Learning how to take responsibility after an affair is a crucial first step in rebuilding trust and healing both yourself and your relationship.
Photo by bangoland
By Doug
The other night, Linda and I were watching a series called “Bad Monkey”, and there’s this scene where the main character gives what’s called the “In a pickle” speech.
It’s a speech his father used to tell him whenever he got stuck in a mess of his own making, and there’s no easy way out. Many unfaithful people may relate as this is exactly what it feels like after their affair is discovered. You’re in this deep, uncomfortable spot, and everything you do seems to make things worse.
Watching that scene sparked the idea for this article because, as unfaithful people, we often find ourselves in a similar kind of pickle, trying to figure out how to make things right without digging a deeper hole.
In the “Bad Monkey” speech, the character reflects on the fact that people often get trapped in a situation where every choice seems to carry painful consequences, all brought about by their own decisions.
It’s a metaphor for being caught in a tough spot, where trying to fix things feels like walking on eggshells—if you step wrong, everything can shatter even more. It’s about accountability, the fallout of poor decisions, and trying to navigate your way through the mess.
Feeling “In a Pickle” and What It Takes to Get Out
If you’ve been unfaithful, you probably know exactly what it feels like to be “in a pickle” — stuck in a mess of your own making, not sure how to dig yourself out without causing more damage. It’s a tight spot, no doubt, and there’s no easy way out. But that’s where the work begins.
When the truth comes out, you’re not just dealing with the anger and hurt from your partner. You’re suddenly facing your own mess — guilt, shame, regret — and the reality that you’ve caused deep pain.
Maybe at first, it doesn’t seem real. You feel cornered, like every option sucks. Do you lie to protect yourself? Do you downplay what happened to soften the blow? Or do you come clean and risk losing everything? That’s the unfaithful person’s version of being “in a pickle.”
But here’s the thing…trying to wriggle out of the situation by telling half-truths or brushing it under the rug only deepens the hole. You might think you’re saving face or protecting the relationship by not being fully honest, but all you’re doing is delaying the inevitable — and probably making it worse.
The Emotional Mess: Guilt, Shame, and a Whole Lot of Defensiveness
Right after the affair is exposed, you’re likely feeling a mix of emotions. Guilt, shame, fear of losing your spouse, and maybe even some anger. Yeah, anger — because deep down, you know this situation is going to force you to deal with things you’d rather avoid.
The instinct? Protect yourself. Lie, dodge, defend. You might downplay what happened, leave out the ugly parts, or even shift blame. This is all part of what we call the “trickle truth,” and trust me, it does more harm than good.
Defensiveness is common. It’s like your brain’s way of saying, “Hey, this isn’t all my fault. Let’s spread the blame around.” But if you really want to make things right, that defensiveness has to go.
Your partner’s hurt, and every time you throw up a wall or brush off their questions, you’re just piling on more hurt. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, “If I don’t tell them everything, maybe we can just move on faster.” But what you’re really doing is prolonging the pain and dragging out the healing process.
Self-Preservation: Why We’re Wired to Avoid the Hard Stuff
In the midst of all this, it’s natural to want to protect yourself. You’re probably thinking, “If I admit to everything, if I let all the dirty details out, I’ll lose my spouse, my family, maybe even my identity.” So, you try to control the damage by controlling the narrative. This is self-preservation at its core.
But here’s the rub…self-preservation can backfire. When you’re in survival mode, you’re thinking short-term. You’re trying to get through today without another blow-up, without another tear-filled confrontation. But long-term? It erodes trust. Your partner can sense when you’re holding back, even if they can’t quite put their finger on what’s missing.
So, you’re left with a choice: do you keep dancing around the truth, or do you finally decide to face it head-on? It’s tough, no doubt. Being vulnerable and owning your mistakes is scary. But if you want to rebuild trust, that’s exactly what you have to do.
Taking Ownership: How to Climb Out of the Mess You Made
Here’s where the real work starts… accountability. That’s a big word for saying you need to own your actions — fully. No excuses, no deflecting, just real, honest ownership. You need to sit with the discomfort of knowing you messed up, hurt someone deeply, and broke the trust that held your relationship together.
At this point, you might be thinking, “Okay, I get it. But how do I start?” It’s simple, but not easy: start by telling the truth. All of it. Not the version that makes you look a little better or softens the blow. The full, ugly truth. And then, once you’ve laid it all out there, commit to making changes. Real, noticeable changes.
This isn’t just about fixing the relationship — it’s about fixing yourself. You’ve got to dig deep, figure out why the affair happened, and address whatever it was that led you down that path.
Maybe it was a need for validation, maybe it was unresolved issues in your marriage, or maybe it was something within yourself that you’ve been avoiding for years. Whatever it is, now’s the time to face it.
Empathy: Learning to Walk in Their Shoes
One of the biggest challenges for someone who’s been unfaithful is developing empathy for their spouse. You’ve already been through the emotional rollercoaster of discovery and confession, but your partner? They’re still living it every day. They’re questioning everything — not just about you, but about themselves, too.
Learning to be empathetic is crucial. You have to start seeing things from their perspective, feeling their pain, and understanding why they’re hurt.
It’s not enough to just say, “I’m sorry.” You need to show them, through your actions, that you get it. That you’re committed to helping them heal, not just moving on and hoping they forget.
This means being patient when they need to talk about it — even if it feels like you’ve been over it a million times. It means answering their questions honestly, without getting defensive. And it means being there for them, consistently, even when it’s hard.
Trust: It’s a Long Road, But It’s Worth It
Rebuilding trust takes time. And when I say time, I don’t mean a few months of being on your best behavior. We’re talking about years of consistently showing up, being honest, and proving through your actions that you’re all in. It’s about doing the hard work every day to prove that you’re worthy of their trust again.
One of the best ways to rebuild trust is to be transparent. Share your thoughts, your feelings, your whereabouts — everything. It might feel like overkill at first, but it’s necessary. Your partner needs to see that you’re not hiding anything anymore. That you’re willing to be an open book.
And the kicker is that rebuilding trust isn’t just about making your spouse feel better. It’s also about you becoming someone you’re proud of again. Someone who’s honest, accountable, and trustworthy. That’s where the real growth happens.
From “In a Pickle” to Moving Forward
Being caught in the mess of an affair is like being stuck in quicksand — the more you struggle to cover it up or avoid the truth, the deeper you sink. But the way out? It’s through facing the truth, taking ownership of your actions, and committing to real change.
It’s not going to be easy, and there will be times when it feels like you’re not making progress. But with patience, empathy, and a willingness to put in the work, you can start to rebuild — both your relationship and yourself.
Remember, you’re not alone in this. Plenty of people have been where you are, feeling trapped, overwhelmed, and unsure of how to fix what’s been broken. But if you’re willing to face the hard truths and put in the effort, there’s a way forward.
Whenever you’re ready to take the next step in your recovery journey, we’re here to support you. Whether you’re looking for a structured program to guide you or one-on-one mentoring to help you work through the tough moments, we’ve got you covered:
Whenever you’re ready, there are 2 ways we can help you:
1. If you’re still looking for traction in your affair recovery experience, we’d recommend starting with an one of our affordable programs. Here are 2 options:
→ Survive and Thrive after Infidelity – A unique and complete resource that will guide you through the recovery and healing process starting at D-day. It will provide you with the knowledge and tools to not only survive the affair, but thrive! Get started now!
→ The Unfaithful Person’s Guide to Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: For the struggling unfaithful person, this program delves into the 24 ‘tasks’ that the cheater must complete for them to move from betrayer – to healer, while gaining a better understanding of their betrayed partner and what he/she is going through. Become a healer.
2. Individual Mentoring – Whether you’re the betrayed or the betrayer, to talk to someone who has gone through what you’re going through and who can listen and empathize with you is an incredibly powerful and valuable thing. It’s not just sympathy – it’s empathy – and it’s irreplaceable. Reserve a session (limited spots available).
1 Response to "How to Take Responsibility After an Affair and Rebuild Trust"
I can’t do it anymore.
My partner had 2 affairs at the same time one on PlayStation with German woman one online with an American. He went to Germany for 2 weeks to be with her and he even told her he would even move there get a job there marry her. She sent me the emails, letters and cards in the post that he had given her.
This was 14 years ago. I have tried so hard over the years to put it in past, I can’t anymore.
He told me draw a line in the sand, put it out of your mind forget about it.
All I wanted to know was why. My daughter and her boyfriend had their say a few months after and maybe some of my friends. He actually blames them 🤦♀️. We tried to build a life all these years bought a beautiful old house restored it no mortgage or debts, I’m just so unhappy he won’t tell me why he did it. Left him again several months ago we are still in touch, he says he loves me and wants me to go back again, I don’t cry about this t anymore just resigned myself to fact he will never tell me, I can’t won’t live like this anymore.I can’t this time until I know why. He’s broken my trust, how can I go on and forget, he says it’s my choice that I don’t forget about it and move on and enjoy our lives. I can’t do it anymore