The Victory - Conquering Your Niagara Falls Moment for Good

Start Healing, Move Forward, and Experience that Bright Light at the End of the Tunnel

“Yesterday is not ours to recover but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”

~ Breakthrough 2019

I know how much you are hurting now because I have been there too.  The kind of pain that is caused by an affair breaks your heart wide open.

But, I have excellent news for you. Today I am going to show you how to have a victory over your Niagara Falls moment and this victory is easily within reach.

Today I will talk about the things you can do to start healing, moving forward, and experiencing that bright light at the end of the tunnel. The victory is waiting for you.

One of the keys to achieving your victory is by refusing to give up on yourself or others. If you do not give up on yourself or others, the seemingly impossible can occur.

My son and I recently watched a movie called Breakthrough, which is based on a true story. This film was powerful and moving and it showed that one person can accomplish the impossible as long as they do not give up.

One of the most powerful quotes from the movie was this:

“You be the best.  Nothing less.  And let God do the rest.”

Now, that is a very nice and uplifting thought, isn’t it?

But, let’s back up so that I can tell you the context in which this quote was stated. Once you learn the context, you will quickly understand how important it is to do our very best and to keep going despite the odds.

Breaking Through the Ice

You probably have children or grandchildren. What is your worst nightmare for your child or grandchild? I think most of us will say death. Our children and grandchildren are supposed to out-live us, or so we hope and pray.

In 2015, a 14-year-old boy named John fell through the ice on a lake and drowned while he was goofing around with his friends. His friends made it out alive. But, John did not. He sunk under the ice and drowned, his dead body somewhere on the lake bottom, and completely out of sight.

The film Breakthrough was made about John’s story.

“Breakthrough centers around the true story of teenager John Smith, a young man from St. Charles, Missouri. Just like any other kid his age, John — who was adopted by his parents, Joyce and Brian, when he was just a baby — attended middle school and played sports ... until tragedy struck.

On January 19, 2015, then-14-year-old John and two of his friends were messing around on frozen Lake St. Louise when the ice broke open beneath their feet and they plummeted down into the brutally cold water. One boy was able to climb his way out, and another was quickly rescued. John, however, became trapped and sank down to the lake's floor.

After 15 minutes underwater, the teenager was finally pulled to the surface by first responders and taken to the nearby St. Joseph Hospital West. His body was cold and lifeless, and doctors tried to administer CPR for 43 minutes with no success.

Emergency room doctor Kent Sutterer was preparing to deliver the tragic news to John's mother, Joyce, when she entered her son's hospital room and quickly said a desperate prayer: "Holy Spirit, please come and give me back my son!" she prayed aloud.

That was the moment that everything changed: Immediately after Joyce uttered those words, her son's heart began beating once again. And he just kept continuing to defy the odds from there — although his doctors had told Joyce and Brian that he would likely never regain neurological function, John was awake and answering questions within 48 hours of his rescue.

In an unprecedented turn of events, John not only recovered fully from his brush with death, but he also did so with remarkable speed: Just three weeks after his lifeless body had been admitted to the hospital, John walked out the front door on his own two feet. He had to attend outpatient therapy for several weeks following his release, but it was a recovery that doctors had never seen the likes of before.

Medical experts have theorized the cold temperature of the water that day was what redistributed John's blood flow and kept his organs functioning, but the Smith family believes there was also something else at play: a true, God-given miracle. It's what Joyce wrote about in her book about the incident, The Impossible, and what new movie Breakthrough is all about.

"I have always believed that God's going to do what he says he does because I've seen it all my life," Joyce told People earlier this month. "But this is like the Oscars of faith. The very moment that I needed God, he was there instantly. And when John's heartbeat started right up it was like, 'Thank you, Lord, for being so merciful for me,' which just set my faith forever in bedrock."

I saw the film Breakthrough with my 10-year-old. The film was very frightening to watch in several points.

Why?

When my (now 10-year-old) son was born, he was not breathing. The doctors rushed him off to the NICU before I could get a small glimpse of his face or hold his tiny, little hand.

That moment just about killed me. I was not allowed to be in the NICU while they aspirated fluid out of his tiny, little lungs and put tubes into his airway so that he could get oxygen.

The doctors refused to give me any hope whatsoever during those three days we spent in the hospital. My son was weak, shivered all the time, and struggled to breath. After many tests they believed that fluid in his lungs had done too much damage, since that was the only concrete thing they could find.

They feared seizures because he shook so much.

On day two in the middle of the night, when I was finally able to see him for the first time, the walk down the hall seemed to take forever. The sun had not yet come up. They took me to him and showed me how he shivered.

The nurse placed her hand on him and showed me it did no good to stop his shivering.

Then, I put my hand on my son for the first time. He stopped shivering immediately and opened his deep, blue eyes.

The nurses were astounded to see that all it took was a mother’s first touch to calm his little body and provide him with peace. I spent as much time as I could and went back to my hospital room.

As I walked back to my room, I noticed that it was a completely cloudless day, which was very rare for this time of year. We had hit the bleak, rainy part of the year two months prior and the sun had not come out in weeks.

I was on the top floor of a twenty-story hospital. The windows in this hospital were giant ovals and the view out of the windows was breathtaking.

I saw the sun starting to rise over a giant mountain that is so large it takes up the horizon. I had never seen such colors in the sky. The morning sky was deep purple, but that gave way to calm blue, and the blue gave way to bright pink and an even brighter gold.

From my vantage point, all I could see was the mountain and the colors in the sky that were so bright, they sky almost looked photo-shopped.

I looked out the window and thought, “This must have been what God saw when he created the land and the mountains. These colors must have been painted in the sky by God on that day of creation.”

Then I dropped to my knees and said to God, “God, if you can handle all of creation, I am putting my son in your hands. I have faith that you are a just God and would never take a son from a mother who already loves him more and cares for him more than for her own life.”

That was the day my son made a rapid turnaround.

Watching the movie Breakthrough with him was very visceral. I could understand the pain John’s mother must have felt when the doctors presented John’s lifeless body to her.

I can understand that moment where you fall on your knees and cry out to God because you love someone and the love you have for this person is selfless and larger than your love for yourself. That person’s well-being is more important than your own.

As the movie Breakthrough said, “You be the best. Nothing less. Let God do the rest.”

I have found that this is where healing happens: the moment we surrender and realize we will do our best and something larger than ourselves will do the rest. The healing happens when we realize all we have to do is the best we can do and we give the rest to God; we surrender our will and do the best we can.

Back to the movie Breakthrough. I do not believe the real-life John Smith came back to life as a random coincidence – as if it was some cosmic roll of the dice -- and I do not believe John’s organs were protected by cold water.

I know quite a bit about medicine due to my own studies and due to being married to a doctor. I am also a swimmer and was once trained as a lifeguard.

When John’s mother was brought to say her goodbyes to his dead body, he had been clinically dead for nearly an hour. Warm and dead. Doctors are told not to declare someone dead until they are “warm and dead.” The cold has some protective factors, but I do not believe the cold protected John’s body or organs since he was warm and dead for an extended period of time.

Doctors have shown the brain becomes damaged after only a few minutes of oxygen deprivation. The brain can be irrevocably damaged after five minutes of oxygen deprivation.

From SpinalCord.com:

“Generally speaking, injuries begin at the one-minute mark, steadily worsening thereafter:

  • Between 30-180 seconds of oxygen deprivation, you may lose consciousness.
  • At the one-minute mark, brain cells begin dying.
  • At three minutes, neurons suffer more extensive damage, and lasting brain damage becomes more likely.
  • At five minutes, death becomes imminent.
  • At 10 minutes, even if the brain remains alive, a coma and lasting brain damage are almost inevitable.
  • At 15 minutes, survival becomes nearly impossible.”

John Smith had been underwater for at least 15 minutes before he was found. After he was found, his lungs needed to be cleared of water and his heart restarted. He was without a heartbeat and a pulse for an entire hour. At that point, doctors called his mom in to say goodbye to him.

When she was called in, all life-saving treatments had stopped. There were no heart paddles, no breathing tubes, and nothing else that would have been able to re-start his heart or breathing. All attempts had failed and his mother was brought in to say goodbye.

As a mother, I would have done the same thing as Joyce Smith. I would have cried out to God and asked for a miracle because my love for my children is far greater than my love for myself. I would have demanded a miracle and I would not have left until I got my miracle.

Well, Joyce Smith felt the same way. She demanded a miracle and refused to leave until she got one. She refused to give up and her resolute nature was maintained until John walked out of the hospital on his own, with no brain damage whatsoever.

John’s doctors declared it a miracle and I believe them. But, we also have to make our own miracles. If Joyce would have accepted that her son was dead and refused to fight, John would not be alive.

The Truth of the Matter

The truth is that we all must fight for ourselves, for the life we love, and for the people we love. Joyce got her miracle because she fought for it, even though the odds were stacked against her.

We must access that part of ourselves that is willing to fight for emotional healing.

But, that is not always straightforward on how to do.

Fortunately, neuroscience has much research that shows how to heal from trauma. You see, trauma will change the brain and neuroscience shows us trauma changes the brain in concrete ways.

However, neuroscience also shows us that due to brain plasticity, emotional trauma that affects the brain can also be UNDONE.

The way to undo emotional trauma is through training the brain to rewrite itself. The brain is capable of rewriting over neural pathways that were formed by trauma.

One of the most powerful ways to rewrite the brain is through a combination of meditation and cognitive behavioral therapy.

Why is meditation important?

Because it has been shown clinically to rewire the brain.

Of course, Buddhist monks have known for thousands of years that meditation rewires the brain and causes radical health benefits for the body. But, now Western studies have proved it.

However, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has also been shown to change the brain. Invented by Aaron Beck in the 1950’s, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has revolution the way therapy is conducted. Unfortunately, not all therapists use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in their practice because they were not trained in its methods. Also, not all therapists are created equally. Schooling for therapists, levels of experience of therapists, and state requirements for people who hope to become therapists vary widely.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a helpful tool, but not all therapists know how to administer it.

What exactly is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and why is it helpful?

“Cognitive behavioral therapy focuses on the relationship among thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and notes how changes in any one domain can improve functioning in the other domains. For example, altering a person’s unhelpful thinking can lead to healthier behaviors and improved emotion regulation. CBT targets current problems and symptoms and is typically delivered over 12-16 sessions in either individual or group format.

This treatment is strongly recommended for the treatment of PTSD."

Taking Control

Short of losing a child, there is nothing more traumatic than being the victim of infidelity.

In fact, the trauma of infidelity feels a lot like this: imagine you were a trout swimming along peacefully in a serene, mountain stream. That would be a sweet life. Now, imagine that someone puts a barbed-hook into your face and pulls you unwillingly out of your serene, mountain stream.

As you gasp for air, imagine that very same person takes a knife and cuts open your belly while you are still alive. As you gasp for air, you see all of your internal organs tumbling out of you. Before everything fades to black, your last thought is: “What did I do to deserve this?”

While I am describing physical evisceration, the same type of emotional evisceration will happen to you after you have discovered your spouse of many years had an affair. The emotional pain that you experience will be so acute, you will feel as if you mind and body have gone through a meat-grinder.

There is no infidelity book out there that can change your brain.

The only way to change your brain is through some form of cognitive retraining. There are some very expensive clinics that exist to retrain your brain using sound. The research that has been done on this method is encouraging, but it is also sporadic and it’s too early to tell if sound therapy is super to a placebo affect.

What do you do?

Well, the best action to take is to follow tried and true methods that serve to harmonize your brain and help it heal.

For the past seventeen years, I have been studying the brain, psychology, and infidelity. I have learned time and again that our brains are like vinyl records. (I used to have quite a collection of vinyl records because this was all we had before cassette tapes were invented).

You have probably had an experience in the past where you scratched a vinyl record and it played the same part of a song over and over and over again.

You had several choices: buy a new record, pick up the needle on your record player and place it back down after the scratched part on the record, have a professional sand the record down and cut new grooves to fix the song, or you could listen to the same part of the song play over and over again.

For most of us, listening to that same part of a song over and over again, with no progress, was a hell unto itself.

Well, the human brain works the same way. But, the issue is we don’t have the ability to get a new human brain. We can’t really skip ahead and ignore the damaged parts unless we drink ourselves half to death. That is a terrible choice. The best choice is to metaphorically sand down those troublesome bits.

How do you do that?

Well, to do this requires focus and content that actually helps the brain do this.

The Two Keys

The two keys to metaphorically sanding down old grooves in your brain and replacing them with new ones are these:

  • Cultivating the practice of daily mindfulness meditation
  • Actively combatting unhelpful thoughts and replacing them with the truth.

It’s really as simple as that. But, it is not so simple at all because now you must teach yourself to cultivate mindfulness meditation and you must teach yourself to use the practices of cognitive behavioral therapy.

When you are in a time of crisis, I highly doubt that you have the time or mental inclination to seek out what you need to do to heal.

And if you use mindfulness meditation and CBT together, that is where the magic happens. The more you use these techniques, the more free you will feel.

After a while, you will realize you have reached a victory: your anxiety and depression are decreasing and your self-esteem and clarity are increasing. The pain that you have felt may still exist, but it will feel intellectual and no longer visceral.

You will know you have reached the victory when you can say to yourself, “Five years ago my spouse cheated, but life goes on and I have made sure that all is well with me.”

The pain will seem more like a factual event that you are able to observe from afar, rather than a punch in the gut that knocks the wind out of you. The victory looks like that and so much more.

I have created a program for you that is research-based and removes the guess-work of what it takes to heal.

The program I created takes only 30 days to complete and I can guarantee that if you follow the program completely, you will change. You will taste true empowerment and emotional freedom.

That way when it is time to make important decisions, you will be able to decide what is best for you from the standpoint of clarity.

You will control your emotions and your outcomes in life, rather them controlling you. This is a very wonderful space to inhabit once you get there. Nothing seems impossible.

This program is not about telling you how to live your life, but it will show you how to live your life in the most empowering way. It will help ease your psychic pain. It will empower you. Perhaps, you will get to know yourself for the first time in your life and I am certain you will love who you see.

 

In the meantime, I am going to give you a short sampling of what you can do to start rewiring your brain. Please watch this video about how to cultivate mindfulness meditation.

Feel free to listen to this video every day you meditate. If you have something outside of yourself to listen to, it can remind you of what you need to do. This can help reduce distractions:

Here is a TED talk about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and how it can be used as a successful treatment method for anxiety. I love this video because betrayed spouses often need clear steps on how to combat the daily anxiety that occurs after D-Day.

Now It's Your Turn!

Please share your Niagara Falls moment and/or let us know what you think by leaving a comment below!

19 responses to “Empower Page 1”

  1. I had three Niagara Falls Moment.Dec19, 2018,my husband comes home and tells me he went to dinner with his Orthodox PA (he is a surgeon) and they kissed and he been having feeling for her. He said they were. Good friends and just kissed. After initial shock,I started checking everything. He had bought her gifts, send her home from work every night in an Uber, planned to go away. He swore and lied for 4.5. Months that was it. He said he went crazy over her. Because he wouldn’t. Sleep with her and she cut off their relationship. At the time we called it EA. But. I could always tell he was lying, i searched and searched and he. Lied and Ifelt crazy. When confronted with his obvious lies, there would be a huge fight and i would go cray. I never believed it was one kiss, but. I did believe nothing happened until mid November when he caught her with his junior partner. I started feeling crazy, i had panic attacks and deep depression. I started couples therapy, individual therapy and starting seeing a psychiatrist due to my multiple mental breakdowns. Everyday was more lies and every week i would find something. Else out.I begged him in front of therapist to tell the truth.but he lied to his therapist, our therapist and me. I knew there had to be. More. If a story. Doesnt add up, you have done the math wrong. Fast forward to. April 29,2019 dday 2 we leave therapy and I look at him and tell him. No one believes you. He then proceeds to “ tell me everything”. Not. At this point he says, he did kiss her. More than once and it started in October and she broke it off. Because he bailed. On going to hotel for sex. My mind was blown, i thought he went crazy after finding her with his partner, guess what not true. I employed some unscrupulous methods to retrieve his old emails and texts. DDay number three. May 3rd 2019. Truth, he started having. Sex with her early October, she did get mad over hotel, broke it off and he went crazy. To win her back. They renewed affair, they were having sex in his office from October. In attempt to win her back, they started sexting and speaking on phone at night, phone sex. Having a full blown affair had nothing to do with his partner. Fooling around with her. It only made affair more intense. They had sexual relations 3-4 times a week. When i texted him on that OMG you did her in the Butt 9 not real words I used and she blew you everyday,he called and said now you know everything. After me begging him for. Truth for months. He made. Me believe he had fallen in love with her. Texts were I love you ETC. anyway, i went crazy. Drove to hospital and trashed her office because little Miss Religious woman had left. Truth about her, multiple affairs, swinging. She had sex with three surgeons that she worked with. I knew something was wrong with marriage. During his affair. No sex,he treated me like crap. I. Tried everything. Never thinking the man I loved and adorned would cheat. It was my friend who said he’s cheating. In Sept i. Asked him if he was having affair because we. We’re broken. He lied. In fact he told probably a 1000 lies to cover his ass. He made me feel crazy, i went crazy and found myself in ERfor psych evaluation and was almost committed. Today, he is here because I am so mentally sick, i need someone to take care of me. His story now was, he lied to HER not ME. He did all those things but he didn’t love her, she was just willing and since I hadn’t given him blow jobs lately and she would why not. This story is horrendous. I’m. Going to my psychiatrist today,they are changing all my meds. I have to miss work for a week to stabilize, My hands shake, my. Body shakes. There. Is so much more to this story. But i never thought a religious orthodox. Jewish woman would do these things, so I didn’t think of her as a threat. Never trust a shewolf in sheep’s clothing. And never underestimate the stupidity of men.My. Husband wants to works things out and stay married. But the question begs, WTH is the real truth and why didn’t he just come clean from start . Instead, I had to have several breakdowns and nearly committed..thats just part of my. Three DDAY. Niagara Falls day

    • Hi Donna,
      Thank you for sharing your Niagara Falls moment. Hugs to you, Donna. My heart goes out to you. If you lived nearby, I would come and give you a hug in person because you need one. And I am not shy about sharing hugs with betrayed, female spouses or children of any gender, age, or color. There have been many times strangers have gotten much-needed hugs from me.

      Let’s talk about MD’s. My husband is one, but not a surgeon. He is just a GP guy. But, I have seen the ugliness in the fullforce. If anyone is reading Donna’s comment and what happened to her, I can tell you this is REAL. All of it. And yes, this is what is happening in our modern-day medical profession, folks. There are many non-MD’s who enter the field hoping to poach a doctor. In my personal experience, these physician assistants are the worst. They have little schooling, NO residency, and they have the authority to act in the same role as a family physician IF there is a regular MD – like a surgeon on staff – to informally supervise their work. Human nature being what it is, a lot of female PA’s seek out doctors to “test out their skills in anatomy.” I am referring to the same way the PA who disrupted Donna’s marriage was testing out her skills.

      Donna, I don’t know who this other woman is, but it might be time to hire an attorney. One day, HR is going to get a whiff of the shenanigans going on where your husband works. In fact, I would urge you to get an attorney.

      I would also urge you to:

      -Print out all the emails and texts that demonstrate it was a consensual act between the two of them. Print out everything you have and put it in a bank vault under your name.

      Why?

      When HR gets involved… it’s only a matter of time, all the MD’s who have lowered themselves to allow this “creature” near them will be reviewed. If they don’t have documentation proving that this PA was pursuing a sexual relationship and that it was consensual, things will get ugly. Soon state licensing boards get involved, if they get involved, whoever insures the MD for his malpractice insurance also gets involved.

      If things get very bad, a doctor will lose his license, his medical insurance, his reputation… everything. He will be flipping burgers at MacDonald’s and he will likely have a criminal record if the affair partner is able to convince everyone she is raped.

      There is nothing like a wake-up call for all the surgeon’s out there who are dropping their pants, to go from top surgeon at Big Name Hospital, to burger-flipper and registered sex-offender. Think this is a myth? I could give you some names of several MD’s in my area who are in this very position right now.

      The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

      Now, some readers might wonder if I am helping Donna defend her husband so that she can stay in her marriage and the mean, old PA can get fired.

      But, here is what I am really thinking. Once, Donna gets her bearings and understands she is wiorthy of love and being cherished, there might come a day when the thought of leaving crosses her mind, well, she will need to pursue alimony and child support. If a surgeon is still employed, well, he will have a surgeon’s salary, won’t he? If a wife happened to leave a surgeon in a state where there is permanent alimony (for example) no matter how many years she has been married, well she can get a divorce and at least half a surgeon’s salary and 1/2 of his assets for the rest of her life. Then, she can go live on a beach in Mexico where the sunny days are long and the people friendly and kind. I dunno it’s just a thought. There is also Hawaii. There are so many nice, gated townhouse communities and tropical weather 365 days a year. But, I have recently learned Equador adopted the US dollar all the way back in 2007. There are huge ex-pat communities and all an American needs is a proof of income, stating they have at least $800 a month, and they are welcome in Equador. (Senior citizens on a budget are also welcome in Equador). Also, the Galápagos Islands happen to be owned by Equador. I see so many possibilities.

      But, let me be completely serious. Donna, my heart is broken for you. I applaud you for trashing the PA’s office. Sometimes a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do. But, unfortunately this PA will always be who she is. She probably has a lot of enemies and her office probably gets vandalized a lot. Or maybe the janitor doesn’t like her. Or maybe an earthquake hit when she was not looking. She probably won’t acknowledge that her behavior caused someone so much pain that they destroyed her office. Nope, she is just looking for the next MD that she can show her butt 9 too. By the way, that is the first time I saw “butt 9.” I must be sheltered, even though I have a male teen who tells me the most gross things he can come up with. Butt 9 gave me a laugh.

      I understand why you stay right now. Your mind and body is a mess. This is what infidelity does to people. It is the worst experience in the world to be betrayed. It changes a person mind, body, and spirit.

      Donna, can I email you off-line? I will assume you are also Jewish since you mentioned the PA being an Orthodox Jew. If you are not Jewish, I can shed some light on HOW an Orthodox woman can do this with a clean conscience. But, I am not here to trash Jews. I inhabit the “no man’s land” where I was born to an ethnically Jewish mom (yes, Jews are their own ethnicity), and a Celtic/Scandanavian/Italian dad. Rabbis put me into the “Jewish” catagory due to Jewish law. I am kind of like Scarlet Johansson. She has identical ethnic lines. Sadly, I look nothing like her. That’s why she is a movie star and I am not. She makes a great Avenger though and I get to be a super hero behind the computer screen. So, it’s all good.

      But, I also wanted to talk about Jewish law. Donna, if your husband is a Jew, you may or may not be aware of the religious laws he is breaking. (Yes, I am aware of how some Jews are atheists and still call themselves Jews and so the law doesn’t apply to them. I always call bullshit.) I may only have a Jewish mom, but the Jewish law’s sure as heck apply to me IF I acknowledge my Jewish identity. And I do.

      Donna, I am sick to my stomach that this is happening to you. Please get an STD panel. Please get checked for the HPV virus every 6 months. Condoms don’t prevent it. Make sure a copy of your STD tests are mailed to an attorney that you hire. In some states women have been able to sue for getting the HPV virus. If this woman is really dropping her drawers for everyone, please please please get full STD panels. Get them for as long as you are sexually active with your husband- if you are sexually active.

      Everyone who is reading this article … can you give Donna some advice on what got through these early, awful days?

      Donna, please keep close to your doctors. You might want to take medical leave from your job. FMLA generally protects you. You have to look into it. I would recommend using the FMLA laws to take unpaid leave so that you can get the care you need.

      Big hugs. I am sending prayers to you, Donna.

      Sarah

  2. You can email me,Sarah. No we are not Jewish. My husband is Asian. After busting up her office, Chairman and Vice Chapman called him in and he told them story. It’s only a matter of time before HR gets involved. Meanwhile, he was told to take some time off and she is back at work like nothing happened. She has had five affairs. I know of. I called her. And husband answered and I told him. Everything. Guess what, they are staying. Married. I don’t know what is going to. Happen. Don’t think I haven’t thought this harlot. Will say sexual harassment, but one of the other surgeons wife found out, so there is a pattern. His partner also fooled around with her so there is that. I cant sleep and am. Worried sick that he will lose everything and half of zero is still zero. I’m a mess

    • Hi Donna,
      This really is a mess. I wonder why this woman’s husband will stay married to her. It’s a very odd relationship. Infidelity is very frowned upon in Judaism.

      I will catch up with you via email.
      Hugs,
      Sarah

  3. I was very moved by this post. I can remember asking for a roadmap of what to do. I followed the advice of my counselor but I lost my marriage. The lighthouse analogy is often used for spouses who stand waiting for their cheating mid life crisis spouse to return. Most of them don’t recover and don’t return. The lighthouse is alone forever, still watching and waiting. You are blessed that you hear God.

    • Hi Imperfect,

      I am very sorry that you lost your marriage. I was unaware that the lighthouse analogy is often used for spouses who stand waiting for their spouses. I would never ask someone to stand and wait for a spouse. Relationships are reciprocal. I hope that you are not still waiting for a husband to return. There is life after betrayal and a large world out there. I believe in being a lighthouse a hurting world, but I don’t believe in waiting for someone while they are trying to figure themselves out. We must draw boundaries with those who harm us. I sure hope that you have been able to meet someone who cherishes you. Hugs, Sarah

      • Thank you. I am not capable of accepting love yet or of being cherished. It’s a long journey to overcome. I will always love my husband but I am making a life without him. I gave him all the money I could get and I took on all our debts so that I could keep my home. He is running away from himself and living a mid life crisis life. I am doubtful of ever having another serious relationship. I feel too old, too scared and too cautious.

  4. Hi Donna,

    My heart goes out to you, going by your DDay, its been 5 months and I understand where you are at health wise, your mind has been heavily assaulted and it has sent your body into mayor trauma.
    At this stage I don’t know how your coping mechanisms are going i.e how much you are still shutting down. I am sure Sarah right now has been of great help to you.
    By the way I don’t know Sarah, never met her and she has never met me. This is the first time I have ever written into this, your story moved me sooo much that I feel compelled to say something. I am sensing you are in the early stages of your betrayal, at this stage of the game, wrapping you up in cotton wool is not what you need, that may sound hard but please hear me. I pray you find the strength and get a bull dog mentality towards your husband. This is not the time to join the dots and get all the truth from him, you know enough that he has committed adultery. You need to kick him out and start divorce proceedings, you need to use shock treatment on him, I am saying all of this because there are two types of repentance or remorse if you want to call it that. The first repentance that he is offering you is because he has been caught out and that repentance where he is saying he is sorry is all about HIMSELF, the real repentance you want is about where he comes to a place of repentance of what HE did to YOU, this is true repentance when he shifts from himself to YOU, when he feels and sees what HE did to YOU, this true repentance makes him feel the pain, and face the consequences of all the mess he caused. You did not cause this, not one stitch of it, he did. This betrayal reveals more about husband, his lack of understanding what it means to be faithful and his lack of character. I know you are in so much pain, believe you me I know, and it is sooo horrendously unfair because HE caused it. Trust me if you use the shock treatment on him, that is supposing you want your marriage, then you will have a way higher chance of your marriage restoring to a better, more healthy and strong foundation. The shock treatment means, you have to have a bulldog mentality, you have to follow it through, no ifs and buts, just do it. If you stay the way you are, you are going to prolong your healing and husband doesn’t get to face or feel the consequences of what he did. You might be thinking the risk is too high, I might lose him all together, your health and well being and life is the better risk to take, don’t you think. You may find doing it bulldog way may empower you to discover just how strong you really are.

  5. I had about 4 Niagra Falls moments and am constantly waiting for the next. It’s so difficult. The first was last June when I found a picture of the much younger (24 years) woman in his wallet and he told me it was just an emotional affair. I wanted to believe him so much that I turned a blind eye and tried to work it out. After several months of not too much progress and couples counselling he told me he needed a break, a separation.

    I agreed and then a few months later the code to his phone was revealed to me by my son and I looked. It was then my next Niagra Falls moment came when I realised it was in fact a full blown affair and it had never ended and was going strong. My whole world fell apart again and saving the marriage seemed impossible. My husband left me a few days later to go out of the country for work for a few months. The day he left he left his email open and I found all the emails they sent back and forth to each other. Complete with “I love you’s”, “I’ve never felt this way about anybody before”, “I need you, you are my future, the only one”. All written by him. That’s it in my mind it was over. After all he was planning a life with another woman despite he just spent the last couple days telling me how sorry he was and that he was having second thoughts about leaving. That was Niagra Falls moment number 3.

    Moment 4 came when he was starting to convince me about 2 months later that he was serious that it had ended with her and I was the one he was meant to be with and he had been such a fool and had a “light bulb” moment as he put it. Well this was all a lie because I found out the same day he wrote all this to me she was meeting him to spend a week in the Caribbean with him, in a place where people knew he was married. It was devestating once again. He once again professed his love for me and that it was “really” over this time and he was coming home to prove to me that he is serious. The last Niagra Falls moment was just a month ago when I found out that as soon as he came home and for at least a month after that he was still communicating with her via text, email and FaceTime but swears it’s done now and doesn’t understand why I can’t believe him and put it in the past. He constantly asks me when I’m going to stop asking him questions like, “are you sure it’s over” and “how do I know you wouldn’t do this again”. I tell him I don’t believe he is in love with me because how can someone treat someone they love like that. He is now going away again for work and I told him to figure himself out so he can understand why he has done this to us, in the meantime I will move on with my life and get healthier. I’m so heartbroken, mostly because he was willing to throw me and our kids aside and allowed himself to fall in love with another woman. I just don’t know if I can ever get over that fact. It just seems impossible.

    • Kristie he is just trying to avoid the financial fallout of divorce and hide his assets. Get a lawyer and file you don’t have a marriage. He continues to lie, gaslight, and manipulate you. Meanwhile as you stick around waiting for the next moment, he is squirreling away assets and you will be left with nothing. File and go girl no sense chasing that dog, he wants to roam wild.

      • Hi Deanna,
        I am aware that this could be happening. I certainly hope not. I have made him put my name on everything so to try to avoid all this. I know I’m probably being a fool but I still have a little hope we can make it through as he has actually shown remorse, the kind of remorse where he takes responsibility for all the hurt he has caused everybody. I don’t know. I’m one of those people that has to be absolutely sure before I make the final decision. Especially since we are from two different countries and a divorce would mean moving his kids away. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t stay in an unhappy marraige for the kids, I just don’t want to rush into a decision that can’t be reversed is all. Like I said I might be being a fool but when I walk away I will know I’ve done all I could.

        • Kristie,

          I feel your pain. Reading about situations like yours and others on this website, reinsures the fact each One of us is dealing with selfish, careless and insane behaving spouses.

          There inability to rationalize and make sound decisions is the norm. I hate to hear that you have been experiencing several D-Day’s along the way. I hope you can get the help and support you need to come out on the other side of this situation a much stronger and wiser individual. We are all good people who are experiencing similar situations. God’s Speed to you and your family.

    • Kristie,

      I am in the same exact position as you are. My H of over 18 years has moved out of our home and is living with his affair partner. She posts videos on youtube where she’s talking about my H and how he’s so sweet that she thinks she’ll keep him. He tells me he loves her and plans a long term relationship with her.

      My life has made a complete u-turn in 3 months time when I was initially blindsided with this. I’m grieving my marriage, or what I thought it was. I’m grieving my family life, my kids’ security, and my expectations for a future that are now completely changed and unpredictable.

      I’ve replaced my affair emotional rollercoaster with an end of marriage emotional rollercoaster. And the kicker? None of this was of my choosing. Honestly, I still love my husband. However, this detestable piece of crap he’s turned into is another story. Especially knowing how he was reassuring me, telling me how much he was in love with me during this whole thing, which he now says is untrue. It was straight out emotional abuse and torture. The height of cruelty. He made me lose my mind, identity,
      and sense of self. That is no one worthy of my love or capable of really loving someone.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this as well. It’s hell on Earth.

      • I hear you there is no pain like it. I’m so sorry you are going through this as well. My husband has also moved out but only because I packed all his crap up and moved it to our apartment. I refused to let him come home and told him I needed space. He agreed to give it to me. He has once again told me it’s iver between him and the little girl (compared to him) but that will remain to be seen. He is seeing a therapist to figure out where he went wrong so that is positive but make no mistake I am inthis with my eyes wide open. As of now we are not together just haven’t pulled the plug quite yet.

        So sorry the woman he is with is doing that to you, it’s incredibly insensitive and immature and it’s horribje he let’s her do it. I know it’s hatf but it’s tone for you to focus on you and don’t waste your energy on that woman. She has taken enough from you. Block her now so you can’t yirture yourself anymore, write her a letter and then burn it d let go, make her inconsequential in your life so you can concentrate on getting you better. Believe me, when you thrive that will be the best revenge! Hugs to you xx

        Ps. I probably should take my own advice 😜

  6. Hello Sarah,

    I believe everything happens for a reason. I have suffered with Alcoholism and addition issues throughout my teenage and adult years.
    After being sober for nearly 5 yrs at the time, my D-Day was 4/27/17. My life has been full of fear, chaos and uncertainty. I am experiencing powerlessness at a entirely new level.

    During our 20th year of marriage, my wife began a 9 month interracial physical affair. This man was the first person I trusted outside of my Sponsor in 15 yrs.
    This man was a professional athlete and my son’s baseball coach. He and My wife denied it the first 3 mos. What I learned later was that they both were using gas lighting techniques in which I was questioning my own sanity. You can imagine what these 2 yrs have been like once I began to get the “Trickled Truth”
    We have been to 3 different marriage councilors and we still haven’t been able to get very far down the recovery path.

    My wife still blames me for the affair and tries to sweep it under the rug. We are currently working with counselor #3 in which she has began to talk about the affair in very small intervals. She has not taken the action necessary to allow us to work through these affair issues and get to the core problem.

    On top of that my youngest son is playing on that same baseball Team the affair partner’s son is playing on. My world is upside down once again. This man not only messed with my mind 2 yrs ago he also tried to intimidate me with his physical presence. The worst thing a person can do is come back into contact with the AP.

    This brings me to my Niagra Falls moment. I have used meditation at times in my recovery. I also suffer from PTSD Symptoms which has slowed down my affair healing and caused me to obsess on the details of the affair and regress in my healing process.
    Monday I read your story about the Niagra Moment and how you helped the attorney. I was very intrigued by your story.

    Last night before our baseball game – words were exchange between myself and the AP for the first time in 19 mos. It was a very intense situation. During this exchange he tried to intimidate me with a physical threat. I have been on edge, arguing with my wife as I have relived my night mare all over again. The AP called me twice today and I didn’t answer. He is an evil person.

    After reading your article tonight, watching the video and learning that your are days away From launching your new workbook- I am hopeful that this might be the break I have been looking for.
    I have no real explanation for why I ended up going to the link that contained your 3 part series. But I do know it wasn’t by mistake.

    I have heard of the cognitive therapy and it was suggested to me. I don’t have clear cut access at the present time to a counselor who specializes in PTSD issues.

    I would like to know if you offering mentoring or acting as a life coach. If so, please let me know. Meanwhile I’m looking forward to release your new work book

    Thank you for the work that you do and providing pertinent information regarding life after infidelity.

    Matt

    • I’m so sorry you have had to go through this Matt. It does not sound like an easy situation at all. I pray you find peace and clarity in your journey so you can breathe easy and live life as a happy adventure. Hugs to you. 😊

    • Hello Matt,
      I have been very busy over the weekend and I am just now getting to comments.

      First off, my heart breaks for you. Yes, I do offer one-on-one mentoring. I do know how to treat PTSD. I am fully aware of how prior addiction issues will affect the big picture and the fact that this man was the first person that you trusted outside of your sponsor sends CHILLS UP MY SPINE.

      I know the complex experience hat you are going through and can only imagine the suffering you must feel right now.

      You can email me at:
      sarah.emotionalaffair.org@gmail.com

      Anyone else is always welcome to email me too.

      But, Matt, I do have some ideas for you and I do know very well the complexity of your situation and how what your wife has done could be a potential trigger for a relapse. Life doesn’t have to be living hell though. I do have some ideas on how to get through it.

      Please know that this is NO WAY reflects on who you are as a person. It reflects on the way those we love most can betray us, but it does NOT reflect on you. These stories really break my heart because I just don’t even understand HOW people can do this. Fortunately, I understand how to get through it and I have dedicated myself to giving others what I needed when I went through this alone.

      My heart goes out to you,
      Sarah

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