Last week I wrote a post about romanticizing the affair and the affair partner. I know that during our affair recovery there was so much focus and discussion about the dynamics of Doug’s emotional affair, what was happening during their relationship, what needs were being met by Tanya, etc.
I know that many experts recommend that when recovering from an affair you need to understand what the cheater received from the affair that was possibly missing in your marriage. I agree that is an important aspect, but by focusing solely on what the cheating spouse was getting from the OP, there is added pressure placed on the betrayed spouse to provide exactly what the OP did during the affair.
Focusing on this aspect of the affair is a bad idea because the betrayed spouse feels compelled to compete with the OP and the affair. As we know, this is a losing battle because we are competing with a fantasy and no matter how hard we try and how much effort we put into our relationship, we will never win.
Last week Doug and I did a session for the Affair Recovery Group on overcoming the affair fantasy with Jeff Murrah LPC, LCDC . During the session I really grasped an understanding of how fantasy plays such a significant role in an affair.
Just recently I realized that many of my questions, along with Doug’s answers were used as a guide to help me mold our marriage to mimic the affair and the way Tanya treated Doug. Obviously I have learned that this has been very unproductive and frustrating. I finally understand how significant the role of fantasy played in their affair relationship and how trying to have an affair relationship in a real life marriage is only setting us up for failure.
There are many ways that we can bring excitement to our relationship, but I am finished trying to make our marriage into an affair and trying to be someone I am not.