There comes a time when getting over an affair means living in the present and stopping the needless comparisons to the other person.
By Doug
My computer crashed July 4th and I had several tabs open for sites that I frequent. In order to find them again I looked in the history to bring them back up and noticed that there were a couple of sites that had been opened that were the other woman’s (OW) – her Facebook  account and her work site.  Since I had not been the one to look at them, I knew that Linda must have done so.
Later, I asked Linda why she felt the need to do so. She implied that she did so because for one, it was July 4th and it is a trigger day for her. And secondly she wanted to find out more about the OW since she really doesn’t know her. She is trying to understand my attraction to her.
This absolutely frustrated the hell out of me because in my opinion, this isn’t something that Linda should be doing while we are working at getting past the affair. To me it seemed totally counterproductive and does nothing but upset Linda and causes undue stress and emotions for her. Unfortunately, this is the type of thing she does frequently and it does nothing but damage her fragile self-esteem.
Understanding and Empathy in Healing
I expressed my frustrations with her actions and said that I couldn’t understand why she would want to do such a thing while we are getting along wonderfully and are making great strides at repairing our relationship. It almost seems that at times she tries to sabotage our relationship with her curiosity regarding Tanya.
After we discussed it a bit, I came to understand that this is not the case. Rather, she feels the intense need to compare the OW to herself in an effort to better understand my relationship with the OW so that she can replicate it in ways that keeps our relationship fresh and exciting.Â
I tried to explain to her that though I understand what she is trying to do, there is no need to. I know now that I only saw the OW at her best and that my emotional affair with her was not based on reality. The reality is that Linda and I cannot have a relationship that is fun and exciting every second of every day. Work, responsibilities and everyday life tend to get in the way of that at times.Â
I further admitted that if we ever get to the point that we are in a rut, I will mention it and we will take the appropriate measures to right the ship. I also said that it is not solely her responsibility to do so, and that we are both equally responsible to ensure that we are meeting each other’s most important needs and to communicate to one another when that is not happening.  If there is one thing I’ve learned as a result of this whole mess, it is that.
Living in the Present After an Affair
The lesson to be learned from this July 4th episode is that there comes a time when getting past the affair means living in the present, stopping the needless comparisons, concentrating more on what it takes to make each other happy and working tirelessly to maintain that happiness regardless of what life might throw at you.
28 replies to "Getting Over an Affair: Stop the Comparisons"
I can understand this from both sides. We too are doing SO much better now, and yet there are times I just cannot help myself “stalking” the OW – usually by Internet, usually because something has acted as a trigger for me. (Sadly, her Amazon Wish List has become something of an obsessive read for me!). I am sure my H would get frustrated and irritated at me for doing so, and I can understand why, and I do feel guilty for doing it. But somehow, for some reason, I have to do it. I am not so aware of making comparisons between myself and the OW, or of a need to get to know her more, it feels more like a need to keep “poking at the wound with a stick” and that somehow that will eventually just exhaust the nerve endings and stop it hurting. It is especially frustrating because it can come without warning – one day I am “up” happy, clear-headed and confident, and the next I am obsessing again because of some tiny, seemingly unimportant trigger. I don’t know what the answer is. I suppose I just wanted to say that I recognise this syndrome so well.
Doug, I do it too. Even though I don’t have a FB acct anymore and neither does my H. One of the reasons for that is friends from their work (who are my friends too) posted pictures of happy hours and there were many that H and OW were both in (not together) but they were both there. Of course I wondered if they called each other on their way home after happy hour. Which I am sure they did. This upset my H when I would tell him what I saw on FB and he said “this is going to haunt me forever, it’s never going to away”, he said he didn’t want me to keep getting hurt about this and all I could say was “those pictures don’t belong to you they belong to others and no one can stop them from posting them”. It happened, I accept that. So we both decided to get off of FB. It has helped alot BUT the OW’s H is in a band and they have a website so I do go there and look at pictures of her. Also my H used to say he felt sorry for her because she didn’t have any friends but I have a folder full of pictures of her and “her friends” at her H’s gig’s. I don’t know why we do it. It is a curiosity thing, “women thing” I suppose. I try and connect what happened last year at this time with something he may have done or said that should have clued me into the EA. I don’t really know. If my H knew he would feel exactly as you do. And sometimes we have such good days that it scares me that we will go back to our “old ways” and seeing her reminds me that we have to keep making love happen. You see what you guys have done to us? The joke is on us and it always will be. So until Linda, myself and anyone else who is going through this fully recover these are the things that we feel we have to do to heal. It may sound weird but actually my self-esteem has grown from it. Maybe it is that “woman thing” but I do want to see that she has “A” cups vs my “D”s and even though she is 15yrs younger I am a hell of a lot prettier, she is an administrative assistant I am a degreed professional, and she didn’t get my H, I did. Do you see where I am going with this? It is the re-validation that it wasn’t the physical me.
Last2know, I understand where you’re coming from, and in some respects I think it does have something to do with your gender. I’ve worked for both men and women managers over the years and if there was a problem of some sort, the men managers would have the mindset of “I don’t care how it happened or who did it, let’s fix it and learn from it.” Whereas the female managers would want to know the “Who did it?” “How?” “Why?” “When?” etc.
It just seems to me that we should be past the curiosity stage at this point as it is counter productive, and quite frankly it feels like it was 5 years ago.
Last to know… I don’t think you will see this response to your Blog post but if you do…I want you to know a few things regarding my situation and the OW. He met her at work where we met each other. Some of my friends that worked there years ago told me that she was interested in my husband but I thought he could be trusted. In fact I trusted him so much but I was so wrong about him. He did have an emotional affair with her for 2 years. She is a Administrative Assistant 15 years younger than I am and divorced and has a 7 year old son. It went on for 2 years and has broken my heart. We are still married and I found out 9 months ago. My husband has stopped all communication with the OW. I don’t think I could ever trust him again and I feel our marriage is broken because of the trust factor. I’m trying but I don’t think I can recover. Your post helped me see that there is another person out there with almost the same situation and seem to be doing better! Thank you!
Doug, you say “we should be past the curiosity stage at this point”. What do you have to be curious about? You were there, you have all the pieces to the puzzle. We don’t and we probably never will have all the pieces. And we know we don’t need them. We are the “who-how-why-when-ers”. Remember we go back and forth and in and out. I remember where my H and I were last 4th of July. Now I look back and although I thought we were having a good time, he was thinking about her. Yesterday was the 10mo. Dday anniversary and I thought about it once yesterday, late in the day. I had even forgotten it was the 5th. To me that’s progress. I don’t believe it’s counter productive. It’s similar to when someone dies, it always helps the grieving family to talk about it. It’s a loss, we miss (some of it) but we know what we have now is better. I would never want to go back to the way it was before. Might seem like five years ago to you but somedays it feels like only yesterday to us.
I know, I know. It’s just frustrating that’s all. It seems at times these bouts of curiosity come from out of the blue–even while things are going great.
Yes, they do come out of no where even while things are going great. But it doesn’t change all the good that has come out of this for us. It doesn’t make me feel angry at my H or set us back in anyway. And I am not as curious as I used to be, yes it was a lot worse. Hang in there Doug she will (we will) get there.
I certainly agree with you there. The good far outweighs the frustrations.
Yep – I am absolutely with last2know all she has said. You have all the answers and want to draw the line under it, Linda hasn’t done all her “mourning” yet. It doesn’t mean that she is resurrecting things, she just hasn’t dealt with them all yet. The other thing I would say is that, it may seem to you like these events “come from nowhere”, to Linda there will probably be triggers, even seemingly tiny ones. I have had a bad day today because my H left the house slightly earlier than normal to get to work. My head tells me he has an early meeting – which I know he did – my heart tells me he wants to see her and I have spent the day fighting the paranoia… Whenever I do try to talk about this sort of thing with my H he gets irritated and accuses me of “living in the past” and “not moving forward”. I try to tell him that it is so different for him but I just don’t think he gets it. We are doing really well now, better than we have done for ages, and yet I am still governed by my learnt responses. Exactly as last2know says – hang on in there, Doug and keep calm and patient with Linda. It is what she needs, honestly.
You’re right HarrieB, and I remain calm and answer her questions for the most part. I appreciate Linda’s desire to keep things fresh and exciting. Thanks.
Doug, just one more thing. We have learned through all our readings, postings etc. that our H’s were the one’s who were initially comparing “US” to the OW in order to justify the affair. We become keenly aware of that and we in turn will compare ourselves. Most of us “veteran” betrayed spouses know deep down that the OW don’t measure up to us or you guy’s would have been long gone. Never the less we still feel that need to reinforce that to ourselves.
Last2know,HarrieB, Thanks for the womanly support. It is true we have heard so much comparing in the beginning that it is difficult to stop doing that ourselves. Also I have never met Tanya and have only seen a few pictures of her, and what Doug has told me, I know this is silly but I would like to have formed an opinion myself then maybe I wouldn’t feel so inferior. See I am the one with the A’s and she has the D’s, and before this I felt my body was good, now I am question everything. Everyday I have to go through a list of my attributes so my self esteem doesn’t go sinking to the ground. It is sad that I have allowed someone and something pull me down because before this I felt pretty good about myself.
Sometimes I reread Doug’s comments “we were having fun” “enjoyed being with her” and it just kills me. I question if Doug feels the same way when he is with me. I know that it is different we are living life and it isn’t always fun and games, I also have to remind myself that she was at her best when she was with him, they had the perfect setup, and she also knew what he was unhappy about, so she made extra effort to appear fun, free spirited, and attentive. At the time I was under a lot of stress and honestly I was bitchy, boring and wanted to be left alone. I wonder what happened to the person I used to be a long time ago. Now I feel I can’t fully be fun and carefree because I have a dark cloud hanging over my head. I am afraid to fully let myself go and be happy. I guess I am afraid if I let it go I will become vulnerable and be hurt again and as all of you know, this is something that we never want to live through again.
I know the comparisons are not good for our relationship and for me personally but sometimes you have a bad day, or week and you revert back to old habits. I don’t know why I do it and I beat myself up for it, so Doug’s frustrations only add to my pain. I know he gets upset because he feels that because I haven’t let it go is a direct reflection on something he is not doing or I am still trying to punish him. I don’t think that is it at all, I just think its fear. I am afraid not to be a perfect person or have a perfect relationship. I guess before the affair I thought I was a pretty good wife (even though there was definite room for improvement) and this blindsided me, I learned that “pretty good” obviously wasn’t good enough and in order for this not to happen again I needed to be perfect, I needed to be the illusion that he had of Tanya and the only way to do this is to make comparisons and ask a lot of questions . Maybe what I need is a good therapist and some happy pills. –Linda
Linda, we know where you’re coming from and honestly what used to be 40-D’s are now 40-longs (but the OW doesnt’know that)unless of course the H shared it with her. The difference here (maybe not so good) is that you do have the posts to go back and read whenever you want, maybe you need to stop that part. Let those stay where they are for other’s who really need them to read. You and Doug are in a different phase of recovery. We as women will always be curious of any OW even if she is the OW of a close friend. That is just how we are. But you are meeting Doug’s needs and you both have brought such strength to the rest of us. Keeping things “fresh and exciting” is hard to do. But I think as long as we keep transperency,open and honest communication we don’t need to keep the “fresh and excitiing” part going continuously. Be honest and say “today I can’t do fresh and exciting are you okay with that”? I bet Doug says “no problem”. I can’t be insecure everyday anymore my body just can’t take it. I am very confident now and if my H does it again it’s over, he and I both know that. So all I can do is trust that it will never happen. Right now he is by no means allowed to “leave the yard”. Right now he is being trained with the “invisible fence”. The trust part well we are just not completely there yet. Too bad so sad. He says he is ok with it like that. It is apparent that you are meeting Dougs needs, enjoy the good part and limit your curiosity to once per quarter. (I bet her D’s are fake anyway). Why would you want to form an opinion of her? I said to my husband one day “I want to know what she is like”. And before he had a chance to answer I said “she could be an F-in “Mother Theresa” but in my eyes she is a selfish,self-centered, pregnant-with-her-H’s-child-having-an-EA-with-MY-Husband B_t_h! That’s my opinion of her” and H just said “I understand”. I had an opinion of my H too when this came out and he is fully aware of that one to which he also replied “I understand”. I guess what I am saying is I know it was a “bad day”. Don’t let those be on holidays anymore choose the day in advance get it over with and be with your man on the “special days”. I am still here with you girl.
Last2know, Jay and everyone else, thanks for the support and kind comments. I hesitated and asked Doug if I should have posted my last comment because I didn’t want to look like a nut case when we are the ones trying to help you. I guess it helps to see that the pain and insecurity doesn’t disappear overnight. Healing is a long process and it takes the help of your spouse and anyone else you trust with your feelings. I think when we are all “healed” we should celebrate and meet on beach so show we can show off our new skinny bodies and get picked up by eighty year old men! –Linda
What you need to do Linda is stop comparing Doug’s EA to your brother’s affair. You have rationalised Doug’s EA to yourself (and to him as well) – the how, the “affair fog” – and you are terrified that if your brother’s affair does not turn out the way you envisage it to be, your rationalisation of Doug’s EA would also be wrong. This is not healing. This is proving a point to yourself and you will be in limbo forever until you see your brother’s new relationship dissolve. It may but it MAY NOT. What then? Answer. He is not Doug. And you are not your brother’s estranged wife. Live your life. As individuals AND as a couple. What’s with the both of you writing as Doug? You are 2 persons who have cometogether to share your life. Not meld into one being – how to be “fresh and exciting” when you don’t have separate identities. Its a paradox in itself! I am with LastToKnow in that it cannot be “fresh and exciting” all the time. Its about being good to each other and be there for each other. To chat, to have fun or just to be. And Doug, for goodness sake, go for another holiday somewhere else (create new memories) not littered with triggers where you do not have to hang out with your bro-in-law! 🙂
I also fall into this snooping on the OW on the internet at work. I just wanted to find out why my H thought she was so much fun and OMG did I ever. I typed her name and all of a sudden an article appeared about her going to trial regarding 3 DWI and the last one she hit someone. She could face up to 7 years in prison. Her hearing is set for July 28. The whole time my H was seeing her all he kept saying to me is I needed to be more fun and let my hair down and I said I am not sitting in a bar everynight. Ask me how happy I was when I read that article and realized that she was nothing more than a bar fly and I save my H from total humiliation from everyone had they found this out. It help me realize that I was worth so much more. I have never even got a speeding ticket in my life. I can say now that I know she wont be around I feel so much better and can work on us without looking over my shoulder. I did show my husband the article and he swears he knew nothing about it, he knew about one DWI not the rest and really seemed ashamed at what he could have ended up with. Today is our anniverary of 36 yrs and I do believe we will make it though this. Everyday we are moving closer and closer to a better marriage than before. I know we still have a ways to go, but one day at a time.
I have to admit to doing the same kind of thing. I check the OW’s “Twitter” page to see what she has posted recently. I used to check Facebook but she blocked me there. That really freaked me out because I was worried for weeks that she was blocking me so I couldn’t see all the stuff she was saying about me or my H. Then I realized that was probably irrational, and she just didn’t want me to be able to post things on her wall – like I did on D-Day when I posted “This woman sleeps with married men!” on her Facebook knowing she couldn’t access it at work so it would stay up all day! (Remember, she was ‘supposedly’ one of my best friends before she and H got involved so we were already Facebook friends beforehand.)
I do think it may be a gender thing, too. I want to know all about what happened between them and why/how I can compare. Since my H hasn’t yet decided that he wants to stay married and work things out with me, I feel so much pressure to keep things between us fresh and happy. To fill the gaps where his needs weren’t being met at home, to give him whatever it was that she gave him.
Doug:
I am sure this can be very frustrating for you but I also have felt a need to check out the OW’s facebook and website. The weird thing about it is that everytime I click on her profile my heart leaps into my chest and I look to see if there are any post from my H or if she makes any references to him. I never see anything but I guess I still feel unsure. I think it would be easier if she was younger, prettier, more successful. Then I could understand however it is almost like looking for the missing piece to a puzzle. Here is this woman who is nothing to look at,overweight, not successful and appears to be lacking in every area. Even her post are often grammatically incorrect yet I seem to keep trying to find the reason he was attracted to her. I am not looking for who is at fault I think I am just trying to understand. For me any kind of an affair would be unthinkable so it is almost like I am driven to find a reason. I know eventually I will get past this (or at least I hope). I am sure Linda will get past this person and you will need to deal with it in the meantime. When it happens try to remember that as frustrating as it is for you, how heartbreaking it still is for her.
Jay, You’re absolutely right. Linda often (more than I can count actually) has said that she is just trying to understand.
While I have not posted in a while, I still like to come to this site and see what the new topic is. Like many of you, I have stalked the OW. She does not have a facebook or I would have been all over that. I did find out where she lives by googleing her name. Ironically she only lives 5 miles from my home. I would drive by repeatedly until the one day I finally saw her. I told my H what I did and of course he went off on me said that she probably knew it was me and that he would get in trouble at work because of me. It was only a drive by and I didn’t get a good look at her. But for me I needed to see who this person was. I needed the visual. That was in May. This 4th of July as we were heading to the community parade with our kids, I see this woman walking with her family. I thought could that be the OW. And then I saw she was carrying a bag with the name of one her kids. That sealed the deal. I said to my H that’s her. She literally passed in front of me, within 3 feet. The moment I was waiting for. And what were the chances that she would be at that same parade and be on that side street at the same time we were. After seeing her up close, she was nothing to look at at all. I am one if I see a woman who is pretty and attractive will say just that. My H then says to me, I told you she was nothing to look at, you are way prettier. Was that supposed to make me feel better. In some ways yes and in some ways no. They still had an EA for seven months. He still was putting in more time and energy into her than me. For me to finally put a face to this mysterious woman gave me some closure. As I said in earlier posts. The two of them don’t speak to each other and haven’t since D day in Jaunuary. I almost feel like here is this unattractive woman that my H who is a very nice looking gave so much time and attention to. I am sure he made her feel good about herself and yet she was a diversion for him. Non the less as time goes on it does get easier and therepy has helped me deal with a lot of the feelings of mistrust I have for my H. I have heard it from other people that EA or PA the OW or OM that the spouse gets involved with isn’t always the drop dead gorgous person. A lot of times it’s someone so completely opposite of the current spouse. Regardless the hurt is still there and I am still in the healing process.
I (and maybe I am the exception not the norm) don’t worry about comparing myself to the OM. In so many of those aspects I don’t feel he was better then me. Doug, has Linda ever told you how she feels she compares to Tanya?
Even with that, I too look at his facebook, and his wifes, from time to time. For me its not so much to compare myself to what he is. But to keep an eye on what he’s up to. Looking for signs that I should worry about him f-ing with my life more.
It was early on that I found his facebook page and went, OMG! She is going to leave me for this PoS. So in some aspect I was spared that pain. But that on its own also makes you feel “man, she was going to leave me for him?” That makes you feel pretty low.
So I don’t know what’s worse. Having the one you love leave you for the perfect “swimsuit model with a brain/firefighter who rescues kittens”. Or the trailer trash mom / dad with kids from 3 different people and on their 4th marriage.
All I can say is it hurt. One thing I have Always looked at is the time and effort she put into the affair. I KNOW it was the infatuation, all the Remember whens, and all the what ifs that drove them to text and talk for more hours in one month than she has given me in seven months of TRYING. But it does make you feel like “wow, is trying to save us not as important as what she gave to him”
That’s what weighs on my mind when comparing us. How much she gave him. And what she gives me. Selfish right? Whatever! Remember you don’t always get what you want, but if you try, you just might get what you need.
Michael, thanks once again for the insightful comments. Yes, Linda has made comments or has asked many times how she compares with Tanya–both physically and personality wise. Again, her intentions are to understand the attraction and why it happened. She always says that she feels that she can’t give me the same things that Tanya did due to the dynamics of the affair.
So I guess the best way for me to get what I thought I wanted is to kick her ass out. Wait for her to re marry and than start stalking her on facebook.
If they ( and yes her ex husband actually sent her a friend request on FB “I mean really, now?”) really wanted to be with my good looking wife why couldn’t they have got their head out of their ass years ago when they treated her like shit.
What’s changed. The grass wasn’t better the three marriages the OM went through.
I know I don’t compare myself with the POS OM. But on a day like today, when I’m feeling unloved, I can’t help but compare how much she put into her relationship with him and what she is putting into us.
So here is what I’m feeling (and I know it’s my “Feelings”) today.
I mentioned to her about finding the phone records from our friend’s phone. Something else that she failed to be honest about, and she came back at me with “well, he was talking to him too”. Ok I guess you didn’t want to hurt me again.
This brought back to mind the hours upon hours she talked to him. And if I were to compare those hours and text to the minutes and text she spends talking to me ( on the phone, in person) I’m sure after 8 months we are still at a 30 to 1 or as much as 60 to 1 ratio. Is the effort here the same as she gave him. We even went for a walk to the store where she spent the whole time talking on the phone.
Then I thought about how I mentioned to her that when I get home she smiles and says hi from the couch, doesn’t get up, and goes back to her facebook. She has said that it’s “just not how she shows her love” to jump up and show me she’s happy I’m home. She could drive 4 hours to meet him on multiple occasions but can’t meet me halfway to the door.
I know the everyday married love that she has for me can’t compare to the infatuation and in love feeling she had for him. It gets easier and easier to understand that.
It seems that she continues to fall into this mode where she stops thinking that she needs to work on what got us here. That everything is fine. She even asks “so what’s wrong with you now”.
Ok I’m sorry its so easy for her to move her feelings somewhere else but it wasn’t her that was hit like a ton of bricks that day in December. But it was her that continued to throw bricks on the pile for months.
F-it already, I’m done venting and wasting my work day. Back to work. Glad I got that out of my system.
Michael, I can relate to your pain so well, but I believe you’ve got to take steps to move on. So much of what your wife has said, my wife has said as much too. After a while I said this is no longer about her or us, it’s about me. To hell with her, am I happy? It’s a great question to ask because, you know what, you might not be. For the longest time I wondered why she didn’t love me, what was wrong with me, etc, etc, but then I asked myself, why is it that I don’t feel worthy of love? Just because she doesn’t love me doesn’t make me unlovable. That was enormous growth for me. Suddenly my questions surround me, what I want, what I’m missing, what I need. She is diminishing in my eyes because she’s not contributing. It’s not a tactic to make her want me. Rather, I’m moving ahead with my life, with integrity, respect, honesty. I feel good about myself. I haven’t compromised my principles. I’m a catch and she better realize it. Be strong, Michael. Stand your ground.
Michael, I know that you can get caught up in wanting to compare your relationship to their affair, if you read a previous post of mine I begged for the same thing. I wanted all the text, phone calls, lunches, etc. I felt our relationship wouldn’t be complete without that kind of intensity. I have learned that it was just something that they did, almost expected and addictive and that over time after the excitement and newness wore off it became a burden. I believe the reason they continued was an effort to suppress the guilt and make each other feel better.
I asked myself is that the kind of relationship I really want with Doug, because if you think about it their relationship was unhealthy and toxic. I realized that I didn’t want their relationship, I wanted what we used to have with some much needed improvements. It is difficult to see how your relationship has improved when you are making comparisons to the affair, try to take her behavior during the affair out of the picture and think about how she has changed within your marriage. Is she doing anything differently than she did before the affair to improve your relationship? Is she making any kind of effort to make you feel loved and secure? Try to focus on those behaviors and tell her that you appreciate them even though in your mind she should do them without encouragement.
As discouraging as this might sound you are still very new in your recovery and your feelings are valid. I still struggle with the comparisons and insecurities but they don’t consume my life and happiness like they did before. I have realized that I am a good person and I deserve to be happy and I am not going to let a stupid mistake take that away from me. I also realized that everyone makes mistakes and deserve an opportunity to make things right. As long as we continue to move forward in a positive direction I try not dwell on the affair, their relationship and the pain that it caused.
I would stalk the OW’s Twitter page when my husband first returned home. Not because I obsessed about her personally but because I was trying to find out what she was about. I was totally surprised that someone could WANT someone’s husband and WANT that person to leave their family. She would have been OK with it, in fact she was hoping for it, was encouraging it, was working really hard to get him to leave. She was planning on moving here to be closer and making all kinds of plans to make it work at OUR expense. That was mind boggling. That was hard to swallow. I couldn’t believe someone would want so badly for themselves regardless of another person’s pain. I would stalk her twitter page to try and figure her out, see what she was all about, how she got that way, what made her tick. It had nothing to do with her and what she brought to the table but rather, how does someone like that exist? After a while I got bored. She talked about herself in high esteem quite a bit and seemed pretty petty and boring and borderline narcissistic . After about 2 months I got tired and haven’t been back since!
It is impossible not to compare yourself to the OW. Your H did and chose her over you. The sad thing is, even if I get my H back I will never know if it is only by default. The OW is the one who said NC a few days after I confronted the H. He even called me right after she said she could never see him again and said “well, you won. She says she can never see me again.” I told him I did not win anything. There was no way in which I was winning in that situation. My only win would have been if it had NEVER HAPPENED. It is four months to the day of my D-day. H has own apartment and has been on trip with his sister. Has called and texted every day and is saying I love you before hanging up. Has not taked about OW in three weeks. I am glad for this but no talk of coming home. I don’t understand any of this any more. I am more and more afraid that he will ask for separate but together. I don’t want that, but dont want to not have him in my life.