Surviving an Affair - Your Niagara Falls Moment
D-day Can Feel As Though You're Freefalling Down Niagara Falls
What’s the biggest problem with life? Well, there are many problems with life in general and quite often there are thousands of problems with life. But, the biggest problem with life is there is no way to predict where it will go.
Life is like a river with all its twists and turns and smooth places, quiet places, noisy and fierce rapids, and then stagnancy. Or, maybe the river doesn't happen in that order.. maybe the river repeats its rapids again, and again, and again.
There is one guarantee: when you are born, you are immediately pushed into that metaphorical river. Your parents may be floating alongside you or they may not be. Hopefully, you will find some fellow travelers to help you survive the bends in the river that lead to unexpected waterfalls.
I hope that you will find others who help you navigate the rapids in that river. My biggest wish is that when the river pulls you under, there is a gentle but firm hand to pull you back to the surface.
The river of life does not have a map. The river of life does not come with a guidebook. The river of life will NOT tell you what is ahead. You will know when you get there.
I don’t know about you, but I hate surprises. I hate surprises because they have almost always been ones were some warning would have really helped.
Do you remember the day you found out your partner or spouse had an affair? Do you remember the day, the month, and the year?
I do. I remember the day, the month, and the year I found out about my partner’s affair. Most people I talk to also remember these dates.
For those who have been lucky enough NOT to experience being betrayed in their marriage, they will live their life thinking there are only three types of important dates: moment of birth, moment of death, and the moment a married couple says, “I do.”
Contrary to popular belief, most people don’t care about tax dates. It’s only the pivotal moments: birth of loved ones, marriage to a loved one, and death of loved ones.
But, for those of us who have been betrayed by a spouse, there is another important date: D-Day. The day our spouse’s affair was discovered, which was also the same day that our marriage and our lives were devastated and disaster ensued.
Metaphorically, that was the day we rounded the river bend and found ourselves free-falling off of Niagara Falls. The fall to the bottom was hard and deadly to the marriage we once knew.
Why oh why didn’t someone warn us? How could we have been prepared?
The sad truth is, almost none of us get any warning and no one can prepare us for such a situation. There is no book that you can read that will tell you how to effectively prepare for the trauma of the affair.
Why?
Because being betrayed is a visceral experience. There is no book that can prepare you for the visceral feelings that will overwhelm you. It simply is not possible to communicate the full devastation and how to prepare for it in words.
Plus, once you are over the falls, what good would a book do you anyways? You are now inside the experience and no book can prepare you for it.
After a free fall over Niagara Falls, what you need is a strong and gentle hand to pull you onto a life raft. You need a strong and gentle hand that has been exactly where you are to pull you onto the lift raft that they built for you.
But, let’s talk brass tacks for a moment. What you need in real life right now is an emotional life raft. What you need in real life is a gentle and strong hand to pull you through this process and provide you with and emotional life raft. Why? Because it’s the only way you will survive an affair.
My D-Day occurred on a rainy, January night several years ago. I will never forget that night. The man I loved the most in this world beat me half to death, assaulted me, and sped off in his car so that he would not be present if the police showed up.
Why did he do that? At the time, I did not know that he had been cheating on me for around a year. He had been asking me to leave the house because he wanted to break up. I stood my ground and asked him to pack his things. My name was first on the home title and I had given the larger down-payment.
He had no legal means to make me leave the house that we owned and the other woman wanted to move into our beautiful, brand-new house. He knew that the only way to make me leave my own home was for me to become absolutely terrified of him.
I never went back.
The next day, the other woman moved in and went public to our large group of friends that he was hers now and that she had won. Many bewildered friends approached me and asked if I knew there was another woman.
Of course not!
When I found out she had moved in immediately and found out they had been having an affair for nearly a year, I couldn't believe it. But, that was not the worst part. The worst part was trauma that knocked me off my feet.
My mind was in shock. My body was in shock. My heart was broken.
I had absolutely NO WARNING that would have given me an idea of what I was to experience that night. I knew that my partner was breaking up and that he did not want to leave the house, but that is all I knew.
At the time, he swore to me there was no one else – he even swore on the Bible itself that there was no one else. (It has occurred to me since then that asking someone to swear on the Bible is a terrible idea because Bibles cannot talk.) A person who is a selfish liar thinks the Bible is just another book and often feels proud of himself for being able to use this manipulation tool. Honest people take swearing on the Bible seriously; dishonest people do not.
Prior to this experience, my partner had never been emotionally or physically violent. Even up until the day he broke up with me, we had what others said was a wonderful relationship. Our friends saw us as “that couple” who had found true love and would never be torn apart. I too had believed that.
So, not only did I have to come to terms with the fact that my partner physically assaulted me because another woman wanted to move in, I had to come to terms with the fact that the relationship I thought I had was an enormous lie.
Then it got worse….
I went to my doctor, whom I had seen for several years, and let him know what happened. I told him my partner had been having an affair and I wanted every STD test available. My doctor agreed that this was necessary.
It took a little while to get all the results back. My stomach was in knots. When my doctor said I did NOT have AIDS, an enormous burden was lifted.
But, I still had to keep sitting down… he had very bad news.
He told me that I had cervical cancer and my ability to have children, along with my life, was in danger.
I did not understand.
I had assumed cervical cancer was a random cancer that happened to women after menopause. However, my doctor informed me that cervical cancer was a sexually transmitted disease.
No one had ever told me that before. My head was swimming and spinning.
The doctor stated that since he had performed my annual check-ups and they were always clean, he was 99% certain that I had gotten a type of fast-growing cervical cancer from my partner. My doctor recommended immediate surgery and removed a large part of my cervix.
The shock was nearly too much to take. After all, in how many ways can you ruin the life of another human being?
First, I was cheated on, but my partner ensured his infidelity was hidden. Then he broke off the relationship and asked me to leave my own home. Since I would not do that, he assaulted me, and then (like the ultimate coward) sped off in his car. He did this so that a woman who I had never even heard of could move into my house. Then, I got cervical cancer as a result of their misdeeds.
I lost the love of my life, I lost my home, I lost my dignity, I lost my health, and I lost my ability to trust all due to my partner’s cruelty and lack of empathy.
What had I done to deserve it?
Nothing.
It was my free-fall over Niagara Falls moment. And, no one was at the bottom to catch me. My Niagara Falls moment nearly killed me.
Fortunately, I am still here, or I would not be able to tell you my story.
But, what is more important than my story is that I have spent nearly a year putting together an emotional life raft for Emotional Affair Journey followers. I have written all the material that I needed at the time of my own betrayal. I have dedicated a year to putting together all the tools that I needed at the time of my betrayal to move forward, to break through my shock and depression, and to move forward.
Stay tuned for the rest of this 3-part series as I’ll explain further about the tools that I have created to help you short cut your healing process.
In the meantime, I wanted to share a wonderful video that is a compilation of some of Louise Hay’s most powerful messages. Louise Hay passed away in 2017, but we are so fortunate that she left us with the gift of her deepest wisdom.
We cannot change others, but we can change our mindsets. I hope you find peace in Louise Hay’s words.
I had three Niagara Falls Moment.Dec19, 2018,my husband comes home and tells me he went to dinner with his Orthodox PA (he is a surgeon) and they kissed and he been having feeling for her. He said they were. Good friends and just kissed. After initial shock,I started checking everything. He had bought her gifts, send her home from work every night in an Uber, planned to go away. He swore and lied for 4.5. Months that was it. He said he went crazy over her. Because he wouldn’t. Sleep with her and she cut off their relationship. At the time we called it EA. But. I could always tell he was lying, i searched and searched and he. Lied and Ifelt crazy. When confronted with his obvious lies, there would be a huge fight and i would go cray. I never believed it was one kiss, but. I did believe nothing happened until mid November when he caught her with his junior partner. I started feeling crazy, i had panic attacks and deep depression. I started couples therapy, individual therapy and starting seeing a psychiatrist due to my multiple mental breakdowns. Everyday was more lies and every week i would find something. Else out.I begged him in front of therapist to tell the truth.but he lied to his therapist, our therapist and me. I knew there had to be. More. If a story. Doesnt add up, you have done the math wrong. Fast forward to. April 29,2019 dday 2 we leave therapy and I look at him and tell him. No one believes you. He then proceeds to “ tell me everything”. Not. At this point he says, he did kiss her. More than once and it started in October and she broke it off. Because he bailed. On going to hotel for sex. My mind was blown, i thought he went crazy after finding her with his partner, guess what not true. I employed some unscrupulous methods to retrieve his old emails and texts. DDay number three. May 3rd 2019. Truth, he started having. Sex with her early October, she did get mad over hotel, broke it off and he went crazy. To win her back. They renewed affair, they were having sex in his office from October. In attempt to win her back, they started sexting and speaking on phone at night, phone sex. Having a full blown affair had nothing to do with his partner. Fooling around with her. It only made affair more intense. They had sexual relations 3-4 times a week. When i texted him on that OMG you did her in the Butt 9 not real words I used and she blew you everyday,he called and said now you know everything. After me begging him for. Truth for months. He made. Me believe he had fallen in love with her. Texts were I love you ETC. anyway, i went crazy. Drove to hospital and trashed her office because little Miss Religious woman had left. Truth about her, multiple affairs, swinging. She had sex with three surgeons that she worked with. I knew something was wrong with marriage. During his affair. No sex,he treated me like crap. I. Tried everything. Never thinking the man I loved and adorned would cheat. It was my friend who said he’s cheating. In Sept i. Asked him if he was having affair because we. We’re broken. He lied. In fact he told probably a 1000 lies to cover his ass. He made me feel crazy, i went crazy and found myself in ERfor psych evaluation and was almost committed. Today, he is here because I am so mentally sick, i need someone to take care of me. His story now was, he lied to HER not ME. He did all those things but he didn’t love her, she was just willing and since I hadn’t given him blow jobs lately and she would why not. This story is horrendous. I’m. Going to my psychiatrist today,they are changing all my meds. I have to miss work for a week to stabilize, My hands shake, my. Body shakes. There. Is so much more to this story. But i never thought a religious orthodox. Jewish woman would do these things, so I didn’t think of her as a threat. Never trust a shewolf in sheep’s clothing. And never underestimate the stupidity of men.My. Husband wants to works things out and stay married. But the question begs, WTH is the real truth and why didn’t he just come clean from start . Instead, I had to have several breakdowns and nearly committed..thats just part of my. Three DDAY. Niagara Falls day
Hi Donna,
Thank you for sharing your Niagara Falls moment. Hugs to you, Donna. My heart goes out to you. If you lived nearby, I would come and give you a hug in person because you need one. And I am not shy about sharing hugs with betrayed, female spouses or children of any gender, age, or color. There have been many times strangers have gotten much-needed hugs from me.
Let’s talk about MD’s. My husband is one, but not a surgeon. He is just a GP guy. But, I have seen the ugliness in the fullforce. If anyone is reading Donna’s comment and what happened to her, I can tell you this is REAL. All of it. And yes, this is what is happening in our modern-day medical profession, folks. There are many non-MD’s who enter the field hoping to poach a doctor. In my personal experience, these physician assistants are the worst. They have little schooling, NO residency, and they have the authority to act in the same role as a family physician IF there is a regular MD – like a surgeon on staff – to informally supervise their work. Human nature being what it is, a lot of female PA’s seek out doctors to “test out their skills in anatomy.” I am referring to the same way the PA who disrupted Donna’s marriage was testing out her skills.
Donna, I don’t know who this other woman is, but it might be time to hire an attorney. One day, HR is going to get a whiff of the shenanigans going on where your husband works. In fact, I would urge you to get an attorney.
I would also urge you to:
-Print out all the emails and texts that demonstrate it was a consensual act between the two of them. Print out everything you have and put it in a bank vault under your name.
Why?
When HR gets involved… it’s only a matter of time, all the MD’s who have lowered themselves to allow this “creature” near them will be reviewed. If they don’t have documentation proving that this PA was pursuing a sexual relationship and that it was consensual, things will get ugly. Soon state licensing boards get involved, if they get involved, whoever insures the MD for his malpractice insurance also gets involved.
If things get very bad, a doctor will lose his license, his medical insurance, his reputation… everything. He will be flipping burgers at MacDonald’s and he will likely have a criminal record if the affair partner is able to convince everyone she is raped.
There is nothing like a wake-up call for all the surgeon’s out there who are dropping their pants, to go from top surgeon at Big Name Hospital, to burger-flipper and registered sex-offender. Think this is a myth? I could give you some names of several MD’s in my area who are in this very position right now.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
Now, some readers might wonder if I am helping Donna defend her husband so that she can stay in her marriage and the mean, old PA can get fired.
But, here is what I am really thinking. Once, Donna gets her bearings and understands she is wiorthy of love and being cherished, there might come a day when the thought of leaving crosses her mind, well, she will need to pursue alimony and child support. If a surgeon is still employed, well, he will have a surgeon’s salary, won’t he? If a wife happened to leave a surgeon in a state where there is permanent alimony (for example) no matter how many years she has been married, well she can get a divorce and at least half a surgeon’s salary and 1/2 of his assets for the rest of her life. Then, she can go live on a beach in Mexico where the sunny days are long and the people friendly and kind. I dunno it’s just a thought. There is also Hawaii. There are so many nice, gated townhouse communities and tropical weather 365 days a year. But, I have recently learned Equador adopted the US dollar all the way back in 2007. There are huge ex-pat communities and all an American needs is a proof of income, stating they have at least $800 a month, and they are welcome in Equador. (Senior citizens on a budget are also welcome in Equador). Also, the Galápagos Islands happen to be owned by Equador. I see so many possibilities.
But, let me be completely serious. Donna, my heart is broken for you. I applaud you for trashing the PA’s office. Sometimes a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do. But, unfortunately this PA will always be who she is. She probably has a lot of enemies and her office probably gets vandalized a lot. Or maybe the janitor doesn’t like her. Or maybe an earthquake hit when she was not looking. She probably won’t acknowledge that her behavior caused someone so much pain that they destroyed her office. Nope, she is just looking for the next MD that she can show her butt 9 too. By the way, that is the first time I saw “butt 9.” I must be sheltered, even though I have a male teen who tells me the most gross things he can come up with. Butt 9 gave me a laugh.
I understand why you stay right now. Your mind and body is a mess. This is what infidelity does to people. It is the worst experience in the world to be betrayed. It changes a person mind, body, and spirit.
Donna, can I email you off-line? I will assume you are also Jewish since you mentioned the PA being an Orthodox Jew. If you are not Jewish, I can shed some light on HOW an Orthodox woman can do this with a clean conscience. But, I am not here to trash Jews. I inhabit the “no man’s land” where I was born to an ethnically Jewish mom (yes, Jews are their own ethnicity), and a Celtic/Scandanavian/Italian dad. Rabbis put me into the “Jewish” catagory due to Jewish law. I am kind of like Scarlet Johansson. She has identical ethnic lines. Sadly, I look nothing like her. That’s why she is a movie star and I am not. She makes a great Avenger though and I get to be a super hero behind the computer screen. So, it’s all good.
But, I also wanted to talk about Jewish law. Donna, if your husband is a Jew, you may or may not be aware of the religious laws he is breaking. (Yes, I am aware of how some Jews are atheists and still call themselves Jews and so the law doesn’t apply to them. I always call bullshit.) I may only have a Jewish mom, but the Jewish law’s sure as heck apply to me IF I acknowledge my Jewish identity. And I do.
Donna, I am sick to my stomach that this is happening to you. Please get an STD panel. Please get checked for the HPV virus every 6 months. Condoms don’t prevent it. Make sure a copy of your STD tests are mailed to an attorney that you hire. In some states women have been able to sue for getting the HPV virus. If this woman is really dropping her drawers for everyone, please please please get full STD panels. Get them for as long as you are sexually active with your husband- if you are sexually active.
Everyone who is reading this article … can you give Donna some advice on what got through these early, awful days?
Donna, please keep close to your doctors. You might want to take medical leave from your job. FMLA generally protects you. You have to look into it. I would recommend using the FMLA laws to take unpaid leave so that you can get the care you need.
Big hugs. I am sending prayers to you, Donna.
Sarah
Oh he came clean first time because husband caught them
You can email me,Sarah. No we are not Jewish. My husband is Asian. After busting up her office, Chairman and Vice Chapman called him in and he told them story. It’s only a matter of time before HR gets involved. Meanwhile, he was told to take some time off and she is back at work like nothing happened. She has had five affairs. I know of. I called her. And husband answered and I told him. Everything. Guess what, they are staying. Married. I don’t know what is going to. Happen. Don’t think I haven’t thought this harlot. Will say sexual harassment, but one of the other surgeons wife found out, so there is a pattern. His partner also fooled around with her so there is that. I cant sleep and am. Worried sick that he will lose everything and half of zero is still zero. I’m a mess
Hi Donna,
This really is a mess. I wonder why this woman’s husband will stay married to her. It’s a very odd relationship. Infidelity is very frowned upon in Judaism.
I will catch up with you via email.
Hugs,
Sarah
I was very moved by this post. I can remember asking for a roadmap of what to do. I followed the advice of my counselor but I lost my marriage. The lighthouse analogy is often used for spouses who stand waiting for their cheating mid life crisis spouse to return. Most of them don’t recover and don’t return. The lighthouse is alone forever, still watching and waiting. You are blessed that you hear God.
Hi Imperfect,
I am very sorry that you lost your marriage. I was unaware that the lighthouse analogy is often used for spouses who stand waiting for their spouses. I would never ask someone to stand and wait for a spouse. Relationships are reciprocal. I hope that you are not still waiting for a husband to return. There is life after betrayal and a large world out there. I believe in being a lighthouse a hurting world, but I don’t believe in waiting for someone while they are trying to figure themselves out. We must draw boundaries with those who harm us. I sure hope that you have been able to meet someone who cherishes you. Hugs, Sarah
Thank you. I am not capable of accepting love yet or of being cherished. It’s a long journey to overcome. I will always love my husband but I am making a life without him. I gave him all the money I could get and I took on all our debts so that I could keep my home. He is running away from himself and living a mid life crisis life. I am doubtful of ever having another serious relationship. I feel too old, too scared and too cautious.
Hi Donna,
My heart goes out to you, going by your DDay, its been 5 months and I understand where you are at health wise, your mind has been heavily assaulted and it has sent your body into mayor trauma.
At this stage I don’t know how your coping mechanisms are going i.e how much you are still shutting down. I am sure Sarah right now has been of great help to you.
By the way I don’t know Sarah, never met her and she has never met me. This is the first time I have ever written into this, your story moved me sooo much that I feel compelled to say something. I am sensing you are in the early stages of your betrayal, at this stage of the game, wrapping you up in cotton wool is not what you need, that may sound hard but please hear me. I pray you find the strength and get a bull dog mentality towards your husband. This is not the time to join the dots and get all the truth from him, you know enough that he has committed adultery. You need to kick him out and start divorce proceedings, you need to use shock treatment on him, I am saying all of this because there are two types of repentance or remorse if you want to call it that. The first repentance that he is offering you is because he has been caught out and that repentance where he is saying he is sorry is all about HIMSELF, the real repentance you want is about where he comes to a place of repentance of what HE did to YOU, this is true repentance when he shifts from himself to YOU, when he feels and sees what HE did to YOU, this true repentance makes him feel the pain, and face the consequences of all the mess he caused. You did not cause this, not one stitch of it, he did. This betrayal reveals more about husband, his lack of understanding what it means to be faithful and his lack of character. I know you are in so much pain, believe you me I know, and it is sooo horrendously unfair because HE caused it. Trust me if you use the shock treatment on him, that is supposing you want your marriage, then you will have a way higher chance of your marriage restoring to a better, more healthy and strong foundation. The shock treatment means, you have to have a bulldog mentality, you have to follow it through, no ifs and buts, just do it. If you stay the way you are, you are going to prolong your healing and husband doesn’t get to face or feel the consequences of what he did. You might be thinking the risk is too high, I might lose him all together, your health and well being and life is the better risk to take, don’t you think. You may find doing it bulldog way may empower you to discover just how strong you really are.
I had about 4 Niagra Falls moments and am constantly waiting for the next. It’s so difficult. The first was last June when I found a picture of the much younger (24 years) woman in his wallet and he told me it was just an emotional affair. I wanted to believe him so much that I turned a blind eye and tried to work it out. After several months of not too much progress and couples counselling he told me he needed a break, a separation.
I agreed and then a few months later the code to his phone was revealed to me by my son and I looked. It was then my next Niagra Falls moment came when I realised it was in fact a full blown affair and it had never ended and was going strong. My whole world fell apart again and saving the marriage seemed impossible. My husband left me a few days later to go out of the country for work for a few months. The day he left he left his email open and I found all the emails they sent back and forth to each other. Complete with “I love you’s”, “I’ve never felt this way about anybody before”, “I need you, you are my future, the only one”. All written by him. That’s it in my mind it was over. After all he was planning a life with another woman despite he just spent the last couple days telling me how sorry he was and that he was having second thoughts about leaving. That was Niagra Falls moment number 3.
Moment 4 came when he was starting to convince me about 2 months later that he was serious that it had ended with her and I was the one he was meant to be with and he had been such a fool and had a “light bulb” moment as he put it. Well this was all a lie because I found out the same day he wrote all this to me she was meeting him to spend a week in the Caribbean with him, in a place where people knew he was married. It was devestating once again. He once again professed his love for me and that it was “really” over this time and he was coming home to prove to me that he is serious. The last Niagra Falls moment was just a month ago when I found out that as soon as he came home and for at least a month after that he was still communicating with her via text, email and FaceTime but swears it’s done now and doesn’t understand why I can’t believe him and put it in the past. He constantly asks me when I’m going to stop asking him questions like, “are you sure it’s over” and “how do I know you wouldn’t do this again”. I tell him I don’t believe he is in love with me because how can someone treat someone they love like that. He is now going away again for work and I told him to figure himself out so he can understand why he has done this to us, in the meantime I will move on with my life and get healthier. I’m so heartbroken, mostly because he was willing to throw me and our kids aside and allowed himself to fall in love with another woman. I just don’t know if I can ever get over that fact. It just seems impossible.
Kristie he is just trying to avoid the financial fallout of divorce and hide his assets. Get a lawyer and file you don’t have a marriage. He continues to lie, gaslight, and manipulate you. Meanwhile as you stick around waiting for the next moment, he is squirreling away assets and you will be left with nothing. File and go girl no sense chasing that dog, he wants to roam wild.
Hi Deanna,
I am aware that this could be happening. I certainly hope not. I have made him put my name on everything so to try to avoid all this. I know I’m probably being a fool but I still have a little hope we can make it through as he has actually shown remorse, the kind of remorse where he takes responsibility for all the hurt he has caused everybody. I don’t know. I’m one of those people that has to be absolutely sure before I make the final decision. Especially since we are from two different countries and a divorce would mean moving his kids away. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t stay in an unhappy marraige for the kids, I just don’t want to rush into a decision that can’t be reversed is all. Like I said I might be being a fool but when I walk away I will know I’ve done all I could.
Kristie,
I feel your pain. Reading about situations like yours and others on this website, reinsures the fact each One of us is dealing with selfish, careless and insane behaving spouses.
There inability to rationalize and make sound decisions is the norm. I hate to hear that you have been experiencing several D-Day’s along the way. I hope you can get the help and support you need to come out on the other side of this situation a much stronger and wiser individual. We are all good people who are experiencing similar situations. God’s Speed to you and your family.
Kristie,
I am in the same exact position as you are. My H of over 18 years has moved out of our home and is living with his affair partner. She posts videos on youtube where she’s talking about my H and how he’s so sweet that she thinks she’ll keep him. He tells me he loves her and plans a long term relationship with her.
My life has made a complete u-turn in 3 months time when I was initially blindsided with this. I’m grieving my marriage, or what I thought it was. I’m grieving my family life, my kids’ security, and my expectations for a future that are now completely changed and unpredictable.
I’ve replaced my affair emotional rollercoaster with an end of marriage emotional rollercoaster. And the kicker? None of this was of my choosing. Honestly, I still love my husband. However, this detestable piece of crap he’s turned into is another story. Especially knowing how he was reassuring me, telling me how much he was in love with me during this whole thing, which he now says is untrue. It was straight out emotional abuse and torture. The height of cruelty. He made me lose my mind, identity,
and sense of self. That is no one worthy of my love or capable of really loving someone.
I’m sorry you’re going through this as well. It’s hell on Earth.
I hear you there is no pain like it. I’m so sorry you are going through this as well. My husband has also moved out but only because I packed all his crap up and moved it to our apartment. I refused to let him come home and told him I needed space. He agreed to give it to me. He has once again told me it’s iver between him and the little girl (compared to him) but that will remain to be seen. He is seeing a therapist to figure out where he went wrong so that is positive but make no mistake I am inthis with my eyes wide open. As of now we are not together just haven’t pulled the plug quite yet.
So sorry the woman he is with is doing that to you, it’s incredibly insensitive and immature and it’s horribje he let’s her do it. I know it’s hatf but it’s tone for you to focus on you and don’t waste your energy on that woman. She has taken enough from you. Block her now so you can’t yirture yourself anymore, write her a letter and then burn it d let go, make her inconsequential in your life so you can concentrate on getting you better. Believe me, when you thrive that will be the best revenge! Hugs to you xx
Ps. I probably should take my own advice ????
Apparantely I can’t type very well, so sorry. I hope you got most of that ????
Hello Sarah,
I believe everything happens for a reason. I have suffered with Alcoholism and addition issues throughout my teenage and adult years.
After being sober for nearly 5 yrs at the time, my D-Day was 4/27/17. My life has been full of fear, chaos and uncertainty. I am experiencing powerlessness at a entirely new level.
During our 20th year of marriage, my wife began a 9 month interracial physical affair. This man was the first person I trusted outside of my Sponsor in 15 yrs.
This man was a professional athlete and my son’s baseball coach. He and My wife denied it the first 3 mos. What I learned later was that they both were using gas lighting techniques in which I was questioning my own sanity. You can imagine what these 2 yrs have been like once I began to get the “Trickled Truth”
We have been to 3 different marriage councilors and we still haven’t been able to get very far down the recovery path.
My wife still blames me for the affair and tries to sweep it under the rug. We are currently working with counselor #3 in which she has began to talk about the affair in very small intervals. She has not taken the action necessary to allow us to work through these affair issues and get to the core problem.
On top of that my youngest son is playing on that same baseball Team the affair partner’s son is playing on. My world is upside down once again. This man not only messed with my mind 2 yrs ago he also tried to intimidate me with his physical presence. The worst thing a person can do is come back into contact with the AP.
This brings me to my Niagra Falls moment. I have used meditation at times in my recovery. I also suffer from PTSD Symptoms which has slowed down my affair healing and caused me to obsess on the details of the affair and regress in my healing process.
Monday I read your story about the Niagra Moment and how you helped the attorney. I was very intrigued by your story.
Last night before our baseball game – words were exchange between myself and the AP for the first time in 19 mos. It was a very intense situation. During this exchange he tried to intimidate me with a physical threat. I have been on edge, arguing with my wife as I have relived my night mare all over again. The AP called me twice today and I didn’t answer. He is an evil person.
After reading your article tonight, watching the video and learning that your are days away From launching your new workbook- I am hopeful that this might be the break I have been looking for.
I have no real explanation for why I ended up going to the link that contained your 3 part series. But I do know it wasn’t by mistake.
I have heard of the cognitive therapy and it was suggested to me. I don’t have clear cut access at the present time to a counselor who specializes in PTSD issues.
I would like to know if you offering mentoring or acting as a life coach. If so, please let me know. Meanwhile I’m looking forward to release your new work book
Thank you for the work that you do and providing pertinent information regarding life after infidelity.
Matt
I’m so sorry you have had to go through this Matt. It does not sound like an easy situation at all. I pray you find peace and clarity in your journey so you can breathe easy and live life as a happy adventure. Hugs to you. ????
Hello Matt,
I have been very busy over the weekend and I am just now getting to comments.
First off, my heart breaks for you. Yes, I do offer one-on-one mentoring. I do know how to treat PTSD. I am fully aware of how prior addiction issues will affect the big picture and the fact that this man was the first person that you trusted outside of your sponsor sends CHILLS UP MY SPINE.
I know the complex experience hat you are going through and can only imagine the suffering you must feel right now.
You can email me at:
[email protected]
Anyone else is always welcome to email me too.
But, Matt, I do have some ideas for you and I do know very well the complexity of your situation and how what your wife has done could be a potential trigger for a relapse. Life doesn’t have to be living hell though. I do have some ideas on how to get through it.
Please know that this is NO WAY reflects on who you are as a person. It reflects on the way those we love most can betray us, but it does NOT reflect on you. These stories really break my heart because I just don’t even understand HOW people can do this. Fortunately, I understand how to get through it and I have dedicated myself to giving others what I needed when I went through this alone.
My heart goes out to you,
Sarah
It has been 10 years since my D-Day and as I read your posts I cannot hold back my tears. The pain you have and/or are experiencing is incapacitating and extremely hard to endure. You are beautiful women and souls. Because only a beautiful soul could try to forgive and work things out. However, I agree with Sarah. Get attorneys, educate yourselves, prepare to stand on your own two feet. One day you will wake up and realize that you are worthy of a peaceful and happy life and that your current relationship just doesn’t have the structure nor foundation anymore to provide you with that life. Until then, sending all of you lots of love, positive energy and prayers for healing. Be well.
I had my niagra falls moment on 9th Dec 2019.i discovered an intimate text to my husband from a so called friend never had I ever looked at his phone but that day I needed a number. Nothing was said by either if us. I was in shock he didn’t know what to do or say. Sat up all night at 5am I started the questions. Turns out he had been having an affair with her for 4years started as friends etc. Then crossed the line. He wanted to be with her leave me after 50years together since our teens. I have never ever felt pain like it physical and mental pain. And believe me I have had pain in my life cancer, arthritis, depression and I have overcome them all. But this is a different level entirely. I couldn’t breathe felt as though I was drowning. As it turns out she didn’t want him when it all came out and I told her husband what had been going on while he was away working. Although my husband said he didn’t want to lose me and our family. I truly believe he would have left if she had wanted it. He was/is totally besotted with her. Tells me he has difficulty getting over it!!!! I love my husband very much and we are trying to sort things out, but it is so very difficult. Even now 5 months since DD I still find it so hard to believe he did this to me. Because life was just normal all through the affair. Although with hind sight I should have questioned certain things but because I completely trusted him I never did. I will get through this nightmare with or without him. I will not let infidelity define me. Thank you for your posts they are inspirational jennet
It is so unfair that I have to put all of this work in because of something somebody else did to me.
Hopeless husband,
Boy, do I feel you! It seems incredibly unfair to have all this visited upon you when you were just busy living the life you’d committed to living. Trusting, feeling safe and secure. Thinking of your spouse while they were disrespecting you and CERTAINLY not thinking of or concerning themselves with you or your feelings! I absolutely struggle with that part. I sometimes feel like he got to go have his fun and I get to pay the price, not once, but every day of the rest of my life.
That said, he doesn’t really have it so easy knowing what he did to me, to us, to our kids and living with that every day of the rest of his life. I’m guessing if your spouse if repentant and remorseful, she knows what her selfish behavior has cost you and it is costing her as well, just a price that has a different name, like guilt, shame, and self-loathing.
The work we betrayed have to put in is unfair. We were wronged by the one person who should’ve been our protector. We have to decide to do it anyway, hopefully to end up with a better life than what we’d had before.
Know that the people here understand those feelings. We feel them too.
My Niagara Falls moment was long and arduous. I suspected my husband was cheating for a quite awhile I just couldn’t prove it. Then one night he got so drunk he left his phone out (something he had been hiding from me for months – even while sleeping) so it was my chance to plow through it. I saw the messages the lies and the Instagram messages. I saw screenshots and love letters. I saw pictures of her and songs they’d sent to each other and I even found a secret email account where they had exchanged gifts and money. I was devastated. This man had devoted his life to me and his children and now he was debating leaving me for this woman who was also married with kids. I didn’t confront him right away. I wanted more proof. So I waited till he went to work and used his iPad to do more digging. I found hidden picture files and more information. So finally I was able to look up her name and photo and get what I needed. I confronted him after work and he denied everything at first. Then he admitted. My Niagara moment was when he told me he’d fallen in love with her and didn’t love me anymore. I was crushed. How did this happen and why? He tried to blame me for a very long time. “If you had been more in tune to my needs. If you would have don’t what I said…” all of that sounded very selfish to me. Like what?!? I have been at home teaching our children, taking care of this house and doing all the things you need me to do and this is how you act? It wasn’t enough for you so you needed more from another person???
Needless to say, I’ve finally gotten through all of this. I had panic attacks for weeks. I found a really great therapist and she helped me to realize that none of this was my fault. She also helped me to realize if my husband chooses to be with her it says nothing about me. And that 90% of relationships thay start that way end tragically since the thrill is gone. So I told my husband to make a choice. Me or her. Period. No going back.
He chose me. Much to mistresses chagrine. She pulled some crazy moves after that. Kept popping up at places we frequent. Sending flowers and leaving them on the side of road of our house. Calling him with some tragedy she needed him to fix. We had to block her on all our social media and phones. Even went to the phone company to block her number. She was relentless. That helped me recover, honestly. When he and I both discovered she was obsessed I got a good laugh out of it and he felt pretty dumb for all the pain he caused and for even thinking he wanted to be with her long term.
I am out of what I called my mini depression now. I have a clearer head and I know my worth and my value and I have made a very clear boundary when it comes to my marriage. I am confident again and I love being able to say I survived it and I’m better than the other woman. That in the end I’m stronger and my kids still have both parents. It was a long road but worth it!
Hi everyone. I posted my nIagra moment in May 2020 on this very page.i am now 23 months since DD and we are still together it’s been a very bumpy road to say the least we are not there yet and maybe we never will.the trust I had will probably never be the same but it’s coming back slowly.
I still have triggers but not so many ,I have days when I still can’t believe what happened and for so long 4 yrs.how he lived this double life. In all that time or since he has never criticised me in any way he shows remorse snd Shane and guilt.says he was an idiot says he’s sorry for what he did to me and his family.
But I had another niagra falls day about 3 weeks ago but really it was only a splash!! Because for 7 months after DD he was still in contact with her by phone he couldn’t meet her because of our strict lockdown rules which lasted 4 months .I say a splash because I knew he was lying about no contact sometimes you have to trust your gut !! Now I feel sure it’s over and we can really begin to be happy again.
For those of you at the start of your recovery these are a few of the things I did to get me through one of the most horrendous times of my life.
1.i walked for miles 3 or 4 times a day everyday .lost 22kgs in weight bought a new wardrobe of clothes each lifted my spirits straight away.
2.got anxiety meds from GP
3.kept a journal and still do ,put everything down on paper gets those thoughts out of your head.
4.dont ask questions that you really dont want to know the answers to.i.e.what was the sex like?
Did you tell her you loved her?
What did you say about me?
Trust me you don’t need anymore going round in your head .
5 .have a couple of true friends you can talk to any time day or night.
6.DONT LET THE F…… BITCH WIN. whether you stay or go.
7.BELIEVE IN YOURSELF NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
8.MY MANTRA TO MYSELF IS THIS: SHE WILL NEVER HAVE HIS YOUTH, HIS FAMILY, OUR MEMORIES HAPPY AND SAD,SHE WILL NEVER BE BETTER THAN ME BECAUSE I AM NOT A LIAR AND A CHEAT!!
I’m sure there are other things you can do but these have helped me and still do.
I wish you all good luck on your journey .Jennet
My initial DDay happened July 10, 2021 (4 days after my 64th birthday), when I caught my husband on the phone talking to a single woman I didn’t know. Of course, she was a friend (he met at a bar), and he was helping her through a tough time with her boyfriend (do these women not have girlfriends?).
DDay 2 happened Aug. 13-15, 2021 when more truths came out. Sexual affair, 24 yrs. younger than him, no protection during sex (Yes, we had to do the embarassing STD tests).
DDay 3 Aug. 25, 2021 The affair went from a few months to 1 1/2 years. He took her on business trips with him, He had started telling me he was out of town and instead was staying at her home. WOW! 33 yrs of marriage with a man I would never have never thought would stoop to this level.
We are going to counseling and he has admitted everything that I CARE to know. He is very sincere, answers all the ugly questions, always apologizes after the ‘affair talk’ and assures me of his work for us. He is quite upset that he has hurt me so deeply~ the panic attacks, losing 35lbs. in a short time, lost my job (which I loved). The pain I see in his eyes and heart make me believe we may be on the right track of beginning a better marriage where we have learned a great deal from this. However, it hasn’t been without some ugly outbursts by me when I have heard things I couldn’t fathom. Yes, my husband who NEVER bought his own clothes bought all new things for her (those were burned in the driveway)! It was chilly that day!
Without the wonderful articles, God, and the Bible to guide me, I don’t think I could make this.
Respect in a marriage is not an option but a requirement.
Cheating in a marriage is the most disrespectful thing you can do in your marriage. Cheating is a choice, not a mistake. It takes time and effort to cheat on someone. When there are so many respectful choices a person who has given their Vows to you can make. They are the only ones responsible for these disrespectful choices, because you are not forcing them to make those choices.
No therapist or marriage counselor will ever talk about this, nor will they ever tell you what to do to fix the disrespect. You have to calming, assertively and respectfully tell your disrespectful cheating spouse that the wedding vow “to forsake all others” still holds true. And you respectfully are asking them to uphold that Vow. If they choose to not do that then you will be making a very hard choice yourself about what to do about your marriage to them. You have to follow through on what you decide that will be. Do this with love and respect for their choice. Remind them that they are of free will and free choice, that you have no control over their choices just like you can’t control the weather. All you can do is try and dress to protect you from the weather. Tell them you love and respect them and will do your best to respect their choice and hope they make the right choice. Then go take care of YOU! Love yourself like you want to be loved. Smile, laugh and be genuine, grateful and loving when you want to be horrible and ugly. Have grace and dignity and remember you are not alone and you deserve to be loved and respected.
After 7 months I’m still reaching for a hand to help me out of my falls moment.
Like many others, I was blind and never thought my spouse would betray me. When I found out about the affairs it was like being in someone else’s body, because it was and still is surreal. The pain that it has caused is indescribable. I haven’t been angry, the pain has been so intense it’s past anger. I have loved my spouse deeply for years and thought the feeling was mutual.
Unfortunately my spouse has not admitted to anything, stonewalls when trying to talk about it, wants to do nothing to rebuild trust, and just wants everything to be exactly like it was.
I need help and just have no where to turn it feels like much of the time.
Reading as much as I can to help myself out of the