end the affairOne of the toughest obstacles that couples face after infidelity is when the cheating spouse refuses (for whatever reason) to end the affair. Naturally this has to happen for there to be any chance at saving the marriage and recovering from the affair.

Statistics from Google on search terms verify that several thousand searches are performed each day that are related to this tough issue.  It’s obviously a very big problem.

But how can you get the cheating spouse to stop the affair? Experts vary in their opinions on this. Some say that you cannot get them to stop, while others say that you can by giving ultimatums, separating, or even filing for divorce (but not necessarily going through with it).

What we’d like to do this week is gather as much advice, success stories or suggestions as possible to help those readers who might be experiencing this painful problem.

This subject has been discussed quite often in the comments and on a few of our posts, but we wanted to bring it even more to the forefront for those who may have missed this information previously.

With this in mind, here are some questions to consider:

What was the turning point in your own affair experience that caused your spouse (or you) to end the affair?

As the betrayed spouse, do you feel there anything that you can do to help this process along?

What advice would you give to the those whose spouse won’t end the affair?

Let’s try to get as many ideas as possible to help others!

As always, please respond to each other in the comments.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

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LINESPACE 

    95 replies to "Discussion – How Can You Get the Cheater to End the Affair – or Can You?"

    • tsd

      I think you can get them INTO THE LIGHT…I told my husband, send her an email, end it now and show me…I told him, you can have me but not OW too…I lied, and said I had a lawyer and divorce papers are drawn because he had two EAs, I gave him consequences for his actions and he knew if he cheated again with me, he was gone, and I would announce to the world of his actions, I explained to him, I was now doing things for me, that he had to get his act together, that I would be fine without him…BUT as I told him all of this, I said it calmly, confidently and with conviction. No yelling, no crying nothing…i showed him I was ok with him and I would be ok without him. It was up to him to want the marriage, work thru his issues of cheating, and show me our marriage was worth making a change. I recognized any positive he did…I was grateful for the small gifts of change he gave. I taught him how we could better communicate. I allowed him to find his moment of clarity because I had reached it when he cheated…he is remorseful for his actions but has to change for himself in order for our marriage to succeed. He is changing slowly, and I will allow him his own timetable. I would prefer things to change faster, but slower seems to be working more effectively. So slower is our game plan…

      My advice to those just coming to this site, take it slow, let past go, and work on you…don’t expect miracles to come fast, and don’t look for your list of changes to be made…your spouse has to change just for himself…..confidence and patience are the keys to recovery. you just can’t force them into morphing into that butterfly with the colors placed where you want them…wait it out, it’s worth seeing what comes out of the cocoon.

    • livingonafence

      My H had already ended the EA for the most part when I discovered it. He hadn’t called her in 4 months, and the texts were very few and very far between. When I discovered it, he of course sent her a message saying i was crazy (how nice) and that I was vindictive (even nicer) and the usual crap. She responded, he responded, and so on. When did that stop?

      When I threw his sorry ass out of the house. He packed his things, angry at first, but by the time he was done he was sad. I wasn’t – I was ready to be rid of this cancer in my life. The whole thing, from discovery to throwing him out, took about a week, but in that week he acted like he’d done no wrong, it wasn’t a big deal, etc. Yeah, ok. Get out then.

      Can you help this process along? YES YES YES
      You help it along by removing yourself from it. Cheaters are selfish. You let them keep you around AND have their affair partner, and they will. Sadly, you think you’re doing what you can to work things out, and the cheater thinks you’re a sap for tolerating it, but hey, if you are then they’ll play along. As their respect for you dimiinishes, it grows for the AP. In my opinion, you’re hurting things by sticking around rather than helping them. You’re showing you have no self respect and are a doormat. Now ask yourself – would YOU want someone with no self respect that’s a doormat? No, and your spouse doesn’t either. So you’re weak and needy, and AP is strong, funny, entertaining, all of the things you aren’t. So keep staying and keep losing ground. OR THROW HIM/HER OUT. Just like that, show the CS that you’re worth a LOT more than they’re giving, and that you aren’t playing their sick game. They want a boyfriend/girlfriend? Great – have fun, but not at my expense.

      It’s amazing how many see the light when the option to have both is taken away. If you stay, you’re an option. If you leave, you’re a choice. MAKE THEM CHOOSE YOU. Make them feel what they’re losing. Make them see that they are NOT going to have their cake and eat it too. Prove you’re better than both of them because while they’re fine being liars and accepting less than all in a relationship, you aren’t.

      I’ve yet to see a spouse that, when faced with having to make that choice, doesn’t choose the spouse. I’m sure it’s happened, but I’ve yet to see it, and that’s in over 2 years of reading websites, giving advice, etc.

      So you help it end by ending it for you. Easy.

      What if they don’t choose you? Scary right? Not as scary as years spent battling the other person for top billing. Not as scary as losing your dignity and self respect. Not as scary as being seen as pathetic by your spouse, right? It shouldn’t be. So if they don’t choose you now, then they were already gone, and all you did was save yourself months or years of misery before it finally ends, with you still without your spouse. Of course, the AP may end it, and your spouse stays, but is that what you want? A spouse that is with you because the other person didn’t want them?

      What advice would I give? I just gave it. Don’t be an option. Don’t accept what is happening and think you can ‘love’ your way back into their heart. Don’t accept less than center stage, all the time.

    • chiffchaff

      Wow. I can’t add anything else ontop of what LOAF says.
      My H didn’t stop treating me as an option until I told him to leave when I was at the end of my tether of him still fantasizing about leaving.
      It is hard to do it like that and yes, quite scary. My H said if I’d done that on the first DDay he would’ve left. which is easy to say in hindsight but I bet the practicalities of trying to get a new life together with the OW in his circumstances would’ve worked out slightly differently… I think he would’ve tried and then had a nervous breakdown.
      I didn’t have the backbone to do that at the time. coulda woulda shoulda…

    • Recovering

      What was the turning point in your own affair experience that caused your spouse (or you) to end the affair?

      The only thing that caused my husband to end his affair was me finding out about it. And then right away he wasn’t even sure he was going to end it. I asked him almost immediately (after the how long has it been going on question) if he was going to stop seeing her, and he said he didn’t know. To this day that haunts me. He says he ended it the following morning (I woke him up at 1 am with the PROOF – texts on his phone), and he told her it was over, he says, when she called him on his drive to work the next day. I told him he had to decide what he wanted to do. I couldn’t obviously make him do anything, or he would’ve been faithful and never cheated in the first place. I hadn’t decided what I was doing at that point either. At least he dumped it right away after confirmation. I would’ve felt much better had I found out and he had dumped her WAY long before… would’ve made it seem more like his own decision instead of a reaction to the world crumbling…

      As the betrayed spouse, do you feel there anything that you can do to help this process along?

      There was nothing I could do to help his decision to dump the whore. He was already doing something he knew was a deal-breaker, and had given me the “I love you but am not in love with you” speech and said he wasn’t sure he’d end it… blah blah… I didn’t feel that he had the right for me to worry about what HE wanted anymore after I found out. Of course I love him and wanted him to be happy… and I KNEW it wouldn’t be with her, but I wasn’t so sure I still wanted him either. He did have to see how it affected me and hear how it would affect our family if the kids or other people found out. I don’t really know what made him pull his head out of his butt because he was still saying dumb crap 6 months AFTER he dumped the whore. I actually just asked him what it was that made him realize how dumb he was last night, though I didn’t get an answer. I figure he was dumb for 2 years, what DIDNT he realize during THAT time that was any different after I knew about the cheating? Idunno…

      What advice would you give to the those whose spouse won’t end the affair?

      Honestly, I would tell these people to leave, or better yet, kick that spouse to the curb. Yes, maybe temporarily it will drive them to the OW, but when they decide to come home, or not, it will be THEIR decision. There won’t be that doubt left in your heart as to whether or not their husband would’ve fought to get them back or not. And the husband will do what he is going to do knowing REALITY, not just based on fear. I wonder sometimes if my husband stayed, at least in the beginning, because he was afraid to be on his own again after being married for 16 years. He says he loves me now, and has made changes, but I still wonder if he would’ve actually FOUGHT for US. Kicking them to the curb also I think would make it easier on the betrayed spouse because one thing that I struggle with now is whether or not I was weak to not kick him out – that I didn’t follow through with my “cheat on me and its over” mantra I always had. I guess in my mind I feel like I ‘let’ him do this to me because I didn’t fight back by pitching him! Sometimes I believe that he has to think I am the dumbest person on the face of the earth because here I am, STILL married to the man who cheated on me!! I even ask him sometimes if he thinks that I am stupid for not leaving. Of course he says no, that he is grateful that I gave him another chance, but I feel stupid. Feel walked over… feel like a liar because when reality hit the fan I freaked out instead of sticking to my guns. There is that saying (like a million others in the world) that if it is meant to be, let it go and it will come back to you. Well, I held on tight instead of letting go, so now I feel like I will never really KNOW how he feels about the marriage. Am sure I am over-thinking it like I seem to do everything now, but the doubts about my choices are abundant… and I will always wish I had kicked him so that I could see what he would do next.

    • Strengthrequired

      Recovering, I often wondervtoo was I strong enough. I have asked my h the same thing, was I stupid, he too said the same thing.
      My h left several days later after me finding out about his ea.
      He came the following morning to “talk” to make sure I was “ok” and to et e know again that he was not “in love” with me anymore that he found his new love. Ohh he also had mentioned that he didn’t hate me. Wow, he didn’t hate me.
      At that point he wasn’t even interested in working on or marriage. He was trying to block his feelings for me.
      I gave him space, she wouldn’t,. There was one night I was so distraught I called him, said some things, that I needed him.of course by message he never answered his phone, then sent him messages. He ended up coming around after 1am to check up on me.
      The next day, he “messaged” me o sy he was moving on and I was to let him go, he found ho he wanted to be with. I told him, he wasn’t a man for messaging me an should have been a man, after all I deserved that after 21yrs of marriage. He then called, I told him I wasn’t going to give up on him, that he wasn’t getting his divorce, ye I did tell him I would call hs friend who was single for me to lean on. Lol. Of course I wouldn’t, just wanted to get him back for hurting me this way, by having him think about things more.
      The following day he came around, he was picking up some furniture, which I thought at the time was for him.
      I made it clear, that he could have his piece of trash, but I wasn’t giving him a divorce. He looked relieved about the divorce.
      He mentioned me wanting o call his friend, thinking I was serious, he was worried his friend would take advantage of me. Lol. I told him, I wasn’t going to call him, I needed him to just know that I too needed comfort if it wasn’t from him, my h, then it had to be from someone else.
      From that night on, I saw him every night, he moved bak home four days later, yet “it” was still in the picture, I have to say it took a long time to realize that I couldn’t stop him he had to stop himself, for the sake of his family.

    • kelbelly

      What was the turning point in your own affair experience that caused your spouse (or you) to end the affair?

      I am not really sure. He had ended his affair with the main gal but was still very much in the gaming world and still affair seeking as he had other woman he was talking to. I found out about a month after Dday that he had a second chat account and that is when he told me he was still talking to another gal that I knew about but had supposedly given up in the other chat room. When I asked him why after all we had been through was he still lying, he simply stated that he wasn’t ready to give her up. That was a pretty hard slap across the face. I couldnt understand why after 15 years together that he was ready to give me up but after just a couple months with this other gal online, he wasn’t ready to give her up. I was ready to just walk away at this point and I believe he realized that it was either he worked on us or he was going to lose everything.

      As the betrayed spouse, do you feel there anything that you can do to help this process along?

      I don’t think there is. I knew for a long time that there was something wrong with my marriage and no matter what I did, it just pushed him further away. I cannot tell you how many times I cried and asked him how I could fix us and never got anywhere.

      What advice would you give to the those whose spouse won’t end the affair?

      Kick their ass to the curb!! If you have given them some time to work it through and they are still wavering, then you are better off without them. My H knows that this is the end of the line for him. No more will I tolerate this kind of behavior or being treated like trash. I am better than that and deserve more.

    • Mandy

      The turning point was when he saw me packing my suitcase. He asked what he could to do get me to stay. I told him he had to choose right then. So he chose me and has had no contact with her since that night. But I still feel bitter that it took an ultimatum to get him to do what he should have simply done willingly.

    • Cindy

      Recovering… I feel the same way. When I found out I pretty much lost my Mind. I was a wreck. Started drinking , crying all the time and I fell apart. I begged him to have no contact with ow and we talked for hours about our relationship and he kept texting her and seeing her throughout it all. He didn’t atop until I put a GPS in his car an started showing up places they were. Then he got mad at me. Lol. He couldn’t figure out how I kept finding him. He finally chose me in the end and things have been progressing. But I will always wonder if I had given him the boot the day I found out, if he would have chosen me. I sometimes think he just picked me because he felt sorry for me or was sick of the drama. I asked him about this once and he said of course. I would have chosen you. Sounds nice but I’m still wondering

    • Cindy

      The really funny part is that I was always the girl that said I would cut his b@&$@ off if he cheated and he should be afraid when he closed his eyes at night etc… It’s funny how all that goes out the window she it happens to you. I was so shocked and surprised I never got mad. Went strait into depression and self destructive mode. And begged! You could have knocked me over with a feather. I sometimes wonder what he would have done if I was crazy mad when it happened. I wonder if he lost respect for me because I fell apart. I do know that I will never again offer advice to someone in this situation (except for comfort) because I did exactly the opposite of what I would have advised.

      • Strengthrequired

        Cindy, I begged quite a few times too. Crazy hey. I often ask him, Are you sure you didn’t stay with me because of the kids, or you felt sorry for me, or maybe you were worried about how the kids and I would be without you? His response, I’ve always loved you, I came home because I wanted my family.
        Well why keep seeing the ow then if you loved your family when you chose us over her? I don’t get it, it just frustrates me when I try and mak sense of it all.

    • CJ

      So….he hasn’t stopped the affair yet. It’s been 4+ months since I found out about it and I think it’s been going on almost a year. I’m about to e-mail him about paying the household bills. Two weeks ago he hinted that he’d be coming here this weekend – I think he spent Spring Break with the OW and her family. I don’t do very well when he’s here and am trying to think of a way to deal with this and still put on a happy face for Easter with our children. Any suggestions on how I should handle this? Yes, I’m still new at all this.

      • livingonafence

        How should you handle it? Tell him he isn’t welcome, that’s how! He made his choice, so he can’t come and go as he pleases.

        Tell him to get a hotel room because you aren’t running a flop house, and him acting like that isn’t good for the kids anyway.

    • nessw

      I don’t think there’s much you can do. If you give an ulimatum you have to mean it….not just think you do. Like many I wanted to try and keep it all together for the kids and because I loved him. I still love him but I have put my head up and looked around and seen that there is happiness all about me…and I want dome of that. So I am done with being understanding.

      I have seen off his PA partner from years back who he was still friends with. I have probably seen off his current EA partner but neither help because that was me in full fighting mode and he just feels himself to be the victim of my actions at the end of the day those women need to be out of my life so I can mother my six kids properly so I did what I needed to to ensure their exit. Now I have to get him out unless he will commit to stay away from them. I don’t think he will and then he knows he must leave voluntarily or its the solicitors for me.

      even if he does make that commitment its just about me giving him a chance….he would need to agree to make an effort because it has been all about me do far.

      I cannot recommend enough the feeling that comes from wrestling back the power in your relationship. Happy Easter everyone.

    • nessw

      CJ, why do you have to have him in your home if he has left? If he wants to see the children he can take them out, surely? If he hasn’t left properly and turns up when he feels like it, why do you let him? If he is not your man any more he can take a hike. If he is your man, why is he going elsewhere? Stand up for yourself hun!

      • CJ

        In this community property state I don’t have the right to keep him from the home. He hasn’t “fessed up” to the kids, his half of the family, or friends. If I hadn’t found out by accident, he probably would never have told me. He travels all the time and says he won’t divorce me and I can’t afford to divorce him. I’ve stopped contacting him and actually have started to do what I want around here since I don’t have to ask his approval anymore. I have asked him to leave before but to no avail……he is very stubborn and has a “God” complex. I keep hoping that he will realize the kids and I don’t need him for much but paying the bills and he’ll stop trying to connect with us. He still talks about our future as a family – together……I really don’t get it……..how long should I wait for the “fog” to lift?

    • Redemption

      In my case I did not get my H to stop the affair. On D-day I did not get mad, simply because I was in too much shock to do anything other than try to internalize the information I had just heard. The OW lived in another town and I asked my H if he was moving there. He stated no, that the affair had pretty much run its course and that he had hoped he could just slip back into my life. Well, this did’t happen either. The only choice I made that night was in asking him to leave so I could “think” and digest this info. I was like so many other wives, I never believed in a million years he could behave with so much callous and shame towards myself, our marriage, and our children. I also never realized at the time just how much power the OW had.
      The day following D-day my husband came back to the house to pick up a few items, said he was late, and walked out the door. No :I’m sorry”, no “let’s discuss this”. Nothing.
      It was our daughter who found out about her father’s affair. It was our daughter who travelled to the other city and confronted the OW at the same time with her father on speaker phone. (She had a lot of guts!) My H told our daughter at the end of the confrontation to “have a good life.” This is how dismissive he was of her feelings and of her, and how selfish he was in his fog. He ceased being our daughter’s father that day. It would be almost 1/2 a year before they would speak again face to face. To this day I am still so sad at the thought of the long term effects this will potentially leave on our daughter and our son.
      After D-day my H chose to go the the OW’s house for 5 days, still without any contact with me. The OW had cleaned out 1/2 her closet for my H to move in. And as much as I despise the OW I can acually understand this move. Why wouldn’t she believe my H was going to live with her now? She had just seen my H dismiss his daughter from his life and she had just seen my H walk out on me. Why wouldn’t she believe my H loved her after he walks away from his family. After all, he was giving up so much to be with her. And she did not see the usury because she was “in love”.
      I could go on at length about all the things that transpired from that point but it would be adnauseum.
      My H moved out for 6 months, not with her, but lived in hotels for business in many different cities. This didn’t preclude his drop-in sex visits with her though. I have never in my life been so devastated and crippled with emotion. I have always been the strong one in our relationship so I had a very difficult time adjusting to my circumstances.
      The little contact we did have during this time was not very fruitfull. But no real yelling or screaming ever took place. He was still using the OW for drop-in sex and then calling me afterwards. She always welcomed him and never refused these sex visits. He continued to lie to both of us. On my birthday I refused to acknowledge his flowers, or email. In fact I did not respond for 2 months in any way to him after this. I went on a holiday with my sister to the Dominica Republic. It was upon my return when my kids picked me up at the airport that they said their Dad was in town and had stayed at the house the night before. They said he wanted to come and pick me up and they advised him “no” because they thought I would be mad.
      So to sum this up, I stopped all contact with my H after my
      b-day, for that 2 month period. I started doing things to benefit me. Started swimming again too, which was a real stress reducer. It was shortly thereafter we started discussing his potential move home again.
      Even though my H has now been home for almost 1 year and is trying to repair much of the damage he created, there are still many ups and downs. Many things he could still be a lot better about. More self introspection is still required.
      Our kids say they believe he is a lot happier now and I believe I am happier also. But I still question whether we will survivie. Whether I can truly survive all the damage done. My previous faith in our marriage bonds have understandably changed forever.

    • gizfield

      “A person’s actions tell you everything you need to know.”

      Saw this on the internet this morning. I think it says it all, at least for me.

    • Cindy

      This is one of my favorite sayings and I have used it. Your actions speak so loud , I can’t hear your words.

    • overwhelmed

      I wish I could answer this question for my situation. She loves him. He loves her. She does not love me. She will not leave. She will not break off contact. And here I sit, frantically worrying about the welfare of our 2 young children. I’m stuck in hell.

      • CJ

        I’m with you “overwhelmed”. I have 3 children that I have cared for alone. For the last 20 years I have been the one to provide the daily care and home stability that my traveling husband could not. He says he’s tired of waiting for ME! He makes 5 times the money I do and I can’t afford to go it alone – I’m working 2 jobs to pay for our eldest child’s college tuition. I’ve told myself I’ll wait for a year from Discovery (ironically it was my eldest’s 21st birthday when I found concrete evidence of the affair) and then I’ll have to move on. Every morning I wake up thinking this might be the day I make it without worrying about what is going on, the day he might realize what we are going through, the day he finally tells the kids and his family what he’s been doing, the day limbo ends…….but when I get home and start to relax from the day, the terror begins anew…..yes, our spouses have sent us to hell

    • overwhelmed

      Our beloved Limbo. I used that term with my W again today. For me, our D-day couldn’t have been timed worse. It was Dec 1, 2012, the day my father died. The day I watched my mother, and his wife for 50+ years hold onto his dead body for 2 hours in the hospital, refusing to let go and thinking to myself, as horrible as that is, I want that. I want my wife to love me that much when my times comes.

      Then a few hours later, when back home I asked why she wouldn’t/couldn’t console me, it all came bursting forth.
      Perhaps the very worst part is that still to this day, I have not had enough room in my heart to grieve for my father.

      When I read your post CJ, I understand my W’s position even less. She’s a stay at home mom. If she goes through with divorce, she can no longer fulfill that role. My sister, her former best friend and champion single mom tried to explain how hard it is. She un-friended her and told her not to talk to her anymore.
      How could someone so unbelievably intelligent (she tutored college math and physics) be so completely clueless?

      I dunno if you pray, but I’m sending prayers your way CJ.

    • nessw

      CJ I think you should tell the people he is so keen to keep it from. You do not have to live a lie so he can have his cake and eat it. What he is doing to you is abuse. Is there nowhere to get a little free legal advice? I don’t understand how things are done in the US but here all solicitors will give an initial free session. I also can’t believe that you cannot get a divorce if you don’t have any money? There has to be a fair way out if all this for you.

      • CJ

        I am so confused. After reading everything on line that I can find, I see make things pleasant when he’s here, don’t tell family and friends, and hide/protect what’s going on from the kids. I still want him to come home. My father says don’t leave the house. My sister-in-law (who doesn’t know her brother is in an affair) said that when she went through her husband’s affair her mother said “be patient and reserved/calm”. How do I know what to do? I know I have to let him alone to decide for himself but it is driving me crazy!

        • Exercise grace

          My advice? A mixed bag. You can be patient and calm, but set some boundaries. Tell him it hurts you when he pops in and out of your life. He doesn’t get to “play” husband and father only when he feels like it. Set a schedule for visitation. Make notes when he misses. Make many, many notes. How much he is gone, every bit of evidence you have about the affair, etc. you don’t have to announce this but may be need the legal info for later if worse comes to worst. In this situation, I’m not sure how long I would cover for him. I would need a deadline for a decision from him. Wishing you the best and keeping you in my prayers.

          • CJ

            Well, he missed another Easter with his children. He called me in the middle of the night to announce that he was coming in Tues. night or Wed. morning. I told him that was not a good idea since the kids have their end of course tests this week. He said that they always did well and not to worry about it. I stuck to my guns and said no; him being here is too disruptive – keeping us all up late with him watching TV and prowling around the house (wasting time until his late night call to the girlfriend), making us late for school with his exaggerated hugs goodbye, and grilling the kids about their lives. He claimed he had things to do around the house and I said no he didn’t. He asked why I was saying all this when his absences never seemed to bother me before – my response was that they always bothered me but I knew his job kept him away so complaining would have only made things worse – I didn’t want to rock the boat in the past but now there is no boat (marriage) to rock. He’s the one who changed the rules of our lives. He said that if he is paying the bills, he should be able to come and go as he pleased – NO!

            I then reminded him that he had started this call by saying he only had a minute to talk. It was after midnight and I needed to get some sleep so I’d talk to him in a few weeks. I firmly said goodbye and hung up the phone. I actually slept! Now I’m a bit of a wreck and am wondering if he’ll show up anyway. Was it too much? How are other people, waiting for the affair to end, dealing with things?

    • niamy

      My H is having an affair with my sister in law. My brother died almost two years ago….we promised to take care of his family. My H is fullfilling the promise! Talk about double betrayal. Waiting for the affair to end….

    • nessw

      A physical affair Niamy? If so, why are you waiting. Is he still living with you?

      • niamy

        Yes still living with me. The affair is emotional ??

    • nessw

      CJ I think you are making it possible for him to continue. If he has a god complex you are just feeding it sweetie. Do you actually want this man? He sounds like a shit…. If you are happy for the relationship to exist on this level then fine. If not then tell the world, scare away his AP and demand he choose. I am sorry but he will carry on walking over you if you carry on lying down. Don’t let him treat you like this, gun.

    • nessw

      Niamy, I think you need to lay down the law. I speak from bitter experience. Let him choose you or get out. It’s not physical but it’s an affair.

      • exercisegrace

        niamy, I agree with nessw. If it’s not a physical affair now, it will almost certainly become one. I’ve lived that. Sit down with him or maybe even both, and lay down some boundaries. Tell her you are sorry for her pain and loss (which is yours too) but she cannot fill that emotional void with YOUR HUSBAND. Have some resources ready for her, grief group numbers, free counseling services at your church or elsewhere. Talk to your husband privately and tell him bluntly that while it may feel good to play the role of savior and protector, THAT role belongs only within his relationship with YOU. Tell him you will start checking in with sister-in-law, and asking other friends and relatives to do the same. Make it clear that others need to carry some of the burden, and work out a timeline that is accceptable to you and ONLY when you are PRESENT. I can’t imagine losing a husband, and I know two years is not a long time in the scope of grief, but she needs to try to lean on some others and be told this is expected.

    • Leona

      My husband started his EA about 6 months ago, I found out about it shortly after it started. Unfortunately I was naive and believed him and her ( yes I confronted her on the spot) that they were in fact “just friends”. At the time I still had access to his phone and read the emails and texts religiously. As they grew in intimacy I pondered on how to handle the situation. After several arguments and outburst we finally had a true conversation on our marriage. I did not realize how bad my husband was feeling towards us and our life. We have been together 15 years and married for 6 of those years, we have no children so it has always been just the two of us. We do everything together, and I think that is part of the problem we have no “me” times. He is feeling smothered and trapped.
      We are still in the process of working through our issues. He is still continuing his EA, even after recognition and admission he is still enthralled in the euphoria of her. He even admits this is his escape from reality, but refuses to end it . It is even affecting his work , this is the only time he can text or email her with out me seeing it. He has to work longer to make up for the lost time and I believe he goes in on weekend just to have private talk time with her.
      I have offered to leave, I have asked him to leave, I moved his things out of our bedroom, I have tried so many tactics. None of these have worked, they just made me look more demanding and controlling. Things that pushed him away to start with.
      However he has agreed to counseling and at least to try and work on our marriage. I think though that this came from the rational discussions we have had , thanks to my will power to keep my emotions in check and not from my ultimatums. Even though he hasn’t stopped the EA I think that his wheels are turning and we are on the right track. There have been changes in his attitude and his actions they have been slow in coming but they are there. I just have to be a little more patient, this EA may be only a few months old but the issues that caused it were a few years in the making. So I know its going to take time to get him back on track.
      So I do not think you can force a person to end an EA and stay in a marriage in a healthy way. You can through rational discussion and persuasion show them the light. and if you can get a third party involved to get to the root of the issues that caused the affair. The only way to truly end an EA is to stop the issues that caused it, I think that forcing a person is not the answer they have to want to stop the EA and they have to want to stay in the marriage or else it will start all over again with the same OP or a new one.

      • exercisegrace

        I would discuss with both him and the counselor my wishes that he not discuss the sessions with her, so she can put her own twist and spin on things. My husband’s AP knew so much about our life, our struggles, where things were going well and where they weren’t. She completely used it all to her advantage. it was like playing a game where someone else not only had the rule book but a copy of my playlbook as well.

    • nessw

      Sounds like you did brilliantly. Well done!

      • CJ

        Nessw. I need your help. He showed up Monday night (tonight) and acted like the “Dad”. I even made hotel arrangements for him tomorrow. He is doing what he thought needed done – without a clue, I may add, as to what really needed tending to. I suggested that he leave, stop doing what he is doing….., he still missed dinner with the “family”. Wondered where our eldest was…when I told him last night…..AHHHHHHHH.

        What sort of alternate reality could he be living in?

        Should I take his keys and lock the doors……..?

        • Strengthrequired

          Cj, when my h left at the beginning of the ea, I called a locksmith and was read to change the locks to the house.
          I ended up changing my mind, and told him that I wild give him space, but he needed to get her to give him space as well as he needed to sort himself out.
          I ended up telling him that if he wanted to come around he needed to call first. I told him that since he left he couldn’t just come around when he felt like it, I had s life too and I was going to lead it, with or without him.
          It was such a hard thing to do, and my life was notngood without him, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t function, yet I was trying to show him that I was.
          He would endnup calling every time he wanted to come around, in the end just before he came back home, I ended up telling him that thisnwas his house as well, he didn’t need to call if he wanted to see me. I was such a wus. I hated feeling like I was keeping him out of his home.
          He moved back home not long after, yet the ea kept continuing forma long time afterwards.
          Itnstill amazes me, ni matter how much of a mess I was, he always came first.

    • exercisegrace

      The question really shouldn’t be can you get the cheater to end the affair, it should be…how much are you willing to put up with and sacrifice on the gamble that they will? It makes me sick to think that the entire year or so that he was having an affair, I was facilitating that for him. I cooked, I cleaned, I did the laundry, I packed his bags for their business trips, I ran errands, I paid bills, I ferried children to school and sports events, I got toddlers ready for bed, I got up in the middle of the night with sick children, I spent hours on the phone dealing with health insurance hassles, and i had major surgery while feeling alone and ignored. ALL while feeling stressed and desperate and suspicious about what was going on. Begging and fighting and pleading for him to love me, and be careful of her. Oops, too late. The affair was full monty by then.

      Looking back, I would have drawn some much harsher boundaries. I would not have needed “proof” he was having an affair, I would have just needed to stand on the fact that he was not being anywhere near the husband or father he used to be and should be. And demanded that it change.

      Yes, he ended the affair on his own. Yes, he never physically left me. Yes he says it was all the fighting that woke him up to the fact that I really loved him and he wanted our marriage. Yes, we are healing and moving forward. But the cost to ME has been enormous. If I could go back, I would have simply said. I AM NOT DOING THIS. Whatever you are doing, go do it on your own. Need to pursue another woman? I will seek a formal separation to protect my rights. I will be willing to go to counseling when your slut is out of the picture and I have proof of that. I may or may NOT be willing to restore the marriage. But I will not live in emotional hell and limbo. I will not be drug down the long hall of self-esteem wrecking and personal doubting.

      • CJ

        I can’t tell if you are happy he’s back, or not, but congratulations on having the patience to let him make his own decision. I will try to do as well. How long did the affair last after you discovered it?

        By the way, I love your posting identity – exercise grace.

        • exercisegrace

          Sorry CJ, i’m not having one of my better days. Yes, I am glad he is back. It’s been a long ugly road, but we are trying to heal and he is genuinely remorseful.
          He and his affair partner were colleagues who had known each other several years before her feelings changed, and she (her words) began to pursue him aggressively. He had just lost his dad, nearly lost our primary business, became depressed and there you have the Perfect Storm. When it was still an EA, they started a secondary business and ran it out of our home. Initial boundaries I had asked for, quickly went out the window. I began to have suspicions almost right away but was told I was paranoid, jealous, crazy, you name it. He defended the “friendship” to the Nth degree. Thus began about two years of hell. I never “caught” them. He ended the affair on his own, which was my only blessing in this whole mess. She did not react well, and outed the whole ugly thing. Then she cyber stalked and bullied us and that continues to this day, off and on even though there has been no contact for over a year.

          and thanks. I chose my name because I knew this would be a long hard road to healing. I wanted my name to reflect my GOAL of healing my marriage and to do that, well I knew that I would need to EXERCISE GRACE. among other things, LOL

    • nessw

      Exercise Grace is right. Only yesterday my husbands AP told me shed stop talking to him if she felt it would make any difference. What is she doing having any knowledge of mymarriage at all? Let alone passing judgement on what would fix it or not!

      There are a lot of people here whove come out the other end in one piece with their partners, but that always seems to be massively at the expense of the BS. Is it worth it? I don’t think it is. I am at the beginning of the process of divorcing my CS. I spent 15 months trying to compromise but nothing changed. I will be a poverty stricken single mum of six. But I’ll have my self-respect back.

    • Cindy

      I agree. The ow (whore) new everything about my marriage. Inc my sex life. She knew what my husband didn’t like about me so she did the exact opposite even if she didn’t like it herself. She ha a play book to my marriage and took full advantage of it.

    • Strengthrequired

      Ladies, that’s what the ow does, uses what information she can get about how we are as wives and uses it against us to make herself look like she is the ONE he has been waiting for and that even with all those children and all the years we have stood by our husbands, they still manage to get into our husbands head that we don’t love them.
      Of course our men are at a weak stage in their lives, they are getting older, midlife crisis seems to be s main factor along with raising a family, thinking a wife has no time for them, they get stressed about work, money. So what happens some ow comes along shows them a bit of attention, start telling them what sorry lives they have, get our men feeling sorry for them, they start opening up the communications lines with our men, until the husbands start giving details about us and or marriages. That’s when she strikes and nownhas the ammunition to get furtherninto his mind, having him believe that he doesn’t love us and we don’t love him., and how she is gods blessing. She now becomes his rescuer from the horrid wife who doesn’t deserve our h. She already knows that he has a family, she knows the life that we have with our h, otherwise we wouldn’t have stayed together for so long, she now wantsnit for herself, OUR life and family.
      Our h may have been weak and not in their right frame of mind, the ow knew what she was doing. You know something else, they get a rude surprise when they realize that we stand by our h and fight for our marriages.

    • Cindy

      Lol. She sure was shocked that I fought for my marriage. I realized my husband was going through a mid life crisis am was bored. It didn’t hurt any less. I confronted her and she told me all and I mean all the details of their PA. She thought I would leave him. When I caught the together the last time at a coffee shop, she looked at me and said” why are you following us? This can’t be any fun for you?” Lol. I looked back and said ” the few minutes here and there you get to spend with him can’t be any fun for you “. Besides , I will be sleeping next to him tonight!! That was the end.

    • Strengthrequired

      Lol Cindy, thats the best part. My h ow kept throwing all these things at me and my h to try and get either of us to walk awa from each other and it wouldn’t work.
      She even said to him, tell her I slept with you so she will leave us alone, lol. He said no I’m not telling my wife that when isn’t true.
      She even told him, why does she call me an it? Lol well gee i don’t know I wonder why?
      She said another time, if I was married to you and you did this to me what you are doing to your wife, I would have left.
      Well wouldn’t you have thought that lightening would have struck my h after hearing those words when she said that. You would have thought gee, this woman isn’t worth all my efforts, when here my wife is standing by me, while I sort myself out, yet this ow just tld me she would have left, yet no, has taken alot more than that. Unfortunately.
      Stupid mid life crisis.
      I keepmwondering when my midlife crisis is going to hit. Lol

    • Strengthrequired

      My h gave her some of our furniture, when he moved out at the beginning, I had thought it was for him.
      You know what I sent her.

      I said, I hope you enjoy the bed I made love to my h in.
      Ohh and the lounge too, enjoy knowing that my h had a Randy old time on that lounge too. So every time you sit there or sleep in the bed you know your having my left overs lol

    • Cindy

      She told my husband the same thing. She told him that she couldn’t believe how he was lieing to his wife and hurting her and playing games. She said she would have never stayed with him of he cheated on her. She told him he was so special she would never share him! Duh. She was sharing him. Dumb a&@.

    • Strengthrequired

      I know can they be anymore deluded?

      My goodness, how odd they think that they think that they aren’t sharing, just because the are the ow. How odd they seem to think that every woman is like them, that if the person they love more then anything made a bad decision, we would walk away because they would. Seems odd to me that they thought they had easy competition.
      Well they were wrong, we have morals and true love for our h, they weren’t counting on that, that’s why they had to use dirty tactics to trap a man into something they weren’t ready for. They thought that it was the only way a man would want them, by causing drama and conflict in our h life.
      So idiotic. We have a lifetime of memories, what do they have, something that would never measure up in the real world.

    • Strengthrequired

      Cindy, the ow also told my h nit to touch me when he moved back home to be with his family. Lol
      What an idiot to think he moved back home just to look at me. Hello stupid, he moved back home so he could get loving from his wife and benwith his family. Lol.
      Let me say though, when he moved back home, she became more desperate.

    • Cindy

      I am so thankful and grateful I found this website. I found it completely by accident one day when I was at the end of my rope. It literally saved my sanity. So reassuring to hear how all the OW talk and act exactly the same and how our husbands acted and reacted. Also the same. So comforting to know we aren’t alone. And I must say there are a lot of people that thought I was nuts to stay in my marriage. So glad I’m not alone and so glad you all inderstand

    • Strengthrequired

      I too had people think I was nuts. The thing is, I knew this man was not the man I married, it was not the same man, he was notmhimself and I knew it. She had manipulated her way into his head, and he didn’t realise what she was up to. He started out giving her a shoulder to lean on, help. He had no intention on being unfaithful, especially with her. Yet the midlife crisis and him worrying about suporting us, his family, it got all too much, she took advantage of him when he was down and she knew she could. However she couldn’t domthat unless she was completely sure he was easily manipulated, because otherwise it wouldn’t have worked in her favor.
      I too found this website when I needed more strength.
      What amazes me on how quickly ournh seem to go down hill, due to the ow. How they don’t know what hit them, until it is almost too late.

    • nessw

      CJ, what do YOU want? Do you want rid of him or fir him to come back to you having ditched this woman?

      I don’t know about locking him out. I think I would say that I’d told him not to come back and that he had not listened to my wishes. Does he accept he’s doing something wrong? If so then I would explain that is why he cannot come and go ad he pleases. If he is in some kind of denial then, personally, I would tell the world including the children that are old enough. I think one of the worst things they do to us is make us a part of the deceit. If it is all blown open he will face the disapproval and hurt of those he loves and admires and that MIGHT help him out of the fog. Or might get him to understand that you are a force to reckon with.

      I’m not the best person to ask for advice really. I just wanted to keep my husband because I adore him…I didn’t succeed in that. You can never be sure how your actions will play out in these situations.

      Good luck. Stand up for yourself!

    • Cindy

      CJ. In my situation my husband and the Pig loved the secrecy. He had no shame and was in absolute denial until family members found out. When I caught him at first I didn’t say anything to my kids. 19 and 21. As time went on , I told him I wasn’t keeping his dirty little secret anymore. I told him that I’d he wasn’t doing anything wrong and he really wanted to be with the pig then everyone should know. After that, everytime I caught him texting or seeing her I told my kids. I think having to face reality, and the kids knocked him back into reality. This might not work for you or your situation. Every man is different. But in my opinion if he thinks what he is doing is right and moral, then there should be no secrets

    • Cindy

      I would add that before anyone knew about his affair, they has no idea why we were fighting all the time or why I was crying and upset all the time or why I was drinking. My kids thought I was losing it. I told my husband that I am sick of taking the blame and hiding his secrets. I told him my kids had a right to know that I wasn’t losing my marbles. It took a while. When I would catch him te texting I would casually mention it to my daughter like ” oh, ur dad is still texting that whore” sp that why I’m upset today. Or ” caught ur dad put with the whore” so I’m leaving for a cpl days. When he has to face his kids an family disapproval every time. He started to get “it”. As long as there are secrets and subterfuge he will stay in the fog

    • Strengthrequired

      I’m going to ask a question to all of you both cs and bs.
      How important do you think it is for the cs to have closure with the ow/om whether by talking or messaging that the ea is over?
      Just curious, I believe it is essential that the om/ow know that it is finished and that the cs will no longer participate in the ea, that there will be no more contact.
      I think the om/ow need to understand that itnis over.
      My h would prefer to just stop all contact without saying a word, no message or anything.
      So this is where my question comes into play. What do you think?

    • Strengthrequired

      Sorry I would liketo add that I think if nothing is said it leaves the Orin of starting the ea again open because it wasn’t actually finished. No closure had happened.

    • Strengthrequired

      What do you thinkofthis lis tonhelpbthe bs recover from the affair?

      http://www.wikihow.com/Rebuild-Your-Spouse's-Trust-After-an-Affair

      • Strengthrequird

        I ended up showing my h the list, he didn’t have time to read it this morning but when he gets home he is going to. He read some of it though.

        I do hope this helps him understand what he needs to do for me.

        Fx…..

    • nessw

      Strength required, I think that’s an excellent list. It perfectly explains why I am where I am because my CS, even though desperate to ease my pain, found it impossible to recognise the need for almost anything on this list….I have actually forwarded it to him because, although we are on the brink of divorce, he often wonders how we got here and why I insist on it ending in spite of us having 6 kids and swearing we never would. I hope this will help him to understand.

      • Strengthrequired

        I too forwarded itnonto my h, notmsure if henwill read it, but I hope so. I am hoping he will understand why I ask of him the things I ask of him.
        Good luck to you Hun.

    • nessw

      CJ, how are you getting on?

      • CJ

        Thank you for checking up on me. He left today. Thank goodness. I am feeling terrible. I couldn’t bring myself to even speak to him while he was here. He fixed my son’s transmission and repaired the icemaker on the refrigerator. I only saw him for dinner. He pointedly ignored me during the meals, didn’t even extend his normal thanks or compliments, and walked away as soon as he was finished eating. I found myself wishing I had somewhere else to go or some way to force him to leave. I drank too much wine and stayed in the bedroom as soon as I was finished with my evening chores – he has been sleeping on the couch, when he’s here, since last May. I don’t remember ever feeling this defeated, empty, and hopeless. He is still committed to his affair partner and will not divorce me, won’t tell family and friends about his doings, and ignores my requests to stay away. I took each child aside this week and told them that their father was breaking my heart and asked them to forgive my mood and behavior – I didn’t give them any details; they don’t need to know how bad this is. They don’t need to know that my heart feels like it is trapped in iron bands and that my head is spinning. In two weeks, I will have known about this affair for 5 months.

    • nessw

      CJ, it’s up to you but I think you should tell his family what is happening to you and ask for help in persuading him to do the decent thing. Unless there’s something wrong with them they will support you.

    • nessw

      Good luck with that. I hope he understands…it’s not rocket science but they seem to struggle with this stuff!

    • CJ

      For Linda and Doug…….How would you answer this question? Linda, was there anything you did or said that turned Doug on the introspective as to the consequences of what he was doing? Doug, how did you interpret it?

      • Doug

        Hey CJ, Over the span of several months after the affair, we were getting along good and on the surface things seemed good. However, we were actually just kind of sweeping the real issues under the rug. As a result, Linda still had questions and lacked a complete understanding of why it happened, etc. — which she communicated to me.

        I realized that for her (and us) to be able to move on and for our marriage to survive I had to make some changes which entailed figuring out what was wrong with me to cause me to do the things I did.

        There were also some outside influences that helped push this along: reading about affairs and why they occur, reading comments from this site, many discussions with Linda, and starting a meditation program.

        I hope that answers your question. If not, just let me know!

        • Linda

          CJ, I would also like to add that it wasn’t an easy and fast process. It took a couple of years to reach that point, meaning that Doug had to become motivated to look within himself and that was not an easy task. Most cheaters would like to forget this huge mistake, chalk it up to stupidity and move on. First of all I had to stop taking the blame for his affair, and truly accept that while I was not a perfect wife there were many external factors that contributed to Doug’s affair. Then I had to communicate to Doug what I needed from him, and that I (we) could not move on until he looked within himself, just as I had done when I found out about the affair, and figure out why he was vulnerable. Until he did we could not restore trust and I could not be secure that he would never have another affair.

        • CJ

          My huband is still very actively involved in his affair and says he has no intention of ending it, however he has also stated that he will never divorce me. I would like to know, or at least hear, what finally made Doug consider ending his affair and did Linda do or say anything that made him consider it. I am trying to wait out the affair but my husband is so stubborn that even if he finds himself thinking of leaving his affair, he may not since he’s already stated that he does not want to reconcile our marriage. Doug, how long did your affair last?

          • Doug

            CJ, I’m really sorry about your situation. Your husband’s stance must be very difficult to deal with. Since everyone and every relationship is different, I feel there is no single strategy that one can say will work 100% of the time when trying to motivate a spouse to end their affair. Therefore, I’m including some posts and info here with differing perspectives that I hope can help you out. There was no one thing that Linda did or said that motivated me to end my 6-month long (approximately) affair. This post and especially the comments may help you a bit: http://www.emotionalaffair.org/7-ways-to-get-your-spouse-to-end-the-affair/

            Here is a post that will give a different slant on this topic: http://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-stop-an-affair-by-exposing-it/

            Finally, here is some advice from one of our reader’s perspectives (Note that it’s addressed to a man whose wife was cheating–Thanks to LOAF for this!):

            “What I’m about to say is going to seem harsh, and it’s not what you’ll want to hear, but it’s the truth, and it works.

            Do not let yourself be an option for your wife. That’s right – you aren’t an option and allowing yourself to be one is going to kill you. Your wife will play this game as long as you allow it. Say this outloud “My wife has a boyfriend”. Say it over and over, until it sinks in how twisted that fact is. Say it until you’re sick to your stomach with what you’re tolerating. Say it until you’re angry and ready to help her pack her bags.

            Please read the stories on this site. See how many people did as you’re doing and how it worked for them. See how many waited months, or years. See how many are still waiting. Then read the stories of people that forced their spouse to make a decision, and what that decision was. Those that wouldn’t accept being optional ‘won’, as you put it. It’s amazing how quickly that fog lifts when a person’s real world is about to leave them forever.

            What your wife is doing is called ‘cake eating’, because she’s having her cake and eating it too. She’s got her stable family and homelife, and she has the thrill of infatuation. Why give either up if she doesn’t have to? In the process, her respect for you will decrease and eventually there won’t be any. Do you think she’ll maintain a real relationship with someone she has no respect for? Would you?

            So what will pull her head out of her ass? Well, for starters, telling her you won’t put up with this any longer would be a big start. Telling her that she can see him as much as she wants, but she cannot see you while doing so will make her realize what she’s throwing away with this teenage dream nonsense.

            I know – you saw WWs story and you’re thinking that what you’re doing will work. Well, even WW has to admit that when her mind started thinking about herself more, even dreaming of what her new life would be, her H started changing. Why? Because she started acting like she was moving on with her life too. She wasn’t waiting for him to decide to change his mind. She was dealing with what he was doing by proactively preparing for the end of her marriage (despite that not being what she wanted).

            Your wife knows what she’s doing. She is well aware of how much you are hurting. She doesn’t seem to care much, does she? She probably says she does, but what is she doing to help you? Nothing, that’s what. You need to be the one to help yourself. The first step is to get the negativity out of your life, and right now as much as it hurts, that is your wife.

            But what about your kids? Well, is this good for them? Is having a dad that’s a mess and a mom who’s head is somewhere else good for them? Is this a healthy home, where mom has a boyfriend and dad lets himself be walked all over? I would say no, it isn’t, at all. Your wife is selfishly putting your children at risk too, and what is to love about that? Kids learn what they see. Is this what you want them living with and seeing? Is this what you want them to think is normal or acceptable?

            It doesn’t matter that you said she could do this. You can tell her she can’t any longer. Tell her that if she wants her boyfriend then she needs to move out, and she needs to do this now. Tell her you won’t be living with a cheater and you won’t be treated like a doormat, and that you want her out. Usually, that snaps people back to reality in a hurry. When faced with ‘Mr. Wonderful’ or the real love (boring, but real) of marriage, you’ll be surprised how often marriage wins. I guess Mr. Wonderful isn’t so wonderful.

            So when does this plan not work out so well? When there is no respect for the betrayed spouse. When the CS looks at the BS as someone to be pitied, someone weak, someone they are used to walking all over, they find it much easier to leave. If the BS is viewed as strong, proud and of value, then the CS usually sees the light quickly. If you want to be seen like this, you need to act like this.

            It’s very hard to do. It’s hard to look at someone you love and tell them to leave. It’s harder to spend months watching them fall harder and harder for someone else while they lose all respect for you.

            Counseling is great, and I recommend it, but only after a CS has come to their senses.

            I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. I’m sorry your wife is a selfish person that thinks only of herself (yes, right now, this is a very accurate description of your wife). I’m sorry you’re hurting so much and I’m sorry your wife cares more about her romance than your heart. I’m most sorry that you’re allowing it to continue, because it will continue for as long as you allow it.

            Please, read the stories of people here. Read how they ended up under different circumstances. Read how many times I’ve said “If you tell your cheating spouse to leave and they don’t snap out of it, you’ll be the first.” because they have always snapped out of it. I get to say it to you too:

            If you tell your wife to leave and she doesn’t snap to her senses and end her affair, you’ll be the first.”

            So now is when you either take a stand and show your wife with actions that you are worth more than what she’s giving you, or it’s when you start looking for reasons why you need to keep doing what you’re doing, and trust me – there are no good reasons. If you find a good reason to let your spouse have a boyfriend, please share it. We’d all like to know what that is because none of us could find one. If you take a stand, even if she leaves what have you lost? She would have made that decision anyway. If she doesn’t, haven’t you saved yourself months or even years of heartache?

            There is a woman here that found the excuses. It’s been over 15 months now. When she last posted, her husband was still seeing his girlfriend. 15 months. Do you want to still be posting here, wondering why she doesn’t care, in 15 months? You have the power now to do something about this. Whether you use that power or not is your choice.

            Please, don’t be an option for anyone.

            • chiffchaff

              powerful stuff and very true.

    • Gizfield

      Well Said, Doug and whoever the other authors were. I do not believe anyone has to tolerate their spouse sneaking around with someone behind their back. I told my husband I was not planning to compete with anyone and Imeant it. apparently, he did not believe it. from the period of August 2009 to october 2011 I caught him periodically in contact with the tramp. Actualy june e 2010 tooctober 2011. I never saw anything truly in appropriate or flirty during that time like I did before his confession that he wanted a divorce june 2009. He was just sneaky, underhanded, and defensive of his little friend. He admitted what he did prior to his confession was wrong but beyond that he didn’t do anything wrong.

    • Gizfield

      In October 2011 we were at an event where he was playing music. They were packing up, I went over, and he snatched away so I couldn’t see what he was doing. I knew immediately he was texting this tramp but he denied it. I got up about 2 am and checked his phone. The cow had texted, again, did we want a parakeet for our daughter that her friend was getting rid of. Seeing this skank use my childs name sent me into ORBIT. Called her, she didnt answer, left a message. Woke his ass up. She called me back, called ME a bunch of names, including c#@t. Then we got into a text fight. Jesus, is all I can say about that. Boy was he uncomfortable.

    • Gizfield

      Have to continue later, lunch break is over, lol.

    • nessw

      Hugs to Gizfield. One of the worst things oh did to me was show me a photo of his historic ap holding my baby at just a few days old. I burnt that photo and I was the one painted as being nuts as a result. When people are in these affairs they lose all contact with reality and sometimes they take us with them. So, yeah, hanging on is one way….but I’ve got to fifteen months and have laid it on the line with legal help. I’m so proud of myself now.

    • CJ

      Well, I’m convinced there is nothing I can do to jolt my husband out of his affair. Yesterday I got an e-mail directing me to her facebook account. She has posted pictures of my husband all over the place. They are recreating dates that he and I had. Everything they do is about him.

      I showed him the facebook page and he said he knew nothing about it. I told him that it had to go in case the kids got similar e-mails. I finally asked him if he was “sitting on the fence” and he said no, this has been going on longer than he’s led me to believe. He wants to keep pretending for the kids, to keep their lives as much the same as possible. He says that it’s my idea to keep up the pretense, but it isn’t. I don’t know if I can keep it a secret much longer. I feel nauseated. I’d like to get into her facebook friends list and tell them all that my husband and his tramp are both filth. I wish I’d never found out about this…at least last year this time I was looking forward to our life together – now I feel like I have nothing, our 20+ years together feels like a waste.

    • Cindy

      CJ: I wouldn’t presume to offer you advice but I do have a question. I have been reading your comments and I have to wonder: if the other woman is posting pics on Facebook and dating your husband, and your husband has no intention of divorcing you, what’s in it for her? Seriously, is she planning on being the other woman forever? And I’m really really not trying to be mean here but if he wants you to keep his secret while he has his cake and eats it too, aren’t you enabling his affair? When your children are older and they find out what will they think of your decision? Everyone has a different opinion and suggestion as to how to end the affair, some work some don’t, and I know it is killing you (been there) but by keeping his secret and letting him live a double life you are accepting his decision 100% without regards to what you want or need

      • CJ

        I’d like to know what she gets out of this too? He probably hasn’t told her the same things he’s told me about divorce or maybe he really wants me to initiate the divorce. Right now I just wish he’d go away.

    • Cindy

      Also, when people started to find out about my husbands affair it went a long way in ending the affair. My kids found out , friends, family members, etc. my husband was cool with affair while it was secret but he faced a lot of disappointment and judging from other people when they found out. He knew wht he was doing was wrong but no one knew about it. When people found out not only was he embarrassed by his actions and how they perceived his morals and characters, it forced him into a decision.

    • CJ

      I know….I should tell but I also know that when my mother told me about my father’s affairs, it ruined my relationship with him for a very long time. I know that Daddy’s behavior has colored my relationship with my husband. I fear that my kids might carry the knowledge of their Dad’s weakness with them forever as I have. I also know that “telling” might be the only way to end the limbo.

      I just got another e-mail with her e-mail and her husband’s name (don’t think they are still married though). Should I make contact?

    • Gizfield

      Cj, you must be a more patient person than me cause I would have done kicked somebody’s ass. That is just absolutely unacceptable for someone to put photos of herself with your husband on facebook. I put up with a bunch of “we are not doing anything wrong, we are friends, she is a good person ” bullshit for 2 years. All my friends and family knew about this from the beginning but none of his did. I finally got tired of looking like the bad guy. Moody, irrational , jealous, etc. I put him out of the house, unfriended and blocked him on facebook, and would have nothing you do with him for a month. I wrote on my facebook page “you have a serious problem when your secret “friendship” with a (her city) road whore is more important than your wife and family” Someone must have told him because he sent me a text “you need to get that shit off facebook cause you are making me look bad ” . I texted back “what you have done makes you look bad.” Not me exposing it! If they dont have some consequences there is no reason to change.

    • Cindy

      Gizfield. Couldn’t agree more. I was acting like a crazy person. Drinking , crying etc. my kids thought I was nuts. Until they found out the reason. Then blame was directed where it belonged. Then it opened up his eyes. Kids had no respect for him and what he was doing to me and told him so!!!! Keeping his secret just allows him to do what he wants

    • nessw

      CJ…..look back at all your posts on this thread. If I had posted them, what would you advise me to do?

    • Gizfield

      I agree, Cindy, keeping the secret allows it to continue with no consequences. By the way, you bitching and crying IS NOT a consequence. I wonder if it’s actually an ego boost. Oh well, I lost it too. I just actually felt completely rational for the first time. I told him I did not love him and I meant it. if the best I can do in marriage is my husband having a secret relationship with a tramp behind my back, I dont want it. went to a lawyer, told him I went and was saving my money to file .. Told I daughter he couldn’t live with us because he was dating someone else. He wanted to hang around, I finally told him he could see our childanytime but it would not be at my house. You know all those functions they want to skip out on? he was thrilled when I invited him to do stuff, like trick or treat . I mean I was DONE with this guy, this tramp, and their disrespect. It was going out of my life, one way or the other !!

    • cindy

      CJ: when my kids found out, my daughter (21) was furious with her father and told him so. however, they have always been close and my daughter forgave him him very quickly. telling people is not an atractive option. when i first found out, i didnt want anyone to know because i was so humiliated and embarrassed, i didnt want people to think less of me. however, thru this website i learned that the embarrassment was his not mine. it also wasnt my choice or fault that he had the affiar. when people ask me if i would have done anything different, i respond: no, it wasnt my choice to make and therfore i couldnt have done anything differently myself. i dont know how old your children are but mine are 19 and 21. my kids witnessed me crying, drinking, fighting with their father for seemingly no reason. they were starting to think i was losing it until they found out about affair. if your kids are too young it may not be appropriate but i absolutely would let relatives, friends and colleagues know. i cant tell you what to do but in my case, when people started finding out, he was embarrassed because i told him it was his decision to cheat, not mine. he asked me if i was embarrassed that other people were finding out and i honestly told him, “i am a good wife, a great mother and a better person” i have nothing to be embarrassed about i didnt break my vows or my family he is counting on you to remain silent and it is working

      • CJ

        I really think the kids already know (at least in their hearts, they do) but like me they want it to go away. The kids are 15, 17, & 21. We have always waited for him to come home from his pilot job and it’s normal for him NOT to be here so when he’s gone it’s easy to think the affair isn’t real. When he comes home, it slaps me in the face, and I want to slap him. I’ve read that you shouldn’t make life changing decisions until you can look at the situation calmly and I am far from calm. I go from days of peace to days of anguish so I don’t know if I’m ready to do anything and then there is always the advice of my parents generation – wait it out. UGH!!!!!

    • Gizfield

      I totally agree, nessw, look at out from an outside perspective. Nobody ever mentioned it to me after I put my facebook comment. I dont know if anyone said anything to him. But trust me once they have to deal with reality, nobody condones it, except other cheaters. It’s very validating after being told that you are jealous, insecure, etc. for othrs to let you know you are not. YOU are not the problem, the CHEATING is.

    • Cindy

      Well then why on earth haven’t you told her what he said!!!!!! She’s emailing you

    • Gizfield

      That would not be my parents’ advice, lol. The story was one time my daddy was stepping out, and my mother popped him upside the head with a cast iron skillet. True story :~) straightened him right out !

    • nessw

      CJ. If your kids know….do you want them to grow up thinking that this is how a man should treat his wife?

      If you have sons, do you want them to do this to their partners? If you have daughters and this happens to them, do you want them to feel they should somehow have to accept it as part of life?

      If you and the kids all know but are pretending that is really disfunctional….who are you protecting? Not each other in the long run. I don’t want to tell you what to do. Your OH is doing this, not you….but you can choose how to react. And if the kids see you aquiescing then they are going to draw lessons for life from that. As Philip Larkin said….they fuck you up, your mum and dad…I think living like this would certainly do that.

      Sorry to be so blunt.

    • nessw

      Btw, I am currently giving my OH a month’s grace before filing for divorce. He can do what I ask by then or it will be too late.

      I have to balance my oldest children knowing about their dad’s indiscretions against the younger ones worshipping him. At the end of the day I think we could manage a divorce better than my girls can handle seeing their mum subjugate herself to their dad. LOTS of people know about this….his parents etc are appalled. All agree with me.

    • Gizfield

      CJ, on response to your question, what does the affair partner get out of this? I think they are ego driven as well. Being “desired” especially by someone else’s spouse makes them feel special, younger, prettier, or whatever. Or as my husband’s girlfriend wrote “phat and fresh.” At least as phat and fresh as a woman in her mid forties should feel, lol. Very ego driven. And no, I dont make this crap up, lol. Sick, isn’t it ?

    • CJ

      OK everyone,

      I’ve contacted a lawyer but I thought I’d send a No Contact letter. I would really appreciate it if you would read it and critique it before I send it. Is it confident? Does it leave him a way out? Could it be effective or have I missed being direct?

      Here it is…..

      Bob,
      When we married, I never looked back; I walked down the aisle holding your hand and knew we would be together forever. I thought we became a single entity with a core connection of love and loyalty that we could rely on to pull us through any problems. You have told me that I am a manipulator, in the negative sense; yet in the past you have used this same description of me as a compliment when I was able to make something good happen. I make mistakes everyday but I always thought you knew I was trying my best to be a good parent and the partner you needed to support our family. You said I was the glue which held our family together. It is truly tragic what has happened to us.
      I know that we’ve been unhappy for a long time and I am aware that my behavior and insecurities have contributed to the emotional estrangement between us . Our marriage has suffered due to neglect by both of us. While trying to meet the needs of our family, we have missed meeting each other’s emotional needs. When we did try to care for each other, each of us was so focused on what we were doing that we didn’t feel it. Too late, I realized how far apart we had become, yet I reached inside myself and recommitted to you. I started on the house, demanded help and responsibility from the kids, opened my heart to you again, and found I could see the chance at a happy future. When you took us out to dinner on the anniversary of your marriage proposal, I thought you were finding your way back too. I was mistaken, and I started to watch you and I snooped. I discovered I had lost track of everything you were doing. All those jokes the kids and I made about you being a secret agent were on target. It was an accident that I saw your text messages and discovered how far you had gone and I admit that I looked up who sent the messages and started to dig. I sought help from a friend of my Daddy’s and he finally found Louise.
      Your rage at me the night Andy was calling you a liar, was because you had been lying to us for awhile. You said that you didn’t mean for this to happen, but you made a choice. At some point, you chose the path away from your family. You chose an emotional commitment that required a secret second life and it has removed you from our relationship. It wasn’t fate or magic, or me, that forced you to accept her invitation.
      I do not believe in divorce. I believe in the strength we have as a family. I believe in love even when it is not expressed. I believe you are still the man I knew and love. My emotions are swinging, as if on a pendulum. Within any given hour, I’m angry, sad, desperate to protect my children from your truth, and sometimes, even calm and accepting of the situation. I am more at peace when you are not here. I am jealous that you found the time to begin and maintain another relationship when my only avenue to fulfill my emotional needs came from additional devotion to the kids. It angers me that you think you need to come back to perform tasks that you avoided when you were still with us – driveway, icemaker, house lights. You put a temporary patch on whatever it is and leave. We are left with whatever you think is “good enough”. I question whether you are using these jobs as an excuse to come back. When you’re here, I find myself wanting to be close to you, but I can’t, so I try to set boundaries to your visits and you ignore them (and I’m the manipulator?). You call yourself an asset but it feels like you are controlling our relationship with you. We need to gain control of our lives so I’m asking that you stay away until we (I) can do that. We can limit our communication to text and e-mail. I am not trying to push you away; I am asking for time to mend. I would like you to write and tell me exactly what you see as your part in our lives; your plan for providing for your broken family, explain how another piece of property fits in your vision, and the real reason why you are so unwilling to have me handle the household accounts. Do not tell me that this is not my concern. I am trying to end the uncertainty of this nightmare and rid myself of this emotional storm.
      I still feel that weekend visits with the kids are the best way for you to keep in touch with them. There is no need for you to come to the house and pretend that everything is fine. When you and the kids pick a weekend, I will reserve a suite in town and give you use of the truck or I guess you could go to San Antonio. I ask that you never include Louise and her family in these visits; the visits are for you and our children.
      Bob, I no longer know what the future holds for us. I do not and never will condone what you have done. I am your wife and I know I made the right choice when I married you. I feel that as long as one of us holds on, our marriage might endure. I have grown realizing that I can still love you regardless of anything that happens – stupid, huh? You say I have whipped and beaten you and I know you truly believe that. I am sorry for everything I ever said and did that made you feel that way; it was never my intent. You once told me that your shoulders were broad enough to support us both. I wish they were broad enough to give you the support to come back and start a better life with me.

      • Linda

        CJ, I know in order to send a contact letter you have to be at the end of your rope because you have tried everything else without any changes. My suggestions is that you make a list of what you want to gain from this letter and state those reasons clearly to your husband.

        Tell him how you feel in very simple terms and also tell him what your expectations are for him and your marriage, what he needs to do in order to save this marriage.(ex. end contact) You have to make it about “us” not what you did wrong or what he has done wrong. He needs to know that marriage is a joint effort and in order to move forward you both have to change. Then I would tell him what your plans are in he is unable to follow through on your requests. Please make sure you are willing and able to back up your plans, and not just calling his bluff to see a reaction.

        I believe that Divorce Remedy and William Harley’s book have some samples and ideas for writing a letter. They also recommend you draft one with a therapist or someone who has some experience in this area. Good luck.

    • CJ

      Thank you Linda. I already decided not to bother sending the letter since he’s never here anyway. I really don’t think anything I do is going to change his mind. The only thing that might is when he reveals himself to his sisters and the kids. Going to the attorney on Friday to see what I need to do to protect myself. Found another secret credit card account on Friday and have been a funk all weekend as a result.

      Does anyone know of an affair that has lasted 1-2 years and the WS comes home? Tomorrow is the 5 month anniversary of finding out about this. Next month we would have been married for 22 years.

    • ness w

      I don’t know about contact letters as such. I have spent months trying to talk to my OH and then several more months trying to be quiet in order to let him think things through. Nothing made any difference in spite of the fact that, it would seem, my husband feels much worse about everything than yours, CJ. In the end I sat him down and just said this is what I need from you in order to be able to offer you the chance for us to stay together, you’ve got a month to give me that commitment after which I file for divorce (I would go separation but he won’t leave the house).

      I got the courage to do this after seeing a solicitor who confirmed to me that the law would be on my ‘side’. I don’t know how the law works in the US…here we would seek mediation first and only go to court if no agreement could be reached. I can easily divorce my husband on grounds of unreasonable behaviour and, if he fails to cooperate with the proceedings, that will go against him with the courts. After a similar amount of time married to you, CJ, I am seen as an equal partner in the marriage with equal rights to property in spite of the fact that he is the big earner. On top of that, the law here looks at the fact that my contribution to the marriage has had a negative effect on my future earning capacity and divides our assets accordingly.

      Once i knew that I would be financially sound and that a court would not be made to believe that I was a nutter as a result of spending the last year or so crying, I felt able to proceed…there was no way I’d take a big risk on losing the children.

      So, my advice would be for you to make sure you know you are in a position to offer them and then set out your terms. You need to know that whatever you say you would do. I would, at that point, ensure all his family and friends know. After that length of marriage they are your family too and you need their support. I can’t stress how wonderful my in-laws have been and how much strength I have drawn from that.

    • Bex

      Discovered about 6 weeks ago my wife was having an EA with her tennis instructor. Typical eh? She says that she is not having an affair because it gas never been physical yada yada. She then says that she loves me but not in love with me and needs to decide if she wants to be married to me. This is very frustrating. We have 2 boys under 14 yo so I do not want family to break up for holidays but home life has been a real struggle. I know that he still texts her every few days and she will not show me texts. Just don’t know what to do.

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