We had a really great time together last week. I was on spring break and Doug took some time off of work so that we could spend it hanging out. Consequently, we weren’t too involved with the blog last week, but that’s okay, as we had some fun and we got a lot done around the house as well.
We both discovered that our bodies can’t take quite as much physical work as they used to. We had a dump truck load of mulch delivered which took us a few days to spread around, and as a result I’m pretty sure that our bodies were sore the entire week.
This time together really personified what it is to be in a great relationship and during the week I realized what ingredients are needed to have a successful marriage.
One ingredient is compromise. I never really thought about how much give and take is needed in a marriage. Often times in a long term relationship this aspect becomes off balance because once married, we tend to lose our sense of self and feel that we should both enjoy the same things in life.
An example of this for us was March Madness. Doug loves to watch his favorite college basketball team play big games while in a sports bar. It just so happens that his team made it quite far this year. So, this meant that I spent a lot of time on a bar stool, drinking and eating too much, watching my least favorite sport. I am not saying that I didn’t love the time I spent with him and the fun we had together, however I was somewhat relieved when the tournament was over. I needed a change of scenery.
On the other hand I love to work around the house. I get great satisfaction from tending to the garden, power washing the patios, redecorating, etc. You get the picture. I also know this is towards the bottom of Doug’s favorite things to do list. However, he has really stepped it up and will gladly accompany me to home and garden stores, lug wheel barrels of dirt and mulch around and do everything he can to make the house look nice and appealing.
His effort and willingness to compromise has enabled me to see him in a whole new light and has opened my heart even more to the love I feel for him. I know he does these things because he loves me and wants to spend more time just being with me, and knowing that feels wonderful.
Another ingredient is effort. I have read a thousand times that love is a verb and that a couple has to cultivate love in order for it to grow. I never really thought about this before our journey but now I realize how important it is to make our relationship our number one priority.
I have learned that even though our lives are stressful and busy, I need to set aside time to spend alone with Doug. It doesn’t have to be planned or special. Often times we just sit in the back yard side by side, but it shows him that I care about him and that I am making the effort to be with him and that he is important to me.
Sometimes when I sit and think about the struggles we had prior to Doug’s affair and how our relationship has evolved into what it is now, I feel very sad. I wonder how we could have been so stupid and naïve to allow our love and marriage to deteriorate the way it did.
For many years we had the required ingredients for a great marriage. We compromised and put a lot of effort into our relationship. We were great partners. Maybe that is why we are still together… we had a good foundation to build on.
Doug tells me he loves me more now than he ever has, and I agree I feel the same way too. Once after telling me he loved me, I asked him “Didn’t you love me very much before?” His reply was that it’s a different kind of love now. It’s more mature, more real. I agreed.
I feel the most important concept that we have learned through our journey is what real love is. I hope the next stage of our healing will bring even more insight on how to continue on this path and to grow and strengthen it even more.
5 replies to "What I Learned on My Spring Vacation"
Great blog Linda! I found myself seeing me and my husband lately. Prior to the EA we were always going our separate ways, never spending the time together that we did early in our marriage. The time we spent doing things together then was because we didn’t have much and had to do these things ourselves. As our finances improved we hired people to do those tasks; like the mulching you did with Doug. After talking to my counselor and expressing that we didn’t do things together, she suggested we make a list of the things we both like to do AND get rid of those helpers, doing the work ourselves. Housework and yard work were not on the like-to-do list but we realized we had to do those things too. We now clean the house together, splitting the tasks then we get to reward ourselves with doing something fun from our lists. It is compromise and teamwork, something we were missing plus we got a sense of accomplishment of doing the things together. And, for me, it got my husband back to being involved in the day-to-day business of our home instead of him coming home to a perfect house, perfect yard and perfect meal. He became a part of the team again.
Linda, you reminded me today that everything doesn’t have to be a romantic, candle-lit dinner to be romantic. Thanks!!!
Notoverit, thanks for your comments. I believe that one of the downfalls of our marriage was when we both stopped being equal partners. Somewhere along the way I tried to ease the burden of the daily grind by doing a lot of the things myself. I foolishly believed I had more time, even though I had a full time job. I thought I was being a “good wife” by making life easier for Doug. What I did was take away our partnership and the opportunity for Doug to win me over.
Today I told Doug that I loved the rock wall he built as much as if he gave me a piece of jewelry. That realization made me think about what I really need from him, I just want a sexy handyman. I also am tuning into what makes him happy, and I believe he just wants my company, someone to hang around with.
When we first started this journey I believed I didn’t know what he needed or I thought I couldn’t give it to him. I have realized I know him better than anyone else and it is not complicated to make him feel loved. I believe the key is being aware and present in our daily lives. Linda
Today I told Doug that I loved the rock wall he built as much as if he gave me a piece of jewelry
This is beautiful, Linda. It really amazes me to see how similar all our stories are and how much I can identify with the BS’s on this site, even though we all have a unique marriage and different problems.
Like you, I thought I was being a good wife by taking care of everything on my own. I had a job, and I was homeschooling the kids, and cleaning the house, and driving the kids to activities. You’d think that I didn’t need my husband for ANYTHING. (Even though there were times when I resented that he didn’t pitch in a little more. I now realize that in a way, I didn’t allow him to step in, because I was so self-sufficient! Or at least, it seemed that way.)
My husband is very handy around the house. He used to plant flowers in our yard and fix up little things here and there… but I never once commented on those things or even thanked him for them. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate what he was doing. I did. But I just never took the time to verbalize how I felt. It might have made a big different in our relationship.
Ah, regrets. What can you do. 🙂
not connected to the topic, i just have to write something..
my husband betrayed me, hurt me, and failed to protect me when the OW assaulted me.. i understand about the need to forgive, we only harm ourself when we cant forgive.. but forgiving is different from accepting the man back and loving him again.. i can easily forgive him if i dont want to be involve with him again.. but i’m having difficulties to accept the person who had hurt you that bad and to treat him with love again.. Linda & Doug, maybe you can write something about this?
Doug tells me he loves me more now than he ever has, and I agree I feel the same way too. Once after telling me he loved me, I asked him “Didn’t you love me very much before?” His reply was that it’s a different kind of love now. It’s more mature, more real. I agreed
Wow. See, my husband keeps telling me things like these. He keeps saying how much more he loves me now and instead of making me feel better it makes me angry.
My sister tells me I should be happy. A part of me feels this way, too. But another part, the angry/hurt part just wants to scream. I feel so betrayed. It makes me ache thinking that all along, I always LOVED him, truly loved him. But for some reason he didn’t feel the same way about me.