One thing that has been very apparent for the last several months – actually probably going on almost two years now, is the lack of drama in our lives.
For so many months after the affair we went through so much drama… the roller coaster of emotions, the pain, the mental anguish and everything else that goes along with recovering from an affair…it is actually quite nice that we’re basically just another boring couple now.
In many ways our marriage has returned to its normal, stable, secure and uneventful relationship that it was prior to the affair. However, we are diligent about keeping a watchful eye so as to not fall back into bad habits such as our poor communication patterns that existed pre-affair.
Throughout this whole recovery process we have learned so much about each other, which is quite amazing considering we have been together virtually our entire adult life. You would think that we knew each other pretty damn well, but we discovered that wasn’t entirely the case.
This new knowledge has prepared us and has made us aware should we start to slip back into old habits.
For us, communication is most key. We have learned that we really have to express ourselves – our wants and our needs – on a regular basis. We have also learned that it’s OK to rock the boat every now and then if something pisses us off.
Any couple that has gone through affair recovery successfully – and are a few years out – will eventually see some “settling in” with many aspects of their everyday lives. After all, the craziness that occurs after the affair discovery is long gone and the powerful triggers mostly gone away. Normalcy has for the most part returned.
But try not to confuse this normalcy with complacency. This is a very important phase where you can’t settle in. You can’t backslide into complacency and into the relationship that you once had prior to the affair. That relationship is gone. You have to continue to solidify that new marital foundation that you’ve worked so hard to rebuild and make it as strong as you possibly can.
Yet there can be many reasons and/or excuses that can cause you to backslide. As in any marriage, there are cycles that you go through. Sometimes you are having crazy fun. Other times you may feel bored or indifferent. Or perhaps there are times when outside influences try to steal your time away, like work or kids activities, and you feel your relationship takes a backseat. Whatever the cycle is, it’s obvious that stuff happens and you have to navigate through it or around it.
We’ve been in a cycle for a few months where quite honestly we aren’t putting a ton of effort into working on our relationship. We have a new puppy. And yes, puppies are a lot like toddlers. Linda’s job has been a real bitch this year. There are new education standards to deal with – along with dealing with the same idiot parents and a micro-managing bipolar principal. Linda is also on the ever changing ride through hormone hell as menopause creeps closer and closer. Doug has ever increasing demands and challenges as his businesses change and grow.
So to take a step back, this past week we took off for a few days of R&R. We took our puppy with us to the Asheville, NC area to do a little camping, hiking and urban discovery. It was just what we needed to get away from the everyday rat race and spend a little quality time together. We went with no itinerary, no schedule and no expectations. We had a great time and we strengthened our connection.
Our type of getaway may not be your cup of tea, but the point is that if you sense some backsliding or a disconnect, do something about it. Take a trip together. Go out for a romantic dinner. Have a heartfelt talk about your relationship needs. Cover each other in chocolate and have desert. Whatever floats your boat, as the saying goes. The point is…do something!
17 replies to "Just Another Boring Couple"
I miss my boring humdrum life I led before my husband opened up about his ea. Its been 6 mo and although the high drama has seemed to settle down, memories of what happened, his words, and the thought he wanted to leave still haunt me daily. I know it hasn’t been long, but it just consumes me. I agree that we both took for granted our relationship and making time out of our busy lives is critical. I’m the one actually struggling with talking about my feelings because I don’t want to sound weak and I’m very guarded. I know this isn’t healthy but is just what I’m going through at this time. It’s painful for me to bring up what happened. I’d say our lives weren’t so boring before and I felt very blessed and fulfilled. Yes we could have carved more time out for each other but makes me sad our 18 yrs together full of lots of good times was not enough for him. I wasn’t enough. Hoping time will tell and we are both putting the effort into making this work, but my lack of trust is getting in the way.
one thing I dont understand. Todays society seems to value dysfunction, and if you are normal and not a “needball” you are considered boring. A lot of the “needs” met by cheating are unhealthy and dont seem to be adressed by “affair literature”. For example, I’ve learned one of my husband’s needs met by his girlfriend was a need to feel “superior to others”. I was the perfect target, being a “fat, lazy hoarder” and all. He also is very superior acting about my first husband. All he has to say is “at least I’m not a drunk and an abuser.” Well why does that make him feel so damn good about himself? Cause it makes him feel superior that he is a good guy. Totally cancels out that he is a liar and a cheat. At least in his mind.
Giz
I saw a really great You Tube video yesterday and talks about just want you said “at least…..blah, blah”. The video is called RSA Shorts The Power of Empathy. Look at it. It’s very enlightening. It explains the reason he does that is his lack of empathy and is acting sympathetic because sympathy makes you superior. I believe that most men though are severely lacking in the areas of empathy. I truly don’t think most of them are capable of putting themselves in our shoes. I don’t care what the situation or problem they hate it when we ruminate over it. I don’t know about you but I have to ruminate about a problem before I can figure it out OR just get the eff out:)
I guess my point is that , in my opinion, a lot of affair/marriage related advice encourages dysfunctional behavior in some people. I love my husband and enjoy marriage but it’s not the only thing in my life. I dont need continuous attention and reinforcement to feel “special”. My first husband was a gigantic Needball, and jealous of EVERYTHING in my life. My family, my pets, my friends, my hobbies, my thoughts, my time, my everything. It bothers me when my work and child are considered to be outside influences trying to “”steal my time.” No offense to the article or Doug and Linda, but I’m never putting any man on a pedestal again, and putting him in charge of my happiness.
Your point makes perfect sense – and no offense taken of course! 😉
People with feet of clay don’t deserve pedestals Giz
Thanks Linda and Doug for this post. It is so right on the mark.
On the fence—
There were so many aspects of my life
before my husbands EA that I missed. But now I have a new normalcy .Like Linda said, communication is key in any relationship. It’s been only 6 mos. for you and I know it seems like an eternity of pain but it does get much better with time and work from both of you on your relationship.
I am 3 1/2 years from DDay, married 42 years and “I” still have trust issues at times and my husband has showed me he can be trusted. I will always keep one eye open. You just learn this is the new norm.
Good Luck to you in your journey.
Thanks Patsy50. I do need to give it more time and reading responses to the blog has been very helpful. I also feel like the more strength/confidence I gain back, the more I’m not sure if I want to live in the new norm. Just feel like our marrige ruined with his mistake and this is so disappointing. He disappoints me. I know things aren’t perfect in anyone’s marriage, but didn’t think this would happen to us.
On the fence,
Yes, none of us thought we would ever be in this situation. Very very hard to swallow.
I was in bed shades down covers over my head for quite some time. My older son came in pulled up the shades and said this is depression you need to get thru this. And I did. Baby steps, very slow ones. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from the rejection/ betrayal but I try every day to hold my head high and say over and over this is not my fault. This is what he wanted.
You are a good person. Do things that make you happy!! I did a lot of decorating. Not wanting to spend money I didn’t have I changed things up a bit. Shopped at walmart, Christmas tree shop. Got my ideas from pier 1 and pottery barn stores that were out of my reach.
It made me feel good kept my mind busy.
You are stronger than you think. You are important to loved ones. Hold your head high and Be proud of who you are.
Some days are tougher than others but remember tomorrow is another day.
Peace and good luck !
It gets better with time but you will forever be a betrayed spouse. Like someone once said here “that donkey can’t be un-fucked!” No matter how much better it gets the scar is there forever no matter who you are married to or in a relationship with. Doesn’t mean w e have to live a life of the bitter, sad, victim. We can make happy good memories and learn that there are many types of love that are gratifying and life fulfilling not just marital love.
TH, never a truer word, that donkey will never be unfucked, for sure! The thing is, yes, you carry on, you learn to be “unbitter,” (new word, lol) but you never get even close to the joy and pleasure you had BBFO (Before Being Fucked Over.) It’s hard to take. I have a very different life than BBFO, and none of it is better, yes, different, I am achieving things that are moving forward,” I am coping, but no joy, not even close to contentment, just one foot in front of the other every day. That’s okay, life goes on, but hell, I miss joy.
Doug, I hear you on the Attachment Theory stuff, fascinating, and I think there is a lot to it, but it is certainly not the Holy Grail – newsflash there isn’t one! I have been talking to a lady recently about EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) which has its basis in this. I was lucky, I had a fully engaged mother, and as the first born, I had full attention, even when the younger siblings arrived in quick succession, I still had her love and attention. HE didn’t. This is material.
Paula. I agree. I guess if it were the Holy Grail, there wouldn’t be any other psychological theories out there. I guess one needs to find a theory that would seem to fit their situation and run with it.
Thanks, Doug! I enjoyed the article, as usual. Made me think of psychology class and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. I looked that up on Wikipedia to refresh my memory. It says it’s kinda displaced for some purposes by Attachment Theory. Basically, if you dont attach to one primary caregiver between six months and two years, you will have issues with relationships. My mother gave me up for adoption at 13 months. I dont remember any of that but I can imagine that was pretty traumatic for a baby. Another thing to research further, lol. Thanks for getting us to thinking, it’s all very fascinating.
NO…Thank you! I find all that Attachment Theory stuff to be quite fascinating. I’m not sure I’m fully on board with all of it, but fascinating nonetheless.
We’re not the same boring couple we were pre-affair. Throughout our marriage (now 38 years), we have always worked together every day and gotten along remarkably well. We had the relationship other couples marveled at. In retirement, I think boredom might have been one of his main triggers for the ea.
Since DDay, he has been so solicitous and accommodating to my needs that it verges on annoying. I know he is trying to make up to me for the terrible betrayal of trust, but I don’t think a cheating spouse can actually earn “brownie points” by serving breakfast in bed–at least not from me. I know he’s contrite, but that doesn’t make up for his choice to stroke his fragile ego at the expense of our marriage.
Thanks, Trying Hard, I’ll check that video out. I always enjoy your comments.
I dont think my husband thinks about things to the extent that I do. Mr. Empathy isn’t exactly deep, let’s put it that way. I’ll have to admit I don’t even come close to beginning to understand myself, though. I’m definitely the more complicated, complex one in our marriage. But I’m not like that all the time, sometimes I’m very simple. Just a lot of contradictions in my personality.
allayfig222-
although our marriage is abot ten years shorter than yours it sounds just the same! My husband always did nice things and continues to. Including the breakfast in bed, helping with housework & cooking,etc. it is hard to get him to understand that I appreciate those “things” they do not matter AT ALL when it comes to repairing the damage done by his ea. To me those are two distinctly different areas if communication.