Hello everyone! The open discussion feature has been quite popular, though last week the comments were somewhat down. I guess you can’t have a winner every time!

This week the discussion was suggested by one of our readers and is: “What are you willing to do, or unwilling to do, to save your marriage after you or your spouse has had an affair ?” Please share what has worked for you, and what hasn’t.

This could entail a wide range of possibilities and we’re really interested in hearing your views on this subject. Please don’t be shy, and join the discussion! We can all help each other!

Happy Wednesday!

Doug & Linda

See also  How to Stop an Affair by Exposing It

    52 replies to "Open Discussion: What Will You do to Save Your Marriage?"

    • michael

      Thank you again for all you do.
      This is going to be a tough one I think. There a so many possible things to do and try. What comes to mind first?

      I never in my life thought I would wind up in marriage counseling. But I found one and made our first appointment on the Monday after I found out. Later talking to my wife, I know she doesn’t want to go to see one anymore. Would she be willing to? To help our marriage.

      I too thought I wouldn’t have the strength to ask my wife to consider divorce, but I did.

      After I found out, I didn’t have a clue on his intentions for my wife. I was clueless she had ever gone to see him and I don’t have any idea how much she cares for him. So I was willing to let the communications continue as we worked on us. Never seeing much participation from my wife, and no improvement on my empty feelings, I was willing to upset her and send communications to him. That hurt to finally know his intentions. And at that point I was no longer willing to let the communications continue as I waited. This may or may not have forced her into other means of communication.

      And now I am willing to let her take her time to figure it out while I wait and still feel those empty feelings. The other day, I don’t know what it was, but I was feeling a major amount of jealousy. I watched as my wife communicated with a couple of the other fathers at my sons practice. And it just came over me. I had never felt that way before, when I had no worries about it. This sucks.

    • ruth

      michael, I too started counseling before I found out. My husband was lying to me for 1 1/2 year before I caught on (how stupid am I) well anyway counseling wasnt helping me because they were encourageing me to leave and I didn’t want to do that. I still had hope. I dedcide to spy on him cell phone and emails. Thats how I found out how much he was in love with her. Their email’s to each other made me sick to my stomach. To this day I will never forget the things I read. I keep checking and as of one month ago I know he went to see her. What I won’t do is put him first anymore. He puts me first if he wants to make this work and never before in our 35 yrs did I ever put myself first. I will wait it out, in my mind I made a deal with myself if by our anniverary in July he has not stop contacting (as he has promise so many time) I will have had enough. He cant have his cake and eat it too enough will be enough. I will be ok in time I just know I will

    • Giving Up

      I am backing off. I did everything imaginable. Tried counseling, but he wouldn’t go. Kept saying he wanted to but when time came for the appointment he bailed. Changed everything he didn’t like or was unhappy with…seemed to only make him more upset.

      I have done a lot of thinking and searching since spending my first easter with the kids alone and while it was a rough weekend, and I still miss him and love him, I am done. Done being his stepping stone and done hanging on. I am advertising my willingness to be alone, and I am learning how to enjoy it some. It is far less stressful than having to worry how someone will react to my every whim. I have started taking my own time to be by myself and revel in it.

      My next step is to try to limit the contact we have. Yesterday when he was over, I concentrated on doing my own thing rather than hang out with him. I am going to start doing this more and more. I think I am ok most of the time. It is just when the lonliness creeps in that I have a tough time. But it gets better all the time.

      I will be here if he decides to come home, I know that I will. But I am no longer going to hope or expect it. Just take each day, one day at a time! I am with you ruth! No longer putting him first! Time for me to be me!

      • admin

        Giving up, I think you’ve made a wise decision, and I’m happy that it has already had a positive effect on you. Good idea to limit the contact. It’s not fair to you for him to come and go as he pleases. If you can, get out and get involved with some activities with friends and/or co-workers, and the loneliness will be minimized. Please keep us updated on your situation.

    • Last2know

      We are both doing everything we know to make our marriage work. I know the most important thing is communication and trust. I personally have grown a lot from this. Not only do I look hot, I feel self confident and somewhat liberated. He see’s it and he also is changing in many ways (for the better). With our Son and our families. Neither of us wants to end what we have. But we take it one day at a time. We didn’t do counseling. Forums such as this have helped me a lot and I did what Linda did and became a research reading junkie and that has helped us too. I print what my husband should read, put a love note on it and leave in his truck. I know he has taken a lot of the information and tried it. This is a very hard thing to go through and I don’t how anyone could do it more than once. My husband vows he will never cheat again. I told him if he does that is a deal Breaker for sure. It doesn’t matter how much I love him I will not do this again.

      • admin

        Last2know, That’s great to hear that you are doing great and have grown from this whole experience. Obviously it’s good to hear that your husband has also grown and changed from this. And you are right…it is tough and I don’t see how some people have to go through this multiple times. Where do you get your confidence?

    • jay

      You all seem so together about this. I found out yesterday my husband was having an “emotional affair”, he claims nothing ever happened. I feel as if I am losing my mind. I happened to stumble across messages going back and forth on facebook, when he didn’t close out his facebook and I thought I was reading my messages. I can’t even look at him without feeling both the most intense hatred and as if my heart is shattered. I want to think I want to save my marriage, mostly for the sake of my children. I know my older daughter 20 would hate him forever and my younger daughte who is 15 suffers from generalized anxiety and I can’t imagine what this would do to her. I will never say a word to them because I feel like parents are the people children trust the most and this is such a violation of trust. Right now I am sick to my stomach all the time, I can’t eat hardly anything, my head hurts and all I want to do is cry. I made an appointment to see a therapist but I don’t even know what to say. I know this sounds silly but I am embarassed to tell anyone. Does it get any better?

      • admin

        Jay, Yes it can get better. Since you just found out, I’m sure that all sorts of emotions are going through your head. Spend some time reading the posts on this site to get an idea of what to do and what to expect. You might want to check this post out if you haven’t already: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/3-tips-to-help-you-heal-from-an-affair/ It deals with what you should do right after you find out about an affair. Also, keep coming back and commenting as there are many helpful people that are going through the same thing as you.

    • jay

      Well it’s day 2. I slept some last night but woke up this morning still as sad a yesteday. I just want to crawl in bed an pull the covers over my head. I am going to work because I feel it might be better for me and also would seem strange to my daughter if I stay home. My husband doesn’t even ask me how I’m doing. Other than being a little more quiet it is as if nothing has happened. I read the article above and it was helpful. I am trying to take this slow and process things in the best way I can. I don’t want to be so sad, I would rather not be. This just hurts way to much. Well time to dry my eyes and put on my happy face, my daughter is waking up for school.

    • Last2know

      Jay you are feeling all the right (normal) emotions yes protect your kids as best you can. Take care of yourself first. I felt embarassed as well it’s a normal feeling especially if you read some of the content. But like admin said read that article to help you on your way. We are all here for you.

    • jay

      Day 3. Yesterday was pretty wierd. I felt like I was in a dream all day. I was processing everything everyone was saying and working normally however everything seemed like it was not real. I thought I was losing my mind. I got through the day and went to see a therapist for my first visit. It was hard but I learned a few things, the most important being that I do not have to make any decision right now. My husband kept texting me yesterday telling me how sorry he was and that he would do anything to make this right. You would think I would have been happy about that, but each text just infuriated me more. I don’t know why. I just would not even respond to him. When I came home he was trying to be nice to me and caring and that made me angry too. What is wrong with me. I still can’t sleep, although I am exhausted. I fall asleep for a little while and then start dreaming about what is going on and I wake up crying. Well I have to go to work now and hopefully today will be a little better. Thanks for being there for me, whoever you are.

      • admin

        Jay, It appears that you are now on the emotional roller coaster. From your comment, I must say though that at least your husband is apologetic, and if your goal is to save your marriage, that is a good start.

    • jay

      Yesterday I sat down with my husband and told him exactly how I was feeling and what this has done to me. No yelling, accusing or being nasty, just a quiet discussion. He did alot of crying and apologizing and asking to do what ever he could to make this up to me. He still swears that nothing ever happened and that as he calls it a fantasy.

      It still feels like an affair to me and still hurts just as bad. I now realize that there are obviously issues in our life that need to be dealt with. I told him that I haven’t made any decisions about us because I need to heal me first and he said he understood and didn’t care how long that took. He said he will spend the rest of his life making this up to me.

      Over the past year or two my husbands long time (30 year) professional career has been devastated by the economy and financially it has been killing us. Luckily, or so I thought, I was able to land a job at the same time and my career has been growing at a very rapid rate despite the economy. I was so happy that I have been able to keep our family afloat and even though I am working to the point of exhaustion it made me feel so good. I kept telling my husband not to worry, we will get through this and now it is my turn because we are a TEAM.

      Well I thought that was good however the therapist seems to feel that this may have contributed to what has happened. He threw out there that maybe my husband was feeling less than while I was taking off professionally. And maybe this incident was a boost to his beat up ego. This made me really sad, because that is not ever what I meant to happen. I thought I was being he ultimate team player. I had a bad night last night because I vasilated between feeling betrayed and feeling like I caused this. I wasn’t sure which to cry harder about.

      Well the good news is I actually ate some toast and laughed today at work and for a short time I felt like me. I hope this happens more. I still feel confused but that’s okay, I am taking this one day at a time and I have faith that the right decision will be somewhere down the road. Maybe not today, maybe not next week but I am staying the course.

      • admin

        Jay, It sounds as though you had a good day and things are looking up for you. One thing that struck me right off though, is DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!!!!! Perhaps this was an ego boost for your husband, but you were doing what you had to do. Do not beat yourself up! — Doug

    • jay

      This morning is hard. I am so sad and I feel like I don’t want to go on. I don’t know what happened I just woke up this way. My daughter is having some anxiety issues this week and its hard to deal with both at the same time. I slept last night yet I am exhausted this morning and woke up crying. I want this to stop so badly. I am going to work and hopefully that will lift my spirits.

    • Last2know

      Jay I agree with admin. Do not blame yourself. Don’t get me wrong I believe in therapy/counseling but they all have different styles and not all are good. If you never have been to one before how do you know which one you got? People tend to hang on to their every word. I guess most of us couples here would have benefitted from counseling before our spouse betrayed us. How were we supposed to know?

      My husband told me about his resentment and anger we didn’t need anyone to tell us that. This has been hard on my H and me but we are working this out ourselves, with alot of reading (me mostly) and communicating more than we did before. Sometimes the communication is deep and sometimes as simple as “is there anything that happened this week that we need to address” and if there is then we spill it. You will read in many different websites that most people said it didn’t really help them. That’s just my two cents.

    • michael

      Jay..
      This will get better. Trust us. Let the feelings come. And then let them go. If you want to cry. Cry. If you want to scream. Scream. It helped me to scream in my car. This is all new to you, as it was for me in early December. I didn’t find this site until early January. Thankfully I had my best friend, and a lot of books to distract me.
      But you have us from early on. All of us on here are in various stages after the effects. And I was a complete basket case for the first few weeks. But what I did do was put my boots on and decided that tomorrow will be better, so much for today. If its a bad day let it be bad, then let it go. If its a good day, remember it.
      I said in an earlier post, I kept daily notes. I did mine on the notepad in my blackberry. And on bad days I would look back through them. Without fail I would see something I wrote that made me feel better. Because on some good days I would write a loving note about my wife. Or a note about something she did for me.
      Remember the good days. Let the bad ones just be.

    • michael

      Jay.
      A little story of how my son was in the first few days.

      I was a wreck. Sad, angry, lost, sleepy, jumpy, just to state a few of my feelings. And I know my children felt it. Kids are smart. They can pick up on emotions better than adults. My daughter never said any thing but my son, oh my son is such the little man.

      It so happened that, the week before I found out, a friend of a close friend died. And my wife had planned on taking him to the funeral. He is close to both of us so I offered to take them. That afternoon I picked up my son from school and told him we were going to a friends funeral. His words just solidified to me how I had been acting in front of them.

      He asked me ” is that why you have been so sad daddy”? My heart sank and I told him that was it. He told me “everything will be ok”.

    • jay

      Michael: Thank you so much, that story really helped. I woke up this morning and instantly started crying and shaking. I thought I was losing my mind so I logged on to write. I read your story and I had this overwhelming realization of how much our children need us and need to know that things will be okay. I thought about how I said to my husband that I spent 22 years building this wonderful building and like a terrorist, he came in and bombed out my foundation.

      Well your son made me realize that I am that foundation for my children and their buildings will never stand if I put a crack in their foundation. So I quietly crept upstairs and looked at my wonderful daughter sleeping and I whispered his words, “everything will be okay”. I know she didn’t hear me but I made a promise to her that I will keep. I don’t have a friend to talk to about this however I do talk to my cat when no one is home, sometimes he is supportive and sometimes he goes back to sleep but at least he doesn’t pass judgement on me, so that is good.

      I am taking your advise and letting my emotions be what they may. I try really hard not to be upset in front of my husband because I know he feels terrible and he falls apart every time he sees me upset. I know this sounds weird but I don’t want to feel like I keep punishing him. Thanks for being there and sharing everyone. It helps so much.

    • jay

      Well I seem to be holding it together a little better. The mornings for some reason are especially hard. Once the day gets moving I seem to be able to feel better. My husband just keeps telling me how sorry he is and how everything is going to work out. Sometimes I am okay with that and then other times I get so angry. I feel like I didn’t do anyting wrong yet I am the one who seems to be suffering. I am suppose to go back to the therapist tomorrow but I am not sure what there is to say. The therapist called me a few times to see how I was doing and I asked him if my husband and I should be coming together and he said no, he wouldn’t see us together. If we want to he will give us the name of someone who specializes in marriage counseling. Why am I going by myself. How many times do I really need to revisit how crapy this feels.
      Well, I’ve been going to work everyday and able to somewhat get back to my normal days. I just keep taking it one day at a time.

      • admin

        Jay, you appear to be holding it together as well as expected. During the day I would go through a variety of emotions: anger, sadness, fear, denial, hopelessness. I guess the only way to survive is to keep busy and make sure everything remains as normal as possible. I know as normal as you can when your world is falling apart. I believe one thing you should be thankful for is that your husband is sorry and that he believes that everything will work out. Those are two positives in your situation and will help so much in your healing process. Also if you know that the affair is over that is one less worry on your mind. For us, it was a little different, meaning that Doug did not end the affair right away and was confused about his feelings for me. That slowed the healing process and caused those emotions to hang around longer than it should have. My best advice is to educate yourself about affairs and how to heal from the trauma. There are many good books and website available.

    • Last2know

      Kim read about affairs, healing, communication etc. You are going through the normal stages and you will go back and forth from all of those emotions. They always say “the darkest hour is right before dawn” mornings are still hard for me. I tried to protect my husband because he was so distraught over hurting me but I had to let him see me hurt. He had to see wha he had done to us. I never threw the affair in his face. But I had to feel and he had to be there right along with me. Now things are great. I have my down days but it’s not as bad as 7 months ago. You will get better. I read so much that I actually learned alot about myself too. Do you feel counseling is helping?

    • jay

      I really don’t know about the counseling yet. I only went once and my second appointment is tomorrow. My husband is trying to be very supportive and although it is hard to see him so upset over what he has done I also feel that seeing me hurting can’t be my problem. I don’t want to punish him however I don’t want to protect him either. This was his choice, not mine. Right now the physical part is till hard. I find I can’t wait until I can go to bed at night and I know this is just an escape. I keep reminding myself that I have to eat and take care of myself but I just don’t seem to ever be hungry and I have a constant nervous stomach. I really don’t want to take any drugs although the therapist mentioned I should think about a stomach relaxer since I suffer from Irritable bowel syndrome and it has certainly flaired up. I think this is going to be quite a journey but I’m still plugging along

    • jay

      I either need to find a new therapist or therapy just sucks. I left my appointment so angry yesterday. First off he kept me waiting then once I was in his office, he just kept asking me do I have any questions. Hello, why do you think I’m here, my question is how do we get me on the road to feeling better and hopefully moving past this. At one point I was talking about how my husbands business for years has been suffering and he has let all of his employees go, and we never get to spend time together because at least 3 times a week he is there till 1 or 2 in the morning. He said to me, and I quote “you know sometimes things pop into my head when people are talking and I am not sure whether I should say what I am thinking or not”… Where the hell was I suppose to go with that one, so I said well why don’t you just tell me what popped into your head and he said,” well if business is bad and slow, why would you husband need to be there until 1 or 2 in the morning, I mean that doesn’t make sense” so I said well he has no employees anymore so he is doing all the work himself and he kind of rolled his eyes as if to say, Yea sure. So I guess the implied message was that maybe my husband has been having affairs and I am to stupid to figure that out. I really don’t beleive that is the case however even if it was, would this be the time to throw that into the mix. Then he asked me when I wanted to come back and I said I guess next week. He said OK and “actually, I told you last week if you wanted to come in sooner than today you could have called me” I said well I guess I felt like I could wait the week and his response was, “okay, that’s pretty wierd”. I went to my regular doctor today because I have been getting these wierd sensations in my face and my legs. On and off my jaw kind of feels wierd and then my legs feel very week. When I take a librax, which I have for when my irritable bowel flairs up it gets better. The therapis thought I should speak to my regular MD to rule out a physical problem. I went to the MD and explained what was going on and he felt it was anxiety and depression and put me on a small dose of paxil and Xanax when I realy need it. He seemed more understanding then the therapist and said this is a really tough time and maybe this will just help for the time being to help you relax a little. He told me to only take the Xanax if I really feel bad. When I came out of the doctors office the big surprise was my husband was sitting in the waiting room. He said he wanted to be there for me and kept apologizing for all of this. Today I didn’t care about his apology, I wanted to knock him out. All I could think of was, thanks, I hope this was all worth it for you. I said nothing. Well thanks for letting me get this out, sorry for the boring details. Almost at week 2 and still standing.

      • admin

        Jay, Sounds to me if you want to continue therapy, you should find a new therapist. You story is not boring, as it shows what an affair can do to someone both emotionally and physically. Stay strong!

    • Jennifer

      Jay, I am right there with you. I am struggling with whether or not to seek therapy. The cost and all. I too have had an irritable weak stomach for the past week since he told me. I don’t know what else to say except thank you for sharing your story and you are not alone. And thank God for Doug and Linda and everyone here who is brave enough to share their experience. 🙂

    • jay

      Well its about a week later and one week on the paxil. I am starting to feel a little better, no much as I still feel I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I tried a new therapist who seems to be great. We talk alot about me and how I feel and the things I can start to do to help me through this. We worked on some breathing exercises that help me calm down when I feel extreme anxiety coming on and this really helps. I also find myself having daily conversations with God. Believe it or not this also seems to help. I simply ask God for the strength to move forward each day. I am still feeling so angry at what this has done to me. I feel as if I have aged 10 years in the past 3 weeks. I feel like a broken person and that makes me so very sad. This has effected every part of my life. A month ago I felt like I was on top of the world and now I feel like the world is on top of me. I just want to be me again.

      • admin

        Jay, I’m glad that the roller coaster has evened out for you, and that you’ve found a therapist that you are happy with. Be sure that you don’t just like the therapist because he/she is telling you what you want to hear. It’s amazing how one can find their spirituality when faced with this sort of trauma. Linda also stepped up her praying while going through this. You will get yourself back eventually.

    • jay

      I am continuing with the therapy which I am finding most helpful. I am finally understanding that the work I need to do is about me and me first. I still have some very sad moments and I sometimes when I know my husband is doing work on the computer I can’t help but get panicky about if he is really working or talking to her. He swears to me he will never have any contact with her again but how do I know I can trust him now. One of the things I am starting to realize is that I kept saying I just want to feel like me again, but I realize now I don’t really want to come out being me again. I want to come out being who I should be. I need to stop taking care of the world and everyone around me. I have a right to be happy and I need to stop putting everyone else first. I have made it very clear to my husband that I really don’t want to talk about us right now. I will be ready to talk about us when I am finished fixing the broken me. He is being very supportive of that and now it is mine turn to come first. I don’t know where this will lead us but I’m am trying to find the silver lining

      • admin

        Jay, I’m glad you’re finding the therapy helpful. Can you share how you are working on you, and what you do when you get those sad moments? I think everyone would appreciate hearing that. Thanks!

    • jay

      I start everyday doing some deep breathing and reminding myself that I am moving forward each and everyday. I also use something called EFT tapping treatment which the therapist taught me but you can find on the internet. It is a relaxation technique and it really helps. In therapy I am beginning to see that I have spent a lifetime being the good girl, the one you can always count on, the one who fixes everything. I realized that I even took this emotional effair as my failure. What did I do wrong? What didn’t I do right? Well this wasn’t about me this was about him. I am accepting that although I am not perfect I was doing the right things, working hard, taking care of my family and that I did not deserve to have someone take my trust and break it. I am angry about it and I have every right to be. I know and I accept that I want to forgive him and rebuild our marriage but I am not ready to do that right now. When I get sad, I let myself be sad. I even console myself and agree that this really sucks. It is unfair and I have what a call a “mini pity party”. Then I say to myself, okay lets take a deep breath and let it go. I even allow myself to have an entire bad day when I need to. I am giving myself a break. So what if I don’t return every phone call today, or if I go to the bank tomorrow. What’s the big deal if I order a pizza for dinner and I lie on the couch till it’s delivered. You know what, everyone will survive. Does it really matter if my daughter gets an 88 on her advanced global test instead of a 93 or if there are clothes all over her floor. I am taking the pressure off of myself. This is my first step in fixing me. For the first time in a long time I am giving myself a chance to collect my breath.

      • admin

        Thanks Jay. That is some really good stuff.

    • jay

      It has been about two weeks since I have written. On top of everything else that is going on I am having some health issues and had to go for a biopsy. Still waiting for the results, and on top of this my cat dies. My husband and I are slowly struggling through all of this. I am learning to talk about how I am feeling and how angry I am without feeling guilty about expressing myself or holding it inside. Some days are good and some days are really bad. I still have mornings where I just want to pull the covers over my head but I find if I push myself it gets better as the day goes on. I took a few days and went to visit my older daughter and that was really great. I know this may sound silly but yesterday I got really angry when my husband “complemented” me on how much better I am doing. It made me feel like my falling apart has become the focus and he has been able to push what he did under the rug. Something to delfinetly talk about in therapy. Hope everyone has a good memorial day weekend.

      • admin

        Jay, Sorry to hear of your cat dying and health issues. Hopefully everything turns out fine. Did you express your anger with your husband when he complimented you? How is he doing with working on your marriage and regaining your trust?

      • admin

        I understand how your husband’s comment produced anger. In the early stages of our recovery I would make a deal with myself “go three days without crying, questioning, talking about the affair” because I knew my constant emotions were effecting my family, my life, and I feared that I would push him back into Tanya arms. So I would suck it up, and Doug would comment after the third day when I totally lost it-“you have been doing so well” I would think to myself-you have no idea, I haven’t been doing well, I have kept everything inside and actually I am doing worse. I know because of his own feelings of guilt, hurt and pain he wanted me to be ok and any sign of that made him feel better, but he had to realize this was not going to be a fast and easy process.
        I have been reading a book I hope to share with everyone next week. The author talks about the infidel’s hurt from causing this pain, and states that if the infidel can show his pain, instead of trying to be strong and take his medicine, the sooner the spouse will be able to begin to heal from the affair.

    • jay

      I look forward to hearing about the book and thanks for the support

    • jay

      Last night was melt down mania for me. My husband and I have a party to go to tonight and I told him I was uncomfortable going because some of the people who would be there know the OW and I didn’t know if they knew anything. He told me he didn’t think anyone knew anything and then said what’s to know nothing ever happened. That’s when I lost it. How many times do I have to explain that an emotional affair is just as bad as an “actual affair” or have a physical relationship with someone. I thought I was going to lose it entirely. Then we got into a big discussion about how I totally trusted him and that it never in 22 years crossed my mind to question that trust. I asked him if he totally trusted me and he said yes HOWEVER he has thought about how well I get along with my boss and that we have this wonderful working relationship and we laugh alot and I love my job so much and yes the thought has crossed his mind that maybe he and I had some connection but then he realized that he doesn’t have to worry. I don’t even know how to respond to that

      • admin

        Jay, Sounds to me like your husband was trying to deflect the fact that he had an EA back on to you and your working relationship with your boss, thus avoiding talking about his own EA.

        • jay

          I think you are right about this. The conversation quickly turned into being about how he felt. I went to the dinner party, albeit uncomfortable but decided that I can’t hide from life. Interesting enough the subject came up about my husband moving up the ranks in his organization and how next year when they are all at the convention all the things he will need to do. This is the same convention where he met the OW. I wasn’t even listening to the conversation because all I could think about was did he really just assume that I would be okay with him going to this convention again. I haven’t said anything about it yet because i am not really sure how to bring this up. I don’t want to think that I will never trust him to go anywhere but the thought of it made me nuts. I am not sure if I should talk about this with him, since it is so far away. Any thoughts?

          • admin

            I guess it depends on how far down the road it is, but I would let him know how you feel regardless. You can always demand to go with him too. He needs to be aware of boundaries and if you are uncomfortable with something, he should know so.

    • jay

      Okay, maybe I am overreacting here but here goes. So this weekend my daughter who now lives two states away since she decided to stay in her college town surprised us and came home for a few days. My husband was working sat and sun and today he was going to a seminar. So he decided that he would just go in the morning and let her sleep and then he would come home at lunch time (around 1pm) and they could spend some time together. Sounds good, right?. Okay so my daughter calls me at work around 11:30 and tells me that her dad sent her a text saying maybe they could go for a bike ride together. I thought that sounded great. At 3:20pm my husband calls me at work and tells me that he is on his way home. I said you’re just on your way home now and his response was, yes, I was getting ready to leave and this woman in the class asked me if I could give her a ride home and I said yes but I didn’t know where she lived and then it turned out she lived pretty far away and I got lost so I am just on my way home now. Why the fuck would you give someone a ride home if you knew that your daughter, who will be leaving in one more day was waiting to spend the afternoon with you. I would think my response would have been, gee I’d love to help but I have to be somewhere or maybe even I can’t because my daughter is home visiting and I am going to spend some time with her. So I ask who is this woman and he says, oh just a friend and I am like does she have a fucking name!!!!!!!!!!!. Then I hung up because there was nothing left to say…. I am so done.

      • admin

        Jay, I wouldn’t say that you are over reacting. It’s obvious your husband acted in a very insensitive and quite frankly, dumb-ass fashion. Certainly if his story is legit, a phone call to your daughter letting her know he was running late would have been the courteous thing to do at the very least–outside of just declining to take her home in the first place, that is.

    • jay

      Well we had a discussion about the recent turn of events which was quite interesting. I think it started out by me asking him what the f… he is thinking. How could you call me and tell me you were late because you were driving some woman home who needed a ride. He stared at me like a deer in headlights and was like, I don’t understand how you could think I would do anything after I single handedly screwed up our lives. I just gave her a ride because she was asking around because she had no way to go home. And beside he has been trying so hard, “why don’t I trust him again”. I could not believe I had to explaine that if my trust was scored after what happened it was at a negitive 1,000,000 and now that he is trying it is getting better so now it is at a negitive 999,999. There is a long way to go here. Then we got into his irresonsible behavior with our daughter, which he owned up to and said he just wasn’t thinking and I know why he wasn’t thinking because for 22 years he has only thought about himself and I was always there to pick up the pieces. My kids never knew when he was absent because he was selfishly doing what he needed to do. I made excuses ike Dad is so busy at work or Dad had to take care of something and I was always there. I never wanted them to feel let down. And I have always been the one reminding him of what he should be doing…. call your sister its Mothers Day, Take care of your tax deposit, Don’t forget the concert tonight and then 5 text messages to remind him and he still would be late or forget. Well I have had enough. I finally told him I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER. GROW UP YOUR NOT SEVEN YEARS OLD ANYMORE. So the bottom line is you need to figure out how to become an adult and if you want to be an adult. And if you can’t figure this out then you need to find someplace else to live because I can’t do this anymore. I signed up for two children not 3. I know I sound so big and brave and I meant every word that I said but then I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep. I know I can’t live like this but what if he can’t change. As my mother would say “don’t put the cart befor the horse”. I guess I will have to take it day by day. In the meantime he told me he wants to go talk to someone so that he can work on all of this. Lets see if he does it.

      Thanks for listening.

      Jay

      ps: by the way my biopsy was negative. Thank God for that.

    • jay

      Another big discusion last night. My husband took me out for dinner and told me he doesn’t know what to do. He begged me not to give up on him or on us. He told me he doesn’t understand why he just doesn’t realize things himself that seem so obvious when I point them out. We talked about him going for therapy which he agrees he should do. I am so confused. On one hand I want to punch him in the face and on the other hand I want to help. He told me he wants us to be the old couple walking in the park holding hands 20 years from now. (when we would see old couples like that we would always say, that will be us when we are old). Sometimes I want to tell him I love you but I never get the words out anymore.

      • Doug

        Jay, it seems he is making some strides and is reaching out. His agreeing to therapy is a great first step. It sounds as though he wants to stay in the relationshio and at least attempt to make positive changes.

    • jay

      Doug, I agree and I think he is trying. I am not sure what is wrong with me though. I feel like in the beginning I just wanted it to be not true, then I wanted thing to go back to normal, then I just wanted things to get better and now I don’t know what I want. My daily life has gotten pretty much back to normal but I seem to be floating in limbo somewhere about what I want. Sometimes I feel like I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to talk about things, fix things or anything. How can I tell anyone how to make things right if I don’t know what is right for me. It is almost like being void of feelings. Maybe this is part of the process, I don’t know, but it sure isn’t comfortable.

      • Doug

        Jay, I think that you will go through the roller coaster feelings much like you are–and that is normal. It is tough to know what to do when you don’t know what you really want. I hope that you can figure that out soon and find happiness.

    • jay

      Doug: Did it take long before you figured out what you both really wanted. Did some days you feel like I want to work on this and other days feel like running away. Tonight my husband and I had time to ourselves. Our youngest daughter is visiting her older sister, so I made this really nice dinner out on our patio, bought some wine we both really like, was so looking forward to this and then I just started crying during dinner. My husband was so happy when he came home and saw our dinner and was busy helping with the food and enjoying our night and then when I started crying and ruined it all he looked like a kid who just lost his balloon. Then all kept asking me was what he could do to make this better and I had no answer. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say. You would think I would be happy but our dinner made me sad. Sometimes I think I have really lost my mind.

      • Doug

        Jay, I can not answer for Doug, but there were so many times when Doug and I would have a good time together, then I would become upset and ruin everything. It was almost like I was afraid to be happy again. I felt that if I let my guard down then he wouldn’t forget all the pain that was caused by the affair and run back to her. Even after almost two years there are times when I want to run away from the memories and the pain, actually I am having one of those weeks. I want so badly to forget everything but it is still fresh in my mind and I can’t handle remembering that Doug had feelings for someone else. It is difficult to think about what he said and did with her, I worry if I will ever be able to forget. Sometimes when recovering from an affair the good times are just as difficult as the bad, because the good remind you of how much you love your husband and enjoy being with him, then something happens that triggers how much they hurt you and it becomes difficult to enjoy what you have now. Your have not lost your mind, I know exactly how you are feeling.

        • Duane

          I’m in the same place and don’t know what to do about it. I do need her to feel punished sometimes so that she won’t forget. It’s control. But we have no control. The truth of life is that things may change at any moment in time and there’s nothing we can do but accept it. Sometimes it seems better to call it a day and start fresh with someone else. It is possible to find happiness again. But we know all too well not to trust that happiness. All the more reason to find happiness in ourselves, completely independent of our spouse. We need to view our situation as one in which it is our choice to remain married, not theirs. We are accepting them back into the fold. And if it is our choice, we need to have the courage to accept that marriages end, that we can be a statistic, that our unions are not so special, but actually rather common. After an affair a marriage is altered forever. We can’t hold on to the past. It is dead, really. If we are to stay together we must build something new. Both spouses have to realize and accept that. Something died. Something new must be born.

    • jay

      Sometimes these moments as painful are they are open windows of discussion. H and I discussed why I was feeling sad and how I am feeling about things. I told him that I appreciate how hard he is trying but it doesn’t take the pain away. He also shared with me that he trys to avoid talking about it because he is always afraid it will make me sad. I told him it was okay if I was sad and that it is important for both of us to talk about it when we need to. He asked me if it was okay for him to hold my hand sometimes or hug me. For a while if he even tried to touch my arm I would pull away because I didn’t want him to touch me. I told him I thought it might be nice and it was. I don’t think what we had is dead, I think our relationship was really wilting and we have a lot of gardening to do.

    • crios

      Hello D@L. I am trying to do as much as possible although i feel i will cause much pain when I bring up the subject of my EA. I know i need much work to consistenly put walls when females try to come in. I need to do a better job of that and i am falling short at home at work i believe i am doing ok.

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