Good Wednesday! We hope everyone is having a good week.

When experiencing an affair-regardless if you are the victim or the betrayer – there are life lessons to be learned. This week’s discussion centers on those lessons.

Here is the question for today:

From all that you have experienced as a result of the affair, what are the most important lessons you have learned as a result? These can be things you’ve have learned about yourself, your spouse, your relationships, or life in general.

Please reply to each other in the comments. Each person leaving a comment is not an isolated incident. Also, don’t forget to utilize the new forum!

Thanks again!

Doug & Linda

See also  Don’t Take the Cheating Spouse’s Story Personally

    27 replies to "Open Discussion: Lessons Learned From the Affair"

    • admin

      I’ll kick this one off with just a few things I can think of at the moment…I’ve learned to be honest with myself, my wife and our relationship. I’ve learned to let go of my fear of confrontation within our relationship. I’ve learned to be more in tune with Linda and her feelings and needs–as well as my own. And finally, I’ve learned that everything that I’ve ever wanted and needed was right under my nose all along. The grass truly isn’t (wasn’t) greener on the other side.

      • Starting Over

        This is all so good, can I pose one question? Are you now secure enough with yourself that you can posotively say that next time you feel that it isn’t going well and someone shows you attention that the grass will not suddenly look greener again?
        Do you understand the hurt enough to avoid that temptation?

        • admin

          Good question. I for one, understand completely the hurt I’ve caused, and would never consider an affair again. Along with that, both of us have learned what caused us to get to that point in our relationship to begin with and vow to never let that happen again. Our perceptions of each other’s feelings and needs are greater, along with our ability to communicate and be transparent if there is a negative issue–and when there are positive issues .

    • Broken

      I learned to never trust anyone fully. I’ve learned that I need to be more aware of how cruel and manipulating people really can be. If I had not placed a halo on some people I would have been able to see things a lot clearer from the beginning. I guess in a way that’s my fault. I was naive and childish.

      • Starting Over

        I see your point, but this is such a negative way to think. You are right, trust is somewhat of a myth. And people can be manipulating. But what have you learned that you can put a posotive spin on? There has to be something posotive to come from all of this. You had to learn something good!

        • Broken

          I know your right, I should try to find something good of this. And actually the good thing that I have found is MYSELF. I will no longer place myself second for anyone. I come first this time around. If I want to do something, I’m going to do it. Before I was much more apprehensive, always trying to allow my H his free time, while I sat back and watched. Now, I do what’s good for me, that’s one good thing that came out of this.

          • Starting Over

            There you go!!! Thats what I am talking about! Don’t EVER forget about yourself!

    • michael

      I have to say that my lesson learned is that we can never really know someone. There is always going to be something that we keep to ourselves. I thought I knew my wife pretty well. But I never knew the demons that she has in her head. And what I have discovered and she has told me are only the tip of the iceberg.
      I now know that her trust of me has limits. She doesn’t, and probably never will, trust me with all of her. What has happened may have closed her off to me even more.
      If her thoughts don’t affect me should I worry about them. Well I didn’t and now I’m where I am. Am I not worthy of her trust. Am I truly her partner or just the father of her kids. I fear the latter is the case right now.

      • Broken

        Michael, great comment. I feel as though I will never know my H fully either. I feel like he is a complete and total stranger. While he was involved in the EA, I read emails that he wrote to the OW, and I can tell you when I read it, it was like someone else was saying those words and not my H, it was totally out of character for him. Or maybe, just maybe… that was the real him? Who knows anymore… what’s real or what’s fake. I’m a complete lunatic at this point. I don’t even know if the thoughts I have make sense anymore.

      • Starting Over

        Don’t down yourself. All of this is a learning process. You just have to have patience and learn what it is that you do that makes her not feel secure enough to share more with you. And counseling for her at least and both of you would be good. She obviously has some issues to work through and you have to be supportive and try to help her, or you will find yourself here in another few years.

        The counselors can help you with tools and excersises that will SLOWLY but SURELY help you both!

        I encourage you to go for it, take the next step, even if she won’t right now.

        • michael

          Your right, counseling would be helpful but I don’t ever see her getting to that point. Right now when I mention things she says “I don’t remember that” and “I don’t think about those things anymore”. Ok, if that’s the case she has said my healing from this is inconsequential. She is fine and that’s all that matters to her.
          I see her making an effort to connect with me again some times but the damage is done. You make a mess, you need to clean it up! We need to talk about it and. But is it just too late to bring things up again. I feel like I’m the broken dish in the corner. As long as it gets dusted who cares about fixing it.

          I have learned a lot about myself from this. I have had time to think about what’s important to me. I know a strong man can take a lot of abuse.
          But I won’t let this happen again and again. I hope she finds herself some day. I hope she comes to grip with reality and learns what is important to her. Otherwise I will stay that broken dish in the corner.

    • Starting Over

      What I have learned. About myself, that I let so many things get in the way of living my life to the fullest and enjoying what I had and who I was. All under the guise of too much stress to deal with it. I learned that you can never let anyone, your spouse or your children, define who you are or who you are being. The only way to find true happiness with yourself or anyone else, is to be the real you. I learned that you must communicate your feelings no matter how valid you or anyone else feels they are. They are after all, your feelings and right or wrong, they deserve to be acknowledged. I have learned that trust and security are a myth. As Michael said, there is always a part of us that we keep hidden. Some deep seeded thoughts or feelings that are not let out because we consider them to be to private or maybe detrimental to others.
      What I have learned about my husband; I have learned that I lost him probably years ago. He gave up. Threw his hands up and decided that he loved me enough to stay while there was nothing to leave for, but as soon as he could find something else, he was out. And when and if that dissapears I will be good enough to come home to, but not until then.
      What I have learned now. I will no longer play second fiddle to a second class person. I am done with my marraige, and soon think I will be done with the friendship part of it as well. I am begining to see how I have been mistreated through this and as I begin to know myself again, this is no longer acceptable. I will not allow anyone to treat me this way ever again. I learned that I really thought this was a better man than he is turning out to be.
      I have learned that I truly can love and give all of my heart to someone because I did with my husband. I have learned I am a good, better person than he obviously believes me to be and I do not have to stand for what he is doing to me.
      I have learned ultimately that my marraige is over, more by my choice at this point than his as he would like me to hold on and let this run its course, and I will no longer allow that.

      • admin

        Great comment Starting Over. I’ve learned that YOU have become a stronger person!

      • Terri

        Starting over
        No one should have to live through the pain, betrayal and suffering of an affair. NO matter what problems a marriage has—there is never an excuse to cheat and lie. Leave first–divorce whatever–do not add the element of someone else out of selfishness. I am sorry we are both going through it, but I think your comments show that you are raising your self-esteem and realizing marriage does not define you. You make the choice who you are and how you want to live and be treated from now on.

    • admin

      Here is Linda’s list that she just emailed me:

      I have learned that life isn’t fair.
      I have learned that wake up calls provide an opportunity for reflection and improvement.
      I have learned that marriage is hard work.
      I have learned that forgiveness is ever harder.
      I have learned not to settle for a mediocre marriage and life, now I want the best of everything.
      I have learned that love does not conquer all.
      I have learned that our negative behaviors have painful consequences.
      I have learned that I am very strong and resilient.
      I have learned how to ask for what I want and need.
      I have learned that I am responsible for my own happiness.
      I have learned not to take anything or anyone for granted.
      I learned that everything happens for a reason; you need to feel the pain of the past, learn from it then move on to a brighter future.
      I have learned that the love I feel for my husband is so much greater than the pain, the lies and the insecurities.
      I have learned that our past may have been was clouded with doubt but our future is clear and hopeful.

      • Broken

        Well said Linda. I love the “I have learned that love does not conquer all”, this is very true.

      • Terri

        i like your comments Linda

        • admin

          Terri, thanks, I like your confidence and guts to do what is right for you. I feel that whatever the outcome you will be at a good place to move forward because you are doing it on your terms not his. I feel that you could be a valuable contributor to both our forum (that we just started) and on the comments. People can learn from what you have to say. Thanks for visiting!

      • Shifting Impressions

        So well said…..I only hope I can get to this place as well.

        • Shifting Impressions

          I’m talking about Linda’s list.

    • lass00

      The biggest lesson I learned is not to believe what my husband says because I find he is still lying.
      I have learned to trust my instincts because they are always right.
      I have learned that if you really love someone you will do anything to make them happy.
      I have learned not to take the good times for granted.
      I have learned not to be afraid.
      I have also learned that my love for my husband runs deeper than I ever thought.

      • michael

        Well said.
        I feel the same distrust of what my wife says. But as of yet I don’t have any reason not to believe her. I don’t see anything on her cell bills. Or her facebook and email.
        But then the gut instinct, well that isn’t so warm and fuzzy. With what she said to me, the emails back and forth I read, and the short text conversation I had with him, I don’t feel that it is over.
        I worry about other email accounts, pay as you go cell phones, her hours at work with company phones. She has told me she would bring work phone bills but it took a couple of months and she only brought home a couple of the current months pages.
        My gut instinct as a man is that if there was someone I held such a connection with and we shared such a love of each other how could I just leave it at that and never talk again. He is scum so maybe he figured out this one was a little harder to get. But I don’t know if she has given up that dream. Maybe she just put it on the back burner. I don’t have that fuzzy feeling.
        I do enjoy all she does give me. And I enjoy that she is still here. But it feels more like a girlfriend than a wife sleeping next to me. I don’t feel that connection, but I’m giving it time.

    • Rushan

      I have learnt not to put someone on a pedestal, everyone have feet of clay and can fail. I’ve learnt that I really can stand on my own two feet, can do things alone and that I must take care of myself and not wait for other people to do that. I’ve also learnt not to trust anyone anymore until they show me they are trustworthy.

    • Heartbroken

      I’ve learned that although I thought I was a good listener, I wasn’t and am since much more alert to everything that is said or done by anyone. I learned to voice appreciation more actively and find small ways of affirmation to reinforce my commitment to our marriage. I learned that my perfect life is not at all as it appeared. I’ve learned the difference between forgiveness and forgetfulness. I’ve learned to be thankful for those things in my life that are good. I’ve learned to expect less so I won’t be disappointed.

    • Last2know

      I have learned that I am much stronger than ever imagined. That I love my husband and he loves me more than I ever imagined. I learned that I have to be okay with not trusting as much as I did before. I have learned what my husband really needs from me and how to give that to him. I have learned that I can and will survive this.

    • Terri

      I have learned that the lack of quality communication of emotional needs is a road to an affair or break-up or both. For example, my husband has said he gave me hints or thought I should just know he was unhappy. There can be no mind-reading in marriage. Since d-day we have talked more, questions, excuses, explanations, her better qualities(in his mind), compatibility, promises of honesty. I have set the boundary of no lies to me on anything. We are separated–filed for divorce. I told him I don’t want to get him back or guilt him, or pester him to change his mind anymore. He does not have to lie to me about her anymore. i guess this is kind of like reverse psychology. I have never been one to play games, put up a facade, or be indirect about things. So it feels a little like I am compromising my character. However, I feel more in control of my destiny and happier that my life does not depend on whether or not he comes back/stops affair. Maybe a clean break and then starting over is better than staying and having to work so hard on your marriage all the while with a big elephant in the same house with you. {I’d like to go on safari and kill the elephant–oops that was just my mind slipping. LOL Die a natural death is much more humane and hopefully more painful for a diseased elephant than a shot to the temple.} Sorry about my fantasy digression there. I have also learned that sarcastic humor does cheer me up.
      Ironically, he is lying to her about his relationship with me now. I won’t tell and cause a break-up, because I want THEM to end it. Only then, if he truly takes responsibility and wants to change himself–not just me changing me–then I would consider reconciliation based on mutual honesty and other conditions such as counseling or learning together to communicate effectively. Self-Help at times is more powerful than any other kind of help out there. Important thing to learn is help yourself first, re-focus off of spouse and focus on yourself and be positive about this life change. Otherwise, you can stay mad, sad, resentful, negative, etc….this only hurts who?? YOU. Not THEM. SECRET TO LIFE: Don’t sweat the small stuff. Its all small stuff.

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