By promising fidelity to your partner, you are declaring that you will be honoring your commitment no matter how inconvenient it might become.
By Linda & Doug
Today we have a guest article from Dr. Joe Rubino. Dr. Rubino is an internationally acclaimed expert on the topic of self-esteem and a life-changing personal development trainer.
He has personally witnessed the magic that results when couples begin to follow some very simple principles that result in establishing an entirely new tone in their relationship and a new way of seeing, honoring and interacting with each other.
It’s apparent that small changes can turn a troubled relationship around and restore that loving feeling that once existed between two people but somehow became lost in time as bad habits and sloppy communication wreaked havoc, threatening to destroy the love that once seemed so inevitable.
Fidelity: Honoring Your Commitment Rather Than What’s Convenient
In the beginning, when a relationship is new, couples are attracted to each other in a romantic and sexually exciting way. Over time, some of the initial early attraction may fade. In place of the romantic love that initially fueled a relationship, can come a more permanent and lasting form of love that grows with time.
Such enduring love goes far beyond the excitement of a new relationship and is based upon commitment and honoring of each other. It means living by the Golden Rule and treating each other in a way that each partner would wish to be treated themselves.
Love that endures goes far beyond just physical attraction. Such attraction can, of course, continue. But the bond of a lasting relationship is forged by each partners’ commitment to the other person in a much larger way.
Unlike Affair Love, Real Love is an Unselfish Conscious Choice
Acting from commitments within a relationship requires courage and character. One of the most prominent reasons why people fail in their relationships is that one or both partners may act out of what is convenient in the moment rather than in accordance with their commitments.
When they act from a desire to satisfy a new physical attraction or to explore a new relationship that is without the baggage or resentment that can accumulate over time with the same partner, partners sacrifice trust, honor, and commitment for the fleeting excitement or short-lived gratification of a new attraction.
Couples who operate from their rock-solid commitment to each other do not allow themselves to be distracted from the source of their promises – that is their pledge to honor their relationship first and foremost.
By taking such a stand for their relationship with a promise of fidelity to their partner, they are declaring, as an act of courage, their commitment to an ideal, no matter how inconvenient that commitment might become.
By deciding to honor such a commitment to their partner, they are, in effect, deciding to trust themselves in the moment of decision to do the “right” thing. With respect to many of life’s tougher decisions, this looks like acting in alignment with what serves one most rather than what may be more convenient or comfortable to do.
Partners who act out of their principles rather than out of what might be most convenient for them to do at that particular time operate from a ruthless commitment on their part to being clear about what they are really most committed to – their relationship, vision, goals, and principles rather than to taking the easy way out.
It’s up to them to decide which is more important every time an opportunity comes up in which they can either act in a way that honors their relationship or in a way that provides them with what feels exciting or expedient at the time.
This critical moment of decision, “The Y of the Relationship” is the “fork” in the road requiring a partner to make a courageous choice in the moment of a difficult decision.
Doing what is convenient…or…Remaining faithful to a promise
Taking the easy way out…or…Doing the right thing
Doing what feels good…or…Honoring commitments
Looking good…or…Telling the truth
Being liked or popular…or…Remaining true to one’s partner
Selling out a partner…or…Acting for the benefit of the relationship
Each partner is at the fork in the road, when an opportunity to make a decision regarding whether to honor a commitment or do what is convenient.
Partners who have already decided to take the path that honors their relationship will not be put into a dilemma when the opportunity to make a decision on any difficult life issue arises.
The decision to take the “right” path is one that each partner will be required to make each time a new situation arises that tests their commitment and courage. This difficult challenge is never handled but must be chosen anew each time another opportunity presents itself.
A faithful partner decides time and again to act from their commitments, and in so doing, they will strengthen the muscle of being able to trust themselves to be counted upon.
Empowered relationships are those in which each partner exercises their personal power as a result of their courageous and never ending declaration to act from the perspective of their commitments to their values and to their partner and the honoring of the relationship.
Empowering Yourself: An Essential Part of Healing from Infidelity
Consider the following…
1) Gain clarity on what your commitments are to your partner and to the relationship so you are not forced to act out of what feels good or is convenient to do in a weak moment.
Notice in particular each time you are about to choose NOT to take the path of courage that aligns with the best interests of your relationship. Commit mentally to making the tough decisions anyway, no matter how inconvenient they may be.
2) Become clear about what the costs are should you fail to choose the path of courageous commitment to your partner and relationship rather than to doing what you feel like doing that would dishonor your promise.
3) If you have acted in the past in a way that has violated your partner’s trust, decide to learn from your mistakes, recommit to taking the courageous path that champions your relationship in the future.
Dr. Rubino is the CEO of The Center for Personal Reinvention, an organization committed to the personal excellence and empowerment of all people. He is known for his groundbreaking work in personal and leadership development, building effective teams, enhancing listening and communication skills, life and business coaching and optimal life planning.
18 replies to "Honoring Your Commitment"
Oh how painful it is today to read this article! The miracle I wanted did NOT happen, my CS NEVER wanted to try to save/fix/repair/renew OUR friendship/marriage!!!!!!!!
I came to a Divorce settlement agreement with my CS today! I was tired of the hurt that I was & she was inflicting on each other & Everyone else involved! I had Enough! I wanted it over & I finally had to Let Go of the material things & the money that We were fighting about. These things meant NOTHING to me!!!!!!!! They can easily be replaced!
What we have lost & are now going to lose forever can NEVER be replaced!!!!
Honor, Committment, Respect, Friendship, Family & MOST OF ALL LOVE FOR EACH OTHER!!!!!!!! I would GLADLY give up ALL of the material things & ALL of the money if it could/would save OUR relationship/marriage!!!!
In the end one has to ask is this furniture/money REALLY what I want & need or does one show grace & compassion & just let it go???????
The Disappointment is overwhelming! Disappointment with oneself! Disappointment with the CS! Disappointment for all the family members! Disappointment for friends! Disappointment for your Son & his family! The disappointment of how the CS ended/killed/destroyed Our relationship/marriage! Most of all the disappointment that the CS did NOT remain true to herself!!!!!!!
There is NO JOY, ONLY DISAPPOINTMENT!!!!!!!!!!
PEACE TO ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m right there with you betrayedchump.
We’re in the ‘dividing up the fortune’ (fortune lol) phase and it if weren’t for the kids, I’d probably just let her have everything and walk away. I will make more money. I’ve always made enough to get by whether working for someone else or self-employed. I really don’t give a flying crap about the money. it’s not about the money or the possessions. They are meaningless. What has meaning is 20 years of memories, love and so much more that she just decided to throw away. All lost? No, I don’t think so. As much as it hurts, even now I look back at some of our great times and can’t help but smile. Then I look at who she is now, and that’s what really hurts.
By the way, you aren’t a chump. I’d be pleased if you’d change your login name!
I feel so sorry for both of you guys cuz there are woman out there who would never do this to you.
overwhelmed:
I am sorry that you are where I am/was in your relationship/marriage. It is something I do NOT wish upon anyone after living through this NIGHTMARE myself!!!! You are lucky to be able @ this point in time to be able to look back & smile? I am NOT able to do that yet & I really hope that I will be able to someday! Yes you are right it really, really hurts to look @ our X’s & see what they have decided they needed to make them & only them happy! It is sad for sure! The Best to you & ALL of us who are living our own NIGHTMARES!!!!!!!!!
PEACE TO ALL!!!!!!
Broken2:
Thanks I like so many others here THOUGHT I had found, fell in love with & married a woman who would NEVER do this to me! It just goes to show that you really do NOT truely know someone especially if they do NOT want you to know the REAL THEM?
PEACE TO ALL!!!!!!!!
Betrayedchump, my heart goes out to you, I’m so sorry. I do hope you are ok, I hope god gives you much strength to move forward out of this pain and sorrow quickly. Hugs to you.
Overwhelmed, I am also so sorry for you too, I too hope god gives you much strength.
I hope you both find much happiness, I know some lucky lady will catch your hearts, and you will catch hers, as you both deserve this happiness.
As for me, I am moving back on the weekend, to my home. I am so very nervous, I have such mixed feelings, I am happy that we will be together, but there is just such painful memories too, which has me has me trying to gather as much strength as possible to overcome this fear of moving back to all the heartache
I guess , I am expressing my commitment to my h. Like I have ever since we married.
I have relatives that want to come and visit, my h side, and I feel a tightness in my chest, when i think about it, they all know my h ow, so I just wonder what stories will end up filtering back to the ow. Of course she will be in her glee, when she finds out that I have gained weight back, and feeling very unattractive to say the least. So I am also quite nervous on seeing people that I know, because I expect them to look at me and say, well she gained the weight again, no wonder he left her to begin with, and no wonder he ended up in the arms of ow. Here is hoping I don’t see her face aroundd anyway, I would feel a lot better if I didn’t.
So the big move arriving, and I am so not ready. So much packing, so much to do. I was more excited about moving where I am now, than what I am moving back home. Go figure…
BULLSHIT! Yes, bullshit.
Don’t feel down about yourself because you’ve gained some weight. If that matters to your husband, really truly matters, than he is not worth your time.
My wife-ish lost over 60 lbs in the past 2 years. I asked her one day if she really felt that soul mate #1 would have even given her a second glance when she was 5’2″ and 175 lbs. I think not. Yet all that time, all the “having kids” weight gains mattered not to me. She was as attractive as ever. Because it was her heart, her soul, her being I loved.
So Bullshit. If they want to tell stories about your physical self, well “F” them. Then obviously don’t know who YOU are, and obviously don’t care to know. So they are not worth your time.
Overwhelmed, you are too kind. To be completely honest with you, my h has never been upset with my weight, has always loved me for me. That was until his ow came into the picture, then I was told even though I had lost so much weight through the stress, that I still needed to lose more. Yet then I ended up developing a thyroid condition that has affected me greatly with losing weight, no matter what I did, the weight just kept coming back. Since the affair is over, he tells me that I am perfect the way I am, that he has always loved me and how I look, that he has never had a problem. Yet those words he said to me during his delusional days, just ring in my ears, knowing she was thinner, and ohh how she must have used it as a way of trying to get him away from me. (Secretly though, I think to myself, ” I may be on the chubbier side, but I was still able to beat her at her own game and save my family” how she must feel about herself, knowing she tried to use her looks and still failed.)
Yet it still doesn’t make me feel any better, because deep down now, I will always wonder, if he is truly happy with me the way I am. Yet, half the time I just don’t care anymore, because if he was so shallow then he isn’t the man I know and love.
SR:
Thank you & I hope & pray that God gives you ALL the strength, courage, peace & grace that you need to get back home & renew your relationship/marriage!!!!
I am reeling today,I sent X a text asking if X wanted to place a joint call to OUR son Thursday morning to let him know the Divorce was final or if X wanted to do individual calls to him? I get no reply so I drive buy OUR house to see if she is @ work. As I drive up to house, her NEW SUITOR is weed whipping her lawn????????? She is trimming a rosebush, so I wait in truck for her to look around, she sees me, I shake my head, she turns back to trim rosebush & I drove off. She told attorney’s that she was scared of me & did not want me in OUR house to take my possessions out but she is comfortable enough to turn her back on me in the yard??????? New Suitor did not see me so I could flip him off????? We have NOT even signed the settlement agreement yet let alone the Divorce decree & she has him @ her/my house?????????? I was PISSED!!!!!!!!!!
I drive by OUR house 3 hours later, they are both in her/my house, looked like she had showered, looked like he also showered in her/my house????????????? REALLY, SERIOUSLY, THE INK IS NOT EVEN ON THE DIVORCE PAPER YET LET ALONE DRY?????????? I drove by her/my house again @ 5:00 am, his truck was gone, house is dark,drove by his house & his wife (he is in middle of divorce #2 also) is dropping off their kid to him. I tried to show grace & compassion Monday to her to reach a settlement & give her everything she wanted for her to just HURT & BREAK MY HEART AGAIN?????????????? AAARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
PEACE TO ALL
Betrayedchump, I’m so sorry, what a hide of her. Please I want you to stop torturing yourself, I know what that is like, your exw will do what she wants, she got what she wanted, and is not caring about your well being. So please you need to look out for yourself, get the attorney help in getting you in the house to remove your things. I want you to go out and enjoy yourself, you need to find your happiness, you need to show your exw, that yes she is out of your life, but you are not pining over her. You show her that you can find your happiness without her, you deserve this happiness, not what your exw is dishing out. Find yourself a woman that Is deserving of you, and I know when you find that new love and happiness your exw will have her interest in your new life peaked, as she will see you happier than you have ever been with her.
I do hope all goes well when you break the news to your son.
Thankyou too, I do feel I need all the strength I can get, but right now you need the strength more than I do.
Hugs to you.
If your h sister laid her head on your husbands chest, or your h fed her a chip that he had half eaten into her mouth would you find it uncomfortable, like it is inappropriate ?
I have told my h that I don’t think it is right, for his sister to lean on him that way, or him even give her a chip he had half eaten and put it in her mouth.
I can’t imagine ever doing this to my brothers.
This sister of his, hasn’t grown up with him, and she has only just arrived here a few months ago, and her relationship with her h she has told him is more like housemates. Yet it concerns me that she is trying to get that comfort from my h. She is 34, and has started to lean on my h, and it is like he is substituting his need for being a hero to his cousin, to now in his sister and her children. Now I would have a problem with him being there for his sisters, but leaning her head on his chest as she lays across a lounge just seems wrong. He thinks it is just comforting her, giving her the comfort her husband doesn’t provide, and being her brother he will be there, when she needs it.
I told him the chip feeding, seemed like another thing lovers would do, not what sister and brothers would do. It was only one chip, he said he wanted her to eat something because she wouldn’t, so thought if it came from him she would. Wtf…..
I’m so tired of how he falls for one thing to another. Even his daughters felt, he loved his sister and her family more then them yesterday after a day out and his niece wouldn’t leave him alone, and he lapped it up. He also likes to brag that his family (his niece and his sister love him so much, they don’t like to leave him alone). As far as I’m concerned his children should not have felt that, so u told him last night how bad he made our children feel, after he noticed our daughters were upset after we arrived home.
He never thought anything of it until I mentioned it.
Sorry that was supposed to say, I wouldn’t have a problem with him being there for his sisters.
I agree, Strength, that is strange behavior, especially since they have only known each other a few months. I’m really thinking if you can avoid the entire family it might be best. I’ve never done anything like that with any relative.
Giz, no Hun, they have known each other, just not grown up with each other. He feels he now needs to look after her because her h us so lousy. Luckily I haven’t seen her lay her head on his chest, but he told me. Yet the chip thing, he didn’t think it was that basbecause it’s his sister. Yet because he hasn’t grown up, actually lived with her he doesn’t think it odd. He has always done it with his kids, and as he is older than her is probably wanting to make up for lost time and in a way acting more like a father figure in that respect.
I made a point that it is not right, hopefully he sees it now, and yes is there for all his sisters but settle down with the comforting. There other sister never did this. This sister tells him about all of her problems, health issues etc.
I know it is nothing but innocent, thank god, but him wanting to be a good brother, but I want him to realise that it is just a bit much. Her h said to her, as she always hangs off my h, and after she was resting her head on his chest, you never do that to me.
I told him that day how it wasn’t right, I don’t blame her h getting upset with her.
Somehow I don’t think he will see it in the same light now that I explained to him, so we will see.
However after our conversation last night, I know that if he had to choose between his family, or me, he said he wouldn’t choose. Not that I would ever put that on him, as I’m glad he has his sisters near him, now. Yet after me in reality choosing my marriage and my relationship over my family, as he is important to me, and I wanted my family to stay together, my children deserved that from me, I just don’t believe that he would do the same.
Just does not make me feel safe, although I do like his sisters, he is just a sucker for being sucked in to becoming someone’s hero.
I love him, but at times I think my love is not as strong for him as it was. I wonder if i will start feeling better about things, as the move has put a lot of pressure on my mind, and it hasn’t helped things after what he said.
SR – My H only began to understand boundaries when our therapist pointed it out to him in therapy and even then it took several more years for him to have “normal” boundaries with the opposite sex. Like your H he always wanted to be seen as someone’s hero – he needed admiration of any type everyday. Unfortunately my sister is the same way – needing admiration and attention daily. She would always ask my H to give her back rubs and in return give them to him. It use to irk the hell out of me but he would blow me off. Well after d-day that was a big condition on moving forward. NO more exchange of massages with my sister. (As far as my sister, she’s a firm believer in gratification at whatever cost.) He also would have his mother rub and scratch his head and neck while they watched tv. The way she would rub his head and neck was more like a lover than a loving mother. It was creepy. He stopped that on his own after discovering his mother’s issues in therapy.
IMO there seems to be a clear lack of understanding boundaries in his family. I’m not trying to knock your H – like mine he just may have never been taught or modeled a healthy form of love and how it differs depending on the relation of the individual. I think it may help you if a third party can talk with him or if you can find some on topic literature about boundaries.
BTW hope the move is proving beneficial!!!
Fcol, thanks for that, I hate how my h always has to be someone’s hero. It drives me nuts. I do like that he likes to help people, but what he doesn’t see is unless it is his brothers/sisters mother/father, they will take advantage of him, and he finds out later. They always drop him once they got what they wanted, until the next time they decide they need something else. I would love to see him just to focus on us, his wife and kids for a change, and stop trying to fix everyone else’s problems.
The move, I’m still trying to get myself back into the swing of things, but it’s hard when the memories keep flooding back every time I go somewhere. I’m happy to have my h home every night, my kids are happy and I feel better that he is home to see them, they need him. I know he needs them. My neighbour told me the other day how she sees my h is looking a lot better compared to when we moved, she is right, he does.
I apologize, Strength, I misread your comment. Your husbands family does seem to have an unusual dynamic, I’ll just leave it at that. It may be affecting his boundaries with the opposite sex in a negative way. I’m not saying it’s wrong, it’s just unusual to me .
Thanks you all, I had another talk to my h, and I’m glad I did, because I had it in my head seeming worse than what it was. She laid her head on his chest for like a minute or less, wasn’t long, I guess I can deal with that. Probably because her h said something to her. Lol.
He explained abit more about the chip thing, as I even told him she looked embarrassed, he said that’s what he wanted, was to embarrass her, typical brother.
I think for me, anything gets to me since his ea/pa. He is though more closer to this sister than his other sister, the other one is more shy, this one has a more the opposite. So he has a bit more fun with her.
For me as well, I think I just keep my eyes open, my ears open and just don’t want to be pushed to the side any longer. Been there done that, always sitting back letting him do what he wants because he works so hard, he now has me in his face when I don’t like something. Not sure he likes it, but tough, he created this new me.
It’s funny, because when his niece was in the car with us, out of the blue she said to my h ” you are so lucky to have Strengthrequired” It actually shocked me, because she doesn’t know me, the first time we had met.
My h told me, that she has seen how he was without me, and now she has seen how I am with you, and she sees that you make me happy.
Like a lot of you, I go through times, that I want to believe that my h would never hurt me ever again, I want to believe that I can trust him wholeheartedly again, but right now, I can’t. I’m not ready. At times I just think I can’t feel like this anymore and just want to go my own way, but I know I can’t. My children need both of us, and I know I have to give my h a chance of proving himself to me on a more full time basis, not like it has been since before the move back. I know I am still trying to forget all the memories that have flooded back since I have moved back, that stops me from seeing clearly. I can’t believe how sad I have been feeling since my move back, it’s strange.
Thankyou again everyone, I’m glad I did talk properly to my h, and have him explain abit better, doesn’t seem as bad as what I thought. What I was thinking was more ewwwwwww, wtf way