Joyce E. Smith, MA, MFT

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Trauma Specialist * EMDR Certified

www.joycesmithmft.com

how to cope with ptsd
Joyce E. Smith, MA, MFT offers suggestions on how to cope with PTSD caused by infidelity.

After reading my first article of this series, “What Does the Betrayal of Infidelity Have to do with Posttraumatic Stress Syndrome?”, you’ve probably come to the conclusion you’ve been experiencing PTSD.  After reading the second article, The Neurobiology of PTSD: You’re not Crazy –There’s a Physiological Reason Why You’re Feeling the Way You Are”, there may have been two things that occurred. If I explained it clearly enough, on the positive side, you gained a greater sense of clarity regarding the physiology that’s controlling your reactions.  On the not-so-positive side, it may have left you concerned that you were always going to remain in that state.  Not so! In this article my intention is to give you hope that you CAN heal and feel in control again!  I’m going to give you a number of specific tools you can use on your own.

First let me explain why you’re probably currently shooting yourself in the foot and inadvertently reinforcing the WRONG neuro-connections. When a mosquito bites you, there’s often a constant irritation drawing your attention.  You’re compelled to itch it, which ultimately really doesn’t make it feel any better. In fact, it usually continues to itch even more!  Well, our brains function in a similar manner. For example: when you think about any elements of the betrayal, the more you ruminate about it, the more you strengthen those neuro-pathways – ultimately creating a direct hotline to exactly what you’d rather not be thinking about! YIKES!!! If you’re able to exercise a bit of control (which, bottom line, is what you’re probably seeking in the greater scheme of things), switching your focus and traveling down a different mental path can make ALL the difference in the world!

How to Cope With PTSD – 7 Suggestions for Reclaiming Your Life!

Below are seven suggestions for how you can accomplish what probably currently feels like an impossible task – reclaiming your life! Hopefully contained in these techniques are a few methods that can help you regain control and give you some relief.  Just remember, healing is a process.  With enough time and patience, you WILL get through this!

1. Grounding

Do you remember in the second article of this series, The Neurobiology of PTSD: You’re not Crazy – There’s a Physiological Reason Why You’re Feeling the Way You Are”, I described how when your fear center takes over, your rational brain goes into emergency shut down mode?  Well, the name of the game here is to engage your cognition and bring your brain back on board and in the room!

Each time you get triggered, try noticing what’s going on inside your body.  Are you feeling tension, and if so where is it? In your jaw? Your stomach?  Your fists?  Is your heart beating like crazy? The first step in gaining control is to notice exactly where in your body you feel activated. If you recall, your autonomic nervous system, or ANS, is controlled by your inherent survival mechanism.  This means your body goes into full tilt “DANGER” mode before your brain has a clue what hit it. Bit by bit, you’ll get better at detecting this sooner and sooner. Before you know it, you’ll be stepping back right into your neurobiological driver’s seat.

The next step in getting your brain back in the room is a technique called “grounding.”  One method of grounding is to notice all your points of contact, i.e.: your back against the chair, the texture of what you are sitting on against your legs, how your arms are being supported, the connection of your feet being supported by the floor, the rhythm of your breathing, etc.  Basically not making anything happen, just gaining awareness of what’s occurring in the moment. This is very similar to the concept of mindfulness, with the main focus on body awareness.

There’s a digital recording using this technique titled, “Grounding, Resourcing and Peaceful Place Guided Meditation” which also includes bilateral music. Go to http://www.joycesmithmft.com/bilateral-guided-meditations.html. There you’ll find another link that will take you to a site where you can preview or purchase this meditation. **Bilateral stimulation is a technique to help deepen and integrate the process (something used in EMDR – more on this later.)

2. Engaging Your Cognition

A really easy way to engage your cognition and de-activate your nervous system, is to locate and count things around the room, i.e. “find 5 red things”, or “find 4 shiny things”, etc.  In addition to bringing your brain back in the room, part of the purpose of doing this, is to change your train of thought.  This begins the process of taking power away from your triggers. Remember the road less traveled analogy?  Well, this is a perfect example of “re-wiring” your brain. 

3. Positive Affect Tolerance

Positive affect tolerance describes how long our nervous system is able to hold on to a positive feeling state.  When we are scanning the environment, we only take in 4% of what we see! This phenomenon is called “selective attention.” Below is an excellent and fun video by Dan Simons demonstrating this concept:

 

Think back to a time you were going to buy a new car.  Suddenly, everywhere you looked it seemed as if there were nothing but ads for cars. Well, if you’re looking for signs of danger and/or negative things, guess what – that’s all you are going to see!!!  To add insult to injury, after experiencing a trauma that remains unresolved, your nervous system often gets used to only feeling positive for a limited amount of time – because it thinks DANGER IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER!

For people who grew up in an alcoholic household, or similar unstable environment, their autonomic nervous system, or ANS, got acclimated to what was then considered “normal” a long time ago. Their ANS learned that without the shadow of a doubt, things were only going to stay positive for a short period of time before the rug was going to be pulled out from under them – guaranteed! Fast forward to present day. Even though they’re no longer living in that environment, their ANS is unfortunately stuck in a time warp – as if still living that life style. Rest assured, their ANS is still very much in control, and one way or another WILL make sure in today’s world they are only able to retain a positive feeling state for a brief time.

So how do you get around this?  By doing something called expanding your positive affect tolerance.  In other words, finding ways to allow your nervous system (and emotional state of mind) to feel “good” for longer and longer periods of time.  So how can you do that?  Just as you are currently choosing to read this article, you can also choose to focus on something else – SO FIND SOMETHING POSITIVE TO FOCUS ON!  Resourcing is an excellent way to expand this skill.

4. Resourcing

Resourcing is finding anything positive to focus on. This can be as simple as noticing the smell of coffee in the morning, the way the sunlight is shining through the window, correctly completing a Sudoku puzzle, remembering a moment when you felt skilled and competent, etc.  Anything that when you reflect on it, it puts a smile on your face and gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling. If it was possible to bottle that sensation and hold on to it forever – that’s what you’re looking for.  As you focus on whatever that image may be, notice where you are sensing that in your body.  Focusing on body sensations help reinforce and “ground” the experience in the present. In addition, you can strengthen those positive neuro-connections by doing something called “tapping”. 

Tapping is a form of bilateral* stimulation (alternating back and forth, left and right) used in Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (phew!) or EMDR.   (*Bilateral stimulation is a process used in EMDR to help connect the emotional and rational sides of your brain. For more information on EMDR, click here .) You can do bilateral movement yourself with something called a “butterfly hug”.  This is where you basically hug yourself, and alternately tap on the sides of your arms. Or if that feels too weird, alternately tap back and forth on your thighs. If you want to be super indiscrete, do it with your toes!  Dr. Laurel Parnell has an excellent book called “Tapping In” which lists a whole range of resources you can tap in.  I know this may sound a bit like hocus pocus, but give it a try and then let me know what you think.  As a certified EMDR practitioner, I’ve worked with a number of people who prior to doing any EMDR work, thought the whole process was a bunch of baloney.  After experiencing a marked decrease in their level of activation with previously troubling events, they became true believers. Also – doing tapping yourself is free!  The only cost is spending a couple minutes of your time per day – and that’s even cumulatively over the course of an entire day! I KNOW you’re currently spending WAY more time than a couple minutes stressed about something, or obsessing over the betrayal!

5. Change the Meaning of Words

Words can be exceptionally triggering.  When we allow words to trigger us, we give our power away to either an assortment of lines and squiggles on a page, or just a bunch of sounds in the air. Words only carry as much power as we give them. When you hear a word like “betrayal”, and you feel re-traumatized all over again, here’s a twist on how to deal with that.  Instead of letting the word carry its usual meaning, create a new one!  Think about it, words are merely just a collection of letters, so why not take control and make them do what you want. Try taking the letters of the word that previously carried the zing and flip the definition upside down by turning it into an anagram. Play with it and have fun! The chart below contains a few examples of how you might do this.

how to cope with ptsd

6. Books

After doing lots of research looking for books that might be helpful for my clients dealing with infidelity, I ran across a real gem called “Chatting or Cheating?” by Dr. Sheri Meyers. It’s the most comprehensive and user-friendly book I found. In her book, she refers to an emotional affair as “emotional sex.”  The whole affair cycle is covered from suspicions and discovery/disclosure, to how to process the information. In addition, a real plus is having approximately 1/3 of the book devoted to methods of healing. The material is presented in a way that appeals to both the betrayer and the person betrayed, leading to a greater understanding on both sides – a real necessity to effectively heal. 

7. ALTERNATIVE THERAPIES

All of the methods I’ve listed above are things to help you get headed in the right direction, and begin to give you a sense of control.  If you find after trying these methods you’re still being triggered, and doing these techniques only feels like a Band-Aid on a gushing wound, you may want to consider investigating some non-traditional therapies that can lead to a more permanent change and rewiring of the neurobiology in your brain. On September 29, 2012, the Los Angeles Times published an article discussing some alternative types of therapies.  Click here for a link to the article. 

I wanted to highlight in particular two types of therapy they mention I’ve found extremely effective and helpful with my clients, particularly when used in combination.

EMDR

In the second article of this series, The Neurobiology of PTSD: You’re not Crazy”, I briefly discussed how when events are too overwhelming, our inherent survival mechanism breaks down all the elements associated with the trauma, much like a pane of glass that has been broken into shards. In order to emotionally and physiologically heal, and place the event in the past where it belongs, we need to find a way to reassemble and “make sense” out of all those shards of glass, putting it back together into one cohesive memory.  Once the fragments have been reassembled into one memory that “makes sense”, it can now correctly be filed in the “been there, done that, and moved on” section of your brain.  A trained EMDR therapist can help you make sense of your trauma(s). Another process is to “uncouple” events that have incorrectly been neurobiologically connected due to one minor element the two events have in common. EMDR has been proven to be one of the most effective methods of healing PTSD. To find a trained EMDR therapist in your area, go to: http://www.emdria.org.

SOMATIC THERAPY

Somatic therapy uses awareness of your body-based sensations. It’s an excellent way to help release all those impulses from prior traumas stored in your body that are adding to your current reactivity. Working with a trained somatic therapist can help you do exactly that.  Dr. Peter Levine was one of the first people to work this way with what he calls Somatic Experience, or SE. Click here for a more in depth description of how SE works.

Trauma Resource Institute (TRI), created by Dr. Laurie Leitch and Elaine Karas-Miller, MSW, LCSW, also uses somatic therapy with a process they call Trauma Resource Model, or TRM. TRM has been used with survivors of trauma from Haiti, Hurricane Katrina, soldiers returning from war, as well as with the general public.  Click here for more information on their work.  To see a short video of some work they were doing in Haiti, click here.


 There IS light, hope and healing at the end of the tunnel.

There’s no mistaking the reality that dealing with the betrayal of infidelity is a life changing experience.  Change carries with it a mix of being terrified of the unknown, and exhilaration of the endless possibilities of where you can go. With my clients, I’ve found that this particular journey can feel especially scary.  Armed with the understanding why they’ve been feeling the way they have, combined with using some of the techniques mentioned in this article, I have seen people ultimately come to a place of acceptance and achieve a sense of peace.

My wish for those who have read this series of three articles is for this journey to be a bit less confusing, and has opened the possibility for hope in the future.  When you choose to make healing your ultimate goal, I think you’ll find the rewards to be more than you ever thought possible.  If you and your partner are able to heal together, there is a good chance you’ll feel a deeper level of closeness and intimacy than ever before.  If the journey of healing is a solo one, this becomes an excellent opportunity to work through old, unresolved wounds and ultimately reclaim your life with a new sense of wholeness.

*We want to thank Joyce very much for this wonderful series about PTSD.  Here again are the links for the first article in the series as well as the second article.

**Additionally, we spoke with Joyce by phone and recorded it.  You can access this interview from here.

 

Joyce E. Smith, MA, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, trauma specialist and certified EMDR practitioner. In addition she is trained in somatic therapy, expressive art therapy, sandtray therapy and child centered play therapy. She has a private therapy practice in Hollywood, CA. You can find more information about Joyce on her website:  www.joycesmithmft.com

 

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Regaining Control:
Dealing With Obsessive Thoughts, Triggers and Memories of the Affair

Arm yourself with a variety of techniques, practical strategies and  knowledge to help you to manage those intrusive thoughts, triggers and memories of your partner’s affair.

 

    16 replies to "Methods to Help You Cope and Heal from Posttraumatic Stress Syndrome Caused by the Betrayal of Infidelity"

    • Doug

      Wonderful article and wonderful series, Joyce! You gave us all a tremendous amount of helpful information. Thank you so much!

    • chiffchaff

      some very useful coping mechanisms there. I think they’ll be useful for this weekend when I have to return to the sister-in-laws house where I first found out about my H’s PA and EA. I think I’ll be using many of those over the next few days… thanks!

    • Surviving

      This is a very informative article, the solutions I’ve been using to date haven’t been working, and in honestly I’m tired, I’m tired of the triggers I’m tired of my happy moods being ruined and I’m ready to move on.
      Why I keep going down that road is now not a question but it needs to stop.

      Today I started using your techniques and I will say it was hard, it took a real effort on my part to stop the previous behavior.

      Thanks for all the information

    • Joyce E. Smith, MA, MFT

      Surviving, It takes a while to switch gears, particularly when you’ve so heavily reinforced those neuro-connections – and you CAN make changes. Just think about how many millions of times triggers had your brain traveling down the same path with thoughts about the betrayal. If you’ve had other traumas in your history, you may need some additional help from a trained EMDR/somatic therapist.

    • Teresa

      ” In order to emotionally and physiologically heal, and place the event in the past where it belongs, we need to find a way to reassemble and “make sense” out of all those shards of glass, putting it back together into one cohesive memory. Once the fragments have been reassembled into one memory that “makes sense”, it can now correctly be filed in the “been there, done that, and moved on” section of your brain.”

      OK, I NEEDED that!! My H and I are “stuck” right now because I can’t seem to get it together in my head, just what happened the day he met the cow again, after 27 yrs of no contact!
      He says it was very innocent, nothing major happened, he wasn’t attracted to her at all, they just talked and “caught up” on the previous years….and yet, he admits that he thought of her often after he returned home, and 5 days later, accepted a text message from her, asking if they could “talk”!!
      And four months later, my life changed forever when I found out that he was involved in a EA with her!
      My H’s therapist told him the “light switched off” here in his home, and “switched on” when he met her again….my question is WHY??
      A 30 min “innocent” conversation had the power to bring such unbearable pain and change my life forever??
      My H can’t answer the question and I can’t let it go! I feel I need an answer, so that I can FINALLY put the EA in the past! Because it makes no sense to me still!

    • Joyce E. Smith, MA, MFT

      Teresa,

      Without knowing many more of the details, there’s a possibility your husband may have been (still is?) suffering from a sex addiction. People with sex addictions usually either grew up in an extremely restrictive environment, or had some kind of childhood trauma that just didn’t make sense to them, so their brain actually made a physiological disconnect between their actions, and the ramifications of it. I’m guessing he thought his actions with the EA would never hurt you, and was in complete denial that you would be effected. If he’s still unclear why this was so hurtful for you, have him read the second article of this series. I also strongly recommend both of you read Dr. Sheri Meyer’s book “Chatting or Cheating.” She clarifies, in no uncertain terms, exactly what defines an EA. She also very clearly states exactly where the uncrossable boundaries should be – and why.

      Because your symptoms are still so strong, working with a competent EMDR/somatic therapist should help you tremendously greatly reduce your current reactivity. You may want to re-read the second article of this series regarding the neurobiology of what’s been happening. Traditional talk therapy just doesn’t reach these types of things. Yes, it’s helpful having a forum (like this website, or a partner’s group) to share and normalize your experience, however to really restructure those neurobiological connections, you’ll most likely need to seek some of the alternative therapies.

      • Teresa

        Joyce, I’m curious, why a “sex addiction”? My H swears that they never did the sexting or “dirty talk” that is quite common with EA’s and that it was the admiration and attention he was seeking, not a long term relationship.
        I tend to believe him, since he does seem VERY adament about that part of it…and I never found any evidence that he did have that kind of realationship…and believe I looked!!
        And yes, you’re right, he never thought I’d find out, since she lives several hundred miles away from us…it was all texting and daily phone calls…
        He did grow up in an abusive home. Alchoholic father, emotionally distant mother…His therapist said he’s an Avoider, which I agree with 100%!
        We are doing much better, except I can’t accept that a 30 min conversation, in the beginning, can wreck so much havoc later!

    • tryingtoowife

      Teresa I have the very problem you state here. I accept that I can not understand and somehow must live with it?! They were living in selfish cocoon at that time.
      My husband affair was sexual, and he insists that he never felt any romantic feeling towards his AP, however even though she was the one to start the chase and sexting and offer a no string attached sexual relationship, she” fell in love with him” (she is mental and dysfunctional!). What he says will NEVER make sense to me. He wanted more sex (with me), felt confused by midlife crises, felt that I did not want/love him any more. He, did not want to sadden me, and the tears if he complained. So, adultery is easier than talk to me??? This is COMPLETELY out of my understanding! I could not give him more sex (I wanted it too!) because he was physically not very much present, because of ALL his works and projects, and then because of time spending with his AP.
      He says he still loved me and believed I would never find out (this is the only thing that makes sense). So, through all the time he was sneaking around, f&%!&ing his AP, and he loved me? Please give me a break! Love and deceit? Respect out of the window?
      I am sorry Joyce. I found your articles great reads, full of very important information that I relate to, and I really hope one day it might work on me. But I also believe that sometimes things will have to be just accepted to be able to move on? I am working really hard on this. Thank you so much for these articles, I have been reading about PTSD since about a year, because some triggers is ruining my chance of moving on with my life. The techniques you wrote here shows possibilities. Thank you also for the links and books advices.

    • Joyce E. Smith, MA, MFT

      Teresa, I completely appreciate your confusion regarding the possibility of a sex addiction, even though it was not physical. Dr. Sheri Meyers refers to an EA as “emotional sex.” I’m thinking about writing some articles to address this issue. Your husband’s childhood background is quite typical for this type of addiction – AND that may not be what’s going on. Just a speculation. All addictions carry with them a desire for a positive feeling state. In your husband’s case, he wanted to feel admiration and attention – something he was probably seeking as a child, but didn’t get.

      Think about it, if you’re a young child, inherently you need to feel secure and “attached” to your primary caregiver, which it sounds like that was not a reality. Subsequently, your brain protects you from this by separating what you want, from the repercussions of your actions (i.e. the EA). It would have felt very frightening to not be important to his parents, so a neurobiological disconnect was formed. Sex addiction is actually all about isolation, even though it may appear otherwise. A kind of re-enacting to try and (falsely) recreate what they were really seeking so long ago, but actually ultimately ending up with the same, disconnected feelings.

      I hope this helps a bit.

    • Joyce E. Smith, MA, MFT

      To all of you trying to use the tools mentioned in this article, please don’t beat yourself up if there isn’t an instantaneous change. Your trigger reactions are things that have been functioning for a very LONG time. The more often your brain traveled to thoughts of the betrayal, the more you reinforced the connection of the trigger to the betrayal – even though inherently the individual trigger standing alone doesn’t necessarily have to have anything to do with the EA. For example, ChiffChaff’ has a trigger of her sister-in-laws house. The house itself is just made of materials like wood, paint, bricks. It’s the association that is caused by the trigger.

      Your nervous system is still stuck in survival “danger” mode. Using these techniques can help in the moment, and perhaps over a long, extended period of using them, cause more permanent changes. Working with an EMDR/somatic therapist can help speed that process along.

      Take care.

    • Gizfield

      You know, I think Helen Gurley Brown is absolutely correct. I saw that she died recently and every one was commenting on how much she did for the female race, species, gender I guess it is. Anyway, I have a shelf on my bookcase of books from my youth. Of course, there are a couple from HGB herself. I loved Cosmo back in the day, even though I never particularly could identify with the women in it. So I got out a copy of Sex and the Single Girl, copyright 1962. Wow, 50 years. She devotes an entire section to Married Men. They aren’t perfect but “the solution is not to rule out married men but to keep them as pets.” Page 20. On the downside, hes a liar, and won’t divorce his wife (aka “her”) for you. The upside is “he will love you more passionately than the woman he married, and prefer your company to hers.” On page 21 she explains that “mistresses” should not feel sorry for “her” because if she is “loving and smart” she’ll get that fella back almost every time. Thats good to know. The wife is lucky cause her husband will “arrive back home a happier, contented man.” Then, theres a couple of pages of case studies to document how you can improve your life by dating someone else’s husband. I am not making this up, I only wish I were. I have to say now that I have thrown my husband out a couple of times and consulted an attorney, he is like my own personal “married man. ” he cooks, he cleans, he buys groceries, mows the lawn, texts me his every move. He even volunteered to go to the festival at our daughters school last night, showed up on time, and did not look at his phone one single time !! Next thing you know, he’ll bring flowers or a gift or wisk me away on a trip to Tahiti, or at least the mountains.

    • Gizfield

      Uh oh, HGB does admit married men’s “most trying quality is their fetish about secrecy.” They dont want you to tell anyone about your relationship. “Theres not much you can do about this obsession but PRETEND not to tell anyone.” You csn also flirt with married men ,”under his wife’s nose.” She might even”pick up some good pointers.” I dont know what anyone else thinks but it is incredible that someone who advises women to be liars and adulterers is considered to be a strong female role model. Just saying.

    • Cookiemomster

      This series of articles have been the most helpful things I’ve read on this site since becoming a member. I’m seven months post D-Day and am most certainly suffering from PTSD as described here. My reaction to discovering my husband’s EA was certainly the most devastating thing to ever happen to me. My reactions to a multitude of triggers are both highly emotional and even physical. I still get nauseous when I drive by a certain pay phone that I caught him on 45 days post D-Day when he knew he could no longer use his cell to continue contact. This is just one example of many triggers I still deal with on a daily basis. He insists he wants both me and our marriage. Insists he loves me. However, he never has and never will allow any discussion whatsoever of that period of time, to the point of becoming violent (not to me, but thrashing about, stomping off and even crying) if I even halfway broach the subject. SO, I truly believe I may never have any of my burning questions answered about his feelings during that time and not only must I try to use the tools you’ve given me to help divert myself from my reactions to visual and audible triggers, but to divert myself from the wonderings that have been plaguing me. Tough work ahead!

    • Joyce E. Smith, MA, MFT

      Cookie Monster, I’m so glad you’ve found my articles helpful. It’s exceptionally important to have your questions answered. A vital part of healing is to be able to make sense of things, and be able to put a timeline to what occurred, all those things that have effected your life which you weren’t part of. It’s so much more difficult to put together a cohesive timeline when you have an un-cooperative partner. And, unfortunately, all too often this is the case.

      I’m speculating one of two things are going on with your husband. First, he may have an addiction and is still in denial
      over the repercussions of his actions. Second, and most likely where there’s an addiction or not, he sees the level of your pain and feels deeply shameful and guilty for his actions. To come to the realization of how deeply he has injured you is devastating – and we know most men are not too comfortable dipping in the emotional pool. On some level he is probably terrified you’ll leave him, and thus doesn’t want to discuss anything about it because he’s concerned you’ll get too upset and leave.

      If at all possible, I strongly suggest you get Dr. Sheri Meyer’s book “Chatting or Cheating” and have your husband read it with you – just for information purposes only. She does an excellent job of talking to both the betrayer and the person betrayed. There are many quotes in the book of men who have been betrayed, which I believe makes easier for a man who was the betrayer to take in the information.

      If it was a from of addiction, withdrawal from a sex addiction (which can also apply to a non-physical sex addiction – think emotional sex), has the same withdrawal symptoms as cocainel!!! There are some heavy neurobioligical factors coming into play here. On some level his activities were a form of self-medication, which is now gone and it’s time to face the music.

      If he still is unwilling to discuss anything, you have two choices. Find a way to make your peace with it, work on your own issues fueling your reactions, and become a stronger person – OR – work on your own issues fueling your reactions, become a stronger person, and move on with your life. Couples that are able to successfully work though this usually have a more intimate, deeper relationship than ever before.

      In the mean time, be gentle with yourself and be sure to do nurturing things i.e. take a bubble bath, take a walk, get a manicure, etc. Keep your eye on the goal and healing and you WILL get there, Unfortunately a VERY long process of healing, with an average of 2-4 years, so it will require a TREMENDOUS amount of patience. Be well.

    • rachel

      H informed my boys that he is moving out and moving into a house, yes a house on the water. He also informed me that my alimony won’t be what I thought it would be because he now has a rent to pay and I am going to have to get another job to make ends meet just like everyone else. He is so evil and cruel.
      He is thrilled with his new life. He now has a place where he can entertain his whores. Yet, he is still bitching and moaning that I won’t sign the refinance papers so the mortgage payment will be lower. I said move into your parents where you can live for free.He owns there house free and clear. Trust me I can’t wait until he leaves.
      Does anyone know if I can change the locks when he leaves?
      He should not be able to come and go in my house now that he has his own. Would love so answers, thank you.

      • Natalia

        Rachel, it’s best if you consult with an attorney. As long as he owns the house, that is, his name is on the mortgage/deed, he has the right to come into the house. An attorney will be able to find a way for you to limit him from entering whenever he feels like it. Don’t change the locks until you have legal rights to do so. Good luck.

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