In Doug’s post from the other day, he made the comment, “I found it hard to believe at the time that she could change her feelings and actions on a dime like that.”  I understand that he was skeptical, however if Doug would not have been involved in an emotional affair, I believe he would have viewed my changes in a different way. 

I believe he would have been relieved that I still loved him and wanted to save our marriage. He would have welcomed my changes and would have been receptive to the efforts that I was making.

By Doug being involved with someone else my changes only caused resentment and mistrust.  He believed that he finally found someone who could meet his needs the way he deserved, and that he had found someone who really understood him and could provide the companionship he desired.

Even after I tried to become the perfect wife, I still was not able to make him feel the way she did because he may have been comparing how it felt to be in a long term relationship with an affair relationship. 

Even after we made attempts to meet each other’s needs, there was still the fact that we were having conflicts and living a stressful life that at times hindered the loving feelings.

I realize now that it wasn’t because she understood him better.  It wasn’t that she was able to be a better companion or able to love him more than I.  Rather, it was all about the illusion and the “perfect” situation that Doug was experiencing at the time.

When people are involved in emotional affairs they will comment that they can finally be their true selves with their affair partner and that their affair partner brings out the best in them.  I don’t disagree with that.  I believe that during an affair you have the opportunity to be the person you want to be.  Loving, patient, kind and supportive.  The affair offers an environment for this kind of positive behavior. Eventually a person cannot continue to be everything they portrayed at the beginning of the relationship.

Emotional affairs aren’t all they’re cracked up to be

Not too long ago Doug made a comment “I wouldn’t have been any better off with her than you.” When Doug said that I was obviously shocked, but after Doug apologized for the awkward way that the words came out of his mouth, I figured out what he really meant. I believe that he finally realized that when the infatuation ended, he would pretty much be in the same boat with her that he was with me—and more than likely worse.

He realized Tanya wasn’t so perfect and that she had faults and would react to his imperfections similarly as I would. It became obvious to him that Tanya’s ability to meet his needs as perfectly as she did during the affair would not last.  There were times during the affair that things weren’t so perfect, and that she would be resentful, angry and distant to him.

In the beginning, there were a lot of things that were different and attractive about her, such as her interests and personality.  They were a novelty to him.  But in reality, those interests weren’t anything that he was interested in or that he would want to pursue himself.  Her uniqueness that initially seemed to be desirable to Doug would eventually prove to be a problem and annoyance for him as time went on.

Their ability to make each other feel the way they did during the affair would eventually come to an end. Being involved in an emotional affair is lighthearted and easy.  There was not much effort to make each other feel loved and valued, as it happened naturally because of the situation and its newness. 

If the affair were to progress and turn into a permanent relationship the illusion and excitement would die quickly. They really wouldn’t have anything to hold their relationship together. No history, no common friends, a divided family and a lot of guilt.


    10 replies to "Emotional Affairs: Looking Through Rose Colored Glasses"

    • Giving Up

      Wow…I was reading the begining, My husband has said those words. Why did it take her for you to change. And he doesn’t trust that it is real change and not just self preservation. He doesn’t understand, or is unable to grasp that the changes are all the things I wanted to change but thought I always had time to do. I never said we didn’t have problems, but it was always comfort that kept me from changing. So now that I have, and I have become all he wanted me to, he is resentful. He is mad that it took this and he always says he wishes I could have found it earlier.

      The only thing I can do is keep the changes, keep being who he wants me to be. Because ultimately it makes me more happy to be the real me….because I wasn’t for so long. But all I can do is be the real me, and maybe eventually he will trust and accept the changes and know that they weren’t just because of her, but because I love him and want to be all he wants me to be right?

    • Sue

      Sorry, I can’t forgive nor do I want to forget his infatuation with a real messed up broad at his office.Who by the way was the same age as his daughters. I did some research- this insecure ms perfect was married 5x! He says
      she was an Olympic champion, a tennis wonder, and I cannot believe no sex was involved..if so it is because he didn’t turn her on. Well guess what- he doesn’t turn me on either since he betrayed, lied to me.

      I see a divorce on the horizon after I get my finances in order.

      He can dream of his wonder woman while I find a grown up male who respects me and doesn’t need his ego stroked(among other body parts)

      • Holdingon

        We all need the other stroked.

    • Last2know

      Sue, was your DDay very recent? I know how you feel. But would you hurt more or less if you found out it was more than just an EA. It can’t hurt anymore than it already does. Before you see a divorce on the Horizon you need to step back and take some time to reflect. Divorce is horrible and the grass is never greener. The things you said about your husband being old, bald, fat etc. Well I can tell you the OW didn’t care about that. My H’s OW was 15yrs younger. She made him feel appreciated, admired, all those things that I hadn’t made him feel for a long time. That I do take responsiblity for. Because of my H’s EA our marriage is better than ever (our sex life too ). Men, not just mine but most men need to feel admired, appreciated, needed, they need to be thanked. So the next man you find if you do move on will be no different in that way, just keep that in mind while you are reflecting.

    • Clare

      Wow.. reading these posts after searching for days and days all about EA just brings to light my husbands own EA
      He is working with a lady boss, they text each other over 250 times a month, from 6 am to sometimes midnight. I only just got that proof although I knew right from the first time he mentioned his name back in the beginning of our relationship 5 years ago, that something was hanging around between them.
      The EA has only really been happening since February and since then the texting has just gone on and on.
      I am devastated. I don’t feel like i can trust him anymore, and I am going from feelings of pure hatred to anxiety to mistrust… he is away right now, and i have bombarded him with his phone bills, articles on EA… He told me he loves me more than anything, that i am the only woman he ever wants to be with bla bla.
      I am so close to leaving him…
      I have organized couple therapy to try and get us through this because in the meantime, we have been trying to get pregnant??? WTF?
      He didn’t even organize time off to come to our IUI because of work commitments.
      I feel like I am also right at the bottom of the Totem Pole, with his work, her and his hobbies right at the top.
      I dont want to live my life at the bottom of the heap, so I am going to put myself back at the top of my own pole!

      • Doug

        Clare, Thanks for commenting. I like your attitude about putting yourself back at the top of the totem pole. That’s what you need to do. Work on yourself first. Demand that the texts stop. He may even need to change jobs or get reassigned. Then work on your relationship.

    • sandra marlatt - Lueb

      What to talking to your husband is like trying to talk to a brick wall.
      Still in the emotional affair and claiming they are just friends and it is not what i think.

      • Doug

        Sandra, thanks for commenting. True, many will claim that they are just friends. And perhaps in their own minds they think they are. But if he is keeping things from you and/or sharing intimate details with someone else, then that goes a little bit beyond friendship. Perhaps you can share more of your situation so that we can offer better suggestions.

    • Anne

      My husband EA leads to our divorce. My husband left me for the OW. He said he loves me but not in love with me. He said she understand him and I don’t. She is a financial burden to him but he doesn’t care. I still love him and have done everything to get him back but he rather start a new life with her.

    • Harold

      I’ve been thinking of leaving but I know that deep down it would be a regret not to stick this out. Stay strong and build on your own personal strength. Give up your additction to him and get addicted to keeping yourself happy. That’s all you can do. In the meantime it works when they say- Kill them with kindness. If they are still acting like idiots then the kindness at least gives them a sense of guilt and if they are attempting to repair what they have broken then they will respond emotionally to affirmative action rather than negative.

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