Controlling your thoughts after an emotional affair (or physical affair) is a difficult task to accomplish and has been an immense struggle for me from day one. I tend to think a lot to begin with, so to say it’s been tough for me is an understatement. I wanted to give you an idea of how this can be done by way of an example.
Last weekend Doug had planned a wonderful getaway for the both of us. It has been something I’ve wanted to do since D-day, but for a variety of reasons, it just didn’t materialize. I had many assumptions as to why we haven’t gone away to a hotel for a weekend after the affair, which I had verbalized to Doug on several occasions. Most of these assumptions were shot down by Doug and replaced with legitimate excuses.
Without going into too much detail, I have long believed that going away with me for a weekend -specifically to a hotel – was something he couldn’t do after the affair with Tanya. I believed this because I had carried suspicions that he had gone away with Tanya at some point.
I was so excited and thankful that Doug had taken the initiative to arrange everything, but as the day approached, I became very nervous. I worried that our weekend would not be everything that I believed he had with Tanya. I was so sick to my stomach that at one point I thought about backing out.
It is amazing how much our mind and illusions can take over and ruin something that is so good. So I used the technique I learned in the book “Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life.” That is, to question if my thoughts were real. So I asked myself if what I was thinking was true. Do I know for a fact that he spent the night with her? The answer was NO.
Then I asked myself: “Where would I be if I didn’t have that thought?” I came to the conclusion that I would be able to spend a wonderful weekend with my husband without worrying that I wasn’t exciting enough, and without the pressure of having to make it some sort of super-magical event. I could just be me and we could have a good time.
I was pretty proud of myself because for the most part I did let those thoughts go, and we did have a wonderful time. I felt like for 24 hours it was just me and Doug in our own little world, removed from everyday stress and focusing on just being together.
I guess it was almost like being in an affair but on a much deeper level. I felt that this was another step closer to strengthening the bond of our relationship after the affair.
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