Discover how to keep a strong relationship when all you do is run the kids from one activity to another.

How to Keep a Strong Relationship
This post is about how to keep a strong relationship while working around the fact that you have kids.

By Doug

Let’s face it, kids are great.  However, they are a lot of work and can put a severe damper on any marital relationship. One of our younger friends recently wondered how to keep a strong relationship when all she and her husband do is run the kids from one activity to another.  It got me thinking about what we could have done differently.

Embracing Summer Freedom

It’s summer time once again and it’s Linda’s last week of school.  We both are ready to spend a bunch of time doing the things we like to do.  It’s time for outdoor concerts, baseball games, hiking, kayaking, camping, road trips and drinking at our favorite outdoor bars.

We’re to the point in our parental lives that we can pretty much do these things anytime we want without having to schedule things around a zillion different activities that our kids are involved in.  In a way it’s kind of sad.  That’s because we also love watching our kids perform or play sports and we’ve always cherished the time we’ve spent together as a family over the years.

The Joy of Parental Flexibility

On the other hand, it’s great.  We can pretty much come and go as we please and do what we want.  About the only thing we have to worry about is trying to limit the alone time our daughters have with their boyfriends in our basement!

Our son continues to live at college during the summer and only pops in now and then depending on his level of poverty, hunger or need for clean clothes.  So, he really isn’t even a factor anymore when it comes to our schedule.

Reflecting on the Challenges of Young Parenthood

This wasn’t always the case.  And I’m sure it wasn’t for many of you who have (or had) young kids.

Up until just a year or so ago, our summers were already pre-scheduled with tons of youth baseball games, swimming pool visits and other activities.  Linda and I rarely had any time just for us.  We either were too busy, too tired or didn’t want to hassle with getting a baby sitter just so we could go out for a few hours.  Yes, we were stupid.

Parenting Philosophy: Keeping Kids Active and Honest

We are the type of parents who want our kids to experience as much as they can and believe that keeping them busy and active is a good thing.  If that meant gymnastics three times a week or playing 80 baseball games in a summer, then so be it.  We are also not very strict when it comes to certain things.  We pretty much allow our kids to do what they want as long as it’s safe, they are honest with us, communicate with us and doesn’t cost us a bunch of money – or result in potential jail time.

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The result is that we have three wonderful kids who are well rounded, self sufficient (for the most part) and know the difference between right and wrong.  They also tend to tell us everything and realize that their ability to do things depends on our level of trust in them. (Sorry for the digression there, but I can’t help but be proud of them.)

The Impact on Our Marriage

In many ways, Linda and I drifted apart earlier in our marriage  because of our separate involvement with our kids.  I would tend to gravitate to our son and his activities and Linda would spend her time with our daughters’ stuff.

In the meantime, we didn’t make the effort on a consistent basis to spend time with each other doing things we enjoy.  Hell, there were many nights when we would barely muster much more than a ten minute conversation after the kids went to bed, much less getting intimate.

I’m sure there is a ton of information out there about this stuff, but I thought I’d throw my two cents in on how to keep a strong relationship (or rebuild it) with your spouse even while having young kids.

How to Keep a Strong Relationship When the Kids Seem to be Running Your Life

It’s actually pretty easy to do when they are very young.  You can always take a baby or infant with you wherever you go.  When our kids were infants we would throw them in their kiddie backpacks and go to restaurants, bars, festivals, fireworks shows, etc. no problem.  Plus they went to bed pretty early so there was always some time to spend together then. It’s when they get older (say, age 6-15) and start to get involved with various things that can create some issues.

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If we had to do it all over again here are some things we would suggest:

  • Find and employ a nanny or babysitter that you can trust.  Pay them well.  Don’t try to rely on just the grandparents to take care of your kids.  If you can’t find one or can’t afford it, then find a neighbor or friend who is in the same boat and trade off watching each other’s kids.  They will appreciate it as much as you will.  You need time away from your kids for meaningful adult conversation, having fun and for intimacy.
  • Put a limitation on the number of activities that your kids can be involved in.  I remember when our daughters were in junior high.  They ran track, danced and played soccer all at the same time. There were many days when we would have to take them to a track meet.  Ass soon as it was over Linda would rush them to soccer practice and then to dance practice after that.  At the same time, I would have to hurry from track to our son’s baseball practice (or a game) and then to drum lessons or some other social activity.  It was ridiculous.  We wouldn’t get home until ten o’clock at night, completely spent.  We also spent a ton of money on all of these activities over the years which may have been better used for a nice romantic getaway or two for Linda and me.
  • Enforce a standard bedtime.  Every kid wants to stay up late, especially in the summer time.  Don’t let them do it other than perhaps on the weekends or other special occasion.  Better yet, wake them up early each morning and going to bed early will take care of itself.  Allowing your kids to stay up half the night robs you of your much needed sleep and your much needed alone time.
  • Make your kids help with the household chores.  There are obvious reasons for this, one of which is it helps to free up time so that you aren’t cleaning toilets when you could be rock climbing or having a quickie.
  • Schedule time for meaningful conversation.  Some guru (I can’t remember who) says that most couples with kids spend less than 5 minutes a day in any sort of meaningful conversation with each other.  You need at least 15-30 minutes each day.  I would add that you should use this time talking about your goals, dreams and desires in addition to all of the other adult bullshit like bills, the kids, and work.
  • Schedule sex.  Spontaneity kind of goes out the window when you have kids.  You never know when your daughter might wake up in the middle of the night with a stomach ache or a bad dream.  Scheduling sex not only helps you to actually engage in it, but also helps to make it more exciting because the anticipation builds during the day.
  • Make good use of your alone time. Prioritize stuff.  Is it more important to the overall well-being of your relationship to spend your time together watching Wheel of Fortune or planning a weekend getaway? There’s certainly nothing wrong with doing nothing and just being lazy if that’s what you like to do.  If so, why not do nothing together?  We’re big fans of snuggling on the couch and watching a good movie every now and then.  All I’m saying is don’t fritter away all of your precious free time.
  • Cherish your kids and the time you spend with them.  I realize this post is about how to keep a strong relationship while working around your kids.  It’s just that doing things together as a family is equally important.  Linda and I would never take back all of the great times that we have spent together as a family.  We are a very close family as a result of everything we’ve done together.  It is truly amazing how quickly these times go by.  As we look back at everything we’ve done,we can say that we sure made a lot of mistakes.  And our relationship as a couple suffered as a result.  But when we talk about how our kids turned out or about the adventures we shared as a family, there is a definite closeness that permeates our being.  This is a shared feeling that only serves to create an even greater level of intimacy and strengthens our relationship tenfold.
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Well that’s pretty much it.  I know that this post has nothing to do with infidelity.  It just sort of came to me Tuesday as our kids were coming and going all day long.  They were just doing their own thing and living their own separate lives.

 

    9 replies to "How to Keep a Strong Relationship When the Kids Take Up Most of Your Time"

    • tsd

      What a great post…and I have to tell you the picture is hysterical…such an animated version of my house..

      .time…can’t take it back, and can’t carve more of it…wishful thinking in my head…you are so right about marriage neglect. Without even realizing it, a marriage falls into the rut of life…kids, careers, and others come first. How sad that is as the reasons you fell in love should trump others…but it doesn’t. I’ll never have 15 mins a day with my hubbie just to share…I’ve suggested it, and after four, were done…or he is…I would love more…and when kids are of the age of independence, an EA enters in as the third party so event planning goes haywire. I did it all then, now i don’t as it’s never appreciated. If ask for those wonderful things you mention, it’s “ok, I’ll do that”.. Hmmmm, months later I’m still waiting…even the baby steps have fallen asleep….so I ask, during these wonderful carefree summer months, how can time be expanded when actions and words are on vacation too????

      • Recovering

        tsd,

        I say this in the most loving way, because my husband is lazy when it comes to romance… okay… is totally ABSENT when it comes to romance and planning… YOU have to plan things for you and your husband to do, and then tell him to put them on his calendar. Even with the whore SHE planned the hotel, brought the wine, paid for the room… all he did was show up! Hell, HE didn’t even buy the condoms he insisted on having before they had sex… SHE did!! Effort is not in some men’s …. idunno… DNA? God forbid I get flowers for ANYTHING! Last time I got flowers from my husband was when I had my son… 10.5 years ago AFTER my Father-in-law had already sent me some to the hospital from ACROSS THE COUNTRY!! YOU are going to have to take the reins! YOU are going to have to make the marriage you want. My husband plans NO date nights. I tell him where we are going and what we are doing… I have given him idea after idea of things we could do, but he doesn’t buy the tickets, make the reservations, etc… I resent this sometimes, but it is really how he has always been… which is why I know he wouldn’t have had an affair if she hadn’t thrown herself at him… he’s not the chasing type.. never even thought of her that way before she came on to him in the bar that night… anyway, off that sidebar… YOU have to take control of your relationship. Does it really matter if you are the one scheduling and planning if you get the connection back that you want with him? Stop waiting for HIM to change and starting making what you want happen in your life!! YOU will be happier, and hopefully your relationship will revive as well!! I wish you only the best of luck. Am here because this crap happened to me too….

    • Recovering

      I wish that we had made our marriage the #1 priority… then we wouldn’t be in this mess. The kids were in school, both in soccer, daughter in band too, son in basketball and baseball too, husband in school 3 nights a week, me in school all day…. no wonder the whore snagged him, huh? We NEVER spent time together. The only together time we had was at a kids game or doing some damn project around the house (we had just moved into a new construction home about a year before the affiar began). We NEVER went anywhere without the kids. Didn’t know very many people since we were new to the area and didn’t have time to make friends, and were just too dang busy to even THINK about US… or at least HE was. Then we took each other for granted… thought each of us had been dealt the worst hand… me basically a single mom since he was never around, trying to finish my degree that I had started before we had kids and had to put aside because we moved and he got to go to college for free… so free took precident over my college… blah blah… I gave and gave and gave… by the end of the day I was bitchy and tired and resentful that I felt like MY dreams were sidelined by what HE wanted, though I was fine with this for years, it really started to get me after 8 years (he was going to school part-time, so the 4 year degree becomes 8, and add in a few moves to different states and it ends up taking 11…). I guess I could just see the light at the end of the tunnel, and SHE was his light… whore. I guess I just always thought that things would be different when he was done with school… and they were!! I had signed us up for a bowling league which started the week before he got out of school! I was SOOO excited that we could finally start spending time together… little did I know that less than a week later the back of the car sex would turn into hotel sex for them… A month later they were still sexting… I ruined their night apparently because I had sent him a sweet text message that morning, and the OW got ahold of his phone and got all jealous of what I had said… I know this because of a text she sent him…

      All I can say to this is it is all about making your spouse your NUMBER 1 PRORITY ALL OF THE TIME! It is hard, but kids join your lives.. they shouldn’t take over. Work is work to make your lives better AT HOME!! I will NEVER let anything come before my relationship with my husband again. I learned that the hard way. You can’t think that you’ll have your marriage back when the kids are grown, or when he is out of school, or when soccer is over… We do WEEKLY date nights now. Same night every week. We do Mimosa mornings every once in a while (stay in bed drinking Mimosas… usually leads to fun! ;+) )… I wish we could schedule more times away, just him and I, but that is still a bit harder to do than a date night… We no longer take ‘vacations’ to see the families (both in states on other sides of the country), but do what WE want to do for US. It’s been a hard year, and we still have so much work to do… I will never forgive what he did. It isn’t in me, but I will do my best to change our future… US is first… everything else can wait…

    • Teresa

      Here’s what’s funny about this….My H and I were FINALLY at this point, our boys were older, and more independent..as long as they had their XBox they were happy, lol!
      We were spending more time together, my H had started working out of our home, so he had tons of down time, and we took advantage….he went shopping with me, out to lunch, ran errands together, etc….that’s why the EA was such a shock!
      I FINALLY felt that we were connecting, after all the years of my H working a full time job outside the home, running the boys to their activities….it was finally US time….then he has an EA! That’s why it was such a shock to me!
      But it makes sense in a way…my H has always been very unemotional in our marriage…he holds everyone at arms length, including me, because of his ACoA syndrome….So as we were spending more time together, connecting, getting closer, it panicked him…and he ran.
      What was it I read awhile back….”An affair creates emotional distance in a marriage?
      I believe that’s what happened….he couldn’t handle letting me in. I can’t wait to go to his next counseling session with him…I want to ask his therapist about this.
      Anyway, it’s a good article Doug, you have some good advice there, especially for a couple with smaller children, but also us with “big” kids 🙂

    • Paula

      Great post, Doug, and one that would be great to print off and give to all our friend’s and their children who are embarking on parenthood for the first time!! Unfortunately, life gets in the way, even when you plan alone time! I, like you, would never change the level of involvement our children had in extra-curricular activities. I am also very proud of my three kids, who have/are grown/growing into independent thinkers with a social conscience! Love it! I only have the two still at home now, and they both play three winter sports – two team, and one individual, also summer team and individual sports – and they all play various musical instruments, in bands, etc. My son, who is 15, and in his first year of “serious” exams (I’m lucky, all three are very academic, all going through gifted and talented programs at their school, and have high expectations of themselves, sometimes I have to tone it down a notch!) has elected to take on extra credits towards his qualification this year, outside of his usual academic activities, by playing electric guitar, drums and/or bass in a band that can earn extra credits towards his qualification. I didn’t even know they could do that, and we are nearly halfway through the school year here, and I’ve only learnt he was doing this within the last few weeks!!! Good parenting, lol. I have always said to my ex, and to my friends, I chose my partner, the kids we got just showed up, there was no choosing who they are – he was always first, of course the kids’ activities were important, but my partner was number one. Shame he didn’t appreciate that!

    • Anita

      My children are all grown and have children of their own
      now, so my nest is empty.
      With everything that happened, I have zero regrets that I gave my children my time and energy.
      My children will always be a part of my life, along with my
      grandchildren and my son inlaws, and daughter inlaw.
      I am glad I gave my children my best, did all the things
      I did for them.
      Its sad my exhusband didn’t appreciate parenthood enough to set a good example, instead he was more
      interested in his affair partner rather then be a good
      role model to our children. However this is his legacy.
      I am glad I gave my best to my children

    • Anita

      I am happy I made the choice to give my best and do my
      best in raising my children, those special few years we
      have in raising them is here and gone, and we are left
      with the memories we make with them in their childhood.
      Its heartbreaking for them when a parent enters into an
      affair verses spending time with them. When the parent
      chooses to give their time and energy into a affair partner
      instead of their children, that’s sad. Imagine how many
      marraiges would have better off had that engery been put
      into their children verses a affair partner.
      It would have given the other parent more time to spend
      with them also.

    • Gizfield

      I’ll be honest, I didnt really agree with hardly anything in this article, except limit your children’s activities. My child is in daycare or school all week and I dont leave her unless we are going somewhere that is Adults Only. I can’t afford taking her separately, but really the reason is we all love the time we spend as a family. I had enough “dating” when I was single, lol. My husband and I talk a lot, usually in the morning while she is still sleep, I do not want to get up early.I grew up around strong families and marriages, no dating there. If you enjoy it fine, but I just dont. I remember watching Home Improvement and thinking the wife was such a witch, they went on all these boring dates, and she was always bitching about the toilet seat, lol.

      • Doug

        Wait until you have more than one kid who are all older and going in all different directions! 😉

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