Yesterday I took the day off because Doug and I had doctor’s appointments. Since both of us are now 50 years old, we thought it was time for us each to have a physical. Since our appointments weren’t until later in the day and the kids were in school, we were able to spend a rare weekday alone together. It was quite nice!
At one point we started to talk about the direction we wanted to go with this blog. This conversation was motivated by a recent email exchange with one of our readers. It brought up something that we have been thinking about for a while, but now want to try and put into action.
Perhaps you may have noticed that I have somewhat stepped away from the blog lately. I have done so because it was having a negative effect on my emotions and my recovery. There were times when I would read some of the comments and felt like it was happening to me all over again.
I realized this was not very healthy for me and our marriage because I would attack Doug for something that I had previously accepted and forgiven. I feel that in some ways I am stuck in my affair recovery and need to move beyond the place I am currently at.
So, it seems that we are at a bit of a crossroads…
This will be post number 442 in just under two years. This blog has been a lifesaver for me and Doug in so many ways, but I feel that I am beyond the anxiety, pain and emotions associated with a newly discovered affair and in many ways I have closed my mind and heart to those awful feelings.
I really want to move ahead and I feel that by keeping my mind at that beginning stage of healing after an affair has hindered me from doing so. I want to move ahead and completely heal all the wounds that were caused by the affair. I truly want to put it in the past.
Now before you think the worst…no, we are not closing down this site, nor are we going to stop blogging. However, we are wanting to create a better, more advanced program for healing after an affair.
Honestly there really isn’t much out there for couples who have made it 1 to 2 or more years after an affair. There is plenty of information, books and the like for those who are more in the initial stages of recovery, but how do you keep that going, how to you continue to move in a positive direction?
Any Interest in a higher level of healing?
We have actually had an idea for this for some time, but have not acted on it. Before we do, we want to put it out to all of you and get your opinions and level of interest. We don’t want to waste our time if there is no interest.
Here is our idea. It’s nothing brilliant by any means, but I think that it can help those of us that may feel stuck in our healing after an affair.
We would create a member’s area on this site reserved for people who want to try and work more intensely on their healing and recovery.
I’m thinking that the ideal candidate will be folks who are at least several months removed from D-day and have been working hard at recovery, but seem to have hit a wall. We want people who are serious about healing in a constructive, caring and helpful manner. There will be more of an emphasis on repairing, rebuilding and strengthening your relationship.
More than likely, this will not be for those individuals who are experiencing the intense pain, anger and emotions that exist after recently discovering their mate’s affair. For those individuals, the blog will continue to be a valuable resource.
We are thinking that the member’s area will probably include the following:
- A forum for open discussion. It will have strict guidelines and will be monitored closely.
- Monthly webinars or podcasts with relationship professionals, therapists, authors, etc.
- Monthly group question and answer sessions via conference call.
- A library with articles, resources and essential blog posts – both new and old.
- The ability for members to submit their own articles and/or blogs
And since we want to limit the members to only those serious about healing and would be offering additional premium content and experiences, there will be a monthly investment required.
It would be a very minimal monthly investment of just $9.95 to join. Small enough for everyone to afford, but large enough to keep info-seekers, lookie-loos and venomous individuals away.
So we only want to do this if there’s enough interest.
So we want to know . . .
• What do you think?
• Should we do this?
• Would you be interested?
Your feedback and thoughts are extremely important to us.
And we don’t want to even think about doing this unless there’s enough potential interest.
Anyway, if you have a second, please read the statement below and let us know what you think.
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21 replies to "Healing After an Affair – At a Crossroads"
I like the idea of addressing issues of recovery that are more pertinant to people who are well beyond dday. There are certainly issues unique to those of us dealing with what is now past infidelity that goes beyond just needing to follow recommendations about strengthening the relationship. But I don’t understand how charging for this meets your goal? I find myself wondering – If writing posts and responding to comments ab newly discovered infidelity is the effortful part that you are trying to move beyond, shouldnt you charge for that instead? Shouldn’t the purpose and flow of the blog follow the progression of your recovery with posts focusing on where you are now anyway?
I think there’s also an issue of payment facilitating commitment,which could be dysfunctional- as you move past the affair,frequent blog reading and thinking ab the affair eventually keep your attention directed to it when it might not be helpful to do so (rumination has negative health implications as well). At some point,we need to stop thinking about it, and many of us probably need help with how to move past the thoughts and reminders. Given the later stages of the recovery process,it might be better to encourage less frequent engagement in blogs/websites- I can see that asking people to pay might do the opposite.
Also- will you address how is this membership option different from the affair recovery group?
Liz, thanks for your feedback. We appreciate it. You bring up a lot of good points for us to consider. This member site idea would be very much different from the Affair Recovery Group (ARG) as ARG deals with issues associated more with the early stages of affair discovery and recovery. It deals with the fantasies, forgiveness, the affair fog, obsessive thoughts and building trust. This new group would go beyond that based on assumptions that the members are past those initial issues. Thanks again!
Linda and Doug: I’ve been thinking all morning why I come back to this site almost every day to read the posts even though I’m 1 1/2 years post-D-day and doing reasonably well in reinventing my marriage. I too get some negative feelings from some posts – maybe mini triggers – and the posts often generate questions for my H that I know he hates. So why do I keep reading (and posting once in a while)?
(1) I don’t want to leave any stone unturned in reinventing my marriage. I am not completely healed by any means yet, and I do still get wonderful insights once in a while from this site that makes a lightbulb go off in my head
(2) I am so touched by the stories of infidelity on this site – I feel the pain and anger – I guess I feel like a cheerleader from the sidelines for every BS posting on here even though all I can really do is pray for their situations.
(3) I feel encouraged by the posts of marriages being restored (although I prefer the term reinvented) – it helps me keep my positive attitude about my 27 year marriage and that it’s worth it to hang in there on those bad days.
That being said, I completely understand your desire to back away a bit from this blog – I cannot imagine having to come up with posts so often, and many of the stories are extremely heart-wrenching and difficult to read. Perhaps you could just post a different topic for each week and let the posters provide the content. Perhaps break the site up a bit into time periods of infidelity – 1 day to 6 months D-day; 7 months to 2 years D-day, etc. I like the subject categories also so one can find answers on specific issues they are struggling with at that time. I know all this takes time on your parts in reading all messages and categorizing them, etc. So I think you should charge a yearly fee for use of this site (searching by subject or length of time since
D-day and for posting, asking you or Doug a question and getting a specific answer). If someone wants to just read posts that are chronologically listed, then they would not be charged. Just a thought.
I appreciate you both so much.
Karen, you always have such great things to say. We do appreciate you very much as well! You offer some good food for thought as usual!
Linda, very interesting, I agree with everything you said, I was wondering myself about whether running this site may be stalling your progress, I sometimes wonder if participating so often stalls mine, and I am going to try to rely less on it, but I do need to let it out from time to time, and realise I do need somewhere, someone to help me “feel normal” from time to time.
I also feel that I understand your need to “screen” members, and that only those who are REALLY recovering, and wanting to move forward, further out from D day, but, like liz, feel that a membership fee will be off putting for most. That is not to say I don’t understand the hours you two put into maintaining the site as it is currently, and that it is unrealistic to assume you want to continue to do this, gratis, forever, particularly if it isn’t in your best interests for continued personal growth.
Thanks, though, and good luck with your venture should you continue with it 🙂
Thanks Paula for your input. We appreciate all that you contribute as well. You have surely helped many others with your many posts.
I’ve had the same feeling for myself on this blog. I’m only 5 months out, but I have a distinct need to pull away at times. I unsubscribe from all the emails coming into my inbox, and take a break. Sometimes, the painful, angry, hurt is too much to take (not that I don’t understand it!!) and can quickly bring back the hurt or more questions or leave me a bit down. But I think the positives far outweigh the negatives and usually I am back on my hard days, or checking in to see the new post topics and recent comments. I have received much strength from others farther down the road or even newer people that have so much hope and faith that I sometimes lose.
I like the idea of a place more on positive, relationship building and moving forward. Less anger and hurt. But the monthly fee would hold me back from joining. Maybe a yearly fee? Or less of a monthly fee? Although, I know it takes time and energy for you guys, not holding it against you for charging, but just letting you know, financially, that would hold me back.
Holding On, I understand what you’re saying and can appreciate your position. However, I don’t think that $9.95/month is too much to ask for a commitment. Heck, that’s only about 33 cents per day – or a 12 -pack of cheap beer! Thanks for your input and all of your contributions!
I too have thought from time to time that maybe checking in here brings up negative feelings, but I feel that I’ve had just as many if not more positive experiences and takeaways from this site. For the purposes of this proposed group, instead of using # of months/years from D-day, what about using # of months/years from reconciliation – as a better guideline anyway? I would assume that there are others like myself for whom D-day really doesn’t mean the date that recovery began. Also, is the proposed group only for individuals who are reconciling with their spouse/partner? Or is this an irrelevant issue for this group? PS. I don’t mind the fee – but if I were a part of the group, hopefully I would be able to end my affiliation with the group within a reasonable time, just the same as I would hope that I would stop checking this site on a daily basis – eventually.
Hey E., Thanks for your feedback. We’re not saying that you MUST be a certain time period from D-day or reconciliation. It can be joined by anybody at any time IF they feel that they are ready. It would just seem that it would tend to be someone who is farther down the road time-wise, but hey, we’re all different and some people progress faster than others. Marital status or reconciliation status would not be relevant. We’re all about the healing regardless if there has been reconciliation or not. Of course, members would not be tied into anything and could move on (cancel) at any time. Thanks again!
E, I feel the same way! Negatives and positives…and I can’t stay away right now either…I’m here on a daily basis…but for right now, this is my “family” and I feel safe here, I can let all my anger and bitterness out and no one knows…other that all of you, lol!..if that makes any sense?
I’m in agreement here with many a post. So many speak my heart. Does some of it “reflame”? cause pain, yes, oh yes. I expect that. I will never be over the two miscarriages, seeing babies, hearing about births etc. always rekindle. I was able to adopt a wonderful son, but still hurt it does. Very much so. But…I am concerned that several months out from D-day is considered ready for serious? working on a relationship. My husband was close to two years into the affair, this following the d-day revelation , the second d-day a year and a half after the first. They never really stopped . I am still in such pain and angry. We’re still married and he still is in the/our home, but I have a now 19 yoa, who is so broken & angry. We seem countries away from a healing at this time. I have just found your web site and see so very much to read, others to cry with, etc. But…again I am no where past the agony of betrayal of a 25 year marriage, damage to a few couples, church ministries etc. I maybe in the wrong site tho. The monthly fee would not be a real issue except when I can’t check in to see whats up. Rather like “Classmates”. And that site would only be for those serious about rebuilding etc. Am I missing something here? Am I not serious? How about one of the blog topics be” Were well on the way to healing” and post can be discussed there, etc. I know there is etc. again. I don’t want to see you two continue to hurt over your former nightmare. If all that can be dredged up again to cause more problems, then as with the miscarriages, it would appear it will never go away. Driving by where they parked, seeing her and more.
Good analogy about the pain from the miscarriages, Blynn…The pain never does quite go away, does it…it’s always there, just a dull ache, but still there. I think that with my H’s EA, that’s the way it’s always going to be! A ache that has dulled over time, but still there….a rather sad thought, isn’t it?
And I agree that several months in is to soon…I really think that it DOES take a least 1 yr before healing begins, and that is IF you have a CS who is being totally transparent and has broken off all contact…if that’s not the case, then healing will take MUCH longer!!
Doug and Linda,
This is the first day in like two months that I came to this site and I found your post encouraging. I do think that this site is a “double edged sword” for you all. In the beginning, it gave me a touch of sanity because I felt I was alone, but this site assured me that I wasn’t. Then it became a crutch or something for me to dig deeper. I would find myself looking for stuff with my H that wasn’t simply there, if I read something that was heartwrenching.
I think it is time for the two of you to move on with your healing and try to let go of the pain. Take the positives from what has happenned, it probably improved your marriage in some ways.
Remember a couple of things. I am only 8 months out from D-Day, but I have learned.
1. Marriage is work, no equal in the marriage should take for granted the other.
2. Realize that change may be needed from both, not just the betrayer.
3. Remember why you fell in love.
4. Read up on what biblical love is…you will be blessed if you stick it out.
5. Don’t take the easy way out. Remember your marriage is worth it, face the problem and learn to resolve it, don’t run away from it.
I have learned so much about myself (the betrayed) and my husband (the betrayer) since it all has happenned.
I have quit worrying on a daily basis and have to trust that it will all work out, otherwise I will go crazy.
Good luck to you two…Take care and God Bless.
I like the idea of a more upbeat site! In fact, believe it or not, I asked my H just last night if he minded me blogging on here, since it was anonymous…he said he didn’t mind, but he wonders if reading the different stories on here is helping me or hurting me sometimes! And I have to admit, that when I read on here about secret email accts. or pay as you go phones, it DOES make me start having some serious doubts about my H!
And Linda, I thought about that last April when I first found this site…How in the world do you do this everyday? I posted a few times and then stayed away for months…I couldn’t deal with all the pain I was reading about!
So I say do what feels right for the two of you! I’d pay to get on the site, as a month by month deal….hopefully, I won’t have to pay out to much and can get the heck outta here!! LOL!!
Doug and Linda, you can’t have any idea how much this site has helped me and I want you both to know that! I’ve gone back read some of my posts and I cringe over the anger that I’ve expressed…but no one here judged me on it…and for that I’m very grateful…I’m in a good place right now, and I want it to last..and I think a more upbeat site will certainly help with that! 🙂
I really want to Thank Linda and Doug. I don’t think 9.95 a month is a bad fee.
Yes sometimes I will see something on here and it will set me in motion. But to be honest, I think hearing what everyone has gone and stilling through has helped me a great deal. I never knew about triggers until reading the blog on here. Even tonight a new trigger was found and I took a different approach to it, thanks to reading what someone wrote on here. I have to say it worked. My husband and I sat here for about 30 mins and talked it out. Subject now dropped and moving on.
I have to tell you one thing that we did. We are both on FB and made 2 rooms and instead of me yelling or screaming one is called venting (questions I have about the EA) and another for letters to each other, were we don’t talk about the EA at all….
I love the idea that the site will be more upbeat. My husband and I even talked about finding people in the same situation as us, and making a chat room or even skype.
I am hoping that you do something on the lines of a free 1/2 month free as a test to some.
My husband and I just got back from a Weekend to Remember event and it was amazing. I would HIGHLY recommend it for those of you whose cheating spouses seem to genuinely want to rebuild your marriage. We’ve been at a crossroads for 2 full years now–things improved, declined, and I just couldn’t get past the feelings of rejection, hurt, and devastation. So much was addressed and my eyes have been opened to things I need to change. He cried many times over the weekend also. All married couples need the tools offered by Family Life. I have more hope now after going through this event than I have in a very long time.
Here is the link if you’d like to find out more: http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.5846045/k.8C0A/Weekend_to_Remember__Marriage_Getaway.htm?fromeventhp=WTRimage
I wanted to step back in order to Answere
Yes the pain of others has its draw back,but its better to face your fears,i have felt every single comment and it made me question myself, and i have come to the understanding that when someone pretends that you dont exsist and all the negtivity that is channeling your way by 2 people,we need to purge,and in doing this we are fixing our soul.
Also i am sorry to say the pain of others Helps,we accept that we were not mad and it was not all in our head, again we are healing our constitution.
I am not sure i like the term lookie lookies,as mentioned above,i was one of those, and was still apprehentive,but i took the chance and i am glad i did,but if i saw a charge i would have closed my computer and still have felt alone.
There are many ways to heal and channel a more positive thought.I was told when very young that my mind was like a tool box,all i had to do to fill it, was take the best first,a wee bit of bad from all that you meet /talk to ect and store it,and like a builder pull out the tool when needed.
Linda and Doug, Even though i have not met,talked,or know you personally i have the upmost respect for the pair of you, what you have done here.
Doug and Linda….I can see where for Linda viewing some posts helps keep the wound a little bit opened. I have found not reading them …not looking at phone bills…her face on facebook really helps me yet I come back. I think its great to have a group for people further along in recovery. I feel like a ship drifting at sea and wonder where to go from here. My marriage is better but those nagging thoughts of has she contacted him again…..how can I believe he is telling me the truth…..how do I know he told me everything…..how do I know he is really changed…..all that stuff floating around in your head….its hard. There are really no books or groups for those of us at this point. Great idea. Thanks for all of your help…
Broken, you’re thinking the EXACT thing thing I have thought!! Is it REALLY over? Is he telling me the truth? Was is just a little admiration and catching up from the past? And was it REALLY already dying out when I found out?
All the things he has bought me lately…spoiled me actually…is it for real or to throw me off balance?? He seems SO sincere…but I can’t get past the fact that he lied to me for 4 mos…and I didn’t suspect a thing!!
Does anyone have the answer for this? How DO you accept that your CS IS sincere??
My marriage is better too…and I WANT to get past this…I really do!!
This is actually my first post ever. But this may be the best.idea. I am one year out striving for.the.best yet at a constant stop and go with my cs. Would love to move beyond the actual event and keep trying to heal.