It’s time to discuss what’s going on, share your struggles, your successes and support each other.
By Linda & Doug
If you’re new here or just need a reminder, the Open Mic discussion is your chance to call the shots and bring up whatever’s on your mind. This is where you get to decide what we talk about – whether it’s asking questions, sharing your story, or just needing to vent a little.
We love hearing from you because not only does it get everyone’s input, but it also gives us ideas for future posts and topics to dive into. So, thank you!
Alright, with that said, the floor is yours! Let’s hear what’s on your mind.
Feel free to discuss anything…
- What’s on your mind?
- What are you struggling with?
- Have any success stories to share? Big or small. (We especially want to hear some of these!)
- Wanna share any lessons you’ve learned recently?
- Got a question? Ask it.
- Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
- Any good books you’d like to discuss?
- What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
- What’s working or not working?
- Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
- What has your spouse done lately that really pisses you off?
- What has your spouse done lately to make you really happy?
- Tell us a little about yourself.
- Everything and anything is on the table for discussion!
Please don’t be shy. If there is anything whatsoever on your mind, please leave a comment below. And please reply to each other in the comments, as each person leaving a comment is not an isolated incident.
Thanks!
Linda & Doug
19 replies to "Open “Mic” #48 – What’s On Your Mind?"
Hi Linda and Doug,
It’s been 9 months since D day and while my husband has said he wants to save our marriage, build trust, “for us to be better” he’s done nothing different. He has stopped talking to the coworker he was flirting with but there were issues that caused distrust long before he met her and escalated. I’ve asked for him to participate in your program, he agreed but always finds excuses not to read through the material, I’ve asked for some changes in his behavior like not taking his phone where I can’t see or not talking with co workers about anything non work related. Asking him to talk gets no response. What do I do if it feels like he doesn’t actually want to work on our marriage or even himself?
First off, I just want to say how sorry I am that you’re feeling stuck and frustrated. It seems like your husband’s words say one thing, but his actions—or lack of them—are speaking a whole different story. And honestly, that disconnect between words and actions is a huge red flag. Saying he wants to save the marriage but not doing anything about it is like saying you want to get in shape but never hitting the gym. It just doesn’t work. One of the hardest parts of affair recovery is that it requires both partners to be actively involved. You’re putting in the effort—trying to set boundaries, asking for transparency, looking for real change—but he’s dragging his feet. That’s not fair to you. It’s frustrating, and I know it’s painful, especially because you’re doing all you can to move forward. It’s not unreasonable at all to ask for boundaries and more openness. That’s part of rebuilding trust. The fact that he’s resisting something so simple as leaving his phone in view, or cutting out personal talk with coworkers, might indicate deeper issues. It’s possible he’s still struggling to face the reality of what he’s done and what he needs to do to fix it. The hard truth is that you can’t force him to work on himself or your marriage, but you can set expectations and boundaries for what you need in order to continue. It’s okay to say, “I need to see real change, not just promises.” You deserve to feel safe and reassured, and if he’s unwilling to step up, that’s something you’ll need to address head-on.
Thank you Doug, after I wrote that I had talked to my husband about needing to see change. He agreed and then later that night I caught him looking at porn. I immediately asked for him to begin covenant eyes on his devices. He agreed. I’ve also asked again for no phones where I can’t see or even putting his phone down completely and making sure when I go to bed he does too. No more being alone in the other room at night. I hate to feel like a hall monitor but it’s hard to even think of building trust when he is able to go right back to deceiving, attempting to keep secrets or not think of how his choices effect me or us. He has agreed to work through the program and installed convenient eyes on his devices for accountability. I just don’t know if I’m fighting a losing battle here.
It’s been 6 months since DDay. I found messages but then husband came clean and admitted everything (messaging, phone calls and they slept together twice). I knew something was wrong as he was so unhappy and seemed depressed in the 3/4 months his affair was going on with his co-worker. It’s since come out that this isn’t the first time she has done this so is a repeat offender who seems to worm her way in on the friend card (she also has a long term bf) and seems very manipulative. She has also threatened me since discovery, without my knowledge just cowardly said it to my husband, who had to get nasty in the end for her to leave him alone.
Husband seems genuinely sorry and remorseful for his actions. He struggles to talk about it as it breaks him as to what he’s done. If I ‘forget’ what’s happened then things between us are great and he’s really trying to be open and transparent. The problem is I can’t ‘forget’ and I’m so terrified it’ll happen again. I never thought I’d ever be in this position. I always thought I’d be strong enough to walk away if anyone betrayed me but I just know that isn’t him and the whole episode was totally out of character. How did he let it get so far if he genuinely did love me the whole time as he states? I just can’t get my head around how you get to the point of having sex with someone else when you claim that’s not what you were looking for or what you wanted to happen?
How do you begin to trust again and believe what the cheating spouse is saying to you?
Ugh, I totally get it. It’s like, “How the hell did I even get here?” You thought you’d be the one to just pack up and walk if this ever happened, but then it hits you, and you’re stuck in this weird limbo. You love him, he’s sorry, and it’s all messed up because he says he loved you the whole time. It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact that he still let it go that far. And trust? Yeah, that’s not just gonna magically reappear. I hate when people say you just have to “forget” about it. How can you forget when your whole world flipped upside down? You’re not supposed to forget! It’s about figuring out how to live with it, and seeing if he’s actually putting in the work to make things better. You’ve got to let yourself feel everything, and let him show you through his actions if he’s really all in now. But don’t ignore your gut just to make things easier for him. Trust will take time, and you have every right to question everything right now. Just take it one day at a time and don’t push yourself to “get over it” before you’re ready.
Hi Linda and Doug, my husband has always been reluctant to talk about his affair and trickle-truthed for about three years, before refusing to talk about it any more, despite my plea for honesty bro help me process and heal from his year long physical and emotional affair. I tried to heal, he had told me about 90% of what went on, telling myself that it’s in the past (it was over in 2019) but the lying and correcting and defensiveness drove me to the point of just wanting to see him be finally open and fully honest, tell the whole story and just prove to me that the lying was over. He did this a week ago, but still pretty grudgingly and because he felt after all this time the future is more important and hearing more would pie back to square one. At least he has told his story. For five years, I think because of not knowing everything, I have obsessed with the details daily since DDay. I give his former AP far too much headspace (I never knew or saw her, I still don’t know what she looks like or where she is) because I know she was 17 years younger than me and him, from another European country than ours and very physically fit and pretty. (He told me that.) I know he wants our marriage and loves me, we both desperately want this to work, but I just want the images and overthinking gone.
He says that now l know everything he wants it gone, he only wants to focus on the future and can’t live with it hanging over him or being reminded about the terrible thing he did, and my overthinking and his fear of me bringing it up again will drive him away. How do I get rid of the overthinking after five years of it, and stop the pain of the images and triggers? Thank you for all the things you post, you are both so helpful and I am very grateful.
I hear you, and it makes total sense that after years of uncertainty and trickle truth, those obsessive thoughts and images have stuck with you. Even though you’ve now heard the whole story from him, the emotional toll doesn’t just go away overnight. Your mind has been on overdrive trying to fill in the gaps, and it’s understandable that the intrusive thoughts are still there. The fact that you’re consciously telling those thoughts to go away is progress, but it’s going to take time for your brain to retrain itself after being in survival mode for so long.
Your husband is clearly wanting to focus on the future, but for you, the past is still very present in your mind. That’s a tough place to be. The pain and images might stick around for a while, but slowly shifting your focus to building something new and stronger together can help lessen their grip over time. Be kind to yourself during this process. Healing isn’t linear, and it’s okay to still feel stuck sometimes. It’s great that you’re both committed to making the marriage work—lean on that as you rebuild. Those obsessive thoughts won’t always have the same power over you, but it will take patience, understanding, and a lot of work on both sides. Keep focusing on the progress, not just the pain.
Thank you so very much Doug, I am so grateful that you have taken the time to help me and not judged him for being reticent over time or me for waiting so long.
Much of what I read tells me that unless he is fully ‘broken’ and completely willing to tell all, that he is not a safe partner for me and that I should not try to reconcile before he is. This has been hard, as for two years he was never willing to just talk and was not always truthful.
I have internally shamed myself for not setting boundaries and being patient and allowing him so much time to step up, but our great forty years together and the changes he has made since DDay always told me not to throw it all away and wait until he could. It was not easy but I’m glad I never gave up.
I shall now try to focus on us rather than his time with her. Thank you again for taking the time to help a stranger in pain.
You’re very welcome! The fact that you didn’t just bail after two years of him not talking or being fully truthful shows how deeply you value your relationship, and that’s huge. A lot of people would’ve walked, but you held on because you saw something worth fighting for, and that’s not easy. Keep following your instincts and go at a pace that feels right for you. You’re doing what works for your marriage, and that’s what matters most. Hang in there!
Linda and Doug, Your insights and honesty have helped me so much. My husband of 40 years finally somewhat acknowledged what I’ve know for years and apologized that he hurt me, and reassured me those were not his intentions. He did not acknowledge any wrong-doing on his part.
The first time was 23 years ago, next was 7 years ago, and finally two years ago. I believe these were all emotional affairs, but he won’t admit that was the case, and I believe he can’t admit do anything wrong. When I finally pried an apology from him, it always was about the fact that he was sorry that I was hurting. He lied to me for 28 years about the first one, until finally a year ago the story changed, and this time he was “telling me the truth”. Unfortunately, the new version was very hard to believe. Honestly, I was hard to keep a straight face.
The most recent incident was about a year ago when we were selling our home. I’ve sold three of our homes and handled the purchase of the new homes. This was the case here, until I noticed was was no longer included on text message, calls, emails, etc. My husband, who is tech savvy, said he didn’t know who that happened! My husband and this women logged over 1280 text messages and 1000 call minutes in 30 days. As a point of reference, we moved out of state last month, I traveled to see a home, negotiated the price, purchased the home, and sold our current home. I logged a total of 45 text messages with two realtors, and approximately 75 call minutes. Come on! I also discovered as soon as I would leave the house, he “had a question” for her that required text messages and calls. He still will not admit that he was emotionally invested in her. His explanation was that it was a very difficult transaction. There was nothing unusual about this transaction.
I am not perfect, nor do I pretend to be, but I now believe he was not the person that I thought he was. I had so much respect and admiration for him. For 30 some years I prayed that I could be more like him. My heart aches daily, and my mind plays through all the lies and betrayal almost every night. This has overshadowed all the good times we had together. His suggestion is to only think about the good times, and forget everything else.
I asked him to go to counselling 3 years ago, his response was that he didn’t have a problem because he has moved past it, it’s my problem because I won’t let go, and I need to figure that out for myself.
Any advise or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Lisa, it sounds like you’re stuck in a loop of pain and frustration, especially with your husband’s refusal to fully own up to what happened. It’s incredibly tough when someone offers an apology that doesn’t actually acknowledge the wrongdoing. It feels very hollow I’m sure. It’s no wonder you’re struggling with trust and feel like you’re questioning everything, even who he really is.
As we know, emotional affairs can be just as damaging as physical ones, and the fact that he’s downplaying it probably adds to your frustration. I talk with people all the time who justify their actions by minimizing them or denying the emotional connection altogether. His response of “it’s your problem” is a classic defense mechanism as he’s trying to avoid dealing with the pain he’s caused, but that doesn’t help you heal. You deserve to be heard and to have your pain validated. Counseling could be a step in the right direction for you, whether or not he’s willing to go. Healing can still happen, but it starts with your needs being a priority, not just brushing things under the rug.
Hi,
I’ve only just discovered my partner of almost six years sending intimate messages to an ex colleague he used to flirt with. This only happened om Sunday September 29th, so it’s extremely fresh.
I’m so hurt. He’d spent last night at an Airbnb because he couldn’t being in the same house as me, knowing what he did was wrong. He came back today, we’ve said we’re going to try relationship counselling but he knows I can’t forgive him or trust him at the moment.
He says he wants to earn my trust and forgiveness but I don’t know what he needs to do and how much of a fight he is willing to put into the relationship.
He says it’s the first and only time that he has done this, but in the past he would lightly flirt with his online female friends. I found out and he was upset with me for finding out. This is hurt on another level.
My worry is going forward; I want to have a future with him, but this pain is so difficult and I’m scared that he might do this in future.
I know we can talk things out with counselling and I’m going to my hometown this weekend (we were supposed to go together then this happened) to see friends and family. He says he’s scared of losing me and I’m scared of getting betrayed again.
My head’s all over the place and I’m sorry if this feels like rambling. I’m trying to keep a rational, strong and mature approach to this – despite me being 37 and he is 50. I have to be the strong one. I can’t.
Please let me know what do I do or say or feel between now and when we start counselling? I’m trying to have normal talks with him about everyday things, but it’s also killing me.
Please help.
Alia, I’m really sorry for what you’re going through right now. I realize this is all really raw, so it’s completely understandable that your head is all over the place right now. Counseling is a good start, but until that happens, it’s okay to let yourself feel all the emotions you’re experiencing – hurt, confusion, anger, and fear. The key is to give yourself space to process everything without feeling like you have to have all the answers right now – or make any life changing decisions. It’s normal to not know how much of a fight he’s willing to put into the relationship or if you’ll ever trust him again. This isn’t something you can rush or force. If it were me, I’d take your trip to your hometown as a breather. Spend time with people who love and support you. Right now, it’s about focusing on your needs.
Hi guys , my partner was cheating on me with one guy and had an emotional affair with her “best friend ” this went on for a year or so, every time we had a fight she called him and he came immediately, this would be 10 , 11 at night and they would go to the bar. She swore no sex . But they ‘cuddled’ on her couch and slept a couple times. She also insinuated she was goona fuck him often. We broke up, and she took pics with them kissing too. I got back together with her, she admitted the affair was emotional and the other one. She also won’t show me her phone now, even though I agreed for a time. My problem is she now said it wasn’t an affair ! And I ‘bullied’ her is why she said it. She also has looked at my phone often, I offer it to her anytime to show trust. Now she says she doesn’t trust me! She won’t even tell me the names of a couple.she is still talking to that she had a threesome with while.we were broke up! She said it’s not my business. I am at a loss because all her hiding is making me nervous and worried and this is manifestation In fights
After i asked her the couped name, she immediately asked Me a bunch of question’s to which I immediately answered and showed proof. She still won’t tell me and when she asked to see my phone I gave it and asked for hers.and she.said I was crossing her boundary and asking inappropriate questions! She said she has to ask the couple if it’s ok to tell me their names! And won’t share her convo since we have.been together, yet has no problem asking me for them, I don’t know what to do!
It sounds like you’re really stuck in a tough spot, and I get why you’re feeling frustrated. When someone refuses to be open and holds you to a different standard, it’s no wonder your trust is shaky. A relationship without transparency is a breeding ground for anxiety and conflict. You’ve been more than willing to show her your phone, but she’s dodging that same level of openness—and that’s a big deal. At the end of the day, this kind of imbalance is going to keep eating away at things. You need to have a clear conversation about boundaries and what real trust looks like between you two. If she keeps hiding behind excuses, you’ve got to ask yourself if this relationship is good for you.
My husband and I a trying to save our marriage after his physical and emotional affair that resulted in a baby who is 2 months old and having multiple health issues. How do we navigate through healing our marriage and limit contact with the affair partner. She will not allow me to be around the baby even having me stopped from being in the hospital . My husband seems to be trying to play both sides. He confessed to still emailing her up until September. He says it was to get her let him have something to do with this baby but I feel it is be. I don’t know what to do and he is not wanting to do therapy. I keep trying to do the right things for the baby but I am sacrificing my own security and boundaries to do this. I need help.
My husband of 48 years told me he had a “very physical”, almost two year affair with the ex-wife of his friend almost 30 years ago. He transferred, temporarily, to a new town, and would travel home every few weeks. The home visits decreased as the job required him to be in the new town on a full time basis. He said he was lonely, and she and her three sons were the only friends he had. He had an unlimited expense account at this new job, and took her to the best restaurants, shows, plays, parks, and concerts. He also slept with her at her house and at his rental house. I finally moved to the new town with our two sons after my father died. Our relationship was strained, and he began drinking heavily and staying out late 4-6 times a week. I told my oldest son, we should have stayed in our old house, as we rarely saw his father in our new location. Things did not improve, as I became both mother and father for the boys. I did all of the boy scout trips, school field trips, vacations and weekend get trips only with the boys. He was busy with his job or with social events. My husband became very ill about 15 years later and required that I take a leave of absence from my job to care for him. He fully recovered. Three years ago, our younger son, a officer in the military, passed away from a bad reaction to the covid vaccine. We were both distraught with grief. While dealing with the loss of our son, 9 months ago, he told me about his almost 2 year affair, all the wonderful places he took her, his frequent sexual activities and that he loved her and she loved him. She broke it off with him shortly before I moved to the new town and he reacted very poorly to the break up. We never went to a restaurant or play or show, together, as a husband and wife. There were infrequent events out, but only with business associates. I do not know what to do now. We are not, “spring chickens, and I am trying to recover from the traumas in my life. There are many triggers in so far as places they went, that don’t feel comfortable going to. How can he make up for over 30 years of neglect and hurt. Please help!!!
Lori, I’m very sorry for all that you have been through. There’s no quick fix for this, and no way to rewind and rewrite those years, but you do have control over what comes next. It’s possible to reclaim your voice and your boundaries in the relationship now, and it’s okay to let him know what you need to even consider moving forward. This could mean therapy—individually and as a couple—because you need a space to work through these intense emotions, and he needs to understand the depth of the damage he’s caused if he truly wants to support you. Therapy may help him begin to grasp how deeply his choices hurt you and continue to affect you. Also, it’s fair to ask him to share his efforts in helping you through this—not just with words but with actions that show he’s committed to making amends, even if it’s a long road. This might look like him making an effort to be present, show genuine care, and take on responsibilities he’s previously neglected. His job now is to help you feel secure and valued, and this might involve stepping up in ways he never has before.
After my husband of over 25 years attended a funeral of a high school friend he reconnected with a married woman he went to high school with. He stayed in her hotel room getting drunk with her while away at the funeral. There was another female with her in the hotel room. My husband admitted she would lick/bite her lips each time they made eye contact at the funeral. He said it gave him an ego boost. They continued to communicate after he returned home. On May 26 I discovered very flirty WhatsApp messages between the two of them. My husband wished her “good morning” at 7:20am. She told my husband she has always and a “thing and a want” for him. She invited him to meet her in June in Austin and said he could stay with her at her hotel. He accepted the invitation. They continued to message each other until after midnight. I took pictures of their conversation and confronted him a couple of days later. He apologized and admitted he was involved in an inappropriate conversation. This has absolutely devastated me. Throughout June whenever I tried to talk about it or he would see me crying, he would yell at me and tell me I was crazy, insane and jealous of this woman. He swore to God and on our kids lives he was not communicating with her anymore. Later in June I logged into our AT&T account. They were still communicating. It was all a lie. She was sending him text messages the day I logged into the account. He has blocked her now. He finally removed her from fb and IG, while acting mad at me. He told me he only did it to keep me from being mad. We are in marriage counseling now. He now claims it was insignificant, and he had no feelings towards this woman. Which I find hard to believe. He put a lot of effort into lying and keeping this relationship a secret for two months. I feel like I am the one doing the work trying to figure out what went wrong. I have taken a look at myself. I am trying to make improvements. I think we had probably become comfortable and complacent with each other. We had not been arguing or had issues when he went to that funeral. I think her trashy attention got to him. I have read about dopamine hits your body produces in these situations. Our counselor thinks I am suffering from anxiety attacks. When I feel triggered now, my husband makes no attempt to give me a hug or anything at all. He has said before he thinks I am enjoying having the upper hand on him. I feel so alone some days. Our counselor told me to write down a list of boundaries. I have been working on that. She said everything I can think of. I have listed not to get drunk with other women, not to go to another woman’s hotel room, not to have sexually suggestive conversations with other women, etc. Things I assumed he would know. He threw out all common sense for this woman though. This situation has broken me. I am trying not to throw away my marriage and my kids family. Something I wish he would have considered before he got us in this situation.