I had a problem with wanting to stalk my husband’s affair partner. I finally was able to stop!
By ‘TryingToGetOver’
We are 22 months beyond our third and final D-day, and me giving an ultimatum. We’re doing surprisingly well, honestly.
My husband has had much personal and spiritual growth over this last year and a half. He looks back at his affair fog with a lot of understanding of how lost he was.
We’ve also learned to recognize what a deep depression he had been in, and with the help of counseling and his daily meditation practice, are getting to the roots of that depression.
He tells me he stews in his own regret every day, but that he doesn’t dwell on what my husband’s affair partner is thinking or doing. As far as my husband is concerned, she needs to attend to her own family, work and spiritual life and that is that.
I can’t be sure he never Googles her. I can’t be sure he doesn’t have a secret way to communicate with her. Certainly he did before, back in his cheating days. But he says he is having zero contact and I am trusting and believing him, because he seems to be at peace.
It’s me who has the stalking problem!
I struggle with the misconception that I won’t be fooled again as long as I keep track of her.
I blocked her on social media but it doesn’t take a genius to find ways around that. I convinced myself that I just needed to know when she finished a work project she had done with my husband’s help.
Many of us on these boards have spouses who strayed with coworkers and I’m no different. My husband quit the project, but I’ve watched, for a year and a half, to see if she would ever post about it – telling myself that it would bring closure.
Meanwhile, my workplace offers free individual counseling sessions to employees so I took them up on it.
I suspect most coworkers use it to vent about their careers but I use mine to treat the emotional scars I now carry.
After a few sessions of working on the repercussions of being betrayed I said I was tired of tracking my husband’s affair partner. It keeps her in my life when I want her out.
The therapist asked, “What would happen if you stop checking in on her?”
It was a strangely terrifying thought.
My unreasonable fear…
The affair would begin again. It makes no logical sense of course – she was my Facebook friend while she slept with my husband. Clearly I have zero control over her.
The therapist challenged me to quit cold turkey for a week. No peeking.
I did it from the Wednesday to Wednesday around Labor Day weekend and my family was so busy and distracted with the start of the school that I didn’t even feel it. And I’ll admit it was relief, like someone took away a chore I hate.
Some eight days passed and then I was back into my normal routine. I had a down minute at work and stared at my computer. I congratulated myself on having taken a break, and then I peeked.
Ha! It had happened. Sometime over Labor Day she posted about the project. She didn’t mention my husband. The thing I had been waiting for happened. And nothing changed because of it.
Meanwhile, when you stalk an AP, you hand yourself a problem.
If you find out anything interesting, you kind of have to share the information with your spouse or you just get into your own weird cycle of secrets. I had to tell my husband that she posted about their project. “Wow, that took a long time,” he said.
You’re telling me!
I’m thankful that he doesn’t judge my stalking. The therapist doesn’t either. I am the one who hates it.
I would love to hear from others who, in this age of social media, have managed to quit peeking in on an AP, and how they do it.
I’m ready to give it up.
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Thanks so much to ‘TryingToGetOver’ for sharing her experiences with us in the aftermath of an affair. We love to share articles from our readers. So if you’d like to submit an article for us to possibly post on the blog, feel free to contact us about your ideas.
13 replies to "No Peeking: I Finally Stopped ‘Peeking’ In On My Husband’s Affair Partner"
Our situation was a little odd because the OW spent about three years after d-day launching one attack after another. We received death threats, hang up calls at all hours (all anonymous of course), vicious attacks on social media, you name it. She went after our older two kids online, even going so far as to create fake profiles and join a closed Facebook page for their church youth group. It was terrifying. Her own lawyer dropped her and told our lawyer she was crazy and we should “watch our backs”. So on the advice of both of our therapists and our attorney, we did keep tabs on her whereabouts for awhile. This fell to me of course, because there was no way I was letting him have any connection whatsoever.
Having said all that, once enough time passed and I was comfortable stepping away from the computer, I still had the odd urge to look her up. I think I wanted to find evidence that her life wasn’t great. She had stolen and damaged so much of mine that I’m ashamed to say I wanted to see her life in ruins.
One thing that helped was I made it a rule of thumb to never look at her Facebook or twitter accounts impulsively. I always made myself wait one day, and usually by then the emotion had passed and I no longer wanted to look at it. For the occasional times I did, I always asked myself WHY and tried to understand what drove it. Fear? Anger? Hurt? Once I could name the emotion I tried to think of other ways to deal with the emotion that didn’t involve looking up that skank. Because I found that it’s never about HER. It’s about ME, and where I’m at in the journey of healing.
EG- It’s now been 8 years since the affairs. I still, from time to time, take a peak at facebook or twitter to see what the OW are doing. As to WHY I look, I never thought to ask why. However, the emotion that comes up is anger. Eight years later and I’m still angry. Do you ever have regrets staying married?
I think, like Soul Mate below, in my own situation I am committed to helping my husband be the spouse I deserve and that he wants to be. Quitting our marriage and giving up on him would go against everything I want and aspire to. It would also then feel like the AP won and split up our family in the way she intended. Her marriage is misery for her and it was important that she spin a narrative that ours was miserable too, but it never was, and my husband wants me, not her. So though forging ahead is tough I do not regret it. Watching friends go through divorce is also awful and gives me no envy for those who have to walk that road to get their life on track. Plenty of people need to divorce for their protection and sanity but I don’t kid myself that it is easier than rebuilding a marriage, it is just a different journey.
Tryingtogetover,
Right on. It’s been the ride of hell, but I sometimes think in his own lost way, he needed to challenge our love to realize that love is unconditional and doesn’t just stop due perceived failures.
Peace and thanks again for the thoughtful blog.
It’s a tough road to walk when the truth comes out. I’ve been at this for over a decade and he’s still thinking about her. I looked her up once and decided never again. Consider this: it’s not about her — it’s about him and his neglect of you. And … you cannot make someone else be faithful. I’ve tried for years and it doesn’t work. Sometimes I regret staying married but the thought is momentary. I step back and look at the other components of my life which I have built over the years to cope with the loneliness and am proud of the life I live. To answer the question of how do you stop checking on the OW – shop online instead. Even if you decide not to buy, it’s entertaining! Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best.
Good Blog,
This topic validates me as I too was stalking her to the point of nausea.
I guess for me it was because of how I found out. She was a coworker. One who my husband rarely talked about.
I found out by receiving a letter at my work shortly after my husband had lost his job. So I did something I had never done before. I logged into our cel phone account and looked at his phone records and there inside that insurmountable log of repetitive numbers was the whole story.
Thank the great creator of the internet, for Spokeo, truthfinder and all the other websites that allow you to look up phone numbers in search of identities from whom the call came. I found her. And the world fell endlessly away from me right there, in my office at my workplace. And I held on for dear life!
I’ve written about my journey through the hell of infidelity extensively on this website so I don’t want to repeat it here in this comment, however wanted to express my experience and reason for stalking the Skankface, as my husband and I so fondly refer to her now 2 years post.
For me, stalking her was my way of defense. You see, once I threatened her with ruin on DDay, she ran like the slug she is right back into her hole, and she deleted all photos from her social media. I am a pretty direct kind of woman and have no bones about making myself very clear about what I will do to take you out. When threatened, I am more of a fight personality. No one gets to have (fantasize or otherwise) what is mine! Attack me behind my back! I took her presence as a threat to my life, family, home and everything my world was made of. I immediately hated her with a vengeance. My defenses blew up and I wanted to destroy her as I felt attacked, judged, disrespected, raped, stalked and degraded by her very existence. It took every bit of my restraint to keep myself from getting in my car and going to her house and squeeze the very life out of her with my bare hands. I searched for many months for a clear picture of her on the internet so that I could see my attacker and know what she looked like for my own protection only to find none so I continued. I constantly felt a sense of doom, paranoia and defenselessness. It’s awful when you can’t defend yourself against an unseen enemy. And I’m the type that faces things, I don’t run away or lurk around or feel like I’m less of a person. I will look for the fight and fight to the death. I will stand my ground!
Finally, a little over a year later she posted an updated clear picture of herself on facebook and I was shocked. She is nothing…never has been…never will be. My hypervigilance ended right then and there. My sense of the unknowing and insecurity poured out of me like a rush of warm water pouring out of my soul. I was no longer afraid, I could finally see my attacker. I actually asked my husband what the hell? She’s a turd! She is and always will be a nothing. I could see it in her eyes. I felt release. I knew my husband had ended the whole nightmare on the day I found out. For me, that didn’t make a difference. But what did was finally looking that putrid face in the eye and knowing I could take her, in every aspect of what it is to be a woman.
I will be forever vigilant, attuned, watchful of my husbands behavior, his needs and his actions and he has been for me and states almost daily that for the rest of his life, he wants nothing more than for me to be happy. because I’ve chosen to stay in our marriage, he is grateful. He has proclaimed his love for me from the very start and has blamed himself from day one. I will love my husband and forgive him for my own and his happiness and healing. But I will never forget the Parasite who attacked my sense of self. The very essence of what it is to be a woman, a lover, wife, mother grandmother, sister, daughter. Every aspect of my identity. How she reduced my husband to an mentally abusive liar and cheater and completely broke his sense of self. And though my husband tells me that she will be forever his shame,and he hates her for that, that he lived that shame while he was in it and was relieved when it was over and she was finally out of his life, I will never forget that he allowed it. That he was weak, depressed and felt unloved as he says. And he says that he will always be ashamed and regret the pain it caused me as well.
For now, we both hold tight to each other. The pain of abandonment is subsiding for both of us as we both felt it. That the lingering pain of this experience has subsided for both of us immensely and we are closer than we have ever been.
I’ve defeated the monster that attacked my family through my husband. It wasn’t the Skankface. I’ve realized now that my husband was the one who has been hoarding and serving his own demons. I’ve watched the breakdown of a good man for years before she came along. She was just a symptom of his insecurity. His depression, his belief that he is unlovable and unworthy of love. Now those will forever be the foes that I fight with him. These are our enemies. He is now realizing those emotions have a hold on him and is now sharing those thoughts with me more than ever. If this experience is what it took for him to face his demons, than so be it. Those are the enemies that caused his collapse in the first place. And now I can see the enemy head on and face that Bitch with a vengeance!
Skankface is erased!
Peace
Wow, I can relate to so much of this. My husband battles the same things, and has for years. One year ago he succumbed to them and began an emotional/texting affair with his ex girlfriend from 30 years ago. It lasted about 3 months. I discovered it soon after it was over, by chance, and have suffered ever since. He has committed to no contact with her and transparency with me, and has shown remorse and apologized. However, he still battles depression, insecurity, anger, and blame. He wants me to “get over it,” and if I express my feelings to him, he reacts with anger, viciousness, blame shifting, etc. He is not happy, and I am not happy, and we are both stuck. How can I help him to make the transition into self-care, and healing his demons?
Hi C E,
I can only say this. You can listen to him. My husband has had many traumas in his childhood. And although he did, he never really showed the impact of those traumas. He was a very likable man with a great sense of humor. Very caring and loving but also a strong sense of duty and deep responsibility in his life. He was a wonderful father and husband for most of our marriage. And we were very close. We were happy. And married for almost 30 years now.
He had been through about a 4 year bout of life altering occurrences that took place and I believe now that those events triggered his thoughts of emasculation, sense of shame and insecurity and depression. I saw this in him and could not reach him. He clammed up, became angry and would not talk. Oh did I mention that cute little thing he has called stubborn pride? 🙂
He met Skankface at a new job while in his funk. While he was raging inside and couldn’t get along with anyone. Co-workers, family, friends and me. He pushed everyone away. This was way before he met her. She was his Case Manager and he worked directly with her. The one thing I did was take Linda’s advice, I asked him one day after Dday what was it that she did for you that I couldn’t. And he said, she listened. You know what I told him? I listened always, until you shut me out. I also told him that listening doesn’t mean that your always going to be validated. That he needed to listen to his own thoughts as he is an intelligent man. He knows deep down inside what is right and wrong. If someone is validating insecure or abusive thoughts by telling him he’s right, that’s not listening, that’s sabotaging a person for their own gain. It’s destructive behavior at its worst. And very self serving.
That is when he opened up about his thoughts and feelings. His pain from childhood. His thoughts of his recent perceived failures and how I would leave him because of it. And he still has a lot of those thoughts. Instead of thinking he was giving me an excuse for his AE, I listened and accepted his pain. I forgave him.
It took a very long time for him to truly open up. He’s still working on himself but now he’s expressing a part of himself he kept hidden from everyone. I’m OK with that.
Now I see my man again. He hums when he’s working, jokes and laughs, smiling at people and reconnecting with our family and friends. He takes an interest in our home projects and wants to stay home sick and “play” for the day. He has since started a new job and is well loved by his bosses and coworkers. Most of all He wants me all of the time. 🙂
There is a world of advice on this website. We the betrayed need to introspect too if we mean to move on. I am very thankful to everyone on this site for their wisdom and great advice.
Peace
My husband had a 3 month affair with his ex from 25 yrs ago. My husband and I have been married for 17 yrs with two children together. She lives in Germany and supposedly was here in Philadelphia for work. I found her address written on a Radisson hotel paper. He claims they only slept together once but im not sure I believe him. I went into a state of depression, lost weight, could not sleep for weeks. I know he loves me and he is deeply sorry for the pain he caused. We are now in counseling. I find these blogs to be very helpful knowing im not the only one going through this nightmare. I hate that I cannot stalk her because the only social media site she is on is linkedin. I have Google her a hundred times hoping to find something new but only a picture comes up.
I know the feeling Shannon. Been there, lived that nightmare. Hugs for you!
Shannon, meant to reach out and check in on you. The early weeks are the worst and literally make you sick. There’s always pain after being betrayed and extreme lows but overall, things do smooth out a bit and the event grows gradually smaller in the rearview mirror. Just want to say hang in there and take care of your own sanity. Counseling is smart, for me couples’ counseling and my own grief sessions too where I could have therapist listen to ME exclusively. Let us know how you are doing!
It’s almost 4 years since Dday 1. It has taken me this long to slow down to a trickle how often I “peek” on the harlot. Lucky for me, she has always lived in another country, so their affair wasn’t physical, but the sexting, videos and such were there and the intentions to consummate their relationship was also there. To this day, I am still in counseling, from three times a week down to twice a month and I can honestly say that it was the best decision I ever made; it has helped me grow, mature and sit back and LEARN. An affair is not exactly the road I would’ve chosen as a teaching experience, but if I had to live through it, the least I could do is take something from it and use it to grow…..I have been bitter, and angry, and homicidal for a very long time, I have finally let go and let God….that is not to say that I have forgiven the harlot, I don’t think I have entirely forgiven her, it’s more like I have decided that she doesn’t rule my life and doesn’t get to decide how much space in my head she gets to have, so I have stopped stalking her on social media and have instead filled my life with other things that bring me untold joy, like the fact that I will become a grandmother for the very first time next month!! (I am 51 years old, so a young grandma in my book!) I don’t think that I have regained back much feelings for my husband, so I mostly cruise alongside him not taking many things personally and letting go of many things that would’ve driven me all crazy had his affair not happened…..I decided that I was going to live life for ME and my children and my closest friends and family and that he can come alongside me if he so chooses, but he no longer gets to sit in the driver’s seat anymore…..that’ll be me, thankyouverymuch, and if you don’t like it, you can get off at the next stop!
Mine is worse because once I discovered my husband blocked her on my social media. She’s all over still has stupid video she’s talking about him as her man on tiktok. I keep stalking because of fear they might end up together again even though she said she doesn’t want him anymore after he used her. I talked to him on WhatsApp she lied and he also lied too. Trust is a big issue . I apologised and regrets genuinely