Well it’s hump day again!
Some weeks it’s easier than others to think of discussion topics. This was one of those tough weeks. Again though, we got this idea from one of those who commented recently. So here it is:
Is it possible in your situation that the affair can actually be a good thing for your marriage? Has the affair brought to light all that was bad in your marriage and given you a wake up call to make some changes together?
If any of you have ideas or suggestions for future discussion topics, don’t be afraid to shoot us an email and we will certainly consider your ideas. Our email is [email protected]
Also, don’t forget to utilize the forum!
Thanks again!
Doug & Linda
50 replies to "Open Discussion: Can an Affair be Good for Your Marriage?"
Definitely not!!!! Enuf said!
I had a feeling you would say that! 😉
Believe me I have thought about it… and really I still come to the answer NO!!! Going through this is difficult and painful. I would rather attain a better marriage through counseling or a heartfelt talk. But definitely not an affair. I feel like the marriage may survive and be better, but you will forever carry around the fear and anxiety and sorrow that the affair causes. Now mind you those feelings may diminish over time but when they do come around every so often, they hurt like hell. And the affair changed how I look at my husband. That is something I wish I could change, I wish I could see him the way I saw him before, but that will never come back. So it was NOT WORTH IT IN NO WAY!!!! 🙂 Doug… what’s your point of view?
Broken, In our situation, all I can say is though the result of the affair was/is good, the means to get there was stupid and it sucked for everyone involved–especially Linda. Your words pretty much say it all.
I have to agree NO WAY!!! Broken, I will also never look at my husband the same way. Before the affair I trusted him with my life. I don’t any more and right now I don’t trust him with my heart. Maybe in time but not right now. But I will say I did take a hard look at myself and now need to work on me. I also know that my gut instincts are never wrong and I should listen to them more.
Two years ago there was a moment that was perfect for my wife to tell me what was going on in her life. She had only known her future AP a month and nothing beyond talks during lunch had occurred. It was clear something was wrong in our marriage, but I had no clue what it was and attributed it to my being overly sensitive. She knew the reason and on this particular day the stage was set for an honest, open discussion between us. She says she was incapable at that time in her life to have that discussion. She was too cowardly to confess what was clouding her mind. Instead she chose 18 months of deception. Now, not only are we contending with the affair but we are finally having that discussion 18 months too late.
So was the affair good for our marriage? It was good for us. The affair has made us both reassess our individual lives in addition to the state of our marriage (no surprise that one effects the other.) It would have been better to have this assessment without the affair, but I have to agree with my wife that we both needed something of this magnitude to “wake us up.” Now, whether it was good for our marriage remains to be seen. My view of our marriage was too much an illusion. I’m glad, in hindsight, that this has died. I need to see it for what it is, a union between two people, not some fairytale. She, obviously, did not hold too much respect for me or our marriage – or herself, for that matter. If it takes an affair to make her appreciate those things, all the better – in the long run.
So the answer is yes, an affair can be good if we can learn from it, let go of our anger and attachments, and come away with greater sense of self, and more honesty, respect and appreciation for each other.
If we can’t do all of that, however, then, obviously the answer is no because our spouse is a selfish jerk ; )
D summs it up for me too. My H had an opportunity to raise the problems in our marriage some time ago. For whatever reasons he didn’t, even though I tried on occasions to discuss with him my concerns, but chose instead to embark on an EA with a close colleague and former friend of mine – it could barely have been more hurtful (or, if he thought about the outcome at all, more difficult to resolve – we, all three, still work in the same deprtment).
In many ways I am now at the stage where I can feel proud of myself for the inner strength I have found that I NEVER knew I had, for my integrity and discretion, and loyalty to the marriage. I am also pleased with myself that I have gained so much wisdom from all this. And, just as D has said, I probably needed to lose my naive view of marriage – we should be active participants in a relationship not passive recipients, and I needed a wake up call to realise this. I think our marriage is now evolving into something far better than it was. BUT, at what cost?! The pain, the anger, the insomnia, the dark hopeless times and suicidal thoughts, the loneliness and isolation, and that gut feeling of something never ever being quite the same ever again….plus, in my situation, I lost (and mourned for) not just a friendship with the OW which I don’t feel will ever be regained, but also my impression of that woman – suddenly she was not who I thought she was at all (which is a curiously important feature of all this – somehow I cannot trust my judgement). So, it is complicated….. just as D says if everyone can heal and learn from the process there is the potential for the marriage to be better … but there must be easier ways of improving a marriage!
Ruth… I wonder if I will ever be able to look at him the same, for some reason I doubt it. Once someone hurts you, you always have that fear that they might hurt you again. And even if they don’t hurt you again in the same way, the scar is still there from the first time. I also trusted my H to the fullest, now I don’t. I’m afraid to trust him again. I don’t want to be vulnerable anymore, and your right, THIS TIME I WILL TRUST MY INSTINCTS. I guess I learned something from this whole mess 🙂
I am a firm believer in good things coming out of bad situations, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say my husband’s emotional affair was good for our marriage. But now that it has happened I believe that we can learn and grow from it just like you can from every mistake if you’re willing to face it and deal with the reasons that got you to this place.
Doug,
Although some good can come out of an affair situation, but this is an area to handle with extreme caution. Infidels often seize on any reason to excuse their cheating. Giving them ammunition is like giving a kid matches and gasoline. There are many pop-culture gurus who advocate hedonism and advocate affairs as good for the marriage. They are seeking sexual promiscuity without having the guilt reactions. History has shown that such promiscuity leads to a breakdown of the family and in turn the culture. The new fads are actually the old perversions which have been embellished by trendy wording.
It is true that many marriages have become better after the affair and how it was handled. The affair often exposes aspects of the marriage that needed attention. Yes, the marriage is improved, but that is not the preferred way of doing it. I can fix my transmission after it is broken, but it would have made more sense to have done the preventative maintenance rather than waiting for it to break. Sure it runs, but waiting for it to break was more expensive. Likewise the relationship can be improved, but it is not the wisest way to do it by throwing it into crisis mode and putting it at risk.
Jeffrey, I agree with everything you wrote. I think the betrayer often finds “excuses” and runs with it to lessen the guilt or justify the affair. My H even said that “this is what guys do”. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Am I supposed to believe that all men are selfish bastards that have no respect for women or the value of marriage? I don’t want to believe that. I want to believe that there are men out there who are different. I also don’t want to believe that my son will one day do this to his own wife, because “it’s a guy thing”.
No matter what… there is no excuse. I think at the end it comes down to a persons character and morals. What they believe is wrong and right. And it also comes down to the amount of RESPECT they have for their spouse. RESPECT plays a huge role in a marriage, without it there is no marriage. If my husband respected me he wouldn’t have done what he did. You have to have respect for your spouse, even when no one is watching, even when they are not their to witness it. I had a huge amount of respect for my H before. I composed myself in a way that showed that. I didn’t openly speak to men, or flirt, or portray myself to be a women looking for something. I wanted to be a wife that my H respected because I value that. I wanted to know that he was the only one I needed. But this feeling and respect I had was not reciprocated, instead it was crushed.
Broken,
The tendency to run with excuses is not just a ‘guy’ thing. I find that it is a ‘human’ thing. In terms of generalities, not all men think that way, nor do all humans think that way.
You are correct when you say it comes down to morals and character. Many in the present generations do not respect the institution of marriage, they do not comprehend what commitment or a covenant are. They view marriage in the short run rather than the long run, unaware that it is a commitment for life. Like the Greek philosopher Diogenes who searched for an honest man, searching for people who understand and live these principles requires effort. The present generations often dismiss what previous generations learned. That dismissal of the wisdom of the aged has produced the whole “Playboy mentality” where women are view as playthings and sex is primarily for recreation.
A return to having strong families, morals and character is needed with both husbands and wives. That return is going to have to start in the homes, since so many churches have compromised and given up on teaching those things for fear it might offend or upset someone.
I wish you the best with you H. Cheating has a way of changing how you look at your spouse, yourself and the world.
An affair is never a good thing regardless of the outcome.
All marriages have issues/problems . . what distinguishes whether there will be an affair or not? Is there a common denominator? That’s what I want to know Is it a character flaw of the betrayer? Historical baggage that affects the betrayer and the betrayed so that the marriage issues were not dealt with? I’m so frustrated today from reading the posts as our stories are so similar post-affair . . . why didn’t we deal with the pre-affair “issues” so that we didn’t have to go through all this?? Why didn’t it occur to us betrayed spouses that our spouse would have an affair? We all knew there were issues in our marraiges. Why didn’t we take preemptive action instead of going through this living hell?
I’ll claim ignorance as a defense, but I think I might be fooling myself.
Karen, Great comment. Perhaps in addition to ignorance, you can add laziness or apathy. Sometimes it’s easier just to let things ride rather than putting forth the effort to make things better.
You might throw in fear as well. The thought occurred to me that she might have an affair, but I was too afraid to really consider it as reality. I wish I had the courage though. Sometimes I just hate her.
D., Why did that thought occur to you in the first place?
There were signs which I chose to ignore. She was more flirtatious, more outgoing. She was glued to her laptop. She seemed more irritable than usual. I began to wonder what would happen if I suddenly came home and found her in bed with someone. I felt these ideas came out of nowhere, but clearly my subconscious was trying to clue me in. I just didn’t want to believe it was possible. I thought we had such a magical relationship. Turns out it was as average as they come. We have nothing at all special or unique, just a marriage. Realizing that now is both tragic and liberating. After all, if it wasn’t so special, then what am I really mourning?
Then there was that unusual purchase of Monistat 7. She’s had utis before so why all of a sudden was she so secretive about this one? An obvious question needed to be asked and I didn’t want to believe it was necessary.
Today’s an angry day. That always bums me out.
Karen… I never thought my H would do this. But my marriage did not have so many issues before the EA. That’s what makes this so hard for me to understand. It’s not like the marriage was horrible, it was just fine. I’m starting to think my H just has a character issue. Because the issues that we had were not bad enough to cause an affair.
Broken: I don’t think any of us think our pre-affair issues were bad enough to warrant an affair. Does anyone??? Sorry, Doug, but I do also think there is a character issue involved on the part of the betrayers that is a partial component in why an affair. And if that character issue is not addressed that kept the betrayer from “crossing the line,” then is it not more likely to happen again? My husband and I are working very hard on our issues right now also, and he swears he’ll never try to solve our problems by having an EA again, but if it’s partially a character issue and that issue is not addressed, then
I’m not sure he’s right.
Karen, I too wonder how things can get this far when so many of us seem to recognise that there were problems before the affairs. In my case, because I had tried to talk with my H a couple of times beforehand about the fact that the lustre seemed to have gone from our marriage, but got no particular response from him, I assumed that the problems were all on my side. I assumed that he was happy with the way the marriage was and that I was the one being disatisfied. (Still it never occurred to me to go and have my own affair!) Then of course, as soon as my suspicions about the EA were confirmed, I was “encouraged” to feel that I was largely the cause (as so many others have said). All in all, it is no wonder that one’s self esteem is left in tatters (as per Linda’s previous days’ postings). I suspect now that the EA was in the earliest stages of development when I was trying to have those conversations with my H about the marriage and that he didn’t particular want to try to make things better between us at that stage. Perhaps he wanted us to not be talking about how to make the marriage better because he wanted every reason to justify this exciting thing that was starting to happen, and to let it develop “unhindered” by conscience or by my, perhaps slightly clumsy, attempts to examine the marriage. I also know now – which I didn’t recognise then – that he does, genuinely, find it really hard to talk about “emotional stuff” and he has subsequently said that I am much braver than he is in this respect (although I have only relatively recently developed this “bravery” due to my new-found “WTF” attitude gained whilst coping with the fall-out of the EA!). Perhaps it was part of my naivety towards marriage (see my earlier comments on this page) that I thought he must somehow “know” all about “how to be married” and I was the one stumbling in the dark and making mistakes….
Doug, I need to ask you this. I stumbled upon your blog while I’m trying to save myself from my mess. I have been married for many years, and for reasons I cannot even tell you, I got myself into an EA, well, it is somewhat physical as well. I know I do not love the affair partner, but I am very connected to him emotionally. I guess it’s little things that he does, the attention I get from him that made me fall for him. I just took him to the airport (he lives really far away) and emotionally I’m a mess every time I see him. On one hand, I miss him a lot, I want to be in his arms, I just want him to hold me. On the other hand, I cannot tell you how guilty I feel, as my H has done nothing wrong. I absolutely cannot tell him about this, in fact I can’t tell anyone. I’m all alone in this. I am suffering a great deal because I’ve lost many interest in life, talking to friends/family, work, doing day to day things, I just want to lay in bed and cry. I want to get out of this bad. Can you please tell me how I can forget about him, forget about the whole affair and just move on?
And to answer the question, no it is NOT a good thing. Never. I will do anything to turn back time.
Iamguilty… get yourself out of this quick. Your heading for disaster. And the pain that you will cause your H is going to be unbearable and heart wrenching for him. Stop all contact immediately. There is no other way around it, but to just go cold turkey.
I’m trying…. i’m so ashame of myself, and it is actually quite difficult to get out…
Iamguilty… why do you find it so difficult if you are not in love with him? plus… if he lives so far away, then that should make it that much easier for you.
Iam guilty
There are so many people commenting on your predicament in such a simplistic manner.It is obvious they have no concept of what you are going through
iamguilty, thanks for sharing your story. I understand your feelings and emotions regarding this man that you are having an EA with. In my opinion there is only two things you need to do.
1) End the affair. It will be difficult to do, but you need to cut it off completely. No rendezvous, emails, texts or phone calls. I suppose you can write to tell him you are ending things. Eventually, the feelings for him should fade. But totally disconnecting is a must. It should be somewhat easier to do since he lives so far away.
2) Work to restore the passion and love in your marriage. Obviously your husband may not be meeting all of your needs. Explore that within yourself and with him and go from there. At some point, to release the guilt you may want to confess everything to your husband–that’s your call though.
Obviously this is the Readers Digest version of what you should do. There are plenty of posts on this through out the site, so you might want to read on. Good luck.
Doug, thank you for your response. After you ended the affair, during your “withdrawal” period, did you feel like you lost interest in life? I have always been a very happy, active girl, nothing in the world can bother me type of person, but this is really hitting me hard. Never in my life that I thought about seeking help, but I came to realization that I might have to, since I cannot talk about this with anyone, maybe speaking to a counselor may help. He/she may not be able to offer any good advice, but at least I can be honest and talk through this?
It’s difficult for a woman to get thru EA because i felt like I’ve invested far more into this than he did. I just want to get to a point when nothing can trigger any memories between us. Right now there are way too many things that can cause me to think about him. I can’t do this anymore. I really want to move on.
iamguilty, I never thought that I had lost interest in life. I guess that’s just not in my personality. I’m sure there will be triggers for you just as there are for victims of affairs. What I can tell you for certain is once all contact has ended, and if you want to be in your marriage and work at it, that these feelings will go away. Invest the time that you are taking thinking and being in misery over the other person, and invest that time in your marriage and husband instead.
It was never my personality either… but this really hit me hard… and if anyone who is contemplating whether or not to enter in any kind of affair, please don’t. Thank you for your advices.
Broken, Your writings and comment so touch me…. it is like you have written the words for me. I feel like I am dying inside and know I am simply greiving my former life… a life I loved and thought was my future. I do not see how this affair will bring anything good……. months/years of heartache if remaining in it. To get up everyday and feel like the person lying next to you with their name attached to everything you are and have is able to betray you so deeply and blame it on you. I’m wiped out and so early in it.
Alyssa, it seems like we all have the same feelings. I can relate to everyone on this site, except the betrayers! It’s very hard, it has been a year since D-Day for me, and I still feel intense anger, sometimes I think I feel worse now then I did before. I also feel like my H is a stranger. I’m not sure who he is anymore. I can’t see anything when I look at him, besides how he hurt me and ruined our marriage. You know I read somewhere on the internet that 78% of couples that survive infidelity and remain married feel empty and unhappy. When I saw that I thought well most people must be staying married for other reasons than love. Sometimes I think its the comfort in not having to change your life. Staying with a betraying spouse is easier than divorcing, moving, selling off your stuff, alimony, child support, dating, remarrying, etc. etc.
I can’t imagine being single again, I feel like that time has passed for me. I don’t want the hassle of looking for someone new. I just want to be left alone. There’s certainly a comfort in remaining married, it’s keeping the life you built together intact and not having to build it up all over again. Is that a good enough reason to stay married? I don’t know. Is marriage about intense love and emotional fulfillment with your spouse or just like a company you both work in that you have to sustain? Whatever it is, it’s complicated and we all have different reasons for staying. I just hope that if I stay I’m not part of that 78% statistic.
Broken, I am feeling this sentiment exactly. My wife is actually trying very hard to be in the marriage although she is very adamant about not committing to the rest of our lives. I have moments of complete empathy and total rage. Sometimes seconds apart. I am definitely struggling with the question of do I deserve more? I brought the nurturing aspect to our relationship, the sentimentality, the love, balance, harmony. I realized a while ago I could offer that to anyone and if they’re mature enough they’ll snatch up those qualities in a man in a heartbeat. But, much to my annoyance, I still love the b**** enough to stay with the pain in the hopes that time will work its magic. But I do fear that 78%. Who in the hell wants to be in a loveless, passionless marriage? Who willingly wants to be settled for? I was on my own before I met her. I have a much better job now, a better sense of self, greater romance, I know fine wine, poetry, and have actually learned more in the bedroom – not gotten soft or stagnant. She’s the damaged one. The question I struggle with daily is, is she worth serving this time for? That and not wanting to battle with some other guy raising our boys. In eight years our youngest will be off to college though. I definitely feel our marriage has a shelf life.
D., do you think once the kids are off and the two of you don’t have them holding you together that the marriage will die then?
My wife has supposedly ended an affair 3 weeks ago that she has been having for the last 2 years. It has been absolutely miserable. We separated in April (her choice) and claimed to have ended it at that time. I didn’t believe it then and I don’t believe her now. I have caught her in so many lies over the last3 months it boggles the mind and I still attempted to work things out. No more. I have been lied to for the last time. 21 years of marriage down the drain. Is an affair good for a marriage? If you enjoy heartache, turmoil, deceit, and emotional roller coaster rides then the answer would be yes.
If these cheaters only knew how it felt from our end. And what they have destroyed. I bet they would stop then! Sorry dont feel one bit sorry for them and their lack of whats right and wrong there is no gray area sorry!!!
it is not necessary that easy… my husband cheated on me with his ex with whom he has a daughter, a PA for about a month. He had left her in the first place because she had cheated on him..
you see that in itself was enough for me to trust he could not do such a thing because he knew the pain. I know he dearly loved that women, but she basically rejected him after he found out. He wanted to marry but she didn t want.. and now well all of a sudden she came back running and screamed to who ever wanted to hear it that she was going to do anything to “Win him back”, while making me the bad one, saying I stole him from her.
Doing anything meant harassing me for two weeks via facebook, saying he didn t love me anymore and they had plans together, basically trying to create more shit between me and him, so she could move in closer and closer and finally a week later she attempted suicide, no once, but twice…..and called him the two times to take her to the hospital….that s the mother of his child.. i ve never had so much drama in my life as this before…enought said… it hasn t benn hard to make him come back to me with so much “craziness”.. if any thign I thank her for that
Remember what they said Ruth, WE drove them to do it so it’s our fault they cheated. The deceit and lies hurt my faith and trust in people. The lie by omission really suck. They have just enough wiggle room to justify their behavior. “I would have told you but you didn’t ask” is my all time favorite. My Dad was in law enforcement and with him there was NEVER a gray area. It is right or it is wrong. That’s the way I was raised and that is how I have treated my wife and expected the same. Unrealistic expectation?
iamguilty,
I know that something would have helped me is if my husband would have come to me and told me the whole story himself. I suspected something was wrong and I would be willing to bet that your husband does too. At first I thought it was just me being overly sensitive and I doubted my gut (something I will never do again). It wasn’t until after I confronted him about cell phone records that he was forced to tell me the truth and then it just came out bit by bit. If he would have told me the whole story himself it would have been hard, but I wouldn’t have doubted myself and it would have made rebuilding my trust in him easier. His secrecy about this woman is what let it go from an attraction to a connection to an emotional affair. Keeping me in the dark gave him the opportunity to let this happen. The longer you keep this a secret from your husband the more likely you are to let this turn into something even more devastating to both of you.
I don’t think you are a horrible person nor do I think my husband is a horrible person. I think you have let something spiral out of control just like he did. I think the best way to get control back is through complete honesty with everyone involved.
How am I not a horrible person? I know it’s wrong. I don’t even believe I am in love with my affair partner. He lives so far away, but I need to hear from him everyday, maybe it’s just that he’s feeding my ego? Maybe it’s the attention I get from him? I don’t know… I hate myself that I cannot seem to get myself out of this knee deep trouble.
iamguilty… how does your affair partner feel about ending it? is he trying to maintain contact with you? if you both back off together, I think it will be easier for you.
We have not talk about this at all. In fact, we don’t discuss our relationship at all.
iamguilty… okay so your affair partner is obviously not serious about you. Let it go! even if he was serious, you are married. respect your relationship and your husband. if you truly love your husband this would not be that hard for you.
iamguilty,
Deal with your addiction! Stop thinking of yourself and your needs. Put some effort into your marriage. My God, woman, if you care so little of your marriage, at least show your husband some respect as a human being. Why is it so f***ing hard to do what’s right?
Let me tell you that my wife and I are trying our best to heal. On the outside it seems like we’re making progress. She doesn’t see what I suppress, the angry, bitter hatred I have for her at times. Sometimes we both feel we’ll get through this, but there are also times when I’m dialing a lawyer and have to stop myself, or perusing the paper for apartments, or just daydreaming about the life of a single man, free from this devil who broke my heart. Is that how you want your husband to think of you? Get a grip before you ruin your lives forever.
Amen to that!!!!!!
There were a lot of signs that I couldn’t prove. If I asked when her story didn’t sound right I would get blasted with anger bordering on rage that I would suggest or think something inappropriate was happening. I doubted myself until I came across the phone records. There was no denial after that.
iamguilty,
You are making a horrible mistake, but that doesn’t make you a horrible person. I think you have become addicted to this man’s attention. It won’t be easy, but you have the power to get out of this if that’s what you really want. The rush you get out of contact with this man cannot be worth the pain and self loathing it is causing you to feel.
I don’t know what your relationship with your husband is like, but I can tell you from my own experience forgiveness is possible. It isn’t going to be easy. Every person on this earth makes mistakes. We all hurt people we love. It takes emotional courage to admit it and ask forgiveness from the people we’ve wronged, but it’s worth it.