Regardless of the things that have happened, here is my “I am proud of my husband” list.

I am proud of my husband

By Linda

One of our readers who comments frequently on this blog really opened my eyes this week.  I have been focusing on my own pain and healing from infidelity.  Yet I have been blind to how much Doug has grown in all this process. 

I felt that I owe him some recognition because he does get beat up by the questions on our web site,  and then I continue to pound him about his answers after I get home.  So I decided to write one of  my now almost famous lists. So here is my “I am proud” list:

I am proud of my husband because he had the strength to pull away from the addiction of an affair and commit to saving his marriage and keeping our family intact.

I am proud of my husband because he had the decency to admit he made  mistakes and the courage to make the changes that were needed to save our marriage.

A Journey of Healing and Support

I am proud of my husband because he has spent so much time and research developing this web site.  As a result of his hard work, I have received the support of so many wonderful people – and have the opportunity to help others as well. Healing from infidelity has been much easier as a result.

I am proud of my husband because he has grown  these last six months. When I look at his earlier posts compared to the recent ones, I realize how much soul searching and self exploration has occurred.  It takes a special man to acknowledge that he is not perfect and has  made mistakes in his life.

See also  Coping With Grief and Loss After Infidelity

Acknowledging the Effort and Renewed Love

I am proud of my husband because he is the only person who could help me heal from all this pain and he stepped up to the challenge.  He has always tried to be patient, caring and compassionate.

I am proud of my husband because even though his mind was somewhere else, he never forgot he was a father, and never relinquished his devotion to his children.

I am proud of my husband because he has tried so hard to make it up to me.  Even knowing in his heart that he  truly will never  be able to do that.  It still doesn’t keep him from trying.

I hope from this post that my husband will know how much I love and care for him.  Our marriage has received a “wake up call.”  Not the kind I asked for.  But none the less one that has made our marriage everything I have ever wanted.

Healing from infidelity has been difficult, and at times I have been very angry and disappointed with Doug.   But today I realized that there are so many qualities about him that I appreciate and admire.  And even though our love lay dormant for a time, I feel that our love is stronger than ever.  I suppose I have the affair and our dedication to each other to thank for that.

“It is not the things we want and don’t get that are the source of our greatest tests and trials-it is the things we do get that we did not want and never expected.”

Barbara DeAngelis  author of “How Did I Get Here?”


    33 replies to "I Am Proud of My Husband"

    • michael

      I hope one day to be able to do a list similar to this one. As for now I am still in phases of trusting my wife. I’m am still weary of where she is in her mind. We still don’t talk about it to the extent you and doug have.

      It is still fresh in my mind the recent lie that resulted from an omission of facts. So is there still things I don’t know. I’m sure there are. Is there anything I should know. I hope not. But she still doesn’t love me enough to be completely honest with me.

      Sure I ask about her feeling and I get the answers that should make me feel better. Answers that I’m sure she thinks are the ones I want to hear. But with my lack of trust for her words, and the complete reversal of what she said she felt just a few months ago, they don’t feel completely honest.

      I asked, Last Week, for her to do something to make me feel better about one of her answers. She said she would, because she loves me that much. That was last week and I still haven’t seen her do it. Did she forget because my feelings are not worth her undivided attention. Is it because she is too busy with one thing that always comes before me in our life “her work”. Or is it because it would expose yet another lie.

      I hope that one day I will be able to share how proud of my wife I am for similar reasons but Unfortunately that day is not today.
      I can say today.

      I am proud of my wife in that as much as she wanted to follow in her mothers footsteps and run away, she didn’t. She stayed.
      I am proud that she chose to stay for her children.

    • Donna J

      What a powerful thing you all are doing.

      You are showing people how to live the love that we claim to have.

      Forgiving AND forgetting is an integral part of living out our love for one another.

      Though this particular challenge of an emotional affair doesn’t apply to our marriage, like all couples, we have had other challenges that have strongly impacted us.

      Thanks for sharing, Doug and Linda.

      God bless you and yours. Shalom!

      • admin

        Thank you so much Donna J!

    • Last2know

      Linda, your awesome. H and I had a long discussion last night in the jacuzzi drinking wine (it’s harder for him to escape communication time that way) but I have been telling about you and Doug and what I ask about and the responses I get and it gets his attention. So it all helps me use this forum as a segway into discussion for us. I have to say it is going extremely well.

      • admin

        Last2know, or anyone else with input. I have a question for you. Are there days when the reality of it all hits you like a ton of bricks and a wave of sadness washes over you? I am having one of those days. Today started off wonderful and Doug and I were out running errands, kidding each other and really getting along. Then it hit me, is this the way it was for them and I couldn’t let it go. I asked Doug, and he got frustrated and wouldn’t answer because he said I was putting him in a no win situation because I already knew the answer. He was right I did know that answer and that is why it bothered me so much, I was feeling insecure and needed reassurance from him unfortunately he wasn’t able to do this. Now the feeling of wanting to run away from the pain, the hopelessness of the situation, the wanting him to be happy and go with her consumes me. I hate feeling this way. I wonder and worry why Doug has a hard time telling me even though it was that way with her it is better with me, or that he knows that wouldn’t have lasted with them or something to reassure me. He has trouble doing this and because of that difficulty I wonder if this is where he really wants to be. Am I being crazy, does this happen to you? I am asking too much from Doug? If so what do you do about it?

        • Broken2

          Linda…sometimes I do the same thing and my hubby responds the same way or just gets mad about the whole thing coming up again. I believe they do owe us an immediate answer but I know sometimes I don’t get one. My husband always comes back later and answers or reassures me. I dont know why Doug would have a problem answering your questions perhaps he doesn’t want to add to your pain. Sometimes I think men dont realize how easy it would be to stop the pain with a few words or a hug. I usually try and let it go if I can…somedays I am able to do that somedays it takes a long time. Dont be so hard on yourself…you have come along way. There will be days like this…even weeks. Just know they will pass.

          • Linda

            Broken2, I think that you bring up a good point about not wanting to add to my pain. Thankfully, that post was written over 2 years ago -back when he was still somewhat stupid :-). I appreciate your reply and hopefully some men will read it!

    • michael

      I have those days. Sometimes its just hours. But I do. We have such a busy life with the kids sports, like today. We are at the park for a tournament, all day 7 – 9. And have to go home to make food for the morning. And at it again all day sunday. What a life we give to out kids. But what about us. When do we have time for us.

      I have those days a lot because we don’t talk about what happened and she does little to reassure me. And I do little to drag things out of her. I just continue to do what I can to show her I’m here. And I am here for her. But I get tired of telling her what she can do for me and her giving excuses why she can’t.
      And then letting it go. Stirring in my head.

      Does she love me enough. Am I worth her time. Is her love for him greater than she has for me.
      If you haven’t guessed it I’m feeling lonely today.

      • admin

        I understand how you feel, I have those days too. I know that it is frustrating that your relationship is not progressing as quickly as you would like and that you are losing patience and are unsure how long you can keep this up. I feel the best advice to give you is to continue to thinking about yourself and continue to focus on what is important to you right now and that is providing a stable and loving environment for your family. Eventually your wife will begin to trust that the changes you have made are real and that you truly love and care for her. It took Doug a very long time to finally begin to trust that my changes were real and to realize that he was just as responsible for the problems in our marriage as I was. During the affair Doug had someone who constantly told him that he was OK, that he was not responsible for the problems in his marriage and that he deserved to be selfish. I believe it took Doug a long time to really look at himself, at the affair for what it really was and to stop being selfish. He thought ending it was enough and he didn’t have to think about it. During that time I had to be very patient, attempt to keep myself busy and remind myself why I was doing this, and that was to save our marriage and keep our family together.

    • Last2know

      Yes, your crazy. I thiink you were having an extra down day. My H is a concealer, he also has amnesia and gets like Doug. I believe Doug just wants to be happy with you again and you two re- live this everyday with this site. If he didn’t want to be with you he wouldn’t be whether it was her or any other women. I have to tell myself all the time “it happened, it was what it was and I can’t change that”. If you feel happy when your with him and you both are connected again you have to tell those feelings “not
      now” “I am having too good a time with the love of my life”. I think you know that your relapsing when that happens and you have to be conscious of what that feeling is and you need to kill it when it happens. Dont give her that power or energy. Focus on Doug and transform that to positive energy directed toward him. If Doug told you what your asking he would be comparing and he did enough of that during the EA. You can’t compare an illusion to reality.

    • michael

      Great advise. I’m happy to know it isn’t just me. And when I look close its only been three months from when she said she decided to stay for the kids and brake ties with him. So I’m not as worried because at first I heard Doug say that he began right away. And from your words I can tell it took time.
      It makes me feel a whole lot better.

    • michael

      I want to ask you about guilt and fear.
      I have not been the most loving this weekend because of how I felt. I told my wife I was sorry for this and still feel guilt for doing it. And I wanted to ask you about this.
      My wife has said she feels bad for hurting me and wonders why this has happened to her. But we didn’t get much further than that.
      We haven’t talked face to face about our feelings.
      You have mentioned that you disclosed things in chunks. That you kept things inside for what ever reason. And that openly talking about it together has helped with the trust issue. I’m still having trust issues.

      So here it goes… Was guilt a major part of why you didn’t tell her everything? Or was it fear that she would be more upset at the time?
      Guilt for what you have done. Guilt for what you have felt. Guilt for not doing more. Guilt for telling her too much. Guilt for the feelings you had. Guilt for the feeling you still have.
      Fear that you would loose what mattered to you. Fear that your life would be impacted by Linda’s resolutions. Fear that you would not be the center of her world when you needed someone like that. Fear that she would loose interest in you.

      Is this guilt and fear so strong that it hindered you ability to give Linda what she needed when she needed it? And does that guilt and fear still linger. I don’t expect you to be totally honest with me. I’m not married to you. But I need to know if that could be a reason for my wifes slow progress.

      • admin

        Michael, Good question, and I have no problem being totally honest with you. I don’t think guilt played any role in why I didn’t tell Linda everything at once. Sure I felt guilty for the pain I had caused her and for what I was doing behind her back, but I think 2 reasons attributed to me being less than forthright: I didn’t want to hurt Linda anymore than I already had. Seeing someone who I’ve been with for so long be in the amount of pain she was in was not easy. And secondly, I think the fear that I would lose the things that mattered most to me played a huge part in it as well. The kids, family, friends, and yes my marriage to Linda etc. There was also the fear of the unknown. What if Linda kicked me out? Where would I go? How would I make it financially? How would our kids react? etc. In hindsight, I should have just let it all loose at once and gotten it over with. The repairing of trust would have been much easier.

        At this point the guilt still lingers but the fear does not. Sometimes Linda gets emotional and thinks I need to go away for awhile (Like this weekend). But I know this is a temporary thing with her and it soon goes away–usually within hours. But at this point in our relationship, though we still work on communication each day, we have learned (me especially) that total transparency is essential. You cannot have fear if you are to be transparent.

    • michael

      I think the fear of putting her in more pain is hard to hear. I would rather my wife take ownership of what she did and take the consequences.
      She owes herself the feelings she has. If she was feeling so unloved that she sought love elsewhere don’t hide it. Tell me what she felt. What’s the worst that could happen, she would feel unloved? She was already there. And we came back from there.
      I think it comes back to the selfish thing. She wanted me to love her. Take care of her. Take care of the kids. She didn’t get the love she wanted. So she found an old love that could and did give her attention. And I gave her the rest.
      So now that I was going to disrupt the other parts of our marriage, she was at risk of only having the attention from him. At the price of all of my security. And the support of our family. So does she still miss the attention. Does she still have feelings for him. 19 years of history don’t just go away in a day. I know this. I know this first hand.
      But its what you chose to do with those feelings that determines your character and morality. She told me enough to shatter my life on that first day. And we came back from there. What can be worse than that I ask?

    • annie

      I’m dealing with the same as all of you, im the one that commented the wrong…and now my husband wants to leave me, be distant.

      I dont want him to go…

    • annie

      i feel so empty inside…i dont want to the most important person om my life…we tried to heal..this is month 4 of trying to deal with how I betrayed my husband…my family, his trust and deep love for me all these 11yrs…i dont want him to leave but he says he needs to so he can figure out if this is what he truly wants. If he leaves, I know this will be over …forever… I dont want to give up, I want to fight for his love and trust back..I dont know if I should let him go..and take the chance of him never returning or try to get him to stay…and work at it..we’ve tried ….but …here we are. He wants to leave…I dont want him to leave. My thoughts are so flustered right now..I just want to save my marriage and have him in my life for the rest of our lives…i dont know what else to do..where to go..who to talk to …i dont want to lose my husband and my family..

      • admin

        Hi Annie, Thanks for commenting, and welcome. Can you give us a little more background of your situation so we can better offer some ideas? Most experts will tell you that as you suggest, it is not a good idea for one of the spouses to leave if the goal is to work on saving your marriage.

    • At that point..

      If only these where my wifes words to me. I would be a much happier person. I have gotten to that point where you say your husband is. I don’t know where to go from here. And I also don’t want to loose my family.
      I think she is at the same frustrated point that you are. And maybe you and her don’t know where to go and what to do. I wish I could give you the answers you need. But at the point I am at, I have told her, showed her and tried everything I could think of. I don’t see her at the point where she will do anything to save us. Where are you at?
      Your time line is very similar to us and I see what your saying in her. I’m not sure how much you have tried. Or how much you have talked about what happened to him. Or talked about what feelings led you there and what feelings are still there. After the affair, not during, did you take ownership of what happened and explain why it did, and then apologized for it. He needs all the information to make the best decision for your healing together.
      I still see my wife blaming herself for what happened. She has all these feelings that she doesn’t know what to do with. And she just wants things to go away and not be there. So in her hiding these things from me she shuts me out and doesn’t let me be the husband I should be. Her rock in a storm of feelings. Her foundation to build a new us. And her best friend, to share in the good and bad.
      We have, like you have, worked on us for a little less than 4 months and she is still where she was before she had the affair. And I am back to feeling shut out, worried, and backed into a corner. So what would your advise to me be? If I were your husband.

    • maryanna

      Guys & Gals,
      I’m going through something similar myself at the moment. Married 23 years and only found out 3 months ago via a text message – what a devestating way to find out. I know it only happened once. I had my suspicions at the time. This “whore” did everything she could to trap him. He was working at her house at the time, from wearing low cut tops to jumping out of the shower when he was around the bathroom area, I don’t need to go into any greater detail, you can all use your imagination, funny thing is that he couldn’t perform. If you keep putting chocolate in front of someone eventually they will have to try a piece. SHE had the cheek to write to me a couple of months ago BUT she did not apologise for her actions – she’s a sick individual. My husband has no idea what or who he was at the time – it was like she had him drugged. He’s a good guy and she was and still is having martial problems – I’m not surprised – shes the type of woman that gives the rest of us a bad name. I’m not saying that its easy but we’re working through it, its a deep wound but it will heal. United we stand, divided we fall. You’re all in my prayers

      • admin

        Maryanna, thanks for the comment, and welcome. Sorry to hear of all that you have gone through, but good to know you are working through it.

        • maryanna

          Thanks Admin, I admit that its not easy but I’m getting there slowly, I know exactly what Michael is going through, the shut out feeling is the worst ever but his wife is ashamed of what she’s done I guess and wants to blank it all out and in doing so is shutting out Michael who most likely feels inadequate himself after all the trauma. She definitely needs to talk, they both need to talk and the only way they will come through this traume is to talk together and listen to each other. Its very hard being a victim and it almost feels that its Michael’s wife who is the victim and not Michael in this case.

          • michael

            The first time I read this I didn’t know how to take it. But I do know that my wife has been a victim of this. Not to minimize the loss I have suffered from this.
            Weather it be by her own unwillingness to open up to me because of her past. Or the manipulation she allowed herself to be a part of. Or dealing with the personal struggles she has inside. She has fallen victim to all of this.
            As a husband, to have to sit by and watch the woman I love struggle with all of these demons, is heart breaking. I have found an out for my feelings. And several unbiased and biased ears and opinions to deal with my hurt and pain. I have looked for help for my struggles.
            I have hoped a prayed that showing her the things I’ve found, the books I’ve read, and the things that have helped me, that she would look for help for herself. But you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help for themselves. And I have to sit and watch for what will happen next.

    • FeelingGood

      I love this post! My husband had an emotional affair that ended a little over a year ago. This affair was different than many and was caught before it became a much bigger problem, but the reasons behind the affair were the same, so we are dealing with it the same way. And while I’ve gone through many of the same emotions that you describe on this blog, I feel like I am kinda in this “proud” place right now. My husband will NOT let me take any of the blame for what happened, even though I want to ease his pain by taking some of the blame. He has taken complete responsibility, and has been so patient as I deal with my feelings and try to trust him again. And for that, I am very proud. While I’ve lost that ideal picture of my husband and our marriage, I’ve gained a deeper understanding of myself and of my husband. I don’t trust him like I used to, but it’s ok. We can still move on. We can still be happy. I can still praise him for all the good that he is doing. I’m proud of him for becoming humble, and realizing that he is a very imperfect person. And I’m proud of US for sticking through this and trying to find the reasons for the affair.

      Everyone goes through trials, but it’s how you deal with them that matters. We choose to stay together and work through these things. It feels good to be happy again! I really only struggle now when there is a trigger that sets my mind loose to all the feelings that used to haunt me constantly. I’m proud of my husband for being there for me every time a trigger happens.

      My husband has an addictive personality, so these kinds of issues is something we will work to prevent our whole marriage. We will never FORGET the pain and damage this caused, but we will MOVE ON. We will be STRONG. And we will continue to progress.

    • Morgan

      Linda, thank you for being real and honest. I’m a bit perplexed at some of the comments on here—I will never understand why some wives buy into their husbands claim of being a “vicitm” and the OW being the “whore” when things are exposed. My xap pulled that one….and I really wish women would sit back and realize that men make choices on their own without being coaxed to do so. It’s as if MM can crawl back home, shrug their shoulders and say “she made me do it”. It’s a bunch of bull. The more I read about things, the more I see that the wives always take the husband’s side and feel sorry for him. If the MM is that good at manipulating his wife to believe he was a victim and just couldn’t control himself while having an affair…why don’t the wives sit back and wonder what he said to the OW in order to get what he wanted??
      I’m a mother of 4, I love to garden and write, I host parties for my kids sports teams—and I was a woman who cheated. It doesn’t make me a whore or a vixen or someone who chased after some married guy. Why are some wives perspective so off? Why can’t some wives be rational and see it for what it was? I think MM just play on their wives like they play on the OW. Everyone wants to point fingers and go rounds. It is what it is…it was what it was. No one wins. The aftermath is full of nothing but toxins to everyone’s souls and minds and hearts.

      • Robin


        It is so much easier to blame the other person – especially if you are attempting to reconcile with your spouse. Even though I had always thought it was stupid to be angry at someone who owes you nothing (OP), when it happened to me, I reacted in exactly the same way. I am not sure any marriage would survive the days and weeks after D-Day if the BS channeled all of their anger, outrage and grief at their own spouse. In addition, having the person I love most turn to someone else felt like that meant she was better than me – so I was obsessed with finding out who she really was and proving that she was a horrible hypocritical person.

        The other person in my case was not a horrible person – she was just unhappy and lonely. Her husband of 28 years ditched her a few years ago to marry someone 1/2 her age & start a new family. She is a 3rd grade teacher with 2 sons, is very active in a very fundamentalist church, and dates a lot, but her relationships never seem to work out. She is very attractive in a Barbie sort of way, works on her appearance a lot and is very conscious of her age and its impact on her dating life. And then she saw picture of my husband, who she dated 40 years ago, on Facebook and reconnected with him.

        Based on what I have learned from my husband and from her (phone and Facebook messages), I think she looked at my husband and his life and thought -“If only we wouldn’t have broken up – he would have never treated me the way my x did….” She definitely pursued him, and she told him over and over that he was the love of her life, that her life would have been so much better if they had stayed together, that she had always dreamed of him, and the memory of his love had helped her survive the bad times and she had been looking for him for years and was so glad to have found him. You can imagine the effect the praise and love had on a man in a full blown mid-life crisis.

        I think, however – and maybe this is your point, that most betrayed spouses forget or refuse to recognize that the other person is actually a real person with feelings. I think that the other person in my case actually believed (or wanted desperately to believe) all of the things that she told my husband. She is a 53 year old divorcee with 2 grown and married sons who may make her a grandmother at any moment. She wants love and romance and a husband….and she looked at my husband’s life on Facebook and saw herself installed in it. She loved the idea of his profession (he is an archaeologist and works at a university), HE lives in a lovely cabin in the woods, and HIS daughter is beautiful and accomplished and would be the daughter she never had….I was never real to her. When she called me (at my request), she seemed genuinely sorry that I was hurt, but seemed to feel that her prior claim justified their actions – and she told me the same things that she had told him – that he was her soul mate, that they were so much alike they were like the same person, that she had always believed that they should be together….

        Although I don’t know her, we have mutual friends and all are adamant that she is very Christian and very straitlaced and would never do anything that would compromise her principles or “put her wrong in the eyes of God”. I could not figure out how such a person could exchange sexual emails and have phone sex with a man she had not seen or spoken to in 40 years. Even more, how can such a woman spend a weekend having sex with a married man who she has only reconnected with for 10 days — seriously????

        And then I realized – she was as much in the “affair fog” as my husband…I think for her the whole thing seemed like a romance novel and that her dreams of love and passion were finally coming true, so it was OK for her to behave so inappropriately.

        My husband though that he was having a weekend fling with a beautiful, sexually aggressive woman. Instead he found that he was involved with a needy sexually inexperienced woman who thought that on night together meant that they were in a life long committed relationship….and that if they could just sit down with me and explain it, I would let him go so that he could be happy.

        You are so right – no one comes out of an affair experience unscathed. In my case, all of three of us are people with hearts and have been devastated by this experience.

    • Kathy

      Well Morgan, since you are the woman who cheated, you certainly can’t and won’t understand how a wife feels about her husband.

      In my case, there were very serious issues my H was going through of an emotional nature, and I was at fault for some of it. The OW had had her eye on my H for some time, based upon things I know she did and said. When he was at his most vulnerable was when she made her move. She had him believing so many lies, especially about herself. When he finally saw what a lying, manipulative, controlling bitch she really is, he couldn’t get away fast enough! I saw her for what she was, and I had been telling him exactly what she was like, and then he saw it for himself.

      He certainly had a choice, and for that I place the blame squarely on him. But was she a whore vulture who saw him as her victim? She certainly was.

      I don’t care what you do or how many children you have, you are wrong, wrong, wrong, and how DARE you point fingers at the BS’s who are the true victims of you and your kind.

    • Morgan

      Sorry Kathy, but I wasn’t pointing fingers at BS at all…I was simply stating that the BS and the MM always seem to shift all the blame and problems toward the OW. You proved my point and certainly didn’t need to get nasty about it. If it helps you to think of your husbands affair partner as a whore that just made him betray you, then have at it. You give her a lot of credit for something your husband did to you.
      I was completely wrong to have an affair…and I was just trying to show you that I’m a woman w/a heart and a life–not some tramp/bitch/controling whore. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

    • Kathy

      Morgan, I re-read your original post, and it still seems, to me at least, that you are pointing fingers at BS because they are more angry at the OW or OM than at their H or W.

      I’m sorry that you perceived my post as “nasty”. I didn’t think it was at all; I just feel very strongly about this and I won’t mince words in that respect.

      I don’t think my H’s X-AP “made” him do anything. As I said, he had a choice, and for that he is to blame. The reason I’m so angry with her is because she knew he was married, but she took advantage of his vulnerability anyway. I have a problem with that. It’s true, he did not have to respond, but she knew what she was doing too!

      I appreciate that you acknowledge you were wrong to have an affair, and I understand what you’re trying to point out. But to a BS like myself, all your do-good stuff doesn’t matter a hill of beans to a wife whose husband you fooled around with. The X-OW in my case also has kids and is involved in all kinds of stuff, and, in my opinion, it just makes her a great big hypocrite.

      As for the bitch and controlling whore stuff, maybe that does not apply to you. But in my case, when the OW knows he’s married but decides to get involved with him anyway and encourages him to leave his family; when she tells my H he should just have the electricity turned off at our home where our children and his father also live; when she calls him up and makes terrible threats and is almost stalking him after he calls it off…what would you call her?

    • Yuki

      You go, Kathy. In my situation, I do not blame the OW any more than I blame my husband. They are both lying cheats. Whether I can ever really forgive my husband remains to be seen. But I love him still, and my life is so intertwined with his that it is worth the pain and struggle to try to make it work. I will therefore make every effort to do so if he will continue to reciprocate. I don’t have any reason to go through that effort to forgive the OW, and Idon’t intend to. I have let much of the anger towards her go, as that is beneficial to me. But I will continue to call her every name in the book whenever I get the chance. It feels really good.

    • Don

      How can I help my wife heal, when I am the one who caused the pain?

    • Yuki

      Don – my favorite recovery book is “Not Just Friends” by Nancy Glass. It’s an excellent resource. This blog and Jeff Murrah’s blog are also excellent sources. From my perspective, the important, helpful things my husband has done and continues to do:

      1. Be completely transparent. That means completely honest, upfront, no secrets. He brings his work laptop home so I can check the history and his Outlook. He lets me look at his phone so I can check his calls. He comes directly home from work and takes me everywhere with him. I even go on his business trips whenever possible.

      2. Answer and discuss the affair honestly. It’s better to be honest than to try to “spare” her feelings. If you are not honest and complete in your answers, her mind will naturally fill in the blanks with answers that are probably worse than the real thing.

      3. Be reassuring. She will have good days and bad days and times when the pain is overwhelming. I always ask my husband to just hold me and tell me he’s sorry and that he loves me – over and over, each time I need it. I don’t know when I’ll be able to stop asking for that.

      That’s a start. Read through the book and through these websites, and you’ll be better equipped to handle it. Good luck.

    • Joey

      My wife blames herself for my cheating, how can I reassure her that this is a lie, and I was just drawn away in my own lust to commit adultry?
      She is constantly saying she blames herself.
      I have never said anything to make her feel this way, I own my faults and my shortcomings.

      • roller coaster rider

        She needs someone to help her see the big picture. It’s very common for a BS to think ‘if only I had done this or that, or been different’ then the affair wouldn’t have happened. She may not be very strong and she is certainly in a lot of pain. Just like we can’t convince the CS that the ‘love’ they feel is a lie, so it is impossible to convince your wife of the terrible lie, but Linda speaks a lot to the issue of loss of belief in herself as a result of Doug’s betrayal, and maybe if your wife read some of those blogs and how Linda came to the realization that she didsn’t have any reason for blaming herself….Perhaps Doug or Linda could name some of the best of those posts for you to print out for your wife.
        And good for you, Joey, for putting the blame where it belongs.

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