june and jennaThree-and-a-half years ago, myself and a few other readers had a brief exchange regarding sex in marriage compared to affair sex.  It soon morphed into a discussion on why married women can’t be like June Cleaver around the household and like porn star, Jenna Jameson in the bedroom.

The conversation started when a reader ( a wayward spouse) stated…

Truthfully what I am struggling now is getting over the physical part. I think my affair was probably more intense because I had the physical aspect as well. That wasn’t happening at home and with the OW it was amazing.

Here was my response along with a few other readers…

I really would like to say a few words about the physical part and I am only speculating because I was not there.

If I were a woman involved in a secret affair I imagine the sex would be amazing also, not necessarily because of the person I was with but because of the situation. Many women need a lot to completely let themselves go and really get into sex. I know this is sad but in many situations it is true.

For one, you are in a hotel room versus being in your home with your children down the hall. Children in the house makes our sexual inhibitions grow. Our minds are in two different places.

Second, I would be with a man who only saw me as a sexy woman, not a mother, housekeeper, etc. and I am sure this man told me many times how sexy and beautiful I was and how he couldn’t wait to be with me. I know that you told your wife these things but it is different hearing it from someone else.

Also in a secret affair you can be anyone you want. You may be a timid lover with your husband and within the affair your don’t really give a crap what you do. I know that all men would love to have a June Cleaver at home and a Jenna Jameson in the bedroom but that is very difficult for us to do. We have a hard time wearing different hats during the day.

I wonder if your lover was the same with her partner, or if not, blamed it on him or their relationship. I just want you to know that there are many reasons your sex was amazing and many of them were due to the affair situation. I also want you to know that if your marriage improves you can also have amazing sex with your wife.

 

Another male (betrayed) reader chimed in…

This is directed to the women here, not just Linda.

Why can’t you be that sexy girlfriend in the bedroom and the June Cleaver by day?

Sex brings good feelings. It’s like a workout with big release of stress. Sex in the morning and during the day and stress is a second thought after thinking about how wonderful you feel and thinking about, WOW that was fun.

Or, after a very stressful day why not come home and enjoy someone who is just focused on making the stress disappear in one good “O”?

When your boss is harping and customers are complaining. You get to go home and forget about it while someone is just there to make you smile.

Is it because he is less of a priority in your mind? Because you know that he will still be there. So I have other things to think about. I have reports. I have the kids projects to finish. He will understand. I’m too tired today, maybe tomorrow. We woke up late so sorry we don’t have time.

One of the things that make affair sex (or emotional connection) is the feeling that you are a priority to someone. And they are to you. Why does that get lost in marriage? Because the feeling that, oh we’re married so he will still be there and understand.

Until the day he says I was tired of being last in line of priorities, so I found someone who put me on top of their list. That’s what he did for my wife (I believe). And that’s what she did for him. But out of the affair and back to real life why do I still not feel that I am a priority???????

 

The wayward spouse replies…

Wow – what an awesome post. I couldn’t have articulated any better. That’s exactly what I’ve often questioned. Why in the world would sex get pushed to the background? Would seem like the more stressful life is, the more you’d want the escape of being with your spouse.

You summed up the priority part in the same way I was thinking.

It always seems like sex is an afterthought and not something that’s a priority or something to look forward to. I wouldn’t have thought every little thing would get in the way…

 

A female reader offers her 2 cents…

In an ideal world, everything would be perfect but when you get married and kids come along, one has to juggle between job, school/football/etc/etc., runs and running a household. Unless of course one is lucky enough to have an au pair/nanny/housekeeper.

And you know what? It always seems to be Mom who has to fit in all the running and racing. So I’m not totally surprised come bed time, with lunches made for the next day along with one hundred other things in place, that a wife is tired and sex would be the last thing on her mind.

Put the shoe on the other foot and if you had to do all those extras in your day would you be ready for a sizzler in the bedroom ? You could of course help out and share the chores and then the energy might be there for the bedroom sizzler.

I totally agree with you that there is nothing better than making passionate love with your spouse to relieve the stresses of the day, but there is more to marriage than just sex. Not having sex every night with your wife or husband is not an excuse to have an affair.

Of course you want to be a priority in your spouse’s life. We all do but you have to check your cycle and keep your lines of communication open. You could plan date nights, go for a walk in the evening even if you do have a toddler in a stroller, walking is great to boost the energy for the bedroom later!

 

Finally, another female reader tops this thread off…

Why can’t you be that sexy girlfriend in the bedroom and the June Cleaver by day?

For the same reason you can’t be Bill Gates in the day and Ryan Reynolds at night in the bedroom. . . LOL!! Now that I do feel “loved” by my husband, our sex life is greatly improved, and I thoroughly enjoy it. Almost as much as you men . . .

If your wives have not felt loved for many years, despite your feelings that you’ve shown it in all “men-speak” ways, it will take time for her to believe you have changed to show the love that women need. Once you figure that out, look out!!!

 

Please share your thoughts, experiences and suggestions below!

 

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    17 replies to "Married Sex, Affair Sex, June Cleaver and Jenna Jameson"

    • Gizfield

      My two cents, as usual. I know lots of women who act like complete “whores” or sex maniacs, or whatever Jemma jameson is. Problem is, they dont seem to be able to turn it off and act like that with everyone. I have been having sex almost 40 years now, ok. It has it’s rightful place in my life as something I enjoy but it’s certainly not the center of my universe anymore. I also dont think it’s that great of an indicator of how much you “love” someone either.

    • Paula

      And what about those of us who were still ah-mayz-ing in the bedroom, whose spouses had an affair with someone boring in bed? No sense at all.

    • Sarah P.

      Hi All,

      Have been reading “The Monogamy Myth” this week. Something that Peggy Vaughn (author) said early on in the book struck me. She provided the reader an idea of what kind of wife she was prior to finding out about her husband’s affairs. Basically, she was the kind of wife who was able to be June Cleaver and Jenna Jameson without missing a beat. In fact, she made a point to stress that they had a frequent and enjoyable sex life where she literally made herself available all the time. Even though she was truly a Super-wife in all ways, her husband still cheated.

      Personally, I know many women who intentionally try to wear all hats because they believe this will prevent their husbands from finding a lover. I know women who spend thousands of dollars at the beauty salon. the gym, and even the plastic surgeon, in hopes that if they look perfect, their husbands will find them to be enough and not have an affair.

      Yet….

      Even the husbands of these women cheat.

      So, once again, I think the potential for an affair cannot necessarily be reduced even when a wife proactively takes these measures to be the perfect wife.

      I believe that when men say they cheated because their wives were not available enough sexually, or not this or that, it is largely an excuse. While this may be true about their marriage, I believe that sometimes they will always find something to use as an excuse in order to justify it.

      After all, in order for a person to have an affair (whether the offending partner is male or female) that person must devalue their spouse in one way or another so that guilt will not hold them back. They must make up a story in their minds that justifies their actions.

      I think one reason people have affairs is because they are taken off guard and steam-rolled by an attraction that they never saw coming.

      When I was 23 years old, I spent 2 years working as a teacher at an academic academy for high school students. I had a wonderful colleague from Japan. She was a married mother in her 40’s. Her husband was part of my parent’s circle of friends, so I knew him as well. Well, my Japanese colleague was very wise. One day I was moaning about how lucky she was to be married. I really wanted to be married ever since I was in high school. (Literally!) So, I was telling my colleague I wished I could find my future husband– and soon. Instead of telling me not to worry about it, she said something very interesting that I remember to this very day. She said that I should not want to be married too soon, because even after I get married, I might be blind-sided by attraction to another person, but would know what to do with it. She said I needed to chose wisely because of that. She warned not to rush into marriage until I was mature enough to make such a decision. Then, she went on to tell me about her own experience with being steam-rolled by attraction. She said when she got married, she believed her husband was the love of her life and she would never even look at another. But then, a year after they got married, they befriended another couple like themselves where the husband was an Anglo Caucasian and the wives were Japanese. She said that she had so much in common with the other woman’s husband and that he felt almost like a soulmate. The other woman’s husband felt the same way about her too. OUCH.

      But, my colleague was also a moral person and she believed that her vow trumped her feelings. And so, she never had an affair and she even cut off the friendship with the other couple– her husband none the wiser. She had remained loyal to her husband through thick and thin but still thought a lot about her missed soulmate opportunity.

      I think that what it came down to for her was that she was blind-sided by attraction. She was a moral person and falsely believed that because of her morality, she would never be attracted to someone else. Unfortunately, attraction does not follow such rules. The most moral and well-intentioned people can be blind-sided by attraction especially when they are not even looking for it.

      So, I believe that this might be part of why people have affairs– especially nice people.

      But, I don’t think people want to admit that to themselves and so they must blame the spouse for some deficiency so that they can carry out an affair.

      On the other hand, just because we are blind-sided by attraction does not mean that we act on it.

      I had a friend in college who told me about how his own parents stayed faithful. Fist off, his parents acknowledged that attraction is not rational and that even though they had the best intentions, they realized they could be taken off guard. His parents had an agreement that if one of them ever became extremely attracted to someone else, they would come to their spouse and talk it through. Well, over the course of the marriage, each of his parents did become extremely attracted to another person. But each time they talked it out and prevented affair. But, my friend still admitted the conversations his parents had about the attraction to another were extremely hard on each of them. Still, they served to prevent affairs and strengthen the marriage.

      So, all in all, I think that the urge to have an affair (by the would-be betrayer) transcends the beauty/wealth/personality of the innocent spouse.

    • Sarah P.

      PS-

      To clarify– if you have read my other posts, I usually talk in terms of situations that can contribute to affairs. But I also believe people must transcend situations and urges. I do not believe situations or urges can be blamed for an affair. It is the person who chooses to intentionally engage in an affair who needs to take ownership of his decision to have an affair.

      He or she made a choice and needs to own the consequences.

      So, yes, we human beings are very complex and attraction and commitment are not straightforward.

      On the other hand, life is made up of a series of moments where we are confronted with choices to do or not to do. In each moment, it is up to each of us to make choices that are in line with our promises and obligations.

      Only we can make such choices and only we can follow the path of integrity.

      After all, no one out there can ‘make’ us do anything and our emotions do NOT have to rule us.

      • tryinghard

        Sarah P

        This is awesome. This post is truly at the crux of the matter of affairs. I am so sad when I think how my h devalued me. But it is true he did. He may be reformed and who knows if he is or isn’t, I cannot change the fact that he devalued me in order to facilitate his choice to be with someone else.

        The only comment I have with regards to the sex issue is to agree with the person who said “if you want us to be June Clever by day and Jenna Jamieson at night, you should try to be Bill Gates by day and Ryan Reynolds at night!” Trust me boys, your wife wants sex. Being too tired is her way of saying, “look pal if you’d step it up a notch in bed I WOULD WAKE UP”. You know she has told you this is what she wants and needs and yet you refuse to do it. Maybe SHE’S not feeling prioritized either. If you would show just a tiny bit of romance to her, I promise you won’t be able to get her off you! You are only going to get as good as you give. Fact is, any man who complains about sex with is wife is because he is only concerned about his own pleasure. He doesn’t want to give that extra romantic effort because it takes too much work on his part. Regardless, sex is NOT why people cheat. We all know that.

        The real point is YES, illicit sex is intoxicating because of it’s illicitness. No marital sex can ever replicate it nor could or should. You can still have good marital sex maybe even after an affair, but you will have to be a very mature and evolved adult and just the fact that one of the persons in the relationship has cheated, has already proven themselves to be very immature and un-evolved. So essentially the shit show is one sided!!

        Since discovery I have made a VALIANT effort in buying sexy lingerie, nighties etc. I have tried VALIANTLY to be more sexual, and NOT just for his pleasure, but because I have allowed my sexual needs to be on the back burner for too long. I am open to “experimenting” and shaking things up sexually. And guess what, most of this goes pretty unnoticed. You would think that while your wife is undressing, and in a provocative manner at that, and wearing appealing lingerie ANY red blooded male, husband or otherwise, would notice or appreciate it. Not finding this to be true in my case. I guess it’s like once you try heroin any other “high” is just HO HUM.

        I refuse to compare myself or try to compete with the sex he had with his trailer park trash. I know who I am and my worth, both in and out of bed! He wants more of that kind of excitement, he can go kick the trash can and 50 more just like her will jump out to give it to him. Go for it!

    • Rachel

      Great post Sarah p.

    • Gizfield

      I wasn’t familiar with Jenna Jameson (although I’m sure my first husband the porn addict was) so I checked her out on Wikipedia. What a messed up individual. Tragic early background. Failed relationships. Just plain sad.

    • exercisegrace

      Although my husband’s affair was an EA/PA, the sex was not great. Like most affairs, it wasn’t about the sex. It was about how she made him feel about himself during a time that life was dragging him down and he was very depressed. They worked together, and by her own admission her feelings changed and she pursued him aggressively. He enjoyed the attention, and was flattered by the adoration. I think it gave him a huge ego boost. Before it became physical, he could fool himself into thinking he wasn’t cheating. Afterwards, he could no longer deny what was really going on. He felt very guilty and afraid I would leave him when I found out. He had major performance issues, and describes the sex as mechanical. Physically, she is not attractive and this made things difficult as well. After d-day, I got some independent confirmation of these statements so I know he isn’t lying. He never intended to leave me, and says he never stopped loving me. He has said sex with me was always far better because our relationship has a history and intimacy that he knew was lacking with his affair partner.

      As betrayed spouses it hurts us very much to think of our husbands being intimate with someone else, but I think it is rarely the “hot movie sex” that we imagine it to be. There may be some initial thrill of a new relationship but I think guilt and confusion overtake that fairly quickly if the cheating spouse has no intention of leaving the marriage.

      • Paula

        Well said, EG. I was also in a situation like yours, great life, super great sex, and he hit a wall in his life and somehow, for some reason (and it has taken me all these years to properly realise it wasn’t because I was unavailable, but it was because he had “if I show her how scared I am, I will be a loser, and a failure” issues) he couldn’t come to me – I was always there – in fact, I was begging him to talk to me, as I knew there was something not quite right in Paula and Mr Paula Land. The sexual partner he chose was easy, an ex, who was also a friend of mine (easy access, she was always around) who had never got over him, and permanently single, lonely and vulnerable as an (emotionally) struggling single mother. Bingo! Jackpot! Man, I will BE the man with this one! She thinks I am! Their sex was vanilla, at best, muddy and boring mostly – all his words, he suffered ED almost half of the time (WHAT?!! Not this guy – he is always “up for it,” really, ED? I was gobsmacked, and very doubtful he was telling the truth.) When he was trying to work out why he was doing it, he kept wondering why she wasn’t acting like a sex-bomb, they could go months without sex with each other, surely she would greet him next time and rip his clothes off, taking him on her entrance floor, right? No. Not once, Not one interesting position, nothing but pretty missionary, no toys, no lingerie, no playful tricks, no imagination, one BJ, when he was sacking her fifteen months after they started, in desperation no doubt. And when I kicked him out two years after D-day, he shagged her again, two years later, and described the experience as the worst sexual act of his life – truly skin crawling stuff – and he proved to himself that the major part of her allure was just that it was forbidden, and that alone, because she was pretty awful when he was free to have her anywhere, anytime, instead, he slunk away from her fabulousness under cover of dark, feeling the lowest he had ever felt. He never saw her again, or had any contact whatsoever, after that one meeting, almost three years ago, and he had about five months to do whatever he liked. As EG said, most affairs, at least those that are not conducted by sex addicts, or serial cheats who just don’t have any moral compass, are NOT about the sex, or the superior sexy woman. Mine has told me millions of times, before, during and after his affair, that he has never had sex with another woman like he has with me – or more correctly, HAD with me (before this affair completely shut me down sexually, after that two year mark.) He says that he has never connected with anyone even close to what we had, how he would almost sob with the intensity of what we did, his heart racing, skin glistening, and his whole being flooded with the intensity. I don’t know, I have only been with him, he has had plenty of sexual experience. I only knew intense, it always moved me. Now there is nothing, I finally get that sexual satisfaction – or lack of – varies greatly. I thought the old, “it’s better than sex,” comment was an impossibility, but now, EVERYTHING is better than sex, lol!

        • exercisegrace

          Paula, you can believe it. My husband also said they would go quite a long time between having sex. My husband also never had ED with me. Never. Guilt does funny things to sex drive. He said it was more enjoyable to, ahem…take care of himself than to have sex with her. With me I am sure there were days when things were a little boring, but overall that was not the case. I was very adventurous, willing to try new things, and we had a catalog we like to order out of! With his whore, things were pretty plain. He said she even tried to get him to do other things, told him she was willing to do “anything” and even hinted at bringing a friend. It all turned him completely off. He said he was never comfortable with her and hearing all that just made it worse.

          I wonder sometimes if the fantasy of an affair just falls miserably flat when faced with the reality of the affair. They probably pictured hot porn sex! My husband compared it to the embarassing discomfort you feel undressing at the doctor’s office, ha ha ha.

    • Gizfield

      I believe that the intent of most media and advertising is to plant discontent into people, especially regarding sex. All these mysterious “other people ” are getting it all the time, and it’s porn film worthy, at that. And hey, who can verify whether they do or not. I discovered that my husband visited some Adult sites around the time of his infidelity. One of them was called Other Peoples’ Wives. I checked it out. What a scummy looking bunch of skags. I guess either they or their spouse convinced them of how SEXY they are. I felt like I’d get a disease through the computer monitor. If thats what he wants, hes welcome to it, just dont expect me to compete, lol.

      Also, even though it’s been out forever, there is still a huge amount of advertising for those erectile dysfunction pills. I doubt they will be satisfied til every man on the planet is on them, even the ones who are 95 and unattached. Just watch the ad closely. You can be a Real Man too, you never know when walking past a shiny car or sitting in a porch swing working a cross word puzzle will fill you with lust. You need to be ready to throw your woman into the nearest shrubbery and give her the “time of her life”at a moment’s notice. It’s just seriously out of control.

    • Sarah P.

      It’s kind of unfortunate that there is an expectation that has permeated society that involves the idea that being a porn star in the bedroom is an ideal. If a woman truly behaved like a porn star in the bedroom, she would not be focusing on her own pleasure, she would be subjecting herself to many degrading acts, and she would be “up” for such treatment 24/7. The number one complaint I hear from women is that their boyfriends or husbands want them to act out porno films that are very degrading to women. While I do not believe all porn is degrading it seems that there is much out there that mingles sex and violence. I am with “trying hard” when she states that men need to put in the extra effort in romancing us women and also try to live up to the same expectations they place on us. For me there is an inherent problem with the some men’s expectation that their wives should act more like porn stars. While I understand that everyone wants variety in their sex lives, the female porn star represents a (fictional) creature who has no thoughts and no needs. She just submits to whatever it is the man asks for, no matter how degrading, all the while screaming in mock pleasure. I believe sex would be a lot better for couples if both partners met in the middle. Yes, wives should be more available for sex and mix it up a little, but husbands need to do their part and seduce their wives while attending to their wife’s desires between the sheets. I believe female porn stars are so alluring because they represent something that caters to the ultimate selfishness in some men. Also, in speaking with wives of certain couples, wives are happy to have a more frequent sexual relationship– they just want the guy to meet them halfway. It’s no fun when everything is one-sided and that is the world of porn.

    • EyesOpened

      Paula – I believe your h. My AP had ED. I remember him telling me he hadn’t had sex with his w for months (who knows if that was true), but anyway, after a while he said that they did it . I asked him how it was ( this was whilst I was ‘helping’ him) – and he said it was like having a comfortable old jumper – at the time he meant it as an insult – but the more I think about it, the more of a compliment it was to her. He just wanted to wrap his familiar comfy blanket round him. Together we were new shoes and a new outfit that looked good but made you itch and gave you blisters!

      I also remember loads of bad stuff – snoring, lack of genuine affection, neediness. It is a mystery as to why we were there. What a huge, giant tragedy . I SO wish I could tell THAT to my h and his w!!!

    • Strength required

      I just found out today, my beautiful cousin is now one of us bw. Her husband, had an affair for who knows what reason, with a ow half his age. Him 60, the ow 29. My cousin has been separated from him for the past 6 mths, and although he wants her back, she isn’t taking him back. We had such a long talk today,she said although she isn’t ready yet, she intends on getting out there again, and finding herself a real man. One that deserves her. She is one strong cookie, and I’m proud of her. Luckily for her she has the support of all our family, I’m glad she isn’t alone.
      I just don’t get it, why are these men so stupid? He has lost the best thing that has ever happened to him, and he knows it. All for a piece of ass half his age. Crazy….

      • Ken

        Good for your cousin.
        My wife was fucking her boss for 1.5 years, 12 years younger than her.
        That was 6 years ago.
        They were soul mates!!!! anyway didn’t exactly last a life time. Now my ex has been on her own for 3 years. My adult children 29 and 27 say she doesn’t even date!!!!!!
        Everything said here about infidelity is true, I’ve been out there for 6 years and it’s great dating, don’t have to bring anything home and you don’t have to deal with her home issues. It’s just all about the good times….. lot’s of fun no reality. How could it be bad?
        She said, “it just happened”……. And after 6 years I can see that……. They traveled together and stayed together at hotels
        Only difference is she was married.
        Now all my affairs are with single ladies….. way more fun that sneaking around like a criminal hiding your dirty lies. Way too much stress that way.
        Cheaters hurt people period. Whether they regret it or not they should have thought about those things before… Some things you just can’t beg forgiveness
        Something for you cousin to remember

        “There are things we don’t want to happen, but have to accept. Thing’s we don’t want to know, but have to learn. And people we can’t live without but have to let go.”

    • Hmm

      “One of the things that make affair sex (or emotional connection) is the feeling that you are a priority to someone. And they are to you. Why does that get lost in marriage? Because the feeling that, oh we’re married so he will still be there and understand.”

      I think it’s not that the WS devalues the spouse its more the case the WS is feeling devalued by the spouse and a priority to the AP. at least that maybe part of the rationalization. I was told as i have heard many time by BS that I didn’t think you cared for me.

    • Mary

      I had an affair with a 46 year old single man. Started online for months. It lasted 2 years but we only met three times. I was excited, hot and ready. But the sex was a real let down. Small winkie, erectile dysfunction in a big way. No foreplay at all. He masterbated more than he had sex. So the theory affair sex is always great isn’t true. The texting/sexting was hot, going to the hotel was hot, the sex was not. It was painful and I left feeling like he treated me like a whore. It was not even close to what I had at home.

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