Happy Hump Day!

As betrayed spouses, we have heard every excuse, lie and rationalization in the book from our cheating spouses about their marital affairs. They tell us they want to move on. They say that they don’t want to talk about it. They say they can’t give the OP up. The list goes on and on…

With this in mind…What if the shoe were on the other foot? How would your spouse react if you were the one who had the affair? Has your spouse looked at the affair through your eyes and realized what you’re going through?

Please be sure to respond to each other’s comments!

Have a great day!

Doug & Linda

See also  Ashley Madison a Marriage Preservation Tool?

    16 replies to "Open Discussion: What if the Shoe Were on the Other Foot?"

    • Donna

      hmm, good topic! About 6 weeks ago I was told my husband had been see out and about at 2am with OW at a night club. Also other places they had been seen together. I very calmly asked him about this and he started to get defensive but softened istead and told me that yes, he had been out with her. I was devestated and was a wreck etc… he too cried and felt awful as I had been so proud of him as I had thought he was 7 weeks into the no contact phase.

      One of the things he said to me while he was hugging me and crying was that he said I was amazing and doing such a wonderful job and that if it had been him on the end he would feel like vomiting at what was happening. That was really insightful to me. He said he could not handle it and that is why I was so amazing…

      Well since then, he goes from talking really well… as long as I do not ask questions etc… So I do know that he prob would have left if I was doing what he is. Knowing that though, still has not stopped his EA and does not make me feel any better either.

      NOw, my question to you all? I do ask alot of questions and I am sorry about that. I read somewhere that it is virtually impossible to overcome an EA. Is this true? am I just wasting my time with my husband? He is the I love you, but am not in love you guy and just like to feel love.. so I pretty much have to back waaaayyyyy off from him. I am so confused with what I read. Can someone please tell me if this is the truth?

      • Jeffrey Murrah

        On the topic of what if the shoe were on the other foot,…there are too many variables to consider for a simple answer. My suspicion is that both spouses would see things differently, although they would find themselves dealing with the same issues. It is a ‘same issues, different perspective type of phenomena’ in most cases. The switch in who the cheater is might also bring up some significant character issues as well for each spouse. Like I said, too many variables to give a clear response.

        On Donna’s question.

        “I read somewhere that it is virtually impossible to overcome an EA. Is this true?” From a biological perspective, once the neuron connections are created, they are there permanently. Their brain has been wired and cannot be unwired. What can be done, it to have stronger connections to other people and diminish the strength of those connections. This is one reason why ‘friending’ old boyfriends and girlfriends is dangerous.

        So, yes it is permanent. There are also things you can do to counter-act it and ‘short circuit’ those connections.

        The next question was whether or not you are wasting your time. That is definitely a personal call. Some things to consider, “Is an investment in any relationship a waste of time?” , “What is your time worth?”, “What kind of relationship do you want with your husband?”, “Is a relationship with you worth time and investment on his part?” “What are your goals and expectations for the relationship?”

        I do not have the answers to these questions. I know that you will need to sort through them and THEN it will become clear if you are wasting your time. Many times we settle for relationships the way they are because we have not put forth the effort and time to transform them to their full potential.

      • Doug

        Donna,
        I would have to take exception to the idea that it is impossible to overcome an EA. I can honestly tell you that Linda and I have rebuilt our marriage and our relationship to a point where I don’t even think about Tanya, and have no desire to see or talk to her. It’s like she doesn’t even exist anymore. I think what Jeff says about diminishing the connections is the reason why. No contact with the OP and time together with spouse in various moods and settings equals diminished connection to the OP. I even feel that I’m to the point that even if I ran into Tanya somewhere, there would not be a “relapse.”

    • j

      My wife asked me that one night. What if I never get over him? I dont know the answer to that. I hope, that I can “Fill Her Love Tank” enough that I can fill that emptyness she was seeking. That, and a faith in God I hope can conquer all.

    • Jennifer

      Donna, I think that’s a difficult question to answer. Especially since we are all recovering from EAs ourselves. I believe it will always be somewhat of a thorn in the relationship, but I also believe it is good to have been through something like that for each person to know their limits. I know now that I cannot put up with ‘sharing’ anymore. In the least. I know now that if I have to leave, I WILL be okay.
      My husband and I are still living together, he sleeps on the couch and has for about 18 months now. We are friendly to each other and we are still physically intimate on occasion. The original OW is gone, but I have seen other female names in his texts on his phone (I’m having trouble with the urge to snoop). The only thing I try to remember is to give him space and give us both TIME. Oh god, the time. Ugh. I hate it. I feel like I shouldn’t have to wait, I WANT to be with him. I didn’t screw things up. But I did. Something I did (or didn’t do) wasn’t what he needed. I think you are doing the right thing for now. Treat him like a good friend when he moves in to help you out. Don’t ask him if he’s going to leave again when you’re better. Just be grateful for his help (be sure to tell him how grateful) and see how he responds. He may realize that the admiration and appreciation he is getting from you is what he was missing all along, and even perhaps what he is starting to miss from the OW if that relationship is dying. And remember we are right here with you.
      I am on Twitter and Facebook if you’d like to get in touch with me. I would be happy to talk. Just leave a comment here. 🙂

    • J

      Ugg, 18 months, my 2 months since discovery has seemed long enough. My wife is willing to fight for us, today at least, so I am greatful. I see her pain though, as she is in grief of her loss. 18 months of that, would be more than I could bear I think. I also snoop, but the wife is letting me. She has attempted full disclosure, and even lets me driver her, and pick her up from work. She activated LOOPD on her phone so I can know where she is, and gave me access to cell phones so I know calls coming and going. I am greatful she is trying, proud of her actually. Makes it easier.

      • Doug

        J., those are all great signs that your wife truly wants to be transparent, earn your trust back and save your marriage.

    • SallyJane

      If our positions were reversed, I know my husband would not be as forgiving or understanding as I have been. He’s told me so. He told me point blank when we were discussing him moving out, that he would want us to continue our relationship (i.e. sleeping with one another), but that he would “kill” anyone I dated or with whom I became more seriously involved. Honestly, I don’t get it. I suppose it really did dawn on him what he had to lose, and that I wouldn’t stand for that (you leave me, you lose your access to any part of me) and, so he has committed to staying and working through the long road back.
      But, I think it does help for him to know, in the back of his mind, that I’m still seen as a valuable commodity that another man might want — that’s what he got from “her” afterall.

      • Doug

        SallyJane, Thanks for commenting. I thought continuing the sleeping with one another yet killing any one you dated was interesting. Sounds like you are on the road to recovery though. Best of luck!

    • ppl

      ea is not permanent. its a lot like smoking addiction. some of the most ardent anti tobacco people are ex smokers at some point they will never go back. everybody different in terms of time to get to that point. my wife now says the person she had ea with was old fat and ugly. not truely so but that is how she sees him now and although i never kid myself that she couldnt stray again, it will not be with him. however as most of you realize relationship is changed forever. once last kid is out of house, in three years, i plan to reassess my situation. before her affair, i would never have considered leaving but if i am still insecure, although she hasnt given me any reason to be for two years now, i will leave. dont plan on looking over my shoulder on who maybe catching up, for the rest of my life. there is a saying that the person with the power in a relationship is the one who cares less. very jaded view but absolutely true. nobody will have history and memories and shared experience of raising kids that we have. however some of that history is bad now

      • NotBroken

        ppl has anything changed for you? are you and your wife getting better?

    • NotBroken

      My H said that if I had an affair and it was exactly like his (meaning it meant nothing and was JUST and EA) that he would forgive me. But that if sex was involved, then that would be the end of the marriage. I know thats BS, if I did exactly what he did, the marriage would be over. He can say that now, because I didn’t do anything, but I know better. I know he would leave in a heart beat. I am still considering divorce, but taking it one day at a time.

    • ppl

      we get along well until any trigger occurs, which is less and less. right now kids tip equation for me to stay. have entered the world of romance novels. i dont make plans post last kid leaving. dont invest in anything not liquid in case i do leave after last one out. also developing own interests. i do admit to wandering eye now, not previously issue. not revenge just looking for more. more what, i dont know. not lack of sex affection, just more.

    • Donna

      ppl, thank you for your comment, “ea is not permanent. its a lot like smoking addiction. some of the most ardent anti tobacco people are ex smokers at some point they will never go back. ”

      You would not believe how this comment has given me hope.This is my current situation right now. I have just come out of hospital after having major stomach surgery where I am basically not able to do anything, and I mean anything opther than sitting on the couoch or laying in bed or the bathroom etc… I am literally having to have everything done for me. Add 4 children onto this and 1 husband who is I am not sure involved or not with his EA partner. Not sure if they are still on phone contact or not, I am not going to ask anymore I don’t think as this only rises anger from him (me knowing it is guilt that is causing the anger rise!) Anyway, after 5 and a half months of separation, my husband is back home on the couch looking after 4 children plus 1 very invalid wife. I am sure my husband is just waiting for me to bite and attack him for all that has happened. I have only been home 1 night and I am literally taking it one day at a time. I will not bite, I will not attack him, I will be the patient and let him look after me and I will lap it up and praise and thank him for all he is doing for me. Now, if I do this, am I going overboard. Should I not make a deal about all he is doing to look after me?

      He is sussing out while he is home to see if he really can stand being at home, how comfortable we will be together. So if I play my cards right in this time I could utimatley have my husband back in the home at the end and trying, really trying for our marriage. Any advice for this time?

    • Joan

      My partner of 28 years had an EA that left me devastated , more so as he is 74 years old and I am 67 (not a lot of time to waste!) We are 7 months since D-day and have been through all the denials,trickle truths etc. and generally have been getting on better even though I still have doubts that I have all the truth(he insists that “he doesn’t remember”most things) but I felt that the empathy just didn’t feel ‘there’.
      One night I decided that he would find out what it felt like if the show was on the other foot by writing him a letter apologizing for not telling him about a PA that ‘I had’ years before (I hadn’t). I made it very believable but left a P.S. saying that there was another note that he should read left in a drawer in another room, which gave him just a little time to assimilate the shock before finding out that it wasn’t true.
      The result was the empathy that I’d been waiting for.
      He only had about 10 minutes of the feelings that I’ve had for the past 10 months (2 D-days) before he found the other letter but I could see the change in his demeanor the morning after.We talked about it and he cried about the ‘monster he’d been towards me whilst he was with her.(he did say and do things that were really horrible on top of having the affair with her, I hardly recognised him) Now if only I had the whole truth I honestly think we would have a good chance of ‘mending this nightmare; TIME always feels against us though.
      I must take this opportunity to thank Linda and Doug for ‘keeping me afloat’ with their encouraging emails and blogs which always seem to be ‘spot on relevant,’ for the day. You are wonderful people who I view as ‘friends’ now.

    • Joan

      My partner of 28 years had an EA that left me devastated , more so as he is 74 years old and I am 67 (not a lot of time to waste!) We are 7 months since D-day and have been through all the denials,trickle truths etc. and generally have been getting on better even though I still have doubts that I have all the truth(he insists that “he doesn’t remember”most things) but I felt that the empathy just didn’t feel ‘there’.
      One night I decided that he would find out what it felt like if the shoe was on the other foot by writing him a letter in apologizing for not telling him about a PA that ‘I had’ years before (I hadn’t). I made it very believable but left a P.S. saying that there was another note that he should read left in a drawer in another room, which gave him just a little time to assimilate the shock before finding out that it wasn’t true.
      The result was the empathy that I’d been waiting for.
      He only had about 10 minutes of the feelings that I’ve had for the past 10 months (2 D-days) before he found the other letter but I could see the change in his demeanor the morning after.We talked about it and he cried about the ‘monster he’d been towards me whilst he was with her.(he did say and do things that were really horrible on top of having the affair with her, I hardly recognised him) Now if only I had the whole truth I honestly think we would have a good chance of ‘mending this nightmare; TIME always feels against us though.
      I must take this opportunity to thank Linda and Doug for ‘keeping me afloat’ with their encouraging emails and blogs which always seem to be ‘spot on relevant,’ for the day. You are wonderful people who I view as ‘friends’ now.

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