How to handle a bunny boiler, as well as how to handle the other person who just simply won’t leave you and/or your spouse alone.
Photo by Claudia Dea
By Doug
Several weeks ago, we posted an article about ending an affair the right way. In that article I made a passing mention that ending an affair doesn’t always mean the affair partner is just going to accept things and walk away quietly.
Here’s what I said:
Often things do not necessarily end there, as the affair partner might try to contact you in some way. You need to have a plan for that possibility, and it needs to be one that you discuss with your spouse. You both need to agree on how you are to respond should that happen.”
Fortunately, I think that most affairs end in a fairly normal fashion. Sure, there might be, anger, rage, blame, yelling, hitting, etc. But for the most part, the affair ends and that’s it.
But what about when the affair partner (AP) just won’t go away? What about when the AP stalks one or both of you – either in person or on social media? What about when you’re dealing with a sociopathic ‘bunny-boiler?”
So, in this post, I’m going to address how to handle the bunny boiler, as well as how to handle the other person who just simply won’t leave you (your spouse) alone.
Featured Download: “The Top 10 Reasons to Leave Your Affair Partner Now”
If you’re the unfaithful, get it, read it and carefully consider the advice. If you’re the betrayed, give it to your unfaithful spouse.
Let’s Start with the Bunny Boiler
In case you aren’t familiar with the term “bunny-boiler,” it’s derived from the movie Fatal Attraction, and its use in general refers to someone unable to remain rational at the end of a romantic relationship.
The plot of the movie centers around the character played by Glenn Close, who was the other woman in an affair with Michael Douglas’ character and who pursued him obsessively after the relationship ended abruptly.
The phrase “bunny boiler” comes as the culmination of stalking and harassment due to Close’s character’s frenzied jealousy and her inability to accept that Douglas ended the affair.
She throws acid onto his car, calls him on the phone obsessively and hangs up, stalks him at his office. Eventually when nothing else is working, she boils his daughter’s beloved pet rabbit. Here’s the scene from the movie:
Perhaps you or your family have endured a similar type of situation. Hopefully not as psycho as Glenn Close’s character, but crazy enough just the same.
Perhaps you received numerous calls to your house. Maybe the OP tried to call or email your spouse, family members or friends to make threats or spread lies about you or your spouse. Perhaps there were veiled threats of physical violence or other type of threats. Maybe the OP showed up at your place of work or stalked you at home or in public places.
I think you get the idea of what we’re talking about here.
These things don’t just occur in the movies. They are quite real. I mentor clients all the time who are living this nightmare – both men and women.
Here are a few real-life examples I found on some forums of how to handle a bunny boiler:
“The problem is, the mistress rears her evil head with some drama that she must speak to him about. He has her numbers blocked, but she will call him at work or use another phone with a number that he doesn’t recognize. Every time she gets a hold of him, it sets back our progress. She sends him cards and emails, and puts notes on his car because she is so “in love” with him. I have contacted her and told her to butt out of our marriage. She accused me of harassment and said she would call the police.”
“Unfortunately the OW was even worse….she was delusional. She is a narcissistic, delusional control freak who, even when presented over and over again with very blunt “it’s over” emails from both my husband and I, She won’t take no for an answer. I have suffered through 2 very long and in depth texting conversations with her where she just can’t figure out why I don’t get that my husband is her Very special, best friend in the whole wide world. She doesn’t get why he won’t respond to her texts, phone call’s or emails. She still uses present tense sentences when talking about them and their love for each other and she has NEVER admitted she has done anything wrong. She flew up here and showed up at our doorstep one weekend unannounced…not an easy thing since we live in a different country. Our 23 year old son was horrified. She begged for my husband to return to her. Both my doctor and my therapist fear for my safety.”
“Definitely a bunny boiler in our case. After he ended the affair, and she exhausted herself trying to get him back, she let the crazy out. Crying, cut up wrists, a death threat, and the grand finale involved attorneys. While dealing with the devastating blow of betrayal, I had to fight against total ruin in all aspects of our life from a vindictive hateful person. Whose own attorney dropped her, and felt compelled to tell ours that she was “over the top crazy” and we should “be aware”. Also with a side dish of cyber-stalking/bullying us and our older kids.”
“I endured the Bunny Boiler. I got calls to our house. She tried to call my wife many times even after my wife told her to never contact us again. She sent emails by her to my friends and extended family full of lies, all designed to hurt me and undo my marital reconciliation. There were veiled threats of physical violence. Threats against my job. An absurd obsession with my wife, played out on her Facebook page, as if my wife was the only thing standing in between me and her. More phone call attempts at work. Text messages alternating between expressions of continued, undying love for me, and ridicule and invectives. Gifts sent to my office. Threatening, bizarre phone messages. Stalking me at shows (I’m a musician).”
How to handle a Bunny Boiler
In my mind, I equate the actions of a bunny-boiler to that of a stalker. So in formulating a list of things to do, I did an internet search for how to handle a stalker and discovered the National Center for Victims of Crime website. They just happen to have a Stalking Resource page.
Here are some of their tips:
Things you can do
Stalking is unpredictable and dangerous. No two stalking situations are alike. There are no guarantees that what works for one person will work for another, yet you can take steps to increase your safety.
- If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
- Trust your instincts. Don’t downplay the danger. If you feel you are unsafe, you probably are.
- Take threats Danger generally is higher when the stalker talks about suicide or murder, or when a victim tries to leave or end the relationship.
- Contact a crisis hotline, victim services agency, or a domestic violence or rape crisis program. They can help you devise a safety plan, give you information about local laws, weigh options such as seeking a protection order, and refer you to other services.
- Develop a safety plan, including things like changing your routine, arranging a place to stay, and having a friend or relative go places with you. Also, decide in advance what to do if the stalker shows up at your home, work, school, or somewhere else. Tell people how they can help you. Click here to learn more about safety plans.
- Don’t communicatewith the stalker or respond to attempts to contact you.
- Keep evidence of the stalking. When the stalker follows you or contacts you, write down the time, date, and place. Keep emails, text messages, phone messages, letters, or notes. Photograph anything of yours the stalker damages and any injuries the stalker causes. Ask witnesses to write down what they saw. Click here to download a stalking incident and behavior log.
- Contact the police. Every state has stalking laws. The stalker may also have broken other laws by doing things like assaulting you or stealing or destroying your property.
- Consider getting a court order that tells the stalker to stay away from you.
- Tell family, friends, roommates, and co-workers about the stalking and seek their support.
- Tell security staff at your job or school. Ask them to help watch out for your safety.
If someone you know is being stalked
- Listen.
- Show support.
- Don’t blamethe victim for the crime.
- Remember that every situation is different, and allow the person being stalked to make choices about how to handle it.
- Find someone you can talk to about the situation.
- Take steps to ensure your own safety.
Resources
Tips for Victims
Developed in partnership with the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice, this tip sheet presents victims with specific tips and information on responding to stalking.
Stalking Incident and Behavior Log (PDF | Word)
Victims are encouraged to keep a log of all stalking behaviors including e-mails and phone messages. The log, as well as any gifts or letters the stalker sends the victim, can be collected and used as evidence. The evidence will help prove what has been going on if the victim decides to report the stalking to the police or apply for a protective order.
Safety Plan Guidelines
A safety plan is a combination of suggestions, plans, and responses created to help victims reduce their risk of harm. It is a tool designed in response to the victim’s specific situation that evaluates what the victim is currently experiencing, incorporates the pattern of previous behavior, and examines options that will positively impact the victim’s safety.
Also See: Stalking Sacks
Here is some advice from a person who has experienced this situation:
If your husband truly wants this woman to stop contacting him, he can arrange it. She is the one doing the harassing, not you. Nonetheless, you should not be responding to her at all.
Cards from her should be unopened and marked “return to sender.” If your husband accidentally picks up one of her phone calls, he should hang up immediately. Her emails should go directly into his spam folder. Notes on his car should be tossed into the garbage unread. He should not engage her in conversation of any kind because she interprets it as encouragement.
If your husband needs an order of protection to keep this obsessive woman away, he should take steps to get one. As long as she thinks he is still susceptible, she will continue to pursue him. And if he refuses to do these things, his commitment to your marriage is not as strong as you believe.
Photo by Andrew Gustar
How to Handle the Other Person Who Just Won’t Go Away
What about when the other person isn’t a ‘bunny-boiler’ per se, but simply won’t go away. In other words, the affair has ended, but the other person keeps calling, and otherwise trying to make contact.
Here are some things I came up with (feel free to add to the list in the comments section):
- De-friend on Facebook and other social media accounts.
- Delete any special apps that may have been used to secretly communicate.
- Block the other person’s numbers on your cell.
- Block the person in your email account. If your email service doesn’t offer the ability to do this, then at least add a filter to your email account that will send any emails from the person directly to spam.
- It might be necessary to talk to the person to ‘remind’ them that the affair is over and there is to be no further contact, and that any attempts on their part to make contact will be ignored. Ideally, I think this should not be done face-to-face and should be done with both parties of the couple present.
- Should things escalate to bunny-boiler status or close to it, see the stalking tips above.
Clinical Psychologist, author and marriage expert, Dr. Dana Fillmore offers this advice:
For this instance, we’ll look at a hypothetical scenario. Your husband had an affair, it has been addressed, and the two of you have agreed to move forward together. He’s stopped contacting the other woman, but she remains persistent. What can you do?
First, sit down with your spouse to make sure that this attempt to continue the affair is coming entirely from the other person, that your spouse has ended things completely (especially in their own minds), and that you have their full support to try to improve the situation.
While your spouse may want to deal with it personally, this may not have very much impact – since the “third wheel” is still trying to win them over. If they haven’t taken the message from your spouse before, they likely won’t now.
So, that means that if someone is going to say something – it has to be you (or at least you and your spouse together).
It’s absolutely critical to be non-confrontational in these delicate situations. You and this “other woman” already have a reason to be at odds, and letting your emotions get the best of you can make this uncomfortable scenario much worse.
Whether by phone, in person, or whatever your preferred method of communication, ask for a chance to talk to the “other woman” on neutral ground, as mature adults, to sort out the problems at hand. Let her know that your husband and you have made a choice to work on your marriage and recover from the affair, and request that they respect your decision by backing off and letting go.
In a perfect world, this is all it will take, but it’s possible that she will resist, offer reasons to counter yours, or even become angry. Again, staying in control of your emotions makes all the difference here. Stand by your decisions, calmly explain how things have to be, and ask for their consideration for your – and your spouse’s – wish to build a strong, happy marriage.
You’ll never be able to control other people’s decisions, but hopefully a rational and calm discussion will help persuade the “other woman” to cease her efforts to rekindle the affair.
If things escalate, become hostile, or if you feel threatened, do not participate. Do not be afraid to call authorities or save the discussion for a time when all parties can behave reasonably. Getting into an altercation will only make things worse for everyone involved. This is a conversation that needs to happen with a level head.
It may take more than one attempt, but if you and your spouse are resilient – and committed to the affair not happening again – the time and effort put forth is definitely worth it…
Some Additional Advice
I found this letter and response online:
Dear Dr Nekia,
I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a foreign worker here on the island. I am upset by this of course, but what upsets me even more is that I would have never known if it were not for her basically stalking my husband.
The situation makes me think of the betrayal and how he was able to sneak around behind my back for months without me knowing. I am sure I will be able to trust him again one day, but for now I am concerned about why this woman will not leave us alone. She has sent me recordings of phone conversations, text messages, and even a sex tape.
He ended the affair once she started asking him to leave me. He says that she became obsessed with him and would follow him home from work some days. I have spoken to her and she admits that she has fallen in love with him and does not want to let go of all of the times that they have shared. I just cannot believe that he was carrying on a full-fledged relationship behind my back. They even went on a business trip together — and she doesn’t even work with him. How can we get this woman to leave us alone so that we can move on without bringing further shame and disgrace on our marriage?
Sincerely, Stalking Mistress
Dear Stalking Mistress,
It sounds as though you have made the decision to forgive your husband — a challenging task even without the situation surrounding the other woman.
Nevertheless, you must understand that part of being able to move forward in your marriage is facing the reality of the affair. A very real consequence of his indiscretion is the jilted feelings and actions of his lover. It is easy to be upset with this other woman. She is, after all, a threat to your marriage, right? No. The only threat is your husband. Men and women cheat for many reasons but no matter the reason, the third party is never the cause. One hundred per cent it is the cheater’s decision to cheat that brings about the hurt, pain, and dangers. The third party has little to no loyalty to you, they are solely seeking what they desire. Your husband, for months, carried out a type of relationship with this woman where it would be my guess that they got very close. This is evidenced by the fact that he took her on a business trip with him, and her desperation to hold on to what they shared. Is there a chance that her desperation is evidence of mental instability? Yes, this could be, but while it is very convenient to think she is crazy, chances are she is sane but making poor choices.
This does not make it right what she is doing, but it does make her human. This woman has, rightly or wrongly, invested time and energy into your husband. Your husband made a very real human-to-human connection with someone other than yourself. Even if it was not a connection that was serious for him, he played a part in making this situation what it is. I know you think that if this woman would just go away that things could begin to go back to normal and you could be happy again, but the truth is normal was not working.
If it was, the affair would not have happened. I would suggest that if the other woman is overstepping boundaries, you should consider getting a restraining order put out against her. Usually this stops invasive behaviours but if it does not, the restraining order is a valid legal footing for the next step. Yes, this does mean that there will be a public record of the affair but if you really want to move on from it you have to be willing to hold your husband accountable for his actions and stand fearlessly together as a unit. You must allow him to properly end the extramarital relationship he started and focus on fixing whatever it was that caused him to cheat in the first place.
In Summary
From the hundreds of personal stories I’ve heard from both betrayed spouses and the unfaithful, most affairs seem to end with far less drama than that which Glenn Close demonstrated in her role in Fatal Attraction. However, I have heard many the story where the other woman or man did not want to go away easily.
We’ve stated in the past that affairs can be life or death situations. Many folks tend to discount that possibility even though it can easily become their reality. It might just payoff to at least be prepared with the knowledge of how to handle the situation.
If you’ve experienced a bunny boiler/stalker as a result of your – or your spouse’s – affair, please share your experience and how you were able to get it resolved.
Featured Download: “The Top 10 Reasons to Leave Your Affair Partner Now”
If you’re the unfaithful, get it, read it and carefully consider the advice. If you’re the betrayed, give it to your unfaithful spouse.
36 replies to "How to Handle a Bunny Boiler and the Other Person Who Won’t Go Away"
Right out of the gate i made sure both the OW and my h understood i was no one that was going to simply slink away. Either way divorce or reconciliation i was not going to passively accept what either were handing me.
I know the term crazy bitch was spoken often and i was ok with that. Yes i did some stupid things but i did many smart assertive things too. I made sure she knew i could and would make her life way more miserable than she could make mine. When i thought divorce was going to be the route i lawyered up. I didn’t discuss anything financial or legal with h. I made sure she knew she would also be sued as my state at the time still had that law. I got restraining orders etc. i was ready for war.
As the weeks passed h started seeing who she really was and wasn’t so ensnared and we started earnestly seeking reconciliation. I got her fired from our business and we sent her an email together telling her it was over. She pretty much left us alone but i heard she was mad and bitter how she was fired and dumped. Her words.
Now she may have contacted him. If she did i don’t know about it but it would have had to been very secretly because i was checking everything. But he’s pretty good at hiding stuff too. I only saw relief that she was out of the picture from him. But who knows.
I’m glad i didn’t have to deal with her much and she quickly moved on to her next victim and then ultimately died. So there’s that. But had i had to deal with a bunny boiler it would have been her second biggest mistake she made with me. Had he wanted to keep any contact i believe h knew i would have found out too. I was that hyper vigilant.
I feel for those that had to deal with these real crazy bitches. Honestly stand up to them and show them you aren’t afraid of them either. Worked for me.
My husband ended things with both ow 15 months or longer before dday. However I was very detailed with specific boundaries and what should be done if contact was initiated. The second chance I was giving him was highly dependent upon this. And I told him many times this is the time to make a change and show me that you are worth trusting again. The one ow and her friends would contact him when they were drunk. He said this was common. It was so repulsive. Now that things were in the open he felt the same way. We made the decision together to block the numbers, any and all of them since they kept using other phones. Both ow reached out to him regarding a mutual friend (the one that introduced my husband to both of them). It is a long story but we decided together what should be done together.
I think that is what I took away from all it is that if you want me to continue in this marriage and give you a chance then we need to be in this together. He could not worry about only himself, the ow or how he looked. This really was his opportunity. There is no way to control the ow but he had the chance to control what he did and how he handled it. He did say he thought about just deleting the voice mails or texts but then he realized that would allow him to slip back into the lies. I was glad he got it. That cemented our marriage in a major way when we needed it most.
I am definitely a veteran of the bunny boiler wars. My husband ended his affair before I discovered it. She threatened everything from suicide to disclosure, and came to work with cuts on her wrists. Bad news for him, they had started a business together (and ran it out of our home!) and he was stupid enough to have given her (at some point behind my back), equal shares of the company. She lawyered up immediately. I found out about the affair via her attorney, who conveyed the news that his client wanted one million dollars (but would settle for 350k) or she would make everything public. She also leveled numerous false accusations of sexual harassment, hostile work environment (let’s just pause and bow our heads for the poor dear. She was screwing a married man in the home he shared with his wife and kids, and participating in the gaslighting and general mind-effery of an affair and SHE felt like she was in a hostile environment?) Thus began months of fighting back against her claims via our attorney ($$$), until her attorney finally called ours and said look, my client is straight up CRAZY, and off the record? Your clients should watch their backs. He got her to sign a settlement to leave the business ( she could have been simply voted out with no money had my idiot husband not given her equal shares) and told our lawyer he would no longer represent her. He seemed a little scared of her himself, lol.
So we spent the first few devastating months fighting for our financial and professional lives. This meant affair recovery had to wait. Once the legal wrangling was done, the harassment began in earnest. Prank calls, death threats, you name it. She created online personas to harass me and my two teenagers, particularly my daughter. She spewed ugly details of their affair that no child should have to read. She joined private Facebook groups for our kids’ church youth groups and school under false names. I was terrified she was going to follow my kids and hurt them. She posted photos clearly taken on our property under false social media profiles. It was disturbing to say the least.
The scariest thing that happened was that my husband had been sick for awhile. Vague symptoms, we had attributed to depression. But his doctor eventually ran further tests and found he had arsenic in his system. I can’t describe my fear for my children. Three of our four kids also tested positive for arsenic. We consulted a specialist who said there was no way it was accidental. It had to have been deliberately ingested. She had been out of our lives for a year so there was no way to prove anynting or even how high the levels had been in their systems.
We lived on threat level red for several years. To this day I have symptoms of ptsd. My daughter suffered depression which let to self-harm. It’s damaged our children and our family in ways that completely breaks me.
Our therapists both said the best way to handle it was to starve her of the attention she was seeking. Other than one letter from our attorney, we chose not to respond. Anyone who had to deal with a crazy ow has my deepest sympathies. To the cheaters out there? Just know that someone can be educated, professional, etc and still be a total psycho. If you choose to cheat, you don’t know what hell you will rain down on your family.
OMG – I don’t even have words … I am so sorry that your family had to/has to endure the nuclear fallout from this horrible woman and your husband’s affair.
Your last sentence is perfect – “If you choose to cheat, you don’t know what hell you will rain down on your family”.
Only the cheating woman is horrible? Take a look at your husband who behaved horribly too. People behave badly when treated badly.
Absolutely. The OW is also a victim, and some victims choose to fight back.
EG
That is terrible….your story is so heartbreaking!!! I agree…when someone chooses to cheat you don’t know what you might unleash.
I am so sorry you and your family had to go through that kind of Hell!!!
Exercisegrace
This is the worst I have ever read.
I am so sorry your family had to suffer like this. I’m sorry she was not able to be charged or prosecuted for this.
What do you do when the other woman won’t leave the workplace they share and he part owns the company but nobody else knows?
It’s been 2 years now and she’s still there but clearly I’d prefer it if she wasn’t – I get it’s her career and he’s more senior but UK law precludes firing her – he got close to offering a compromise agreement at one point but it means the other founding partners need to know which could mean he’d have to go too.
Any swift effective decisive suggestions welcome?
Anon, I will second what TH said. It’s time to put your foot down. I would tell my husband that one of them is leaving the company. He needs to talk to his partners and come clean. Either they figure out how to lay her off/pay her off, or they need to buy out his shares. Then he can go find a new job. It’s funny how cheaters have a million excuses about why they don’t want THEIR life to change. I would tell him he should have thought about it before he made the choice to cheat.
Why should she be the one who leaves? The knee jerk reaction is to blame the OW and expect her to just “go away”. The cheating spouse should be accountable.
Anonymous— we “layed” her off or that’s the story she got. Actually in my state employers have a right to fire for no reason. i heard she talked to a lawyer about wrong dismissal, sexual harassment etc but was advised she had no case. She could have tried i suppose. But i have better lawyers.
My advice is talk to an attorney. Do t guess about anything. H is going to have to grow a pair and tell other partners she has to go or they can buy him out. Yep tough choices. Guess that’s why they say Di t shit where you eat. Cheaters think those rules don’t apply to them.
I’m so sorry you’ve put up with this for so long. Maybe it’s time to put your foot down
Try having the bunny boiler be your husband’s first cousin. After 4 years, she still tries occasionally to insert herself into our lives, but I have all the evidence to send to her daughter and ALL the rest of the family should she come near us again. These are obscene porno emails (with naked pictures of her ugly old body) that she sent to my husband which I downloaded, saved in a secure place, and permanently deleted from his email. She was also a former cop, and I immediately turned her in for stalking to her OWN former department. They said since it was in another state, there was nothing legal they could do but it is noted in her file. The second she tries to communicate again, that’s when the emails go first to her beloved daughter. This cousin’s sister (who we love and are close with) begged me not to send to the daughter because a) her father committed suicide (gee I wonder why) and b) she is “emotionally fragile.” I don’t mean to be mean but I WILL do it. The bunny boiler, after whatever you call her “relationship” with my H was over, tried to get through to him via his mom, her aunt. She sent flowers, cards, phoned her often, etc., but auntie died a few months ago so there’s no one for the psychopath to go through now. In going through my MIL’s things, I found a card from BB that said (and this was just after I found out), “Now remember when we had our little chat, remember that’s girl talk between you and me, and you shouldn’t tell Rose about it.” I was used to my MIL talking trash behind my back but I didn’t know to what extent the BB was going. She even tried extortion. She tried getting money from MIL, but at that point we were getting all MIL’s mail and not giving it to her, reading every single email and listening to every single voice mail. We blocked the BB’s number but she changed it several times. The last time we heard from her, she was trying to get my MIL to give up a gravesite in Ohio. Apparently my H’s grandparents are buried there and they bought another site next to theirs for the “oldest” child. MIL didn’t want it. BB tried to get my MIL to give it to her to be buried near her “dear grandparents.” The ones who tried to drown her sister when she was little. H tossed out all the formal requests for my MIL to sign it over, though the BB kept calling her and asking when she was going to sign it.
With the last card that BB sent to MIL, I got to write on it, “Deceased—Return to Sender.’ Gave me serious satisfaction. But I have no doubt at all that BB/psychopath will try something else in the future.
Btw, if she started the phony suicide bit, I’d encourage her. Everyone would be better off. Yes, I’m serious. I have horrendous PTSD from that whole thing.
Hi EG— this has been such a trigger for me this week and it makes me mad all over again.
As you know OW was hired by h at our business. I wasn’t involved at the time. So when DDay happened and he was going back and forth with reconciliation i said she needed to go. One if the first excuses was if he fired her she’d be “broken hearted” as she loved and truly appreciated her job. insert big eye roll emoji here because WTF “broken hearted”??? Really yes he had the nerve to actually say this out loud to me. As the fence sitting continued and he professed the affair was over she continued to work there. No the affair was NOT over and he was lying and buying time slowing her to continue employment there.
During the next couple of months reconcile progressed and she continued working there and i kept insisting she needed to go however we needed to consult an attorney to find the best way to do it and not jeopardize our business. He kept making promises to consult an attorney but never did. He even fired her the end of May, which was 2 months past DDay. but she showed up one day crying for her job plus we still hadn’t consulted An attorney so she resumed employment and worked even harder to get his waning attention.
Finally on July 1 i found a burner phone and put my foot down. No more excuses no more buying time and to hell with any potential threat to the business as he still hadn’t contacted the attorney, i said that’s it fire her immediately.
We both met her in the morning at the office. Id gone with and boxed her personal stuff. We met her in the parking lot and told her she was no longer employed there. We handed her the box and get this I’m right next to him and i hear him say quietly “I’ll call you later”. And she left.
Now i knew i heard what i heard and when i told him i heard that he gaslighted me and said no he hadn’t said that. . But i KNEW i heard what i heard. In my mind i was so relieved she was finally gone i put it aside. Stupid me. But that was the tip of an iceberg.
It’s amazing how we wear ourselves down and satisfy ourselves with small victories. I put up with it for 3 months. I don’t know if i could have lasted much longer. And of course even tho she was let go there was still contact. And that’s what i see with Anon’s h still employing the OW. It’s not healthy for anyone to be at that business. One of the two have to go. And as you said either come clean to the partners or ask to be bought out.
Anon-Either way it’s a terrible choice but hey consequences. And surely your h knows this. As the BS do not minimize the fact that she’s still working there. Don’t accept the small victory. Everything is NOT as it seems. One thing you could do since your h owns the business is work there yourself. Your presence at the business could force her out. I don’t know if that’s a possibility or not for you. Honestly you’ve been patient long enough. Until she’s gone and there’s No Contact whatsoever that relationship still exists.
It’s horrible that we both had to deal with not only the emotional impact of the affair, but also a financial impact. I told him many times how enraging it was that he smeared whore all over every aspect of our world. When they traveled for work, she insisted on visiting places that had been special not only to us as a couple but also to our family. One example? She insisted on going to Disney with him and staying in the same Disney property we have taken our kids to stay. I truly believe she went to all these places to try and overwrite my past. She’s tainted to many memories reaching all the way back to the beginning of our 31 years of marriage.
You also stayed with a predator and blamed the OW who also needed to make a living. Perhaps with some self control on your husband’s part, the tragedy would have never taken place, and you would not have felt inclined to attack another woman’s livelihood. This is all about going after the OW and giving him a pass.
Well, a woman having an affair with a married man is all about destroying a family right? Getting it over on a unsuspecting wife right? Come on! Yes! Maria Donna, we all know our H’s were at fault! But there is a big difference between one who is part of your family and one who is the outsider who deliberately is motivated to cause you pain by fantasizing their win! Women who knowingly screw around with married men are walking petri dishes of disease period! It’s a wife’s choice who she ultimately forgives and fights for and who she pays back with the same amount of malice it took to undermine and ultimately destroy her life.
EG–I need to clarify. It wasn’t your comment or anyone else’s comment that made me mad or triggered me. It was thinking back on the whole situation and what I put up with and my OWN stupidity that triggered me.
I wish reconciliation/recovery were lineal and I know it isn’t for anyone. Even after all these years it can tick me off! Even after all the effort and changes I’ve seen in him over the years and the regret he’s expressed there is still a scar that when touched makes me wince.
I hope you understand I wasn’t putting that on you or Anon’s comment.
TH, I totally understand. It’s been almost 7 years since d-day. I wish I could say I’m completely healed but I’m beginning to think there is no such thing. While it certainly doesn’t dominate my life the way it once did, triggers do pop up and can derail me if I am not intentional about dealing with them. My husband knows what she’s capable of, and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if she pulled another stunt. Her last big one was a few years back, when she texted him and spun a sob story about having stage 3 breast cancer. Healing is a process. I would tell anyone to just keep going and putting one foot in front of the other. It does get better but it never gets easy.
In my case, as I’ve stated here many times in various blogs, I contacted the parasite the very day I found out what was going on. I have no fear of anything period! It only took for me to look at our phone logs and a quick Spokeo lookup to find out who she was. A coworker whom I’d heard my husband speak of occasionally. I confronted her before I confronted my husband as I knew the minute I hung up the phone with her, even though I told her in no uncertain terms what I was capable of and never to contact him again, that she would call him right away, and she did, which played right into what I wanted her to do. I’ll save that story for another day.
I found out by receiving an anonymous letter at my work, which now both I and my husband are convinced that she sent. Unfortunately that letter was opened by someone in my company before it was delivered to me and that caused me more embarrassment and humiliation than I can possibly explain and sent me running to the ladies room to vomit as I am a professional and have a impeccable reputation. I was shaking uncontrollably and couldn’t stop. I honestly thought I was going to have a heart attack. Then I became enraged. Maybe its’ my personality, maybe it’s my life experiences, maybe a bit of both, the one thing I can tell you is I do not like to be slighted, fooled, betrayed, threatened by any stranger that I don’t care for in any way. I will defend myself viciously if I have to. And I would have no regrets doing it as it is the right thing to do period!
I’ve seen female skanks/spouse poachers/sugar babies targeting married men in action throughout my professional career and I promise all of you, it is a sick pathetic scene that infects the very environment everyone who works in or comes into contact with is aware of and abhors. Smart women who work with these types know them and stay clear of them for fear their reputations will be sullied by association. Spouse Poachers are NOT innocent and they intentionally do what they do for whatever sick excuse they rationalize in their demented heads. They are immature selfish sociopaths and narcissists and every workplace has one or two. They knowingly engage married men who they perceive as having a good marriage (competition to destroy), however they also see these targets as weak, vulnerable and easily manipulated and do consider them a conquest bottom line. And don’t ever believe for one minute that they “never even think of the wives and families”, it’s a vicious lie. They infect men with their malicious toxic infectious disease, they most certainly do, it’s part of the thrill of the hunt. It is a sick power trip these types of women pursue and the pain that is caused is the prize. The more pain they can inflict, the happier and more validated they feel they are. Every betrayed woman on this website has been infected with it, and have suffered the symptoms and our husbands were the carriers because they were exactly what the parasite thought they were. I knew that my husband was going through a time of depression but I always thought that he was a strong one. I was mistaken. But I love my husband and will forgive him, however never will I forgive nor will I have any type of compassion or sympathy for these types of women. Therapists be damned! They need to be called out for the cancer they cause and they need to be aware that wives will reveal their whoring ways to the public as I will most certainly do without remorse or regret exactly how I told her I would.
My husband told that bitch of a woman that if I ever found out about her I would destroy her and if that was the only thing he told her about me, he was right. The next day after dday day I was working from home, my husband walked into my office, picked up the phone, called her and conferenced me in. He told her I was there and if she could clearly hear. She said yes. He then proceeded to tell her that he never wanted her to call him, text him, email him again. That he loved me and never wanted to talk to her again ever. And he hung up the phone. That was 15 months ago. She had better thank her lucky stars he took it upon his own self to do this and frankly surprised me when he did, because it’s the only bond that holds me back from completely ruining her and trust me, I would enjoy ever minute of it!
Cowards and rapists attack people behind their backs. They never fight fair and will use any attempt to weaken it’s target. That is a spouse poacher/bunny boiler. The only thing that my husbands skank did was awaken the most extreme rage I’ve ever felt in my life. She had better know her place now and keep her ugly fat a&& (yes my husband told me she has a fat butt) away or she will find that I’m the most formidable foe she will ever encounter. “Hell hath no fury, then a woman scorned”! I’m just that kind of woman! Bunny Boiler be Damned!
After my husband’s affair ended, we too, had a woman who wouldn’t stop contacting my husband. We finally had our family attorney write her a certified letter telling her that her attempts to contact us were unwanted and to cease from contacting him/us in any manner; email, social media, etc. He sent it to her home for her signature. Fortunately by that time her husband and family were aware of the affair. She called my husband the next day furious at him. Ha. He hung up silently on that one but a couple months later she contacted him again. Our attorney once again wrote her a very forceful, more threatening letter stating we would take her to court. That seemed to do the trick.
Soul Mate,
You get it! I had the exact situation except the OW spouse poaching bitch who does it for sport, knew me. So she even got more delight in trying to wreck our marriage and seeing us together in a social setting and sitting across from us and acting like nothing was going on. I wish I could PM you or talk to you. I’m so sick of people’s judgments about my H. He takes full responsibility but he was faithful to me for 3 years and the C*nt knew he had no intentions of cheating on me. She groomed him the way a pedophile grooms a child. She came around with her H and befriended me too, so that he was so blindsided when she threw herself at him. He was in the middle of a major MLC, and had just buried a best friend. This was not her first rodeo and during the year long affair, he saw that she had other “interests”. She’s a sick sociopath.
31 years not 3! She is still harassing me, but very subtly. She continues to jog through my neighborhood everyday, right around the time my husband leaves for work.
Hi True Love,
Just saw your post. I hope you and your hubbie are moving forward in healing. We are now coming up on 3 years from dday and are doing well. We still have our moments but for the most part are closer than ever. I too believe my husband was going through an MLC. He now says he does not understand what he was thinking at the time, that he felt he was in a fog and was mad at everyone and everything and it showed, with me, the family, his coworkers and all of our friends. He was in his funk before he met her and she was just a symptom of his depressed state. He was horrible. Not like the man I’ve known for 25 years at the time. She encouraged that behavior. She sympathized and validated that behavior in him. Much to the point that he lost his job. Good riddance! That place was a cesspool of sleazy women in federal positions sharing nasty photos with all of the men married or not, that worked there. She was not the only one doing it I found out later. It galls me to think that that group of people are the ones that are judging others backgrounds for clearances. It’s a sleazy world in Washington DC.
I’ll tell you what, and don’t take this as direction on what to do but if that woman was jogging by my house, I’d be letting my Rotties out in the front yard and make sure I was gardening when she went by. I’d walk those pups on their leashes right up to the end of my driveway and wait for her to pass and I’d make sure they knew she was not a friend. I’d stare that woman down and let my dogs bark their butts off. I bet she’d find a new route. If she called the cops I’d tell them what she did and why she’s jogging down my street. I bet the officers would tell her to stop. They can not tell me I can’t stand at the end of my driveway with my dogs as long as I have them under control and when I finish telling them what she did and that her jogging by my house is a form of intimidation she’d be the one they would focus on. Truth be told though if she were jogging down my street she’d end up missing a lot of hair and a few teeth and my husband would be bailing me out of jail. But it would be so worth it! Hah! I’m sure others here though can give you better advice on this one though. I’m not good at taking the high road when I feel slighted or threatened. Like I said, when threatened I answer the door with both barrels loaded. I’m a fighter and make no bones about it. Flight is not in my vocabulary. My H spouse poacher is way out of the picture and has been since dday. She tried to get my husband on her side on dday when I threatened her over the phone and she quickly found out that he was not going to help her. He had enough to do to keep me from tearing her apart back then as I was a raging mess. To be honest, I’m not sure to this day what I would do if I ran into her. I don’t think that it would be pretty. Thank God she lives in another city about 80 miles away and my husband does not travel to DC anymore for work. FYI, he now has a better job and loves it. I know his 2 bosses and am very content with his work environment, the location and his commute. Take care!
Soulmate,
Oh how I wish I could do many of the things you mentioned. However I. Already have legal issues because of her. I went to speak to her and she and her friend physically attacked me. They twisted the story and lied to police and the cops arrested me. She is a master manipulator. She was able to manipulate the police and I’ve been in legal limbo due to courts being closed. So I have to stay out of trouble right now. Believe me I’m sorry I didn’t beat the piss out of her instead of going to talk to her. I am a fighter to but that day I just wanted to tell her what a nasty slut she was and to stay away from my family. I did get one good slap across her face but I wish I had slammed her head into the ground. The charges would have been the same.
I’m glad to hear that you and your H are doing well. It gives me hope to know that we can get through this. This was so out of character for my H. He is 💯 remorseful and sees her now as the despicable piece of garbage she is. He was never attracted to her until after she threw herself at him. She is a pro, knows exactly what to say. She sent him the skank you pictures too. I’m waiting for the right moment to send the
My post got cut off…
I’m waiting for the right moment to send the pictures back… to her husband.
Hi True Love,
So sorry to hear about your legal trouble. It’s definitely the risk you take when you are a fighter and not the flight type. I’m happy to hear that your H is 100% remorseful. It sounds to me like you and your hubby are just now embarking on your journey to recovery. I’m sure many here would tell you that you should concentrate on your recovery and ignore the leach. It’s so hard to do when they refuse to disappear. For me, I have an advantage due to her type of career and if exposed would mean the high risk of complete demise for her. She is single and if I were to out her she would lose her job, her clearance and therefor her way of life. She was smart and when my husband told her in front of me he never wanted to see or speak to her again she listened. She must have realized that he was not going to protect her and if she pushed it, she would ultimately lose. Well hang in there, it is a long and very bumpy road. Don’t let her intrusion affect you and your husbands healing. And not for nothing, I can’t help myself here and am in no way telling you what to do, if I had nasty photos of the leech, I’d post those babies on the internet under an anonymous account. Since she so freely gives them out, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind. Hah! To Your Healing!
True Love
I think Soul Mate’s advice about posting those picture is a really bad idea….I’m not sure if she was serious. Same with sending those pictures to her husband…..you have no idea what malice you might unleash. The other woman has already shown you what she is capable of.
You are never going to change this person…..She’s not worthy of any space in your thoughts.
SI,
Thanks for the advice. I think I’ve learned my lesson that engaging with this bitch is not going to end up in my favor. The other thing I have learned is that I should have been patient and sneaky. One day karma will get the bitch. I probably will not be there to see it. And if that’s the case, it will mean she is no longer in our life. Giving it to God. Living my best life.
Wish there was a way to communicate with all of you other than commenting on public boards. I recognize the names of so many of you who have been here a long time and continue to give advice. Thanks.
True Love
Taking the high road isn’t easy that’s for sure…..but it usually works out best in the end. I always remind myself that it was my husband’s behavior and the OW‘S behavior that was “less than” not mine.
Take care…..living your best life is the way to go!!!!!
Morning Shifting Impressions,
As I stated in my posts, I advised her to reach out to other members for advice and also, stated that I was not advising her (True Love) to do what I suggested. Thank you for stepping in and giving her another’s wise perspective. Take Care!
Soul Mate
I hear you…..I always like to err on the side of caution. One never knows what these people are capable of. I think many of us have certain fantasies about how we would like to dish out some revenge…if you may. I remember shortly after d-day, reading how one betrayed spouse pictured the OW or OM ( I can’t remember which it was) hit by a bus……Well I just couldn’t stop laughing!!!! That pretty much sized up how I was feeling at the time.
I realized early on, the persons I was really angry with was my husband. He broke my trust….he lied….he broke my heart. There will alway be those that are willing to get involved with a married person but it’s up to my husband to keep that door closed.
Hi Shifting Impressions,
So true. My husband is the one who is most responsible and he has stated that he was from the very beginning and still does. You are right, there will always be those who are willing to victimize others for some sense of validation or self gratification out there.
It’s so crazy that my husband and I are coming up on 3 years anniversary date for dday and I really don’t think about the EA or the spouse poacher (still can’t bring myself to call anyone a AP) a lot anymore but when the days started to get shorter and my gardens summer colors started to fade, I felt that old excitement I always had when fall is about to arrive. My favorite time of year. Planning my fall plantings and decor, but something was weighing me down. I felt heavy and in emotional pain. I’d get all excited to get started on a project then a feeling of deep pain would creep up on me and I have started to randomly cry again, feel anger again, not everyday and for no reason I could put my finger on. My husband noticed and kept asking “what was wrong?” and I could not put my finger on it. He will hug me and tell me he loves me and let’s get out in the garden or let’s go out and do what little we can do due to COVID in a more social setting. Then I saw Mums at the garden center and it hit me all at once. Dday, October 5. I had not even thought about it. In years passed I would just get giddy in anticipation of the harvest time. The change of seasons, the colors and holidays. Baking and family meals, my grandchildren and kids all dressed up for Halloween, visits to the farms for pumpkins and apples. October birthdays of which we have many including my husbands. Mums are one of my favorite plants and I am on acute radar when they show up at the garden centers. And when I saw them on a visit one day I realized what it was that was bothering me. Now they have become a reminder of the most painful experience I have ever endured, dday, and the aftermath of that trauma straight through the holidays and into the years beyond. Now that I know that is why I am so melancholy and emotional I am determined to overcome that memory and once again embrace the joy I had this time of year. I bought my Mums and they are proudly displayed in my garden as they always have in years past. Let me ask you, will there ever come a time when hidden triggers, like my lovely Mums, will no longer exist? Will I ever exorcise the pain from my heart so that I can fully enjoy and embrace what I love at this time of year again without the stench that is left by a betrayal? How did you do it? Or do you still suffer around dday? Take Care and Happy Fall!
Thanks to everyone here for their perspective. I discovered my H’s affair about a week before Christmas 2019. What a lovely early Christmas gift, right? He told me he wanted to end it but that spouse poacher (love that term) would not go quietly so it may take some time.
The emails (mostly her to him) continued for weeks. She showed up at our house demanding that I “be more flexible” and let H have a side girl. Um, no. He sent her a note saying we were going to work on our marriage and any future contact from her would be inappropriate and unwanted. She is STILL sending long, mushy emails declaring her undying love every single day. She even sends videos sometimes. He does not answer them and mostly does not read them, though he does sometimes look for signs she is unstable. He is afraid to tell her (again) to stop because she is a nut case and might do something crazy.
It came to a head the other day when we came home from our anniversary dinner to find that she had left him a little gift at our house. He still won’t give her a tougher message to back off due to his fear that she will do something crazy. I just want her to go away. I do like the advice to no longer allow her to take up space in my thoughts. I wish I could figure out a way to do that.
lol reading all these comments..
I was the other woman for 9 months but never knew until I called his “ex” to discover it was his girlfriend of 3 years. I got immediately blocked, no apology. He told her I was “nothing” and said everything he could to downplay our relationship. Despite the fact I got cheated on and lied to, I didn’t even get an apology while he spent countless hours apology to her. Nope I didn’t matter because I was just some side quest. I’m furious and relate to why these other women want revenge.
The way you guys talk about the other woman and expect the “right” way to end an affair is disgusting. These are people too and the cheating partner had no business connecting with them to begin with. They are rightly resentful at being dropped like an egg with no empathy in a “nontypical” breakup while you get to stay together “happily ever after” and work through the affair like they were just another “problem.”
True justice would have been the cheater getting dumped by everyone. They did something egregious and suffer none of the consequences, the other woman gets all the brunt and backlash.
She’s rightfully out for vengeance and you as a couple deserve to get shit on just as much as she did by you and your cheating scumbag husbands. I hope they never leave any of you alone, and set fire to your entire life. The cheater deserves it and you deserve it for staying with them and thinking of their other victim as the enemy.