It’s time to discuss what’s going on and share your struggles – and your successes.

By Linda & Doug

It’s been a few months since our last Open Mic.  So, let’s do it!

In case you didn’t know, or are new to our site, the Open Mic discussion is where you guys call the shots and discuss the topics that you want to discuss.

We know there must be some things that are going on that you can either ask questions about, share your experiences – or maybe just do a little venting.  (Let’s please leave politics alone though!)

We appreciate it as it not only helps to share and get the input from others, but it also helps us with possible issues to address in future posts.  Thanks!

With that said, the floor is all yours!

Feel free to discuss anything…

  • What’s on your mind?
  • What are you struggling with?
  • Have any success stories to share? Big or small. (We especially want to hear some of these!)
  • How about an update on how life in a Pandemic has affected your life and your relationship.
  • Wanna share any lessons you’ve learned recently?
  • Got a question? Ask it.
  • Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
  • Any good books you’d like to discuss?
  • What’s your favorite movie of all time?
  • What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
  • What’s working or not working?
  • Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
  • What has your spouse done lately that really pisses you off?
  • What has your spouse done lately to make you really happy?
  • Tell us a little about yourself.
  • Everything and anything is on the table for discussion!

Please don’t be shy. If there is anything whatsoever on your mind, please leave a comment below.  And please reply to each other in the comments, as each person leaving a comment is not an isolated incident.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

 

    27 replies to "Open ‘Mic’ #42 – What’s Going On?"

    • Lori

      I’m the wayward spouse, I want to heal the marriage in any way possible, but my spouse doesn’t seem as interested. There has been alot of name calling towards me, alot of disrespect towards me, and alot of everything else imaginable faced towards me, in front of anyone at anytime, including our kids. Once I finally told the entire truth, it seems to only get worse. My affair was a month and a half long physically, then when I stopped seeing him the communication continued for three and a half more months. When I finally said enough and stopped all contact, I thought that my husband was in it for the long haul of recovering and healing and making this eventually be our dream come true again. One day it’s “we will make it, it’s just gonna take me time,” then it’s “I want divorce papers now,” then it’s I just wish you werent so weak, you never loved me, if you did you wouldn’t have been able to do what you did, ” etc. It has been 3 months since communication as stopped with the affair person, and I have no desire to ever speak to him or of him again, other then for healing purposes, and from the affair experience I never want to do it again. I know how royally I screwed up, how much pain I’ve caused, and that I never want to do or cause that again. I can say I know how it feels because, in this marriage I was the betrayed 5 years ago, and then again 4 years ago, while my husband was the wayward one. Is there any opinion on how I can get him to change his mind? I know 3 months is not alot of time to heal its just the Rollercoaster of the back and forth is getting really hard on my mental stability. Thanks

      • Shifting Impressions

        Lori
        That’s a lot to sort out. How did the two of you deal with your husband’s affairs? Did you get any help in the past?

        Have you figured out why you had an affair?? Is it possible your affair is linked to the fact that your husband betrayed you in the past? I think these are the type of difficult questions you need to be asking yourself.

        • Lori

          I never really got a chance to actually deal wit his cheating. I was never allowed to talk about it because it was just a one night stand type thing and I needed to just get past it, which was always his response when he did something wrong. It still bothers me that the first time he cheated on me after we were married, I didn’t find out about that until about 2 months ago, so it was kind of a smack in the face that he lied about that the entire time.
          We have never don’t counciling, I have always wanted to, especially after my affair. I feel that talking with professionals or even in starting the emotional affair journey would completely benefit us in every aspect. However, he will never go to counciling, I’ve begged for months always a no, and when I brought up this stuff from Linda and Doug, he got so mad that I was doing this, all I’m doing is trying to help him heal and understand what is all going on in my head.
          I am pretty sure I know why I had my affair, it’s not certain just yet, but I’m almost positive that I know the reasoning. I have talked with my husband and have mentioned, had the stepping stones not been placed in front of me, with the actions of both you and me as well as of the person who had tried to separate us and almost succeeded, I ultimately would’ve never had the affair. It was a choice I made on my own to follow those stepping stones so there is no blame on anyone but myself for the actual affair being allowed to happen, as I should’ve placed my own stones and followed my own path. His response everytime, stop blaming me for you wanting another man, this is all your fault, if I would’ve had an actual affair you would’ve left right away, if you would’ve just had a one night stand this would be so much different but no you had a relationship with someone else and you expect me to just what, say oh I love you I bought you these flowers blah blah, no never going to happen. This is all on you, and now you get to suffer the pain I’m suffering.
          I’m suffering in pain from my choice to allow the affair to happen, as well as the pain of knowing how much pain I’ve caused him, all the pain I’m still suffering from from his one night stands, and my fear of him just one day up and leaving. I don’t expect sunshine and rainbows, I know the Rollercoaster isn’t going to end anytime soon, I just wish it wasn’t such a Six Flags Great America height restricted ride, but more like a Disney world rollercoaster where it’s suspenseful but manageable.

          • Shifting Impressions

            Lori
            It’s a roller coaster ride that’s for sure. If I have learned anything it’s that I can’t make anyone else do anything. The only thing I have control over is my own response. My husband refused counseling as well. So I went for individual counseling. I encourage you to get some help in sorting things out for yourself.

            In my own situation, we didn’t really move forward until my husband showed true remorse and was able to listen to me share my pain with him. One of the things that helped carry us through was our commitment to NOT DO FURTHER DAMAGE. So behaviors, such as name calling and shaming each other in front of the kids etc. were simply not acceptable.

            We put aside one hour a week just to talk about the betrayal etc…..that was helpful. But in all honesty he often found ways to avoid that hour.

            I encourage you to get some help for you!! Take care.

      • GuiltyandConfused

        I am in the same boat as you are. I know just how much it hurts being called horrible names. There are days when everything is normal but on those days that his anger gets the better of him I have to endure being called all kinds of unimaginable labels. I feel really rotten. I feel like a really terrible person who doesn’t deserve anything. I am fully aware and even understand why he does this and don’t even blame him for doing it but there are days that I feel like all the name-calling and insulting just hinders both of us from moving forward . He also refuses to see a counsellor as he claims that there is nothing that the counsellor will say that he doesn’t already know, but I am seeing a therapist personally to help deal with all of this as well as my own emotional issues which have contributed to our marriage’s detriment. I know what I did was wrong. I know how much I have caused him and our family hurt. I am deeply committed to working on myself in order to not make the same mistakes again, but it is really hard when he figuratively kicks me in the face each time I attempt to stand up. I feel for you, I truly do. I hope one day we can all get through this.

    • NewNormalcy

      This is my first time posting. I wanted to share this as a warning to those who have been betrayed. My husband had an affair with his coworker for 2 years. We are working through it (though he still works with her so needless to say, it’s been difficult). It’s been a horrible year to say the least. I found out after Christmas last year (two days before New Year’s Eve).

      I had my yearly Pap smear a few weeks ago and didn’t think anything about it (I had already had my PCP do a STD panel earlier in the year). A few days ago I received a call from my GYN’s office. They informed me that my results came back atypical and were positive for HPV. I have been with my husband for a total of 17 years (married for 14). I have been monogamous in every way.

      I follow up in a few weeks for a colposcopy and biopsy to see if it could be precancerous. So not only have I been emotionally violated, but now physically as well. And now I have to explain to my GYN why a woman whose been in a relationship for 17 years is testing positive for this. Embarrassing!

      For those whose spouses have been unfaithful, get a HPV screening. And women, make sure you get your annual Pap smears and request a HPV test.

      If it wasn’t for our 2 young boys, I’d so be done!

      • Nicole

        How are you doing? Did you get your results back? Jan 15 2020 (2020 has been crappy from the get go)was my dday. I received the results of my Pap The dr also did a hpv test. It was a complete fluke. It was positive. This is how I found out about the actual affair after recovering from the emotional affair I found out about. As a year approaches, I’m feeling all these emotions resurface. I listen and read about success stories but I just feel this will never go away.

        • NewNormalcy

          Nicole, I did get my results. They didn’t see anything this time but I follow up here in a few weeks (for a 3 month follow up).

          I’m so sorry! That had to be traumatizing for you to find out that way. I hear you on the one year mark as I’ve been a bit of a basket case these last several weeks as it leads up to my dday. Plus they still work together so I get triggered ALL THE TIME. I feel like this would be so much easier if she didn’t work with him. And it would be easier if he would do therapy with me.

          The really bad thing about finding out I had HPV is that his AP was so adamant that I didn’t get it from her because there is “no way” she has it because she “is clean.” They had unprotected sex and for all I know she and her husband had an open marriage so…. My response was that “well, I didn’t give this to myself”.

          I’m basically going to stay in this marriage until I absolutely can’t handle it anymore. Our children mean everything to me and their happiness supercedes my own. I am trying to make it until they’re at least teenagers. I’m working on myself and trying to make myself happy. I cannot/will not rely on him anymore.

          I really hope for peace for you.

    • Doug

      Someone sent us this over the weekend…It is from a book by Melody Beattie. We found it to be a powerful excerpt and thought you might appreciate it and consider it as part of your journey. The excerpt is called:

      Be Who You Are

      “In recovery, we’re learning a new behaviour. It’s called Be Who You Are.

      For some of us, this can be frightening. What would happen if we felt what
      we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued
      what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of
      adaptation? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves?

      Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?

      There comes a time when we become willing and ready to take that risk. To
      continue growing, and living with ourselves, we realize we must liberate
      ourselves – regardless of the reaction of others.

      Before long, we begin to understand. Some people may go away, but the
      relationship would have ended anyway. Some people stay and love and
      respect us more for taking the risk of being who we are. We begin to
      achieve intimacy, and relationships that work.

      We discover that who we are has always been good enough. It is who we
      were intended to be.”

    • Deeper Thought

      Doug, the excerpt is indeed powerful. It’s just what I need to hear to be comfortable with who I currently am. I am working on myself and the marriage follows. It is exactly what I’m going through during recovery. Except, I don’t expect people to see who I’ve become, unless I show it. It’s all mostly emotions and opinions that I internally manage. It’s creating a debate inside my mind, whether I turn into a bitter, negative person who doubts that happiness can happen to couples I see on tv. I’m trying to understand why I despise diamond/jewelry commercials. I started to question the concept of romance in a marriage. Because the marriage I know now, is far from what it seems or what it’s supposed to be. It’s a marriage in recovery.

      It’s been 20 months since D-day of my H’s EA. We went through 2 counseling with 2 different counselors. Things are okay now. There are still ups and downs, lots of changes (mostly in me), also changed the dynamics in our marriage life but honestly I don’t know if it’s a better marriage compared to before his EA. It changed me for sure. The words “If you can’t change the situation, change your respond to it” have pushed me to be who I am today. I don’t know if I like it but it’s just what it is. It seems like I’ve become the cynical person who doubts that true love exists. I’ve always doubted soulmates, but nowadays I even doubt the meaning of love itself. I read many stories how wayward spouse use the line “love but not in love” as an excuse. Now I’m wondering, maybe I love but not in love with my H? Maybe I stay married because it’s convenient? It does not mean I want to retaliate and do what he did, it just pushes me harder to never ever be that kind of person. No matter how bad the situation is, I need to show that I am a person who betrays a trust.

      At least the battles are kept quiet inside me. I still manage to disguise myself as a cheerful person so that I don’t have to talk about the sensitive topic. Communications between my H and me need a lot of work, but many times, I’m too tired to try. I’ve changed a lot for myself, so I feel like I don’t have the energy to change his way of communicating certain stuff, even though it’s important. It’s never perfect, but it is what I have now. A marriage in recovery.

      • Shifting Impressions

        Deeper Thought
        Your comment really resonates with me. I understand what you mean about the battle inside your mind. I too am forever changed and have battled with not becoming “hard” as a result of his betrayal.

        This is a good place to share some of those struggles that haunt us deep inside. I think that many of the cheating spouses are unaware of how intense that battle within us is and if they are aware, simply can’t or won’t deal with the depth of pain they have caused.

    • Another One

      Christmas is coming and I’m dreading it.

      Last year Christmas was a couple of months after Dday, I was still in shock, not sleeping, not eating properly and extremely relieved that my marriage hadn’t ended. So I lived through it and it was ok.

      This year is very different. I’m a lot more aware and awake and dreading having to spend a lot of time with WH’s family of origin. They know about the affair and don’t care. The AP was the daughter of an old family friend so MIL was sympathetic and supportive towards her while completely ignoring me. The only piece of advice she felt the need to give H was to get over it and move on. After all this time H is finally beginning to see how much they’ve hurt me and how unbelievably unfair his acceptance of their terrible behaviour is. However I don’t think this will change anything. He’s incredibly spineless when it comes to his parents (his mother is an old pro at emotional blackmail). So I have a huge pretending-we’re-a-big-happy-family to (not) look forward to and here I am wishing we were still in lockdown.

      • Doug

        Hey Another one, thanks for commenting. The holidays are typically rough for many betrayed people at least for the first few years after D-day – and quite possibly beyond. Here’s a recording I did with psychotherapist David Feder that might be helpful: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/David-Feder_Holidays_final.mp3 And here’s a post with some holiday tips: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/surviving-holidays-infidelity/ Certainly dealing with an unsupportive family (and a spineless husband) can make things that more difficult. So I guess your husband will not stick up for you and set his family straight? Maybe it’s a good year to sit this one out and blame it on Covid! 😉

        • Another One

          Thanks, Doug. I’ll have a look/listen ASAP.

          I live in Australia, somewhere we haven’t had a COVID case in months. Can’t use it as an excuse though I would if I could.

    • Hard to believe

      I am a BH that is just shy of 5 months from Dday. She continued to be in contact with him for almost another month while the lies continued. We are both in individual therapy and couples therapy. This has absolutely been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. If it wasn’t for our two beautiful children (5 & 8) I would have left on Dday. Our marriage was good by both of our standards and we were very much in love ( so she says). The affair blindsided me. I never thought she was capable of such a selfish and cruel act. The pain has been unbearable at times but through this journey so far I have learned alot about myself and have made great progress in becoming the best version of myself. We are both comitted to giving 100% effort to try and make the marriage better. It is incredibly painful and hard work. I’m at a point now where I’m not sure if I am starting to trust her more or if I am indifferent toward what she is doing. She is doing the right things. She isn’t and hasn’t been perfect through the process so far but I read that looking for perfection is unrealistic. You have to see effort and progress. Some of my big hurdles are lowering my walls and being vulnerable and completely intimate with her. I am hoping that improves with the trust. One of the things that help me in the daily healing process is realizing that I am the one who is strong and desirable. My actions and words over our 9 year marriage have proven to her and the world that I am deserving of a committed and faithful wife. She has realized her poor choices and individual therapy has helped to identify the underlying issues that led to the affair. Also the fact that i can only control myself and my action and reactions to other people. I can still choose to walk away from the marriage any moment I choose. That is not my wish but if true healing cannot take place or i can no longer feel safe in the marriage than i will have no other option. I took alot of stress off of myself when i decided to stop analyzing every interaction under a microscope to use as a barometer of whether we would make it or not. She agreed to get help and i did too so i figured my love for her and our kids plus our shared history was worth waiting until May to start making any concrete decisions. Time will tell how we are doing. It is certainly a rollercoaster ride.

      To respond to Lori. I can only comment from my own personal experience. If you truly want any chance at Reconciliation you must be 100% honest. Answer any and all questions he may have even if you know the answer will hurt him/you. Doing this shows him a small bit of respect. Also be completely transparent with everything in your life for as long as he needs it. This will help him to feel more secure and slowly start to build trust. You need to take full responsibility for your affair. He has had affairs in the past and I certainly don’t condone that but you had other options available to you instead of cheating but you choose to cheat. Two wrongs do not make a right. Be accountable by doing what you say you will do and being where you say you will be. If you do all of this in the beginning stages of recovery and do not see any progress or softening of his heart then it might be time to start preparing yourself to exit the marriage.

      You should in no way tolerate abuse in any form. Emotional, physical or mental abuse is unacceptable. At the end of the day you are a flawed human being just like him. Nobody is perfect and nobody deserves to be abused. You must realize though that you have just ripped his heart from his chest and stomped it into the ground. He is incredibly hurt. That is where the anger comes from. He is in immense pain and is using the anger to mask the pain and hurt. The fact that he is in pain actually shows that he does still care for you. If he becomes indifferent that is when you should really start to worry.

      I am sorry you are going through this terrible moment in your life. As I mentioned above so am I. In life it is moments such as these that we can use to make ourselves better. Better for us, our partners, our kids or our future partners. The only person who decides this is you or me for ourselves. I hope this helps some good luck.

    • Fighting4love

      First post. I have received much comfort from reading the articles and especially the comments of survivors, either with or without their spouse. Thank you!!!
      A little over 4 months since original dday but only a couple weeks since last disclosure. After 23 years of military life where i followed him, supported him, and made our whole life about him and what he wanted and he decided to have an EA.

      Through the years I was not a priority because the military came first. I thought i was committing to the “mission” and could wait for the betterment of the country. That was foolish now i see but i wanted my family more than anything. I grew up without a real family and had been betrayed before meeting my H, where my ex left and married her. But i truly trusted my H now. I still feel the shock.

      Long story but he joined the military with nothing. Had 2 children from previous marriage and his mother was raising them because ex is a true mental case. I had 2 children from precious marriage. We married, moved to Germany and he immediately left for mission for 5 months. I only had my 2. When we moved to another duty station we started legal battle for his kids. Years i would drive 10 hours every other weekend to get his boys Years later we won The battle against my in-laws. It was ugly. I raised all 4 of our kids while he was in every sand box on the planet and went from lower enlisted to officer. We spent more time apart than together. All the time i am raising our children with no family support (my family puts the fun in disFUNtional and have never watched my children). I worked crappy jobs so i could hone with our kids and make sure they were raised properly and loved. I wasn’t perfect but i look at it now and damn I was a rockstar. They all had sports and activities ie football, wrestling, competitive gymnastics, band, acting, tennis, etc. They made good grades and helped other wives when their spouses were deployed by shoveling snow in Alaska to mowing grass to babysitting. It’s amazing that our 4 children are absolutely wonderful human beings and all of them joined the military too. Don’t get me wrong, my husband was a good husband and father. He tried to call everyday and check in. But 15-20 minutes a day doesn’t help much with 3 teenage boys, all within one year of each other, in HS and girls, hormones, learning to drive, future plans etc. He was always a visitor in our home and because we moved without him many times, he didn’t even know where the plates and silverware were.

      Those years were hard. For all of us. I mention the details of the years because they contribute to my anger that i don’t know how to resolve. He was forced to retire because of downsizing. This was very difficult for him and he was hurt because he thought he meant more to the military. He mentions it a couple times but life moved on. He searched for his next big thing. Went to police academy but discovered he was too old. We moved to another state to be close to our children and grandchildren. He discovered he could be officer there. Goes thru another academy. I’m still his biggest cheerleader and supporter. Life seems to always be about him and always him first. After second academy he joins a PD but he is such an ass and thinks he knows everything and all others are stupid. It’s a small town and i actually work there as an admin and grant writer. Everyone is stopping by and telling me all the ways he is being an ass and annoying the hell out of them. They are all passive and won’t say anything to him because he would get all butthurt, get loud and defend himself. I tried to help and talk to him about what everyone was telling me and offer to help him learn some things because i has been there for almost 2 years before he got there. This was a huge mistake apparently.

      Shortly after becoming police officer he starts online FB affair with an ex girlfriend from 28 years ago who had disappeared one day out of the blue and he never knew why. She suddenly became a perfect person and “knew” him and “understood” him. She was impressed with all his accomplishments. She was smart and seemed money savvy. She had dreams like him and liked the same songs. She was “always” happy and supportive. This was after just 2 months!!! He starts fantasizing about a life with her and near her. She of course is married also. She proclaims that she is leaving her husband. He looks for jobs, places to live, googles about dreams and astrology. Really stupid childish stuff. The more perfect she becomes the more awful i am. For about 2 years prior i had started to beg for time and attention because he wasn’t in the military anymore but i was met with a couple days of effort and then lost interest. I didn’t know he had become FB friends with her about a year into that. He accepted her friend request during the most difficult time of our life prior to this betrayal. My granddaughter was born with half a heart and only lived 18 days. He decided to start deceiving me during this. When I’m going to sit at the hospital to hold her hand and support my son and His wife and watch my grandson so they could have time with her. How can a man be so self absorbed?? I think i know the answer,, because i let him be that way, but my word!! Where is his conscience?

      He was making plans to leave me. He was wanting me to leave him so he wasn’t the bad guy so he kept pushing me away. I had been suspicious for a while because the phone was glued to him so i finally checked a work computer and there it all was hidden in messenger. Lasted for about 6 months. Honestly it was more his pursuit than hers. She toyed with him. She never had any intention of leaving her husband. She could never be satisfied with the amount of money my H makes. Her H is very well off and she has had every plastic surgery, lift, tuck, implant, injection you can think of. She was just bored And has no respect for marriage.

      He is doing the right things and has humbled more than I’ve ever seen but he gets annoyed if i need to talk about it because he feels like I’m punishing him. I have never once faltered in my desire to keep my family and remain married to my husband. It has taken months for me to get my act together. I haven’t been able to sleep, eat, or concentrate The world lost color. I am angry now. I’m not entirely sure how to process the anger. How could he plan to leave with a woman he doesn’t know and hasn’t done shit for him? He said he forgot about all the love and support i gave. How? How could he sit for years comparing me to another woman and her life on FB and become disappointed in me? Of course there was porn too. Does anyone else deal with porn?

      How do i let go of the anger? Right now I’m dealing with the demise of my father with Parkinson’s. He left our family for the secretary 35 yrs ago and completely destroyed my 4 siblings lives. He will die within a couple weeks. This is all a lot of betrayal to deal with again. I have lived my life and felt i had forgiven him but the stuff with my H has brought all those bad feelings to surface again.

      • Soul Mate

        greetings Fighting4love,

        Your story has touched me as your marriage background is very similar to mine. I and my husband of almost 30 years blended our family as well after he was forced out of the Army after the first Iraq war. His first wife had an affair while he was overseas in the war and left him for her AP. When he returned she wanted every material thing they had except their 2 kids and this is when I met him. I was almost 5 years out of my first marriage, a single Mom of 3. We met through a mutual friend, became friends ourselves and through a lot of persuasion from him and my eldest son, I relented and we started dating. And when I say we, I mean all of us. It was family date night all the time. The kids included as there was no other responsible parent in the picture. We married a year later and were a very close family. We’ve had many very happy years up until 5 years ago when my husband suffered many setbacks which is a long story.

        I find it very interesting that your husband after his release from service pursued a career in law enforcement. So did mine, although it was and still is in the federal government. I too, found myself giving all to support his endeavors. Never once second guessing his dreams of achievement and encouraged him every inch of the way. I did however have a full time career myself that closely related to his at times. He had an EA with a coworker that ended 3 years ago. I never would have expected him to behave in such a way as he upholds integrity and honor as one of the greatest of values. I was completely blind sided. He himself, (now) still does not understand why he did what he did, is ashamed and tells me he will be until the day he dies that he failed me and his family and himself with his actions. He calls them his darkest days of his life. I sometimes wonder if the military brings out a bit of narcissistic tendencies in these men as many of them who have moved up in ranks while in service pursue careers in law enforcement or high powered positions in government which require them to exert power over people and when they feel that they’ve lost it, “they lose it” or is it just a typical mid life crisis? It’s like we the wives know their weakness or we are not paying attention to them when they feel needy due to life circumstance like a illness or death in the family so they look for attention elsewhere to get that ego boost they crave all the time. Kind of like a child who acts out when they want to be seen or heard. Hopefully you and your H will work things out and in the end become closer and more understanding of each other. I can tell you from experience it will be a very bumpy road of extreme emotions. I still suffer with trust issues in regards to opening myself up to him completely. He is and never was the man I thought he was but he is the man that I love. And for now I choose to keep all of our loving memories, his kindness to me and my children in my heart and let his one weak and bad mistake go and forgive him. Hell I’m not even sure if I’ve completely opened myself up to myself yet and explored what “I” truly am because I’ve spent the last 30 years being what everyone else needed me to be at the time. Especially him. But I’m determined to find ME out. Maybe then after I know who I am, I will see him for who he truly is and love him completely. Even more. For now we are doing well, he is very attentive and trying like hell to help me heal and that is enough for both of us.
        Peace

    • theresa

      I just found this on another site. I’ve added it to my list of “gems”. It’s laying it out for the cheater and showing that it didn’t “just happen”

      https://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/threads/some-did-not-get-the-memo.442212/

    • Makayla

      I just found out my husband of 7 years just had an affair that lasted for 5 months, but was abruptly ended because I caught them on a vacation together after asking him about this out of town trip and him lying. Since then, he’s broke off personal contact with her but he works with her and it gets tricky, if their affair gets out, they can both lose their jobs. I had previously asked him if he was unfaithful and he lied, now he says he only lied to protect me and to protect his job. He seems remorseful and has been doing the work to show he wants to reconcile but for me, I feel that if he didn’t get caught, they would still be together and he’s only choosing me because he’s afraid of losing everything. I need help. I don’t know what to do.

    • Regina

      The pain of all of you so familiar. I wish for the last two years I could talk with a betrayed wife that stayed in her marriage. Married 30 years. The beginning was ruff. He came from a messed up large family (long story) he was never home. Had so many woman to keep him company. I guess I can’t blame that… he was and still is a very attractive and charming man woman always went after him. We met he started to come after me. It was a beautiful experience for the both of us. Knowing his womanizing history I married him anyway. I knew he probably cheated in the beginning but I stayed.
      We had many struggles during our marriage. But I was there for him. I know he loved me though. He was always good to me. The last ten years I slowly started to push away from him because a lot of responsibility I had. The last year I pretty much shot him out. He would always tell me that I needed to be with him. He wanted me to always be with him but I didn’t want to. An old friend that always loved him and would have done anything for him back in the day reached out to him (I didn’t know).
      He took the opportunity and started an affair with her. She’s also married so he would call her and if she could she would call him back. Two times for sure (I feel like there was another time but he says no) they met. The first time he was gone four hours the second time he was with her for seven hours. That’s when I knew something was up. It all happened in one month. Supposedly he dropped her the day I found out. He told me he made a mistake she didn’t mean anything she was there he took the opportunity. he loves me but I pretty much left him. He’s been the best husband ever in these past two years. He can’t do anymore to show how much he cares and loves me but I can’t forget I can’t stop talking about it. He told me some stuff about them but I don’t know if it’s true or not. He swears up and down that he did not sleep with her that he will take a lie test to prove it. I can’t get them out of my mind. She was so in love with him back then and she told him. They had a past. I feel like 30 years with me it’s nothing for him. That he thinks of her. I’m going crazy. It’s a hourly thought for the past two years. He says in a way he’s happy that it happened because it woke me up and I’m with him again. And honestly if it didn’t happen I would probably be the same as before. How can I get this out of my head and enjoy the present. What if he loved that excitement and married life is boring to him ( he says that he’s not bored with me) I keep comparing my self to her. She’s probably thinking that he loves her that’s why he went back to her. I have so many thoughts I can keep going on.
      I did go to concealing one time, it’s not for me. But I just need to keep talking about it. My friends are tired of listening. They know him and know that he loves me to just stop looking back and enjoy today. But I can’t. I am broken.

    • unsure

      It has been over a year since I reconciled with my husband, we had separated for a while. During the separation we were still connected by assets, family outings, holidays, and he lived close and was at the house a lot. During the separation he had many affairs, physical and emotional. I didn’t find out about them until we got back together and I found out, he didn’t tell me. We live in a small town and I see these women all the time and they are triggers. He does not have contact with them because I put my foot down about that. I still have such rage and anger about it, I stayed loyal and respectful of him, because we are both in the public eye. I don’t know how I didn’t find out. Question is – since we were separated, should I not feel so angry over his affairs; should I feel angry that he didn’t tell me about them, not while separated and once we got back together, I found the letters and texts. If he had told me while we were separated I would have divorced him, I thought we were both just on a break – it was a long break, but we were still connected.

    • idontknow

      How do I move past all of the “I don’t remember”, and “I don’t know” and “I didn’t see it that way”…. My imagination is in overdrive…I want to believe that it was as short and superficial as he’s claiming but there are so many “unfortunate coincidences” as he calls them that I just can’t stop turning over in my head 😔 I feel like it was so much more involved than he’s admitted to.

    • Cece

      Hi, I’m very desperate right now, trying to find comfort in reading blogs and hearing stories similar to mine. I’m 31 years old but I feel so old. I write down my story to try and realize it is true, it really happened. It is scary to read blogs about runaway spouses and feel like someone is describing my very own life without even knowing me. If someone ever feel the need to read a long story, or feel like they can give some advice, here is my story…

      I had quite a rough childhood. I lost my mother at 10 years old due to cancer. My not so loving father remarried to a not so loving, much younger woman, and both of them abused us children both physically and psychologically for the following 9 years. I did my best to survive while caring for younger brothers and sisters. At 19, I have had enough. I left my family home and, with financial help from my grand parents, I started my new life. I studied and worked, barely making ends meet. I felt freed from a nightmare, but still very lonely. I didn’t trust anyone, I didn’t want a relationship. I was too scarred.
      2 years later, I met this boy. He was unlike every one else; coming from a rough childhood himself, a working student himself, afraid of trusting others himself… He understood me so well.. and he was so loving, so caring, so romantic, every one of our common friends described him as such a good, loyal, trustworthy guy. He managed to convince me he was my Prince Charming sent to save me from myself and my fears and my lack of trust. I set aside my doubts and started a relationship with him. We spent 2 years of great love, passion, and excitement. Then we decided to move in together. We settle in a small apartment, slowly we furnished it and it became, as we used to say, “our castle”. And he described me as “his princess”, and he treated me like one. He always said he would love to have children together, that I was so beautiful, honest, intelligent, and loving, and that he would be honored if I became the mother of his children. Unfortunately, a few years down the road, I was diagnosed with a disease which threatened to leave me unable to have children. I was so desperate , I told him to leave me, since I know how much he wanted a family, and I might not be able to give it to him.
      But no, he stood by me. “We will go through this together” he said “if we cannot have children together, I don’t want them with anyone else”. Then I knew, whatever life ever threw me, I was never going to leave this man. I would have stood by him no matter what.
      Luckily, I recovered. I could still have children.
      At that point , I was 28, I have had to go through various expensive medical treatments, we had no money. But we did our best, we were then both graduated, both working full time jobs, making sacrifices, and we managed to pay everything (I payed all my medical bills with my job), and we started saving. All along many in our circle of friends were getting married and having children. All of my girl friends always told me I was so lucky, I got the best man of all; loving, successful and appreciated at work, we never argued, he never even looked at any other woman, he had eyes only for me. I was tired sometimes, working long hours, I paid my medical bills and I always insistsd on paying all our expenses 50-50, all the while I was doing 100% of the home chores. But I felt like I needed to give back to this wonderful man, I needed to care for him and thank him. We had decided to get married in 2020, after over 10 years together, 8 living together. He was supposed to be getting a promotion in early 2021, while I turned down a good but demanding job opportunity because we intended to grow our family soon after our wedding. We thought I could take a maternity leave then look for a part time job after that, so that I could dedicate more time to being a wife and a mother and caring for our home. That was my family, my dream… my fairytale. Unfortunately, it all turned to be exactly that… a dream.
      As we all know, last year Covid pandemic hit. Gatherings were prohibited where we live, so we had to postpone our wedding. No big deal… we rescheduled it in early 2021. Everything else went on as normal. We started looking for baby stuff we thought we would soon need. we discussed the names we would like, he suggested in case of a daughter, to give her my deceased mom’s name… so thoughtful, so sweet of him, I thought. That was October 2020.
      My fairytale was going to be complete so soon, I thought. Marrying my only one true love of 10 years and giving him the children we had dreamed and prayed for so much. I had finally left all of my bad childhood memories behind. Now I had my own family to think of.
      One day, November 2020, we had a dinner planned with colleagues of him to celebrate his impending promotion. I promised I would have baked a cake for the occasion, but then I came home late from work and I suggested I buy one. He got mad and started saying I never did anything for him (!), his girls co workers always cooked while I never had time (not true, I did cook, though not very well; but I worked up to 12 hours daily, unlike his colleagues, and all I earned I spent for our home or saved for our future…). The next day, although I was slightly upset for that unusual behavior of his, I didn’t think much of it. It was just a small quarrel. I promised myself to bake him a cake next week. He came home from work and I welcomed him back. He said like, “hello, I need to tell you something. I love you but I feel I’m not in love with you any more. I’m not attracted to you any more. I’m leaving”. I was shocked and frozen in place. I couldn’t comprehend what he was talking about. I said don’t joke, please, you are scaring me. He said he wasn’t joking. He had been having an affair with one of his co workers, a girl younger than us, he now was attracted to her and to this new, carefree, exciting lifestyle he was going to share with her. And it was all my fault: I was always tired, I could never make myself desirable. I was old, boring and uninteresting. I was working too much. I didn’t cook well enough. I didn’t have sex well enough. Because, you know, this new girl, she had numerous partners. She looked for men online and tried many different things. While I was so boring, so predictable, only ever been with one man (him), he said that as if it was a terrible fault of mine. I was so humiliated, I never imagined he was so unsatisfied. I said, “I’ll work less…” “I’ve already turn down that job offer to dedicate more time to you, to our family, we can go away and spend some days together and try all the things you want… we can talk this through, I still love you so much. Let at least talk, let at least try before we throw our life away.!“
      But no, he didn’t want to listen. It was “too late” and he had “already decided” and he didn’t want to hear a thing. My flaws were “too serious” he was sure I could never fix them. “Let me try” I begged him, “you never mentioned any problem to me, let’s just talk, express your feelings, let me know what’s bothering you, so that I can try to fix it…” but no. And what about our plans, I asked, our family, our children you said you “would never have with anyone else”?
      “Well,” he confessed, “I realized I don’t want them right now. Maybe in a few years”. Ok, I said, we can wait if you are not ready! You never told me that… he behaved like he couldn’t wait…
      He replied “no, we can’t wait many more years. You will be too old then!” While his new girlfriend, in a few years will be perfectly fit for the job.
      Trust me it is UNBELIEVABLE to hear words like this from a person you thought you knew so well.. thought loved you so much…
      after these bitter words, not more than 5 minutes of conversation, he proceeded to pack a few bags and left with me still shaking and struggling to breath , laying down on the floor, heart broken and in shock. His “princess”, he once declared…. now, suddenly transformed into a worthless piece of ….
      In the next few days, shattered, I tried to write him, but he never read my messages. He never answered my calls. He came back one day while I was out, to collect his remaining belongings and I never heard from him again.
      I discovered he had left months of unpayed bills and payments he was supposed to take care of (I had a ready paid my 50%, that was his 50%). I had to pay them, while facing the impending end of my actual job with no great prospects in front of me. The only ppportunity I had, I had turned down. I did not look for other opportunities because I thought I was going to take a period off work for maternity.
      I miss half of the furniture we had, that he took away, together with our only computer, and our only car. I have not much savings, I already paid for a useless wedding dress and other wedding related expenses. I feel like I’m drowning and there’s nothing and no one to help me.
      I had to tell all of our friends, and to call to cancel the wedding and pay what needed;
      he didn’t talk to anyone. He just disappeared and started his new exciting life.
      Without a thought for his old life, his old girlfriend, who he was leaving behind broken hearted. I don’t exist anymore. I feel like my beloved partner is dead, or kidnapped by aliens, and now an evil twin walks the earth. One who looks a lot like him but is not him. I feel like I’m living in a horror movie, in a nightmare from which I cannot wake up. At first I wanted my life back. Then I realized it is impossible, and I wanted just a last chance to hug my boyfriend, the “old” him, talk to him 5 minutes, tell him how much I loved him, then die and let the evil twin take over and go on with his life.
      It has been 2 months and it is not getting better. I’m on sleeping pills but I don’t sleep. I don’t eat. I don’t drink. I’m on antidepressants but I’m depressed. I think about ending my life constantly. I can’t go to job interviews, I look miserable.
      I would love to know if someone ever came back from a situation like this, I mean, if someone ever got back their “old” partner after an event like this. Is there anything I can do to speak to this person which feels like a stranger now?
      I am angry with him, of course, disappointed, I know he betrayed me in a way I never could have betrayed him, he inflicted a pain upon me I never would have inflicted on him. but I would forgive him if I could one day see him, the “old” him, if I could see a glimpse of his old self in his eyes.

      Even if I was never married, I had already taken those vows in my heart. I took them every time he stood by me, every time he supported me, I took them when he held my head while I was sick, when he asked me to marry him; every day I wore my engagement ring knowing I was going to love him for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, In richer and in poorer, every day of my life, and so I will…
      now I only see 3 possibilities in front of me… whether I die now, or I live a miserable life until one day, finally I’ll die, or a miracle lets me have him back in my life….
      I don’t know what to do, should I beg, or should I pray, or should I reason with him, am I supposed to find a way to “attract him” again, or should I just kill myself… or bear the pain forever…I don’t know anymore…

      • Shifting Impressions

        Cece
        My heart aches for you. You have so many more choices. I hope you are able to get some help. This is too much for you to deal with alone. He treated you very badly…..that is on him. You deserve much better. He left you with months of unpaid bills…..he was hiding a very dark side of himself from you. Do you really want to beg or attract this person back into your life?

        I encourage you to reach out to Sarah P. Get some one on one counseling. You have been through so much in your young life and you have survived. You will survive this but please get some help.

        Thinking of you

    • jim r

      I’m a 50 year old man. I was married the first time, had kids and my wife decided she didnt want to be in the marriage anymore. We divorced, 3 years went by with me be ok with being a single dad and just being there for my kids. A special woman came into my life when I was looking for anyone and stole my heart. We married, had a child together, she had a young child when we met as well. 12 years of raising kids and loving and being loved like I never have been before. She is my soul mate. I’ve always been true and loyal to her and I adore her.

      Then came December 2019, she was distant and short with me. She disappeared for awhile on Christmas when she took my step son to his dads for Christmas. She didnt come right back. It bothered me but I didnt know what to do about it. She grew quieter and more distant but I kept loving her and we had our good days too but something was wrong. Every January near the anniversary of her Mothers death (2005) she withdrawls from me but this year it was all month long.

      I had a feeling in my gut I was missing something. She happened to leave her chromebook on when she left for work on Jan 29 2019. I opened it up and her facebook account was open with a message box popup from a guy she knew in school. I read there conversation with surges of adrenaline and hurt pulsing through my body. It was a conversation that referred to a sexting event they had that night before while i was at work.( I was working night shift). I called her at work and told her what I found. She immediately rushed home. She was remorseful and we had a painful conversation about it all. I asked to see her phone and i put a spy app on it to see what else she was up to. I found that she had been texting another guy since december, but the texts were erased. I asked her if she knew the guys name. She looked me in the eye and said no ive never heard of that person.

      I said I was going to text this other guy and see if he knew her. She went to the bathroom sometime later, and my spy app showed me a text she sent to a friend just then telling her to contact this guy and tell him he does not know her. Well, my suspicions were right!
      After a painful weekend of talking she confessed to seeing this guy 3 or four times, which i was able to see her visits on google after some investigation. She went to his house when she told me she was going to town to pay on a layaway or see a girlfriend etc etc. She said she didnt have sex. I dont believer her but she stands by it.

      So we talked things over, she agreed to let me monitor all her phone data and put a gps tracker on her car. We went to counseling a few times. We went on some trips during 2020, we had some great times and our sex life was amazing. She said she would do whatever it took to save our marriage and it seemed to be going well. Later in the year, august, she lied about going to see her moms grave and i tracked her going to see a male workmate who lived in the area. Turned out she didnt get a hold of him, I asked her about it first and she straight up lied that she didnt do it. Then I showed her the evidence and she said she was sorry she lied, she wasnt trying to do anything but see a friend and was afraid i would respond this way.

      ok, whew, so we make it to 2021, January. Here we are. This weekend she had a flat and I came to fix it for her from work. She was having her yearly moms death anniversary withdrawals, (acting weird and distant) and she said she was going to go to walmart to just look around. It had been a stressful week because of her withdrawals so I was getting suspicious. It all blew up later when we got home she said she was going shopping, ripped the gps out of the car, threw it on the ground and left her phone at home. She cam home 5 1/2 hours later at 1130pm. I was in hell and anguish those 5 1/2 hours. I thought she just said screw it and she did whatever she wanted to do and it wasnt going to be good. Not much sleep, or eating for me this weekend as we try to hash this out. She said she was just mad and sick of me accusing her of doing something everytime she went somewhere even though i could see where she was. She didnt feel like she could even see her friend without me getting upset and suspecting something.

      It was eye opening for me and I admit I have been getting really paranoid and suspicious of everything! She was feeling like no matter what she did to prove she was faithful I would not believe her and , i can see now, it was true. She had been in a controlling abusive relationship before and didnt want to live like that again and she was feeling trapped like that again. I never would do that to her on purpose! My own insecurity and lack of trust was out of hand and it had changed me this year. So theres my life story to this point, it was theraputic to type it and I welcome and advice on how to trust my wife again. She took away my safety blanket of gps and phone monitoring and im going mad with insecurity and worry because i cant verify anything and im driving her crazy. She wants our marriage, I want our marriage, we are stuck. I think that why we lasted this long but now she wont tolerate it anymore and the reason seems valid to me if i were in her shoes.

      Sending out a S.O.S.

      In Pain in Little Rock

    • Nat

      Ugh.. reading all the stories about infidelity just breaks my heart. How common it is. I want to read the success stories. How did the betrayed heal and reconnect with their partner who did the unimaginable?

      I found out April 3 2020 during a pandemic. 5 months pregnant with our first. And to top it off when I found out via his Snapchat they haven’t slept together yet. Just emotional and inappropriate photos. He left our home to live with his parents to have this affair physically (his parents thought they had a control on him. But nope, he lied and was good at it). He Would check on me, come cut the grass. It was with his co worker who knew he was married and pregnant. They had a 4 month affair… our son was born in august and he hasn’t spoken to her since. She has moved jobs. Also they are both nurses. I have become so anti health care professionals right now during this pandemic. He still says he thinks about her time to time. He blocked her, he doesn’t have social media anymore or have her on it. And I randomly ask him to go through his phone. We turned on one another’s locations on our phones. We both are doing individual therapy. The couples route… therapist called him out saying he isn’t ready. He’s still in the shame phase. So it won’t work. We haven’t been intimate since April. I don’t know what to do anymore. All I think about is him dirty gross mistress banging in a car (after work night I add). I have so much hate for her. And just hurt from him. I’m lost. Everyone knows our situation because I had no choice to tell people, he honestly thought he was going to leave me to be with her this young immature girl who lives at home still. He wants to make us work but he wants to sweep it under the rug but knows we can’t do that. I feel like he’s pro longing the recovery.

    • Devastated

      Almost four months from D day. We just started couples counseling. I have been individual since January. He started in February. I do not know if the affair is still ongoing or not. I have asked for him to formally ended via email and he has not to my knowledge. I know this woman and she has been an acquaintance of his for 8 years. He met this woman through a good friend of hers that he knows from high school. I suspect part of the problem is he would be embarrassed to have to tell his friend what happened which is one of the things I want him to do as well. he is kind of justifying it because of the problems in our marriage where he felt ignored like a piece of furniture. He moved out because I found out by going through his phone What makes it worse, as I found out through conversations of his with a female colleague. Not even the woman he had the EA with, but a colleague who was condoning it and acting as his cheerleader he focused on the violation of privacy instead of the lies that went on for 6+ months. Our couples therapist made me make a list of what I need for repairs to begin. We have only been through two sessions with the therapist, I want together and one each of us talking to her individually. We have not even broach the subject of the fair in a joint session One of the things I need to begin or consider repai for me is having access to his phone and emails which I don’t think it’s going to happen. The pain and realization that this marriage may be over is. intense. I was always uncomfortable with separate passwords and the whole privacy aspect because I believe in full transparency and you can look at any damn thing you want in my email or my phone. Anyway feeling alone and devastated.

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