This is a guest post from Sara K. about her brief experience of feeling jealous of divorce.
I just heard a couple from my small, suburban and gossipy neighborhood is divorcing. They have a 16-year-old daughter that is a friend of my son. There are also 3 other children involved. When I first heard the news I oddly felt, jealous.
Immediately wondering if that was an odd reaction, I Googled it. Turns out hundreds of articles are written on married women or men becoming jealous of the so-called freedom a divorce can allow. In fact, statistically speaking, you are 125% more likely to divorce if someone you know has paved the way.
When I first found out about my husband’s infidelity, I immediately jumped into safety mode. Almost via autopilot, I decided that leaving our marriage was just not an option. I had no job, no money in the bank, four kids to care for and the fact remained I did love my husband. I would put in the work and reap whatever we could from what remained.
Fast forwarding to three years later we have a very good thing going. It’s honest, it is loving and by far better than I could have imagined our marriage was capable of becoming. It is not perfect, but it’s mine and I am pretty happy here. So, why did I find myself jealous of this other couples impending doom?
I sat with this thought for quite a while during my carpool and grocery runs yesterday. The wife in the divorcing couple, a cute, blonde, perfect-nosed, exercise fiend would surely have no trouble finding a new mate. They had money enough for him to already purchase a second home nearby and their kids actually seemed well adjusted. A welcome time off from the kids every other weekend, hey, Divorce didn’t seem so bad.
Marriage ain’t all bad…
I came across an old article from the Huffington Post written by author Gigi Grazer offering an insider’s divorced woman’s point of view. After a starter marriage and then a failed second attempt her thoughts were very different than my own. She seemed filled with regret at walking away during the hard times. “All men are sucky,” she explained. She went on to talk about the perils of dating, the financial strain and the hardships of single parenting. She ended by saying if she could have stuck it out, worked it through and not given up that perhaps she could be happy right now. There are no guarantees.
Then I came home from driving dance carpool. My husband was washing dishes when I walked in the door. He greeted me with a smile and a quick kiss. I grabbed taco meat from the fridge and threw together dinner. My children popped in and out of the kitchen as I again on autopilot created a healthy meal, six placemats at the table and drinks poured for all. We sat down to our supper and chatted amongst ourselves. At the end of the meal I felt extremely guilty. I was unsure if I was going to share my thoughts of jealousy with my husband.
I decided later that evening it was necessary. “I found myself jealous of Alan and Robin’s divorce. Is that totally messed up?” I asked. He smiled. He immediately understood what I had felt and explained that he totally got it. Marriage is damn hard. It’s tooth and nail, scratching against the blackboard hard. It’s fights, sometimes infidelity that leads to counselors, makeups and space only to start the whole things all over again. But, you survive.
When you create a place that accepts marriage isn’t perfect it’s actually amazing. Having a partner to live out life, talk things over and eventually move beyond the pain is unbelievable. I understand that sometimes life together with that one spouse is not always able to be worked through. Forgiveness is truly impossible for some misgivings or intentional hurts. Change has to have two willing participants and that this is not always the case. I am one of the lucky ones.
I decided I would be secretly jealous of the fact that this couple gets a second chance to find happiness in their lives, but also openly happy that I found my second chance to be happy right here with my life partner. I am often grateful for autopilot taking over when my reality is just too hard to handle.
Have you ever been jealous of divorce? Are you already divorced and have tales from the other side for those thinking about it?
[wlsp_signup]LINESPACE
18 replies to "Jealous of Divorce?"
Divorce is nothing to be jealous about. It is physically and mentally draining . You can feel your heart cracked open inside of your body.
I also feel like I have taken advantage of a second chance at happiness with my husband instead of via divorce. It wouldn’t have worked if my H wasn’t also prepared to work at that decision. I’m not jealous of divorcing couples though, as a lawyer I know it’s a tough, long slog with heart ache for everyone involved.
I can sort of understand the author’s initial reaction to news of her neighbors’ divorce. When I found out that my H had been conducting an EA (with one physical encounter, ugh) — and that this was not his first inappropriate, concealed relationship with another woman, which I learned during the 6 months after D-day — I thought that divorce was inevitable. Our marriage had been so bad for so long, and he’d always refused to do anything real or lasting about it. I figured he’d play at changing for a little while to make himself look like the good guy, but that no real, lasting change would be made (this was his pattern). I decided early on that I would not settle for a mediocre marriage any longer, that my happiness mattered, and that if the marriage wasn’t on the whole a good one I’d pull the plug.
My mother gave me a different perspective. She said and still says that she’ll understand and support me if we divorce. But she also told me about divorce from the other side. My father left her when she was 3 children ages 6 and under, no job, and no immediate job prospects. She struggled and fought and put her life back together. She even believes that in our case divorce was the best thing that could have happened to us (because my father absolutely self-destructed, it was good for us not to be around him much). But she warned me not to underestimate the pain divorce would cause me and my kids, nor the difficulty of single parenting. As a result I’m still hanging in there, 15 months after D-day.
I guess I am jealous at the idea of what divorce brings, though it may be an idealized idea… the freedom to TRUST again… the freedom to not have to look at the source of my pain every day… the freedom to let it all go and HATE HIM instead of myself for staying when I always said I would leave if he cheated (you know, the standard threat we all give our spouse)… just the freedom from the mess! But honestly, leaving would have been the easy way out. I could’ve just said he was a lying cheating bastard and walked away. The kids would’ve hated him, his family would’ve hated him, and I would’ve been free… but when it comes down to it, apparently I like to take the rough road whenever possible!! LOL!! I stayed. I stayed because I loved him, and what he did… I NEVER would’ve guessed, and neither would the people that actually KNEW him! The cheating was completely out of character for him… shock allowed me to gain perspective and not run immediately. Sometimes I dream that if I had just left I would be stronger, happier, PROUD of myself… but that isn’t true. I would just be going through the same stuff, but alone. Not knowing or accepting that he really does love me. That he really doesn’t want our marriage to end. That he really is ASHAMED. I wouldn’t know the man he is now… which is better than the man I knew before the cheating – though I didn’t think that was possible… I think I would’ve felt more like a failure had I left. My friend got divorced about a year and a half ago… not long after my discovery of my husbands cheating… She left her husband for other reasons than cheating, but isn’t happy. She is lonely and sad. She only sees her kids a few days a week, and they alternate weekends. She has dated, but without any real emotional connections… She WANTS to be happy.. to be in a relationship with trust and love again… It’s what we all want, divorce or no divorce. Divorce, though my gut reaction, isn’t what I wanted. I married this man for a reason… we made people together. We planned a life together… even during his cheating we were still planning our lives and making things for US happen… Despite all of the pain that I deal with on a daily basis being married to my cheater, I KNOW that I am happier being married to him than I would’ve been divorced. We were meant to be! He just got his head stuck up his butt for a while!
Jealous of divorce? If you take a hard look at that, it is the same kind of “fantasy land thinking” that our spouses used to justify their AFFAIRS!!! What if? If only? Maybe with her? Why not? More exciting?
Nope. Not going there. I can see the attraction of fantasizing about a different life, particularly after you have been cheated on and feel like your world has been destroyed. But it is chasing an illusion. Just as having an affair is chasing the illusion that there is “someone” out there who is perfect and will make a cheating spouse feel better about themselves. In the end, you have all the same problems complicated with a whole host of new ones.
Having said that, divorce WOULD have been my option had my husband not committed to therapy and been fully remorseful.
exercisegrace,
I wish I could email your blog to my soon to be ex husband. I think he thought all would be different. I’ve been checking the state web sites of pending divorces and from the looks of things she’s not divorcing her husband.
So perhaps this is why my ex h looks so as my sons say, thin, old, sad.
His whole perseption of the divorce life backfired. He told my boys that lots of people get divorced and you’ll be just fine. haha
My oldest saw his father twice during his college break once on christmas day for less then an hour and once to say good by to him when he was heading back to school.
My son didn’t hold anything back this time. He told his father that it is a breath of fresh air at “our” home. His father said, we are all family. My son said no dad , Me, my brother and mom are family, you are not our family, you left.
My ex texted my youngest yesterday and said he wants to see him because he hasn’t seen him in a long time. My son texted his father back and said, “that’s your problem, you left us”.
I know that my boys are hurt they are older and hopefully in time they will see their father more. I say nothing. It does make me sad because their father was a good father until he turned 50 and changed into someone we don’t recognize.
I have had daydreams about being on my own and doing what I wanted, when I wanted. This was a fantasy of being without pain and triggers, some of which he causes even now. LIke yesterday when he signed a text to me with “Love you lots.” That was THEIR sign-off. He and and I have never used it in all our lives together. It took a while for me to move beyond the pain of that little phrase yesterday. I know he didn’t even think about it and didn’t intentionally do it to hurt me. He was in his affair for six years. Some of that stuff must have become habit.
I fantasized about divorce mostly when I was undecided about whether or not I would stay in our marriage. But like Exercisegrace says, it was a fantasy not unlike the fantasy of his affair. The grass is definitely not greener there, as Rachel can confirm. The pain, the triggers, the grief – all of it – is still there.
Pain is pain. There is no measure. It’s like smoke. It fills whatever space it occupies. We go through pain whether we stay or we go. There are different problems, but still pain. Divorce is not a way to greener pastures. But staying married is no walk in the park after infidelity, either. Both take time and hard work. For me personally, I think that, in the long run, I will be happier staying. I love my husband and it looks like we have a chance at being one of those couples who make it beyond infidelity.
I like the pondering over this point, a lot. I know I have kind of “fantasized” often about not having this man who hurt me so badly, in my life anymore. But he will always be, even just on the periphery, as we do have three children together, who he loves and is a good dad to, and I actually LIKE him. Yes, I LOVE him. but most importantly, I LIKE who he is, he still can make me laugh (not as much as pre-affair, admittedly) but we like each other. Of course I do NOT like what he did to us, but I like HIM. I have done the throw him out thing, I have thought long and hard about my life without him it it, and I have time and time again come to the conclusion that my life is certainly harder now post-affair, but it is still better with him. I am glad I have had the opportunity to look at love, look at the way I loved, and examine whether that was a healthy way to love – put everyone else in the world first, and that was how I unwittingly saw how love would “save me” from pain, my love bank/insurance – it was not how to stop pain from walloping me over the head, despite my raging against it “all being so unfair” – stomping my feet, throwing myself on the ground and having a toddler tantrum about it all. I look back at that girl, and wonder how the heck I became her, as I am not usually that stupid, or naive! I have seen all kinds of divorces, rarely are they events I would want to be involved in, however kind or amicable, I have seen many of the divorced dive straight back into another relationship, without having learned anything, only to repeat patterns they have no idea they are even perpetuating, often bringing even more children into the mire. I believe staying, and working damn hard, has taught us all some very difficult lessons, but made us all look within to ask ourselves some very hard questions. Those cheaters who have stepped up to the mark and made the consistent changes required to live authentically (yes, sorry for the catchphrase!) have made it worthwhile, and those betrayed who have held the faith that their love would eventually be the person they had the potential to be are repaid, and also, those same betrayed, done the work on themselves to respect themselves, and try to regain some self respect (still working on that one, probably always will battle with that.) Those betrayed whose cheating other halves are not able to become that person, who don’t want to, or are unable to, implement the required changes, at least know they did everything in their power, and hopefully are able to apply the lessons they have learnt to try for future happiness in a more knowing and truthful manner, and that THEY are not the problem, their ex-partner was 🙂
I don’t think I was ever jealous of divorce but I really wondered if it would be easier than to go down the heartbreaking road of recovering from my spouse having an EA.
I have never doubted my love for my H and even though he hurt my heart horribly with his actions, I could not imagine living my life with someone else so I chose to really work on my marriage. I think it has helped a lot that he has done everything in his power to show that our marriage means a lot to him and he wants us to work.
Had he not been so willing to work on everything, I probably would of looked at things differently. If I have learned anything in my 45 years, it is that, you never get anything better, just something different and why take the chance if you don’t have too.
Well said. I totally agree.
Early on I too romanticized about divorcing. Then I started to think of my child with a step-mother (AP or any other who I may not like). That would always snap me out of fantasy land. I did however establish boundaries as to what I was NO longer willing to tolerate for me and my child’s sake.
I was reading another blog where the woman did decide to divorce her mess of a husband and she is very very happy there are no more triggers no more anxiety just happiness. I guess that does make me a bit jealous.
It’s different I think when you have no kids and the decision to divorce is yours.
If this had happened before we had kids, there is little doubt that I would have left. I also think that I would have regretted that, though. While the kids are the biggest reason I stayed initially, I also know that I do love him, he is remorseful, and I’m not throwing away thirty years together over some worthless parasite.
Exercisegrace, well said. That’s also the reason why I stayed. I was not going to throw away 27 years of marriage. And deep down I knew I would get my H back. Yes he made a mistake, a serious one that could gave ruined our lives and our kids’ lives but I knew he would take responsibility for his behavior and he shows me everyday how remorseful he feels.
I strongly considered divorce. I was preparing myself to take that step…but I backed off. I don’t know if that is a lack of resolve or some other weakness on my part.
At times when my wife is feeling particularly bad about her affairs, she tells me that I’m stupid for staying and that I should find somebody else, but I know she only says that when her guilt is overwhelming.
I admit that sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I had taken that step, if I made a mistake staying, and wondering if I will regret NOT getting a divorce, but I try not to dwell on any of those thoughts because they lead down a dark road.
For now, I try to think about the second chance that I gave her and us, and I try to focus on how we move forward and how I can quiet the last bit of nagging voices and pain I feel.
Yes I feel the same as every one else. Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know.
First I have never been afraid of being by myself. I just can’t imagine my life without him. There is NO doubt about the love we each have for each other but I question if that is really enough. Considering divorce, the idea of having someone else in my life instead of him ranks right below a sharp stick to the eye!!! I have a lot to offer and I know I wouldn’t have a problem finding someone but I don’t and am pretty sure wouldn’t want to. So what’s the alternative? Being alone. Maybe that would be ok.
Today I’m thinking maybe I should have gone through with the divorce. I’ve just learned more about the OW. She has a dating profile on a pretty raunchy pornography site. This is the woman he left me for. What was he thinking? OK fun is fun but seriously you throw many years of marriage out the window and risk everything you’ve worked for for that? Sure all OW are tramps. BUT THIS ONE REALLY IS!!! She is morally and financially bankrupt.
Also maybe the kindest thing I could have done for him is ruin him. Ruin his business. He’d be out from under it.
Yes I fantasize about moving away from all this embarrassment where no one knows me or what happened. I feel like he and I are the town laughing stock. Yes sometimes I am jealous and like the rest of you he is kind and loving to me and I thank God for my blessings.
I’m really struggling to understand what remorseful is. My husband had an EA for 3 years and I found out last March. He shows the children how much he loves them and helps more round the house. However I have not had him once say his sorry and blames me for the reason of his cheating. If he was happy at home he wouldn’t have looked elsewhere. At the time of his EA, which turned physical, I believe only once, we were both grieving. I lost my sister to cancer and his dad was diagnosed with cancer. I know his affair was an escapism and based on fantasy but he cannot look within himself to see what he has done was wrong. The OP was my first cousin’s sister in law which makes it so much worse as we socialise and see each other often. He blames me for his infedelity saying he was always in my shadow and I was the better looking one. He was besotted and infatuated with me and his feelings just switched off overnight. I’ve tried to melt his heart but I’m not quite sure that I can carry on with his low self esteem and insecurities. I have filed for a divorce but I’m hoping a miracle will happen … So confused 🙁
MADAMOU
Oh I feel for you. If he’s blaming you and not getting the help he needs for his own insecurities, I hate to say but maybe you are better off without him. You could be standing on your head, nude, spitting out golden nickels and you won’t do any good. He has to see your value even if it’s just warming up a pot of soup. If you’ve read through the comments you will see that only those whose spouses have taken the responsibilities for their decisions have even a small chance of making it. His assertion that if he were happy in the marriage he wouldn’t have strayed. This is not true since even people that purport to be happy in their marriages have affairs. He needs to face his problems with his ego. You sound like a strong, smart woman. Good Luck with whatever decision you make.