I thought I would share my insight about our long weekend and how it affected me. This may sound strange or cruel, but honestly it really didn’t surprise me. The reason being that I knew this was exactly how it would be. There was no shock. It followed the same scenario that I had envisioned for my family if Doug had decided to end our marriage due to his emotional affair.
The very same reactions from my brother’s children, families and friends played out exactly the way they did in my head two-and-a-half years ago. The children were hurt, shocked and betrayed and could only hold onto the people they trusted – their siblings.
My parents have agonized over all of this, wondering where they went wrong and how they could have prevented it. They also fear that they have lost the close knit family that was established many years ago.
Everyone else involved is trying to be impartial yet supportive, though not fully understanding where their loyalties lie. All I can say is that it’s a terrible mess and it just leaves a terrible feeling in my heart and in the pit of my stomach.
I know that when Doug began his emotional affair he never thought about how it would have all played out. I am sure that when he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore and there was someone else he didn’t think about the affects it could possibly have on his entire life.
This weekend was a testament to the fact that life will never be the same for anyone involved with infidelity and I am very skeptical that things will get any better. Believing that the grass is greener on the other side doesn’t take into account that all of the infidel’s relationships will never be the same. They may believe that they have found a better partner, however they also will have to rebuild virtually every other relationship in their life. Is it worth it?
For me it felt like a bond had been broken and that all the years Doug and I had spent together establishing closeness, trust and familiarity would never be there again. It felt like everything was off balance and I was afraid we would never be able to get it back.
I guess this weekend validated why I wouldn’t give up on our marriage. Why I lived through the betrayal and the hurt to come out on top. To work through this knowing that we both could love each other and have a good marriage.
Two years ago I knew what the implications of Doug’s emotional affair would be and I didn’t want it to take away everything that we both loved and cherished. I guess through my emotional distress I must have been thinking somewhat clearly because I was fully aware of the reality of the situation and knew that I needed to do everything I could to prevent it and save our marriage.
I only wish my brother and sister in law would have displayed the same perseverance, then maybe they would have been together on this special occasion rather than on opposite ends of the table.
20 replies to "More Insight About the Weekend"
It seems your marriage was one built on solid foundations and that something came along as hit like a wave. You got swept sideways but in the end you still stand strong on those foundations.
Some couples never started off that strong. I for one hoped that time would allow my partner and I to grow. In truth he wasn’t holding back emotionally he is just very selfish and has issues related to what love means, nothing, he thinks talking about feelings is boring and dull. In many ways of course I wish I’d realised this before we started a family, but I didn’t.
My partner doesn’t know about my EA. He isn’t blameless- just as I would say I am not entirely responsible either, I think its both of our faults. If we were to talk through our issues I suspect we’d both come to the conclusion we’re both unhappy. Since he doesn’t want to talk, and I’m not sure separating is for the best (since there are good points about our relationship, not least of which are our children) we go on.
Its not black and white- none of it. I’m glad you two found something salvageable- not all of us can.
You’re making excuses. No one forces another to have an affair. In that, your husband is blameless. He may not talk, he may neglect, he may be abusive, he may be the worst husband a woman could ever have … so leave, talk, whatever, but engaging in an affair is all your doing. Take the responsibility, learn and grow from it. I guarantee your marriage will never survive without your taking full possession of your actions.
D,
Yes, I chose this- in that I let it happen (I didn’t plan it or expect it). That’s my responsibility for my own actions. I know what I have tried to fix our relationship. I know what’s on his list of fixes and I have tried them, and keep trying them. My list is simple, to be shown love and respect.
He can’t or won’t.
He doesn’t want to talk about it and for reasons I don’t want to go into I can’t leave.
Its stalemate.
He didn’t make me get involved with someone else- but he did an awful lot of neglect, disrespect, and bullying. And then someone else can see me for the real me inside- with pushing from one side and pulling from the other its not too difficult to get dragged along with the whole situation.
I don’t like being in an EA, it makes me feel uneasy and guilty (strangely towards his W and not my partner) but at this time in both our lives we feel supported when we wouldn’t otherwise.
Not ideal but just saying its not always black and white.
I used to feel exactly like you do. I wish I still did and could get out of this limbo.
Your pen name suits you. You are still in the fog. While you are there, many things we say will not make much sense to you. Continue reading and learning. You don’t want to end up where Linda’s brother is.
So glad you guys have come so far since the EA. I am hoping to be able to say the same about my marriage someday. Right now my husband says he has healed & ready to move on. So he thinks I should get over it too & resume our regular life. He has not moved back home yet. He still refuses to admit how serious the EA was and the damage it has done not only to our immediate family but extended family & friends too. He cannot tell me why the EA happened either. I really need to hear these two things before I can fully move on with him. They will always be in the back of my mind if left unanswered and I do not think it is fair to expect me “to resume our regular life” without this knowledge. Just hoping some changes are made in our life soon as this is really wearing me and kiddo down.
In the Fog… It pains me greatly to read your posts. You truly are rationalizing a totally indefensible action. My wife claimed the same things…bullying, disrespect, etc… Sounds like the blueprint. Let me just say this. I am on the other end of this deception. Stop and really think about what you are doing. The lies, deception, and destruction of your vows will destroy your husband. This blog is filled with devastated spouses. This is not just a simple bump in the road that you bury and move on from. This is total devastation of the most basic tenant of a marriage. TRUST.
If things are that bad, be up front. Describe exactly what is going on in your mind and heart. Be specific with what you are considering and give him specific steps that need to be taken to rebuild the marriage. You owe him that. Nobody should ever have to be cheated on. It tears your heart out.
Yuki….I’m happy to see you here. I hope you have been doing well. Your words have been a blessing to me these past months.
Glad to see you here, too, Mark! I am not online as much these days because my husband throws fits if he sees me blogging. It is true that some blogs become triggers and send me off the deep end, and that is his big problem with it. But he does not understand how important it is for me to connect with other people who have been through similar circumstances.
So I’m not here as often, but I am here and I do look for your posts to see how you’re doing. We’re all here for each other!
Mark, I appreciate what you are saying and am giving it plenty of thought. Infact its been on my mind since I read your response the other day.
My partner will NEVER take anything I say seriously. If I mention feelings he just blanks me.
I should leave but I worry about the impact of making that decision- on my kids, my partner as well as myself. I don’t think I would feel safe (from him).
I’m not rationalising it- I know its wrong- nobody ‘made’ us, all I’m saying is that situations escalate and this is one of those circumstances. I bear most of the responsibility but not all.
I don’t feel I ‘owe’ him- I feel he pretended to love me and in the end didn’t ever love me- I feel cheated. OK- its not grounds for an EA but it is how come I found myself susceptible to a situation getting out of hand.
I have to say you sound like someone who is willing to talk and try to solve a problem- the polar opposite to my partner. Sadly I think we are past talking. I think we will carry on drifting along because I’m too scared to leave and he has no heart to feel with anyhow.
The EA situation is always on my mind. Its something I need to do something about but not exactly sure what. Its easy for anyone who has never experienced an EA to say just end it. If it was that easy then this website would have never been created.
But I’m here for help and to work through it to get some answers. Its helps.
Thank you for your message Mark, I appreciate your time.
Fog,
If my wife saw your comment about me being someone who is willing to talk and solve a problem she’d laugh until she passed out! I’m serious. We just had another go round Saturday night where she called me coldhearted. I told her if I’m cold hearted, she’s an iceberg. …… So, you see how well we are progressing! lol.
Listen, I didn’t mean you owe your husband anything. I can’t presume to judge your situation. I’m only speaking from my experience over the past eight months where my entire world fell apart. I beg you to consider your children and what their perceptions of you they may have if they found out about this. They may not be willing or able to see it through your eyes. To them this might just be an act of deceit against their father, and by extension to them. I’m sure you love your children and don’t want to do anything to jeopardize your future relationship with them.
I get it. I understand why my wife was sucked into this as well. Something was lacking in our relationship that made her vulnerable. That absolutely does not excuse her actions, but my mind can kind of understand the motivation for it. What is forgotten is that in the midst of these affairs, the betrayed spouse usually can feel what’s going on. Our intuition becomes sharpened. We may continue to deny, but the heart knows. We have opportunities to betray as well. Some may say it would be justified since we are the “victims” here, and hey, we deserve to be happy as well. Well….what save me from considering other women was my children, and my memories of my childhood.
I vowed that I would never put my kids through what I went through. I never dreamed that the infidelity would come from my wife. I always thought if I weren’t the one cheating it would never happen. I was terribly wrong.
My two oldest children now know what has been going on to an extent. My youngest two only know there have been problems…. unless they have read between the lines and caught bits and pieces of the details among our loud arguments coming from the upstairs bedroom. This is something that can never be taken back. The kids will always have this knowledge.
That is my main concern with you.
If things are as bad as they seem in your marriage, my advice would be to lay it on the line. Tell him how serious you are about leaving. I would never tell you to stay if you are being abused…but I don’t know that to be the case. … Never mind, I already told you in the first post what I think you should do… I don’t want to preach to you.
I just want you to consider one thing. My big argument with my wife after the discoveries was how could you think you love somebody who would cheat on his own spouse? How could you think you could love somebody who knows you are married, have children and lives that would be destroyed? How could you believe him when he tells you everything you want to hear when he knows exactly how vulnerable you are and exactly what you think is missing in your marriage? It seems so obvious from outside the affair. These are not genuine relationships. They are not built on a solid foundation. They are built on deceit, lies, adrenaline, and infatuation.
I just wish the best for you. This is not meant to diminish you in any way.
InTheFog,
Following are some of my observations regarding your posts:
Your initial post gave me the impression that you are sad about your marriage and you wish your H was available emotionally. You might find the book “Emotional Unavailability” by Bryn C. Collins helpful. If nothing else, you might learn why you were attracted to your H.
I got a lot of mixed messages from your second post. Who is the “real me inside”, Fog? Are you the one who feels uneasy and guilty because of the choices you have made? Or are you the one who is continuing to make choices which are adversely affecting another woman’s marriage? Your spouse’s marriage? The lives of innocent children? And all the while saying you don’t like being in an EA.
Do you think the list of your OM’s wife might also be simple? From my own experience I can tell you that I, too, got an awful lot of neglect, disrespect and bullying while my H was having a secret EA. I seriously doubt you could find one BS who wasn’t subjected to those actions by their spouse…including his wife and your husband.
I got the impression from your third post that you are confused and mad. From the book I suggested you will learn that mad covers those emotions that occur in situations in which we feel maligned, used, lied to, let down (cheated?). Mad can also be tied up with confusion, frustration, etc. Mad, the emotion, is time-limited, situation-focused, and reactive.
You stated you were here for help and I believe you, but the first thing you have to do is stop lying to yourself. When you say you aren’t rationalizing and then proceed to rationalize, you’re lying to yourself. When you say you need to do something about the EA but you aren’t sure what, you’re lying to yourself. If you can’t be truthful with yourself then you can’t be truthful with anyone, and that includes your AP. Please don’t continue to lie to yourself about this. You do yourself a disservice.
@ inthefog: If you aren’t sure what the answer to the problem is, I think that is your answer. If the pull of the EA, with the attendant fog, hasn’t made you go the AP to this point, I doubt it ever will. That doesnt’ mean the marriage can be saved. Those need to be two different questions.
And I am with Mark on the comment about being in a relationship with a man willing to cheat on his wife. One of the biggest causes of divorces in marriages that start as affairs is adultery. Not a big suprise there. The other is the impact of reality, in that once people actually start to live together, they find out things aren’t so wonderful. Happens in normal relationships, yes. But affairs seem to compound this for various reasons, and since I am not a psychologist, and even have trouble spelling it, I won’t go on about that.
I think in many ways you understand all of this. I think you need to give the marriage the last, best chance you can. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. Then move on, but not to an affair relationship, as thas will be a dead end for everyone.
pty, Mark and bluesky,
Lots to think about. And I am. Thanks for your time and comments.
InThe Fog, I am not sure if this question pertains to you but is the OP married as well? I am wondering if he is what is it like being the OW in his life? Linda
Hi Linda,
Yes, he is married. I wrote a long response but I think I went off topic. When you say what is it like do you mean how do I feel towards his W? Or how does it feel to be the OW?
Whatever you are asking I can confirm it isn’t like ‘in the movies’. To summarise I don’t enjoy being an OW nor do I wish to take his wife’s place.
I’m open to answering anything you care to ask about how I feel but I won’t discuss his situation since it isn’t my business to share it.
InTheFog, your long response would have been fine, I always go off topic, I begin writing about one thing and somehow I end up somewhere else. I really wanted to know what is like being the OP. You know a year ago I wanted to have everything I believed Doug was giving the OW, but as time has passed and I am thinking a whole lot clearer I know that is a huge misconception. I wondered how much they really trusted each other, how truthful they really were about their relationships with their spouses, the jealousy, wondering what they were doing with they weren’t together. I really can’t imagine or handle being with someone who is totally committed to someone else. So I would like your insight, did you think about those things or did you just try to put it out of your mind? What is it like being the OW? Thanks, Linda
Hi Linda,
From this angle I suspect there are different reasons for EAs. We didn’t start off with an attraction in the least nor did we entrust each other with details of our private lives, not for a long time. We built up a strong friendship which our spouses went along with. I didn’t see it coming, neither did he, I suppose we filled in the blanks where there was something missing and we had trust. In retrospect we were entirely naive thinking we could be so close without some sort of feelings building up. That’s the background.
Ultimately he’s my best friend and as such I want him to be happy. I want them to be happy (I honestly do). If I thought they would be happier without me around then I would leave. As things are I think it makes no difference- their issues are separate to what’s going on with me. When I suggest leaving things he says he doesn’t want me to.
The idea of him being loving to his wife makes me feel two different things: glad that they are making what they have good but also of course a little jealous. Actually jealous is too strong a word. I know I am no competition for his loyalty, its not a battle I would ever win and I wouldn’t try to.
I care for him. He is totally committed to her but we enjoy time chatting, laughing being around each other. It doesn’t step on their time, we don’t manufacture situations to get together.
I think because we discussed very early on that this wasn’t ever going to become a marriage we know the score. If we ever ended up single through no fault of our own then we would definitely begin something together, but we won’t wreck two homes for our own selfish wants. Speaking for myself I would move mountains for him but not if it was going to hurt anyone else in the process. I’m not made that way, whatever others’ perceptions may be.
I miss what we’ll never have. We both do. Its just what to do. Giving up someone you care about so much is very hard.
I’d like to say that if being here and posting causes more hurt for anyone then I won’t post. I find reading the posts thought provoking. I’m working through various things in my mind. I don’t want to be a trigger for anyone else though. I’ve been there and I don’t want to be that.
InTheFog, I think that a lot of people can learn from what you post
I think in my own past healing from being betrayed it helped to have an idea that the OP was horrible, mean and nasty and intentionally deceitful.
Maybe that’s a better picture than one I may paint because I’m not a bad person, its more that I haven’t made the best choices. Is is a good thing to know that EAs happen between nice people?
I don’t think so because good people end up getting hurt the most (our spouses).