Good Wednesday to all of you!

We haven’t dealt very much with how an affair effects the children of those involved. The impact can be tremendous not only on young children, but grown-up kids as well. With this subject in mind, we pose the week’s discussion questions:

Do your kids know about the affair? If not, will you eventually tell them? Why or why not? If they do know, how did they react and how did you handle it?

As always, please reply to each other in the comments. Each person leaving a comment is not an isolated incident. Also, don’t forget to utilize the forum!

Thanks again!

Doug & Linda

See also  Discussion - Why Do Cheaters Affair Down?

    12 replies to "Open Discussion: Infidelity Effects on Children"

    • Duane

      My wife tuned out for 18 months. Granted she started a new job, her affair and her tenure as PTA president all around the same time, but the affair really took her out of our lives.

      I thought she was merely depressed, but she ignored the kids and they felt it. Our youngest, 9 at the time, started acting out, asking mommy to sleep in his bed at night, throwing tantrums, getting belligerent, practically begging for attention. The older one, 10, is pretty oblivious, but he was acting up in his own way.

      After the crap hit the fan wife and I were in lock down mode with the talking. For a month the kids were definitely neglected. I was exceptionally needy and wife was there for me. The kids really felt this.

      Long story short: an affair is the worst decision anyone could make in a marriage. It serves no purpose whatsoever beyond escape from one’s problems. Everyone suffers in the end. I’m waiting for fog to completely life from wife before I ask her if it was at all worth it. I want an honest answer free from justification. She’s not capable of that now.

      • maryanna1962

        I asked my Hubby the same question very recently and he said that it was most definitely NOT worth it. I know how you feel having been there myself and yes we were neglected to a certain degree, its like the person committing the affair can see no wrong in what they are doing at that time, its almost like they’re “drugged” for want of a better word. You’re gonna go through all sorts of emotions yourself over the next while just be prepared for them and be strong. Your kids are young, mine were older and we had lots of other stuff like exams and changing schools going on at the time. Good Luck

      • Doug

        Duane, You’re so right. Outside of our own past issues, we are seeing this play out with Linda’s brother and his kids.

      • jay

        Duane,

        I actually spoke to a therapist about whether to keep it from the kids because I was worried about the effect it would have on them. My youngest daughter is 15 and suffers from anxiety and sees a therapist so it was easy to get advice. He suggested I not discuss this with her or my older daughter who is 20 years old. We talked alot about the faith and trust that children have in thier parents and that although some can navigate through it he believes that it could tamper their trust in others for a very long time. This has been really hard to keep from them since my youngest obviously lives at home and just as hard to keep it from my oldest because she is truly one of my best friends. There were so many times I wanted to talk to her about it because I needed to talk and her and I always call each other and talk to one another when we need to. But I have to tell you that with or without the therapists suggestion I don’t think I would have shared this with them. My husbands emotional affair has devestated my entire life. We are trying to pick up the pieces and I believe we are both working hard at it but I just felt that I wanted to protect my children from the pain. The worst part of the affair for me is that I don’t know if I ever will totally trust again and I never want to saddle my children with that feeling. As far as asking your wife if it was worth it. My husband just told me last night (8 weeks after I found out) that this was so not worth it. He said he is sad for what he has done to me and our life and although he knows it is so hard for me he wanted me to know that not an hour goes by that he is not sorry for what he did. She may not be capable of that answer just now.

    • RP

      Our twelve year old twin daughters know that their father lied to me about some phone calls and emails and that the lying went on for about a year. They also know who the other woman is (they’ve met her, I haven’t), and they know that my husband avoids her now. They have seen us fight and they know that I am hurt and angry. They were neglected for about a month or more when I first confronted my husband. Our girls have gone from open and curious to scared and cautious. Even though we are much more stable now, after 8 months, and our girls know that we plan to stay together, I am worried that we have hurt them badly. I am also concerned that my husband’s affair and my reaction to it may negatively affect their future relationships with men. Thank you for asking these questions!

      • Doug

        RP, I can’t imagine how kids that are the age that yours are might feel after knowing about that. I would think that it would be terrifying. I know our 14 year-old was scared to death. All you can do is talk to them and let them know that mom and dad are working on things. I would think that if they know something is going on (an affair), that NOT knowing the status of things as time goes on would be a scary and nerve-racking thing.

        • Duane

          From everything I’ve read I would definitely avoid letting kids know the issue is an affair, unless it’s absolutely unavoidable. Kids whose parents committed adultery are more likely to commit adultery themselves. Sad to know.

          • michael

            I composed myself very well after the first few weeks of finding out. The initial shock and depression was deflected from a problem with us by the untimely loss of a friend of a close friend.
            Initially I let the emotions get to me badly even in front of the kids. When my son asked me if the friends loss was why I was so sad for those days, it slapped me back to reality.
            I wasn’t going to let what she had done affect my children.
            I know that even though she was still not ready to go, she was long out the door In her own mind. But I do have to say she can bury her feelings and at least look happy to the kids. And what did she have to be unhappy about anyway. She had a home with her kids and a man she could talk to and dream with. A man who wanted her more than her husband ever had. A man she had a connection with. A man that understood her and didn’t want her to change. It just wasn’t me.
            What hurts the most is that even with her continues reassuring me that she was here and trying to work on us she was still no where near wanting to. She was gone for a long time.
            Our kids, to the best of my knowledge, still don’t know anything about what happened. And at 8 and 12 I know that they wouldn’t understand it anyway. We have done our best to shelter this from them for now. and I hope its a long time before they will ever know anything about it.
            I do feel that this is a strong lesson I’ve learned. I will be better prepared for when my children come of age. To be prepared to make them strong and loving companions for whomever they find in their lives. To show them that love isn’t what you get. Its what you give.
            I have strong hopes for my son to be a better man then I ever will be. He is a good and loving kid. He has no ill will for anyone. And he sees that everyone has feelings that he dare not trample on.
            We could all learn a lesson from him.
            I have feared, for the last 12 years, for the day a man breaks my little girls heart. I know that she may not think at that time that I know how she feels. I know the world will crash around her when it happens but I want to believe my lessons learned will provide wonderful knowledge for her when it happens.

    • Kate

      Unfortunately for us, my 17yr old daughter learned of the A the same day I did, she read my open email on the computer at home while I was at work and found out about the whole thing. She proceeded to tell my parents (her grandparents) and has proclaimed an undying hatred toward my husband as a result.

      Needless to say, she expresses some very strong feelings toward her stepdad now, at the mildest calling him disgusting and telling me how she is unable to fathom why I would consider staying with him. Some of the things she says are just plain awful, even when I ask her to stay out of it since the marriage is between he & I, not her.

      She makes no effort to hide her hatred of him, which is adding yet more stress to a difficult situation.

      So, I will definitely say kids don’t need to know anything about the affair or the specifics of the “problems mom and dad are having” until things are worked out one way or the other.

    • J

      3 of my 4 children know. My oldest is taking it the hardest. It was hard not to tell them, as they saw the shape I was in. I also had NO intention of them assuming, as most do, that the man was at fault. She wasnt going to lay that trip on me. I somewhat regret them knowing, as it will effect her relationship with them for a while to come. In fact, I think it has pushed her further into the other mans arms, as she feels somewhat like the kids really dont need her, so whats to lose. When I point out what her staying out all night leaves me with, having to lie for her, etc. She is numb to her actions though. My kids actually want me to move on now. I know they want to see me strong, for them, the stability they have lost. I sometimes find that desire helps me find strength. Sometimes.

    • Lea

      My kids knew something was wrong between us. And then he moved out and in with ow. I take care of them even more so, and constantly tell them that i love them. They will be 7 and 4 in january. They had a lot problems, especially the youngest was hit hardest. And when he cried the older son used to tell him: stop crying after daddy. He is gone and isn’t coming back!
      The first weekend, i allowed him to take the kids for whole day. Ow was there too, and in the evening kids were upset. So i told h he can see kids, only at our place. No more ow around them!
      Last week he came back, and older son asked him whether he was staying for the night. H said he is back for good. And left again yesterday. I told the kids that he is away on business. This morning i was upset on the older one, when the youngest came, hugged me and said: daddy left for another family. And he is not even 4! What do i say?!
      This time i told him no contact whatsoever with for whole week, and he cannot see the boys. I know what i’ve been throu with them when he left the first time. I don’t want repeat of that.

    • Karen

      In my opinion, if you stay with your spouse you shouldn’t tell your kids, if you can help it. I am no longer with my spouse. It has been three years and I have decided to tell my three kids, 12, 14, 16 years old soon. I see the other woman regularly and my husband has recently decided to get back with her, they still treat their relationship the same and hide the relationship from all, family and friends. We were friendly, but with her now back in the picture I have chosen to keep him at a distance as he continues to hurt and use me. I had an incident where boundaries were pushed and I stood up for myself and had a huge health reaction (stress induced) that required me to put myself first fully. I had already decided to tell my kids, but there is no easy time. They were scared from my health issues, but have no true understanding of it. I am waiting for my kids to be done school before I tell them. I have decided to tell them because I think they will find out from my sister’s kids as they know and we will be visiting them and I do not want them to find out from them first instead of me.

      The main reason I feel I should is because I am tired of lying to my kids, it is affecting my health and I hold my conversations from going in a natural direction and I just feel that I am protecting my husband and not myself or the kids. I do not feel myself. I now feel that I am capable of handling whatever they may throw at me in whatever their reaction may be, before I was not mentally able. I hate when they ask me questions that I just avoid in the moment because I don’t know how to deal with the situation because of the lies. I feel like I am not being a good parent and that they can sense me holding back. This is not the relationship I want to have with my kids and does not line up with my morals and values.

      I am also going to tell my kids by myself. I broached the situation with my husband and he immediately kicked me out of his house, I tried again with a therapist present many months later and before I could ask he volunteered that he does not want to and sees it as being a triangle between the three adults and doesn’t want them picking sides and that he does not want to deal with having kids involved in this. I am creating a script so I stay on my talking points and if my husband wants to know what I said to them I will have a copy, I will answer questions, but may have to defer if I don’t have the appropriate answer in that moment. I have thought this over many times and am still very nervous about the idea, however, I know this is the right decision for me in my circumstances. It took a long time to get here though because I thought I was protecting the kids when in reality I have been hurting them because they have not had their true mother back and my health was suffering. Ever since I made the decision to tell them it has been a night and day difference in my attitude and how I am around them and in my healing. It is finally moving me forward.

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