It’s time to discuss what’s going on and share your struggles – and your successes.

By Linda & Doug

It’s been a few months since our last Open Mic.  So, let’s do it!

In case you didn’t know, or are new to our site, the Open Mic discussion is where you guys call the shots and discuss the topics that you want to discuss.

We know there must be some things that are going on that you can either ask questions about, share your experiences – or maybe just do a little venting.  (Let’s please leave politics alone though!)

We appreciate it as it not only helps to share and get the input from others, but it also helps us with possible issues to address in future posts.  Thanks!

With that said, the floor is all yours!

Feel free to discuss anything…

  • What’s on your mind?
  • What are you struggling with?
  • Have any success stories to share? Big or small. (We especially want to hear some of these!)
  • How about an update on how life in a Pandemic has affected your life and your relationship.
  • Wanna share any lessons you’ve learned recently?
  • Got a question? Ask it.
  • Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
  • Any good books you’d like to discuss?
  • What’s your favorite movie of all time?
  • What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
  • What’s working or not working?
  • Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
  • What has your spouse done lately that really pisses you off?
  • What has your spouse done lately to make you really happy?
  • Tell us a little about yourself.
  • Everything and anything is on the table for discussion!

Please don’t be shy. If there is anything whatsoever on your mind, please leave a comment below.  And please reply to each other in the comments, as each person leaving a comment is not an isolated incident.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

 

    8 replies to "Open ‘Mic’ #42 – What’s Going On?"

    • Lori

      I’m the wayward spouse, I want to heal the marriage in any way possible, but my spouse doesn’t seem as interested. There has been alot of name calling towards me, alot of disrespect towards me, and alot of everything else imaginable faced towards me, in front of anyone at anytime, including our kids. Once I finally told the entire truth, it seems to only get worse. My affair was a month and a half long physically, then when I stopped seeing him the communication continued for three and a half more months. When I finally said enough and stopped all contact, I thought that my husband was in it for the long haul of recovering and healing and making this eventually be our dream come true again. One day it’s “we will make it, it’s just gonna take me time,” then it’s “I want divorce papers now,” then it’s I just wish you werent so weak, you never loved me, if you did you wouldn’t have been able to do what you did, ” etc. It has been 3 months since communication as stopped with the affair person, and I have no desire to ever speak to him or of him again, other then for healing purposes, and from the affair experience I never want to do it again. I know how royally I screwed up, how much pain I’ve caused, and that I never want to do or cause that again. I can say I know how it feels because, in this marriage I was the betrayed 5 years ago, and then again 4 years ago, while my husband was the wayward one. Is there any opinion on how I can get him to change his mind? I know 3 months is not alot of time to heal its just the Rollercoaster of the back and forth is getting really hard on my mental stability. Thanks

      • Shifting Impressions

        Lori
        That’s a lot to sort out. How did the two of you deal with your husband’s affairs? Did you get any help in the past?

        Have you figured out why you had an affair?? Is it possible your affair is linked to the fact that your husband betrayed you in the past? I think these are the type of difficult questions you need to be asking yourself.

        • Lori

          I never really got a chance to actually deal wit his cheating. I was never allowed to talk about it because it was just a one night stand type thing and I needed to just get past it, which was always his response when he did something wrong. It still bothers me that the first time he cheated on me after we were married, I didn’t find out about that until about 2 months ago, so it was kind of a smack in the face that he lied about that the entire time.
          We have never don’t counciling, I have always wanted to, especially after my affair. I feel that talking with professionals or even in starting the emotional affair journey would completely benefit us in every aspect. However, he will never go to counciling, I’ve begged for months always a no, and when I brought up this stuff from Linda and Doug, he got so mad that I was doing this, all I’m doing is trying to help him heal and understand what is all going on in my head.
          I am pretty sure I know why I had my affair, it’s not certain just yet, but I’m almost positive that I know the reasoning. I have talked with my husband and have mentioned, had the stepping stones not been placed in front of me, with the actions of both you and me as well as of the person who had tried to separate us and almost succeeded, I ultimately would’ve never had the affair. It was a choice I made on my own to follow those stepping stones so there is no blame on anyone but myself for the actual affair being allowed to happen, as I should’ve placed my own stones and followed my own path. His response everytime, stop blaming me for you wanting another man, this is all your fault, if I would’ve had an actual affair you would’ve left right away, if you would’ve just had a one night stand this would be so much different but no you had a relationship with someone else and you expect me to just what, say oh I love you I bought you these flowers blah blah, no never going to happen. This is all on you, and now you get to suffer the pain I’m suffering.
          I’m suffering in pain from my choice to allow the affair to happen, as well as the pain of knowing how much pain I’ve caused him, all the pain I’m still suffering from from his one night stands, and my fear of him just one day up and leaving. I don’t expect sunshine and rainbows, I know the Rollercoaster isn’t going to end anytime soon, I just wish it wasn’t such a Six Flags Great America height restricted ride, but more like a Disney world rollercoaster where it’s suspenseful but manageable.

          • Shifting Impressions

            Lori
            It’s a roller coaster ride that’s for sure. If I have learned anything it’s that I can’t make anyone else do anything. The only thing I have control over is my own response. My husband refused counseling as well. So I went for individual counseling. I encourage you to get some help in sorting things out for yourself.

            In my own situation, we didn’t really move forward until my husband showed true remorse and was able to listen to me share my pain with him. One of the things that helped carry us through was our commitment to NOT DO FURTHER DAMAGE. So behaviors, such as name calling and shaming each other in front of the kids etc. were simply not acceptable.

            We put aside one hour a week just to talk about the betrayal etc…..that was helpful. But in all honesty he often found ways to avoid that hour.

            I encourage you to get some help for you!! Take care.

    • NewNormalcy

      This is my first time posting. I wanted to share this as a warning to those who have been betrayed. My husband had an affair with his coworker for 2 years. We are working through it (though he still works with her so needless to say, it’s been difficult). It’s been a horrible year to say the least. I found out after Christmas last year (two days before New Year’s Eve).

      I had my yearly Pap smear a few weeks ago and didn’t think anything about it (I had already had my PCP do a STD panel earlier in the year). A few days ago I received a call from my GYN’s office. They informed me that my results came back atypical and were positive for HPV. I have been with my husband for a total of 17 years (married for 14). I have been monogamous in every way.

      I follow up in a few weeks for a colposcopy and biopsy to see if it could be precancerous. So not only have I been emotionally violated, but now physically as well. And now I have to explain to my GYN why a woman whose been in a relationship for 17 years is testing positive for this. Embarrassing!

      For those whose spouses have been unfaithful, get a HPV screening. And women, make sure you get your annual Pap smears and request a HPV test.

      If it wasn’t for our 2 young boys, I’d so be done!

    • Doug

      Someone sent us this over the weekend…It is from a book by Melody Beattie. We found it to be a powerful excerpt and thought you might appreciate it and consider it as part of your journey. The excerpt is called:

      Be Who You Are

      “In recovery, we’re learning a new behaviour. It’s called Be Who You Are.

      For some of us, this can be frightening. What would happen if we felt what
      we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued
      what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of
      adaptation? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves?

      Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?

      There comes a time when we become willing and ready to take that risk. To
      continue growing, and living with ourselves, we realize we must liberate
      ourselves – regardless of the reaction of others.

      Before long, we begin to understand. Some people may go away, but the
      relationship would have ended anyway. Some people stay and love and
      respect us more for taking the risk of being who we are. We begin to
      achieve intimacy, and relationships that work.

      We discover that who we are has always been good enough. It is who we
      were intended to be.”

    • Deeper Thought

      Doug, the excerpt is indeed powerful. It’s just what I need to hear to be comfortable with who I currently am. I am working on myself and the marriage follows. It is exactly what I’m going through during recovery. Except, I don’t expect people to see who I’ve become, unless I show it. It’s all mostly emotions and opinions that I internally manage. It’s creating a debate inside my mind, whether I turn into a bitter, negative person who doubts that happiness can happen to couples I see on tv. I’m trying to understand why I despise diamond/jewelry commercials. I started to question the concept of romance in a marriage. Because the marriage I know now, is far from what it seems or what it’s supposed to be. It’s a marriage in recovery.

      It’s been 20 months since D-day of my H’s EA. We went through 2 counseling with 2 different counselors. Things are okay now. There are still ups and downs, lots of changes (mostly in me), also changed the dynamics in our marriage life but honestly I don’t know if it’s a better marriage compared to before his EA. It changed me for sure. The words “If you can’t change the situation, change your respond to it” have pushed me to be who I am today. I don’t know if I like it but it’s just what it is. It seems like I’ve become the cynical person who doubts that true love exists. I’ve always doubted soulmates, but nowadays I even doubt the meaning of love itself. I read many stories how wayward spouse use the line “love but not in love” as an excuse. Now I’m wondering, maybe I love but not in love with my H? Maybe I stay married because it’s convenient? It does not mean I want to retaliate and do what he did, it just pushes me harder to never ever be that kind of person. No matter how bad the situation is, I need to show that I am a person who betrays a trust.

      At least the battles are kept quiet inside me. I still manage to disguise myself as a cheerful person so that I don’t have to talk about the sensitive topic. Communications between my H and me need a lot of work, but many times, I’m too tired to try. I’ve changed a lot for myself, so I feel like I don’t have the energy to change his way of communicating certain stuff, even though it’s important. It’s never perfect, but it is what I have now. A marriage in recovery.

      • Shifting Impressions

        Deeper Thought
        Your comment really resonates with me. I understand what you mean about the battle inside your mind. I too am forever changed and have battled with not becoming “hard” as a result of his betrayal.

        This is a good place to share some of those struggles that haunt us deep inside. I think that many of the cheating spouses are unaware of how intense that battle within us is and if they are aware, simply can’t or won’t deal with the depth of pain they have caused.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.