Happy Wednesday!

Our discussion this week was suggested by one of our readers, and we thought it was very appropriate as we head towards the new year.

Here is the suggestion from “Maryanna1962” for this week’s topic: “Now that 2010 is drawing to a close, I’m wondering if it would be possible for all of us who use your site to give our synopsis on how we have dealt with our feelings since D-Day?”

And we would add…How do you manage the feelings of pain and the sense of betrayal felt after the affair?

Please respond to each other in the comment section.

If any of you have suggestions for future discussion topics, please shoot us an email.

Have a great day!

Doug & Linda

See also  Open Discussion: Your Self-Esteem After the Affair

    37 replies to "Discussion: How Have You Dealt With Your Feelings?"

    • melissa

      ‘Backing off’ has been the order of the day recently but it’s meant I feel very detached and sometimes quite cold towards my H, almost like I’m not really there with him anymore. I think it’s a protection mechanism against not being hurt again.

      I find it v hard to deal with not trusting him but sometimes I know I am paranoid. How do I deal with these feelings? Difficult. Yoga and swimming have helped a lot, and work too. Most of all a couple of good friends who know me and listen but are not afraid to tell me if I’m going too far have been invaluable. But the sense of betrayal and the pain are still there, just a bit more muted than before and I am still very insecure, not knowing whether my H is really trying to make things up or if he’s just pretending.

    • michael

      From d-day, I would have to say that objectively looking at things has help the most. Not just me but one of my best assets, my best friend. And the counseling he has gone through.

      I fount it very helpful to just spew (yes spew) my feelings out here and to him. Then look at what I have said in different ways.
      I don’t trust her.- Ok why not, what do you need to get there? Are you going to get that?
      She doesn’t love me.- Why do you think that? Why don’t you think that today? What’s different?
      She loves him still. – Maybe, but then again why do you think that? What will change your mind? Is it required that she doesn’t to move forward together?
      She’s not working on us.- Maybe she isn’t in the way you need but is she in the way she needs to?

      Granted I have changed answers to these questions over and over again. I will continue to change these answers as time goes on.

      Each time I have called my best friend or sat at lunch with him, telling him I WAS DONE. He asked and continues to ask “are you?” and “well, what’s next then?”

      The strongest feeling that overrides all the rest is “I love my wife.”

      Can I still love my wife knowing she slept with him- I will never know for sure that she didn’t and I’m still here so I guess I can.
      Can I get over this – its easier and easier every day.
      Can I live with It if we never get any better than we are today. I did for years, it was her that couldn’t. SO, thats for her to say.

      • melissa

        Your questions are spot on and I will ask myself the same, thank you.

    • maryanna1962

      The only way I can best describe the last 10 months is like a roller coaster ride, theres been lots of highs and lows and the funny thing is that the lows seem to come about when it feels like me and my H are one and the same person and then BANG I think why did you do it ? I’ve asked him that same question over and over again and he can’t explain, says its like he was another person, he was ! said he left his guard down he did ! I know he has said as have many others on this site that if they knew the devestation and the hurt that would follow the EA or whatever else we want to call it for the betrayed that they would never have gone there but you know, I don’t really believe that, I think its like the “far away hills are always greener” syndrome. I do trust him and I’m almost certain, well as certain that I can be that something like that will never again happen. My work really has been my saviour these past months. I have lots of good friends but one special friend who I told my story to, she has been very supportive but she has small kids so its not always easy for her to find “spare” time to fit me in. I also found that as time went on, I seemed to have more questions, now I know the less details I hear the better cos I’m an analyser but I feel we’re much more connected now and I speak my mind regardless of the consequences. Our kids don’t know anything about the affair cos I know if they did, they would never have the same respect for him again and he doesn’t deserve that. He just went off the track, I think I’m going slightly off on a tangent here now and not keeping to today’s header ! I’m feeling very positive these past few days and I hope to God that it continues. Its actually easier to be positive these days !

    • Norwegian woman

      It has been a rollercoaster. Actually I have had 2 D-days. Last christmas i discovered that my H had an EA with another woman. He was really thinking about leaving me for her, after just two months. This autumns D-day was about a PA he had last year. My experience is that after the first D-day, I was determined to get our marriage on it`s feet again, and I was really doing the work. After d-day 2 I have a really hard time trusting my H. I have been almost paranoid, and the thought of leaving him has come to my mind ceveral times. At this moment, I do not know if I will be here after New years eve…. He says he understands what he has done to me and will never do it again, but I really don`t believe him anymore. It is hard to cope with one affair. To cope with two may be the drop that makes the waterglass flow over… I am in a limbo.

    • Maribel

      How to deal with hurtful feelings…when it’s the cheater dealing with them. I have been thru hell trying to live with my ex after my affair was discovered. I feel that I know I probably deserve what I’m going through but how long must it go on..I don’t know. I try to be as civil as possible but I know he is hurt and therefore he tries to hurt me even more. He says really awful things to me and I just cry and cry. I don’t know what to do..as I know the best thing to do is for me to move out but I don’t want to take my girls out of the home???

    • Kelly

      I don’t know if I’ve dealt with my feelings as well as I thought I would. I was surprised that I would still be struggling through this after all this time. I’m a strong person, I’ve made it through some really tough times. I have always been able to keep it together when things get tough. I don’t fall apart and I was never a crier. But this emotional affair knocked me off my feet. I fell apart, I cried gallons of tears. It’s been one year and seven months since D- Day and my emotions are still all over the place. I can go from happy and confident to hurt or angry in the blink of an eye. I can say that as time goes by, those wild swings are getting further and further apart, but there are still times that I get into a funk and really have to struggle to get through. Sometimes I think I allow it to happen just because I have become accustomed to the pain. I do have to keep reminding myself that we are on the right path, that many things about our relationship are better than they were before, that I will come out of this better and stronger than ever.

      • Doug

        Kelly, I could have written this comment myself, I have always been strong, confident, so together and this has thrown me for a loop. There are times when I really don’t know how to handle to pain. I often tell Doug that this was something that I ever anticipated or prepared myself for so I don’t know to deal with it. I also can go from happy and confident to a total nut case. (which usually occurs every 28 days) I totally understand the funk, it feels like you know you should be happy right now but there is something in the back of your mind that gets in the way from fully feeling it. Linda

    • maryanna1962

      Linda & Kelly I can fully relate to what you are saying, when I’m in one of my less positive moments my imagination starts to run wild and I mean really wild and then I sink deeper and deeper into yet another dark hole and it could take me half a day or a full day to come around to my rational self again and of course I will have yet another (same) questions for my H, one he would have answered at least twice already for me in previous “rants”. When I’m back to my “normal” state, I think to myself, its me that I’m really hurting trawling through the seaweed again, its not like I can change the past, what happened, happened, it shouldn’t have happened but it did, so I’m trying to teach myself to stay positive and think of all the good times we’ve had in the past, what we have now in the present and whats ahead for us in the future. We have come along way but everytime I rant, I feel its undoing the progress. Do you both feel the same way when you rant ?

      • Doug

        maryanna1962, when I get in one of these moods I go back to day one. I can’t believe the things that come out of my mouth. I tell him how much he loved her, how I want him to be happy and be with her. All the information I know about their relationship and affairs totally leave my mind. I loose all confidence and then I start asking comparative questions. I ask him to make assumptions about how their relationship would have been if he choose to be with her and when he can’t answer the question or doesn’t give me the answer I need to feel secure I sink deeper into my hole. It is a backward spiral, then I feel exhausted, sad and it takes a day or two to get back to my old self. I don’t know why it happens, what triggers it, but it really stinks. Maybe we should come up with some things we can do to stop us from sinking into this deep hole. Or if anyone has any suggestions of what has worked for them we would really appreciate any input. Linda

    • stupidandtrusting

      maryanna – I am relieved to hear that it is not just me. I ranted a day or so ago because of a trigger and am just emerging from it. Its not unpleasant but it is just that I create a distance, I assume because I become fearful. Ugh what a mess. I sure hope this goes away someday.

      • ruth

        I could of wrote all of your comments maryanna, kelly and linda. I try so hard to be strong but somedays its just not possible. I am counting on time as long as it takes. Thank you all, somedays I come here and I dont feel alone with my feelings anymore.

    • Kelly

      My boyfriend used to think that our situation was hopeless when I would “backslide”. I know it has to be frustrating for him as well when I am brimming with love and enthusiasm one day and at the brink of despair the next over something that seems trivial to him. I tend to stew in silence thinking that these thoughts and feelings will pass on their own (which rarely happens) until I erupt, which makes effective communication nearly impossible. We are learning through time to talk about it before it gets out of hand. I am learning that he can’t read my mind and respond in a way that will help me if I don’t tell him. It’s hard to think that we are making progress when we take so many steps backwards, but we both learn something along the way, so when I look at the big picture, the set backs we go through are a vital part of our recovery.

    • AlmostOutofIt

      I think one thing to constantly remind yourself of is that Doug (or any other cheating spouse) is not in love with the OW/OM as much as they are the fantasy. Sure, they might have said they loved the other person, but we all know that it was the fantasy they were in love with as much as the OP. Like that other post’s discussion, you’re not competing with the OP as much as you are the fantasy. Once Doug (and I’m using Doug as the example here, should apply to other cases as well) “woke up”, he realized the fantasy.

      And once that happened, he began to see the real Tanya. If he did end up with her, their relationship would not have been good and I’m sure would have ended badly.

      I would say to try to remember that each time you begin to sink into the deep hole. Your spouse wasn’t in love with the OP – they were in love with a life of fun with no responsibilities.

      • Doug

        almostoutofit, thanks for your comment, I know that our husbands can tell us this a thousand times but we tend to listen when it comes from someone else. We often believe they are telling us this because they don’t like to see us upset, or they don’t want to talk about it again, so it really helps when we can hear it from someone who has been through a similar situation
        I do have a question for you, I know you talked and fantasized what it would be like if you were together. I am sure everything you said was wonderful. However when I ask Doug stupid questions like how she would have handled how close he was to his children, how she would have handled certain situations he says he has no clue. Do you really know that little about the real personality of the affair partner, were you living such a fantasy world that you never considered these kinds of things or did you think that everything would be perfect? As a spouse I would think those things would enter your mind, however I am thinking with logic I guess during an affair you are thinking with something else. Linda

        • AlmostOutofIt

          LOL – well, yes, I think I was thinking with something else to a great extent. But I did think of those things. I’m a pretty analytical person, so even through the “fog” I was thinking of how things would work. I thought about the kids – she has older ones. I thought she would handle the kids fine, she seemed like a good mother and always asked how they were doing. She even made a comment that “she’d be starting over” because my kids are young. (6&9)

          In fact, while she was the one who really backed off, she’s the one that got closer faster than I did. In fact, we were talking about the future one day and I asked if she had thought about how it would/could work. (She’s in a different city remember). Before I even got all that out, she said she’d move. We actually got pretty far in terms of thinking through how it might work. She’s wait until her youngest finished HS this year, etc, etc. We talked about what would happen until then – we’d see each other each weekend, etc.

          Part of the problem I ended up seeing was that while we were together, we’d talk about the future, how it would look and feel, etc. And she would be really into it – but when we spoke via phone/text, she wasn’t as into that. I started to find that troubling. Before it really ended, I came to conclusion she wasn’t going to leave her relationship. But I accepted that and would have continued without those thoughts – just that we had fun together and we were fulfilling both physical and emotional needs for each other. But I digress…

          We even talked about the fact that we really didn’t know each other that way. Even during the affair I knew much of our relationship was a fantasy. We’d meet for drinks in an expensive restaurant. Have an amazing dinner. Go up to a fancy hotel room. Of course that wasn’t life. But I thought that everything was so amazing, that much of that would translate to real life. And I thought it was so amazing it was worth it to make that attempt. LOL – as I write that, I realize how “un-analytical” that sounds….

          • Doug

            almostoutofit, wow you really got into the details of everything, I guess that was very easy to do when you weren’t actually doing it. I imagine that when you really had to follow through on all the changes it might have been more difficult. It appears that when she was in the moment she was ready to leave her life and be with you, but when she was at home around her family the reality of the situation took over. It is amazing how serious everything can get in such a short time, seeing that you really know this person in one type of situation. Did you wonder how well you really knew her? I know that some betrayed spouses say they knew the OP better than they knew themselves, but I wonder did you really know her or you saw her as the person you wanted her to be. Linda

            • AlmostOutofIt

              Yeah, it was easy to talk about and fantasize about. I’m sure most of us has fantasized at some point about how great it would to start over (yes, I know most of us don’t act on it). I think I made that same comment – when push came to shove, I don’t know if I could have done it. It
              easy to talk about it. I believed I thought things were bad enough at home that it actually made sense. And I think you are dead-on with what she was thinking.

              I remember thinking early on that I couldn’t believe how quickly everything got so serious. We really didn’t spend much time together, although we talked and texted a lot, especially texted. I had to change my rate plan to unlimited texts… Someone else made this comment about how the chat format seems to remove inhibitions and allow more intimacy quicker. Couldn’t agree more…

              I can’t say I know the OW better than I know myself, although I think I do know her pretty well. Once the fog started to clear, I started remembering and seeing things about her that I knew, but shrugged off. Now I was recognizing them more as things I really didn’t like. I really think the physical part of my A made it seem closer than it was and made it look past certain things. But like I’ve said, by the time she effectively broke it off, I had already moved on from believing we were “meant to be together”. Otherwise I would have pushed her more for us to be together – I sorta let it go. Not that I didn’t miss her and go through withdrawal… but by then I had recognized we weren’t going to be together.

            • Doug

              almostoutofit, Your input has been valuable to the betrayed spouse. I feel I have learned so much from you in the last several weeks . It is not that Doug has not communicated to me about his affair, but I know how difficult it is to express his feelings to me when he knows how much his words hurt me. I imagine it is easier for you to convey your feelings because it is nonthreatening and you do not have to deal with the pain and anger.

              It is very similar to the situation during an affair. It is very easy to complain about your spouse and marriage because there are no repercussions. I asked Doug the other day if he felt needed during the affair, if he enjoyed solving her problems concerning her husband and marriage. He said yes, and I asked why he stopped wanting to help me with my issues and he said because they were always about him. It is funny how he looked at her problems in a different light, he told me she was always positive while I was negative. I am sure he would have felt that she wasn’t so positive if her problems were about him. Linda

            • AlmostOutofIt

              Thanks Linda – I appreciate the kind words. Yes, it is much easier to convey my feelings here because I don’t have to worry about how much it hurts. I can’t imagine how hard it would to tell my W the depth of our discussions like I expressed in the earlier post. This site has helped me so much, I’m glad I’ve been able to help others too.

              I was reading that Real Love in a Marriage book – I imagine as well that Doug was getting a lot of imitation love from Tanya so in return he was willing to help with her problems. Plus, in a marriage, it seems like its the same old problems over and over. So of course that would come across as being negative. Tanya’s problems were new and exciting. And none of them were about the fact that he forgot to take the garbage out the night before.

              I did want to add one thing about my situation that also probably made it easier to get to the point my A did. Before the A started, my wife and I would fight alot and our sex life was pretty non-existent. After the A started, things didn’t get any better (well duh, of course they wouldn’t) and got a little worse. It got to the point where we were talking on a Sunday and came this close to agreeing to get a divorce. Thankfully, that discussion happened before I was that close with the OW otherwise I probably would have just said ok to the divorce. Only later did me and the OW get to the “being together” part. I’m not bringing it up to justify my actions in any way, just mentioning it because I think it had a lot to do with how and why it got so serious so fast.

          • Alaynna

            Thank you so much for the insight. I couldn’t understand how my husband of 18 years could be saying the things he was saying to someone after 3 weeks. “I love you”, ” my life will truly begin when I am able to be with you” ” I and longing for your touch” UGH!! He has never said anything like that to me. They had sex once, but she had the knowledge of everything he told her he was missing and she gave it all to him. Morphine shot. He commited to a no contact agreement with me and broke it the next day and all week until I caught him and told him to leave. I think I believe that it was impossible for him to adhere to this instant commitment but he made it anyway. I think he should have said he couldn’t instead of compounding the situation with more lies. Now he has commited again and I just don’t see how I can go one feeling like second choice. I think he stayed for my two girls that confronted him. I am at day three……

      • ruth

        almostoutof it I want to thank you!! You really have been a big help to me when I read what you wrote. I have to keep telling myself that he really wasn’t in love with her. My husband was in a PA affair with her for almost 2 yrs. Thats what bother me is the lenght of it and how can he be over it in just a few months or is he not telling me what he is thinking. I cant ask he wont talk about it after 1 yr since d-day he just keeps says he made a mistake, its in the past and he cant change the past. But I do thank you for all of your comments.

        • AlmostOutofIt

          Glad I could help Ruth – I can add this. In a sense I would be more worried (if I were in your shoes) if it was a 2 year EA only. Maybe this is just me, but the physical part adds a whole other layer. Guys are different in that they can seek out and have sex with a woman without needing to feel loved or attached. If it were all emotional, there had to be some strong ties there to keep the affair going. If it were physical, a great deal of it was probably just sex. Sorry to be blunt, I’m sure you don’t want to be thinking of that. But my point is that I think a guy could get over a PA much more quickly than a woman could (or thinks possible). It wouldn’t surprise me at all that he is really telling the truth and he’s over it quickly.

      • Holdingon

        It’s way worse when it’s not a fantasy, but with the first person they were with, and they told each other they never stopped loving each other after 23 years. My wife was sending her first lover naked pictures one day before our 23 anniversary and a few days after. Talk about thinking about being 2nd, it’s harder when you know you are.

    • AlmostOutofIt

      You know what else Linda, you should re-read some of your comments as a betrayed spouse who came to this site for the first time. I think you’ve probably answered your own question before or at least know the answer. You’ve given me some amazing feedback – it’s just so much easier to express it than it is to live it. You can “know” the answers and communicate them effectively to others on this site, but I know it’s hard to listen to your own advice.

    • maryanna1962

      Linda my H told me a few weeks ago that words could not describe his love for me and I spat back “pity you didn’t think about that 2 years ago “. I know my comment hurt him and I have to admit I was sorry for saying it but it just came out. I know he’s doing his best but when I’m in a rant, I’m in a rant. I know everyone on this wonderful site wants our rants to go away and stay away. My H tells me that I let it (affair) consume me, I know he’s right but I can’t help myself. I first visited this site maybe 9 months ago and then stopped cos I was going through a phase but the past few days I feel stronger, it definitely helps to put our thoughts ^ feelings in writing and I sure hope my strength continues. To be betrayed by your spouse is almost as bad as a death in the family. I told my H that I am going to sit down and write him a long letter setting out my emotions since Feb and I want him to do the same. Good Luck

    • D

      Exercise, introspection, reading, determination, honesty, humility, forgiveness, understanding, and tons of research.

      January will be a year since DDAy. I’m going to give both me and my wife a gift this Christmas: I’m done with the affair. That’s not to say I will ever fully trust her again or that I will ever allow myself to be vulnerable to that kind of pain, but I will let go of these negative emotions. I will also let go of her and our marriage and will allow whatever will happen to happen. I will say to her that being in a marriage is more than safety and security, it is more than settling, it is a choice to love and honor one another. If she can’t make that choice, then I have no interest in that kind of relationship.

      I’ve learned that I can’t make anyone happier or feel more loved or more secure with themselves. We are responsible for all of that ourselves. But I can live my own life, make my own choices, choose to love unconditionally because I want to offer that love. But I won’t attach myself to a predetermined outcome. And if it turns out that I’m not ok with our relationship, then it will be my decision to move on. This mindset has set me free. It has helped our relationship. It has helped me to move forward, to forgive, to worry much less, and to find peace within my own heart and head.

      She is going to do whatever she’s going to do. I have no control over her thoughts and actions, so why worry or dwell on the past or future.

      She has let go of the AP. She is taking responsibility. She is doing everything right and tells me she wants to be in the marriage. I’ll have to allow her that.

    • tryingtoowife

      I think that what we have to remind everyone here is that we have these downs, when our raw nerve, of the knowledge of our partner’s affair is touched by the memories of things that we had no input at all. It was not our choices. We, in most of cases were not given a chance to put things right if possible and avoid all this pain.
      We had the rug pulled from under us without a chance, and we are all trying to find a balance of feelings for us, for our sanity, and understanding of our partners actions, and we struggle because it makes no sense in any way. Sometimes there is no amount of good will that can keep the trying up, or keep you in that ‘feel good place’ were you think that you found a bit of life again. When you are happy, you truly believe that you managed to get to that place we have been waiting for. A quiet and peaceful mind, you let your guard down, then; slowly the thoughts crippling in, about someone that you loved so much, and blindly trusted, doing those things you are trying to fight off in your mind, but you can not always win. All those things that were sacred in your marriage destroyed; breaking your wedding vowels, giving to someone else the most treasured feelings of intimacy once you HAD together, making it completely meaningless, spoiled, mundane. Giving the precious little time you could have had together to someone else. Ignoring all the things that once they helped to build together and just turning their back to it in the name of their selfish pleasure, and not even noticing the destruction that is taking place, but only waking up from the fog, when it is all shattered at your feet. In my case the betrayer is as broken as I am, and is still here, helping me to gather the pieces together. I am struggling now, but fighting to get back to the top. Is anyone still surprised why it takes an infinite amount of patience and strength to get through these things? Time is all that we all have and we have to take it to a good use. In 2011, I want to write here that I am happy! That I finally got my bit of a peaceful heaven. That finally I got there! I am a much stronger person now, and I have invested on myself more in a few months than I dared to in the last few years. I now know myself and I know that I am responsible for my own happiness, and I know I can be happy again. I just have to find the strength today to give that push to the top and fill my lungs with fresh air, life!

      • Doug

        tryingtoowife, words cannot express how touching your comment was and how well you were able to express how I feel. We all hope that 2011 will be a time when we finally feel at peace with ourselves and our marriage. I am sure that if we continue to help each other with our struggles that next year will definitely be better than the last. Linda

    • melissa

      Absolutely agree with Linda. Thanks to everyone for their comments and insight. Here’s to a better and happier 2011.

    • ingoodtimesandbad

      I’ve recently have found your blog and am trying to get caught up with all this good information. I hope it is not too late for my marriage. It’s been a year since d-day. My second d-day in 21 years of marriage and three great kids. I never believed he could hurt me again like this but he did. I truly believe that we never really healed from the first affair and I made him feel unloved and respected. (not that I’m excusing his choices!) I too played a part in our lack of communication. I played nice the first time around but the kids were younger then. I did things differently this time, only because I could see he was in such a fog. He wouldn’t admit it to me for the longest time because after the first affair I had made a comment that I thought maybe I wish I never knew. I confronted him with him distancing himself at home, being angry at me all the time and picking fights with me. It all makes so much sense now!! He wanted to justify that our marriage was over so it was okay to get his needs met elsewhere. Both times it has been a co worker. The first affair he was eager to make things right. This time since I caught him in the lies and had evidence because I snooped. He claims he doesn’t trust me anymore and there is no discussing us anymore. I finally found out when I called her at work and asked if she had seen my husband after he was supposed to be at work one weekend. She told me he was with her. I asked for how long and she quickly clammed up and said I should talk with him. She believed that he was divorced. He doesn’t wear his wedding band. States that he can’t at work because it bothers him. Never did before. Just makes it easily for people not to know his home life. I let him handle ending the first affair but he had no intensions of ending this one after I found out. She was to be moving in a couple of years so he thought I would just let him continue until it ended on its own without her ever finding out the lies he told her. I confronted her not to hurt her but to let her know he wasn’t telling her the truth. He told me things about her and I used that information when she refused to listen to me. She wanted to believe I was the crazy ex wife but we were never even separated. I did talk with her minister and sister. She was lying to them about who she was with. Iknow she had to know that he wasn’t telling her the truth but she didn’t care because he was there for her everyday at work and everyother weekend. She got free meals, gifts, and sex and didn’t have to deal with laundry, bills, and kids. She had her minister tell me it was over after July 4th but yet they still work together. He changed all passwords and I have no way of knowing if they still talk on the phone. I do know he isn’t spending the night with her anymore because I refused to let him live at home and continue that behavior. It was killing me on the inside. I’m strong but not that strong. He now has to deal with the guilt of seeing her and me everyday and is choosing to move, he claims, this January on a job transfer. So what?? He can start his life over??? I know I just need to let him go but find it hard to understand how he could. He had moved out of our house for a month over summer after I asked him to choose her or me. He wasn’t ready to end it with her so he chose to move out. I didn’t kick him out but he blames me on wanting him to make a decision he wasn’t ready to make. If I just would have left things alone, it would have ended eventually. I wasn’t willing to share him. My kids were suffering from his rants. He would come home after being with her and complain how messy our house was. She has no kids and a small house. I can’t compete and won’t. I like our house. I was happy in our relationship. I thought he was depressed about work stress and just taking it out on me. I was hoping just hanging in there that we would get through this. I expected him to come begging me back and apologize for all the hurt he has done to me and all he can say is that I don’t realize how many people I had hurt by my actions. Like I said, he is back home and I see changes in him. I see him getting reconnected with the kids. I don’t let him pick fights with me anymore. I change the subject or let him rant. He used to not let me even touch him but we still have a physical relationship. Granted, he still doesn’t want to kiss me but he does snuggle with me at night. I do believe he may be manic depressive which makes this even harder. His emotions can be all over the place some days. It’s hard to tell if it’s because the rollercoaster ride we are on or something else. He refuses to get help. So I guess I’ll find out in two weeks if he really is going to move away from me and our kids. I really don’t want to talk about her with him anymore. I want to talk about us and work on how we communicate with each other. The only one I can change is me so that’s what I’m trying to do. I still have my moments and triggers but I try to keep them to myself. It amazing to me that the cheaters think that their case is special. Their spouse wasn’t giving what they needed so it was okay. I have dropped discussing it mainly because he refuses and it was getting me no where with him. Do I just be thankful he is still here?? Where do I go from here if he just stays?? We have to have some kind of resollution don’t we?? I don’t want to make demands but I also don’t want to live like this forever. Is this just the process of him coming out of the fog??? One year down and another to go??? I still love him and want to make our marriage better than it was ever before. We let work and kids take precedence over our marriage. Hind sight is twenty-twenty. I’m having a hard time of what to say when he talks about moving. I have said that it’s his choice. I don’t want him to go but I can’t make him stay.

    • Nona Mills

      Absolutely agree with Linda. Thanks to everyone for their comments and insight. Here’s to a better and happier 2011.

    • Lizavette Biblio

      I don’t like marriage. It is a hotpot of insecurity, expectation, convenience, and roleplay. And to bring God into it is just plain bizarre. Love, on the other hand is the truth that exists beyond everything. Why people try to play “loves exicutioner” is beyond me. If you have found love so rare then it is cruel not to explore it. And if something is dead and gone, then let it go. If it was meant to come back to life, it will. However, you can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. And when I say drink, I mean something that is beyond just quenching a physical thirst. When God is there with you, you don’t have to will anything. It is evil to transfer the the love the cheater feels for the O.P. into loving his wife and using this to improve their sex life etc. Sometimes the human race is fixed, to the point of destruction. I loved him.

    • Lizavette Biblio

      Hey, and by the way, my love IS real. It’s not some fictitious fairy tail – that he is the prince and I am the princess and that life would be “just so”. Give it up. I really love him and I need him in my life. It’s all about your fairy-tail not being real. I want him. I don’t hate you. And what about my pain?! Increadible.

    • Lizavette Biblio

      And about the children….The more you try to pretend things are OK the more you hurt the children. They will know what the truth is and feel betrayed. Work on the truth and your selves as people. Things change. Give the children credit for having a brain in the real world.

    • Healing Mark

      Lizavett Biblio. If your posts are true, then I believe that you are missing the point. If you are married and the love for your spouse has disappeared and you are in love with someone else, or if you still love your spouse but have fallen in love with another person, fine. Just don’t pursue a relationship with the person you are not married to without the blessing of your spouse. That is, unless you have a prior agreement with your spouse that you are free to pursue relationships with other people without your spouse’s prior knowledge or blessing. However, if your marital boundaries are what most spouses consider them to be, which, of course, is that you will be faithful to your spouse and not have affairs with other people, then do not cheat and damage your marriage, your partner, your family and your friends (at least those with morals). Have the guts and the respect for your partner to be honest about things and what you want, and that might mean ending your relationship with your partner and then pursuing this love you have for the other person. It’s the wanting to have your cake and eat it too attitude, and the attendant lies and deception and disrespect, that makes affairs so damaging, even if the other party is not actually aware that they are going on.

      • Lizavette Biblio

        Healing Mark, thank you for trying to consider what I have said. I have missed the point and in your case. In my case you have missed the point. I have never been married and I think it is a whole lot of archaic bullshit.

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