Good Wednesday!
This week our discussion is centered around trust.
Here are some questions to consider and respond to:
After the affair, will you be able to trust your cheating spouse/partner again? If so, will it be the same as it was prior to the affair? What does your spouse or partner need to do to make you trust them again? How can you build trust?
Please join in and let us know your thoughts!
Thanks again!
Doug & Linda
For more information on rebuilding trust after an affair, check out our e-book “Journey to Trust: Rebuilding Trust After an Affair” and learn how we were able to regain trust in our relationship. There are also some great bonuses included where experts share some of their valuable trust building strategies. Click here now!
60 replies to "Open Discussion: After the Affair Will You Trust Again?"
Don’t think so.
When trust isn’t desired by your spouse, why should it be given?
Great topic, I was just thinking about this last night, if my marriage will ever go back to what it was, or if it could be better. But trust is the basis of all great relationships. I will never trust my husband like I did before. Never. And I hate that. I hate knowing that I will always question everything he says and does. I think trust can never be rebuilt to what it was before. That’s just impossible. Because now I know what he is capable of and who he is. I know that he is capable of being secretive, deceitful, hurtful, and most importantly a LIAR.
He actually became very good at it, was able to hold a straight face and seem so sincere. That is very scary. It’s very scary to think someone is telling you the truth and then find out tomorrow that it wasn’t the truth at all. Because then I think to myself, OMG he seemed so sincere, I believed him at the time! Sure… he can do things to rebuild the trust, like call me and tell me his whereabouts, but the truth is once someone lies to you and deceives you in such a cruel and hurtful way, you will never look at them the same. My husband can try to rebuild the trust for the future, but when he is still lying about the past, what should I choose to believe? His current efforts or his past behavior? There are still things about the EA that I am sure I don’t know, and he wont tell me, why? because he doesn’t want to be HONEST. Well if he chooses to not be honest about that EA, then why should I believe that he will choose to be honest about his present and future behavior.
Broken, Excellent comment. I believe that Linda trusts me fully now, but not in the same way that she did before. I don’t think that she feels that I would lie or do something behind her back or anything like that, but her trust issue lies with whether or not I am being open and honest about my feelings and needs, etc. Do you think that it’s possible that he has learned from his mistakes and will be honest and trustworthy to you in the future?
Doug, he says he has learned from his mistakes and will never do this again. But how do I know for sure? Trust is so important, and when someone lies to you for a long time, it’s hard to believe anything they say now. I fear that I will trust him to some level again, only to have the same thing happen again. He says that our marriage had nothing to do with his EA, but I find that hard to believe. No one has an affair for no reason, there’s always something lacking that makes you look for someone else. I can see that he was looking for admiration and an ego boost from the OW, but how can I give him those things he needs now when I don’t feel he deserves it? Why should I try to admire someone who broke my heart? I hate living in the constant fear that he will speak to her again, or that he is secretly communicating with her. It’s a very uneasy feeling. I hope to one day trust him again, of course it will never be the same as before, but enough to live a normal life.
Broken, Linda had the exact same thoughts as you do. It sounds to me like he needs to come clean and dump all of his feelings, needs, etc out on the table. Then you know where you stand and how to proceed. When he comes clean perhaps you will feel he is deserving of you to begin to meet his needs.
Broken I’m only a year off of your post but I just found out about my H EA in jan. I to am having a hard time with trust. How do I ever trust what he says when the lies came so easy for him. My H works in the same place as the OW and my heart races everyday when he goes to work. How do I know what goes on there I don’t and the trust is hard. Yes he is transparent with phone and his clock in and outs. the computer is another story he uses his work email. i don’t get access to that. But the trust sucks how do you when the lies where so easy and for so long.
Not only will I have a hard time trusting my spouse, if we should ever reunite, which is looking like a possibility, but I will have a problem trusting anyone else. Because they tell you to your face so many lies. So many things that they take back in an instant, how can you be sure that any of the things they say are true. Right now, my spouse was just kicked out for the umpteenth time. This time giving back his keys and it lasted two days instead of just overnight. When he went back, he left most of his things at the house.
He now tells me that he is VERY aprehensive about his decision and that he doesn’t know if he is doing the right thing. He tells me he loves me still and misses me terribly. But I think that he is lying to us both. I think he is telling her the same things, EXCEPT the being apprehensive part. He is telling her he is sure and wants to make it work, and is just keeping me on the line in case (I say in case, its a fact it will happen again) she kicks him out again. He knows he is getting close to having burnt this bridge at our house.
I tired to tell him I couldn’t be his friend anymore as long as he was with her. He couldn’t handle it, I couldn’t do it. But at the same time, I wonder what is in store for us. I finally have a friend, not that I am seriously seeing, but that I enjoy spending time with. My worry is that my spouse tells me that he is ready to come home, I tell my friend I am going to give it a try, I burn that bridge, and then either he or I decide, this was not the right thing to do.
I am worried that I will never trust anything anyone says again. But I have to try right? The problem is how adamant he was telling me I was the only one for him and how he loved me so much, and then an instant later took it all back and told me he hadn’t loved me for a long time. Its not just the fact that he developed this relationship behind my back. I know the signs for that, I never saw sign one that he wasn’t in love with me. It is what he told me about how he felt about me that I wouldn’t be able to trust. And if you can’t trust when they say I love you….What can you trust?
Starting Over, As the saying goes “The proof is in the pudding” That is, he needs to prove to you by his actions and words that he really wants to come back to you–and only you. Once you are comfortable that is the case then you can begin to build trust. And it goes without saying that he would need to end all contact with the OW. Hopefully he is not playing you (and her).
I think I may be the only person here who would say that I would trust my husband 100%. I feel I have no reason not to. After all, I would expect the same trust from him for me. Maybe I’m wrong about how I feel and I wouldn’t trust him, but I feel for us to move forward, I have to. Maybe it comes from my beliefs about unconditional love. Maybe, like Linda mentioned before, I am not ready to let that part of me (him) go. I just feel like if he told me he loves me and that he is regretful of what he has done (and of course his actions prove that), I’d believe him. And then again, maybe I’m just a sucker – a glutton for punishment.
It’s a daily struggle to keep the thoughts out of my head, but I do it. I tell myself that its nothing. That if he wanted to leave, he would have been gone a year and a half ago. I guess that’s just how I’m coping.
Jennifer, You may be in the minority on this one, but I commend you on your ability to forgive and trust.
After thinking about this,
There’s a couple of parts to this that come to mind.
One, is the trust that what was, is over. Trust that your spouse has actually ended it. That they have created barriers, and have made sure that the other person doesn’t affect them or their family anymore. Trust that they are not secretly communicating. And trust that if that person does contact your spouse, they will tell you and discuss it, and not hide it.
This one is relatively easy to work on. It is easy to check phone records. Delete facebook accounts. Remove friends that they have in common with the OW/OM. Delete or show your hidden email accounts. Let you check their computer or computers. And talk about what they needed from this other person, that they now need from you.
Two, trust that your spouse is putting their emotions out there on the table. That they are trusting you with their feelings and emotions. Trust that they are communicating emotions to you without fear, and are willing to take the consequences.
This one is a whole lot harder. Because at this point neither the cheating, nor the cheated on spouse, trust each other. So its a leap of faith for them to trust you with their emotions. And one they need to make because they broke the bond of marriage. You may not like what they have to say. You may change your mind on weather you want to continue trying. You may decide to kick them out.
But to use lies and hidden feelings to keep what they want is not being kind and giving to you. Its them being selfish and controlling. And we’re back to one of the biggest reasons we are in the mess to begin with.
To the wayward spouse….
A marriage is about giving. If you give your spouse the truth and your feelings, they may change their mind. They may not think they have made a good decision and want to end it. Or they may just be giving in return. The may just give you one of the greatest gifts.
TRUST.
I do trust my husband, I have to. We spend more time at work than we do with each other. I am insecure at times about it happening again but I have more confidence in myself now and I am a lot smarter than I was back then. If he cheats again it will be his loss. But he is doing everything right and we are doing really well. He and I have both changed a lot (for the better). So this month has been a good one.
I dont think I will ever trust my husband fully again. This is not he first time he has cheated on me. I dont believe anything he says because he wont come clean about his affair. He has lied and lied and deceived and betrayed more than I can count. But I do think this ow was the one he did fall in love with. The others were more of a one night stand.
I had found letters he sent to her in his email about 7mos ago. He was so in love with her told her he has never been in love like this. Told her he cant live without her when here he was at home with me in the other room. He came out and acted like the most loving husband to me. How can he act so sincere. Then the next day he would tell me that he loves me like a sister and I should find someone who could love me more. How do I know now he doesn’t still feel that way about her right now.
I think he is with me because of the comfort zone, even though he tells me that he loves me and he wants a simple life. We’ve been married over 35 yrs. He would have a lot to lose if he left. Right now I don’t believe he is having contact with her but I don’t trust him not to find a way that I cant prove. The one thing he did tell me is that she ended it not him which makes me think he will still try to contact her and if he does I will be done. I have given him ever chance I possible can. I live on egg shell just waiting for the next shoe to drop. I guess if he reassured me that it was really over I could move forward. Honestly I pray everyday that he really does love me and it really is over but I am to afraid to let that sink in my heart. I don’t my heart could take anymore. I am finding that I am worth it and I love him so much but I am not going to let him walk all over me anymore
Hi,
Could someone please help me? I stumbled on this site and have suffered the same horrific experience but how do you get to read Doug and Linda’s whole story, can’t sem to find a way?
Thanks
Ninny, You can click here to get the Reader’s Digest version of our story. The blog itself is like an ongoing story in many ways. Thanks for visiting!
Sorry if I’m being thick. When I clicked on the link it just took me to the story introduction which is what I read on the website in the first place. Doug, do you not tell the whole story or does it just go up to the bit where Linda adds her say after your brief summary? Then is the rest unfold by blog?
Thanks
Hi Ninny, Yes that’s more or less how it unfolds at this point. Thanks.
The question of trust has been an expansive topic between my wife and me. Everyone we talk to, whether in counseling or with our friends has a different opinion. In my case, as the cheating spouse, the issue of re-establishing trust is something that seems very difficult to achieve, if not impossible. When I talked to a good friend of mine, who was almost a decade out of his infidelity and still married to his wife, his notion was that “trust is ing gone and never coming back.” He figures that he could live with that as long as they were together. My priest told us that without trust, there is no marriage. He believes that trust can be re-established over time. My therapist says that I can regain a portion of trust and I’d have to decide whether 90% is better than nothing at all. For me, I simply don’t know. As the violator of the initial trust, there are times when I just don’t see how it can be returned and then my thoughts center around whether it’s something I can live with. When my wife and I talk about this, I basically was left with trust in degrees. Does she trust me with her life? Yes, she knows without a doubt that I would take a bullet for her. Does she trust me with our kids? Absolutely. I have been a great dad. Does she trust me with her love and that I will be there when we’re old? Ah, now that’s the rub. The answer is no. I hope that this part of the trust will return with time and effort, but what if it doesn’t? Do we go down this road again in the future? Can I live with the degraded level of intimate trust? Do I have a right to even ask that question? This is not a simple question to answer, but I have to hope that there is a pleasant destination at the end of all this, else why keep moving down the path? I believe that there is a way to regain it. I have to.
Ninney,
Its kind of like the info we get from our wayward spouse. Just enough to know something happened. But not enough to know how bad things got. And it comes out a little more with each post. But if I wanted all the gory details I would watch a soap opera.
What is so good about this site is the realization that you are not alone in your feelings. The ability to vent about what happened to you, and a person on the other end that doesn’t have any ties with you or any agenda in your marriage.
A lot of what is said on here helps you take control of yourself, and your feelings. Some ideas help with your feelings. Some ideas and post bring up new worries. And we ALL know that some of the comments and posts make you feel like you spouse isn’t doing enough, or could do better.
You should use this site as a friends advise. Use it or don’t use it. Take what information you have, what your spouse is doing, and what your doing, and make the best decision you can for your own future.
On here we are all at various stages of healing after what happened. And we all have had various types and degrees of infidelity. So if any of us can learn something about ourselves here then its worth it.
Hope that helps.
Guilty,
I think I have the same feelings about trust as your wife. I know my husband “loves” me, but I still can’t get those skepticisms out of my head. I’d like to think that someday, after lots of time and attention and closeness, it will just happen.
Maybe this is her secret way of telling you not to give up on actively loving her constantly. That’s what I wish I had the guts to say to my husband. Just a thought. 😉
I think it is unreasonable to ever expect that the trust you had for you spouse will ever return to the blind trust that you had before an affair.
When my spouse and I met, and started to date, we both knew that the other had been betrayed before. My spouse came home to find her ex in bed with someone. And I was informed about the sexual encounter”S” with various co-workers. So we were both wounded before.
We used to joke about “if you think you can find better, don’t let the door hit you in the ass”. Maybe that led to less investment in the relationship by both of us. But we respected each other. And we never worried about where the other was. Or what they were doing. We knew they would come home. Because we had that blind trust.
Now we worry about everything. Both of us, about everything. So when I can feel that “I will be ok” and “don’t let the door hit you in the ass” kind of trust in myself it might change. Its that trust in myself that may let me open up to trusting my spouse again. I can tell you I’m not there yet. I’m more scared of being alone than being lied to. And I have a lot of work to do.
Jennifer, I agree with your points. At first, we were very skeptical about talking to our priest. After all, what would he know about love and marriage. But this man had been my priest since I was a kid (I’m 40 now) and he seemed to have learned quite a bit. He said that love is a decision. He said that my wife had made a very difficult decision already, because if she hadn’t decided to love me and try, she would have long ago packed her bags and gone. Lord knows that the repeated lies and betrayals (were that it was simply a one time thing or a one night stand) have not given her reason to believe in a positive outcome. I have been inclined to think that in my self destructive fit she would never give me a chance. Truthfully, I still have a good amount of anxiety that some dip in the road, some argument, may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and she’ll leave. But you know, the thing about my wife is that she is such a wonderful person and so committed to us that she continues to surprise and amaze me. I wonder why I never saw this side before all of this ugliness happened. Still this won’t happen overnight. We didn’t get here overnight. I believe that it will get better, but it isn’t a pleasant journey.
I am having trouble with trust, because my husband told me that he told the ow he is going to stop the affair and told me he did it, and then afterwards I found that they are still having contact with each other via e-mail and telephone calls. When I confronted him with that he looked me in the eyes and said he can promise me that it isn’t true I must believe him, but when I asked about the calls on his phone he said: I don’t know anything about that, But the next day the name was gone from his phone. So what can I do? I so want to trust him like it was in the beginning of our marraige, but I am certain he is still keeping things from me. I know the ow and asked him to come and tell me if he heard something from her, but he is as quiet as a mouse about it. I hope the trust will come back, I pray for it everyday, but still it is very difficult
my wife clearly had emotional affair that ended over a year ago. she went through “midlife crisis” which i believe was the result of the affair. she has reached a better spot and we have done some councelling but not touched on the affair. in my private discussions on her she inisists that she had not violated our marriage vows. she refuses to read any literature on emotional affairs and their damage. she just wont face the issue. of course i find it difficult to trust without facing issue and have become “clinging” can true healing occur without admission. can it just be swept under the rug and forgotten. any experience out there. is my acceptance a judgement that she can just do it again.
ppl…. my H also refuses to believe that he had an EA. He says that’s all rubbish, and doesn’t consider it cheating because no sex was involved. He wont read articles on EA and doesn’t believe that he in fact had an EA, he says it was a friendship with flirting, yeah ok! I’m no fool. I can’t trust him for a number of reasons, but it would be a little easier to trust him, if he realized how bad he hurt me and that he did in fact have an EA.
While I don’t accept the EA in anyway shape or form, I too feel like because this issue is not treated seriously, then he has every feeling to do it again. If he doesn’t believe he cheated then why not continue this “friendship” or start a new one with someone else? This whole situation is absolutely ridiculous and very frustrating. Just because sex is not involved doesn’t make it any less of an affair. Cheating is cheating, with or without sex.
broken…does that leave us open to having ea ourselves. i think the definition of ea should only be whether if roles are reversed would you be uncomfortable having spouse in that relationship. i need to work on relationship but believe only having an ea myself will rock spouse to reality. i believe unequal rules for each spouse leads to resentment as well
ppl… I had the same exact thoughts, and still do. I wonder if I had an EA how he would feel. I have to admit part of it feels like it would be my revenge, I know that’s not the right thing to do. But at the same time I want him to know the same exact pain I am feeling. I hate to admit it but I really want to experience what an EA feels like. I assume it must feel really good, otherwise no one would do it. I want to experience the same rush and excitement my H felt from the EA. And I also feel like if I only knew what it was like to have an EA, then I could really understand the EA my husband had. My H has really corrupted my mind, I would never in my wildest imagination think that I would feel this way, but here I am, with all these thoughts of EA affairs and if given the chance would I participate in one? Not sure, but I can’t say never.
Broken, I also wanted to have an EA, however the person I wanted to have it with was Doug. I wanted so badly to experience what Tanya had. I wanted Doug to want me the way he wanted her. I wanted the feelings of knowing Doug would risk everything (including his marriage) for me. I wanted to feel as special as he made her feel, and know that he couldn’t stop thinking about me from the time he woke up until he went to bed every night, that he would do anything just to see and talk to me. That is the only reason why I wanted an affair, I didn’t want to be with someone new, different, or exciting. I just wanted to feel the way my husband made Tanya feel, I wanted to feel loved, appreciated, admired and wanted.
email me [email protected]
doubt my last post accepted. use revenge followed by 99960 then at and yahoo.com
ppl… I would prefer to keep our comments and posts for all to see that way we can get input from others on how we are feeling and ways to remedy our problems. That’s a pretty cool email address though, LOL
ppl… also I forgot to add to your comment about unequal rules for each spouse does lead to resentment, your right. I often feel like if I was the one who did this, my H would have divorced me on the spot. He would never accept it or try to forgive me. Why should I be any different? The double standard kills me.
i understand. i am more private person which was why i suggested it. but i agree with you about unequal rules.
ppl… I am very private also, and most of the time I rarely tell any body about my problems. This website is great for this though because no one knows who you are, so you can basically say everything. Although I have to say that I would say a whole lot more if given “privacy”. Would you mind sharing the details about your spouses EA? I’m always curious to know if they all start out the same, end the same, etc. I see that we have the same views on a lot of the issues posted on the site. For example, I am tired of the excuses the cheaters give. And I feel like they do blame us also. I saw you posted something about lying and how you can’t believe anything they say, I feel the same way! I’m not sure who to trust anymore. This EA affected the trust I have for my H and the trust I have for everyone in my life. If he choose to deceive me, why wouldn’t another person who I love do the same to me?
the double standard is only there because you tolerate it. i regret not doing more homework before confronting spouse. only two know the truth and i am not one of them. thought of confronting om but realized that would liberate him from fear that his wife might find out. instead i asked him to call ahead of coming to our house (he is neighbor) and i think he got the message. havent seen for three months
I also wish I had done more HW before confronting my H. I should of stayed quiet when I found evidence and then waited to see if I could snoop some more without him knowing. I confronted the OW, but got no real information from her anyway, she is single. I feel the same way also, that two people know the truth and I am in the dark. I guess your right about tolerating the double standard, but I can tell you I wont tolerate it in the future. You know I’m so surprised when I hear of women having affairs, because I thought this was only a man thing, stupid me! I just would never do such a thing to my spouse, so I assumed all women were like me, obviously not every one is the same. Men and women cheat. It’s disgusting to say the least.
Linda… you hit the target once again. I would love to have an EA with my husband, but in reality it could never happen. I’m not new or exciting, he knows everything about me already, so where would the excitement be? It’s a long shot to think they could have that “in love” and “infatuation” feeling with someone they already know so well. I wish we could get that feeling back, like when we first met. Wouldn’t that be something? But I would at least now expect some effort on his part to show me some of the same feelings he showed her, I think I deserve it. I would love if he could just pick up the phone and call me and say, Hey I’m bored at work let’s just talk. I don’t want to constantly talk about the EA he had, I wish we had something else to say to each other that was more exciting and less stressful than our usual conversations. You know come to think of it… if they only put in a quarter of the effort they put into their EA, what an awesome marriage we could have.
broken would like to talk more, you know how
broken, your post about not considering it is very telling. hate to think of relationships as deals but similar principles at times. your pledge of fidelity is great i admire it. however some would, believe it or not view as weakness, particularly spouse that doesnt value it. a buyer in love with item is totally at mercy of seller if they recognize it. not telling you, that you should have affair but if your husband doesnt think he is at risk and you agree then why would he ever change.
I took a pledge of fidelity for my own soul, I don’t want to tarnish it. If H can’t admire that or see it as a strength, that’s his problem. I can wake up and face myself and everyone else knowing that I am doing the right thing, no one will ever look at me and say, she did this or that. I want to hold my dignity for myself, and no one else. If my marriage ever fails, it wont be because of me.
As I read the blogs I find myself in the same situation as many of you. Learning how to trust my H after an EA. Four months ago I happen to come across messages left on my H’s work voicemail by a female coworker. (Can’t say how I managed to get into the voicemail in the first place.) Messages that I could not believe I was hearing. Strong sexual overtones which only led me to believe there was something physical going on between the two of them.
As the story goes, last summer I was going over my cell phone bills and saw a number I did not recognize that my H was calling and incoming calls from the that number as well. Before I confronted my H I called the number and the voicmail picks up and the OW states her name. So I called my H on it only for him to say that is was a coworker. I never heard of this person before and during this time he had only been at this job for about 6 months.
When I really studied the bills and noticed not only calls to and from work between the two of them, there were texts between them as well. And even more hurtful were some of the text dates were evenings that my H and I were out together. So the fact that he would leave my side and be so secretive as to step away and send out a text to her.
His explaination for all this was that his boss wanted him to check in and out with this OW because she had been at there place of employment a long time and could be very helpful to him. So with that said I had to believe his story. Although he admitted the calls were a bit excessive. They did come to a stop at least from a cell phone bill statement once he was off probation at his current job. After the phone bills nothing was ever brought up in regards to the OW.
I would ask him if he still talked to her and he said just small talk. So to hear these voicemail messages left by her 4 months later after the cell phone calls stopped just rocked me. My H claimed no wrong doing that they were friends and they talked. He admitted that some of the talking they did crossed the line of inappropriate. I on the other hand went so far as to confront the OW by phone. She stated that she and my H were just friends. When I repeated to her the messages she left my husband her only defense was that they were friends and they flirted.
If you heard those messages it did not sound like flirting. They both deny any physical affair and I guess I will never know. I found her spouses number and called him to share what I had discovered. Interestingly the OW spouse told me that he discovered the cell phone bills from his end and confronted his wife and that’s why the calls had stopped. Not because my H was off probation and didn’t have to call the OW anymore.
If they were truly just friends then why did he lie to me about her? Can men and women be friends on a professional level without all the flirting? My H and I have been married for 16 years with 5 kids. The OW is married with 2 kids. And according to my H was not in a happy place with her spouse as well. It sounds like my H is the total opposite of hers as I am of her. My H did agree to go to marriage counciling and we have been going ever since. As much as I want to move forward from this, I too am afraid that when the going gets tough in our marriage he will do this again.
He gets mad at me if I ask a question about her or about the situation. Or angry if I look at his cell phone and listen to his cell phone voicemail. He says that he wants to be with me and I need to move forward for this marriage to continue. But how do you? How do you trust again?
It’s funny in our counciling sessions he plays the victim. Like I wasn’t there for him emotionally this past year and our marraige was rocky. Sorry folks not every year is wedded bliss. We both work full time and have quite a few kids. The day to day stresses are real life. We have had some good times and bad. I always told him that I would leave him if he ever cheated, that is why I am so conflicted. Even if there wasn’t any physical contact, the point that they had a relationship that she could leave those type of messages so freely I can only imagine what he said to her.
I don’t expect any response but it helps to know that I am not alone in the situation and the way I am feeling. These things happen all the time. But then I ask myself why did it have to be me?
Hi Conflicted, Thanks for commenting and welcome. Your story sounds very similar to many others as well as our own in many ways. I think you probably know that your husband was having an EA at the very least. Hopefully, he has admitted that and has stopped all contact with the OW. Only then can you begin to heal and start rebuilding trust. If you haven’t already, check out this post as it might be helpful: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/after-the-affair-8-steps-to-rebuild-trust/ I also believe that he cannot be friends with her, though I think it is possible to have friends with members of the opposite sex on a professional level. Hopefully,, you will keep coming back here, and feel free to join the forum and reach out to others in the same boat.
sorry conflicted. my spouse also doesnt admit affair. all signs there. i feel vict on two sides one as trust destroyed, the other treating me as if crazy. if you stay with it, maybe can heal without admission. spouse trying to work it out just cannot admit it to me and perhaps herself but trying to rebuild trust anyway.
Conflicted… just curious, what was said in those voicemails? Also, when you spoke to the OW what did she say when you told her that you heard the voicemails? The OW in my H’s EA also denied anything sexual, but didn’t deny that my husband wanted it to turn sexual.
Broken…On the voicemail this OW had a very sultry way in her voice. Speaking very soft and sexy. The two messages that stung me the most was that she says and I quote (” You seemed a wee bit upset when you zoomed past my office. I need you to know that you know I like you, you know I think your hot, you know I like to f–k you, you know I think your funny, you know I like hanging out with you. Sometimes things can’t be the way we would like them to be. Maybe we could meet after work at (Blank restaurant).”
The next message and I can’t remember all of it but she says to him “I’m horny, although you were taking care of last night as was I” Then she mentions something about a number like a room number and how she wishes they were there now.” So of course my H claims he has no idea why she left the messages other then the fact she thought he was mad at her and wanted to reassure him. But the part where she says she likes to f–k him. He said maybe she meant f–k with him.
My H swears they were never physical and I have to believe him. Why should I he lied to me about her in the first place. My H does have a low self esteem and I don’t know why, he is a very nice looking man. I am sure she boosted his ego, but what kind of woman talks that way unless they were having phone sex.
Through my H and my talking he has gone into more of the detail of her life. She has a H that never communicates with her while my H is a talker. Her H is not looking very good physically these days. She is also very into her children. When I confronted the OW H he asked if I thought they were having sex? I said I wasn’t sure but from the message she left I would have to say yes. The OW H also said that he would not break up his family and would live unhappily as to keep his family together. When I spoke to the OW the first thing I said to her was who I was then asked ” So how long have you been F–king my H” She kept saying I don’t know what you are talking about. Then I repeated to her the messages she left. She sat silently and had no response. Then she said we were friends and we flirted.
I said to her “You call that flirting, what kind of woman, mother, are you to carry on that way with another womans husband. I then said to her “If you want my H you can have him!” She repeatedly said “I don’t want your H” I don’t believe she would have left her H for mine. My H has a lot of baggage 5 kids. I think that the two of them enjoyed each others company and liked the attention. My kids are everything to my H and I don’t believe he would readily give that up, however I feel the two of them liked that fantasy they had going at work, but then they both go home to their reality.
The issue now for my H is that this OW does not look or speak to him at all. After I called her H instead of him confronting her, he called one of her female friend coworkers to find out if anything was going on between his W and my H. From there is snow balled. Seven weeks after the whole discovery my H boss called him into the office and told him of the rumors going around between he and the OW. His boss said that she didn’t care what happens outside the office but that if anything was going on at work it needed to stop.
My H has been a paranoid wreck about all this as he is afraid of losing his job. As I told him, if you were being professional and there was no wrong doing, then what do you have to worry about. At one point after this all transpired, the OW came up to my H and said ” I have a message for you, If you talk to me about anything other than something work related, my H will break your nose.” That was the last conversation that my H had with her. She also made the comment “Is your W going to leave my family alone now.”
About a month ago the OW boss had the talk with her that my H boss had with him two months earlier. They don’t report to the same supervisor. The OW was livid. After three months of not speaking, not even looking at my H she stormed into his office very upset that she was getting talked to by her boss. She said that she didn’t need that stress in her life. The stress at work, her home life, and how she has a low immune system, and the common denominater was my H. Funny how she takes no responsibilty for any of the things she did or said. My H is afraid she is going to try to have him fired. I feel if they were such great friends, would she really throw him under the bus. Maybe.
The thing is my husband was quick to delete the messages left by her so if anything was being investigated he has nothing to back him. When this all transpired the OW H sent me a copy of his cell phone bills so that I could see how much she was not only calling his cell but his work number. My H was quick to rip it up stating we didn’t need that constant reminder. I still have a copy of my phone bills however.
It’s funny my H said yesterday he just wants to be able to go to work without always worrying. He wants to be able to walk past the OW in the hall and be cordial and say Hello. For him that would make it easier for him to go to work. I say too bad. I tell him all the time, you could have had that professional friendship but you both screwed that up. Now you both have to pay the consequences. I don’t want my H to lose his job over this but he is so consumed now with paranoia.
I think it’s interesting that this OW has so much hate for my H when four months ago he was this great piece of cake. Sorry if I babbled I have so much of this inside. All the counselor ever says it you need to let it go and if you are frustrated go punch a punching bag. My H and I argue all the time that I need to put this behind us. For me four months is still pretty fresh. Last night my H went to counseling alone. I did not feel like going as it seems to always be a bitch session of who’s not doing what. The counselor did tell my H that he needs to give me more time to heal. I love my H and the life we created together. It bothers me that I don’t trust him. He tells me that he doesn’t want to live like the beaten up dog for the rest of his life and I don’t want to be this way either. We all deserve happiness.
Conflicted, I don’t mean to butt into you convo with Broken, bu just wanted to say I enjoyed your comment. Especially the last paragraph. It’s amazing how their relationship soured isn’t it?
You are not budding in at all. I welcome any and all comments. It’s therepy for me to put it out there. But yes it’s very interesting that the relationship soured. She takes no responsibility for any of it. I have to admit I am glad that it did, but it doesn’t stop the hurt of the relationship they did have. To me the fact that it soured so quickly appears that the friendship was pretty superficial. Neither one of them thought they would get caught. I have always told my H that the truth always comes out sooner or later. So be honest about things.
It seems as soon as they realized what was at stake, the relationship soured. Hopefully, you are on your way to recovery.
I can only hope so. I have really tried hard to move forward. First and for most we have made a consious effort to take time for ourselves. We try to have a date night at least two times a month. We have even done some role playing to spice up the marriage. Like the beginning of the Movie Four Christmases. The part that gets me in all this is that we never lacked in the bedroom. And I was always up for trying new things. So why this other female distraction? My H has always said he wants to grow old with me and that he can’t see himself with anyone else. He has always said he loves me. I feel if he feels this way then why did he hurt me the way he did.
Sounds like you off to a good start, Conflicted
While I feel like we are off to a good start, the ball has been completely in my court. Two nights ago my H and I had a heart to heart. In a nut shell of the conversation he said I needed to move forward without bringing it up to him. He more or less said that if I can’t move past this then we needed to consider going our separate ways. Despite so much at stake, our children, our home. The thing I have told him was that yes I am trying hard to put the past behind me however, I won’t forget what happenend. He feels like I should act like it never happened. Easy for him to say. We have decided we were done with the couples counsiling and I am going to seek someone else alone to talk with. I need help moving forward from all this and since I can’t bring it up at home anymore, I need someone who can guide me into a mentally better place for myself and my family.
Conflicted,, show todays post to your husband and see what he thinks and if he agrees with any of it: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/surviving-infidelity-the-top-26-things-you-both-must-do/
Wow Conflicted that is some pretty serious drama. It must have been hard to listen to those voicemails. I never saw any sexual emails like that. My H also swears that nothing sexual happened. But what cheater would readily admit to it anyway? They would all swear up and down that nothing happened. Ahh!! I hate that this happened to me and you. I feel sorry for every spouse in this situation, because I know how much it hurts. Like Admin said, it is amazing how sour the relationship turns when they are found out. As soon as I found out about the EA, she immediately began to treat my H like a piece of garbage and even called me some names. What a great friend she was before I knew, and now her true colors come shining through.
I am not sure if I can ever trust my wife at the level that I did before the EA. I was so totally blindsided, when I stumbled across it, that I actually trust my own instincts less. We have dealt with a lot of it, and on many levels gotten better. I am really stuck in the insecurity and jealousy of the OM. The EA is over but I am still suffering. I think about the OM and I get jealous and insecure. It thens moves towards anger towards my wife for putting me in this situation and being so selfish. That’s where I ususally check out mentally and disconnect from her emotionally until I get my mind back on track. I need to find a way to get over the jealousy and insecurity. I am still so hurt by the EA. I never thought that I would feel emotional pain like this. My heart goes out to anyone dealing with this. Everything I knew has changed, because everything I thought was, wasn’t. I bounce from I love you to I hate you. I am sorry to vent, but I just found this site and need to get some things out. I have dreams about searching OM out and beating him up and telling his wife about his EA. I want him to feel the pain I feel. I want him to feel like a failure as a husband. I want him to feel the jealousy and insecurity that I now feel daily. And then I remember that my wife initiated the whole thing. It was her high school boyfriend from 20 years ago. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! I have forgivenher on many levels, however, I am not sure, at this oint, if I will ever let it go. I was there for her and she chose someone else because she didn’t have to be there for him. That hurts beyond words. Okay, I am done for now. Thank you for listening.
Bent, Thanks for commenting and welcome! Just curious, how long ago was your wife’s EA? There are several folks on here that have endured similar situations and feelings as you, so keep coming back for support.