Confronting the other woman may seem empowering, but it often leads to more pain. Instead, focus on healing and rebuilding your life with dignity.
Image by photosvit
By Sarah P.
Please note: While this article focuses on confronting the other woman in cases of male infidelity, it’s important to acknowledge that women are equally capable of cheating, and the dynamics discussed here can apply to those situations as well.
Discovering your husband’s infidelity is one of the most gut-wrenching betrayals a woman can endure. In a storm of heartbreak, rage, and disbelief, many wives feel an overwhelming urge to confront the other woman. It feels good to imagine exposing her, shaming her, or (in the best-case scenario) scaring her away.
But before you channel your inner warrior queen, take a moment to consider: Will this confrontation give you what you really want? Or will it leave you feeling even more humiliated, powerless, and broken?
Before I dive in, I wanted to talk about a fictional character I find inspiring. Let’s take a quick peek at Vikings, the hit historical drama, where one of the strongest women in television history, Lagertha, found herself betrayed by the man she loved.
The Vikings Love Triangle: When the Mistress Wins
If you watched Vikings, you probably remember how the legendary shieldmaiden Lagertha was betrayed by her husband, Ragnar Lothbrok, when he had an affair with Aslaug.
At first, Lagertha ignored the growing tension, hoping Ragnar would come to his senses. But when Aslaug became pregnant with Ragnar’s child, the betrayal could no longer be ignored. In a moment of raw, heartbreaking reality, Lagertha confronted both Ragnar and Aslaug, expecting him to choose his wife and warrior queen over a seductive newcomer.
But instead of standing by Lagertha, (his Queen) Ragnar chose Aslaug (the soon-to-be baby momma). Lagertha lost her throne and her husband and this was Aslaug’s plan all along.
Aslaug, the mistress, became his new wife and bore him more sons, solidifying her place in history while Lagertha was forced to carve out a new life on her own.
Lagertha did not waste time trying to destroy Aslaug. She walked away with her dignity, bided her time, and later returned stronger than ever, not as Ragnar’s wife, but as a ruler in her own right.
Also, under Viking Law, Lagertha was able to reclaim power over the Kingdom that Auslag stole from her, which was a bonus. But, Lagertha acted on her own behalf and reclaimed her power.
And in the end? Aslaug may have won the man, but Lagertha won back her rightful place and became the victor and ruler of the kingdom.
Real-Life Horror Stories of Confronting the Other Woman
While Vikings is historical fiction, its love triangle reflects the painful reality many women face. And in real life, confronting the other woman rarely ends in victory. Here are a few cautionary summaries I have found online.
Horror Story #1: The Mistress Who Enjoyed the Drama
Jenna had been married for 15 years when she found out her husband was cheating. Blinded by rage, she confronted the mistress, expecting guilt or shame.
Instead, the woman smirked and said, “If he really loved you, he would not be with me.”
Jenna was left feeling crushed. Instead of an apology, she got cruelty. Some mistresses thrive on the idea that they “won” a man, and they are okay with twisting the knife deeper just to watch wives suffer. While not all mistresses are this way, some exist.
Horror Story #2: The Public Embarrassment
Rachel found explicit messages between her husband and his mistress. In a moment of rage, she stormed into a coffee shop where the mistress was sitting, hoping to expose her.
The problem? Someone recorded the entire confrontation.
Within hours, the video was on several social media accounts and fodder for TikTok. With no context, the other woman framed herself as innocent, making Rachel looked like the unhinged wife.
Meanwhile, her husband stayed out of the spotlight, refused to confront the issue, and quietly continued the affair.
Horror Story #3: The Mistress Who Played the Victim
Lisa sent a furious text to her husband’s mistress, telling her to back off. Instead of apologizing, the mistress forwarded the messages to Lisa’s husband. Lisa’s husband denied the affair and accused Lisa of attacking someone who was a mere acquaintance.
Suddenly, Lisa was the bad guy, while the mistress continued to play the innocent victim and even threatened Lisa with restraining orders.
Worst of all, Lisa’s husband continually denied the affair and caused Lisa to question her sanity.
When Contacting the Other Woman Turns Into a Positive Experience
Why Most Other Women Do Not Care How You Feel
The harsh truth is that most mistresses do not care about the wife. They live in their own world, focused on their own desires and goals.
To the mistress, the wife is just a concept, not a person. She does not see the late-night talks, the shared struggles, or the years of commitment. She tells herself whatever she needs to in order to avoid guilt.
For some women, being with a married man is a form of validation. It makes them feel powerful, desirable, and special. The fact that he is with her, over his wife, feeds her ego.
Does she think about the wife? Maybe. But in her mind, her happiness matters more than a stranger’s pain.
Then, there are mistresses who genuinely believe they are in a love story rather than an affair.
They see themselves as the new leading lady, and the wife is just a temporary obstacle.
The mistress sees herself as the princess and views the married man as the Prince Charming she has been waiting for. She might tell herself that there is no love in your marriage and this distances her further from having any sympathy for you.
Many mistresses operate under a cold, self-serving mindset. They did not take any vows and therefore they are blameless.
In their eyes, they are not responsible for the marriage. If the husband is cheating, then they think the wife caused it. They are knowingly participating in deception, but it isn’t their problem.
This rationalization allows them to ignore the reality that their actions are hurting another woman.
FREE Resource: For a concise guide with reflective questions on whether to confront the other person, including the pros and cons of such a confrontation, click here.
Does the Mistress Ever Feel Guilty?
Some do. There are mistresses who eventually realize the damage they are causing and end the affair. They are few and far between.
Others go on to experience the same betrayal later, when they find themselves married to a man who cheats on them.
But many never feel guilt. They justify their actions and are able to distance themselves from the wreckage they cause in the lives of others.
What to Do Instead of Confronting the Other Woman
- Confront Your Husband: But, only do this if you have irrefutable proof of the affair. Also, make it clear what you want your husband to do about it, if you seek to save the marriage.
- Keep Your Dignity: Stay in control, even if it is hard and be sure to find someone trustworthy to talk to.
- Protect Yourself: If you are considering divorce, quietly gather financial information and consult a lawyer before making emotional decisions. Also, hire a forensic accountant to ensure your spouse has not diverted funds.
- Seek Support: A therapist or coach who specializes in infidelity can become your ally. You need someone who is 100% in your corner and who never blames you for your husband’s actions.
While I have featured the song below before, I am loving how Beyoncé uses it to take back her power.
Final Thoughts: Choose Power, Not Drama
In the past, I entertained the idea that confronting the mistress was plausible. I probably felt this way because a part of me wished I would have confronted the woman who broke up my first marriage.
But, after specializing in working with infidelity for over 12 years now, I understand that confronting the other woman isn’t viable.
Whatever path you choose, spare your dignity, don’t let your husband steal your sense of self-worth, and find supporters who rally around you.
Navigating the aftermath of infidelity is an incredibly challenging journey, one that I understand deeply from both personal and professional perspectives. If you’re seeking personalized guidance and support during this time, I invite you to explore my mentoring services. Together, we can work towards healing and rebuilding.
5 replies to "My Views Have Evolved on Confronting the Other Woman"
What do you think of this article? Do you have any horror stories?
Lucky me, my husband had two women he was having emotional affairs with.
One he reconnected with on FB and at his high school reunion. The other women he still works with and has been accused by other wives of “stepping on toes” as far as playing “work wife” with the married men she works with.
One I confronted only after I gathered all the evidence and I stuck to facts only.
I messaged both her and my husband with what I knew to be true.
How I discovered the affair was my husband bought me a new car and he loaned my old car to the OW because she was taking a traveling nurses job in a nearby town. Ouch!
I actually went along with it before I started investigating their relationship through phone records and online activity before I freaked out. I pretended I was fine with this close friendship.
When I finally confronted my husband and he denied everything and then asked if he would be okay if I had this same kind of friendship with another man that he was having with this woman. It was a solid “No!” I also asked him how he would feel if I bought him a new truck and loaned his old truck to another man that was his wife’s “friend”. Also a hard “No!”
I tried to call the woman he works with, but she wouldn’t return my call. She ran to my husband instead asking him what to do about me.
I did finally meet her at a work party where I overheard her telling some other wives how she has pictures of all the men she works with in her home. And how her new boyfriend was asking who all the men were. She kept telling him they are like her brother’s.
I have maybe two pictures of my brother in my home and they’re a family group shot. I also have zero pictures of the men I work with. She’s a sad woman. I feel sorry for her.
Oh my goodness! I have heard the same story that the female only wanted to consider the men in the office as brothers! Funny, a note was found that said I can’t wait to have lunch with you after we had endured another 9 hour heart surgery. That doesn’t sound like she wanted a sibling relationship to me! Many lunches later, she requested a lunch to have her “brother”listen to her sad story of her same day divorce!! So, lost a husband, but still had a faithful “brother” that would make a lunch date and listen to her story and make her feel still okay with men.
They are evil witches. I confronted the OW and she and her friend assaulted me, lied to police and I got arrested. I was dragged through court and had additional charges with false accusations of breaking no contact orders. She sent herself fake friend requests and spoof calls. I don’t know who was more stupi, the police or the prosecutor. I finally won but only after lawyers fees and 2 years of he’ll. It set back my healing. Hopefully she gets her karma.
The OW is the mean girl. Mean girls grow up to be mean women who ostracize any woman they are envious of or feel threatened by.
They are insecure and need to be validated by unavailable men to feel their worth.
They are the vultures. They don’t know how to have a loving respectful relationship with a man, so they try and take it from other women.
They convince themselves that they’re winning, but you don’t win by cheating. What you win is loss of self. Your character, your reputation, and man that was also willing to disrespect his wife and marriage for what?
No one wins in an affair.
The trickle effect with your reputation and the aftermath in everyone involved last and last.
That’s why divorce lawyers are rich and marriage counseling is a booming business. This is why families are divided and often kids are acting out in schools. Because it’s very mentally distrustful to everyone.
The dynamic of discovering cheating is no different than finding out you have a loved one hooked on drugs or alcohol. Affairs are their drug of choice. They are numbing out on the affair and everyone is gonna suffer.
They need to find better coping mechanism and their spouse and family needs to be supported too. It’s so sad.