I am having much difficulty each time I read one of Doug’s posts.  For some reason, after reading his last post, I became very emotional and  upset and he is having a hard time dealing with this.  He doesn’t understand why I become so upset about something that happened a year ago and has been discussed a thousand times before. I thought about this and I explained to him that in some ways when I see it in print it is like finding it out for the first time.

When I found out about Doug’s emotional affair, I found out in chunks.  When I thought I knew everything there was to know, I would question him about something and new information would surface.  Just when I thought  I was ready to heal from this, he would tell me something new and I would have to start all over again.  This went on for many months and it got to the point where I believed that if I continued asking, then maybe I would finally arrive at the whole truth.  The problem with the questioning was that it was very emotional for me and many times I wasn’t  really sure if I truly heard and understood his answers, and  also Doug was very impatient with all the questioning, which didn’t make things any easier.  He would get angry, impatient and would not be very empathetic.  I can understand that he had answered these questions before and he just wanted to move on, however I thought I  needed to know everything in order to begin to heal.  It came to a point where these confrontations were taking a toll on me both physically and emotionally.

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The questioning was proving to be a barrier in trying to save our marriage.  Doug was angry and I was feeling unloved because he was not being sympathetic or understanding.  So after reading the book The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage” by Michelle Weiner-Davis, I decided to stop the questioning.  Doug probably thought that I had moved on and that I was finally OK.  Unfortunately, little did he know that in my mind I was obsessing about it constantly. The lack of questioning him though, gave us an opportunity for our relationship to grow.  Finally he was able to show me affection and love and I was able to be the fun wife he had been longing for. We began to communicate better, show respect for each other’s feelings and become whole again.

A short time after this Doug became interested in starting a web site about emotional affairs.  At first I was very apprehensive.  I didn’t know if I could go through this again and share everything that has happened the last year.  I was afraid it would be too painful and I didn’t know if I could handle reading what Doug had to say about his affair.  However the experience has given us the opportunity to really explore what happened in our marriage, what caused the affair and how we can save our marriage. It was like having a third party helping us through this, but the third party was our words and feelings.   However, when you write down your feelings they are right there to read and analyze over and over.

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I also feel that Doug is much better at expressing himself through writing, so many of the things that he writes  I’m hearing from him for the the first time. He also has learned so much about himself and his emotional affair because of the time and  research for our blog.  What’s interesting is that many of his insights are different than he had originally expressed a year ago. He is finally being totally honest about his feelings and it has been somewhat difficult for me to handle and as a result I become very upset.  However, this time we are handling the situation much different. Doug is much more patient, understanding and compassionate.  I truly feel loved and understood.  I am also trying to respect and except Doug’s thoughts and feelings. We are also able to end these emotional episodes of mine feeling closer and more in love than ever.

    2 replies to "Friday Night Was a Rough One!"

    • KelBelly

      It’s been four months since D-day and I had a total meltdown today. I have found the OW husbands Facebook and wrote him a two page letter today and I think the magnitude of emotions I feel about this woman and my husbands affair with her all came bubbling to the top. I did not send it because I struggle with causing that kind of pain but on the other hand, I want her to feel a little of what she caused in my life. I am trying so hard to move beyond this but the triggers are killing me. I want my life back. I don’t want to be this emotional wreck anymore.

    • HusbandA

      I totally can identify with where you were at when you wrote this. For me this journey is still quite new. I found out about this last year in December after it had been going on a couple months. She has still not stopped talking to the AP, although this was one of the conditions of me coming back home ( We separated earlier this year for about 4 weeks). She has gone from viewing it as an inappropriate relationship, which it is, to now she has rationalized that she’s not doing anything wrong. I have gone down the road of questioning myself and it never goes well. At the very beginning she apologetic saying she didn’t want to hurt me. Not understanding that every time she talks to the guy she’s essentially stabbing me right in the back. In the beginning I took on some of the blame because obviously our marriage was in a state of 0 emotional connection. I later realized this was a mistake because she had a choice and she made the wrong one. I will take full responsibility for my part of Our marriage issues but not for her decision to give her emotional self to someone else outside the marriage.

      My question remains twofold. As a man it’s not exactly pc to share your emotions. Yet that’s always been my bend. I’ve started not questioning. Doing what I can do. But since the affair is not over how does she really expect me to feel good about this. Basically the full responsibility of change has fallen on me yet she just sits there with this guy right in her back pocket. It’s more than I can bear some days.

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