Good Wednesday to all!

We’ve talked about this many times before on this site. Some of you agree and some of you don’t agree with the premise that infidelity is an addiction. So here is today’s question…short and sweet:

Is marital infidelity an addiction, or is it just a bulls@#t excuse?

Please be sure to respond to each other’s comments!

If any of you have ideas or suggestions for future discussion topics, don’t be afraid to shoot us an email and we will certainly consider your ideas. Our email is [email protected]

Also, don’t forget to utilize the forum!

Thanks again!

Doug & Linda

See also  Causes of Marital Infidelity

    31 replies to "Open Discussion: Is Marital Infidelity an Addiction?"

    • Broken

      Bullshit excuse.

    • ruth

      I do believe the longer it goes on its an additcion. My h could not stop seeing her no matter what I said. He would lie to me, his kids and his friends like a drug addict so no one would find out. Its like he was on drugs because I had no idea who he was. He was mean and nasty and angry all the time when he was with me like an addict coming off his high. He made all kind of excuses to see her. So tell me how can I be sure if he doesnt run into her again the addiction doesnt start again, like a person who is on crack and tries it one more time dont they become addict again? Linda and Doug very good question.

    • Jeffrey Murrah

      Doug,

      You open a can of worms with such a question. The question is over generalized. In some cases, the affair is a SYMPTOM of an addiction, be it a sexual addiction or an addictive personality. In most cases, the ‘sexual addiction’ term is used as an excuse. Sorting out ‘which is which’ can present a challenge for many couples.

      IF it is related to an addiction, you have bigger problems than the affair. In those cases, the addict still loves their spouse. With addictions, there has been changes in the way the brain functions. Addiction related affairs need a different approach than ‘unfaithful’ type affairs. Bear in mind, I am use generalized terms. I know that there is more to many affairs than these two categories.

      With ‘unfaithful’ type affairs, the person often uses excuses to avoid any kind of accountability. In many such cases, the person knows they are doing wrong and chooses to do it anyway. In such ‘unfaithful’ situations, there are willful choices. The brain and thinking of this kind of cheater is different.

      Much of this information has only come out in the past 10 years or so. When using PET scans, the portions of the brain that are stimulated differ between the addicted and non-addicted populations. These differences require different approaches in dealing with the situation for both the cheater and their spouse. Knowing what you are dealing with makes a major difference in how you respond to the problem behavior.

      I know this is a generalized answer. I wanted to keep it as simple as possible. I hope this helps.

      • Doug

        Jeff, Thanks for the response. Interesting stuff. You say that “unfaithful” affairs are different in nature than those that are related to an addiction. Could an addictive personality be the cause of an “unfaithful” affair? Or maybe I should say, can it be a symptom of an addictive personality? This may require too long of a response, but what distinguishes an addictive personality from a non-addictive personality?

        • Jeffrey Murrah

          You asked several questions.”

          “Could an addictive personality be the cause of an “unfaithful” affair? Or maybe I should say, can it be a symptom of an addictive personality? This may require too long of a response, but what distinguishes an addictive personality from a non-addictive personality?”

          Let me start with the last one. “what distinguishes a non-addictive from an addictive personality?’

          For this answer, let me define personality as a set of habits that a person has when dealing with others. Those with addictions have a set of habits so that they can stay ‘turned on’ all the time. They only feel alive when they have the ‘higher cortical areas’ of the brain activated. They will say and do things just to stay stimulated or worked up. They will say or do anything to stay that way. That is the only way they feel ‘normal’. They often come from chaotic homes where the chaos feels ‘normal’ since that is what they are used to. Keeping the chaos going is what they thrive on. If an affair keeps them living on the edge, they do it. They are only thinking about ‘keeping the buzz going’.

          With the non-addictive person, the affair is not about doing something to ‘get the buzz’ or stimulation. It is about going outside the marriage for sex or companionship. The thinking behind such an affair is different. For them it is not about seeking stimulation to feel normal, they are seeking the thrill for the thrill.

          Although some may view sexual addiction as a way to avoid responsibility, dealing with that issue is a more long-term commitment. They have to learn how to down-shift their brain in EVERY area of their lives. In such situations the cheater has to deal with a complete change in lifestyle, as opposed to making some bad choices. If a spouse tries punishing them or giving them ‘hell’ they are merely providing a new level of stimulation and digging a bigger hole for themselves. Keeping the chaos going is also what keeps the problem going.

          In either case, working to re-establish intimacy and healthy functioning is the goal. With the addict, it will take longer (in terms of years), as opposed to a non-addicted person. The two groups think differently and use their behaviors differently.

          I use a tool I developed called the “CHEAT” test to help me determine which type of cheater I am dealing with. It helps me know what approach to take in dealing with them.

          I can understand how ‘addiction’ is viewed by some as an excuse. Until I had read and seen the research, I was also skeptical about the topic.

          • Doug

            Jeff, Thanks for the clarifications. It’s a fairly complicated subject isn’t it? Do you feel that there is a little “addict” in all of us? Feel free to email me with the CHEAT test.

          • karen

            Question: if it was an emotional affair without sex, does that eliminate the sexual addiction excuse possibility or not?

            • Jeffrey Murrah

              HarrieB,

              You are very perceptive. I often use the sexual addiction to illustrate. There are love addicts, who have similar dynamics. They often use the sex as a way to get love and have an obsession with the romance part, rather than the sex part. Both the sexual and love addictions are very real problems for those afflicted with them. I address the issue on this hubpage.

              The challenge for many is distinguishing between obsessions and addictions. I am not trying to justify cheating by any means. I want to help people get past it. When it comes to human relationships, there are no one size fits all answers or one reason that explains what all men or all women do. It takes work to find out what specifically is behind the cheating within a given marriage and how they are going to deal with it.

              http://hubpages.com/hub/InfidelityIs-it-love-or-love-addiction

              The page will explain it better than I could in this format. I included videos of explanations and women who were suffering with that problem.

    • Broken

      I think “addiction” is just an excuse. I mean lets be real here!!! Was my H an “addict” when he met me? Why is it all of a sudden an addiction to meet someone, fall in love, and become head over heels for them? Now because were married all of sudden what was natural before is all of a sudden an addiction. Give me a break! It’s completely natural for a man and women to meet and make a relationship, that’s not an addiction, it’s called life. And when your married that doesn’t all of a sudden turn into an addiction. It turns into betrayal and deceit, but not an addiction. If my H had meet the OW and we were not married, no one would call him an addict, or say he was in an illusion, blah blah blah.
      The reality is the relationship was real and the feelings were real, the relationship was not an illusion or bubble, it was just different because of circumstances. The circumstance being me and our marriage. If he had meet the OW before me then their relationship would have been the same, they still would be attracted to each other, have great conversation, etc. etc.

      • Doug

        Broken, I can’t argue with your logic, but do you think it is possible that your husband became addicted to you and the way you made him feel when he first met you? And likewise the OW? A crack addict is not born a crack addict (usually) and does not become addicted to it until they actually use it and experience it’s effects.

        • Broken

          Doug, that’s my point that it’s not an addiction, but a feeling we all experience when we meet someone new that we like. I don’t want to put the word “addiction” on a feeling. Because if my H was only “addicted” to me and the way I made him feel, then eventually the addiction would wear off and what would be left? I can’t say that it was an addiction, but a true meaningful feeling that meant something otherwise we wouldn’t have gotten married. Now when it comes to the OW, I believe all those feelings were real and not an “addiction”, otherwise he wouldn’t have risked his marriage for it. Am I making sense? Imagine if you and Tanya were both single… and meet… do you think you wouldn’t have hit it off? I’m sure you would, there had to be some kind of connection there, I don’t want to label that connection as an addiction. I think cheaters use it as an excuse to make us feel better. Why is my H’s addiction to me and the OW different? What distinguishes between the two? Why was his addiction to me “real” and his addiction to her “fake”?

          • Doug

            I got you now. That makes sense. The distinguishing between addiction and feelings is important.

    • Broken

      Okay so what’s the difference? Why is one real and one fake?

    • Jeffrey Murrah

      There are some challenges in understanding the differences between sexual addiction and a non-addiction affair. I addressed some of those issues in this hub.

      http://hubpages.com/hub/InfidelityIs-it-an-affair-or-sex-addiction

      I will email a copy of the CHEAT test to you. I think it will help clarify matters for you.

      In reading the comments, it seems that some cheaters are using the addiction label as an excuse. When I have worked with addicts, they take off in the morning and don’t know what day will hold. They don’t plan out their affairs. One I worked with told their family they were going to the store, only to return home the next day after a binge of sexual encounters. In talking with them, it was like they were a robot being controlled by their urges rather than someone who was ‘on the prowl’ for a specific person.

      I have not even gotten into the possibility of a person being bipolar and that being behind their cheating. In the case of bipolar, adjusting their medications will often remedy the situation.

    • ruth

      Well I guess from what I have read his was not an addicition but rather an bull shit excuse. Thank you all for helping me understand this a little more. He did tell me once that he was addictit to her. But he also told me I was crazy that they were only friends. I was being to obsessive over the stituation LOL how stupid of me!

    • HarrieB

      Jeffrey. Your postings (and hub) deal mainly with sexual addiction (and physical infidelity). May I just clarify – would you consider that, under the “right” circumstances, an emotional affair could be an addiction?

      • karen

        HarrieB: Great minds think alike!! I just posted the same thought, but yours was much more eloquently stated. Very interested in the answer.

        • HarrieB

          Thanks for the compliment, Karen! Jeffrey, thanks for the reply further up this page (though I haven’t had the opportunity to look at the hubpage you have linked yet). Although there is much common ground in the postings throughout this site, I do also agree that there seem to be issues which are, if not actually unique then certainly applicable to a few examples of infidelity, and not others. In mine and my H’s situation, I find the addiction theory really does seem to fit – for all sorts of reasons – and thinking of it in this way does help me. It also helps me to understand the best way to keep us moving forward too.

    • Donna

      Very Interesting discussion. I go from thinking that my husbands emotional/physical affair is an addiction to it not then back again. I go from my husband really is in love with OW after 12 month affair to, no.. he is in denial and thinks he is. It is all so confusing. We are separated, although it really just describes that he sleeps at his work and then comes home and hangs out with kids and myself each evening and then again on the weekends. Yes, he was still seeing OW in this time to which I was unaware of and have since found out in the last month. Yes, we are both wanting our marriage to work, although my husband is in love with OW and still loves me, just not the way a husband should and he says needs to work on that. Yes, we were being intimate with each other until 2 weeks ago when he put a boundary up about that with us as he wants to start from scratch with me and laugh, hang out without the pressure of intimacy. His deepest desire is really to be with me and his 4 children, although he slips up with OW. He gets weak and calls her while she is strong and then it goes teh other way. He is strong and she is weak and calls and they start all over again. He sleeps all the time when he is at home because he is not with OW, but when with her he is never tired. When he is hurting and it is all too hard, if he speaks or see’s OW all that pain and hurt goes away. He has since not spoken with her in 4 weeks! Says he knows that they could work out and be happy if they were to marry and yes they would argue, they argue now and they are realist he says, but he know’s we can be happy again too, he just doesn’t feel that right now as he misses her so much. So right now we are more like friends seeing each other every day and on weekends etc… I hate not being able to hug him as one of my love languages is touch, I feel I am dying from lack of it. We do not argue anymore, we get on really well under the circumstances. We laugh, we cry over things, we help each other out where we can.. all without physical touching. He says that they are over, and I say they are not when they contact each other again. He says they are always over… twisted thinking if you ask me.. I just don’t get it. He says he is not like all adulterers, he is different in the fact that he has looked at all possibilities to how they could work.. he knows he would not handle raising her 4 children and not his own.Does he REALLY love her, is it an addiction, am I deluding myself as I still and so does he feel positive about our future together. How do I deal with living like I am his friend and not as a wife. How do I do this to benefit us in the long run. So very confused!

      • Doug

        Donna, It seems to me that it is time for you to lay it on the line. Basically, it’s either you or her. It’s not fair to you to have to go on like it is, and he either needs to sh_t or get off the pot, so to speak. It does sound as though he is addicted to her and the feeling he gets with her, but if he truly wants his marriage and his family, then he needs to kick his habit. Even though it is an addiction and there needs to be some support for him, sometimes tough love is in order.

        • Donna Watson

          Hi Doug,

          Crap hit the fam this afternoon between my husband and I. I was looking at his ipod and freaked out at a file on there which said ‘our music’. I looked through it and so many of the songs were love songs etc… I freaked out, uncalled for I know, but I did and told him I was not impressed. Turns out it was OW and her husbands file. He downloaded all the music off her itunes to his ipod. I over reacted and I should have asked him first. Ia m an idiot I know, I hate that I am all over the place with this stupid situation. Anyways, as I mentioned above, he has put boundaries on us as far as intimacy is concerned. Today I put a boundary up too, for us. I told him that I only want him to come over on the weekend instead of every night for dinner. I feel that hopefully this will help him really see if he wants his wife enough or not. At the moment he doesn’t want me enough, he has pretty much said that too me. He wants that to change, but is not sure how to go about letting go of his love for OW. He is logical in thinking, and I am not according to husband. I now feel bad for what I have done, for the children mainly. They need their dad and I hate that I have stopped him coming. I guess I just hope that this time he has, he will stop and think abouyt what he REALLY could lose. Before he left, I said to him that I hope he gets to the point where he will feel what the hell have I done. I have a wife and 4 children at home who love me. He said I know nothing and just assume he doesn’t already think that. He is right, I have assumed. I guess he does know that, I guess what I would hope that he would change and think, oh my goodness, what the hell have I done. I have hurt my wife so bad, I love her so much and I need her and I have been a jerk… wishful thinking on my part I guess. That is my dream, not his I guess. Now I just hope I can do this and not be calling him and needing his help. I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated from all. I love this man so darn much, but I am done with playing by his rules. I need to look after my emotional needs and right now I feel they have been abused.

          • Doug

            Donna, The first thing that I notice with your comment is that you are feeling “bad” for asking him to not come around so much. I understand that you are thinking about your kids’ needs, but HE was the one that put you all in this situation. It is HIS burden to bare. I bet he will come to the realization of what he could potentially lose and want to come back. He must end things with the OW first though. Best of luck!

    • stupidandtrusting

      To all BS’s and to Jeffrey – I am reading this particular article w/comments as today I am also trying to understand the difference between addiction and a selfish behavior. My husband’s two year EA began during a perfect storm of events, including some age related depression (i.e. midlife crisis). He seems to believe that the affair was a result of the depression. His depression got increasingly worse during his affair. He feels he may have become addicted very quickly. It seems important to me to know whether he is utilizing excuses and if there exists a tool for determining this, I would be ever so grateful to have such a tool. I am very intrigued by the CHEAT test and am wondering if you, Jeffrey, would also send one to me/us? Thanks in advance.

      • Jeffrey Murrah

        If you contact me at my email address, I will be glad to send a copy of the CHEAT test to you. Sorting through cheating is challenging since once size does not fit all, and cheaters often look for any loophole they can to avoid responsibility for their actions.
        I have seen some cheaters use addictions and mental health issues as excuses. I have also seen legitimate cases where addictions and mental health issues were a concern. It is always best to know what you are dealing with before you intervene. The cheating may be a symptom of a bigger problem.

        There are also some cheaters who are very ignorant of their own thinking that they honestly do not know what drove them to cheat. They have been on ‘automatic pilot’ or ‘robot mode’ for so long, they just react and do things without thinking. It may take them weeks or months of soul searching before they know the real reason for what they did. Expecting them to know right away is unrealistic. I know they should know, but they often don’t.

    • Donna Watson

      I am curious… maybe I am just being silly. My children are all healthy, I am healthy…. BUT, do I call my husband to say hi and touch base or do I wait out this awfully Looooonnggg week and talk to him on Saturday? I don’t want him to think i don’t care about him. I know he knows I love him, I guess what if he needs me and needs me to call and check on him and show action of my love.. Oh I hate this, please help a silly desperate wife with your ideas. Thanks!

      • Doug

        Donna, I really don’t see where it would hurt to call to “check up” on him. If it were me though, I’d let him make the first move.

    • Kristi

      I too, am one those trying to figure out if my H is an addict because he had an affair and couldn’t stop. Could you please share the “cheat test” with me? I’m struggling with this addiction, and am trying to understand. He says he is, and so does our therapist, but I only see common “infidelity” symptoms, not addictive.

      • Doug

        Hi Kristi. Here is a link to Jeff’s “Cheat test” as you requested. Good luck!

    • LizS

      Ok so I go and check out the “cheat test” and even though my husband had a affair I still would’nt know some of the answers to thoase questions.

    • Jeffrey Murrah

      LizS,

      What are the questions that you don’t know. Perhaps I can help you with them. You can email me at [email protected] is you want it private.

    • confused 2

      i never knew that you can be addicted to a person or have a love addiction until I went to a shrink and read books.

      when you emotionally attach to someone a love addict can subconsciously project their entire happiness to this person and when that person is gone then you do experience withdrawal symptoms. there are people who are addicted to the “in love” feeling as there is chemicals in our brains (dopamine? it think) and it has similar effect to heroin.

      I believe in this because I have experienced it myself. I was ignorant until I went to a shrink. I had thought that the addiction was “true love”.

      I was 14 when I first met this person (12 years ago), I thought he was my “first love” and from then on it was on and off contact (he appeared and disappeared repeatedly) and broke my heart. We didn’t even have a proper relationship and yet in my head he was still “the one” and when we didn’t end up together he became “the one that got away”.

      I couldn’t explain why even though I try to move on (dated someone else) but when he got married I was depressed and broke up with the bf. 2 year later I was dating my now husband for a year when this person emails me out of the blue and I’m depressed again and said no more contact as I felt like I wasn’t over him. nearly broke up with my now husband then it was that illogical.

      then 7 months after I got married I saw him on FB and sent a message that started the EA.

      I don’t really know any other explaination for it and now that I see it as an addiction –it makes sense. because i don’t know what else it can be. it’s certainly not true love. Inever thought I had an addictive personality I’ve never been addicted to anything before.

      I say if it is continous and repeated self sabotage and it makes a person illogical, change them for the worse and get a “high” then it is a form of addiction.

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