Is the cheater staying because they want to or for some other reason?
By Sarah P.
If you have been betrayed by your spouse, you may be wondering if they are staying in the marriage for love of the children, for their love for you, or for financial reasons.
It can be difficult to tell, but there are some clues that can help you figure it out. In this short blog post, we will discuss the signs that an unfaithful spouse is staying in the marriage for love of the children.
Featured Download: “The 24 Most Common Mistakes Made by the Unfaithful Spouse After Infidelity”
If you’re the unfaithful, get it, read it and carefully consider the advice. If you’re the betrayed, give it to your unfaithful spouse.
We will also discuss the signs that an unfaithful spouse is staying in the marriage for financial reasons.
If you are struggling with this issue, please seek professional help. Infidelity is a serious issue and it takes time, effort, and professional help to repair the damage that has been done.
Is the Cheater Staying Because They Want to?
There are several signs that an unfaithful spouse is staying in the marriage for love of you and your children. One sign is that they are willing to do whatever it takes to make things right with their spouse.
They may be willing to go to counseling, work on communication, and make changes to their behavior. Another sign is that they are truly remorseful for what they have done. They may express regret and sorrow for the pain that they have caused.
Finally, they may be willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild trust. This may include being open and honest with their spouse, being transparent about their activities, and making a commitment to fidelity.
There are also several signs that an unfaithful spouse is staying in the marriage for financial reasons. One sign is that they are unwilling to make changes to their behavior. They may continue to see the person with whom they had the affair, and they may continue to lie and keep secrets from their spouse.
Another sign is that they are NOT truly remorseful for what they have done. They may express regret, but it is often insincere. Finally, they may be unwilling to do anything to rebuild trust.
This may include continuing to see the person with whom they had the affair, refusing to communicate with their spouse, and refusing to go to counseling. It also may include behaviors such as contempt, stonewalling, constant criticism, and blaming the betrayed spouse for their actions.
Here is a great comment from a reader that I wanted to share:
“Most people don’t cheat because their marriages are terrible and they want out. They cheat because of issues inside themselves. They cheat because they are selfish, weak, and have crappy coping skills.
In the 2-3 years leading up to his affair, we went through a storm. My mother died and then his father died. We built a house, moved, added two babies (for a total of four kids) to our family, the economy tanked and our business nearly did which brought near financial disaster to us. We were perpetually exhausted and worn thin. My husband checked out and left all the work of raising the kids and running the home to me, because he was “too stressed”. His ho-worker would admit later that she saw an opportunity and pursued it “aggressively”. He was weak, and enjoyed the ego boost it gave him. It was also a distraction from our problems.
Many of the faults that cheaters find in their spouse comes AFTER the affair starts. My husband said he had to find a way to blame ME for the affair because he couldn’t believe he had sunk that low. If you asked him why he stayed, he would tell you it was because he loves me and he loves the relationship and family we have built over our 30 years of marriage. She was nothing more than an unhealthy choice to self-medicate his all too real depression. The affair was a temporary escape from dealing with his issues. He has told me many times over the years how horrified he is that he almost threw away everything that matters to him over someone who really meant nothing.”
If you are struggling to figure out why your unfaithful spouse is staying in the marriage, it is important to seek professional help.
Infidelity is a serious issue, and it takes time, effort, and professional help to repair the damage that has been done. Please reach out for help from a professional if you become depressed, have suicidal thoughts, or simply need a neutral professional to speak with who will also keep your situation confidential.
Why Don’t Cheaters Leave Their Spouses for the Affair Partner?
Please know there is always hope.
Please know that many people who have affairs never desired to leave their marriage. These unfaithful people were trying to fill a void within themselves, without thinking of the dire consequences of their actions.
Most of all, listen to your intuition. If you can put your wishes aside and really listen to your intuition, it can inform you about an unfaithful spouse’s sincerity.
Finally, here’s a short video that might be of interest by Psychotherapist Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC on staying together for the kids.
4 replies to "Is Your Wayward Spouse Staying Because They Want to or Because of an Ulterior Motive?"
What can I say? I am the BS. My h “says” he has forgotten the harlot he was with. It’s been over 5 years from DDay, and I think I lost every single little feeling I had for him. I no longer care if he’s talking to someone behind my back. I no longer check his Msgr., texts, emails or anything else. I don’t go over his bank statements trying to see if he’s spending money on someone else. In fact, I look forward to the times he’s not going to be home so I can have space for myself. We went on vacation our separate ways: he went to his country to see his mom, I went to PA to see our kids and grandkids, and I did not even miss him. Even my son said to me “mom, it’s incredible to see how relaxed you are when Dad isn’t around”……and I realized that I truly was in Heaven just chilling with my kids and grand babies!!! Now, you may ask, what is it that is keeping us together? HABIT. Habit is stronger than love, and as long as he stays in his lane and doesn’t interfere with me and how I’m doing life, he can do whatever the hell he wants, as long as he don’t bother me and nags at me. There are boundaries, because we are somewhat public people because of our job, so he knows that he has to keep up the appearances for the sake of our work, but the honest to God truth? I am emotionally divorced from him and no longer feel like “fighting for him”. If he trespasses again, he knows that he will go to the OW as naked as the day he was born, because I will strip him of every stitch he owns and send him on his merry way. That’s what his affair did to me.
KittyPone,
So happy to see you here and it’s been a long time.
You make a VERY good point about staying together out of habit. Humans are creatures of habit; all of us are.
It feels like it might be freeing to be emotionally divorced, even if not literally divorced.
I admit it. I got a chuckle out of reading about sending him to the OW, naked as the day as he was born. That would be quite a long way to travel with no clothes. Surely viral videos would be born – from the guy walking around – as naked as the day he was born.
I hope that are able to find peace and perhaps love in your future 🙏
Hi there. I am betrayed spouse too, only I am the unfortunate husband & still very much in love with her, especially, for our family. ( I have one stepson, from her previous marriage & I love him so much, too).
I am around 6 months since the D-Day, but their relationship already 1 year, before I found out. (Flirting & emotional affair start more longer than that). Maybe I am still on stage of recovery & try to optimistic as I could, now. Every day.
Btw, I agreed about, the problems arouses, the MAJOR ONE (COVID-19 & later I loses the job, too) she was thinking, before decided to check out. Only later, she lashed out, all the lacking & problems not only since the marriage, but before that, too.
Most of it, is very true, unfortunately. Maybe this is one of the reason l, why I keep hang on, still. I feel guilty, too & actually I do forgive her, already. But on the other hand, I know, the cheating part is way too extreme to punish me. Not only that, I found out of the affair on my own, & she was actually tried to denied & minimize what had happened. Worse is, the relationship is still ongoing. Very much ongoing.
All I can do is bide my time. Though I have the advice to put some boundaries, but, it make the situation much much more worse & I could not bear, my son, to hear us, when we were arguing, as she become really aggressive & very much defensive, too, screaming loudly. Worse, she will put every hurtful remarks of my lacking & bla bla bla.
So, all I could do now, just bide my time. Though I already know, the future consequences, but, until she don’t kick me out, yes, maybe I am, here to stay.
But, I am starting to be like you, too, don’t care anymore, her want to msg, sexting, nude pics & videos & the physical fuck too. I do count it, still, (their physical fuck) actually, but, now, not that sad & full of rage, anymore, just bit jealous but, pity to her, too, all the same, to fuck & desire for a guy, who is below her league, physically, old but yeah, maybe he is sweet talker who will validate her bla bla bla & fulfilled her interests in such things like numerology, energy, aura, & whatever the same sort. (I do understood & believe in that too, only, my fault is to always rationalize & though that is not absolute), & more importantly, a great great great husband & father, much more better better than me. (Though in the end, he cheat on his wife & son, too). I got it from previous of their texts, of how she badmouth me, bla bla, call me a nickname, such alien, now, that person, & now police, too. (Due to the, me asking questions & might snooping a little bit, especially after D-Day).
But now, I am trying to be like you & hopefully I will love her less & less, too. Though I still want to save the marriage & plead for redemption, of all my lacking & wrongdoing of her, before.
But, yeah, I should I think about myself, too, as 6 months past, & nothing improved, yet. (Though she warm a little bit now, with me). But their relationship still more stronger than ever, all the same.
I am sorry, for the longer talk & comment here. As it’s ease me a little bit as I don’t talk with anyone yet, keep my mouth shut, within our circle, as I try to protect her & especially my son, from this. Yeah, it’s tragedy, shame & might affected all of us, the stigma & bla bla bla.
So that’s that.
Just wish me to cope better & more better.
Lastly my gratitude & thankfulness to Doug, all this while. & Sarah, too, as I understood she is in very heavy personal matters. (Still I wish I could hear from you).
Sarah
It’s so good to talk to you again!! From the last time we spoke, I’ve relocated (again) for job reasons, so I’m living in another state here in the Northeast. I honestly feel that I am somewhat at peace with my decision and I even said to him a couple of nights ago that I would start the process of moving into another bedroom. You see, one of my cats sleeps on our bed and he has stated many times that he allows this for my sake, not because he likes it; so I told him that there was no problem, I would move out of the bedroom and both me and the cat would be out of his hair. As usual, he started to play victim and how I was choosing the cat’s comfort over his own ( he has allergies, but not allergic to cats specifically) and I said that I would always choose the someone who shows love to me over someone who doesn’t , so the ball is in his court. Last time we were intimate (over a month ago) he couldn’t perform and I recommended to him to see an urologist and he refused (tacitly placing blame on me) saying that he has no problems whatsoever and that it was a fluke (I’m not a man, so what do I know???) BUT he has made no other attempts at being intimate again, so, I will keep my dignity and try to conform to a celibate life. I pray to God that temptation forgets what I look like and doesn’t come along seeking me out…..