If you’re struggling with how to stop being defensive after cheating, you’re not alone — and learning to shift that instinct could change everything for your healing and your relationship.
Image by B-D-S
By Doug
I want to share a quick story about “Chris.” He’s someone I mentored not long ago. He’s in his early 40s, had a two-year affair that blew up his marriage, and now he’s trying to rebuild something real with his wife, “Emily.”
Chris told me the story about how one night, Emily asked him, “Was there anything you told her about me?” Instantly, Chris could feel his whole body tense up and he snapped back (paraphrasing here), “Why do you even want to know that? It’s over. Can’t we move on already?”
Chris told me that the second the words left his mouth, he saw the look on Emily’s face. It was that mix of hurt and shutdown that he’d seen a hundred times since D-day. And once again, he hated himself for reacting exactly the wrong way.
Maybe you know that moment too – the moment where you know you’re being defensive, you know it’s hurting your partner, but it feels like you can’t stop yourself. If that’s you, you’re not alone. And I want to help you understand why this happens – and how you can start changing it.
Why So Defensive?
First, you need to know that your defensiveness makes sense. When you’re being questioned about the affair – or about anything related to trust – it triggers a deep, almost primal fear. You feel attacked, ashamed and exposed. And naturally, your brain wants to protect you. It throws up a wall and tells you: Shift the blame. Minimize. Get her (or him) off your back.
It’s not necessarily because you’re a bad person. It’s because your nervous system is screaming “danger” – and you haven’t yet taught it that these conversations are not battles to win or lose. They’re bridges you’re trying to rebuild.
But in reality, your defensiveness doesn’t protect you.
It actually deepens the very pain, mistrust, and disconnection you’re so desperate to move past. Every time you get defensive, you send a message – even if you don’t mean to – that says, I still care more about protecting myself than about understanding your pain. That’s the real damage. That’s why it matters so much to work on this.
The following short video is spot on!
So how do you fix it in the moment?
First, you need to catch it – before it catches you. Start noticing the physical signs like a tight chest, clenched jaw, that rising urge to interrupt, explain, justify. That’s your red flag.
Second, instead of responding from fear, pause, take a breath – and shift your focus. Ask yourself, What does my partner need from me right now? (It’s almost always safety and honesty, not a courtroom defense.) “Is what I’m about to say helpful or harmful?”
Third, use a different first move. Instead of pushing back, try saying something like, “That’s a fair question,” or “I can understand why you’d need to know that,” or “I want to answer you honestly, even if it’s hard.” These small pivots can change the entire energy between you.
And the bigger reframe is that when you drop your defenses, you’re not surrendering. You’re choosing strength over fear. You’re choosing connection over control. And you’re proving – not through words, but through action – that you’re willing to stay present with the hard stuff. That’s how trust is rebuilt – one moment at a time.
Struggling to stay open during tough conversations?
Defensiveness can feel automatic — but it’s one of the biggest barriers to rebuilding trust after infidelity. If you want to break the cycle and show up differently, I created a simple Self-Reflection Guide to help.
You’ll go a little deeper to learn how to recognize your triggers, understand what’s really fueling your reactions, and start responding with honesty instead of shutting down.
Click here to get the free guide and take the first step toward deeper, healing conversations.
If you’re seeing yourself in this today, I want you to know that you’re not broken or hopeless. You’re human and you’re capable of learning a whole new way to show up.
The next conversation you have with your partner is an opportunity. Not a trial or a trap, but an opportunity. The more you step into it with openness instead of defensiveness, the closer you get to real healing – for both of you.
If you need a little extra help learning how to stay grounded, open, and strong through these moments, start by grabbing the free guide that is mentioned above. If you need more guidance, this is exactly the kind of thing I help people with through private mentoring. So, if you feel like you’re ready for more support, you can learn more here.
If you’re on the other side of this and struggling with a defensive partner, here’s a video that can help you navigate those tough conversations.