldn’t just concentrate on us, it always came back to her and us. It was making me crazy, no one can live like that, it is too emotionally draining.
      That’s why I had to change, it wasn’t for my h, it was for me, my children, they needed their mother to be ok, and the way it was going if something happened to me, it makes me shutter to think who would be raising my children now.
      I never believed I was strong, I actually believed that I must be weak because I stayed and let myself be humiliated and treated with such disrespect, I couldn’t really understand the driving force of why I stayed and why I just didn’t walk away from my h as soon as I found out. I felt out of control with my emotions, I honestly didn’t have a clue on how I was going to fix our marriage, how I was going to recover from this pain, how I was going to live without my husband if he didn’t find his way back to me, I had no clue. I just felt that I needed to fight for my marriage, I had to do it for my husband, my children and myself, whether it worked or not, I had to try. I was in such pain, I didn’t know the right answers, and trust me I made some wrong moves, choices at times, but I kept getting back up. Just the whole idea of having this ow first take my husband, then take my children and live my life in place of me, I guess that was enough driving force to fight my darnedest to not allow that to just happen, so I guess that is where you find your strength.
      Your courage to fight for your family and not allow some ow just waltz right in and take what doesn’t belong to her, what she doesn’t deserve.
      So when you say to me you don’t think you are strong enough, look at me, I too didn’t think I had the strength to get to the other side of this, whether with or without my husband, I wanted him to see me, I expected him to see me, and I never expected that it was going to drag on as long as it did, and is never expected that he would ever in his life do to me what he did, after twenty years of marriage, but it did happen.
      You find strength within yourself.you never realised you had, and given time, you either see improvements with your marriage or you don’t, but either way, you see yourself grow, you see yourself stronger than you ever thought, because you did come out the other side, and as a much more stronger and wiser.
      Just so you know strength is something you will notice more and more as time moves forward. You will see the strength you have inside more once you see yourself moving forward with your life, and not stuck in the same spot day after day.
      You will see the strength you have once the pain has started to not hurt so much, and you can look forward to your future which ever way it turns out.
      When I had my first miscarriage, I felt that my life had ended, I thought the pain was just so unbearable, I blamed myself, then a few months later I lost twins through miscarriage, well I truly just wanted to give up on life. I had two beautiful boys at homes, yet I blamed myself that much, that I must not have deserved these beautiful little angels, that maybe I did something wrong, I was grief stricken, and just couldn’t seem to move forward. I didn’t ever think that I was strong enough to get through the heartache I was feelings, each day was hard to breathe, I just didn’t want to lose the memory of feeling those little babies inside me, I didn’t want to forget about them, I felt guilty if I was happy, so I would snap myself out of the happy moments because I felt as though I was doing my angels a misjustice, that they thought I had forgotten about them. Yet as days went by, one month turned into one year to ten years, I realised that I still think of them, I still love them, but I can breathe again, I don’t feel so guilty, even though I found out I had a blood clotting disorder, that had my body unable to feed my unborn babies. It took time, to realise that it was not my fault, and that I won’t ever forget them, even though I was so scared I would.
      So what I am trying to say, is when you least expect that you have strength to keep moving forward, you one day wake up and realise that it is another day, another year and you made it tot he other side. Trust me when I say this, one day this pain you are feelings, all these memories that keep invading your mind, will become a distant memory, and you will see that you did have that strength all along.

      Hugs to you and I wish you all the best

    • Tabs

      SR,

      Thanks so much for your support and positive attitude.

      • Strengthrequired

        I hope I have helped in some way Tabs, I just don’t want you to feel like your alone in what you are feeling. It takes time to pick yourself back up, especially when your trying to pick someone else up at the same time.
        Thanks to Doug and Linda, we have a place here to come and get advise, support, or even just an ear, an outlet for you to lean on, when you need to get something off your chest, from those that have been and are going through the same as you. Also helps when a cs comes in and gives you an insight on the behaviours and thinking of a cs. Honestly the I out from a cs, may seem confronting at first, but it really helps to understand the other side.
        Hang in there….

    • KelBelly

      First off, Congrats on your sons graduation Doug & Linda.What an awesome career to get into. Second, thank you for the replies everyone. Sorry for my delay in getting back to reply. I have been on a huge emotional rollercoaster. I lost my only daughter some years ago and since then hoped that one day I would have a DIL that I would be close to like a daughter.

      My sons GF is pregnant and they are living with us as my son is dealing with some medical issues right now and missing a lot of work. My sons girlfriend is very broken from her past and seems to not think before she sais things and often makes me feel like I am not as important in the babies life as her mother and grandmother. With this treatment has brought anger and heartbreak with the realization that I will never share that bond with my daughter or her.

      On top of all this, we are coming up on the holidays and the time frame that my H had his EA. Most times I feel very good about where we are at but for some reason, i am feeling very insecure about us on top of everything else and I am not sure where this is coming from. H has been great and has done nothing for me to believe he is anything but committed to our marriage. I can see why woman in the past have loved Valium lol!! Thank you for listening to my ramble.

      • Doug

        KelBelly, Don’t give up on your DIL too soon. I’m guessing she is quite young and just doesn’t appreciate nor understand the big picture just yet. If she is living with you she will soon notice how important and invaluable you are to her and her child.

    • KelBelly

      I am sure you are right Doug. I think it is just a hard time of the year for this to all be happening.

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