Happy Wednesday!
Let’s get right to the point here. We feel we have an interesting subject for this week’s open discussion:
Commitment is the glue that holds two people together through difficult times. Has experiencing an affair changed your views on commitment within your marriage? What enables you to stay the course and not waver in your commitment after the affair?
We keep saying it…but please reply to each other in the comments. Each person leaving a comment is not an isolated incident. Many folks find the comments very helpful as they reflect various ideas and insights. Also, don’t forget to utilize the forum!
Thanks again!
Doug & Linda
12 replies to "Open Discussion: Has Your Views on Commitment Changed?"
Thank you so much for this site – it has helped me immensely. You two are so generous for sharing all this information. I totally support Linda in how she feels because I am also the betrayed spouse, and I so appreciate Doug for his insights as it helps me understand my husband’s actions and helps me to move forward in forgiveness.
Commitment to me comes from one’s faith – it’s not about feelings. If it was, I’d have been divorced many times over my 26 years of marriage. I’ve often felt I was the only one committed to my marriage, but I have to keep reminding myself (thanks to you) my husband would have been gone long ago if he wasn’t committed to our marriage also. We’re studying the Love and Respect book/workbook together, and I hope to move on to some of the books you guys suggest. Thanks again.
Karen, Thanks for the kind words and for sharing your comments. Best of luck to you in your recovery.
Karen, Love and Respect is one of my favorite books, I didn’t know it also had a workbook, I would like to check that out. I cried when I read the book because it was able to put into words what I had been feeling. I realized that I wasn’t frigid, or too emotional it was my way of dealing with the problems in our marriage. It also provided information concerning Doug’s behavior and what was needed to improve our relationship. I highly recommend the book.
Linda:
The workbook is something for both husband and wife to do together to talk about what is in the book as it applies specifically to your marriage. We’ve just started, and it’s tough going as we’re just a month out from D-day, but
we do it once a week right now. In fact, my husband last night when we were doing it started to point out how I “forced” him in to having an EA, and because I have read all that you and Doug wrote (at least 10 times) as well as many of the articles, I was able to calmly answer him that yes, I was responsbile for making him more vulnerable to an EA but he made the “selfish” decision to
actually have an EA – I was no part of that. That stopped him in his tracks, and I hate to admit but it felt SO GOOD telling him that!!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m also watching a DVD called Anger to Intimacy, which is really helping me understand what I am feeling. I am one to want to check things off my list as completed, so I am struggling with the day-to-day ups and downs of dealing with my husband’s EA. Thanks again.
Commitment is what you feel inside. Everyones definition is different. Its an emotion that we all learned from our surroundings and our parents.
So this will be different for everyone.
My commitment definitely has changed. I’ve become more committed to myself and my happiness. I know my commitment to my wife changed the day I learned of her affair.
I always thought that going to work, fixing things that broke around the house, doing what I could, was what I was supposed to do as a husband. I was committed to going home when I was done with work. Committed to letting go of the past that didn’t involve my family. And committed to being a stable person for my wife.
Well as we all here know. It just wasn’t enough for her. And it wasn’t enough for me either.
I have had many moments that I felt that I reached the tipping point. And maybe my commitment kept me from changing course. I just wouldn’t feel right knowing she is still here for a reason. And whatever that reason is I am committed to staying here too.
I have fought hard for my wife even when she saw it as trying to control her. But this is the mountain I’m willing to die on, and for. This is where I will make my stand until the day I’m pushed off of it. Or the day there is no mountain left to stand on. I will be here even if its just a hill left when I’m done.
I still think there is more that I don’t know. And I found out yesterday that she wasn’t honest about her use of our friends phone. But I don’t know if today it matters at all.
Michael, you sound like a decent, honorable man so I am just going to be blunt. Stop acting (not being because I dont think youare) like a wuss, a wimp and man up. Your posts are beautifully written but seriously, it sounds like a Dear Diary entry from an extremely intelligent teenage girl. From both your posts, it sounds like your wife is insecure hence craving drama of the Gone with the Wind macho kind but sadly, you are providing her the weepy, teary melodrama. I doubt she has enough self-confidence and self-assurance to realise that she has finally made a decent choice and married a good man. And all your pontificating and erudite self-discovery is probably not making it any better. She doesnt want this other Loser guy, she wants you but probably think she isnt good enough. She just doesnt know it yet and will probably never know until you man up, be a bit of an arrogant, brash arsehole and knock it into her head that you are It and am here to stay. Yell at her if you must, have hot, great sex -whatever – Do It. I wish you both luck – you guys deserve every happiness.
Wow, you sound like a real bitch. You really don’t know me and you are passing judgment on my character.
I have been the demanding one and the needy one but either way she clams up and withers there. I know she doesn’t deserve me. But I made my choice.
You are right in aspects. I tend to write my ass off about my feelings. Something completely new to me after what I found out. When I’m a dick is the only time I get anything from her.
I really don’t give a shit. I can’t change the fact that I care. And I can’t change the way she is. But I can show myself that I care about me also.
I have been the insecure one. Or at least I used to be. And I have been the one to do what I wanted and when I wanted to. That was when she felt I didn’t care and SHE decided to find love elsewhere.
The demons she keeps in her head and won’t let go of are the ones that keep her where she is. I can’t show her. I can’t teacher. And I can’t help her see that she is her own worst enemy when it come to her feelings.
Every day I hear from her. SORRY and I’ll try harder. But she doesn’t quite get it. She doesn’t quite feel it. Yes she is ashamed, guilty, I don’t know, about what she did. But she is the one that won’t man up and say this is what I did. Its always “I don’t remember” or “I was in a fog” BS.
Later when I find something new its I didn’t want to hurt you with the truth. Ok so the lies were better right? She knows what she has done. And I can only imagine the worst because I have no truth to go on. If you can’t remember what you did how can you tell me you didn’t sleep with him.
Unless she is still in that fog or dealing with withdraws why should I take those answers.
Ok so my post was a little sappy. We just lost a good friend of ours on Monday and I was in a low point. I’m entitled to my low points.
Thank you for the kick in the ass. Your words didn’t go on deaf ears. And I’m sure your not really a bitch. But it was blunt. And it did strike a nerve.
Michael: I don’t find you to be wimpy or in need of maning up. I actually think you express yourself in quite a poetic nature. I think for some people an EA leaves them bitter and angry. I am hurt, I don’t deny that but I am certainly not going to strive to be this bitter, angry or bitchy wife. First of all, that is not me and secondly I don’t think in the long run it will serve to repair or maintain a broken relationship. Maybe if you stay on that mountain, amongst other things, you wife will meet you there and at the risk of adding to sappiness, you will reach the summit together. In the meantime remember most of us are on the same mountain as you and we walk it together. Please keep of the great writing, I for one find peace in many of your insights.
Jay, Thank you so much.
Some times I steer clear from the site because I feel its not doing anything for me. But I hear such kind words and I know its not about just me.
We are doing well. I am doing well.
The loss of our friend has overshadowed everything else lately.
Remember to live life.
Tell the ones you love how much they mean to you often.
At any moment for “ANY REASON” the may not be there.
Dont Be Afraid of tommorrow.
Michael,
Well said. I must be so hard to lose a friend, especially when you are going through such a difficult time yourself. I try hard to remember to live life everyday. The past few days have seemed very hard. I don’t know why but in my head I got stuck in the past . Your words, “don;t be afraid of tomorrow” were very poignant for me, since lately I have been feeling like I am just to tired to go on. You are right. I can;t be afraid of tomorrow, hopefully it will be better.
Thank you Michael and Jay, your comment to me right now are so needed. I will try not to be afraid of tomorrow.
I agree with man-ing up! Lizzie hit it!