I must deal with this empty feeling and figure out what is missing in my life after the emotional affair.

the emotional affair

By Linda

Your comments from my post from yesterday were insightful and helped me to make a move in the right direction.

I believe that I should personally deal with this empty feeling and figure out what is missing in my life after Doug’s emotional affair.  I am not looking for a quick solution. I am just trying to find meaning.

I was asked by Jeffrey if I had felt this emptiness before the affair. Looking back I can honestly say I didn’t.  I had a rewarding career. I always felt very fulfilled as a wife and mother. I had many interests and hobbies that kept me very busy.  I had friends.  In fact, these are all still present today.

The only time I began to feel like something was missing – ironically enough – was when Doug began his emotional affair.

I remember watching an Oprah show about a book she was promoting  and some of the guest’s comments made me think about my own life.  At the time, I attributed my feelings to the kids getting older and them not needing me as much.  Looking back though, I believe it had more to do with Doug and the feeling that he was pulling away from me, which in turn made me feel helpless.

 

Even though our marriage was not perfect, and at times we neglected each other, I always felt that we were one. That we had the same commitment, dreams and  feelings for each other.

When I think about Tanya being jealous when Doug would spend time with me and his family, I almost laugh because we have always done everything together. There are few families that are as close as ours.  Doug’s emotional affair shattered everything I thought we had. I wondered if the past was all a lie.  Was I living in a fantasy world?

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Perhaps I am still grieving the loss of what I thought we had. I know at times I just feel really sad and I can’t pinpoint why. I know that what we have now is different.  But is it better? Are we being “real” with each other or are we trying to prevent another affair?

I guess the question we need to ask each other is what we really want from our marriage. What do we need from each other?

I think in many ways we are being too cautious. We’re trying to do everything right and by the book.   We’re afraid to put our relationship off balance, and afraid to hurt each other. I know that I am trying to be too perfect by following every idea from every book I read and from every relationship expert.

I am also afraid to be myself. I don’t completely trust myself to be a good wife or trust Doug to love me unconditionally. I am afraid he will stop loving me when I have a bad day or not as affectionate as I should be. He has told me to trust him and that he will not stop loving me – but I am still insecure.

I just want the passion back into my life. I let that die the day I found out about the emotional affair.

I allowed something that was beyond my control take a part of me and I am having difficulty getting it back.

I believe that I have been focusing so much on this affair and how to save our marriage that I have lost what really makes me happy. I know it is right in front of my eyes, living under my roof and around me everyday.  I am just having problems embracing it.

See also  What to Say When a Wayward Spouse Blames You for the Affair

I don’t want to be disappointed and hurt again.

 

    11 replies to "The Emotional Affair Has Made Me Unsure of Myself"

    • Jeffrey Murrah

      Wow! Linda you sure did gain a lot from the comments yesterday. Dealing with the emptiness is never easy. It is one of those hard to honestly look at yourself in the mirror type of things. The fear of being engulfed by the emptiness often keeps people from taking that honest look. You are a courageous woman for having done so.

      I am puzzled by this comment though:
      “We’re trying to do everything right and by the book. We’re afraid to put our relationship off balance, and afraid to hurt each other.” The two statements cancel out each other. You can either do what is good for the relationship or do things out of fear of hurting each other. You cannot do both. Sometimes what is good for the relationship or best may hurt the other party. Avoiding the hurt often leads to secrets, and you know where that eventually goes. Staying ‘in relationship’ is often a challenge. Doing what is right for the relationship often brings hard choices.

      I appreciate your courage and insights.

      • Linda

        Jeffrey, I should have said that “I am trying to do everything right, I am afraid to rock the boat” I suppose I am afraid to ask for what I want for fear that Doug may not think I am perfect, or worst yet I may find out that he can’t give it to me. The difficult part of this is Doug is really trying to do everything possible to gain my trust, spend time with me, do everything right, I guess I need to really focus in on what is missing and have the confidence to ask for it. I think for a while Doug and I have been talking at each other rather than with each other. Our everyday communication is great, now we can talk for hours about anything, but the hard stuff is still difficult. I know that my downfall is bringing the affair into the conversation, which only makes Doug defensive. I also know Doug has a difficult time discussing his feelings. However, we still need to set time aside to have a honest discussion about us, how we are doing. I know this isn’t something men love to do, but it is important. I feel this would help me feel closer to Doug and fill my emptiness.

    • D

      Yesterday’s post is/was powerful stuff. For me, it’s about feeling safe. I don’t feel safe in my relationship. I feel she’s still hedging her bets, waiting for her feelings for him to dissipate, waiting to understand herself more before committing to us. So how do I throw myself into her, our marriage, our future. I don’t wholly believe in it because she doesn’t. So I withhold my feelings and that is not a solid relationship. Can it get better? I believe it can which is why I’m still here. But it’s an unknown and I have to swallow an awful lot of pride in the process.

      I think the passion that died is the safety we felt in knowing we were loved equally by the person we gave our love to.

    • Broken

      Linda… I wonder also if our marriage is really where we both want to be or are we just together because we think it’s the right thing to do. Are we saving this marriage because deep down we love each other and want to be together or because we have children and don’t want to shatter everything we built together. If we were truly so in love with each other then why did he need someone else? Is my emptiness coming from the realization that maybe just maybe my husband is not enough for me? That maybe I only realized that now because I had the affair as a wake up call. My God I’m so confused with all of these feelings!! I just wish that somehow I could find all of these answers. I think that time will help. Over time I will probably see if this marriage is worth it or not and if I can handle living with the affair memories. I still feel like this all happened yesterday and it is still so fresh. Maybe when it is not so fresh anymore the answers will be more clear.
      I told my H the other day that he opened up a can of worms by having an affair. Not only did he alter his life, because I don’t trust him, don’t look at him the same, our marriage may not work, etc. etc. But he opened up my eyes. He made me look at myself and my marriage and what I want. And maybe what I want is not him and not this marriage. Maybe I want out. Maybe he is not the love of my life and it took this affair for me to realize it. I don’t know if anything I am saying is coming from my heart or I am just to pissed off to feel anything good. But just knowing that I can sometimes have these thoughts is scary for me and it should be for him to. If he really loves me and wants to be here, then it should make him afraid if these feelings I have are really true and real, because he can lose me at any moment.

      • Linda

        Broken, I believe that all of us have experienced the same feelings as you. I know I went through a time when I was very angry and began to question why I was even here. I feel these feelings are normal after an affair. However they upset us because it contradicts everything we should be feeling as we try to save our marriage.

        An affair puts everything on the table. Before the affair when we were feeling discontent we would excuse it as we are too busy, or under too much stress, money is tight etc. Now every feeling and action is related to the affair. I am guilty of it as much as anyone. If Doug is having a really busy week and is preoccupied I worry he is thinking or talking to her. I compare the way he treats me to the way I “thought” he treated her. All of this is unhealthy and the only way to truly understand and interpret your feelings is to put the affair behind you. Stop comparing and wanting their relationship because you will never have it. Not because he doesn’t love you, or you are not good enough, the affair was an illusion, not even the best marriages can have all the components of an affair.

        You need to look at what both of you are bringing to their marriage. Are you trying to reach a common goal? He is open to discussion and change? All of this takes a long time, as you can see from my posts and comments it is something we are both striving for but obviously have a long way to go. Our marriage didn’t deteriorate over night and it will not be wonderful over night either. I do have confidence that if we continue on the same path that all my reservations, emptiness and insecurities will eventually go away.

    • ruth

      I think about what I really want everyday out of my marriage. We have been making great stride in recovery. As long as I never bring up the past or how I feel, then we are doing very well becasue he just refuses to talk about it. So as long as I can live with that he thinks that is fine. But I have also been taking my time in finding out exactly what I want and where I want to be in my life now. I dont want to look back and say I didnt try. I really feel good in myself that I have done everything in my power to make him happy now its my trun, call it selfish but I lived through hell and I don’t want to go thru that again. I love my h but maybe I dont love him as much as I used to befor the affair. Alot of me died then too. Now I feel I am protecting my heart from more hurt. That is not how you are supposed to feel when you are in love. You see his affair told me he is not loyal to me and givin another oppertunity he would be loyal? That is the million dollar question. So I wait and see how I will feel in one yr its only been 3 mos since d-day in an 2yr affair for him. I keep thinking 2 years omg thats a long time and he is just going to forget about her and move on???? He thought she was his soul mate and she save him but from what? Was he that unhappy and I didn’t even know it? She also told him she was going to help save our marriage LOL are your kidding me and he bought into that. Everyday it is less painful but someday are a nightmare but they are becoming less and less. I will make it through this no matter what and I will never ignore my gut feeling again or buy into his lies. I will be stronger.

      • Karen

        Ruth: my husband also gets defensive when we discuss the EA. So I now limit any mention of it to once a week, and I am finding I have less and less to ask him about it. I find more stuff on this site and in my research to focus on remaking our marriage going forward. I still have bad days and emptiness just like you, and I am so glad we’re both going to hang in there yet be cautious about going forward with our spouses.

        • HarrieB

          Karen, Ruth. Yes, my H gets defensive about the affair too and I just felt it was counter-productive to keep hammering away at him about it. Like you say Karen, my research and this site are helping me to concentrate on moving forward and not keep hanging on, like grim death, to the past (the EA). The other day I suddenly realised that it felt as though I have remarried. I am starting a new marriage. I was on one before, which was not satisfying. We wanted different things, didn’t communicate enough, I had an overly naive view of marriage, my H was in the grips of some sort of “hubris syndrome” associated with his rapid elevation at work and his career stage……there were a whole raft of reasons it didn’t work out and it ended unhappily and painfully. Now, 3 years on, I am older, wiser, and determined to be more open and face up to things. So, it feels like I have drawn a line in the sand and started again, and have embarked on a new marriage. It just happens to be with the same man I married last time around! And this time, both of us are working together to make the marriage work.

          • Jenny

            My husband and I just had this discussion last night. He says when I want to discuss his EA it feels like I’m beating him over the head with it. He becomes very defensive and gets angry. I told him that I think the discussions would be more productive and helpful to me if he would just listen, try to put himself in my shoes and comfort me rather than getting mad. Now, I’m not completely naive, I know this is easier said than done. It isn’t his nature to do this. He is a wonderful man in many ways, but taking personal criticism has never been one of his strong suits. Although I wouldn’t say we mastered this art of discussion perfectly last night, I do feel better today.

            It is strange how I can be going along really well, thinking I’m over it and then something happens and I get stuck there in my mind again. I’ve decided that when this happens there is a reason. I’m not going to supress my feelings. I’m going to tell him how I’m feeling and why. I won’t beat him over the head with it, but there is no reason it is a burden I should have to deal with on my own.

    • Karen

      So maybe this emptiness many of us betrayed spouses feel now is part of the healing process and will be temporary. If we are able to put the affair (aka their illusion) behind us and express our emotional and relationship needs to our husbands going forward, perhaps the emptiness will eventually dissipate. Only time will tell.

    • Rushan

      I am also in this after affair emotions. I am afraid to say anything and then he will get cross with me. We talk a lot but about everyday mundane things. the issue of the affair must not come up or he gets offensive. This is now like the huge elephant in the room everytime we talk about everything. I know this woman and I know he told me they do not connect in any way, but other sources tell me that she is still phoning him and he is still sending her e-mails. I can’t get proof of it because I have no way to go in his office and look at his computer. so I ko not know. We were so happy before the affair (or so I thought) now I can’t help feeling that it was a sham and everything is still not on the table. When I ask him about it he says he can’t remember. The affair happened in 2008 and 2009 till June. He can’t remember things like that but today he remembered something that happened in 2005. And tried his best to tell me tha he is right. I am also so hard trying to make him happy and love me again maybe that is my mistake and I am trying too hard and don’t try to make me happy. That is where the emptiness and loneliness come in.

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