music therapy

Music Therapy is used for many different issues, from stress relief to mental, emotional and behavioral problems and has been shown to help treat depression and anxiety.  So, let’s start our own music therapy playlist!

By Doug

The other day I was at the YMCA preparing myself for a treadmill session.  It was an unusually crappy, rainy, cold day for May and I wasn’t into it at all.    Running on a treadmill is boring as hell on a good day, and pure torture on a day that I’m not feeling it.

Luckily, I had my iPhone with me and my trusty ear buds.  I opened up the Pandora app to one of my favorite “radio” channels, cranked it up and started the treadmill up to brisk walking speed.  I figured I’d do a brisk walk instead of a run and get the hell out of there. 

Then a song that I really like came on and got me going.  It motivated me with its upbeat and pulsating rhythm.  The lyrics were pretty good and the instrumentals appealed to me a great deal.  There were also some positive memories associated with the song itself which added to my experience.  It was like a rush of adrenaline that quickly made me crank up the volume of the song as well as the speed of the treadmill.  The next thing I noticed my walk had turned into a run. 

Now this is far from anything to do with affair recovery or music therapy, but I think it is an example of the kind of effect music can have on a person.

Music’s Influence

The notion that music can influence your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors probably does not come as much of a surprise.

I’m sure that many of you have experienced the pumped up feeling of a hard-driving rock and roll song, or perhaps driven to tears by a moving live performance or tender, sad song. If so, then you can easily understand the power of music to impact moods and inspire action.

From forum posts and mentions on the blog by readers, it’s very evident that music can be of great source for inspiration, motivation, calm, distraction, happiness, etc.  as one meanders through the affair recovery process. 

We feel strongly about the benefits of our version of music therapy that we included a song each day as part of our Empower ME! Program.

But to be clear, this post is not meant to be a high-level look at music therapy and it’s benefits and features.  That would be boring. Rather, I’d like this to become a resource of sorts for those of you who realize the benefits music can have on a person.

That said, here are some factoids from the American Music Therapy Association:

 

What is Music Therapy?

Music Therapy is an established health profession in which music is used within a therapeutic relationship to address physical, emotional, cognitive, and social needs of individuals. After assessing the strengths and needs of each client, the qualified music therapist provides the indicated treatment including creating, singing, moving to, and/or listening to music. Through musical involvement in the therapeutic context, clients’ abilities are strengthened and transferred to other areas of their lives. Music therapy also provides avenues for communication that can be helpful to those who find it difficult to express themselves in words. Research in music therapy supports its effectiveness in many areas such as: overall physical rehabilitation and facilitating movement, increasing people’s motivation to become engaged in their treatment, providing emotional support for clients and their families, and providing an outlet for expression of feelings.

What is the most common type of music in music therapy?

Music therapists utilize music as a therapeutic tool; the genre and type of instrument is tailored to the individual and to the goals that are established between the client and the music therapist. Since music choice/usage is tailored to each client’s needs and preferences, there is really no “most common” type of music or instrument.  All styles of music have the potential to be useful in effecting change in a client’s or a patient’s life. The individual’s preferences, circumstances and need for treatment, and the goals established will help the trained music therapist determine what music to use.

Music Therapy is used for many different issues, from stress relief to mental, emotional and behavioral problems. It has been shown to help treat depression and anxiety, and is often used to help elderly clients deal with memory loss associated with diseases such as Alzheimer’s Disease and Dementia.

 

Inspiration Required

It seems like we spend so much time and effort on all the bad shit that is part of the infidelity experience, that we need to throw out some effort at inspiration now and then.  So that’s what I’m going to attempt to do here.

I came up with this idea yesterday while mowing our lawn when a song came on that got me going.  Years ago, I was also mowing my lawn when I heard a song that particularly affected me.  (You can read about it here: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/a-staind-emotional-affair-trigger/ )

Following up on my idea, first thing this morning I asked Linda if she could remember any particular songs that were of help and inspiration to her while we were going through our challenging period.  Now, keep in mind that Linda is not a very musical person in that she doesn’t remember names of bands, much less names of songs.  So needless to say, she wasn’t very helpful with providing me with any specific songs.

But what she said – and that might be useful to some – was that the songs she did listen to during that period of her life helped to take her mind off of  the bad stuff more than anything else.  A distraction, if you will.  They were also a source of comfort for her.  Listening to music was something she could do every day that was consistent.  That is, the songs and their lyrics wouldn’t change.  There was a predictability about the music which was a calming force during an unpredictable situation.

The benefits you derive from music may be an entirely different experience, but no less impactful.

For me, I find all sorts of music inspirational and or motivating.  Right now, one of my favorites is this one by Shinedown:

The lyrics are mostly about depression and grief.  Granted,  I’m not currently depressed or grieving in anyway, but for some reason the song just has an inspirational and emotional effect on me.

Shinedown frontman Brent Smith wrote the lyrics while helping his bassist and friend Eric Bass (great name for a bassist!) trying to cope with depression. It’s a subject Smith is intimately familiar with, having encountered his own demons and refused to give in to them.

Smith says, “We don’t want people to feel ashamed about what they’re going through. …You’re not going to be defined by your failures,” Smith said. “You’re going to be defined by the fact that you didn’t give up.”

What Next?

Okay, here’s what I’d really like to see happen with this post.

I’m going to get the ball rolling by posting some videos that other readers have found to be inspirational and/or helpful in some way.  Hopefully, that will be the case for you as well.

Then – and here’s the vitally important part – I’d like for you to add one or two of your own favorite inspirational, healing or motivational videos and/or songs in the comment section. It would be great if you could provide the video link, but if not, that’s OK too.  Instead just provide the artist and song title and I’ll find the video (if one exists).

What I’ll do then is create a separate page (and provide you with the link) with all of them in one location as a resource for anyone who wants to utilize it for themselves to “Get Up!”

Sound good?

Good.

Here we go…

Lucy Spraggan- Fight for it

 

Rita Ora – Grateful

 

Rachel Platten – Fight Song

 

Mandisa – Overcomer

 

Andra Day – Rise Up

 

Kelly Clarkson – Stronger

 

Aerosmith – Dream On

 

Now, please add your own contribution to the “music therapy” affair recovery playlist in the comment section.  I’ll put a page together with them all at a later date – once the comments stop coming in.

Thanks!

 

 

Photo: Tinh Te Photo

 

 

    33 replies to "Music Therapy – Your Affair Recovery & Inspiration Playlist"

    • Shifting Impressions

      This is an interesting topic, Doug and I can totally relate to it. I’ve always been someone that enjoyed time alone and quiet. After d-day I simply couldn’t handle the silence whenever I was alone. It’s only been in the last half year or so that I can handle some quiet again. (So five years of having to play music whenever I was alone). I agree that often it was a distraction but many of the songs were complete heart breakers that helped me pour out my grief. You know sing along off key and cry at the same time…..not a pretty thing to behold but remember I would do this when I was home alone or in the car.

      Every time I would hear a song that would touch something inside of me I would add it to my play list. I’ll have to go through that list and see if there are some titles worth sharing. To this day I play that list of songs at least once, almost every single day.

      • Doug

        SI, Thank you. I’ll be anxiously awaiting a list of songs from your playlist!

      • Sarah P.

        Hi Shifting,
        I am SERIOUSLY looking forward to your playlist. I have found heart breaking songs allow us to cry and release emotions that need to go. I release my stress and frustration by crying and I do it alone and in the closet or while alone in the car. I hate crying around my kids because they don’t understand that it’s how I release stress. I am not a yeller. I am not a drama queen. I am the even-keeled, stiff upper lip person that both of my kids need right now. But, I still feel the stress and so when I do, I sneak off to the closet and cry quietly.

        Recently, I have been taken off guard because I will start crying when telling a sad or moving story. I was telling my mom about that movie where a boy had drown and died. He had been dead for a total of three hours. (One hour underwater and two hours attempted resuscitation). They brought his mom was told that he was dead and given time to say goodbye. All machines had been turned off and all efforts stopped. I started crying because I remembered what the mom did when she saw her son. It took me five minutes to be able to get the words out. The mom started yelling out loud that she knew God was there and she demanded the Holy Spirit to breathe life into her son. He kept demanding this until her son coughed up water and had a pulse. This is based on a true story – all medically documented. He was alive in machines but braindead after that. The mother kept demanding for a miracle and she wouldn’t let the hospitals turn the machines off, even though her sons lungs were hemmorgaging blood. Didn’t matter. The mom kept demanding Divine Intervention and she got it. Her son left the hospital about 17 days later and his body and mind was fully restored. It was the first medically documented case of its type. I kept crying while trying to tell this story. My youngest son almost didn’t make it because his lungs were full of fluid. There was no known cause. He was rushed to the NICU before I could even see what he looked like. So, that movie about her mother bringing her son back really got to me. I can’t talk about the movie (which is a 100% true story) without crying.

        I know what it feels like to drop to my knees and tell God to breathe the breath of life into my son’s lungs. (And God came through along with the help of the medical team.) But the medical team had done all they could and it wasn’t going well. I remember dropping to my knees and speaking life over my son. I will never forget it. Because who can forget that. I was alone in doing this because my husband wouldn’t call in and cancel his shift, even though he could have. I still resent that.

        I have been oddly weepy these days even though I am not depressed. The tears sometimes come without warning.

        Does this happen to anyone else?

        • WhoKnows

          Sarah,

          I’m moved to tears by your story. Life needs a miracle. I am oddly weepy these days too, so I’m with you.

          Thanks to all for sharing your playlist. I haven’t listened to anything much for a long time, probably since DDay, and even in the couple of years before that when CH was in the A and even though I didn’t know at the time, he made my life miserable and I allowed myself to be manipulated by him. It’s time to pick that back up. I will go through all of the recommendations here. Thanks Doug for the brilliant idea.

          • Sarah P.

            Hello WhoKnows,
            That was one of the most terrible days of my life. Not knowing if my son would make it. I had a rough pregnancy. One doctor was sure he had Down’s Syndrome. We had to wait three weeks to see the specialists who did the amniocentesis. It was a trying time between me and my husband. I told him that I would NOT abort our child if he had Downs. I told my husband we would prepare, but abortion was out of the question. I told him our son was no less a human being than any of the rest of us. My husband was not so sure. His parents had caught wind of it and his mother told him to abort such a child. I prayed without cease for three weeks. When the amniocentesis came back, there was no Down’s Syndrome present. Funny because it had shown on the earlier scans. Then, I had to be induced because I had that deadly high blood pressure. The delivery went well except he wasn’t breathing. All the doctors looked at each other and I knew something was wrong and off to the NICU it was. They wanted me to stay in my hospital room until they figured things out. My mom got a prayer chain started. On Day 2, things were not looking well, so there I was, on my knees, telling God to breathe life into my son. My husband refused to stay in the hospital even though he could have cancelled. I had to go at it alone that day, praying without cease. That’s when he started to make a rapid recovery and I could sit in the NICU. I could not stop crying. One of the nurses was so rude. She asked me if I was on drugs. That made me so angry. I gave her a urine screen and told her to tell me. She very sheepishly apologized later because I was NOT on drugs. She didn’t understand why I was crying so much. I had almost lost my son and she couldn’t understand the visceral grief that was tearing me apart. (Wouldn’t someone on drugs be checked out? Just saying!) I was fully present in the experience and had no drugs to dull my feelings. That’s why I cried. The doctors refused to give me hope. They wanted to prepare me for the worst. And that was the other reason I was crying. I had finally got to SEE my son in the clear incubator in the NICU. He was fully intubated and had a feeding tube that ran down his nose and into his stomach. I was still hearing “we are not sure if he will make it..” And the nurse could NOT understand why I was crying and my husband fully checked out by heading to work, even though his boss had told him he could have the day off. So, there I was alone in the NICU, no husband, wondering if my son would make it. I still remember pleading with my husband up to the last moment to PLEASE STAY with me because it was too much. He just callously got dressed and walked out of the hospital. I was still wearing my maternity gown and still in the same room where I had given birth.

            Who knew this thread would be depressing. My son lived, but he is my little guy on the autism spectrum. My oldest son has been suicidal, on and off, for going on 1.5 years. I homeschool him. And guess who deals 100% with my youngest son’s autism and my oldest son’s bouts with suicide? That would be ME. And me alone. Except my mom does help each day. But, it’s basically just me and my mom.

            So here is a question for the betrayed spouses . I have NEVER cheated on anyone. Ever.

            Are deeply monogamous people made differently?

            Do we dive into the most traumatic parts of life without complaining? Do we carry those who need to be carried without grumbling?

            I do not resent my sons. They are the loves of my life. I would do ANYTHING for them.

            What I am saying is, I just automatically dive in and fix whatever is going on.

            My husband runs from these things, just like he left me alone in the NICU that day to fight for our newborn infant.

            I don’t run. I roll my sleeves up and I get to work, whatever life throws my way. I stick by loved ones in the darkest times. If some random stranger is flirting, I ignore it. Even if my marriage is not going great. I operate from the higher Good as much as humanly possible. As a human, I have flaws. (Duh!!!!) I have lots of them. But, I do show up and keep promises.

            I show up when the going gets tough.

            Betrayed spouses out there who have always been monogamous. Can you relate to what I am saying?

            Are these the character traits of people who have always been 100% monogamous, no matter how bad it got?

            Anyone care to chime in?

            Sarah

            • WhoKnows

              Sarah, I’m deeply touched by your story. Your sons are so lucky to have you as their mom. My son is on the Spectrum too and that’s something my CH cannot face or deal with so I can really understand some of the pains you’ve been put through. I wish I still have your attitude: to roll your sleeves up and get to work no matter what you are facing. I used to be like that too, but I’ve lost a lot of it since DDay. I don’t know when I will regain my strength and get back the passion to live, or if I ever will. This is what I hate the most about the A, it broke me in a very deep way. My H is diagnosed with Autism too after DDay. I have had my suspicion for a long time. He was running away from all of these and turned to the OW to live in his illusionary world since she was the one who would tell him he was fine and had no issues blah blah. Guess what, no matter where you run or how you pretend, reality will still catch up with you some day. Now he is remorseful but he doesn’t have the skills necessary to fix what was broken. My son’s situation is not getting better and I can see how he might very well end up resenting everything and everybody because he couldn’t feel anyone can understand him one day, just like my husband did. I cried many times over this and just often feel I cannot carry on any more. Oh god, I want to run away too, but I would never cheat while I’m still in the marriage. This is just who I am.

              I’m just in a really rough patch these few days. I hope this will pass and I will see some light soon.

            • Hopeful

              Thank you for sharing your stories. You are so strong even in the hardest of times. I do think we are made differently. My husband and I have been talking about this a lot recently. He just takes in and sees the world differently. Even when something really bad has happened to him all of his own doing even in his younger years he says he never thought about it. It did not make him down, feel bad, depressed or sad at all. And I am talking about major things like a major injury or things like that. He never thinks less of himself. He also never worries about getting work done or responsibilities. He has a very lassiez faire attitude. The only place that is not true in his work. He is almost verging on a work a holic. I attribute that to him being excessively competitive. I think the contributes to how he reacts to anything in life. He tends not to see anything as a big deal. I do understand he sees the worst of the worst at work. But this is our/my reality with our kids for example. If something goes wrong I know it is not the worst thing but it is the core of our family. For him it is easier to minimize, sweep it under the rug or compartmentalize. I would say most of the responsibility for our kids falls on me. I have to basically assign specific responsibilities to him. I do understand he does not have the flexibility to play phone tag with a doctor’s office, take them to the doctor, talk with teachers since his patient load is so busy. It can be so hard. I tend to be an introvert and isolate but it is exhausting, more emotionally than physically. I work really hard to have an open dialog about this. It is just not easy

    • Nearly Normal

      I’m not sure if i did this right. If it works, this is a good example of what i go for. Relaxing, soothing, trying to find the peaceful spot. Sometimes I go weeks without taking a deep breath. this sort of thing helps

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWtb7LyhQvk

      • Sarah P.

        Hi Nearly Normal,

        I had never heard of Camel until now. How did an English progressive and experimental rock band from the 70’s and 80’s escape my notice? That’s some pretty cool stuff! 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

        And here is one… ever hear this one by Chris DeBurg? It is NOT “Lady in Red” and I promise it has a mind-bending twist.

        https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MIhF2AY8uLs

        • Nearly Normal

          Cute

    • Doug

      Thanks NN. That is relaxing. It would be great to meditate to as well.

    • Bor

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zG644yMCHPg

      anything christen helped as i know they didn’t listen to that music. This is a bit of a trigger (youtube playlists) for me as our therapist at the end of her last relapse and return to counseling suggested we do a playlist for each other. She was suggested a song by one of her friends (because apparently she needed help to make a playlist) and she said not that one i have that for someone else. I had put it on my playlist for her. Ouch! i quickly deleted that one and haven’t gone back to playlists since.

      • Doug

        Thanks for the contribution Bor. Sorry this might have been a trigger for you!

    • Sarah P.

      Hello All ,
      Do we have any musicians here? I was a professionally trained singer for many years: opera and jazz. I did church solos and weddings as a hobby in college. I started training in opera at the age of 14.

      I wanted to know if anyone is aware how sound affects the body?

      For example, certain tones can physically change the shape of both sand and water. Scientists use tone and frequency generators to show how sound changes matter itself.

      Sound can both make the body ill and it can heal the body. There are sacred tones: 432 hertz and 528hertz that reduce stress.

      I let these tones play at night, especially when I am physically ill.

      But, I am more of an “album” person. When I went through a traumatic experience at 20-years-old. It was an album called Little Earthquakes by Tori Amos that got me through it. I played it hundreds of times on repeat. That album spoke to me at that time.

      When I was going through the trauma of my ex, I stopped singing and turned music off except for The Beatles. I will never be able to stop listening to them.

      But I feel like my ex literally stole my voice on many levels. This blog has been essential to me to
      “Relocate” my voice and myself. After I started writing I was able to start singing again.

      When I started listening to music again, it was either classical, folk, Jazz standards. But, it was mostly Christian music. I started listening to Christian music in 2005 and that’s a all I listen to now: the modern Christian music on K-LOVE.

      Toby Mac
      Mandisa
      Casting Crowns
      Chris Tomlin
      Newsboys

      Just to name a few.

      But here is a music that I use to meditate using the sacred tones.

      https://youtu.be/EPpDgjlyeu8

    • Sarah P.

      And Lauren Daigle. She made her debut on Ellen even though she is a Christian singer. Her album out sold every other genre. Go Lauren!!

      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RcjgIEtKes8

    • Sarah P.

      And for the prayer warriors… don’t forget El Shaddai.

      https://youtu.be/DuXB1a3NBCw

    • Sarah P.

      Finally, for those who want to see how sound changes matter. Here it is. Each frequency creates different geometrical patterns to form. Here they use sand as an example. If sound can change the shape of sand, which is a type of matter, it makes you wonder how sound can affect the material body. Just a thought. If anyone thinks these videos are fake, they are not. When I was much younger and single, I dated a guy with a PhD in chemistry. He was working on nano technology and all kinds of other things in the mid 90’s. He had access to a lab and would show me all kinds of things that could be done. He knew about frequencies back then. He is now a thought leader in Silicon Valley and has 45 different patents in his name.

      So, these videos are not hoaxes.

      https://youtu.be/wvJAgrUBF4w

    • Sarah P.

      And finally… look at what water does.

      https://youtu.be/IYRPy2G4TKs

    • Hopeful

      Music was a necessity after dday. I could not stand the silence. I could not sleep. I listened to music all the time. Sometimes it would make me cry but most often the rhythms would calm me. I had my ear buds in at night and I would play music on repeat all night. It really was my salvation. I am not a religious person but this really was what I turned to. It really was so powerful. I love that music can work for anyone since there are so many options for everyone.

      • Sarah P.

        Hopeful,
        I love all music and have listened to all genres. After my kids were born, I have been listening to Christian music in the car because I know the DJ’s won’t say something crazy. I had also listened to this station that played the unedited version of Closer to God by Nine Inch Nails. (It’s an x-rated song. Couldn’t chance it with little ears in the car). I never knew when the station would play what, so no more secular stations.

        Music is healing. I can’t live without it. I had discovered Death Cab for Cutie right after my ex forced me to move out by becoming violent. I had this coworker and she had dated someone from Death Cab. She gave me their album Plans and told me to try it out.

        https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=G4sS0x61BI0

        The song above is one I played at least several times a day for a whole year, hoping it was true. This song is VERY visceral. It still affects me. And yes, they are one of the non-Christian bands where I am a die-hard fan. I didn’t shut out music completely. I had to shut off all the stuff me that me and my ex listened to because it triggered me. He had never listened to Death Cab and I played that album on repeat; but especially the song in the link.

        Hey everyone… listen to the song and tell me if you can relate.

      • Doug

        What are/were some of your favorites, Hopeful? We need your playlist! 😉

    • Susan

      Like Linda, I can’t name artists or song titles to save my life, but I love music and this is such an awesome idea. Thank you so much, Doug!

      • Doug

        Thanks Susan. If you happen to remember an artist or song that was special for you, please post it. That will be your mission for the day! 😉

    • Stronger

      Pink Beautiful Trauma album seemed every song fit and her new recent releases that I’ve heard it seems as though she’s experiencing major changes in her relationship also. That is the only cd I have purchased in 15+ years.

      Shawn Mendes it isn’t in my blood, five finger death punch seasons change, Kenny Rodgers Buy me a Rose, Nobody by Sylvia, Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel or depending on mood Disturbed my playlist is all over the place. I’ve never been a huge remember the author or lyrics person but since Dday I too need the noise and distraction.

      • Doug

        Boy, you aren’t kidding that your playlist is all over the place! Thanks for sharing!

    • Kittypone

      Ed Sheeran’s “Perfect” would drive me to tears, because it was the description of what I wanted for my relationship and started to have because we met when we were really young, but he lost us when he decided to have his affair and forsake me at that time….I still yearn for that “darling, you look perfect tonight” but God knows if it will ever happen….

      • Kittypone

        Also, Kari Jobe’s “You are not Alone” sustained me during the darkest times of my crisis as well…

    • Shifting Impressions

      Some songs on my playlist:
      Losin You…..Amy Milan
      Just Give Me a Reason….Vince Benetton and Givel White
      Don’t Doubt….Blind Pilot
      Remember When….Alan Jackson
      Fix it….Ryan Adams & the Cardinals
      I won’t Give Up Jason Mraz
      Baby I……Amy Milan
      Every time I hear that Song….Brandi Carlisle
      As Tears Go By…Marianne Faithful
      Bad Timing…Blue Rodeo
      See You Better….Ed Sheehan
      Two Kids….Laura Gibson
      Wait up For Me….Amos Lee
      Life is Wonderful Jason Mraz
      Pour me up another…Amy Milan
      Don’t Lose your Love….Ivan & Alyosha
      Til I Am Myself Again….Blue Rodeo
      Annie’s Song….John Denver
      Downtown….Justin Rutledge
      For Lovin’ ME….Peter Paul & Mary
      Love me like a Song….Kimmie Rhodes

      As you can see it’s quite a list and that’s only part of it….it probably also shows my age.

    • Carol

      Hold Your Head Up by Argent

    • Sarah P.

      Hello Everyone,
      If you have time, please go read the latest comment on my post about “Is It Possible to Regain Feelings…?”

      A wonderful woman from England has been blind-sided and she is asking for immediate help. Shifting, Hopeful, TryingHard (if you are around) and Kittypone, WhoKnows, and all of the other lovely Wise Women here, if you don’t mind popping in and answering a new comment, that would be awesome. All of you are what makes this a very special place and I adore you all. 😇 TFW, if you still read I am sure that you also have some very helpful things to say to our new commenter.

      Thank you!

      Sarah

    • Sarah P.

      PS- her name is “Runaway Husband Issue” and she has posted her plea for help in my post about whether or not it’s possible to regain feelings. Anyone who has some sisterly love to share with her would be much appreciated.

    • Patsy50

      These are just some of the songs I listened to after my husbands EA and still listen to today only with not so much heartbreak anymore.

      Remember When – Alan Jackson
      Just Give Me a Reason – Pink
      Used To Love You – Gwen Stefani
      Million Reasons – Lady Gaga
      I can’t Make You Love Me – Bonnie Raitt
      Somewhere Only We Know – Letters Lost
      Never a give Up – David Guetta, Sia
      Flames – Sia
      The Walk – Mayer Hawthorne

      • Doug

        Awesome! Thanks Patsy.

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